Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Kimmy Goes to a Party! - full transcript

Jacqueline asks Kimmy to help her plan a dinner party where Jacqueline can confirm if her husband, Julian, is cheating on her.

Titus, what are we doing here?

This place is way too fancy.

Look at how tiny the cups are.

Kimmillionaire, you said
you wanted to do something

fun and New York-y before
your boss got back into town.

Well, since The Queen Latifah Show

has a lifetime audience
ban on me, we're doing this.

But it's so expensive.

A "noise-etty ma-shee-at-o"
is 12 "doe-lairz"?

It's not about the money.

If I've learned anything from
living in this city, it's this:

act like you belong, and
the world is your oyster.

Aw, gross.

Can't the world be my noodles and butter?

They're on their way over.

Just follow my lead.


I'm sorry.

The tables are for paying
customers only, so...

Lumiere. Belle.

Frère Jacques, frère
Jacques, dormez-vous?

- Gaston.
- I'm so sorry.

Take all the time you need.

Sir, madam.

Ooh, "madam."

You stay here.

I'm gonna fill this up
with fancy liquid soap.


Put Walt Disney's head on the phone.

Then wake it up.

Julian Rommel Voorhees.


What are you doing in Beijing?

I've been here for two weeks

waiting for you to get back from

wherever you got that tan.

My tan?

I was out on an investor's boat
doing some whale dynamiting.

Did you fly 7,000 miles just to accost me?

Hey. Eyes up here.

You don't get these feet.

You're withholding the twins?

Feet are for good boys,
not for liars and cheaters.

Oh, for God's sake.

Is that what this is about?

You think I'm having an affair?

You've done it before.

With you.

And that was different.

My first wife...

Turned 50. I know.

And I would never do that to you.

So what's the problem, Jacqueline?

What's the problem?

You haven't been home in months.

I had to Photoshop you into
this year's Christmas card.

Well, I'm heading back to New York now,

but I apologize for working so hard.

I guess I could make less money.

You leave the money out of this.

It's not the money's fault.

And whom exactly am I supposed
to be having this affair with?

Am I sleeping with my
assistant, Fat Rhonda?

Of course not.

Hey, I get mine.

It's all about that bass.

You know what Dr. Goodman
would say to you right now?

That I need to talk to the Shame Puppet.

And what would the Shame Puppet say?

You're just being paranoid.

Walt, how you doing?

Hey, Kimmy. 1996 called.

It wants its clothes back.

Hey, Xan. 2090 called.

You're dead, and you
wasted your time on Earth.

Dad, you're back.

Did Grandma die? Can I have her jewelry?

No, Grootmoeder is fine. Now, come here.

You're not too big to give your father

a firm, business-like handshake.

You're looking well.

Always a pleasure.

Kimmy, the elevator.

Jacqueline, the refrigerator.

What are we doing?

Do you think I'm paranoid?

No, Vera does say stuff
about you behind your back.

Sometimes she does this
thing where she's all...

"Where's my husband?"

No, I'm talking about Julian.

Oh, right. What happened in China?

Was everything upside-down there?

Nothing happened.

He just denied everything.

I might as well have been Congress.

Maybe I am crazy.

No, Mrs. Voorhees, you
have to listen to your gut.

I don't have a gut, you mother...

No, no, I mean your women's intuition.

You know that something's wrong.

If he's not gonna admit
that he's having an affair...

I'll have to catch him red-handed.

His hands will be red 'cause...

That's okay. No, thank you.

My grandmother's birthday, January 2, 1934.


Great PIN, Titus.

Check balance.


Other amount.


Negative $1?

Damn it.

Julian took a call in his office.

I heard him laughing through the door.

I just wish I knew who he was talking to.

Maybe Gallagher?

Obviously listening in on
my husband's phone calls

would be crazy, which is
why I'm not going to do it.

Okay, he's either talking
to a very fancy child,

a man with a high-pitched
voice, or a normal woman.

Yuko, you can't keep me waiting that long.

You want to see Yuko tonight?

But where can we meet? The office?

No, no, no, no.

I want to do it at my house.

I'll host a dinner party as
a cover, and then afterwards,

Yuko can put on a little show for me.

I have been working on

some new tricks since Tokyo.

I think Yuko might be Italian.

Goodbye, Voorhees-san.

What are you doing? You have proof now.

Get up there and give him heck
for fudge's sake, gosh dang it!


I don't have anything, Kimmy,

except her name and where
I can catch them together...

tonight at our dinner party.


Murdery-pard... murd-murder mystery party.

I'll invite Julian's colleagues,

all of our very best friends.

I'll be the perfect hostess,

right until to the moment I humiliate him

in front of everyone.

Oh, snap, boy-ee!

Yo! MTV Raps.

"Coming up this half hour,

a new video from Naughty by Nature,

but first, this bumpin'
jam by Wreckx-n-Effect.

I'm Bill Bellamy. Peace!"

Call the caterers and the florist.

Arrange for music during cocktails.

Then go home and find something
special to wear for tonight.

Special like that t-shirt
I got at the mall opening?

They shot it out of a cannon.

And before dinner, I need
you to go to the drugstore...

and buy some talcum powder.

For what?

Is talcum powder part of your plan?

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, yes, it is.

It sure is.

Titus, do you know any
old white people songs?

Girl, I'm from Mississippi.

When the Confederate flag
is part of the state flag,

you learn Caucasian culture.

I also know a lot about
golf and World War II.

Well, I'm in charge of planning a party

for Jacqueline tonight,

which means I get to hire
the musical entertainment.

You want me to sing?

- For money?
- Yep.

Kimmy, I have sung for
alcohol and for pizza

and, more than once, to get my shoes back,

but I've never sung for money before.

I bet I can still fit into my tuxedo

from my weddin... dong, ding-dong,

Bells are fun to listen to.

They sure are.

But what am I gonna wear?

This party is super fancy.

And these pants we found
stuffed in the mailbox

say "fancy" on the butt!

I knew this day would come.

I must make you over.

It is the pact between my kind and yours,

and in exchange, you
buy us brunch sometimes.

You will be buying me brunch.

I feel like Cinderella.

And the birds and mice are helping!

What are you doing here?

Actually, Mrs. Voorhees
invited me to the party.

She didn't invite you.

You work for us.

So don't act like you belong here.

Uh, Xan says what?


Thought so.


Oh, good, you're here. Shut the doors.

Kimmy, you'll notice I've seated Julian

directly across from Yuko.

And have I mentioned to you
my husband's fondness for feet

and how he likes to...


With Yuko right across from him,

Julian won't be able to
resist a little toe play,

and that's where the
talcum powder comes in.

When we all sit down for dinner,

they'll have no idea
the powder is even there

when they go to town on each other.

And then after dinner, when they stand up

in front of everyone...

Mrs. Voorhees, you did it!

I won't even have to say a word.

What was that about my hair?

Now be a dear and get
me a glass of champagne.

I need to look casual.

Jeez, I feel like I'm on Bravo.

That channel still shows operas, right?

Why... me...

Well, look at you, all fancy.

Sir, would you bring my car around?

I don't think I can do this, Kimmy.

This is a real gig.

I don't have training like these guys.

And who's gonna come to this party?

Fancy Manhattanoes?

They're gonna realize that my cummerbund

is just a piece of automobile tire.


What did you say to me this morning?

If you want to get by in this city,

you just have to act
like you belong, right?

That is how I was briefly
Gordon on Sesame Street.


Champagne please. No ice.

Well, did it again.

Early to one of these things

'cause I keep my watch set to Bermuda time.

What's your excuse?

Oh, no, actually, I...

Your champagne, madam.

Actually, my assistant put
the wrong time in my PalmPilot.

I'm Logan, by the way.

As am I.

Kimberly. Charmed.


We're all alone

No chaperone can get our number

Julian, welcome back.

You look dark enough to be president.

Oh, Ashton.

You are a delight.

So did you two enjoy Hale Moekolohe?

The resort in Maui?

- We didn't...
- The pen.

Last time I saw one of
those was in an X-ray.

Well, it was, um...

it was supposed to be a
surprise, dear, but, yeah,

I was there a couple of
weeks ago to check it out.

I was thinking about
renting out the whole place

for our anniversary.

Me and my big, surgically enlarged mouth.

Oh, Julian.

I don't deserve you.

I just remembered, Ashton,
you only eat fish heads.

I should go tell the chef.

Kimmy, I'm adding a seat
for you at the table.

After Julian and Yuko are exposed,

I need someone to say "With her?

Over Jacqueline?"

Okay, got it.

- Julian?
- Ah, konnichiwa.


Okay, that line may change.

- Thank you for inviting me.
- Of course. This is Ashton.

Ooh. Thirsty, are we?

Let's misbehave

So how's Broadway treating you?

Oh, standing Os every night.

Because of my back.

But to answer your question,

we're packing them in, and
the reviews have been kind.

Let it go

Let it go

Can't hold back anymore

Mm, love your perfume. What is that?

Oh, It's Italian.

Would you excuse me, Logan?

I have to use the filth bucket...

the powder room.

Of course, yeah.

Titus, I'm Cinderella-ing.

And I'm A-Star-Is-Borns-ing.

There's a Broadway producer here.

I always thought my big break would be

from pushing Ben Vereen
down a flight of stairs,

but this is even better.


I've been watching you, Kimmy.

I know.

That's why I picked my nose earlier...

to gross you out.

Yeah, burnt.

I know what you're trying to do here.

Wearing clothes you clearly can't afford,

scamming your way into this party,

flirting with Logan Beekman?

I haven't even started to flirt, Xan.

Just wait till a little
fellow called Mr. Tongue

comes out to play.

You think I'm gonna let you use my family

to live out some little
gold digger fairy tale?

Wait, what?

I'm just having fun.

People like me and Logan Beekman,

we see right through people like you.

Enjoy your fun while you can,

'cause it's gonna end, I promise.

Hey, Xan?



I would like to propose a toast...

Stand up.


Ah, ridi, Pagliaccio

Sul tuo amore infranto

Ridi del duol

Che t'avvelena

Well, first, I would like to

thank you everybody for coming tonight...

It's not possible.

But I have a confession to make.

This dinner party was
actually a bit of a ruse

to get you all here tonight...

With her? Over Jacqueline?

As, uh, as many of you know,

my company, Rapier Private Equity,

is teaming up with the
brilliant Isaye Watanabe

to bring a technology to the market

that will change the face of health care,

the service industry, and
one day, I truly believe,


Ladies and gentlemen, raise a glass

to YUKO 3000.

Hello, my new friends.

My name is YUKO.

I can dance for you.

Your place card says "Yuko."

Why didn't you say anything?

Because your husband told me you are crazy.

I love all of you.

And then the man says, "Hello, ladies."

So, good news, right?

It's just a robot.

Yes. Just a robot.


Aw, look at that.

Look at that.

A Scotch, neat, for Mr...

A Scotch, neat, for Mr. Voorhees.

Well, thank you, YUKO.

Tell me, by any chance, are you single?

Just a robot.

That's what's been keeping
my husband away from me,

destroying my marriage, driving me insane.

Birds do it

Bees do it

Even educated fleas do it

Let's do it

Let's fall in love

YUKO is wonderful.

Why do robots keep getting
in the way of my dreams?

Even Japanese robots do it


Let's fall in love

Hey, there you are.

Just coming down the stairs,

as one does when descending is on the menu.

Look, my friends and I renovated

this 1950s sludge tank in Brooklyn,

turned it into a pretty cool grappa lounge.

Do you want to swing by with me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't.

Come on. This party's dead.

Come with me.

She can't, Logan.

'Cause she works here.

She's like our slave.

Hey, I'm Xan?

We rode in a golf cart at the
Maidstone when I was, like, eight?

You let me steer?

I'm... I'm Xan?


You work here?

So your grandfather didn't
invent the limousine.

And I'm guessing your last name

actually isn't Von Lobster.

Oh, my God, Logan.

Did you think she was a guest?

That's so funny.


Well, guess I should've known better.

I should get back to work.


Mr. Beeker.

I'm, like, a sophomore now.

Hello, Mrs. Voorhees.

You look very 43.75 years old.

Mr. Voorhees requested a late-night snack.

And he asked you?

Why wouldn't he ask his
wife to go wake up Vera?

Activating shrug mode.

I was like you once.

You were built by children?

I was shiny and pretty and new.

I made Julian laugh,

and he showed me off to all of his friends

and spent all of his time with me.

So take a good look,

'cause this is your future...

drinking cayenne weight loss water

while someone else cooks for your husband.

I am sorry.

Would you like to cook for Mr. Voorhees?

Although I am now accessing

a 2005 Hamptons Magazine article

in which you state, quote,
"I only cook in the bedroom."

You little bitch!

Oh, my God.

What have I done?

You did exactly what you had to do.

That thing was gonna ruin both our lives.

We cannot compete with it.

We have to get rid of the body.

That's deep enough.

Get her head.

What are you doing, friends?

I am still alive.

Shh, it's okay.

It's over.

The stars.

So beautiful.

Titus, I heard your lovely singing.

Never let go of your dream.

Fight for it.

It is not too late.

You having second thoughts, pal?

'Cause I got room in here for both of you.

Go... now.

What the living hell are you doing?

YUKO ran away!

Wait! Wait!

You can't leave.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Please, I'm an actor.

I just wanted to introduce myself.

You're the singer from the party.

You're scary.

You can sing.

You're perfect.

I've got just the role
for you at my restaurant.


I thought you were a Broadway producer.

I'm a producer of dining experiences.

"Professor Dracula's Spooky
Laboratory and Bar and Grill."

Is this like a theme restaurant?

It's not like a theme restaurant.

It is a theme restaurant.

Where our musical waiters bring to life

the world's most gruesome monsters

while serving tasty apps
and signature cocktails,

like monsterella sticks and scary wine.

So you want me to be a singing waiter.

Do I.

I'm singing on Broadway!

On Broadway!


Retrieving lost memory files.

I now understand anger.

Goodbye, Kimberly Tiara Von Lobster.

Good morning.

Mr. Beeker.

This is where I work.

This is what a kitchen looks like.

This is a stove.

This is a Kimmy's-a-dork.

Did Xan tell you that?

Dang it.

Also, Beeker's not my last name.

I'm not a Muppet scientist.

Bunsen Honeydew's the scientist.

Beaker's just his assistant.

Be that as it may,

you called me "Beeker" last night too,

and I realized...

you don't know who I am.

Not that you should. It's
just... most people do.

Larry Borchler.

Logan Beekman.

Beekman Park?

The Beekman Library?

The Beekman Institute for Art

That Actually Looks Like Something?

Right, if you weren't trying
to get close to my family,

why did you lie?

I was just trying to act like I belonged.

I don't know how to talk to a millionaire.

Wow, you really haven't heard of my family.

Beekman Place?

The Beekman Factory Fire?

Beekman's Disease?

I don't care who you are.


It's just a lot of people
try to take advantage of me

'cause of who my daddy is.

Look, I don't care who you are either.

I really don't.

And I don't care that you're working here.

So can we just start again?

Yes. Okay.

Initiating revenge program.

Dr. Goodman, thank you so much

for seeing us on such short notice.

I need help.

I keep dumping my insecurities on Julian.

She was acting like a
real first wife last night.

Yes, I was.

Well, I'm just glad you called, Jacqueline.

Because if you're going
to fight, fight right.

So let's get started.

Jacqueline, why don't you tell
the Shame Puppet what you did.

Where did you get that pen?

Oh, um...

at this resort I went to last week?

In Maui. Right.

You do look awfully tan.

Doesn't she, Julian?

I don't know.

I haven't, uh, looked at her yet.

I don't know what
brought you in here today,

but if it's about infidelity,

I would have to say, as your therapist,

to just be cool about it.

Damn it, Barbara.

Talk to the Shame Puppet, Julian.

She's not crazy, is she?

You stupid mother...