Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 3 - Three's a Crowd - full transcript

Justin and Danny's relationship is put to the test when Nicki (recurring guest star BRIGA HEELAN) reveals she has feelings for Danny. Elsewhere, Leslie insults the city of Detroit, not realizing how deeply it would affect Shelly.

Why are you here? Okay,
you're kind of killing my game.

What game?

You just invite Nicki over every week

to watch "Mad Men."

Uh, I also make banana bread, okay?

And this week, I put
in some chocolate chips,

so I think my game is pretty airtight.

Whatever, baby bird.

See you, Nicki. I got to go meet someone.

Have fun with your friend.

Oh, it's not a friend. It's a girl.

You don't have any girls that are friends?

Oh, you're not joking.


Single guys can't be friends with girls.


Hey, uh, save me some of that banana bread.

Oh, by the way, I know
I said that sarcastically

with a laugh at the end, but,
really, it sounds delicious.

I'd like some later.

What a jerk.

- Are you really mad?
- Well, I ju... look.

I got my boobs in fourth grade,

so I've had years of people talking to me

like they're interested in me for me,

when really they're
just staring at my chest.

Go on.

Why can't anybody

just be interested in me for me, you know?

Oh, my God.

It's been you this whole time.

Y-you're the answer.

To what?

You are my proof that Danny is wrong!

I mean, seriously,

I could probably be pretty wasted

and just be all over you
like, "Oh, my God, Justin,

just, like, kiss me and,
like, touch me, like, now."

You know? And you wouldn't do anything

because you're my friend, right?

Yeah, no. Yeah, no.

No, I'm... I'm your friend.

All right.

Are you flexing?


All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

* We are best friends *

No. Never, ever do that again.

Oh, hello.

Thank you for ruining my
date with Nicki last night.

It wasn't a date, and heads up, baby bird.

What is that? What are you doing?

It's a piece of advice.

Sometimes I like to
toss them out like gifts.

Hey, Brett. Keep being
British. It works for you.

Cheerio, mate. How's your father?

I'm a cockney. David Beckham.

Hey, Bursk, stop being
so obnoxious around women.

This one's for them ugly bitches.

You need to read it again.

Your turn, bro.

All right, man.

You need to make a move like now, okay?

Otherwise, you're gonna be stuck

in the friend zone with Nicki forever.

Uh, Google news alert...

I'm not in the friend
zone with Nicki, okay?

Let's try Siri. Ting.

Siri, am I in the friend zone with Nicki?

"No, Justin. Your eyes are ocean blue.

That's impossible. L.O.L."

Come on. Let's be honest, mate.

This isn't your first trip
to the friend zone, is it?

Heather Flanders... College?

I was not in the friend zone
with Heather Flanders, okay?

She thought I was gay.

World's worst brag.

So, Danny, when you're in the
friend zone, what do you do?

You know, I have a move
that works every single time.

Never fails... I just throw
her on the back of my bike,

and I take her for a ride.

I give her my helmet, so
she knows I can protect her.

Added bonus...

I also look awesome
with the wind in my hair.

I speed up, you know? And
she's all like, "slow down!"

But I'm like, "sweetheart, I can't

'cause the adrenaline's pumpin' too hard."

So, then I just, like, lean back into her,

and she grips my hips.

Siri, did that work?


Game over.

- You don't even have a move.
- You kidding me?

I do the whole "cover her
eyes from behind game."

Then I pull away. "Look
at that. What is that?

"An eyelash? Oh, go ahead, girl.

Make a wish, 'cause
mine's about to come true."

All right, what if there's no eyelash?

There's always an eyelash

because I pluck one of
my own before going in.

Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!

- Right! Yes!
- Suck it, Bears!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Hyah! Whaaaaaat!




You're missing a great game, bro.

Ohh! God, immediately
we give the ball back.

It's like everything associated
with the word "Detroit"

- has to suck.
- Don't do it. Don't say it.

Shut up! Shut up! It's embarrassing.

You know, it's a joke of a
team for a joke of a city.

I will not sit here while you
talk about Detroit that way!

She is a beautiful lady
with an ample bosom,

and I love her!

I was born here, and I plan to die here.

Good day, ma'am.

What just happened?

It's his code.

Trash talk Detroit, you're dead to him.

How was I supposed to know that?

Every article of clothing he
has has the word "Detroit" on it.


We're cool, right?

My lucky bobblehead can't even look at you.

I'm proud of you for
not spitting in her face.

Guess who.

Oh, ow, ow, ow! Ohh! It stings!

What? Oh, it's lime
juice. God! Ow! Oh, God!

This wine cloth! Here, here! Yeah.

There's lime juice on the towel!

Aw, I'm sorry. Uh, here, take this water.

That's actually lime juice.

Why are there so many
lime products back here?!

- I'm... I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh.

But, hey, I-I think you got a...

I think you got an eyelash right... there.


No. No, you... no, you don't.

Where did that go?

Look, Nicki, can I talk
to you about something?

Yeah. Of course.

Okay, there's this...

this girl that I'm friends with,

and I've been thinking

about how I kind of want
it to be more than that.

That's, um, really weird,

'cause, um, I've been
thinking about somebody, too.

Oh, is that so?

And I, um...

I think you might know him.

I bet I do.

Uh, would you, uh, describe this... this...

this guy as, uh, handsome?

Mm, I would describe him as hot.

Okay, wow.

Uh, would you say that
he's a very good dancer?

I would say he's actually a great dancer.

Oh, well, then he will be happy

he spent all that time as a kid training.

Listen, I'm gonna pour
us a couple of drinks.

Don't worry. I know the owner.

And you're gonna tell me
who your mystery person is,

and I'm going to tell you about mine.

She likes Danny!

Ha-ha! Classic!


What? Why?

So, after she said his name,
she asked me who my person was.

I panicked and just said the first name

that came to my head, so if anybody asks,

I'm really into a girl named "Justin."

Danny, how are you gonna help him?

I'll tell you how...
he's gonna blow off Nicki

'cause Justin called dibs.

Listen, I can't ignore Nicki.

That'll just make her want me more.

That's how girls work. Right, Les?


This is my worst nightmare.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're lucky, okay?

'Cause I've got the answer right here.

Don't you dare toss that to me.

Just... just take it!


Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Okay, fine! So what? She likes me.

Whatever! Okay? She
just wants a little fun.

She wants to "add sex to cart."

What are you talking about?

He's saying that girl is in heat, bro.

Nobody is in heat! Human
girls cannot be in heat.

Oh, I've been in heat.

Look, she doesn't want a relationship.

She just wants a hookup.

Girls don't fall in love
with guys like Danny.

He's not mature. He has no substance.

Okay, you know what,
Les? I think they get it.

Look, you have no more
time for cute "moves," okay?

You got to go in there right
now and tell her how you feel.

All right. All right. You
know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go take a shower,

and then I'm gonna look in the
mirror and put on my game face.

That sounded like I
was gonna put on makeup.

I do not wear makeup.

Sure, if I have a zit,

I might put on some of
that tinted cover-up.

It looks nice. Leslie, you
know what I'm talking about.

I'm getting a little off-track.

The point is, I'm gonna crush it.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm a man. I can do this.

Should I bring some of that
banana bread? I got some left over.

No bread.


I brought you an "I love
Detroit" ice-cream cake.

I'm so sorry.

I think I'm needed in the bathroom.

Well, I guess this is going in the trash.

- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp!

Come here. My move.

Leslie, what you just
did with Shelly there,

that was, as my trainer said last week

when I lost three-quarters
of a pound, "a good start."

You got to take him to a Lions game

or... or learn his favorite song,

which is "Night moves" by
Detroit legend Bob Seger.

You just got to make a bigger gesture.

I got a big gesture for Shelly.

It involves my ass pressed
against his windshield.

One tiny mistake, and I'm dead to him?

Well, guess what.

You don't accept my
apology, you're dead to me.


Hey. What's wrong there?

Oh, nothing.

I-I tweaked my neck

trying to toss out some imaginary advice.

You need some magic fingers?

Uh, uh, I...

that's okay. Thank you very much, though.

Okay. Fine.

I was just trying to... trying to help.

Oh, it's not you. It's just, you know...

it's... Oh, yeah! God!

That feels so good.

Danny, I wish you would've let me know

that you needed a massage
'cause I would never let a friend

be in pain without helping.

You guys massage each other?

Oh, yeah.

But when Danny works on
my back, it feels more

like a deep, rhythmic,
stabbing motion, you know?

And at the end of that story,
there's... never a happy ending.

You keep your damn hands off my woman.

Okay, you know what?

That was a nonconsensual
massage, all right?

Oh, you loved it... Her
heavy breath on your neck,

her oiled-up hands all
over your naked back.

What do you think you just saw?

Look, I've done everything in my power

to try and help you get
that girl, all right?

And you know what? Frankly,
I'm getting a little bit upset

that you're getting pissed
when I haven't done anything.

Oh, really?! You want
to know what I think?!

I think y...

You're right!

I'm just... I'm upset, okay?

And I'm... I'm sorry.

Apology accepted, man.

Hey, I forgot to ask you...

Would you, um, give me a ride home later?

Um... I can't 'cause I have my motorcycle.

So what?

The first day you were here
you drove me home on your bike.

Be honest... did I not mention that?

How long has he been like this?

It's been about like 10
minutes. I don't know.

What set him off?

I'll tell you what set him off.

Our good friend Danny here
did the motorcycle move...

With Nicki.

You're as bad as your hateful sister!

Calm down, okay?

I-I just... I took Nicki
on my motorcycle one time.

It was the day I met Justin,

and I didn't know that we
were gonna be friends yet.

Just tell me this...

When you took the girl of
my dreams on your motorcycle,

did your hair flow in the wind?

My hair was great that day.

Did you do the lean-back?

I did the lean-back.

Did she grip the hips?

Oh, God, tell me she didn't grip the hi...

Justin, bloody hell! Don't do it, man!

I said I want to know everything,

and I want to know it now!

She gripped the hips, man.

The puzzle pieces are falling into place.

You've been with her the
whole time, haven't you?

Hey, what the hell are you talking about?

Oh, yeah.

How else would she know
you're a good dancer?

Oh, come on! Anyone's
who's ever seen me move

knows that I'm an amazing dancer!

Well, you know what you're not amazing at?

Being a friend.

I'm an amazing friend, okay?

The second I realized
that you were into Nicki,

I backed off.

Justin, that is textbook bros before hos.

Okay. You know what? He's right.

And I'll tell you one
more thing I'm gonna do...

I'm gonna toss you an apology.

But I should warn you, my sister and I

come from the same fiery
Sicilian bloodline, okay?

So if I toss you this apology,
and you don't accept it,

It's a-gonna be a problem, eh?

You want me to toss
you this apology or not?

I do, Danny. I really do.

Thank you.

- Justin!
- Don't be stupid!

It's done!

You sick bastard! You killed my apology!

I think it's still moving.

It needs a little De Niro, "Goodfellas."

Hey, Brett.

You left this in my car.

You're not staying for a drink?


There's a... negative energy in here

that I can't quite put my finger on,

but it's shaped exactly like Shelly.

You too are seriously still fighting?

I have a code. She ran afoul of it.

I'm gonna do something
that I swore I'd never do.

I'm gonna crap on Detroit.

Brett, make me a stiff drink.

Straight vodka coming up.

Stiff drink I'd like.

Lemon drop coming up.

You love this city as much as I do.

But this is the only way.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

Shelly, Detroit has seen better days.

You don't want to do this.

No, you brought it on yourself.
Guys, get in the game. Brett.

Detroit's the most messed-up
city I've ever seen.

And I've been to Los Angeles.

Not you! Not my sweet English rose!

Shelly, Detroit's so bad

it couldn't even keep a WNBA franchise.

You keep the shock out of this!

Or I will straight up murder you!

Detroit is a bankrupt ghost town

where you got a better
chance of getting shot

than you do finding a
streetlight that works.


Why would you do this to me?

Because you know we don't mean it.

Okay? And we love you,

so you'll forgive us for it, okay?

And you should do the same for Leslie

'cause she's one of us now.

Dude, what did you put in that lemon drop?

I'm flying.

Ohh, you know what, Devon?

I actually... I don't care

that you're beating me
in "Gears of War," okay?

You're 14, and I've had sex before, so...

Oh, uh, yeah, the door's open.


Cool headset, man.

Bet that thing comes in handy

when you call those 24-hour sex chats.

Keep your hands free. Am I right?

I don't know. I've never
called one of those.

Yeah, me neither.

Let's cut to the chase, okay?

No matter what you say,
I'm not gonna feel bad,

- because I didn't...
- Because you didn't do anything.

Yeah, I know. You're not doing anything.

That is the problem, mate.

Justin is crushed about this Nicki thing,

but he's... he's out there,

and he's trying to help

your sister and Shelly patch things up.

Now, I think that's what a good
friend really is, don't you?

Putting your own feelings aside

and do whatever it
takes to help your mates.

Is there any more ice-cream cake?

Closing up.

You here to throw Nicki on
the back of your motorcycle?

No, Nicki just left.

I came by because your
boy Brett came by the house

and, uh, told me to come help you.

Oh, did he?

You know what I realized?
You can't be helped.

The only way for you to have sex with Nicki

would be if I were to knock you out

and then hang you on the ceiling
with a rope-and-pulley system

and physically raise and
lower you onto her body.

Get out of my bar, Danny.

No, I'm not gonna get out of your bar

because you need to hear this, all right?

You're terrified to put yourself out there,

and you know what? That makes you a coward.

- I am not a coward.
- Oh, really?

Well, then what makes her so special?

I'm not playing this game with you.

If you can't tell me
what makes her so special,

then how are you gonna tell her?


I would tell her that
she's... an amazing waitress.

Wow. Great opener, man.

Okay, what I mean is, when
I walk in here and I see her,

it makes me not regret opening this bar.

Like, if I lost everything,
at least I found her.

That's a little better, baby bird,

but, uh, you're still not opening up.

Come on. I'm her. Tell me. Open your heart.

Get me out of these jeans.


You know what I'd tell her?

I'd tell her that if she
wants to roll around in the hay

with some party boy, then
go ahead, but that's not me.

But if she wants to be with somebody

that actually knows her
and will listen to her

and help her with all her
problems, then I'm her guy.

Then I would tell her that she's
the first person I want to see

when I wake up in the morning

and the last person I want
to talk to when I go to bed,

and then I would admit that I stole that

from "When Harry met Sally... "

But most of all, I would tell her

that the only reason

that I never made a move in the beginning

was because I didn't know if
I could take it if she said no.

You can hear everything from your office.


You're welcome.

I am a God!

Thank you for taking me to dinner.

Well, thank you for pressing
your ass against my windshield.

And I must admit,

I learned all the words to "Night moves."

Come on, then. Let's hear it.

* Workin' on our night moves *

Oh. That was sweet.


Actually, it's a little higher than that.

* Workin' on our night moves *

* tryin' to lose those
awkward teenage blues *

* Workin' on our night moves *

* And it was summertime *

Time, time, time, time-ooooh!

Oh god, what have I done!