Undateable (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Switch - full transcript

Danny discovers that he's "in like" with a girl, Sabrina (recurring guest star EVA AMURRI MARTINO - Californication), for the first time. To guide Danny, Justin - having had success with Nicki (recurring guest star BRIGA HEELAN) - turns cocky and tries to give him advice on how to act. Meanwhile, Brett and the gang mess with Justin so he becomes more comfortable with Brett's sexuality.

The past few days have been amazing.

I know. This is the most fun I ever had,

and I went to space camp.


You guys, uh, I'm still here.

Uh, oh, by the way,

you're doing it wrong.

When a man and a woman have sex,

uh, the man's never supposed
to say, "don't drop me."

Things got a little crazy
last night, all right?

I hope we didn't keep you up.

Baby bird, it wasn't the pasty-white sex

that was keeping me up.

You know what it was?

The two of you singing
Destiny's Child songs.


Oh, Danny. Mm.

- Those two things happened simultaneously.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm sure that was the only thing

that you two did simultaneously.


Aw, it sucks that I have to
go to my parents' this weekend.

I am going to miss that flat little butt.



I feel sorry for that poor girl.

I have no idea how she's
gonna last a whole weekend

without her medicine.

Oh, oh, oh. You've been drugging her.

That's what... that's how...

If you're gonna get uncomfortable

every time that me and
Nicki do some foreplay...

and, yes, I will have
her again this morning...


Then I'm gonna make you more uncomfortable.

You know what? I don't
think that's possible

unless you two waited till I fell asleep

and you had sex on top of me.

Hmm. So, you don't think I could
make you more uncomfortable?

- Mnh-mnh.
- Okay.

You mean even if I re-created
what happened last night?

Don't joke around like that.

♪ Say my name, say my name ♪

♪ When no one is around you,
say, "baby, I love you" ♪

♪ Then I take her bra ♪

♪ Say my name, say my name ♪

And then I get on top.

♪ Say my name, say my name ♪

Then I put my hands over my head.

And then I was done.

Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Justin: Okay. We are going.

♪ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

All right, now. That was me singing.

What do you think about that?

It was horrifying.

Hey, Shelly, uh, did you
ever talk to that guy about...

Whoa! Rewind.

[Speaking backwards]

Hey, uh, and you might be...

You must be Danny.

Your sister said you talk

like you're in a Matthew McConaughey movie.

[As Matthew McConaughey]
All right, all right.

Sabrina and I went to college together,

and then she moved to Paris.


Sabrina's also got a great
rack, but if you tell her that,

she makes you sit way over here.

I am at the University of Michigan

getting my PhD in French
literature. [Chuckles]

Then she's gonna use that
degree to get a job nowhere.

Sabrina, if you like French stuff,

then did you know they
call it a French tickler...

- Back in the corner.
- Yeah.

I, too, have a deep love
for French literature.

I actually did my senior
thesis on Victor Hugo.

Wow, this is already a really,
really, really boring story.

Uh, I can't save myself, but if you'd like,

I could rip your heart
out and show it to you

so you can end up dying quickly.

My professor was actually,
um, French Canadian,

and it was, uh...
- Do it.

[Makes ripping noise]

- [Imitates heartbeat]
- [Gasps]

Leslie, you can let your friend know

that my girlfriend is way hotter than her.

Well, it was great to meet you,

and I will see you later, Les.

Sister, may I have her?

- You always do this!
- [Laughs]

You always hook up with my friends.

Someone better call Steve Harvey.

We got ourselves a "family feud."

Look, if you want me to stop
having sex with your friends,

then I don't know... Just,
like... don't have any friends.

They think you're so great at first,

and then they get Danny'd.

Is getting Danny'd when
a hot stud bangs you?

'Cause if it is...
- Corner!

Damn it!

Getting Danny'd is when
he sleeps with them once

and blows them off, and then
I'm left cleaning up the mess.

I don't think you're gonna have
to worry about Danny and Sabrina.

Sabrina is a smart and
sophisticated, classy woman.

Whoa, oh, no, no. Wait.

Are you suggesting that
she's out of my league?

Because that is not possible unless...

Wait a minute. Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on one second.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Oh, oh, oh, God.

Oh, God, this is... I was...
I've been worrying about this.

No, I'm still me. Thank God.

Yeah, that's, uh... so she's
not out of my league, bro.

Look, Danny, if you
want some advice from...

Danny: Wait. Hold on. Are... are...

you really think that you can give
me advice? Oh, wait. Oh, I'm sorry.

I totally messed up the
emphasis on that sentence.

Let me try it again.

You think that you can give me advice?

I'm obviously crushing
it in my own relationship.

Nicki and I even hooked up this morning.

I got your text.


Brett, is that jacket

so people from outer
space can tell you're gay?


Hey, does the jacket possibly
come with figure skates

and a boyfriend? Ohhhh!

All right, guys, let's
just give him a break, okay?

It's... it's cool, man.

They're just taking the piss out of me.

We all do it to each other.

Well, yeah, no, go ahead.

If you guys want to go ahead
and make gay jokes, go ahead.

Look, I get it. You've always
been a little bit uptight,

and I only came out a couple months ago,

so you just... it's gonna take you awhile

to get used to me as a gay man.

I've known you as a gay man since college.

Freshman year, you went to
Halloween as Britney Spears.

And then in sophomore year.
"Oops, I did it again."

I'm... I'm just saying, before I came out,

you always used to give me
crap, and now you're just...

you're so careful.

I'm not acting any differently.

Prove it. Make fun of
me. Give me a nickname.

I'm gay and I'm British. It should be easy.

I can't just come up with a
nickname on the spot like that.

Fairy Potter.

Written by Gay Gay rowling.

See? That's friendship.

Are we done?

No. No, no.

Daniel Gay Lewis.

Austin Powerbottom.

Alfred Hitchcock... that's
just his name, but that's good.


Hey, what in God's name is this?

That's "Nicki-bear."

Nicki left it so I could
sleep with it in my bed.

Good night, Danny. Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

Look, before you go make
sweet love to that bear...

I'm not gonna make love to it, okay?

I'll probably spoon... I'm not
gonna do anything to the bear.

This is about Sabrina. I just...

have you ever met a girl

that you just think is like so amazing,

but you just feel like
you can never have her?

Dude, I've felt that way all the time.

- You just need...
- Me neither.

Hey, Justin.

Hyah! Hyah!



Hey, man. You know, it's so adorable

that you thought you
could teach me about women.

Hey, you know what? Could
you teach me how to walk, too?

Get off!

Hey, Shelly, you need help being black?


It's complicated.

I told you not to hook up with my friends!

Geez! All right, I'm sorry.

Hey, look, it's not my fault
anyway, okay? She called me.

By the way, I didn't even know

that coffee places were open at midnight.

Are those so weirdos
can have a place to go to

when they can't sleep?
- Yes.

I also enjoy the laundromat.

Wait a minute. You guys didn't
get together till midnight?

What time did Sabrina call you?

I don't know. Like 10:00.

And you just dropped
whatever you were doing?

I mean, I brushed my teeth first.

Dude, that is so clutch!

You got to get clean to get dirty!


You know what else is weird is,

I got up this morning, and
Sabrina was already gone.

She had to leave early 'cause
she had to go see her sister.

She doesn't have a sister.

Okay, well, whatever. I
mean, maybe she was talking

about her black friend. Whatever. I...

I'm gonna see Sabrina again, okay?

- I even texted her.
- Really? What did she say?

We're gonna hang out soon,
when her... her life calms down.

- [Laughs]
- What?

I taught her that line.

I'm gonna let Les say this,

because it's gonna give
her so much more joy.


[Breathes deeply]

[Singsong voice] You got Danny'd.


Hello, Nicki-bear.


[Sniffs] Mmm! You smell good today.

What is that smell? Ahh!

That's reciprocated love.

You know what? When you act cocky,

it's kind of like when Tyler
Perry acts without a dress on.

People don't like it.

I'm just messing with you, man.

Are you watching "Pretty Woman"?

You know, it's funny because, when
I was hanging out with Sabrina,

she was saying that she
loves romantic comedies, so...



You like her.


Yeah, you're in "like" with her.

Danny Burton is never in
"like" with anyone, okay?

Occasionally, he's in "lust," okay?

And then eventually he's "asleep."

Okay, no, just go with me
here for a second, okay?

Danny, you like her!
Don't be afraid of that.

It's great to be in like.

I've been in like my whole life.

Hey, look, okay? No, I am not like you.


But when you're watching
"Pretty Woman," do you...

imagine Sabrina and I
as the main characters,

Both: And then we went shopping
in Beverly Hills together

and met Hector Elizondo?!

- No! What's happening to me?!
- [Laughs]

You're opening up!
You're showing your heart!

This is great! Look, watch this.

Watch when I press Nicki-bear's necklace.

Nicki: Hey, Justin, I miss you.


Aah! What was that noise I made?!

Am I dying?!

No, you're finally living.
Look, you like Sabrina.

Let me help you. Hey, listen, okay?

This is the first time
you've had a relationship

that was sexual with a girl
that even knew about it,

so you cannot give me advice!

Oh, listen, mate. Um...

Look, since you're not gonna
do the whole gay-joke thing,

uh, I've come up with a few ideas

so you can prove to me that
you're not uptight, okay?

So, we could go underwear
shopping together.

We do that all the time.

We... we... we... we...

We could learn the dance to
"Single ladies" by Beyoncé.

Um... Oh! We could take a bubble bath.

Anything but the bath, I'll do.

Okay, that's the one it
is, then... bubble bath.

No, I'm not doing that.

Come on, bro. I would take a bath
with this dude in a heartbeat.

I wouldn't even care
if he went periscope up.

What does that even mean?

It's a boner.


[Sighs dramatically] How are you, Sabrina?

I'm glad you could make it down here.

We thought we'd just talk
about what a great guy Danny is.

Danny frustrates the hell out of me,

but he is the sweetest person I know.

In what world... hmm... would
you go out with Danny again?

Look, Danny is fun.

But when it comes to
actually dating somebody,

I prefer... adults?

One date, and I'll let you drink
at this bar free for a month.

You guys are trying to
stick up for your friend,

and I find that oddly sweet,

but I don't trade dates
for free booze. [Chuckles]

Well, I was only talking
about beer and wine.

Let's not get crazy.

Look, just give him a chance.

Give him a chance. Give him a chance.

Give him a chance.

Look, I'm gonna have to say no.

- Say no to what?
- Drugs.

Say no to drugs. Thank God.

Look, we just found out

Sabrina's got a bit of a problem.

I don't want to get into the scary details,

but it rhymes with "Bristol Neth."

Please tell me that you guys

didn't all just ask her to
go out on a pity date with me.

What? No!


I mean, pretty silly.

Look at Brett. He's crying.

Nobody would do that.

Right, Sabrina?

Yeah, I'm not a big fan of lying.

That really pisses me off.

So, I'm gonna take off.

Yeah, I got to do the... pretzels.

Everyone sit their sweet asses down!

No one's leaving till I
figure out whose idea this was.

Hmm? Les? Was it you? My sister?

Because those scars don't heal, Les.

Answer me!

Was it you, my friend?

Friend? I'm a friend. [Chuckles]

Yeah. And I immediately regret it.

What about you, Brett, huh?

Nah, you'd never throw me under the bus,

or as they say in London,

[British accent] A double-decker bus.

We just... we just call it bus.

What about my sweet Shelly, huh?

Did those fine chocolate-brown
eyes finally betray me, huh?


Danny, no, please!

Who was responsible for
this blatant disrespect?!

That's a lot of clapping.

Oh, really? Is it, Justin?

Is it a lot of clapping, Justin? Really?

I want everyone here to do me a favor

and dramatically walk away from Justin.

I was just trying to help, okay?

That's... I'll do anything
to be a good friend.

Except take a bath with me.

You are very close to my face right now.

[Sniffs] Hey, what's that I smell, huh?

What's that I smell? Is that fear?

[Sniffing] Is that vengeance?

Is that that special cologne I
told you never to use of mine?

I just did one spritz.

I told you you're supposed to
spray it in front of yourself

and then walk into it.
- Well, then, I'm sorry.

Well, guess what. It's too late
now 'cause payback's coming.

You're spitting all over me.


That was the scariest eskimo kiss ever.



- [Light switch clicks]
- Danny: Hey.

Nicki-bear had an accident.

You sick son of a bitch.

Who spends this much time
doing this to a Teddy bear?

Dude, I was just trying
to help you with Sabrina.

I don't need help with Sabrina.

In a week, I'm gonna forget
what her face even looks like.

That's impossible, okay?

I have a picture in my head

of every girl I've ever had sex with.

Great, that means you
have a picture of Nicki

and your cousin's bra.

I told you not to ever give me advice.

You give me advice all the time.

Are you that ridiculously proud

that you can't take some from me?

It's just... it's never
gonna happen with this girl.

What are you talking about?

Sabrina is just much different

than all the other girls
I've hooked up with.

You know, she's smart, she's classy,

she's ambitious, she knows French.

I only know fake French.
[Babbling with French accent]

You know?

I just...

[Sighs] You were right.

She's out of my league, all right?

You stop it, okay?

That is not the guy that I know!

The guy that I know has
completely unearned confidence!

You're right. I've had it since I was six.

That's when I first realized
I was better than everybody.

And you've got to hold on to that delusion.

Don't give up.

[Sighs] You know what?

I just... I can't do it, man.

I'm just upset because she's
obviously going somewhere,

and I'm 30, and I'm not.

- [Knock on door]
- Yeah?

Do you have a minute?

Yeah. Why is your hair all wet?

Our hair is wet because I
just spent my lunch break

taking a bath with my closer friends.

- [Water splashing]
- Ohh! Guys, stop!

You did not.

Oh, yes, we did.

We went back to back.

Like a movie poster about buddy cops.

What are you doing here?
Why do you look nervous?

Uh, because I-I called Leslie,

and I told her to have
Sabrina meet her here.

You changed your mind. I'm so proud of you.


Dude, what am I gonna say?
I don't know what to do.

Look, there's one move that
I've used my entire life, okay?

Be vulnerable.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Go.

[Breathes deeply]

Hey, Sabrina, um...

Leslie's not coming. I had
her lie to get you here.

Look, I know that the other night

was just a booty call for you,

and I want you to know

that I think that we had a connection.

I've always been like
a really confident guy,

and, yeah, okay, fine,
it's because I'm amazing,

but, you know, it's... it's also
because I date girls, not women.

And [sighs] and when I say "date,"

I mean I hung out with them once

and I never talked to them again.

So, I think the problem is,

is that when there is a girl
that I want to see twice,

uh, that's the kind of woman

that doesn't want to ever see me again,

and, look, what I'm trying to say is,

you're the kind of woman
that I want to see twice.

Going vulnerable's a good move.

Yeah, it is!


How does Thursday night sound?

Yeah, Thur... uh, Thursday
night sounds great.

[Chuckling] Okay.

No fake French.


[French accent] Ah, but of course.

[Both laugh]

You're welcome, baby bird.

Oh, hey, uh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no.

[Chuckling] Okay, uh, hey, hey, hey.

You cannot call me "baby bird."

There is no way that I'm taking that

from a guy who looks like a guy

who would sell massage
chairs at Brookstone.

Well, you look like one
of those street thugs

that Spiderman catches.

All right, well, you look, uh,

like one of those animatronic
men from "It's a small world."

Yeah, well, you look like a guy

who watched one episode
of "Game of Thrones"

and decided to start
doing his hair that way.

Okay, you know what? Stop right there.

I just...

Thank you for pushing me out there,

and I really appreciate it.

It was a big deal,

especially coming from a guy

who looks like a
Southwest flight attendant.

Thank you.

And that's nice to hear

from a guy who looks like
Jesus if he lived in Seattle.

I'll take that.


This means a lot, mate.

Whatever it takes to show
you how comfortable I am.

Water's nice, eh? [Blows]

This is a nightmare.

So, how long did the other
guys stay in the bath with you?

Ah, no, no, no, no, no. No
one else took a bath with me.

We just thought we'd... we
thought we'd mess with you.

Oh, well-played, Sir
Man-thony Hopkins.

Eh, c-plus.

It's a good start, though, mate.