Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 9 - Low Hanging Fruit - full transcript

Hey, Justin.

Hey, Sabrina.

Oh, you are not wearing pants. Hello.

You have got to help me.

Danny has gone crazy.

Wow! There you are, woman.

Get away from that sheriff.

Hey, boy, she don't concern you.

You hear me? [Imitates gunshot]

Shoot him, sheriff!

Okay.



Are you guys using me

as part of a weird cowboy
sexual role play right now?

In fact, yes, we are,
man, and you know what?

You can either get on board
with being the sheriff,

or after you leave,

Sabrina and I can go into your bedroom

and do sexual acts

that your bobbleheads cannot unsee, so...

You on board with being the sheriff or not?

We don't want no trouble from you, partner.

Yow!

Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

You walk like someone who's never had sex.



There's no walk like that.

Yes, there is. And it's your walk.

Well, I got to get to class, so...

Hey, babe, come on, put that away.

Uh, I don't ever have to pay
for drinks at Justin's bar.

It's kind of a rule.

It's not a rule.

I didn't say it was one you knew about.

Thank you, Justin.

God, grad-school tuition
is just killing me.

Remember in college how
we used to stay up late

dreaming about you being
broke and me being divorced?

We did it, Sabrina.

Dreams do come true. [Chuckles]

Hey, if she needs cash, why
doesn't she just work here

till Nicki's back in town?

No! No! No! No! No! No! No, no, no!

All right, look, I'm trying
to keep it casual with Sabrina.

All right, I can't do that

if she's gonna be hanging
around here all the time.

Danny, Sabrina's one of my oldest friends.

Yeah, I know, and I actually kind of wish

that she was one of your youngest friends.

I like her a lot.

I'm just worried about me
getting too close too fast.

That's all.

[Singsong voice] Uh-oh.

Did somebody just say "too close too fast"?

'Cause with the ladies,
that's kind of my jam.

With Nicki, I can't get
close enough fast enough.

Danny, I already got her
a Christmas present...

For next year.

I gave my grandma a coupon book
for 10 hugs when I was little.

I still owe that bitch nine hugs.

Look, you guys don't understand, all right?

If I'm with a girl

and I'm even slightly
in the relationship zone,

then I just... I'll self sabotage, man.

I'll ignore texts, I start dropping hints

that I'm sleeping with other women,

and then I'll actually
sleep with those women.

He's been this way his whole life.

Girl gets too close and he
tosses her out like bad milk.

I like my babes like I
like my expired milk...

spoiled and chunky.

Look, I want some sort
of peaceful solution.

I've actually never been
with a girl this long before.

How long has it been? One month today.

Wow, in Danny time, that's like 10 years.

Uh-oh.

Do I see a little Justin
rubbing off on your face?

Hey, man.

If you touch my face, I touch your face.

- I touch your face.
- No, I touch your face, then.

- Touch your face.
- I got to do it even.

It's got to be even if I do it.

Enough!

Enough. Enough. Enough. Enough.

Look, Sabrina's great.

I'm really proud of you, little bro.

Oh, grandma, I'm gonna
give away one of your hugs.

If you're looking down, yes,
it's going to a white boy.

Have any of you ever
named another man's penis

without asking first?

I feel like this is a trap.

No, look, I went to the
farmers market yesterday,

and I met a guy, and we've been texting,

and it's got a little bit saucy.

And he named it...
sight unseen, mind you...

and it's not great.

How bad could it be?

Oh, that's not what you want.

I'm sure I'm overreacting.

It's not a big deal.

I mean, it's a big deal.

You know what I mean.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, you know what?
Don't you dare say that.

I had a friend whose
fianc? named it Waldo. Eh?

You know, it's like every
time they were hooking up,

she was all like,
"where's Waldo? Oh, my God.

"Oh, there he is. Hey, look.

Cute hat," or whatever.

Look, you got to get
your name out there first

before this one sticks.

Hey, what about you, man?
What's Nicki call yours?

I feel like that's private, so...

Come on, baby bird. Oh, is it baby bird?

Oh, it is now.

Baby bird. Baby bird.

Oh, babe.

Mm!

I can't believe you sent me flowers

just because we've been
together for a month.

Oh.

I am gonna go put these in your room.

Oh, you rock.

You rock. You rock.

You're like a rockette
with your high kicks!

What the hell?!

Dude, what did you do?

I just sent her flowers.

I'm helping you.

You said you didn't want to ruin things.

You've been dating her a month,

and as a guy who knows
how to treat a woman,

[singsong voice] this is how we do it.

Dude, I should kick you so hard

where your testicles should be.

Hey.

Hey.

I didn't want to be the
first one to say something,

but since you seem really ready

to take things to the next level,

I just wanted to let you know

that I am so in.

You're in. [Chuckles]

I'm in.

You are. You're in.

- We're in.
- We're both in.

We're both in! [Chuckles]

Ow!

So, I will see you tonight.

We'll go out we and celebrate, okay?

- So okay. So okay.
- Okay.

[Chuckles] Hey, man.

Um, so, I don't want to overstate this

because I know that,
like, you really mean well,

but you're everything
that's wrong with everything.

Listen, I know you
think relationships suck,

but let me ask you something,
those girls before Sabrina,

you know, the ones you
kept at arm's length,

what happened to them?

Um, they all got tired of waiting around

for me to be serious and they left me.

Or they moved to Spain
and got gored by bulls.

I don't really care.

But you do care about Sabrina.

Yeah.

Louder, please.

- Yeah!
- Thank you.

And you want to know why?
It's 'cause you like her.

You actually like this girl.

You even told me yourself
you've never met a girl

that can understand how
truly handsome you are.

I don't know. She just...
she just gets it, you know?

[Chuckles]

Yeah, see, you're getting it, dude.

Relationships are amazing.

It's like dating but better
emotionally and physically.

In fact, there's a sexual position

you can only do when
you're in a relationship.

Danny...

Have you ever put your
heart inside a woman?

What?

I mean, I don't know. Oh, gosh.

I mean, even if I wanted
to try and make this work,

which I guess I kind of do,

it's just like I'm not sure I know how.

It's simple. Sit down.

Look, you just have to remember one thing.

Listening.

Now, I know listening isn't
really your strong suit.

I don't know, man, listening
really isn't my strong suit.

If you ever get lost and
you're not sure what to say,

you can just say the following phrase.

"It sounds like you got
a lot on your plate."

That applies to literally
every conversation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Listen, Danny, you can do this.

You got to go for it.

Doing nothing is just
another form of self sabotage.

Wait a minute, are you telling me

that my relationship needs
to either get busy living

or get busy dying, because that line

is directly from "The
Shawshank Redemption,"

and that is the best
non-computer-animated movie

of all time.

Yes!

I want you to go full
Shawshank on this relationship.

I want you to tunnel out
of that emotional prison

one spoonful at a time.
- Yeah.

I can imagine, like, Morgan
Freeman's voice, like,

[imitating Morgan freeman]
"That... that... that's when

"Danny Burton opened up his heart,

and you know what?"

"He opened up his eyes, too."

[Normal voice] Look, I get it.

I like Sabrina, and how about this, man?

I can totally try and embrace
being in a relationship, okay?

Yes.

And I'm gonna tell you something

I told every woman I've ever had sex with.

This is gonna be a lot
better than you think.

All right, let's rename your penis.

Brought in a baby-naming book.

And we're off to an awful start.

I don't think this says anything
about where I am in my life,

but I'm 34 and I need to name something.

Come on, Brett.

The best names reflect the personality,

so describe him.

I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable

going through the
intricate details of my...

So, he's handsome.

Um, he's a bit of a guy's guy.

And, uh, he's quite shy,

but has also been known
to rise to the occasion.

Why not Barack?

He still fills me with hope.

You know, Barack actually
works for mine, too,

because it's gradually moving
a little more to the left,

and people only ask for it
about once every four years.

All right.

We're not doing clever nicknames.

How about Liam?

Finn? Lance?

Sounds like you're putting together

the world's gayest boy band.

The Buttstreet Boys.

I'm not proud, but I got more.

Be, uh, Nude Kids on the Block.

Boys do Men.

The Jonas Brothers. That's...

Sometimes I feel like I'm in competition

with the other people
in my Master's program,

but at the same time, it's
like, "same team, guys."

You know what I mean?

- Yeah.
- So, I don't know.

What do you think?

Um...

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

You know what? You're right.

I am trying to do too much, I think.

Thank you so much for listening.

Oh.

Thanks for constantly talking.

We should probably be
getting to the restaurant,

so I am just gonna go touch up real quick.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Uh-huh.

See? How great is this?

Are you kidding me?!

This has been the longest
three hours of my life.

You got here 10 minutes ago.

Oh, my God, man. That
means time has stopped.

No, you're freaking out
right now, all right?

Just calm down.

You sat at this exact same
table with her last night.

Yeah, but last night, there
were no expectations, okay?

Right now, we're just like,

"uh, ooh, we're having some drinks, and... "

Later on, dude, later on we're gonna

[mockingly] Go out and
get something to eat.

You're just saying normal things

in a disgusted tone, all right?

Nothing has changed.

Sabrina's not acting any different.

[Laughs]

Yeah, I know, man. That's...
man, everything's the same.

Huh? That's how smart
girls play it, man, huh?

Nothing changes.

Nothing at all changes

up until the day you get married,

and then guess what?

Everything's the same.

Danny's having a panic attack!

Snap out of it!

Hey, man, you touch my
face, I'll touch your face.

- I touch your face!
- You don't do it like that!

I owe you a touch if you
touch me like that, man.

Hey.

Let me handle this.

I briefly went to nursing school.

Danny.

You need to do what we
medical professionals

call calm your ass down.

I don't think I can do this.

I'm not this guy.

Danny.

Where's Danny?

Interesting story.

Did you know that Shelly

briefly went to nursing school?

Why did you quit, buddy?

I was asked to.

I started playing God.

Of course Danny didn't
ditch you at the bar.

Don't be crazy.

Danny just ran out

so he could set up a
special evening at the house.

Isn't that right, Danny?

Uh...

Yeah.

Oh. So, can I take my blindfold off?

Uh, no, no, no. Not... not quite yet.

I don't want to... I don't want to...

You're gonna really... He's
not done arranging things.

I mean, there's wine and rose petals.

Hey man, what the hell are you doing?

I'm saving your ass!

Wow, Danny, that is a lot of candles.

Start lighting some candles!

This is bad! You got
to get her out of here!

No, this is good.

If you just open yourself
up, I'm telling you.

No, man, trust me!

This is really, really bad!

What's going on?

Who is that?

Uh, that... that was me.
I was doing a girly voice.

[High-pitched voice]
What's going on? Oh, my God!

This is crazy. I'm losing it!

Okay. This is getting seriously weird.

I'm taking this off.

[Normal voice] No! No! Just...

Uh, uh, Danny is not ready yet,

so you have to wait a
minute, Sabrina, please.

This does not feel like
a sustainable solution!

Justin, get your hand off of my face.

Ow!

Wow.

Sabrina, wait.

What?

I don't know.

Honestly, I-I didn't
expect you to really wait.

Hey, there he is.

You know what? To hell with baby bird.

I'm gonna start calling you Cilantro.

Why Cilantro?

Because you ruin everything.

Why did you have to
invite Sabrina over, okay?

What are you gonna do now
to "fix" my relationship?

Have a film festival and
show all my old sex tapes?

Ticket for one, please.

Are you really trying to
say that this is my fault?

All I know is yesterday,

I was happy with Sabrina, all right?

And then you pushed me into a relationship,

and now it's over.

Oh.

Oh, you were happy

just having sex with a beautiful woman,

no strings attached?

Yeah, that doesn't really help my argument,

but I feel like if I keep talking,

that eventually, I'm gonna find it,

and you're just... you know what?

The more I live with you, I
realize you're just a selfish person

who just comes and goes as you please

with no responsibilities,

and what's gonna end up happening

is every girl you have is just gonna leave,

and you're gonna spend every night alone.

There we go! Now I'm
starting to get my argument!

Coming in for the landing!
You'll never find love!

Is that how you all feel?

You'd have to read it back to me.

Brett?

Hey, guys, for a penis name,

what do you think of Duncan?

It's Scottish for "brown warrior."

Listen, if you had any guts at all,

you would try to fix
this thing with Sabrina.

But guess what?

You won't.

Sorry, Danny.

Justin's right, you're a coward.

Oh, is that what he was saying?

'Cause I agree with that.

Hey, Sabrina, how's it going?

Guys, box her in.

Her stare's cold, Danny.

Les, could you help me out?

She's your friend.

[Sighs]

Sabrina, I warned you about Danny

and you said it would
never affect our friendship.

And it won't.

Did what I could.

Sabrina, w-wait, okay.

I-I-I really, actually,

I have something to say this time.

I'm a coward, you know, and...

I know that that...

probably doesn't make much
sense to you, because...

That you purposefully
ruin every relationship

that could be good for you

because you are a sad,
pathetic little child?

Okay.

Okay, all right, so you get the gist of it.

Um...

Look, I-I just... I want you to know,

I-I didn't even kiss that
girl, and it was because of you,

and I mean, it's... It
was because you came in,

but I don't think I would've done anything.

This is the worst apology ever.

Look, I'm new to this.

I'm new to relationships, okay?

I-I'm like a baby, and...
and just like a baby,

if you love it too much, then it could die.

Have you ever met a baby?

I mean, technically, you
can't ever really meet a baby

'cause a baby can't be all like,
"Hi, I'm Steve the baby," or whatever.

Look, I-I don't know how to
get close to people, all right?

I just... I get so crazy and
everything gets magnified,

even your breathing, it's like...

How do I breathe?

Just in and out over and over
again. It's not your fault.

The point is all this
happened because I-I was...

I was trying to get... close to you.

[Sighs] I-I'm trying.

This is me trying,

and that's... that's...
that's... that's new for me.

I-I...

Sabrina, let me keep trying.

Look, I really appreciate that,

but I'm not about to be

anybody's relationship
training wheels, okay?

You really hurt me.

So, goodbye, Danny.

Ooh.

Uh, well, that sucked.

I'm a mess, huh?

No.

No, no, no. You are not a mess, all right?

You put yourself out there.

Which means the next time
that you're with a great girl,

whether it's Sabrina or somebody else,

you'll be ready.

Danny, you're growing up.

I'm proud of you. [Chuckles]

I mean, this is probably
what Geppetto felt like

when Pinocchio became a real boy.

When she... when Sabrina left,

why did she go in your
office and not out the door?

All right, don't get mad.

It's just I thought
this whole Sabrina thing

was gonna go a lot differently,

because I'm a romantic and
I like to think like that.

And you know that we needed somebody

to cover Nicki's waitress shifts.

Baby bird, whoa, whoa.
What did you just do?

Well, that one's on the house.

[Chuckles]

Anybody else need a beer?

I'm gonna kill you.

Okay.

So, I've named my penis.

It's a mouthful.

No, it's not... it's
not... it's not a mouthful,

it's... I'll ju... I'll
just show it to you.

I'm...

I'm not gonna show it to you. Aah!

Aww, you went with my suggestion.

Thank you.

Yep.

And it's already spread like wildfire.

How'd you make it happen so fast?

I asked a gay man to keep a secret.

Well, now I feel responsible for him.

I-I want to know about his life.

Will you keep me updated? Will you...?

Will you let me know if
he makes any new friends.

Yes. Of course.

God... I'm getting emotional
about naming my gay friend's penis.

Maybe time to ask myself
some hard questions.

Well I'll tell you what they told
me my first day at nursing school.

White girls are crazy.