Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Julius Effect - full transcript

When Leslie's ex-husband (guest star JOSH HOPKINS - Cougar Town) makes an impromptu visit, Danny has to make a tough decision regarding family and friendships. Meanwhile, after a nightmare, Shelly vows to visit Danny in his dreams.

Good morning, Danny.

Man, I-I really want to make
fun of that ridiculous outfit,

but I'm just a little too groggy.

Ahh! All right.

Uh, why do you look like you're
in a completely female version

of "The Hunger Games"?

Namaste, boys.

Shell, don't tell me you do yoga, too.

Hell, yeah, I do.

My favorite yoga pose
is downward-facing girl.

Speaking of which, I
have issues with you, sir.



You were mean to me in my dreams.

I was about to get it on
with that hot yoga girl,

and you stole her away from me.

You can't get mad at me for
something I did in a dream.

That's banana pants.

No, I know how he feels.

I mean, ever since Nicki moved away,

I've been having these
dreams she's cheating on me

with her high-school boyfriend.

It really bums me out.

Oh, yeah, but that for sure

is almost definitely actually happening.

Just apologize to him. He's your buddy.

I'm not gonna apologize
for yoga girl, okay?



I've had dream sex with millions of girls,

including Charlize Theron,

the local barista at my coffee shop,

and also an alien

that was kind of looking like a shark.

The next time you fall asleep,

I'm gonna visit you in your subconscious,

and I'm gonna have my revenge.

Uh-oh! You've done it.
Look at him, look at him.

He's already getting
in your head right now.

I assume it's like a big warehouse,

just filled with hundreds
of faceless girls,

posters of Fonzie.

Hell, I bet, uh, yoga
girl's already in there.

You tell that cheating bitch I said hi.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

This week, Burski dies.

No, he doesn't.

Okay, but we can hope, right?

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Hey, Les.

You do know that was
straight Tequila, don't you?

Can I have a lime?

Julius is meeting me here.
He's out parking his car.

We are finally signing our divorce papers.

So listen up.

I'm super happy, I-I'm
not drinking as much,

and I'm having sex all the time. Got it?

Shouldn't we go with
things that are believable?

Hey, Les.

Hey, Julius.

Danny.

Got nothing to say to you.

You're like a guy who
can pull off a ponytail.

You don't exist.

Well, well, well.

You're less fat than I thought you'd be.

I should let you know,
buddy, this is my bar.

And like the sign says,

management reserves the right
to refuse service to... farts.

Who changed the damn sign?!

Uh, remember how I said I
had nothing to say to you?

Well, uh... I lied,

'cause I totally have
something to say to you.

Are you seriously trying

to do the Val Kilmer
tooth chomp from "Top Gun"?

I don't know, Maverick. You tell me.

Well, Iceman...

You want to back this cowboy up,

you're gonna have to get
a lot closer than that.

Maybe I'll get this close.

Maybe I'll get...

This close.

Maybe I'll get this close.

That's pretty close.

But maybe...

I'll get...

rhis close.

Um, am I the only one that
wants them to kiss now?

Danny, those stupid yoga pants

are really chafing the tip of my penis.

Good thing no one will ever see it.

Sorry.

I-I just... after seeing
Julius today, I needed to vent.

Oh, well, if you want to be
sad about love on any couch,

this is the couch.

This baby has caught a lot of my tears.

Yeah, you know you're, like, proud
of all the wrong things, right?

Julius really hurt me.

And... and then today,
at the lawyer's office,

it was such a drag, and
he kept making me laugh,

and he's still so charming.

How did you even meet this creep, Les?

Uh, I actually knew him
first. I introduced them.

- Yeah, thanks again.
- Yeah.

God, he was my best
friend. I worshipped him.

I probably felt the same way
about him as you do about me.

Cautiously optimistic that he could change?

You know what?

He taught me how to close with a girl

without even saying a word, like this.

What are you doing? I'm a guy.

Stop that.

What is...

That's stupid.

You're stupid.

You know, you guys were really tight.

It must have been hard for
you to see him today, too.

Nah. He's dead to me.

Aw, thanks.

You're an amazing brother. Mwah!

See ya.

- Bye.
- Wow.

Danny, that was beautiful.

No, no. Baby bird, don't... no, no.

I mean, it warms my heart

to see you care for your sister like that.

It's just nice to see you

coming to my side a little bit, you know?

Really, don't do this, because, uh...

Hey, you can come out now. She's gone.

Baby bird, don't freak out.

"Baby bird"?!

That is perfect!

He's so small and adorable.

Yeah.

I promise, man, if we ever get tight,

I'm totally gonna let
you sit on my shoulder

and just ride around.

I can't believe that
you two, in this house,

wearing the same shirt!

So that whole thing at the bar...

that was just an act?

No, man. That was way
more than an act, man.

That was like a... that was like
an award-winning performance.

Oh, my God, no.

Oh, God! Okay.

I... oh, God. I really...
I didn't expect this, really.

I, uh... oh, my gosh,

that's so much heavier than
it looks like it is on TV.

Um...

Hey, I'm gonna go grab
something out of your room.

Whatever. I'm still friends
with Julius. Who cares?

How could you do this to Leslie?

Uh, don't you mean how
could Leslie do this to me?

You know the famous saying about divorce...

it's the kids that suffer the most,

but it's also the brother of the wife

who was friends with the ex-husband

that also suffers very, very much.

Well, I'm just shocked to see you

hanging out with someone
that's more handsome than you.

Actually, we're both equally as handsome,

and I know that because
I slept with the same girl

that he slept with once, and
I asked her, and she said,

"you know what? You're both
equally as handsome." So...

Leslie's not gonna get hurt,
because she doesn't know, okay?

And you can lie to a loved one

as long as they're not gonna find out.

And that's also another saying that I love.

Where do you get your sayings?

From a book of sayings
that I've been working on

that are things that I've
said that pertain to my life.

I get that Julius was
a lousy husband, okay?

But he's always a great
friend and a great guy.

You'd know that if you knew him.

I don't want to get to know him,

'cause to quote a great man,

"it's not our abilities that
show us who we really are,

it's the choices that we make."

Yo! Who's quoting Dumbledore out here, huh?

You a fan? We should
play Quidditch sometime.

Right. I mean, I always think about that.

That'd be crazy. We could do that.

No! What am I doing?

Listen, hey, I'm sorry, man,

but, um, it's gonna be very hard for me

not to see you as the guy
who screwed Leslie over, okay?

♪ Just a small-town girl ♪

♪ livin' in a lonely world ♪

♪ She took the midnight
train going anywhere ♪

Of all the songs, you had
to pick that one? I'm in.

♪ Just a city boy ♪

♪ born and raised in south Detroit ♪

♪ He took the midnight
train going anywhere ♪

♪ Don't stop believin' ♪

So you're still friends with Leslie's ex?

That doesn't feel right.

You just bought yourself an ear flick.

Look, even Justin likes Julius.

That's so not true.

Uh, you guys sang half of
"West Side Story" together.

That was a beautiful 45-minute slipup.

All right?

And now Leslie's on her way,
and what are we supposed to say?

You're supposed to cover for
me and lie like a bro, okay?

Brett, you know how to lie, right?

I convinced 12 women

that I enjoyed having
intercourse with them.

I think I can handle this.

Bursk?

Well, people don't usually
listen to what I say anyway,

so I figure if I'm gonna be...

Shelly, how about you?

What if someone gets in your
face and demands the truth, huh?

I just plead marijuana-related ignorance.

Good move.

Oh, make nice all you want, Danny,

but when you fall asleep tonight,

I'm coming for your ass.

That leaves us with you.

You're the one I'm concerned about.

You don't have to be
concerned or worried about me.

I'm a great liar.

That's a lie. I just lied right now.

I'm not good at lying, okay?

Honestly, I can't do
it. I get very nervous.

I move my hands a lot. My
arms just go around and...

Well, look, it's not gonna come up.

But if it does, you're
gonna do whatever you did

on all those lonely nights
in high school, okay?

You're gonna take your medium-sized hands

and stick them in your pockets
and grab hold of something.

Hey, guys.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hey! There she is.

Look at her.

Good to see her. That's a great purse.

Hey, hey.

Why is everyone acting weird?

Weird?

Who's weird?

Elevator. Bing!

You know what? I-I-I think
that they're not acting weird.

- They're just weird guys, right?
- Right.

Anyway, I, uh...

I can't get that song
"Maria" out of my head.

Today at the lawyer's office,

Julius wouldn't stop
singing "West Side Story."

Well, the man can carry a tune, you know?

When did you hear him sing?

What?

I-I never... I didn't...
I never heard him...

I never heard him sing. No, I...

well, it's just when you two
walked in here the other day,

uh, you know, together,

I noticed his Adam's apple was really high.

You know, it's kind of up there.

And I've noticed people with
high Adam's apples, they...

you know, they have really good voices

that can kind of just fill a room.

You know, it just really fills a room,

and it can grab people
and kind of pull them...

Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey.

Pockets.

Did you guys see Julius?

Shelly?

I had four pot brownies for breakfast.

You know what? I remember what it was.

Uh... I was making fun of Justin's singing.

Remember, Justin?

Y-y-yeah. No, I-I-I remember that.

That... that... that definitely
happened, uh, you know?

I was just singing away, like I...

Right, right.

And then I was telling him
how much your ex-husband

liked to do the same thing,

and now you're doing it, also, so...

Oh.

Sorry for accusing you guys.

You always have my back.

Julius was at our house, okay?

And I sang with him, and it was beautiful.

If you were there, you would have loved it.

And Danny's still friends with him.

Are you serious?

Come on, les.

Unbelievable, man.

Why couldn't you lie for me? They all did.

That's true.

I had five pot brownies for breakfast.

Leslie? You here?

Danny wants to apologize.

No, man, I don't want to apologize.

I have to,

all because Johnny Choirboy
decided to grow a conscience.

I heard that, you ass!

Just let me get dressed.

Dude, why couldn't you
just lie for me, man?

I lie for you all the time.

Friends aren't supposed
to lie for each other.

They're supposed to help each
other become better people.

I'm gonna ask you a serious question,

and I want you to be 100% honest.

Are you a Care Bear?

Danny, I'm gonna tell you something,

and it's gonna be a little harsh,

but I want you to know it
comes from a place of love.

Okay, shoot, baby bird.

You're going to die alone.

Whoa, what happened to your hair?

Yeah, what, did you open a plane door?

Oh, great, man. I've seen this before.

She's so mad she can't even even talk.

You just got to wait it out,

and pretty soon, she'll explode

and take everything down
in her path, including you.

You know what, Danny? I
take back what I said before.

You're a horrible brother.

I totally agree with you, Les.

Nobody's talking to you, cabbage patch.

You know what? I am your sister!

Does that not mean anything to you?!

No, because you're insensitive
and selfish and a jerk,

and you're also... What?

Yes! You're gonna die alone!

And y-you know what?

Get out of here. Just g-go!

- Get out, get out!
- Why, why?

Why are you hustling us out?

- Go!
- I'm trying to apologize to you.

Get out of here!

Leslie, what's going on?
Who are you talking to?

What is wrong with this family?

Did you just see that?

See what?

Is someone there? Hello?

Dream ninja!

- Aah!
- Aah.

Now your turn, bright eyes.

Eat steel, bitch!

Shelly!

Hello again.

Just say it, bro. It's the only way.

Listen, man, Shelly, I'm so sorry

for what I did to you in your dream.

And like that... poof!... You're free.

So, Shelly visited my dreams.

Oh, my g... well, sit down
and tell me all about it.

Come on. Sit that ass down.

You know what I just
realized? I don't care.

Eh, whatever. It doesn't matter.

Julius is coming by anyway,

and he loves when I tell him my dreams.

You're not still hanging
out with him, are you?

Yeah. Leslie had sex with him again,

so obviously I can do whatever I want.

Look, I don't think you get it.

All right.

You want to know why
Shelly got into your dream?

Because he's a magical creature

that we all made up in our imagination?

Maybe.

Or maybe it's because deep down,

you actually have a conscience.

Yeah, I know. It's hard
for me to believe, too.

Look, I want you to think about
Leslie for a minute here, okay?

Think about this.

You know how much Julius hurt her.

You know how twisted up she was

about having to sign those divorce papers.

You don't think falling back
into bed with him just once

wouldn't totally mess her up?

Look, you don't know my sister at all.

She's the toughest human
being I've ever met, man.

Yeah, so she slept with
her ex. It doesn't matter.

She's probably brushing it off right now.

Really? Okay.

Does that look like someone
who's just brushing it off?

Cheers.

I cannot believe I slept with Julius.

I'm such an idiot.

It's okay.

I'd have done the same thing.

Now, you see how they're
all taking care of her?

Granted, Burski's just
looking for an excuse

to play with her bra.

Still, I got to say it.

Daniel, I'm disappointed in you.

All right, look, I know you like acting

like you're a disappointed dad, okay?

But don't do "disappointed dad" to me...

Even though you are dressed like it.

I just expected a lot more from you, son.

Hey, uh, there's something
I need to say to you.

You know how you're always trying

to make me a better person?

Yeah.

I seriously hate you so much for that.

Hey, Les.

I bought and ate an entire cake.

I'm gonna keep moving.

Hey, Danny, you ready to go?

Look, I'm pissed at you, man,

and I want to... I wanted to talk to you

in front of my sister.

What, so you lied to get me down here?

Did you know about this, Justin?

Me, know about this today,
all this stuff together?

No! What? Are you nuts?

Yeah, I knew.

Look, you can't just sleep with my sister

and mess with her head.

You're mad at me for sleeping with Leslie?

Buddy, it... it takes two
people to make that decision.

Oh, come on, man.

I know that it was you
putting on the moves.

She hasn't slept with a single human being

since you guys split up.

Pbht!

I don't know why that's relevant.

Look, you had the best wife
in the world, and you blew it.

I am sorry, Les.

Well, what about, um...
what about you and me?

Can... can we still hang out?

It's okay, Danny. You
can do whatever you want.

She doesn't mean it. It's a trap.

Look, buddy, uh, I'm sorry,
but it's just... it's over.

Are you breaking up with me?

Well, I mean, we can still be friends.

- No, you can't!
- Right, I know. Yeah, sorry.

Danny, what about Iceman?

It's not you. It's me.

I can change.

Look, you don't have to do this.

I just did.

Is he gone?

He's not.

I know I already said
this, and I took it back.

I'm gonna say it again,
and I mean it this time.

You are the best little
brother in the whole world.

I'm so glad mom didn't let
me put you in the microwave.

Well, we're probably gonna
have to talk about that later.

But, look, I always got your back.

Hey, um, I know that, um,
it's only been like a minute,

but do you think that
Julius thinks about me?

Hey, man...

Uh, y-you're not involved
in this hug, okay?

Did you hear that, guys?

Danny wants a group hug.

Get out.

No. Stop it.

I can't believe we're doing this again,

but I just can't stop myself.

Just follow your body's lead.

I don't know who or
what brought us together,

but if they were here, I would thank them.

Oh, you're welcome.

Now you two kids just make out.

Thanks, bro.

Just promise me you'll
use this power for good.

No

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