Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 8 - A Bachelorette Party Walks Into a Bar - full transcript

Guys, honestly, I thought
bachelor parties were supposed

to be raunchy and all they're
doing is talking...

But they did give me these
really cute and delicious candies.

What do you think they are?
Do you think they're little hot dogs?

Sweetie, hot dogs don't have testicles.

No way, candy penis's. It's my
second favorite kind of penis!

Well, I'm just proud of you guys for not
being over there and hitting on the

vulnerable girls sad that they're
not the ones getting married.

- Guys like that are so lame.
- Oh really? Is it so lame, is it so lame?

Or am I trying to make some friends?

Yeah, I did say I'd sub in if the
stripper didn't show up but



that's obviously the friendly thing to do
when your body moves like this.

Danny, I'm going to tell you the
same thing I told my mom at the

Pistons game after she finished her
second beer...

I love you but nobody wants to
see you take your pants off.

Look, forget about the bachelorettes,
Candace and I decided something.

- Tell him Boo.
- Danny, we're so tired of getting to know

whatever dumb ass you're dating.

Hey! They are not all dumb.

The girl you brought to Thanksgiving
thought Syria was a cool way to say serious

Can you remember? Oh, I love gravy.

Oh, my God I'm being totally "Syria!"

Look, my point is one of my
closest friends just moved back into

town and I think the two of you would
really hit it off. I think you'd click.

Oh, you think I need to be set up?



Okay. That's hilarious. I'm going to

laugh in each one of your faces.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

A British one for you: Ho!

"That was really funny, mate."

Cheerio. You know.

Anyway, dude, I already met
and am vibing with this really

cool chick at the bachelor party.

She's smart, funny and really cool, okay?
Her name's Charlotte. Understand?

You guys kind of sound
like the perfect match.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh Danny, we knew you wouldn't go for

any girl we set you up with but you just
lucked out because you just met her.

No. No! Hold on, Charlotte?

Yes?

Tell me that you aren't
already friends with Justin?

You mean this nerdy guy who used to
do my homework for me when we

were 10 because I
let him see me naked?

Jokes on her, I love doing homework.

Wait, Did Justin tell you that I look
like a young Keanu Reeves?

Uh no, you don't look like a young
anyone because of how time works.

Oh, she's a keeper!

It might actually work out,
you know, this time.

_

Hey, you guys see "The Wiz" last night?

It was awesome. It was
so great seeing that many

black people on TV outside
of the NBA finals.

Brett, you should get in the game, that
bachelorette party

brought one of their gay best friends

Oh yeah, you're right. Let me
just get a quick pump on.

- How's that?
- Totally fixed it.

Can I get a black eye. It's a shot
of whiskey with a black and tan.

How about a shot of whiskey
with a white and chunky?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm Brett and I hate myself.

I thought it was cute. You want
to sneak out of here?

- So, uh, who's getting married?
- Oh, my new boss, Suzy over there.

- You go, girl!
- No, you go, girl.

Straight to hell. I hate her.

She has perfect skin, a great ass and
her father gave her a fashion line.

Wait, don't be that mad you
have some of those things.

So, what are you into girl-wise?

I feel like your sex life is a

lot like Nick Cage's movie career.
You'll do anything.

Yeah, in all fairness, I am
trying to get past that.

I bet when Nick Cage has sex and

he finishes he says his own name.
Ha, ha, ha! Nick Cage.

Ha-ha. I have a kid.

Sorry, that comes out at random
times and I know what you're going

to say: "you're too young to have a kid!"

That was actually a really
good impression of me but...

- Hold on, I've forgot this part.
- Oh whoa!

Don't want to show your man parts. Anyway.

Listen...

You're showing your personality
so I feel like I can show my balls.

Don't get us canceled twice.

Anyway...

Anyway. Boy, you have a kid,
that's great. Very cool

You just like made that
with your body or...

Yeah. That's kind of how it works.

His name is Will but he's four,
so my body has had plenty of

time to bounce back down there,
you know tighten up and...

Am I ruining this or
are you asking me out?

Well, I was going to ask you out for
the past hour but you've been talking

about you vagina bounced back.
So, do you want to go out tomorrow?

Sure! If...

You know what, don't act like you two
knew this was going to happen.

You're right, if I knew that my

best friend and oldest gal pal
were going to get together,

I would have brought the
gospel choir you and I sing

with every weekend.
One, two, three, four...

♪ hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪
♪ And they shall date forever and ever ♪

♪ hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪
♪ hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪

♪ hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪

You know, I haven't seen Brett in a while.

What happened with him
and that guy last night?

He actually just texted me.

What do you think an emoji of
a beer keg and a donkey means?

It means he tapped that ass.

Wow, you look so cute all dressed up.

You know I promised I
wouldn't get too excited

but seeing you excited
is getting me excited.

Look, could you two stop acting like
I'm a kid getting ready to go to prom?

- Sorry.
- I'm going to take some pictures.

I know you won't stop me because you
don't mind new photos out there,

- so, you will always pose
- Come on dude, put the phone...

Come on, man, I hate that, dude.

Stop taking pictures, dude.

Very cool, very cool, very cool.

I mean, this is a grown
up move for you, Danny.

Has anybody else here ever
dated a woman with a kid?

I once dated a guy
with a 14-year-old son.

Such a sweet boy. He was mostly into
baseball and stealing my underwear.

I want you to get that underwear back.

Question: Do you have any photos of
you in it so I know what I'm looking for?

Listen, I really don't think Charlotte
having a kid is that big of a deal.

What, are you kidding me? It's a huge
deal. My mother was a single parent

I latched on to every
guy she dated.

Jose, Hector, Carlos, Esteban.

Justin's mom was serving
in a Mexican restaurant

The point is, when you date somebody with
a kid, it's immediately more serious.

It's real, it's more "importante".

- Do you guys all feel this way?
- [All agree] Yeah

Si.

You look like a sexy vampire.
I'm gonna call you Count Rackula.

Thanks Shel. I'm wearing
three pairs of Spanx.

They're so tight I had to
ride in my uber like this.

You ready to go?

Uh, listen, I'm sorry Charlotte but
I don't think I can be your son's Esteban.

You idiot! Did you scare him away with
the story of your mom and Escobar,

and Jose and all the bus boys she banged?

First off, it was Esteban not
Escobar you racist, alright?

Sorry, I'm just watching Netflix.

Does anyone want to
make this day worse?

Yep, I'll give it a shot.

So, you know the gay guy at your
boss's bachelorette party?

There was no gay guy, just the
groom who stopped by for a minute

Exactly.

So, I slept with the groom.

So, you think Charlotte's still mad?

Yeah. I do.

Of course I am mad, you set me
up with a guy who immediately

bailed and Mary Poppins over here
decided to open up his umbrella

inside my boss's fiance.

Don't be pissed at me, as soon as I
realized it was the groom,

I had a shower and got out of there.

Be real with her Brett.
Were you in that shower alone?

Was I in the shower alone?
Nope, there were two penis's, so no.

Sounds like some of my showers recently.

... marrying a gay guy.

Just casually bring it up at
work in the break room.

You get a yogurt, you walk up and say you
know what I like about this yogurt?

The fruit at the bottom.

And you know who else loves the bottom?

You know what, it's really too bad, you
guys would have been such a good couple.

You're both loud and
edgy and really pale.

You're like a female Danny.

I wish I could find a female Shelly.

Look.

- You want to smoke weed?
- You want to smoke weed?

I can't believe you ran out on Charlotte
just because she has a kid.

Listen, I'm mad at myself too. Okay?

You know the scene in "Footloose"
where Kevin Bacon is

so pissed at the world because he just
wants to dance but it's against the law?

I've been doing that angry dance.

Hey, taking off was super weak.

Dude, why did you bring Burski?

I didn't even know he was in
the car until I pulled into the driveway.

I have was hiding in the backseat.

Why don't you go out with
Charlotte and see what happens?

Because I really like her! I had a whole
conversation with her for like an hour and

you know what? I would probably do it
again and it's like, who feels that way?

Look, I know it's scary when

a relationship already feels real and
it's not even the beginning.

Yeah, it's terrifying except
now there's a kid

involved so obviously he's going
to think I'm awesome so it's like...

What do I do? I mean
what happens with the

kid if I screw things
up like I normally do?

Okay, What is wrong with you? Okay?

The one thing about my brother
that I've always been

jealous of is your completely
unearned confidence.

That is true. You know how everybody has a
voice inside them that tells

them how they are, mine goes like this:
"Hey Danny, you're awesome no matter what

anybody says, you're so beautiful
and bold and strong...

and no matter what you can do anything."

The voice inside my head just says
"wine and cheeses are not a meal".

That's so sad. Anyway,
look, the problem is...

The problem is that like Charlotte's
so cool that she's like

twisting me up and
that voice I have is gone.

You're the best, Danny.
You're so beautiful and bold and strong.

Man, what are you doing?

I'm saying I'll be the voice
in your head if you need it, man.

Because you have a chance
at something real here.

Every day I go into that bar and
hangout with a girl I'm crazy about

in hopes that someday if I wait long
enough something real could happen.

You're so lucky you don't have to wait.
Don't, don't miss your chance man.

Never speak of this moment.

I kissed your sister.

Thank you again for hosting
my party at this bar.

You're welcome.

Doug, will you go settle
up with the bartender?

- And make sure you give him a big tip.
- Oh, he already did.

Hahahaha, oh, good one, Shelly.
Ha-ha.

Suzy, Justin here has something
he'd like to say to you. You're up.

- Um, hello.
- Hi.

Suzy, when you and Doug go

out for ice cream, you split a
hot fudge sundae, do you get it

with all the works, the whipped
cream, the sprinkles? The nuts?

No, Doug hates nuts.

See, that's where you're wrong.

Okay! I'm going to borrow
him for one second

You know that old saying if
you can't say anything nice,

let your boss marry a gay guy.

Oh, hey Charlotte great, you're
still here, can we talk?

Sure, let me just say goodbye to my
friends here. Good to see you again.

Oh! Hey Suzy. Good to see you again.

So, cool move bringing the hot guy
to the party for my friend, Brett.

You guys old friends or what?

- Excuse me?
- Well, I'm just wondering how

you know Brett 's boyfriend.

- What?
- No. No, Danny, no boyfriend.

Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Message received.

How long have you known the guy
who Brett is having sex with?

- What are you talking about?
- I feel like I'm being very clear.

He had sexual intercourse with him.

And I'm wondering how you know him.

You're gay? Are you kidding me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. It is 2015.

Okay. Give me one good reason why he

can't have hot sex with
that man over there.

Because he's my fiance.

That's actually a really good reason.

Bye, Suze, love you, mean it. Good job.

Wow, guys, you know what, I'm
glad that this happened because

people should know what they're getting
into before they start a relationship.

So, yeah, for Suzy maybe that

means she needs to decide if she
wants to marry a guy who is fine

with kissing other guys.

Yes, and for you, Danny, it
means deciding whether or not

you're grown up enough to date
my awesome friend who just so

happens to have a child.

You know, if it was up to me, I'd ask her

out again but, you're too chicken.

You're the best, Danny.

Thanks, voice inside Danny's head.

Look, I'm sorry I chickened out

the first time and I'd love another
chance if you're up for it.

I'd love to take you out
for some pizza later.

Sorry, you blew it.

Just kidding, I was pretending
I had some self esteem. Let's go!

Mama Boogie!

Yep. I knew this would all work out.

Hey, no you didn't, all right.

Choir!