Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 10 - Daddy Issues - full transcript

Guys, I know what I'm
gonna do for my birthday.

Just got off the phone with Nicki,

and she's driving down,

and not to give away too many details,

but there's gonna be a
naughty-nurse costume involved.

Cool. What's, uh, she gonna dress as?

You may not believe this,
but I'm pretty good in bed.

'Cause Nicki and I did a little sex survey

in one of those weird
magazines that she likes.

She gave me a 9.

It was an average of a 7 for performance



and an 11 for enthusiasm.

Whee!

Shelly actually filled out
one of those surveys last week,

but accidentally answered
the girl questions.

Turns out female Shelly
is a real sloppy ho.

All right, anyway, so, she's coming down,

and I was thinking that maybe
we could close up the bar

and, uh, drink with my
real family... you guys.

No gifts, though.

Personally, that's a huge stress-reliever

because you're really hard to shop for.

I mean, you have, like, all the khakis.

[Laughs]

- Hey, a white wine, Les?
- Oh, yeah.



Well, I guess there still
is some valuable real estate

left in Detroit.

- Certainly is a beautiful view.
- Hmm.

Sorry. Which one of us are you talking to?

I'm talking to this young lady right here.

Young? Really? Mm.

Quick, you guys...

Do I like I've taken a shower recently?

It looks like it,

but you smell like you
used beer instead of water.

Sweetie, you look like
Beyoncé on show night...

- Fierce.
- Fierce.

Mama's going in.

[Clears throat]

I don't know why that guy
seems so familiar to me.

I mean, he looks like I want to fix him,

but also strangle him at the same time.

Dad?

There he is.

What... what the hell are you doing here?

I was headed to Chicago on a gig.

I wanted to swing by for my son's birthday.

Well, if we're giving out hugs.

- [Giggles]
- Oh.

Leslie.

Okay, this is... this is a nightmare.

Just...

Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

♪ Oh-oh-oh,
oh, oh ♪

Big finish! ♪ Undateable ♪

Uh, nobody can see you doing jazz hands.

They know.

[Laughter]

Uh, what are you guys talking about?

Uh, the night you were conceived.

We're all... we're all grown-ups here.

Am I right? I can tell this guy
knows his way around the rodeo.

Well, if by rodeo, you mean sex...

[Chuckles] Um, uh, no, unfortunately.

Uh, I don't.

So, what's next, dad, huh?

You gonna tell everybody
how I used to run around

in mom's high heels
when I was a little kid?

Dude, I used to practice making
out on my Hugh Grant poster,

and you had a gayer childhood than me.

Ha ha ha.

Okay, if we were all in a fire together

and we're wearing heels,

I'd be the only one to get out safely.

Uh, baby bird, if we're
ever both stuck in a place

that's on fire and wearing high heels,

just, you know, let me die.

You know what, dad?

Why don't... why don't you
just go back to my place, okay?

And, uh, I'll be there in
a while, and we'll grab dinner.

I got it. Yep. The old
man's embarrassing you.

Understood. It's okay.

It's nice to meet all of you.

[Clears throat]

- He seems like a pretty cool guy.
- Oh, yeah.

I mean, he left me when I was 13 years old.

I see him once a year now, tops.

I mean, I've told you
this like a million times.

I know, but I have like a
million fake-listening faces.

H-here's one.

Oh, uh, this is the one I do
when you talk about musicals.

Ooh.

But you want to know what sucks

is that I actually know how selfish he is,

but he's so good at hiding
it from other people.

Look, just do me a favor...

Don't let him charm you.

All right, well, I think
it's too late for Leslie.

I gave him a little side boob in that hug.

God, this is the day from hell.

I just got hit on by another married guy,

and my quads are still
on fire from pilates.

Well, somebody call 911.

We got ourselves a white-girl emergency.

A what?

You know, a white-girl emergency,

like if you forgot to Instagram
a picture of a cupcake.

[Laughs]

Yeah, or if your DVR
didn't record "Scandal."

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I just some crazy girl
complaining about nothing?

Yeah, now you get it.

Okay, gentlemen, save yourselves.

God!

I mean, I'm not some kind
of chronic complainer.

Back me up, Leslie.

Sabrina, I am one of your oldest friends.

And... ?

I got nothing.

Ooh!

I don't care what you think.

Waiting tables is very difficult.

Oh, no, no. Sometimes
you have to handle a beer

or, "oh, no, pretzels!"

You know what?

I am gonna flip this
coin, and if it is heads,

then you will cover my shifts
for the rest of this weekend,

but if it's tails,

you will never hear me complain again.

Oh, that's worth the risk.

Yes!

- Damn it!
- All right.

[Clears throat] Oh, oh, quick tip...

You get a lot more money if
you squish your boobs together.

Hey, there he is! I
wanted to cook you a meal.

- Danny and I went shopping.
- Glad to help, Frank-o.

Oh, my God, he charmed you.

Baby bird, I can't be charmed

by anything that doesn't have breasts.

Will you watch my sauce?
Got to make a quick call.

- Yeah, yeah, for sure.
- Yeah.

We're making sauce and all that.

Okay, maybe he charmed
me a little bit, okay?

- But in my defense...
- Stop, okay?

You don't know how many
times he's let me down.

Stop making the listening face!

Look, I have a very perfect system

when it comes to my dad, all right?

He cruises into town,
we grab a quick dinner,

and he's gone the next day.

This way, I don't give him
a chance to disappoint me.

Do not mention my party.

Okay, well, what if I have

a hypothetical question for you, then?

Danny, I want you to look
me in the eyes right now

and tell me that you did
not ask my dad to stay.

I didn't ask your dad to stay.

Great news... I'm gonna be
able to stay through the weekend

for your birthday thing.

In my defense, I have absolutely no problem

looking into somebody's eyes and lying.

I've never had sex in your bed.

So, Danny tells me you
have a serious girlfriend.

What's she like?

Nicki? W... uh, yeah, she's great.

That's all you're gonna say?

I mean, she's way out of his league.

Most people think that she's a doll

that he purchased from the Internet.

You always did swing big with the women.

Remember when you were
12 and you asked out Barb,

our middle-aged neighbor,
to your eighth-grade dance?

I was like the coolest kid in school.

And then I realized how lonely Barb was

when she tried to invite me to Hawaii.

[Laughter]

Ha. What am I doing?

Hey, dad, you remember
that time when I was 15,

and we... oh, you know what?

Never mind. You weren't there, so...

Kiddo, I-I know we're not close.

I want that to change. What can I do?

You could build a time machine

and go back and teach
me how to use a condom

so mom didn't have to do it.

Oh, yeah, she taught me in front
of the whole eagle-scout troop,

yeah, with a banana
that she ate afterwards.

And you want to know the
saddest part of that story?

Uh, well, you know what?

I was gonna say that it was
that you were an eagle scout,

but it's got to be the fact
that she ate the banana.

Look, you're welcome to my party,

but don't act like you're a new guy.

I'm sorry, man.

I'll... hey, I-I'll talk to him, you know?

It's just, you know...

it's hard because he
comes from a broken family.

He... you probably already know that.

Yeah.

- My fries?
- They're coming!

Dude, this is half full.

I got thirsty.

I'm running my ass off here, man! Damn!

Here's your chicken tenders, ma'am.

Well, I-I didn't order these.

Oh, well, congratulations.

You just won the chicken-tender lottery.

[Gasps, giggles]

Come on, man.

W-w-what's the point

of letting your dad come
to your birthday party

if you're not gonna
give him another chance?

Why won't you drop this?

Because I'm all about
fathers and sons, okay?

Y-you remember that
movie "Field of Dreams,"

when Kevin Costner
finally sees his dad again,

and then he picks up the glove, and then...

[gasping] No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

What is it with you and that movie?

I'm a man, and it makes every man

want to connect with his dad.

Hey, dad.

Yeah, it's Brett-Brett.

Yeah. Still gay.

Look, I'm not gonna let
my dad suck me in, okay?

'Cause, eventually, he's gonna bail.

When was the last time you
really gave your dad a chance?

Look, I really think
that your dad's trying.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, this is
the first time in years

that he's actually remembered my birthday.

Okay, great. See?

And it would be nice for him to meet Nicki.

Of course it would.

You know, there's actually a
f... a few great things about him.

I mean, he taught me to love musicals.

I mean, that's not one of the
great things, but I'm with you.

Okay. Yeah, I'm in.

I'm gonna give him a second chance.

- Okay, great.
- Yeah.

You got to feel good about that.

Yes! I'm excited that he's coming.

[Cellphone rings] Oh, awesome.

- Okay. We got this.
- Ohh, yeah.

He just texted me. He's not coming.

This looks like a bad time,
but where the hell's table two?

I can't believe your
dad just took off again.

You and me both, buddy.

I-I wish somebody
would've seen this coming.

Are you kidding me?

That's what I've been
saying the whole time.

What... [Sighs]

- Shelly, I need a drink.
- I'm on break.

Hey, man, look, I get it.
You're mad at your dad.

Oh, I'm not mad at him I'm mad at you.

You got me to care again.

This is your fault.

You actually don't need to
attack me, baby bird, okay?

Because this is all my fault.

When I realize something's all my fault

and there's no way I can win an argument,

I don't fight fair.

It's true.

I taught him the fine art
of arguing like a woman.

I... why?

Why did you have to get
involved in this, Danny?

I don't know. How come
you borrowed my brush

and you actually never gave it back to me?

What does that have to do with anything?

We're talking about my dad.

And why are you talking down to me?

Why are you doing that?

Because it's... is it because
I didn't go to college?

You think I'm stupid?
You're hurting my feelings.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

If you're not trying to hurt my feelings,

then what should I do? Just shut up?

Maybe I should never say
anything ever again, ever.

Maybe that's what I should do.

I'm... I'm sorry if you feel th...

How are you winning this fight?!

Stop it! Look!

If you had just stayed out of this,

then my dad would've just
left, and I'd be fine.

[Grunts]

Aw, come here! All right? I love you.

What are you doing?!

I know that I hate hugs just
as much as you love them,

but I'm not letting go until you tell me

what I have to do to make
you not mad at me anymore!

I don't know, man! Just...

Come on! Stop squirming!

I mean, this is kind of nice.

We definitely have to find
a healthier solution to this.

I suggest that we just,
like, drink very, very much.

Brett, fire up the whiskey, huh?

Justin: Oh, no, no,
no. I'm gonna get drunk,

but I'm not doing it with you.

I'm gonna get drunk alone, like a man.

Brett, break out the butterscotch liqueur.

I really don't know how this is
gonna fit on my bike rack, but...

[Clears throat]

Attention, bar.

Due to the stress of this job,

I may or may not have
smoked some marijuana...

and forgotten everyone's order.

So, feel free to line up in the kitchen

and take whatever you want.

We are out of the following items...

Meats...

Cheeses...

Breads.

Did I mention I may or may not
have smoked some marijuana...

and forgotten everyone's order?

So, please line up in the kitchen

and take whatever you want.

[Slurring] Hey, what the heck?

You're not pizza. You're Leslie.

Great. You're drunk. Where's Justin?

[Chuckling] Hello,

I've been looking for him
for like so many minutes, man.

[Clears throat]

Yeah, hey, Leslie,

uh, uh... Leslie, I
have a question for you.

Do you... do you believe in magic?

Uh, sure. It's possible.

Yes! I knew it.

I knew that it was possible because...

oh, God. I...

I was saying that magic
could be real, but then...

and then, uh, Frank comes along,

and Frank is like, "uh,
no, magic's not real,"

and I was like, "okay, so
you don't believe in magic,

and you're rude... being
really rude to your son.

Strike two, Frank."

W-w-what's up?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I feel okay, but you know what?

You... hey, you want s...
you want the rest of this?

Psych. It's a trick. It's all gone.

You know, it's like I
feel okay on one hand,

but then on the other
hand, I feel so guilty

because, uh, I feel like it's all my fault.

Hey, what the heck? Where have you been?

[Slurring] In my room.

Did you fall asleep in a coat?

I couldn't find my blankets.

Any more questions?

Don't talk to him. Why
would you talk to him?

He... this whole thing
with my dad is his fault.

Yeah, whatever, "Fargo." It's not my fault.

Well, actually, you just
said it was your fault.

Hey, shut up. That was so long
ago, it was like practically June.

Les.

Both: Leslie. Hey, Les. Les.

Oh, my God! Stop! Both of you!

You're ruining alcohol for
me, and that's all I have left.

You want to know what sucks the most?

Yeah.

That every... every time my dad bails,

I-I never get to say what I-I want to say.

What do you want to say?

About what?

Right! Well, I just wish
I could let him know,

you know, that it's not
his loss... it's my loss.

[Chuckles]

No, flip 'em.

It's not my loss, it's his loss.

That's what I want to say,
just to his face, just one time.

Like to say that.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Uh, I'm gonna throw up, though.

'Cause I throw up when I drink too much...

And when I'm sad, so that's two for one.

Does it bother you that
he just went outside?

Hello. No, he has a coat on.

Ohh, guys, I said no gifts.

Ohh, yeah, but your real friends know

that even when you say no gifts,

you're supposed to bring a gift.

I'm just happy all you are here.

That's the best gift I can ask for.

Frank: Come on, put me down, man! Damn it!

Here, get him over here,
over here, over here.

[Grunting]

What?

I thought you left.

I was about to, and these
maniacs kidnapped me.

Danny, what did you do?

It's a team effort.

Danny said he needed a, uh,
wingman, and... He asked me.

That's because nobody
else picked up the phone,

but whatever.

I get it. You drag me
here so I can tell Justin

how bad I feel for taking off.

No, no, no. You know
what? Hold on a second.

This actually isn't about
what you have to say.

This is about what Justin
needs to say, but never gets to.

Okay? So you're gonna listen.

You know what? He's right.

Dad, you know all those
big moments that you left

and bailed on me, well,
you should know something...

It's not your loss. It's my loss.

Nope. Flip it.

Damn it!

Phew.

It's not my loss. It's your loss.

'Cause guess what... I'm
happy. I'm actually happy.

And you know what I see when I see you?

I see a sad man.

You're right, kiddo.

I missed out.

Well, you're... I mean,
you're here now, you know?

And Nicki's gonna be here in an hour.

Look, if you want to... Stay.

- You know, you can meet her.
- I'd love to.

But... If I don't leave
now, I'm gonna miss a gig.

Got me again.

I'm sorry, but singing is my life.

[Chuckling] Okay? It... You know what?

It's just something you'd have
to be great at to understand.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Turn that skinny butt
around, Frankie pants.

Look, you can say a lot of
things about my boy's singing,

okay... annoying, very
annoying, grating on your ears...

but one thing that you can't
say is that it's not great.

I'm sure Justin can "carry a tune."

But I'm professionally trained. Listen.

♪ Well, I guess that's why
they call it the blues ♪

Take him down, baby bird.

Danny, I don't want to...

♪ laughin' like children ♪

♪ Livin' like lovers ♪

♪ Rollin' like thunder ♪

♪ Under the covers ♪

♪ And I guess that's why ♪

♪ They call it the blues ♪

♪ And I guess that's
why they call it the ♪

[Falsetto] ♪ blu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-es ♪

[Cheers and applause]

♪ Don't let the door ♪

♪ Hit you on the ass on the way out ♪

Thanks, man.

Okay.

Enough of this. Birthday shots all around!

- Yeah!
- Brett!

- Break out the butterscotch liqueur.
- No, no, no.

Look, enough with that,
all right? You passed out,

and I finished the butterscotch liqueur,

so I... [Retches] Listen...

I actually even have
trouble saying it, okay?

So just drop it.

Saying what? Butterscotch?

[Retches]

- [Laughter]
- Come on.

- Hey, uh, do we have some?
- Oh, l-l-look.

- Oh, butterscotch.
- We have butterscotch.

[Retches]

You want some of this?

[Retches]

[All shouting]

Hurry up with those gin and tonics, Brett.

I'm trying to burn-and-turn that two-top.

I also need six drafts,

two burgers... one rare, one hockey puck...

and a pitcher of "kiss my ass" for Sabrina

'cause this ain't that hard.

Oh really.

Because you're the one who has been
working for the past 48 hours...

and I'm still the one getting the paycheck.

But you know what?

Here's a tip.

You used a double-sided coin.

Oh... yes I did.

This is why no one likes you.