Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - Pants Buddies - full transcript

What should we do for our anniversary?

Oh, come on, Danny. We should celebrate.

We've lived together for a week now.

I can't. I have a date. Oh, uh, I forgot.

A date is when a guy takes
a girl out to a movie,

and then they both wind
up in the shower together.

That's where they decide on a safe word.

Mine is, "who are all these people?"

You know, I feel sorry for you.

You know, just night after
night of meaningless sex.

I mean, who wants that?



I'd kill a man for that.

Oh. Uh-oh.

Oh. Oh!

[Chuckles] Why does this
always happen to us?

I don't know. It's crazy. You know,

I feel like we should just
dance for real, you know?

[Chuckles] Oh!

Oh! Oh!

[Chuckles] Oh!

Ah, get back to work. Okay.

Okay. Ah.

[Inhales deeply]

Do you want my help with Nicki?

Because what you're doing is not working.



What is it that I'm "doing"?

Oh, you know, that thing that you just did

where you intentionally
tried to get in her way

and then did the Harlem shake.

Okay. You can't do that intentionally.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Go for it.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

"Undateable," the
president's favorite show.

No, it isn't. It doesn't matter.

Once you say something on TV, it's true.

♪ Tell me why

♪ ain't nothin' but a heartache ♪

♪ Tell me why

♪ ain't nothin' but a mistake ♪

♪ Tell me why I never
wanna hear you say ♪

♪ I want it that...

High note.

♪ ...way-y-y-y-y

♪ Oh, oh, oh

So, for this to work,

there's got to be some rules, okay?

No wearing tap shoes in the house.

They're cycling shoes, Danny.

You'll know when I'm wearing my tap shoes.

Morning, Daniel.

Where do you keep your teakettle?

Uh, in the bottom cabinet.

What is Shelly doing at
my house at 8:15 A.M.?

Oh, we have, uh, coffee every Saturday.

You know, me and the crew...

We get together, talk about life.

It's your average brew and stew, man.

Oh, yeah. I remember my mom used to do that

with her friends to try
and cope with menopause.

We brought doughnuts.

Did you give Bursk a key?

He gave us all keys, mate.

Shelly, tea bag me.

D-does that mean something
different here, or... ?

Uh, listen, there's a
very attractive young lady

in my bedroom right now.

She's about to leave.

Okay, I want all you guys
to take a look at each other

long and hard.

Go ahead. Do it. I'll wait.

Okay, so, for her, this is
the worst possible scenario.

You think that maybe, for 10 seconds,

you could just play it
cool while she heads out?

Danny, I just sang the
most vocally challenging

Backstreet Boys song

without hitting one flat note.

I think I know how to play it cool.

Oh, hey. Um, I'll... I'll walk you out.

[clears throat]

Bye.

Nobody's judging you.

What?

Uh, what I'm... I'm saying is,

you seem very nice, you know?

And everybody makes mistakes, you know?

Not that I'm saying
this is a mistake, okay?

I mean, this is a
choice. You made a choice.

I don't even know why they
call it the walk of shame.

They should just call
it the walk of choices.

Speaking of choices, I am
gonna make some breakfast.

How about an egg sandwich?

An egg sandwich sounds great.

Okay.

Um, can I borrow some sweats?

Yeah.

Sure. Yeah, I... that's awesome.

I can't wait for you to actually
try Justin's, uh, egg sandwich

or whatever it is because
it's really good the way he...

Hey, man. Why did you do that?

I told you to keep it cool.

Danny, there is nothing
cooler than hospitality.

Maybe we should all just leave.

But I just started the tea.

Take the kettle as a gift, Shell.

What a lovely start to my day.

All right, guys. Come on.

Hand over the keys that Justin gave you.

But I made a necklace out of mine.

Shelly, you just attached a
piece of string to the key.

I never said I worked hard on it.

All right, hey. Come on, champ.

Sit down. I should have mentioned this,

but, uh, personal boundaries

is somewhat of a-a monster issue for me.

Why are you smiling?

I'm just loving how uncomfortable you are

with our first
heart-to-heart.

All right, see, this is
exactly the touchy-feely stuff

that, uh, kind of makes
my teeth hurt, okay?

Danny, I thought we were going to lunch.

Has your brother always
been this closed off?

Oh, so closed off. Watch this.

Baby bro, I love you so much.

Ooh, ooh!

Stop it, Les!

Look, this is just not me, okay?

Frankly, I've always
considered my personal space

as somewhat of a

no-cry zone.
- No-cry zone.

Yeah, and if he wants it a no-cry zone,

never put on "Toy Story 3."

Well, when those toys are all
holding each others' hands,

and they're headed down
towards the incinerator, I...

No, no, no.

No, no.

You know, some advice...
when dealing with women,

I think that it's probably
best to play to your strengths,

so, in your case, never, ever speak.

What's going on?

Apparently, a really hot chick

just moved into Burski's
apartment building.

It is not her lucky day.

Oh, okay, but if I don't speak,

how am I gonna bury this
beak into those sweet cans?

All right, look.

First of all, that's
not how human sex works.

Second of all, have you ever
seen "The Little Mermaid"?

That mermaid was able to make a nice prince

fall in love with her
without actually ever talking.

She's also friends with
a small Jamaican crab.

So, uh, why don't you try this, okay?

Stare at Nicki, and don't say a word.

Oh, my God! I like him so much better!

See? There you go.

So, next time you run
into your hot neighbor,

do something nice for
her, but just don't talk.

I'm going to "Little Mermaid"
all over this chick so hard.

Okay, I'm going to the bank. I'll be back.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

This is not how I imagined my
first dance with another guy.

You know what? Just get off me.

Whoops. Uh-oh.

Hey. Whoa, oh, oh.

We'll... we'll just
crisscross. Mixing it up.

Sweetie, are you... are you okay?

Are you having a little stroke, or... ?

No.

I-I got a-a fine
line... a force...

All right, well, I'm
obviously going in there.

Just say what you're gonna say.

Okay, so, you just
sprinted out of your office,

got stuck in a real "which-way dance"...

shoved your friend aside

so you could manufacture
a fake "which-way dance"...

with a girl who was not moving.

You know what? I'm sick of this.

What are you doing?

I am texting Nicki

from your phone asking her to a movie.

No. Don't...

Done. Happy anniversary, baby bird.

I can't believe you asked Nicki out for me!

What are... oh, God.

Oh, God. I'm seeing tunnels.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

A great man once said:

"Conquering your fear sometimes
is what makes you a man."

That man was me. I-I just said that.

You know what? You're right.

You don't think I could go to
a movie? I could go to a movie.

That's what I'm talking about.

All right. Here we go.

I got to get out of this.

Oh, Justin, I just got your text.

But you didn't 'cause, uh,
that text wasn't meant for you.

Just give it back.

Um...

Actually, that text was meant
for another friend of mine

named Nicki... "Nick,"
not "Nicki," you know?

I mean, it just autocorrected.

You know, must have removed the "i."

Uh, well, I never heard you mention Nick.

What's Nick like?

Nothing. He's like nothing.

It's weird to me that, uh,

you never introduced your
friend to your other friends.

Yeah, what's up with that, man?

Is there... there something wrong with us?

Calm down, okay? This is not
that big a deal, right, Shell?

Oh, betrayal is a very big deal.

I think I saw you with
Nick last week, right?

He's got the broad
shoulders, super handsome,

like the kind of guy I'd
let build me a log cabin

just so we could ruin a bear rug together.

No, that's the beer distributor,
and he's never coming back.

Uh, no.

Nick is a different guy.

Who's Nick?

Some handsome bloke
Justin knows, apparently.

Oh, is he single? Does he like kids?

He hates kids and he's really old

and he can't even see, so...

Huh. Why would you invite a
blind guy to go see a movie?

He just loves... sounds.

Well, when do we get to meet Nick?

We've discussed it, and, uh, unfortunately,

Nick happens to be an alcoholic. Aww.

So he doesn't come to bars.

A child-hating, blind alcoholic?

That's a lot of demons for one man.

I can change him.

It's still so weird to me
because in the text, you said,

"let's leave from the bar around 9:00."

So, I guess we can expect old,
blind Nick here around 9:00.

I guess we can, Danny.

I'll just text Nick back
to make sure he can make it.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

How's he gonna see the phone?

Thanks.

I, uh, just moved into the building.

Do you live here?

Um, do you mind getting off on my floor

and carrying that to my apartment?

What's your name?

So, what you're telling me

is that, in your entire retirement home,

there isn't a single
85-year-old blind guy

that I could just rent out for the night?

Okay, Carol, what if I keep him?

Well, may... all right. Just gonna hang up.

We'll see if I retire there.

This is all your fault.

Look, every time I give you an amazing idea

on how to get Nicki, you
shoot it down like skeet.

"Hey, take her to a movie."

Pull!

"Stop singing so much." Pull!

"Definitely stop dressing
like a hip minister."

Pull!

You have to stop acting like some God

who just swoops in and solves
everybody's romantic problems.

Okay, so, Danny, you're the best, bro.

I just "Little Mermaided" that
chick so hard, and guess what.

I got my first date in months.

Truth check.

Years.

All right.

We're gonna go grab
some pizza to celebrate.

Thank you, Danny. You're the best.

I even got Burski some action.

Let me give you some
advice, baby bird, okay?

Okay, stop calling me "baby bird," okay?

I don't need your advice.

Why are you being so stubborn?

I'm not being stubborn, okay?

- You're being annoying.
- Just let me help you.

Look, I don't need your help.

I'm not some loser who can't
figure it out on his own, okay?

I'm not like them.

We realized it was rude
not to invite you for pizza.

Seems less rude now.

Oh my God! Look.

Hey, man, you better yet?

Of course I'm not better
yet. It was two minutes ago.

God, I can't believe I
just did that to my friends.

Your friends will understand.

But it's different,
okay? We're pants buddies.

What in God's name are pants buddies?

Right after college, I drove
Bursk to this job interview,

and he spilled coffee all
over his pants in the car,

so I gave him my pants, and he got the job.

Ever since, we've always just
called each other pants buddies.

It just means that we always
have each others' backs.

I can't believe this happened
'cause of some dumb text.

I got to ask you, man.

Why wouldn't you just wait and
see if Nicki were to say yes?

I don't know.

What is wrong with me?

I guess it doesn't help

that I've never been good at taking leaps.

And the only time I ever did,

I opened that bar that
I can barely keep afloat.

I guess it started when
I was a kid, you know?

My father left when I was pretty young.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, I'm just trying to let you know

what's going on with me as a friend.

Yeah, and that's why you have
the underpants gang, okay?

Look, I get it.

You like to dive down deep
and swim way below the surface.

"Hey, is that a shipwreck?

"Oh, no, that's an hour-long conversation

about what love really is."

But me, bro... I'm just chilling
way up here on the surface,

just kind of doing some tubing and whatnot.

"Hey, is that a hot girl in a bikini?

"I wonder what her story is.

She doesn't have one. That's
just a girl in a bikini."

What is your deal, man?

I mean, what happened to you?

I mean, when you were
younger, did you, like...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look, man, get out of
my business, baby bird.

Get out of your business?

You are sending text
messages from my phone.

You couldn't be more in my business

if you crawled up my butt
and started selling hats.

I mean, can't you just
be real for one second?

Look, man, sorry.

I just... you know,

I'm never gonna be the friend
you want me to be, all right?

And it's because, a long time
ago, when I was younger...

The doctors always told me that...

I had a penis.

Great.

Hey.

Look, I am so sorry, okay?

I-I didn't mean what I said, all right?

Especially 'cause I knew it was a lie

the second it came out of my mouth.

Are... are you talking to me?

Oh, he's talking to us.

He just can't make eye
contact because of the shame.

Look, there is nothing more important to me

than this friendship.

Yeah, it's cool, man. We
know you didn't mean it.

Yeah, everybody makes mistakes, buddy.

Yeah, don't sweat it, bro.

I mean, we've all said a lot about you

behind your back, so...
- Thanks, guys.

What kind of stuff?

Just, you know, mainly stuff about your...

your physical appearance.

Your lady hips, your button
nose, your lego-man hair.

Okay, I think that's enough.

So, where's Danny?

I don't know. I mean, who cares?

You know, he's just my roommate.

What did the idiot do now?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey, you know that like
90% of our conversations

start that same way?

Justin was just reaching out to you,

and you totally blew him off.

Yeah, okay. I just...
I don't... you just what?

You just like being on the surface?

Tubing with some girl in a bikini?

You know, I really like Justin.

I like all of those guys,

and I have never once liked
any of your stupid friends.

Les, I like Justin.

You know, he's a cool guy.

He's just... he's a little too much

of an emo sensitive type for me.

I'm like that, too,

so I guess that means I'm also a giant wuss

because I like to be close
to the people I care about.

Thanks for understanding.

Danny, I really thought
that you would outgrow this.

You know, just floating through life

without making any real connections.

And I know you think that's cool,

but I got to tell you, Danny

It's the worst thing about you.

Oh, you know what? You can
take off. I'll close up.

Okay. I'll go get my stuff.

Or you could stay, and
we could have a drink.

Justin, what are you
doing? Like, this is...

I'm just doing exactly

what you've been wanting
me to do for the last year.

I'm being bad.

Okay, I'm, like, spinning.

This is crazy. Like, can we...

I'll do it. Okay. I'll do
a drink. Let's do a drink.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

So why don't you sit your cute butt down

while daddy pours us a
couple cranberry vodkas?

Yeah, I would pay to
watch this forever, man.

What do you want?

Hey, look.

All right, hey, I, um...

I wanted to tell you that I
know it's not gonna be overnight,

but I want to start to open up.

Danny, it's fine. Don't sweat it.

No, look. I'm serious, man.

I mean, look, I don't
know how this stuff works.

What, do we grab a booth

and talk about each others' feelings?

Stop making fun of me, please.

I'm not making fun of you, man.

Okay, good night, Danny.

What...

Why?

Because now I can give you my pants,

and you'll believe me.

How could you not understand

that "pants buddies" is a metaphor?

No, just here... take these, okay?

Take my pants, and...

No, I'm not gonna take...

What happened?

No, it's not a big deal.

We were just kind of
trading each others' pants.

We're not trading pants.

Yeah, "no" means "no."

Look, you, um... you put the
idea of a movie in my head,

so I was gonna go catch a late show.

Do you want to come?

Yeah, no, um, well, you know what?

There's still a few people
here, so I got to clean up.

- Right.
- Mm.

Yeah. Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

Yep.

What are you doing?

Hey, Nicki, hold on one second, all right?

Look, man, Don't worry about it, okay?

I'll watch the bar.

Just go to the movies with her.

Are you sure?

Please, let me do this for you.

Okay, give me your pants.

No, I don't want to do that anymore.

Go. Have fun.

Thanks, man.

I'm gonna see a movie.

Uh, hey. Don't worry. I
got your back, all right?

All right, everybody out! We're closing up.

Sometimes, I think I'll
never get the courage

to ask a guy out, you know?

But then I-I was driving the other day,

and I saw this really good-looking guy.

It was, um... it was a
black guy with blue eyes.

It's like a magic trick.

Thanks for listening to me drone on, man.

I really appreciate it.

Are you "mermaiding" me?

Yeah, I wanted to see if
it worked on gay dudes.

You know, it absolutely did.

You know, usually, I don't
find you remotely attractive,

but just there, I was like,
"what's this guy's story?"