United States of Tara (2009–2011): Season 1, Episode 6 - Transition - full transcript
Tara's parents, Frank and Beverly, come for a visit ostensibly to celebrate Charmaine's 34th birthday. What they really want is for Max and Tara to let the kids live with them so they can have a "normal" life. Max is doing his best to help Tara get through the next couple of days without one of her alters emerging. As their visit goes on, all of the issues of a dysfunctional family come through: Tara's judgmental mom; Tara's father who loves his kids but will always side with his wife; and Charamine who feels neglected by her parents. Neither Max nor Tara will even contemplate letting the kids go live with their grandparents. Tara has her own unique way of sending her parents a message. Meanwhile, Kate ducks out of the family party to spend some intimate time with Gene at his apartment.
(Female announcer)
previously on
united states of tara...
oh, it's amazing.
I love it.
Are your other personalities
also talented?
Heh!
I want to meet one.
I didn't--no, no, no--
get out!
Tiffany thinks
one of your alters
Broke into her place
in the middle of the night.
Tara made a new friend.
Tiffany was a threat
to the system.
It's just one of your alters
showing a side we've never seen.
(Max)
my money's on t.
Don't you have something
at marshall's school?
Whoo-hoo!
Hi, max.
T's back.
Listen,
your mom's fine.
She went a.w.o.l.?
She's at that arcade place
she likes.
You should go get her.
Did you find her?
Yes, I have.
And she's not even
in any trouble.
What happened
to tiffany's mural?
What?!
They're staying over.
I want to have a party.
You just want to have a party so
that that jason guy comes over.
Oh, my god.
You made it.
I'm going to kill
my niece.
Whoo!
[Laughter]
There's my house, in case
you ever want to drop by and--
And not have intercourse?
Are you my mother?
No way.
Then why are you inside
my mother?
[Contemplative music]
* *
* Open up the sky *
* This mess is getting high *
* It's windy,
and our family needs a ride *
* *
* I know we'll be just fine *
* When we learn to love
the ride *
* *
* I know we'll be fine *
* When we learn to love
the ride *
* *
* I know we'll be
just fine *
* When we learn to love *
* The ride *
Tuong duong.
That's where it all went down.
Two clicks off
the mekong river.
We were hunkered down
in the shit.
Never saw those gook fucks
comin'.
For my sins...
They left me alive.
I was the only one.
[Exhaling deeply]
They all said I was lucky.
Was I?
Hooo-oo-oo-oo-unh!
Missing something?
[Sighs]
Come on in.
Yo!
Oh...
Fuck you, asshole.
Tara?
yeah, it's me.
Oh, what happened
to my hand?
Buck went a little
colonel kurtz last night.
We were at the chiefs game,
fireworks went off.
You went to the bathroom
and never came back.
Ah, jesus!
My head is killing me.
Can I just crash,
Or do we got something
going on today?
(Max)
oh, you're never gonna
believe it.
(max)
hey, frank.
(woman)
hi, honey.
Shoulda been here
an hour ago, but...
I mean, who works
construction
On a friday afternoon?
Ooh, hi, sweetie.
You be careful with this, it's
charmaine's birthday present.
I'll try not
to break it, mom.
Don't.
Hey...
Hey, honey.
Look at you!
Big tank
you got there, frank.
What kind of gas mileage
you getting?
I'll give you a tour later.
Hi, grandpa.
How you doin'?
good.
thank you.
Hi.
Anyway, it's got swiveling
captains chairs.
It's got a master bedroom
with a king-size bed.
He's turning into
a real lady-killer.
Yeah, he's our very own
kevin spacey.
I gotta go to work.
Good for you!
Come straight home after.
Are you still alive?
She's working already?
Mm-hmm.
I didn't have a job
until I was 22.
(frank)
what are you talking about?
You never worked a day
in your life.
Who put you through school
Working the hosiery department
at dillards?
One year.
[Scoffs]
what happened to your hand?
Oh, nothing.
Just...car trunk.
Hey, so I was gonna put out
some sandwich stuff.
you guys hungry or...
Yeah, I could eat.
I'll get it.
I got it.
Well, you're doing enough
as it is,
What with us and
charmaine's birthday party.
We talked about this.
It's--
Wouldn't it just be easier
To go someplace nice?
Mom, it's fine.
This is what charmaine wants.
Hey, you wanna
give me a hand?
Right behind you.
[Choking sounds]
[Chuckles]
at least they're consistent.
Oh, god.
Roast beef's in the drawer.
Why do I let 'em do it?
The minute they walk in here,
I just get...mmm.
You know what's gonna happen?
They're gonna push
and push and push.
And bam,
alice is gonna be there
Cutting my dad's steak up
into small pieces.
[Southern accent]
well, that's how
bobby dole likes it.
I really don't want
a transition.
Okay.
What?
Nothin'.
I didn't say I could do it.
I just said I didn't want to.
I didn't say nothin'.
I'm cutting these tomatoes.
I thought you got
a new sofa.
No.
Hmm.
I'm taking some xanax.
Hey, I thought
we were through with that.
I won't make it.
You'll make it.
Look, that's what
we signed up for, all right?
If buck shows up
at charmaine's party,
Then that's what happens.
They gotta deal with it,
right?
Who knows,
could be fun.
Fuck 'em!
Let your freak flag fly.
This is supposed to be
well-done, people.
Hey...
So those stepford bitches
at table 24
Are really hoovering
up that pie, huh?
Yeah. Listen, when you're
finished slicing that egg,
The sauce guns need
new filling.
okay.
You've been kind of
zeroed out lately.
Did I fuck up
or something?
What?
No, you're aces.
Can I get a side
of refried barnabeenz
For table six, please?
yeah.
[Bev sighs]
Uhh...
Morning, honey.
[Snorts]
uhh...
What the heck?
I wet the fucking bed.
Wha--
Oh, frank.
How many parking tickets, neil?
Okay, that's it.
You're not driving
my truck anymore.
All right, I'll get there
as soon as I can.
Hey, I picked up
a nice nebbiolo.
It's a grape
from northern italy.
Light, uncomplicated.
Will it get me drunk?
Heh heh.
Paul anka drinks it.
Hey, how are things
lately?
Good. Everything's good.
[Car alarm chirps]
Come on, you know
what I'm talking about.
How are things
with you and tara?
Uh, no complaints.
Really?
Well, bev and I were talking.
You know, if you two ever want
to take a little break,
You could always send the kids
to stay with us.
Like a weekend?
Yeah, a weekend, several weeks,
a couple of months.
What are you talking
about, frank?
The kids have been
through a lot.
Come on, we both know things
have been a little crazy lately.
We just want
what's best for the kids.
Truck nuts.
What are truck nuts?
Fucking buck!
I told him ten times to
stop customizing my truck.
Uh, apparently
they're illegal.
You know, the cops didn't think
they were too funny.
Honestly, I don't get
the logic myself.
Does the--
does the truck have a dick?
Or is the truck the dick?
If the truck is the dick, then
the balls are way too small.
Okay, I gotta
get outta here.
Hey, pal,
what do I owe you?
683 Bucks,
and I gotta see the title.
I don't have a title.
Well, then,
you don't have a truck.
Son of a bitch!
Max, I'll drop by later.
I'll pick up the title, okay?
Bad day, man.
I am having
a bad fuckin' day.
Tara's parents want
to take the kids.
Does tara know
about this?
No way.
You kidding?
It'd put her over
the fuckin' edge.
I don't know, maybe
it's not a bad thing.
What's wrong with you?
I'm just saying it's been
a rough couple of months.
You know, a little break.
You know,
work some shit out.
You work this shit out.
How hard can it be to find aunt
charmaine a birthday present?
I couldn't think
of anything.
A coffee card, a book,
some bubble bath...
If it comes from you,
she's gonna love it.
No, she won't.
Okay, this is crazy.
What is the deal
with you guys?
I don't know, ask her.
She just always hates me.
Marshall,
that's not true.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's your dad?
Oh, he fell asleep on the couch
watching the game.
I was thinking about
what we talked about last night.
I don't want to tell you
what to do.
You want to take a xanax,
take a xanax.
What's the matter?
My flag too freaky
for you?
No, I just spent an hour
with your father,
And I almost became buck
just to kick his ass.
This isn't usually
my style,
But I'm headin' down
to xanax town.
You wanna come?
I'm gonna say nope
to dope.
You're right.
We made a decision.
No pills.
I mean, I don't want
anything to happen,
But if it does, it does.
I'm okay with it.
(tara)
it's not my idea.
charmaine wants to do it.
Well, I don't remember
how to play.
It's the same game
we always play.
She likes it.
She's good at it.
That's because
we let her win.
That's not true.
It is true.
You know, I once had lunch
with george brett.
[Door shuts]
* Let's get this party started *
Whoo!
Happy birthday to you,
honey.
You look beautiful!
Thanks.
You look thin.
Thank you, daddy.
Happy birthday,
aunt charmaine.
Where's, uh, kate?
(max)
good question. Kate!
You want me to open this?
We're not eating
for an hour.
(bev)
how could you do this
to you sister?
Do what?
Make her work so hard.
(tara)
mom...
We could have gone
to pierponts.
Yeah, you could have had
a steak.
Should I just leave?
Dad, just leave it alone.
I'm just worried
about her.
She looks thin.
Well, you know,
she never eats.
And when she eats,
she eats alone.
Wow. Wine?
With a straw.
hey, we're gonna
play that game
You're so good at.
[Clears throat]
Has it been like this
all day?
All day.
Oh, happy birthday,
aunt charmaine.
Sorry I can't kick it up,
but I gotta hit it.
Where are you going?
In my uniform?
I'm off to iraq.
I thought you weren't
working.
Well, I just got
called in.
This chick emily,
her dad just took off,
So her mom slit her wrists,
like a dumbass.
Left to right,
not up and down.
It was on the news.
Fine. Let her go.
Hey, what are you
yelling about?
Well, all of a sudden kate says
she has to go into work.
I--this is not my choice.
This is an emergency,
And I'm trying to be
a team player here.
Hey, your mom
worked her ass off.
Go in that room, put a smile
on your face right now.
Dad...pleeeease!
move your ass.
[Kate sighs dramatically]
(max)
no eye rolling.
Oh, fuck.
All right, so
I look like shit.
I've got no makeup on,
And I get out
of the car
to rip this guy a new one.
and guess who it is.
My ex-boyfriend,
chris hunter.
You remember him?
Oh, yeah.
(frank)
no, I don't remember him.
(bev)
yeah, I think I do.
Yeah.
So, marshall...
Mom.
What?
charmaine's telling a story.
Oh, don't worry
about it.
oh, I thought
she was done.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, go ahead.
Finish your story.
What happens?
What happens?
[Chuckles]
I said I was done.
That's all.
so, marshall...
You got a girlfriend?
(kate)
oh, yeah, she's really hot.
Moosh, tell her about
your hot girlfriend.
Kate, knock it off.
Yeah, I bet she's
a real looker, huh?
Yeah, grandpa.
She's a real looker.
You know, she's got
a great set of walking sticks.
I met her when she entered
my private eye office.
[Laughter]
grandpa, you should see her.
She's got these big
blue eyes
And nine uncut inches.
(max)
hey, time for you
to go to work.
What--I thought
this was what
You wanted me to do.
No, no, no.
You're gonna be late. Go.
(kate)
I'm just starting
to have fun.
Yeah, that's why
you're leaving.
Bye, honey.
(kate)
bye, grandma.
(bev)
so, marshall,
you'll never guess
What opened up in our house
in the mall.
This little book store
with the most adorable
coffee shop.
and when I saw it
I said to myself,
[knock on door]
marshall is just
gonna love this.
hey.
I thought I smelled a party
in here.
hey, guys.
[Sniffs]
oh, my god.
Who's huffin'
the skunk weed...bev?
Bev, are you huffing
and passing?
hey, all right.
Listen, forget I'm here.
I just dropped by
to see max.
Do you have the title?
The title. Yeah.
The title.
Yeah, yeah, gimme a sec.
All right.
Tara, when are you gonna
bring the kids
Over to our place?
(frank)
yeah, they haven't seen
the new pool.
(bev)
you should that happen.
Honey, I heard a little ding.
I think I smell smoke.
Charmaine.
Nice to see you again, neil.
yeah.
Um, max said
it was your birthday,
So, uh...
I, uh...
I brought you this.
Oh.
It looks like champagne,
but it's bubble bath.
For...whatever.
You know, just...
I, uh--
I got, um--
I'm gonna go help tara
in the kitchen.
Cool. Okay.
These are for--
for anyone, right?
Help yourself.
The nuts are nice.
Oh.
Really?
You think I'm
that lonely?
What?
Oh, neil just shows up
out of the blue?
No, char, I swear.
I would not do that to you.
Oh, come on.
[Imitating neil]
I just came by
to get the title.
Charmaine, I promise.
Why would I--
I shouldn't even
have told you.
Told me what?
About--about me and neil
a year ago.
After the todd rundgren
concert.
That was neil?
Oh...
Oh, charmaine.
Hey, hey, did max--
Neil, um, you know what?
Uh, it's nice that
you popped by,
But I don't think
it's gonna work out.
I got the title.
Thank you--beat it.
Oh, okay.
Here I go. Okay.
What?
You okay?
Yeah.
Yeah?
I'm still here.
Okay.
No, I'm good.
Okay.
Hey, frank.
Hey, max.
I was just telling
marshall here,
Since he's into
theatrics,
That he could get
a walk-on part
At the mosely street
melodrama.
You know,
they have a buffet.
The audience yells
at the actors.
Wow, that sounds great,
doesn't it?
When do I get to see
that rv?
Well, let's go.
See you later,
grandpa.
Yeah.
Come on in.
This is the command center.
The captain's chair.
And every captain needs
a captain's hat.
I don't give a fuck
about the rv, frank.
this stuff with my kids,
I want it to stop.
Come on, max, we're
just trying to help.
Yeah, last time
you tried to help,
Tara didn't speak to you
for two years.
All right,
let's just drop it,
go inside,
have a nice dinner,
eat some cake and get
a good night's sleep, okay?
Yeah, I'll sleep when I know
the kids are safe.
My kids are safe.
Maybe you should have
spent more time
Looking after yours.
You know it's against
company policy
To wear your barnabeez uniform
when you're off duty.
You shouldn't be here.
You're gonna get us both fired.
My parents are driving me
shithouse.
I didn't know
where else to go.
Well, you're here now.
You might as well come in.
This is my roommate kurt.
He runs the houlihan's
in belton.
Right now I'm just a guy
watching battlestar.
[Chuckles]
This is kate.
She works for me.
We'll be in my room.
Do you want a beer
or something?
Sure.
I don't have any.
Cool.
Cool.
[battlestar galactica droning]
That was the same summer
you let that creepy girl
(Tara and charmaine)
cut my hair!
Oh, it was stupid.
Andrea martelli.
(frank)
what is this, cod?
(bev)
it's tilapia.
Do I like tilapia?
I don't know, frank.
Didn't you guys also grow up
with that weird kid
Who was related
to h.l. Mencken?
Oh, yeah, the was me.
I went to boarding school
with toby mencken.
Well, if we knew then
what we know now,
Nobody would have gone
to boarding school.
What about their
beautiful brochure?
I mean, I know you paid a price,
but what an education.
[tara gasps]
and the scenery.
Mmm...
All right, come on.
Open your presents.
Let's go.
What is it?
It's a picture from
when she took me
To the indian casino.
I think I was about five.
It's my favorite picture of us.
I wanted you to have it.
Fantastic.
What's next?
Really, char?
That's all you're gonna say?
(charmaine)
what?
Thank you for
the magnificent gift.
I'm gonna make some coffee.
(charmaine)
oh...gift card
from barnes & noble.
okay.
oh, who's this from?
(bev)
it's from me, sweetheart.
(charmaine)
I bet I know what it is.
[Indistinct chatter]
Are you okay?
Too many dishes.
Come with me.
(Max)
come on.
[Tara chuckles]
what are we doing?
I have no idea.
(Max)
I'm gonna...
Do anything I can.
You are not gonna transition
And leave me alone
with these people!
Come on, faster!
[Laughing]
slow down.
Huh?
Do you feel better?
I'm gonna spray the yard
with tilapia,
But other than that
I'm okay.
I'm me.
Good.
(Max)
okay, good night.
Oh, fuck.
[Playing poorly and off key]
* The dream police
they live inside of my head *
* The dream police
they come to me in my bed *
* the dream police
they're coming to arrest me *
* oh, no *
[Stops playing]
What are we doing here?
What do you mean?
I mean us.
You and me.
what is this?
I don't know.
[Cheap trick's dream police]
* *
* The dream police
they live inside of my head *
* The dream police
they come to me in my bed *
* the dream police
they're coming to arrest me *
* oh, no *
Wait.
I want to show you something.
* And those rumors ain't nice *
* And when I can't tell lies *
* 'Cause they're listening
to me *
It's just one
of my inventions.
* And when I fall asleep *
[Vibrating]
* I don't think I'll survive *
Don't worry...
It's for me.
* The dream police
they live inside of my head *
* Live inside of my head *
* The dream police
they come to me in my bed *
* Come to me in my bed *
* oh, no *
It's an actor?
Uh, glenn ford.
James mason!
[Making buzzer sound]
Goose egg
for both of you.
How can you not know
gregory peck?
Oh, gregory peck!
Gregory peck.
Okay, who's next?
Uh, you and marsh.
You're going down,
marshall.
I'm going to kick
your brainy brains in.
Remember, let her win.
Okay, on your mark,
get set...
Go.
Governor of massachusetts,
ran for president in '88.
Newt gingrich.
No, no, no.
Greek guy with the big,
bushy eyebrows.
Ron gephardt.
Think tank...
Pass.
Okay.
Okay, most people know
this person as dr. Seuss.
Dr. Seuss!
(marshall)
theodore geisel.
That's it.
Marsh got it.
yeah, good one, marsh.
Okay...
[Clears throat]
Oh, pbbbt...
Partners with david brinkley.
Chet huntley.
Who the fuck is that?
(Frank)
just play.
All right.
Next clue.
Fatty...
Arbuckle.
(marshall)
roscoe arbuckle.
Fatty arbuckle.
[Tara laughs]
Tara, I'm very
disappointed in you.
I don't know why
you insist
On depriving the children.
Depriving them of what?
All right, all right.
Come on.
This is a wonderful
opportunity for them.
We know the headmaster
of the hunter school.
They could start
immediately.
What?
It's not a boarding school,
tara.
It's just a private school.
And they'd be living at home
with us.
Living with you?
What are you talking about?
[Bell dings]
Well, didn't max
tell you?
Didn't max tell me what?
(bev)
we want the children
to move in with us.
Why?
Well, I think you know why.
Tara...
You knew about this?
No, I didn't. I--
Is this why you wanted me
to take the xanax?
What the fuck?!
Sweetheart,
it'll be better
For marshall and kate.
Oh...
Just let 'em stay with us,
like when they were babies.
We lived with them?
I need you then.
I do not need you now.
why didn't you tell me
about this?
'Cause it was
a stupid idea.
didn't even consider it.
stupid?
Who's calling anybody stupid?
Yeah, I'll tell you
what's stupid.
Dressing up like a man,
Putting on
a moustache costume
and hitting some kid
in the face.
There's no moustache.
Who told you that?
Why?
Because the only reason
they call me
Is to find out
about you.
That's not true.
It's been true
My entire life.
it's always about tara.
Yeah, I know, I'm not
interesting or crazy,
And I didn't get raped
at boarding school.
but I'm sick of being
an afterthought.
I'm always the one
who ends up
With a sweater...
And a gift certificate
to barnes & noble.
And a fucking...
Polaroid picture.
I want a big house,
and I want a great
fuckin' boyfriend.
and I am never gonna
fuckin' have those things
because my idiot ex-husband
Made me get a boob job,
And now I'm stuck
with these!
Oh, char, there's nothing wrong
with your breasts.
Really, mom?
What do you think of these?
(max)
tara...
Well...
Don't just sit there.
Write her a check.
Mom!
I mean...jesus christ!
Tara?
Poor charmie.
Oh, my god!
[Laughter]
So, 34 years old.
Any regrets?
I mean, apart from
the last 20 minutes.
Shut up.
You know, if you're not
taking that picture,
I want it back.
I'm taking it.
You know,
when we took this trip,
You were so adorable.
You would just stand there
when I was getting ready,
And just stare at me...
Like I was a princess.
Mm...I hate
that you grew up.
Sorry, can't help it.
Hmm.
I don't remember living
with grandma and grandpa.
It was just six months,
When your mom was having
a hard time.
One day
we will get drunk,
And I will tell you
all about it.
(frank)
there you are, heh heh.
(bev)
where have you been?
Who wants cake?
I do.
(bev)
oh, I do.
(frank)
I could eat.
yeah, I could always
eat cake.
[Tv droning]
[Thud]
Tara?
Tara!
What the fuck?!
(bev)
oh...oh, for god's sake, frank.
you wet the bed again.
(frank)
oh...
More coffee?
Yeah.
Bye, grandpa.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
I'll see you.
I'll see you, buddy.
Hey, uh, by the way,
Don't worry about the sheets--
I'll take care of it.
What?
the bed sheets.
your secret's safe with me.
Don't worry.
It's tough getting old.
How can you take care
of somebody else
If you can't take care
of yourself?
Don't forget your captain's hat,
captain.
[Clicks tongue]
Well, I made it.
[Sighs]
* *
* Don't forget me *
* When you grow old *
* Oh, oh no *
* Remember *
* Remember *
previously on
united states of tara...
oh, it's amazing.
I love it.
Are your other personalities
also talented?
Heh!
I want to meet one.
I didn't--no, no, no--
get out!
Tiffany thinks
one of your alters
Broke into her place
in the middle of the night.
Tara made a new friend.
Tiffany was a threat
to the system.
It's just one of your alters
showing a side we've never seen.
(Max)
my money's on t.
Don't you have something
at marshall's school?
Whoo-hoo!
Hi, max.
T's back.
Listen,
your mom's fine.
She went a.w.o.l.?
She's at that arcade place
she likes.
You should go get her.
Did you find her?
Yes, I have.
And she's not even
in any trouble.
What happened
to tiffany's mural?
What?!
They're staying over.
I want to have a party.
You just want to have a party so
that that jason guy comes over.
Oh, my god.
You made it.
I'm going to kill
my niece.
Whoo!
[Laughter]
There's my house, in case
you ever want to drop by and--
And not have intercourse?
Are you my mother?
No way.
Then why are you inside
my mother?
[Contemplative music]
* *
* Open up the sky *
* This mess is getting high *
* It's windy,
and our family needs a ride *
* *
* I know we'll be just fine *
* When we learn to love
the ride *
* *
* I know we'll be fine *
* When we learn to love
the ride *
* *
* I know we'll be
just fine *
* When we learn to love *
* The ride *
Tuong duong.
That's where it all went down.
Two clicks off
the mekong river.
We were hunkered down
in the shit.
Never saw those gook fucks
comin'.
For my sins...
They left me alive.
I was the only one.
[Exhaling deeply]
They all said I was lucky.
Was I?
Hooo-oo-oo-oo-unh!
Missing something?
[Sighs]
Come on in.
Yo!
Oh...
Fuck you, asshole.
Tara?
yeah, it's me.
Oh, what happened
to my hand?
Buck went a little
colonel kurtz last night.
We were at the chiefs game,
fireworks went off.
You went to the bathroom
and never came back.
Ah, jesus!
My head is killing me.
Can I just crash,
Or do we got something
going on today?
(Max)
oh, you're never gonna
believe it.
(max)
hey, frank.
(woman)
hi, honey.
Shoulda been here
an hour ago, but...
I mean, who works
construction
On a friday afternoon?
Ooh, hi, sweetie.
You be careful with this, it's
charmaine's birthday present.
I'll try not
to break it, mom.
Don't.
Hey...
Hey, honey.
Look at you!
Big tank
you got there, frank.
What kind of gas mileage
you getting?
I'll give you a tour later.
Hi, grandpa.
How you doin'?
good.
thank you.
Hi.
Anyway, it's got swiveling
captains chairs.
It's got a master bedroom
with a king-size bed.
He's turning into
a real lady-killer.
Yeah, he's our very own
kevin spacey.
I gotta go to work.
Good for you!
Come straight home after.
Are you still alive?
She's working already?
Mm-hmm.
I didn't have a job
until I was 22.
(frank)
what are you talking about?
You never worked a day
in your life.
Who put you through school
Working the hosiery department
at dillards?
One year.
[Scoffs]
what happened to your hand?
Oh, nothing.
Just...car trunk.
Hey, so I was gonna put out
some sandwich stuff.
you guys hungry or...
Yeah, I could eat.
I'll get it.
I got it.
Well, you're doing enough
as it is,
What with us and
charmaine's birthday party.
We talked about this.
It's--
Wouldn't it just be easier
To go someplace nice?
Mom, it's fine.
This is what charmaine wants.
Hey, you wanna
give me a hand?
Right behind you.
[Choking sounds]
[Chuckles]
at least they're consistent.
Oh, god.
Roast beef's in the drawer.
Why do I let 'em do it?
The minute they walk in here,
I just get...mmm.
You know what's gonna happen?
They're gonna push
and push and push.
And bam,
alice is gonna be there
Cutting my dad's steak up
into small pieces.
[Southern accent]
well, that's how
bobby dole likes it.
I really don't want
a transition.
Okay.
What?
Nothin'.
I didn't say I could do it.
I just said I didn't want to.
I didn't say nothin'.
I'm cutting these tomatoes.
I thought you got
a new sofa.
No.
Hmm.
I'm taking some xanax.
Hey, I thought
we were through with that.
I won't make it.
You'll make it.
Look, that's what
we signed up for, all right?
If buck shows up
at charmaine's party,
Then that's what happens.
They gotta deal with it,
right?
Who knows,
could be fun.
Fuck 'em!
Let your freak flag fly.
This is supposed to be
well-done, people.
Hey...
So those stepford bitches
at table 24
Are really hoovering
up that pie, huh?
Yeah. Listen, when you're
finished slicing that egg,
The sauce guns need
new filling.
okay.
You've been kind of
zeroed out lately.
Did I fuck up
or something?
What?
No, you're aces.
Can I get a side
of refried barnabeenz
For table six, please?
yeah.
[Bev sighs]
Uhh...
Morning, honey.
[Snorts]
uhh...
What the heck?
I wet the fucking bed.
Wha--
Oh, frank.
How many parking tickets, neil?
Okay, that's it.
You're not driving
my truck anymore.
All right, I'll get there
as soon as I can.
Hey, I picked up
a nice nebbiolo.
It's a grape
from northern italy.
Light, uncomplicated.
Will it get me drunk?
Heh heh.
Paul anka drinks it.
Hey, how are things
lately?
Good. Everything's good.
[Car alarm chirps]
Come on, you know
what I'm talking about.
How are things
with you and tara?
Uh, no complaints.
Really?
Well, bev and I were talking.
You know, if you two ever want
to take a little break,
You could always send the kids
to stay with us.
Like a weekend?
Yeah, a weekend, several weeks,
a couple of months.
What are you talking
about, frank?
The kids have been
through a lot.
Come on, we both know things
have been a little crazy lately.
We just want
what's best for the kids.
Truck nuts.
What are truck nuts?
Fucking buck!
I told him ten times to
stop customizing my truck.
Uh, apparently
they're illegal.
You know, the cops didn't think
they were too funny.
Honestly, I don't get
the logic myself.
Does the--
does the truck have a dick?
Or is the truck the dick?
If the truck is the dick, then
the balls are way too small.
Okay, I gotta
get outta here.
Hey, pal,
what do I owe you?
683 Bucks,
and I gotta see the title.
I don't have a title.
Well, then,
you don't have a truck.
Son of a bitch!
Max, I'll drop by later.
I'll pick up the title, okay?
Bad day, man.
I am having
a bad fuckin' day.
Tara's parents want
to take the kids.
Does tara know
about this?
No way.
You kidding?
It'd put her over
the fuckin' edge.
I don't know, maybe
it's not a bad thing.
What's wrong with you?
I'm just saying it's been
a rough couple of months.
You know, a little break.
You know,
work some shit out.
You work this shit out.
How hard can it be to find aunt
charmaine a birthday present?
I couldn't think
of anything.
A coffee card, a book,
some bubble bath...
If it comes from you,
she's gonna love it.
No, she won't.
Okay, this is crazy.
What is the deal
with you guys?
I don't know, ask her.
She just always hates me.
Marshall,
that's not true.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's your dad?
Oh, he fell asleep on the couch
watching the game.
I was thinking about
what we talked about last night.
I don't want to tell you
what to do.
You want to take a xanax,
take a xanax.
What's the matter?
My flag too freaky
for you?
No, I just spent an hour
with your father,
And I almost became buck
just to kick his ass.
This isn't usually
my style,
But I'm headin' down
to xanax town.
You wanna come?
I'm gonna say nope
to dope.
You're right.
We made a decision.
No pills.
I mean, I don't want
anything to happen,
But if it does, it does.
I'm okay with it.
(tara)
it's not my idea.
charmaine wants to do it.
Well, I don't remember
how to play.
It's the same game
we always play.
She likes it.
She's good at it.
That's because
we let her win.
That's not true.
It is true.
You know, I once had lunch
with george brett.
[Door shuts]
* Let's get this party started *
Whoo!
Happy birthday to you,
honey.
You look beautiful!
Thanks.
You look thin.
Thank you, daddy.
Happy birthday,
aunt charmaine.
Where's, uh, kate?
(max)
good question. Kate!
You want me to open this?
We're not eating
for an hour.
(bev)
how could you do this
to you sister?
Do what?
Make her work so hard.
(tara)
mom...
We could have gone
to pierponts.
Yeah, you could have had
a steak.
Should I just leave?
Dad, just leave it alone.
I'm just worried
about her.
She looks thin.
Well, you know,
she never eats.
And when she eats,
she eats alone.
Wow. Wine?
With a straw.
hey, we're gonna
play that game
You're so good at.
[Clears throat]
Has it been like this
all day?
All day.
Oh, happy birthday,
aunt charmaine.
Sorry I can't kick it up,
but I gotta hit it.
Where are you going?
In my uniform?
I'm off to iraq.
I thought you weren't
working.
Well, I just got
called in.
This chick emily,
her dad just took off,
So her mom slit her wrists,
like a dumbass.
Left to right,
not up and down.
It was on the news.
Fine. Let her go.
Hey, what are you
yelling about?
Well, all of a sudden kate says
she has to go into work.
I--this is not my choice.
This is an emergency,
And I'm trying to be
a team player here.
Hey, your mom
worked her ass off.
Go in that room, put a smile
on your face right now.
Dad...pleeeease!
move your ass.
[Kate sighs dramatically]
(max)
no eye rolling.
Oh, fuck.
All right, so
I look like shit.
I've got no makeup on,
And I get out
of the car
to rip this guy a new one.
and guess who it is.
My ex-boyfriend,
chris hunter.
You remember him?
Oh, yeah.
(frank)
no, I don't remember him.
(bev)
yeah, I think I do.
Yeah.
So, marshall...
Mom.
What?
charmaine's telling a story.
Oh, don't worry
about it.
oh, I thought
she was done.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, go ahead.
Finish your story.
What happens?
What happens?
[Chuckles]
I said I was done.
That's all.
so, marshall...
You got a girlfriend?
(kate)
oh, yeah, she's really hot.
Moosh, tell her about
your hot girlfriend.
Kate, knock it off.
Yeah, I bet she's
a real looker, huh?
Yeah, grandpa.
She's a real looker.
You know, she's got
a great set of walking sticks.
I met her when she entered
my private eye office.
[Laughter]
grandpa, you should see her.
She's got these big
blue eyes
And nine uncut inches.
(max)
hey, time for you
to go to work.
What--I thought
this was what
You wanted me to do.
No, no, no.
You're gonna be late. Go.
(kate)
I'm just starting
to have fun.
Yeah, that's why
you're leaving.
Bye, honey.
(kate)
bye, grandma.
(bev)
so, marshall,
you'll never guess
What opened up in our house
in the mall.
This little book store
with the most adorable
coffee shop.
and when I saw it
I said to myself,
[knock on door]
marshall is just
gonna love this.
hey.
I thought I smelled a party
in here.
hey, guys.
[Sniffs]
oh, my god.
Who's huffin'
the skunk weed...bev?
Bev, are you huffing
and passing?
hey, all right.
Listen, forget I'm here.
I just dropped by
to see max.
Do you have the title?
The title. Yeah.
The title.
Yeah, yeah, gimme a sec.
All right.
Tara, when are you gonna
bring the kids
Over to our place?
(frank)
yeah, they haven't seen
the new pool.
(bev)
you should that happen.
Honey, I heard a little ding.
I think I smell smoke.
Charmaine.
Nice to see you again, neil.
yeah.
Um, max said
it was your birthday,
So, uh...
I, uh...
I brought you this.
Oh.
It looks like champagne,
but it's bubble bath.
For...whatever.
You know, just...
I, uh--
I got, um--
I'm gonna go help tara
in the kitchen.
Cool. Okay.
These are for--
for anyone, right?
Help yourself.
The nuts are nice.
Oh.
Really?
You think I'm
that lonely?
What?
Oh, neil just shows up
out of the blue?
No, char, I swear.
I would not do that to you.
Oh, come on.
[Imitating neil]
I just came by
to get the title.
Charmaine, I promise.
Why would I--
I shouldn't even
have told you.
Told me what?
About--about me and neil
a year ago.
After the todd rundgren
concert.
That was neil?
Oh...
Oh, charmaine.
Hey, hey, did max--
Neil, um, you know what?
Uh, it's nice that
you popped by,
But I don't think
it's gonna work out.
I got the title.
Thank you--beat it.
Oh, okay.
Here I go. Okay.
What?
You okay?
Yeah.
Yeah?
I'm still here.
Okay.
No, I'm good.
Okay.
Hey, frank.
Hey, max.
I was just telling
marshall here,
Since he's into
theatrics,
That he could get
a walk-on part
At the mosely street
melodrama.
You know,
they have a buffet.
The audience yells
at the actors.
Wow, that sounds great,
doesn't it?
When do I get to see
that rv?
Well, let's go.
See you later,
grandpa.
Yeah.
Come on in.
This is the command center.
The captain's chair.
And every captain needs
a captain's hat.
I don't give a fuck
about the rv, frank.
this stuff with my kids,
I want it to stop.
Come on, max, we're
just trying to help.
Yeah, last time
you tried to help,
Tara didn't speak to you
for two years.
All right,
let's just drop it,
go inside,
have a nice dinner,
eat some cake and get
a good night's sleep, okay?
Yeah, I'll sleep when I know
the kids are safe.
My kids are safe.
Maybe you should have
spent more time
Looking after yours.
You know it's against
company policy
To wear your barnabeez uniform
when you're off duty.
You shouldn't be here.
You're gonna get us both fired.
My parents are driving me
shithouse.
I didn't know
where else to go.
Well, you're here now.
You might as well come in.
This is my roommate kurt.
He runs the houlihan's
in belton.
Right now I'm just a guy
watching battlestar.
[Chuckles]
This is kate.
She works for me.
We'll be in my room.
Do you want a beer
or something?
Sure.
I don't have any.
Cool.
Cool.
[battlestar galactica droning]
That was the same summer
you let that creepy girl
(Tara and charmaine)
cut my hair!
Oh, it was stupid.
Andrea martelli.
(frank)
what is this, cod?
(bev)
it's tilapia.
Do I like tilapia?
I don't know, frank.
Didn't you guys also grow up
with that weird kid
Who was related
to h.l. Mencken?
Oh, yeah, the was me.
I went to boarding school
with toby mencken.
Well, if we knew then
what we know now,
Nobody would have gone
to boarding school.
What about their
beautiful brochure?
I mean, I know you paid a price,
but what an education.
[tara gasps]
and the scenery.
Mmm...
All right, come on.
Open your presents.
Let's go.
What is it?
It's a picture from
when she took me
To the indian casino.
I think I was about five.
It's my favorite picture of us.
I wanted you to have it.
Fantastic.
What's next?
Really, char?
That's all you're gonna say?
(charmaine)
what?
Thank you for
the magnificent gift.
I'm gonna make some coffee.
(charmaine)
oh...gift card
from barnes & noble.
okay.
oh, who's this from?
(bev)
it's from me, sweetheart.
(charmaine)
I bet I know what it is.
[Indistinct chatter]
Are you okay?
Too many dishes.
Come with me.
(Max)
come on.
[Tara chuckles]
what are we doing?
I have no idea.
(Max)
I'm gonna...
Do anything I can.
You are not gonna transition
And leave me alone
with these people!
Come on, faster!
[Laughing]
slow down.
Huh?
Do you feel better?
I'm gonna spray the yard
with tilapia,
But other than that
I'm okay.
I'm me.
Good.
(Max)
okay, good night.
Oh, fuck.
[Playing poorly and off key]
* The dream police
they live inside of my head *
* The dream police
they come to me in my bed *
* the dream police
they're coming to arrest me *
* oh, no *
[Stops playing]
What are we doing here?
What do you mean?
I mean us.
You and me.
what is this?
I don't know.
[Cheap trick's dream police]
* *
* The dream police
they live inside of my head *
* The dream police
they come to me in my bed *
* the dream police
they're coming to arrest me *
* oh, no *
Wait.
I want to show you something.
* And those rumors ain't nice *
* And when I can't tell lies *
* 'Cause they're listening
to me *
It's just one
of my inventions.
* And when I fall asleep *
[Vibrating]
* I don't think I'll survive *
Don't worry...
It's for me.
* The dream police
they live inside of my head *
* Live inside of my head *
* The dream police
they come to me in my bed *
* Come to me in my bed *
* oh, no *
It's an actor?
Uh, glenn ford.
James mason!
[Making buzzer sound]
Goose egg
for both of you.
How can you not know
gregory peck?
Oh, gregory peck!
Gregory peck.
Okay, who's next?
Uh, you and marsh.
You're going down,
marshall.
I'm going to kick
your brainy brains in.
Remember, let her win.
Okay, on your mark,
get set...
Go.
Governor of massachusetts,
ran for president in '88.
Newt gingrich.
No, no, no.
Greek guy with the big,
bushy eyebrows.
Ron gephardt.
Think tank...
Pass.
Okay.
Okay, most people know
this person as dr. Seuss.
Dr. Seuss!
(marshall)
theodore geisel.
That's it.
Marsh got it.
yeah, good one, marsh.
Okay...
[Clears throat]
Oh, pbbbt...
Partners with david brinkley.
Chet huntley.
Who the fuck is that?
(Frank)
just play.
All right.
Next clue.
Fatty...
Arbuckle.
(marshall)
roscoe arbuckle.
Fatty arbuckle.
[Tara laughs]
Tara, I'm very
disappointed in you.
I don't know why
you insist
On depriving the children.
Depriving them of what?
All right, all right.
Come on.
This is a wonderful
opportunity for them.
We know the headmaster
of the hunter school.
They could start
immediately.
What?
It's not a boarding school,
tara.
It's just a private school.
And they'd be living at home
with us.
Living with you?
What are you talking about?
[Bell dings]
Well, didn't max
tell you?
Didn't max tell me what?
(bev)
we want the children
to move in with us.
Why?
Well, I think you know why.
Tara...
You knew about this?
No, I didn't. I--
Is this why you wanted me
to take the xanax?
What the fuck?!
Sweetheart,
it'll be better
For marshall and kate.
Oh...
Just let 'em stay with us,
like when they were babies.
We lived with them?
I need you then.
I do not need you now.
why didn't you tell me
about this?
'Cause it was
a stupid idea.
didn't even consider it.
stupid?
Who's calling anybody stupid?
Yeah, I'll tell you
what's stupid.
Dressing up like a man,
Putting on
a moustache costume
and hitting some kid
in the face.
There's no moustache.
Who told you that?
Why?
Because the only reason
they call me
Is to find out
about you.
That's not true.
It's been true
My entire life.
it's always about tara.
Yeah, I know, I'm not
interesting or crazy,
And I didn't get raped
at boarding school.
but I'm sick of being
an afterthought.
I'm always the one
who ends up
With a sweater...
And a gift certificate
to barnes & noble.
And a fucking...
Polaroid picture.
I want a big house,
and I want a great
fuckin' boyfriend.
and I am never gonna
fuckin' have those things
because my idiot ex-husband
Made me get a boob job,
And now I'm stuck
with these!
Oh, char, there's nothing wrong
with your breasts.
Really, mom?
What do you think of these?
(max)
tara...
Well...
Don't just sit there.
Write her a check.
Mom!
I mean...jesus christ!
Tara?
Poor charmie.
Oh, my god!
[Laughter]
So, 34 years old.
Any regrets?
I mean, apart from
the last 20 minutes.
Shut up.
You know, if you're not
taking that picture,
I want it back.
I'm taking it.
You know,
when we took this trip,
You were so adorable.
You would just stand there
when I was getting ready,
And just stare at me...
Like I was a princess.
Mm...I hate
that you grew up.
Sorry, can't help it.
Hmm.
I don't remember living
with grandma and grandpa.
It was just six months,
When your mom was having
a hard time.
One day
we will get drunk,
And I will tell you
all about it.
(frank)
there you are, heh heh.
(bev)
where have you been?
Who wants cake?
I do.
(bev)
oh, I do.
(frank)
I could eat.
yeah, I could always
eat cake.
[Tv droning]
[Thud]
Tara?
Tara!
What the fuck?!
(bev)
oh...oh, for god's sake, frank.
you wet the bed again.
(frank)
oh...
More coffee?
Yeah.
Bye, grandpa.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
I'll see you.
I'll see you, buddy.
Hey, uh, by the way,
Don't worry about the sheets--
I'll take care of it.
What?
the bed sheets.
your secret's safe with me.
Don't worry.
It's tough getting old.
How can you take care
of somebody else
If you can't take care
of yourself?
Don't forget your captain's hat,
captain.
[Clicks tongue]
Well, I made it.
[Sighs]
* *
* Don't forget me *
* When you grow old *
* Oh, oh no *
* Remember *
* Remember *