Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 9 - A Box of Puppies Walks Into a Bar - full transcript

Oh, there's the happy new couple.

How are things in paradise?

Question. Have you ever noticed how
Danny is a little bitch?

This morning we were in a coffee shop.

The guy spilled coffee all over me.

He did not apologize.
Yeah, I might have said

"only guys with small penises
drink peppermint lattes"

But still... what do you think
Tommy Tugnutts over here did?

He did nothing except watch the
recent Conan appearance on his phone.

It was hilarious, go check it out yourself.

Oh, what's this? You
dropped something here.



Oh! It was a tiny detail you left out.

Oh, yeah, it's says the guy that

you insulted was a giant
that came down on a bean stalk

because he wanted a
miniature cup of human coffee.

Danny, you've got to protect your lady.

That's the first thing they teach
you freshman year at man college.

Man college. You know what?
I was actually a professor there.

I don't remember seeing you.

You might have missed my class...
"Why chins are important"

So this man college...

What do the dorm rooms look like?

Ha ha, Jokey-pants.

But at least I know...

Shut up and look at me.



At least I know how to step up for my
Candy Cane when someone pushes her.

Tell them about yesterday.

I was standing in line for ice cream,
somebody cut in front of me..

- And next thing you know...
- And I was like "Hey! Hey!"

You get your ugly ass
to the back of the line.

Except the kid wasn't cutting,
he was just joining his mom in line..

Babe, I'm sorry, is this my story or yours?

I'm sorry, babe. Go ahead and tell
them what the mom did to you.

Well, she stuffed me in a
trash can, but I made my point.

See, this is what I need.

- This is what... I need
- What?

I need a guy who is going
to stand up for me.

I mean, obviously not some idiot who gets

jammed in a trash can by a
soccer mom and says stupid

things like jokey pants, but
I need someone who's going to

Stand up for me because
I like to mouth off.

Yeah, that's not news, Anderson Cooper.

Ho, ho, ho.

Shelley, great sweater.
Is that Black Santa?

I believe you mean Real Santa.

Anyway, I got you guys some presents.

- Oh, sweet. You got us Christmas sweaters?
- Mmm-hmm

Oh, mine's Jewish. Dope.

This will go nice with
my circumcised penis.

Hey, look mine has a picture of me on it.

Danny, that's Jesus Christ the son of God.

You're a 34-year-old man with a roommate.

That's an honest mistake. Everyone
always says that we look alike

whenever I get frisked at the airport.

I thought these would help us
get into the holiday spirit.

I mean this bar isn't even decorated.

Well I'm closing the bar for a few days
because we're all going out of town

Yeah, I thought you were going with
your mom's church group to Disney-world.

Oh he was going to go to
Disney-world but he changed his

mind because he discovered
they charge $12 for churros.

If I get stoned I'm going
to lose all my money.

Anyway, I thought before you
left on Christmas Eve, maybe we

could have a party upstairs in my room.

You know, it could be fun. It would be
nice to spend it all together

- because you guys are kind of my family.
- Oh, Shelley, of course, we'll be there.

I will definitely be there.

I have a long history of doing anything
handsome black men ask me to.

This is exciting!

- We could go caroling.
- Oh yes!

We could do that song we were
working on. Remember that sweet jam?

- One, two, three...
- ♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪

♪ my true love gave to me ♪

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I hate being white now.

You know what? Besides, if anyone is going
to be doing the singing, it's me.

Remember this gospel choir that you had
here a week ago that sang Hallelujah?

They said and look, this
is their words not mine...

They said God said I was
more talented than you.

God also made John Travolta's hairpiece
so sometimes he gets things wrong.

But besides it will be a
cold day in hell when

someone thinks you're a
better singer than me.

Well, then it's a good that
we all have cool, nifty new

sweaters because it's about
to get chilly in here.

Choir!

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah Hallelujah ♪♪

_

So did you two actually make out last week?

Oh! Whatever, it wasn't a big deal.
You know how emotional I am.

I even get choked up when you say when
you say the name of that Adele song

Hello.

Please don't...

Tell him Bursk, it wasn't a big deal.

Look, it was just one of those
moments between good friends.

It's not going to go anywhere and
it didn't mean anything.

And this definitely wasn't a prepared
statement that I was asked to memorize.

Danny, I'm so pissed at you.

Anyone want to guess why I'm
carrying a box full of puppies?

The reason is unimportant.

But I'm going to lie down and you're going
to pour those puppies on top of me.

Apparently those are Mo's children.

Huh, which, you know, I think
would be impossible,

because I always keep him on the
leash unless I'm in the dog park.

Take it from a girl
with a 4-year-old,

you can get pregnant
at the dog park.

That's really gross, the whole thing.

Anyway, I think back, nine weeks ago,
what was happening?

Oh, yeah, that's right, Justin
was watching Mo for the weekend.

And now I have grand-puppies.

Hey, what's brown and sticky? This!

I thought you were going to
say the dog's poopy.

Yeah.

Mo is my family.
How would you like it if I

took your mom out and I got her pregnant?

You know, I would really love that
actually because I'm really very

lonely and I would love
to have a sibling, okay?

Still, I remember watching Mo.
I didn't leave him out of my sight.

Except for that one hour
I let Danny watch him.

What? No, no, no. All I did
was exactly what you told me.

I fed him, let him out to do his

business and now I realize do his business
doesn't mean have sex. I'm sorry.

Well, Vince, the baby mama of Mo, his
owner said I'm financially responsible.

You don't have to give Vince anything, all
right? Who's even saying that they know

for sure that Mo is the real father.

That would be me.

Yeah man, I agree with Vince.

On to the next investigation.

Is the next investigation the "Curious
Case of Danny's Missing Balls"?

Whatever. You got pregnant at a dog park.

Guys, I cannot believe it's Christmas Eve.

It still feels to me like it's
exactly December 11th.

Vince said I need to pay
$1,200 in puppy support.

How am I supposed to afford that?

Oh, I have an idea. How does
Justin feel about sharing you?

You're the scariest woman I've ever met.

Look, we have plans to help Candace.

Does it include terrifying
children at the mall?

Why are you wearing the costumes?

Oh no, okay, the three of us are in
costume, but Justin isn't.

This is the time of year that he
returns to his natural form and

flies north to make toys for kids.

No, I am not an elf!
Elves aren't even real.

That's exactly what a real elf
would tell us to throw us off.

Now you go make me an X-Box.

Now listen guys, this is what's
going to happen okay?

We're going to go to Vince's
house as carolers.

We're going to start caroling alright?
And we're going to sing...

Especially Justin and I are going
to be the main singers. Okay?

Just admit you can't sing.

Oh really? Okay, fine then, but Brett can,

and I'm amazing at lip
syncing to watch this.

♪ Fall on your knees and ♪
♪ hear the angels voices ♪

♪ oh night divine ♪
♪ oh night ♪

♪ When Christ was born ♪

So that's obviously going to work okay?

When we're busy distracting
Vince, Burski is

going to sneak in okay? He's going to
sneak in crafty.

He's going to grab one
of the dogs and then

he's going to test the
dog's DNA and then

what's going to happen is that we're

going to find out if
Mo's the real father.

It's the perfect plan, dude. Yes!

I think maybe I could
have a good luck kiss.

I mean, you might as well. Everyone
kind of wants us to be a couple.

Everyone is even calling us "Lursky".

- What people?
- My parents.

And I have no one. Yay!

Well, I'm going to go and get
ready for my Christmas party.

Are you going to bring your son?

Oh no, he spends Christmas
Eve with his dad.

So, I spend Christmas Eve
drinking and crying.

No way, me too!

You know, guys, I feel
like this silly plan could

actually work if Vince and
his gang like caroling.

- Like, like Vince's gang of friends?
- Haha, no his prison gang.

He runs a halfway house for
guys who just got out of jail.

Hahahahaha!

What, I think it could work.

- [Screaming]
- Justin: How do you wear these elf shoes?

- Go, go!
- No, Danny! What are you doing?

Hey, you know what... save yourselves.
Tell Charlotte I was brave!

Hey, guys. You want to see how we
do things in the North Pole? Ha!

Ha! Oh no! They're using
my head as a battering ram!

So yeah. doesn't he look
like an elf, though?

- Justin, hey, do your elf voice.
- I'm not doing an elf voice.

- Do it!
- Gosh, golly.

In the North Pole we're
going to have cake later.

Turns out Vince and his
gang are pretty cool.

Hahahahah!

- Hey.
- Hahaha! Oh, my goodness.

I am so glad that you are
defending your friends.

It kind of makes me want to start a
street fight so you'll protect me.

I'm getting turned on just
thinking about it.

She's so scary.

I know. I love it.

Vince, did you bring the mama dog?

Oh, my god. She must have
had a nice personality, eh mate?

Turns out Mo likes Dem ugly bitches.

Okay, everybody stop goofing around.

Now, here in my hands, I've got
a do it yourself dog paternity test.

This is something you
should be proud of.

I think you should announce
it like Maury Povitch.

Okay, what we have here is a

classic tale of doggy trouble.

Now, Vince says that this
beautiful dog here was knocked

up by Mo and that these
six puppies are Mo's.

But Candace believes that Mo would never,
ever, ever be around a tramp like this.

- [Biker yells indistinctly]
- I said it, I said it! I raised him right!

That's enough. That's enough.

Now, here are the results in the case of
Mo and the bastard puppies.

Mo, Mo.

Mo. You are not the father!

You know what? Okay.
Guys, guys, guys... Come on.

It's Christmas. Vince, we
will help you find a home

We'll go to the local shelter and
give these puppies a home.

That'd be really nice.
Thanks.

Hey, ride or die.

- Ride or die, brother.
- Aztecs forever, dude.

See you Rooster. Big Tiny, Raw Dog,
Benji, Cop-Killer,

Mom Dropper, Dad Lever, Glenn.

All right, so we wrapped that up just
in time to get the hell out of here.

I'm on the way to the
airport, who wants a ride?

Happy holidays, everyone.

You know, I love how things work
out perfectly on Christmas.

Well, it looks like it's just you and me.

Hey, man. So I just realized we all
just forgot your Christmas party.

Oh, it's okay. It's not like I'm spending
Christmas Eve alone in a storage

room above a dark bar.

Yeah, that's fair. Look, everyone's
already taken off but I've

got a couple of hours to kill so
can I at least buy you a beer?

Yeah.

- Merry Christmas!
- You all came!

I don't have to damn
you all to hell anymore.

We all changed our plans.

My Christmas wish came true.

I just want everyone to be happy.

That reminds me though, I want
to hear everyone's Christmas wish.

My wish is that someone would
stop pretending like that kiss

didn't mean something when it
so clearly did mean something.

Okay, so I wish that you would
understand sometimes a

woman needs time to process something.
Especially around the holiday

where she's overwhelmed about her job,
her mom, her dad, her rent,

her workout schedule, Adele.
Brett, refill!

So yeah, you know, maybe that

something did mean something
to somebody but that somebody

doesn't know what that is yet.

All right.

Well, after that debacle, I
definitely don't want to hear

any more Christmas wishes.
And that's my Christmas wish,

Huh? Ow, ow, all right.

Look, I know I always joke around, but if
I'm going to be honest with you guys.

This has been the time of my life
hanging out with you and, I love you.

Yep, I'm with Danny.

Sometimes it's really hard being
so far away from home, but I

never thought I would have a job where I
get to hang out with my friends every day.

I hear you brother. I mean summer,
fall, winter, spring,

I just hope we get to do
this for a few more seasons.

But I will have to say 20 years from
now when I'm fat, bald and divorced,

I'm going to look back and
realize it was the time of my life.

What about you, Shel?

I'm glad you asked.
You know, it just seems

like the world is in a dark
place lately, you know?

Everywhere you look,
people are kind of scared.

So I think I have three Christmas wishes.

The first is just to hold
on to hope, no matter what.

The second will be just
more love in this world.

And the third would be for that
Star Wars movie not to suck.

You guys are the best,
I love you guys. Come here.

Oh, my god, you guys are such bitches.