Undateable (2014–2016): Season 3, Episode 10 - A New Year's Resolution Walks Into a Bar - full transcript

After a shocking revelation from Charlotte, Danny is determined to prove he is a great lover. Meanwhile, Candace makes an attempt to spice up her relationship with Justin after taking some ...

[Cheers and applause]


did I tell you guys about
my new year's resolution yet?

Is it to keep dressing like a
junior high school orchestra teacher?


No, Danny.

It's to not let other
people's words hurt me.

And that's not going great.

Whoa! Easy booze face.

I thought your new year's resolution
was to stop drinking so much wine.

This road you're heading down,

does it feel safe?

Ha-ha-ha ha.

Um, last year, Shelly's
resolution was to get healthier

and I think he crushed it.

Yes you guys, and to celebrate

he wanted to burst through a poster

of his former self like they
do on The Biggest Loser so...


let's give a nice warm welcome for

- 100 pounds thinner Shelly!
- [Cheers and applause]

I hope you guys got more posters,

because I want to do that all day.

A hundred pounds, you
lost an entire Candace.

I helped him exercise.

I put a picture of Nicki Minaj's
butt in front of his treadmill

and made him chase it it all year.

Turns out I'm really fortunate
I don't need to exercise at all,

no matter what I do, I
look like one of those

Greek sculptures, that those guys made.

You know, one of those...

one of those little statues
that always looks like

they're feeding someone
you can't see, you know.


Leather pants coming in hot!

C'mon, I told you not to
borrow my leather pants.

Now the hips are going to be too big.

So is the crotch.

Wow, girl, those pants are so cool,

you're like some kind
of sexy warrior princess,

the pants so tight I can...

oh my... I can see your
piercing, in a terrifying place.

That's actually a locket
with a picture of my grandma.

So sweet!

Honey, it's not.


would you like it if I
got some pants like that?

Are you kidding me, if you looked that hot,

it would make my day.

You didn't let me finish. It
would make my day terrible,

because I like you exactly the way you are.

Oh, my God,

Justin wishes I were sexier.

That's my new year's resolution.

That's it, we're taking
charge, so next thing you know

I'm gonna be like bam! Crazy sexy!

You go ahead and start
whenever you're ready.

Candace, being easy is sexy, I mean,

have you got a sexy walk or something?

I don't know, you tell me.

No, no you don't.

Well, lucky for you, Danny is here!

Da-da da da.

And turns out, I could do

any boring move or anything mundane and

turn that into the utmost
sexier thing ever, OK?

Take this for instance,
making a text message

or maybe even eating a pretzel.

Sorry madam,

oopsy Daisy.

And you know what?

Don't get me started when
it comes to the bedroom.

I pulled a bunch of
hanky-panky on everybody, OK?

I do seriously.

Now, Charlotte,

if I asked you to rate me in the bedroom,

what would you say? Go ahead, come on.

Danny I really don't
want to do this, really.

Come on, look, if I asked you to rate

me on a scale from
Justin to Danny all right,

Danny obviously being the
best and Justin being too ugly

that he can't even make the scale,

what would you do?

One out of 10. Come on.


Somebody call Anthony Bourdain
because this is delicious!

This is the happiest day of my life!

So I'm a six?

Look on the bright side, Danny,
together we're a combined seven.

Look I mean, our sex life is good,

I'm sure every girl loves the
danger of doing it on the floor of

your roommate's bedroom
while he sleeps inches way.


I thought that was a dream!

Danny, you're a great at like wild,

crazy sex, you are just not good at like

making love, but that's
OK. We'll work on it.

Ok, that's cool, it's not
a big deal or anything.

You know what I mean, I know what's up.

Anyway, I' gonna go to my
special place right now.

Where he is going?

When Danny is really upset,

he likes to go to the movies
and make other people feel

as miserable as he does.

So, you guys ready to see
the new "Star Wars" movie?


Han Solo dies!

♪ [Cheers and applause]

I can't believe she called me a six!

Seriously, these hips,
they never slow down.

Honestly sometimes in the morning,

my hips wake up before I do.

Hey, come on, hips!
Chill out, it's too early.

Go Watch cartoons or something.

Ok, all right, I'm up, whatever.

It's the worst day of my life.


Quit feeling sorry for yourself!

How many times are you going do that?

Until I run out of posters.

Look, Danny,

- What?
- ... Charlotte didn't say you weren't good at sex,

she said you didn't know how to make love.

What's the difference?

Danny, making love is beautiful,

it's poetry, is Shakespeare.

No! No!

- Don't do Shakespeare.
- "Love is a smoke...

Love is a smoke raised
with the fume of sighs;

Being purged,

a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;

What is it else?

A madness most discreet,

A choking gall,

and a preserving sweet.

I mean, *** for sex, as well.

I mean, that's like,

"Yo, what's up, let's get nude!

Wham-bam, later dude!"

What my true British Thespian
is trying to say is that

there' more to making love
than just smashing genitals.

Making love it's about smashing hearts.

Charlotte just wants some intimacy.

What's int-mats-y?

Danny, no, don't do that
thing you do where you act

like you never heard of a word
because you're uncomfortable.

Oh, is int-mats-y when you

share your wi-fi password with someone?

Is int-mats-y when you

when you go to the bank
and it's not open on Sunday?

- No. Intimacy, not int-mats-y.
- Int-mats-y.

Everybody knows that you have
it going on in the boudoir.

- Boudoir?
- Yes.

But, Charlotte, you need to
connect with her on a deeper level.

Sometimes when I make love to Candace,

I make love before we
even take our clothes off.

Let me show you, get up.

- You be Candace.
- No, no! I don't want to be Candace.


All right.

There's my wild child.

- Oh, man!
- Now, look into my eyes.

You see how much I

care about you?

How much I need you. [Breathy heavy]

What the hell was that, man?

I think that was an emotional orgasm.

All right, I'm going to
go light myself on fire.

Look, Danny, I've never
made love either, but I

would kill for that kind of connection
and you have that chance with Charlotte,

so don't mess it up, man.

Dude, even if I was gonna
try and be inti-mats...

Even if I was going try to do that,

- I wouldn't know where to start.
- Look, listen,

just start slow, Ok?

Maybe you're watching some
TV. Try to do some cuddling.

If you have trouble with that,
because of your int-mats-y,

then just pretend you're
a koala hugging a tree.

Gotcha, OK. So pretend I...

next time I see her I'll hug
her like a koala bear. OK.

- Oh, man. I hate cuddling.
- What? Are you kidding me.

I live for cuddling.

Cuddling is the best part.


No, I'm just trying to make a point.

Best part is making that ass clap!

I guess I just have to accept

that I'm never going to be sexy.

Really I wish I could get a hug

from Shelly right now.

Oh you never know, he could be back there.

Hey, Shel, we got professional wrestlers

smoking hella weed out here.

Nope, he's not here.

Candace, come over here.
We can help you be sexy, Ok.

So when I want to be sexy for Danny,

I wear like a cute top

or laugh at one of his terrible jokes

or show him a close-up photo of my junk.


Do you take that in the office?

Take it at home for crying out loud!


I'm not gonna do that kind of thing!

You maybe have any like special skills?

I'm really good at acronyms.
Taking the first letter

of every word in a sentence.
I can do that very fast.

I mean, girls definitely into that. So...

What the hell are you talking about?



I'm sorry, nobody on earth finds that sexy.

I S N B O E F T S.

I say we accentuate your curves get up.

Arch your back,

squeeze your boobs together with your arms,

and then stand like you're
sitting on a barstool

that's just a little too high,

and then pout like a sexy duck.

[Cheers and applause]

Do you...

do you have any other suggestions?

You know what should make you feel sexy?

That a great guy is crazy about you.

I mean, that always
makes me feel that way...

And no! I don't want to
talk about it right now.

A N I D W T T about it right now.

All right, so, just be confident
and do something unexpected. Ok?

Say "surprise" grab his
ass and kiss him hard.

I don't know if I can
do that kind of thing.

Yes you totally can, here,
demonstrate it on me, love.

Oh, my God, is this really gonna happen?

Ratings are gonna go through the roof!


Yeah, I'm going to need a little more wine

before that happens.

I believe that's my cue, ladies.

♪ [Cheers and applause]

Do you... do you like this so much?

Yes, it's not my favourite.

Come on, I'm being int-mats-y.

I'm holding you like a koala bear.

Oh my god, if you want intimacy,
I'm totally in. Hold me.

I'm sorry, this isn't
really my thing, all right?

It turns out being int-mats-y
is not my thing, all right?

I am telling you, people can't change.

People change for each
other all the time. Like...

Candace is out with Justin right now

being more sexy and I'm
sure that's going great.

Here is your coffee.

- Why are you looking at me like that?
- Surprise!

Are you OK?

You knocked out my tooth!

I was sexy.

[Cheers and applause]

I'm so angry that I'm out of movies

- to spoil for everyone.
- Thank god.

At the end of "Making a Murderer"

Steve Avery gets guilty.

What? Are you telling me they put a
white guy in jail? That is a twist.

Oh my god.

I can't believe I just
knocked your tooth out.

Don't worry about it Candace.

It's just a cap, it doesn't hurt.

- Don't be Candace!
- Don't say my name just...

just call me something else.

- Sweetie!
- No!

Are you winded?

Why are you laughing?

Don't laugh at my boyfriend? You old ***.

I will eat your ass for breakfast.

That came out wrong.

You know what? I'm so mad at you, man,

I can't believe you tricked me
into doing this int-mats-y stuff

and now I more nervous
and insecure about it.

That's fantastic, that's
how I feel all the time.

That's intimacy!

Ok you know what.

You say one more word, this
is going all over your face.

You know what?

This is passion.

You know what, if you and I were
to have sex for the first time,

you'd be making love.

This is for calling me old!

This is for showing me
picture of your woo woo!

And this is for ruining
"Making a Murderer!"

[Cheers and applause]

- [Cheers and applause]
- We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

He's right.

No you know what guys, this
is my fault. I was upset.

I freaked out. Charlotte, I'm
very sorry that I was mean to you.

I think your woo woo is beautiful.

I just wanted to be sexy for you.

Are you kidding me?

You are the sexiest girl in the world.

Danny, you need to be more like Candace.

Yes, you should start
calling vaginas woo woos.

No, she never gives up.

That's the difference between good
relationships and bad relationships.

Good couples keep trying.

That's right, that's right!
'Cause I'm gonna keep trying,

actually the next thing I
was thinking I was gonna do

is this sexy lip bite, like...

Charlotte, come here. I know your favourite

romantic scene in any movie is in
"The Notebook" when Ryan Gosling

kisses that big fore-headed
girl in the rain.

Hey Brad, will you hook
up us with some rain?

I can hook you up with some Sprite.


Come here!

Look, I know I can be really annoying, but

I really do enjoy dating you.

And that is how I make love!