Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 7 - An Origin Story Walks Into a Bar - full transcript

Everyone gets to see a new side of Danny when an older woman from his past returns and throws him into a tailspin.

Hey, Shel, haven't seen you for
few days. Where you been?

Oh! This week has been
all about giving hugs.

See, I hugged all my French friends
because they needed it.

I hugged my Muslim friends
because they needed it, too.

So much has been going on.
I wish you could just travel around

- the world giving hugs.
- I will!

You think I'm afraid of ISIS?
Bitch, I'm from Detroit.

Guys, I've got a lady stopping by,
so I want to make sure I look hot.

Ah, what do you think
of this super casual pose?

When would anybody ever stand like that?

Uh, I don't know, maybe when
he's doing a super sexy

photo shoot but he still
needs to fence off enemies?

"Get away, enemies, get your
own photo shoot!" Ah, yah-yah!

Look, Danny, if you want to turn
a woman on with a pose,

you should pose like this.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm listening to her
tell me about her day.

Oh my god, I want to cuddle you so hard!

Look, uh, I know lately I've
been acting a little bit,

what's the word we always used
to describe Justin?

Uh, puffy.

Ah. No, no, no, not puffy.

Uh, not quite good looking enough for TV?

Uh, well, he is... I mean he's good
enough, good-looking enough...

He's good-looking enough
to be the second lead.

But that's not what I'm
talking about. Neurotic.

- That's the word.
- I'm not neurotic!

Do you guys think I'm neurotic?
Is that something you guys talk about?

Now, be honest with me. The way you're
looking at me, I feel you talk about this.

You know what? I don't care.
I don't care. I'm me.

Who am I kidding. I care.
Does everybody hate me?

This is you right then

Yeah, everybody hates you, but uh,

the reason I'm acting
neurotic because the

lady that's coming to
visit, is the one that

I lost my virginity to.
All right?

When I was a 17-year-old kid, I
used to wait tables at a really

fine dining place and this
really hot 31-year-old

executive named Jackie came in,
and when she asked for dinner

I offered her dessert, she
said she's like some hot coitus.

After a really embarrassing
and uncomfortable

conversation with the head chef...

I became a man.

That actually reminds me of my first time.

That night was scary as hell.

Aww, because you were nervous?

Oh no, because we did
it at a haunted house.

Guys, can we not talk about this
in front of Mo, he's still a virgin.

Well, my leg begs to differ.

Mo also went to town on my
Pottery Barn throw pillows,

ones I purchased. Boy, if
those pillows could talk.

They'd say "a man should not own us."

Jackie's the worst.

She played games with Danny's heart
for years and smashed his self-esteem.

Yeah, but I got it back!

I just don't want you to end
up under her spell again.

Are you crazy?

Uh, when I met her, I was
a 17-year-old kid. Okay?

Now she's probably, like, 50.
I'm going destroy her.

All right? When she hobbles in here
with her washed up wrinkly old body,

like a troglodyte that goes ahhhh!

I'm going to look her in her one good
eye and I'm going to tell her...

Uh... Hey, Jackie. You look really pretty.

I know, right?

- Go get me a glass of wine.
- Okay.

- Yeah. What are you laughing at?
- Oh, it's just kind of funny

watching you boss around a
grown man like that. Hahaha...

I'm also going to need a pastry
from the shop down the street.

Yes, ma'am.


So I want to do that kiss where I bite
your lip and then pull it out a little bit.


Hey, you know, my friends are watching

I can't believe two weeks have passed
since those two started dating.

I know. It feels like only a minute ago,

we were all meeting her for the first time
and wearing completely different clothes.

Can you do me a favor and get my car
washed today before you pick me up at work?

Oh, and don't forget to wear those jeans
that make your ass look like a little girl.

So tiny!

Hey... hey... hey.

Hey! What are you guys laughing at?

What are "we" laughing at? Hahaha!

Ohhhh you know what? I don't know!
Let me think about it.

Two weeks ago you said you were
going to destroy her, and now...

How do I want to say this? Guys, can
you give me a jazz hands tunnel?

♪ You're a bitch ♪

That is 100% false.

I don't know, Danny.
My mother bred poodles so,

I know a blue ribbon bitch when I see one.

Yeah, and we ain't talking like a fun,
playful bitch like, "Yo, what's up, bitch?"

Hey guys, leave Danny alone.

- Yeah okay, thanks, Bursk.
- He thanked me! What a bitch!

You see what you did here? Huh?

You're the last person who
should be commenting on this.

Candace fights all your battles for you.

- Hold on, just hold on.
- Hey! Shhhh!

Are you talking about my man?
Cause if you step

to him, you'd best be
ready to step to me!

You wanna dance, ese?!

Easy, babe, easy. Breathe, breathe...

Look, alright? Do I do things for Jackie?
Of course I do.

Look at it from my perspective.
Look at all the things I get.

She's amazing at sex. When my penis gets

inducted into the penis hall of fame, it's
going to give an amazing acceptance speech.

And you guys are all
going to miss it.

Today, today, today, is the
luckiest, day, day, day,

in my entire penis, penis,
penis, life, life, life.

I am having the best
penis life, life, life,

in the whole penis world,
world, world, world.

I'm a big fan. I'm going to...

First off, that was a terrible speech.
Second, you're ridiculous.

Oh yeah? Guess what? I think
you're more ridiculous.

That's it! I've had enough! I'm going to
cut you up and sell your pieces!

I'm gonna serve you for dinner at this bar

Look, I know you guys
think it's funny to see

Danny wrapped around
Jackie's little finger,

but when he was a kid, Jackie didn't
just hurt his feelings, she damaged him.

He changed as a person.

Les, we're talking about
"grown-up Danny" here,

nobody can change him.


In the words of Janice, my favorite
secondary character from the

hit TV show "Friends":
"Oh... My... God!"

Jackie made you do this, didn't she?

No way. I did it on my own volition. I
mean, I think it looks...


You look like someone who
rides hot air balloons for fun.

Don't you understand?
She's trying to change

you back into the
kid she controlled.

This is exactly what he
looked like back then.

Look at this picture of him in high school.

The khakis, neatly tucked in shirt,

Bad haircut... We could have
been best friends!

Has Jackie at least changed? Does she
still make you feel like crap all the time?

No. Like never makes me feel like crap.

I mean sometimes she says how I never
finished college and I'm not going to make

anything of myself, but she says that
stuff like, playfully, like in jest.

Plus, even if I wanted to break up with
Jackie, I couldn't do it,

she's like a sexual wizard. Seriously,
she's like Dumbledore except,

instead of being old and a dude, she's a
50 year old female that's really hot,

and has a rock hard body,
does Pilates and shaves all over.

I don't think I read that
Harry Potter book.

Danny, it's simple. Just stop
having sex with her.

Okay, Wait a second. Did you just
turn yourself into Sofia Vergara

because, [mimicking Sofia Vergara]
"whatever is coming out of your mouth,

right now I cannot understand,

it's a, it's a, literally no naked
and it sounds to me."

Not have sex with a girl. I'm sorry,
I don't know how to do that. Okay?

Bursk, how do you do it?

Generally I just speak to them
and it kind of happens on its own.

To be fair, it's easier to make
an excuse not to have sex with a girl.

Yeah, "I'm so tired!" and "Oh! I'm hungry",
"I got in a fight with my mom", a sad one,

- Oh! "Dateline's on!".
- Uh, "I had a bad day at work".

"Why does it always have to be about sex?"
"You never ask me about my day."

My personal favorite: "Uh, tonight's not
going to happen, don't make it about you"

Hey, dummy.

Hey uh, guys, don't
worry about it. I got this

Hey uh, let's get outta here because
I want to take a bubble bath and

see how long you can hold your
breath under water.

No, Jackie.

Also, "Dateline" is on.

- Go get in the car.
- Okay.

Guys sorry, it's really hard. I'll try
when the opportunity presents itself.

Hey Jackie, I know this
isn't my place to say

but I don't think
you're right for Danny.

What did you just say to me?

Uh-oh. I think he made it mad.

- Look...
- What?

- What

- What I'm...
- I can't understand you.

What I'm saying, I don't
want to get involved.

- Yes, right, when it comes to my boy...
- Oh...!

He's not your boy anymore. He's my boy now.

So you, and both your chins...

Better back off.

- Hey, nobody talks about my...
- Hey-aaahhh...!

Not now, powder puff.
We're not on a Disney show.

Um... Brett, could you please
take this to table 3?

Are we good?

Does anyone else need their face squished?


Then this little scene is over.

I'm normally the person that gets
the last word around here.


Your hand smells pretty nice.

I don't think I really want to
cut my hair, to be honest.

Too bad. You look too
much like me from behind.

I am going to go Google how to cut hair.

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait.
What are you guys doing here?

We're here to rescue you!
Yeah, Jackie's so mean!

She squished our faces while
you were waiting in the car!

You don't think I know that? What do you
think she bragged about all the way home?

Did you tell her not to squish
any faces anymore?!

Hey man! Of course not. I don't
want to get my face squished! Okay?

- You know what? Just shut up!
- You're the only one talking right now!

- Yeah, you telling us to shut up is rude!

- Shut up!
- You shut up!


Never mind. Never mind.


Forget Jackie! You shouldn't be
with somebody who might hurt you.

Hurt me, hurt me? Apparently you
don't know who you're talking to, okay?

Nobody hurts me. I'm unhurtable.
Ask around.

Seriously you know the song
by R.E.M.? "Everybody Hurts."

Well, guess what? I went to
the concert once and

they invited me back stage
and after that they

literally apologized to me about
naming the song "Everybody Hurts"

Yeah, they were like "Hey man, we
actually thought when we wrote the

song that literally everyone
hurting. But now..."

We saw you and we changed our minds.

That obviously that never happened.

Just come with us.

No. I'm not doing that. I'm putting my butt
right on this couch,

and it's not going anywhere

Guys, you know what to do. Let's go.

Danny... Danny...

Oh, forget it.

Who's going to get the door? Ummm.

I'm impressed. I really, really honestly
did not think you'd be able to do that

- That is hard.
- Would you just listen?!

Look, you're never going to be free of
Jackie unless you admit that she hurt you.

You gotta tell her.

Yeah, I just don't think I'm strong
enough to do that by myself.

Guys? Couch moment.


- You don't have to do it by yourself.
- Yeah, you have us.

Yeah man, I know you're
scared of Jackie but,

you remember when we all went
and saw "Guardians of the Galaxy"?

Is that the movie with the little tiny
raccoon that looks exactly like Justin?

Yeah dude!

Guys! That's it! I'm done!
I get that she ***

Listen, that's not the point. The point
that Shelley's trying to make is

the Guardians by themselves
were weak but when

they were together, they
could beat any evil

But you don't get it man.
She's vicious.

She goes right for your
biggest insecurities

Wow. From behind, like, three
of you have bald spots

- Come on, dummy. Let's get outta here.
- Okay...

No, no. Hold on, Missy.
He's not going anywhere.

Pipe down, guy who's worried that his

girlfriend will realize that
she can do much better.


Okay, look, you leathery lizard...

If you're going to
mess with my brother

you're going to have to
go through me first.

Oh, please. With that haircut, you're like,

one Adidas tracksuit away
from being Jane Lynch.

I could do this all night.

Leslie's never gonna love you.

Um, ba, ba, ba...

You got laid more when you were straight.

And you? The dog on "Frasier" was better.

- Anyone else?
- I believe I'll pass.

You know what, Jackie,
you don't get to talk to

my friends and my friend's
dog that way. Okay?

I get it. When I met you,
I was a 17 year old kid,

and you turned me into an egotistical,
superficial maniac alright?

But you probably did some bad things too.

I mean, you hurt me. Because of
you, I don't trust women anymore

And you know what?
Everyone that matters in

my life, I never think
I'm good enough for.

You really did a number on me.

But, thanks to all these friends,
especially this tiny little raccoon friend.

They're all helping me through it.

So good-bye, Jackie, get out of
here. Don't come back.

Oh no, what ever will I do?

You're my everything.
See you around, sucker.

Oh... well, you defeated your archenemy.

You want to do the bit of "Guardians of
the Galaxy" when they meet the bad guy?

Slow motion hero walk.