Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Kimmy Goes to School! - full transcript

Kimmy wants to get an education, so she goes back to school to get her G.E.D. Meanwhile, Titus pursues his dream of being a musical star with help from Lillian.

I'm so proud of you, Lil' Kim,

going back to school

like a little redheaded Rodney Dangerfield.

I can't wait. There's so
many things I don't know,

like what that is or those or that.

Bus, pants, car, Kimmy.

Oh, right. Bad examples.

I'm just so excited. I'm gonna get my GED.

I wish I had done that.

I did not enjoy my high school experience.

Oh, I bet it was tough for you.

Hey, man, great game. That
end zone dance was sick.

Yes, I love sports.

You're gonna take my virginity tonight.


Ugh. That crown I got from
being prom king was so tacky,

I hardly even wear it anymore.

Well, this is it.

I feel like a butterfly
bursting from its "crystalish"

and falling from the nest.

Yeah, you need this education.


Don't be embarrassed of your Titus.

What if the other uneducated adults see me?


I hope someday when
you're a gay, black man,

you have a Kimmy that treats you like this.

I love you. Don't get lice.

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

♪ Damn it ♪

Hey, what do you need my camera for?

Are you doing some kind
of gotcha journalism,

where you dress up in white face

and see if people treat you different?

'Cause I could tell you one thing,

I wouldn't be asking all these questions

if a white guy asked to borrow my camera.

Lillian, I'm making a music video.

Oh, you should do We Didn't Start the Fire

with updated lyrics.

♪ Balloon boy and ObamaCare ♪

♪ The 1% are billionaires ♪

I will be performing
a wholly original song.

The idea came to me in
a dream last afternoon.

- It's called Pinot Noir...
- Classy.

- An Ode to Black Penis.
- I assumed.

It needs to look fancy,
so our first location

will be the strip club
with the columns out front.

Nero's Castle.

Got my costume changes, my cocoa butter,

my rhyming dictionary.

- Let's get started.
- Rhyming dictionary?

You haven't written the song yet?

Lyrics are the least important part

of any song, Lillian.

I've got a title, a beat, and an attitude.

As long as it rhymes,
everything will be fines.

I was wrong to doubt you.


I am Dong.



I'm Kimmy.

In Vietnam, "Kim-mi" means penis.


I could've been on a boat
at the boat store right now.

All right, what do I got this time?

An ex-con, immigrant.

Thought this was the post office.

Et cetera.

This is GED prep.

Today's lesson, the 1989 Tom Berenger movie

Major League.

I'm sorry. We're just gonna watch a movie?

No. Thank you for asking.

You're also gonna have
to monitor my breathing.

Hurricane Sandy took
my sleep apnea machine,

so, you know, waking up is not a given.

What are we supposed to learn from this?

Shh, you make-a Dong
miss a shot of Cleveland.

I'm ready, Lillian. Call my phone.

Oh, yeah.


♪ Pinot Noir, caviar ♪

♪ Pinot Noir, Myanmar ♪

♪ Pinot Noir, candy bar ♪

It went to voice mail. Call it again.

No wonder no one's in there.

You're scaring away the creeps.

I'm trying to run a business here.

Madam, please.

This is the fanciest-looking
place in the neighborhood,

after the abandoned chandelier factory.

Let us shoot here, and
I'll pay you 100 bugs.

Did you just say "bugs"?

Run, Lillian!

Aah! Oh, no!

Excuse me, Teach?

Are we just gonna watch
a movie again tomorrow?

Isn't tomorrow Saturday?

- It's Tuesday.
- Damn it.

This is important to me.

I want to learn real stuff,

like why the sky is blue

or why tree clams are so delicious.

Sorry, on the east coast
you call them "pistachios."

Look, my teaching style may
be unconventional, but...

I need to speak to the principal.

You can't. He's dead...

Serious about education,

so he went to a conference in Hartford.

Well, then can you help me?

I want to transfer to another GED class.

Another? Honey, we just got the one,

you know, budget cuts.


Is that why the fall-dance
theme is Gymnasium?

Look, I'm not tattletale,

but our teacher stinks like
a week-old sea pistachio.

I'm sorry, "oyster."

And if I'm gonna pass the GED,

I need a real teacher,

like in all those movies where a white lady

sits backwards in a chair
and raps Shakespeare,

and the class is like,
"That was Shakespeare?

Poetry is dope!"

Oh, boy, Lefkovitz is teaching GED?

Between you, me,

and a former student we think
is living in the air ducts...

Lefkovitz is on very thin ice

with the school district
and the teachers union.

One more screw up, and
he'll never teach again.

If you want to lodge a complaint...

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't want to get anyone in trouble.

I just want to get my high-school diploma.

Look, I shouldn't tell you this,

but I could just sell you one.

I heard that, Deborah!

Now who's not telling on whom?

Damn it! Ronald!

Oh, no. You're getting the stick?

I'm so scared.

Is that all you got?

♪ Pinot Noir, mid-sized car ♪

- ♪ Pinot Noir, tiki bar ♪
- Oh, Jesus, bats!


The singing... the
singing woke up the bats.

I feel like we're not
capturing the elegance

we discussed in the production meeting.

Ah, how was school, dear?

I don't know what to do.

My teacher doesn't want to teach,

but I don't want to get him fired.

Also, this Vietnamese
guy made fun of my name.

Right, "Kim-mi."

What were your parents thinking?

Teachers have it tough.

One of my Aunt Ernestine
taught sixth grade.

After years of buying school
supplies out her own pocket

for future dropouts, she stopped caring.

She quit.

Wound up walking the streets selling drugs.


She's a pharmaceutical rep.

I phrased that so badly.

That's what happened to Mr. L.

After working at a broke inner-city school

all these years, he lost
his love of teaching.

But what can you do about it, Kimmy?

I'm gonna make him remember

why he became a teacher in the first place.

Titus, can you do me a favor tomorrow?

On Martin Luther King's birthday?

I'm not falling for that
a fourth time, Titus.

Can you go to Jacqueline's house for me?

The staff has the week
off while she's away,

and I need to check on the place,

get the mail, water the plants,

make sure there's fresh
flowers in the panic room.

Wait. You mean that beautiful mansion

with the staircase, the marble floors,

the curtains that are
intended to be curtains...

Those are coffin linings.

That place is empty?

Kimmy, have you heard of
the term "quid prom quote"?


I will watch Jacqueline's house

if Lillian and I can finish
shooting my music video there.

No, Titus, I can't...

Please, I need the production value.

I need it, baby.

Fine. Quid prong conch.

But make it quick, and
don't touch anything.

Oh, they'll never even know we were there.

I sanded off my fingerprints years ago.

So this is Julian Voorhees' house.

Wall Street royalty. Ha!

You know what we need is another Titanic.

Thin the herd a little bit.

Let's get started.

Yeah, just a second.

I promised myself if I ever got in here,

I would do to his toilets

what he did to the American middle class.

♪ Pinot Noir, shooting star ♪

♪ Under par ♪

♪ Teri Garr, Jamie Farr ♪

♪ These are '70s TV stars ♪

Okay, this is the last shot,

the opening of the video.

We see a tough, blue-collar worker.

Maybe he's a car fixer
or something with ladders.

Then through the power of Pinot Noir,

he's transformed into
what the French call...

Ripped from the headlines.



Oh, I'm out of here.

No! No, no, no, no, no!

You have to help me. I
have to finish my video.

I love you, Titus,

but this is a billionaire's house,

and I got priors.


Lillian, wait!

Eight Ball, it's me.

If anyone asks, I've been with you all day.

"I am screwed.

My house is trashed from last night

and parents are coming home.

Help me clean up!"

"Can't. Dylan said I could
smoke with them at park

if I showed my boobs."

"My dad's gonna kill me"

"Sorry, blushing face. Thumbs up."

"BTW, lollipop, snowman,
toilet, mailbox, ghost."

"Apple, woman's shoe, alarm clock, acorn."

"So true."

Come on, Spirit Gum.

If you can keep Obama's human mask on

over his lizard face,
hash tag lizard truth,

surely you can do this.

Who the hell are you?

I am a handyman...

hired by Jacqueline to fix this curtain rod

with my tools from my tool sash.

Right. That reminds me...

There's actually a few more
things she wants you to fix...


Well, that's what I do for my job.

Damn, girl!

Damn, girl.

Hey, kid.

No gum. Spit it out.

Hey, Mr. L.

I was just thinking about
our conversation earlier.

I know that being a teacher isn't easy,

especially when you're
trying to get through to kids

who don't even want to be here.

Look, I could stand here all day

and stare at the reflection of your can

in the water fountain,
but I'm kind of busy.

The kids leave all kinds of things behind

when there's a fire drill, so...

But I do want to be here.

I want to learn.

I just need your help.

Sorry, Ginger.

Nothing I do is gonna make a difference.

Nothing I've ever done
has made a difference.

You know, I thought you
might say something like that.

I dug this up in the library,

the P.S. Zero yearbook from 1994,

your third year teaching here.

Yeah, and a great year to
be a Montreal Expos fan.

It was also the year a
graduating eighth-grader

wrote this.

"Off to Winston Zeddemore High,

all thanks to Mr. Lefkovitz.

I'll never forget what you did."

Didn't make a difference, huh?

You touched a boy and made him a man.

And that man is here today.

Mike, come on out!

Oh, crap. Is that Mike Stampone?

You got so big.

You son of a bitch.

You ruined my life!

Wait! But the yearbook!

Oh, yeah, good idea. Thanks.

Please, Mr. Stampone!

Ow. Ow.



I got to go back for him.

I said I'm going.

Look, not for nothing,

but this was your step mom’s party?

Yeah, well, bitches be trippin'.

Hey, you respect your stepmom.

She step gave birth to you.

Oh, no, magic hour...

the time of day when
actors photograph best,

according to my queer cousin.

I'll be back. You stay here.

Last shot. Action, genius.

♪ Pinot Noir ♪

What the WTF are you doing?

I can explain. You're in The Matrix.

Titus, I should never have left...

Oh, you're in The Matrix.

I already used The Matrix.

Yeah, I'm calling the police.

You trust those clowns. Are you kidding me?

You got rights in your own home.

Shoot us.

Okay, look, I'm not a handyman,

although that was my nickname
one summer on Fire Island.

We're friends with Kimmy. She
asked us to come here to...

Wait, wait. Kimmy let you in?


This is perfect.

She is so fired.


I wish I'd never seen that Pug.

Is that why you came back?

That dog does not look like me, Lillian.

One time I had to wear a cone

- because I kept biting my stitches.
- He was eating out of a pizza box.

Oh, my God.

When my dad finds out about this,

it's bye-bye Little Dorkphan Annie.

Okay, first of all, that was weak.

Second of all, you mess with Kimmy,

and your daddy will find out

about you and your friends
trashing his home last night.

You can't prove that.

Oh, really?

Because I don't think
Jacqueline and her friends

drink cans of beer

while wearing Slutsicle Orange lipstick

from Ke$ha's Morning After Collection,

available exclusively at Hess gas stations.

My dad cannot find out about this, please!

He'll kill me.

Or marry me off to one
of his Saudi friends.

That's some high stakes.

All right, I'll make you this deal.

We'll help you clean up your party.

You lay off Kimmy.

Okay. Detente.

No, no, no, this is Titus.
DeTante moved back to Atlanta.

This was the only thing
in the nurse's office.

Yeah, that's the nurse.

Budget cuts.

They've got a cardboard cutout

of Michael Jordan teaching gym.

- Ugh.
- I'm sorry about Mike Stampone.

I thought you were his hero.

His yearbook page said he went
to high school because of you.

Yeah, he went to the worst
high school in New York City

because of me.

He was actually accepted to Bronx Science.

I was his advisor.

I'm supposed to send this
form so he could go there.

Anyway, I didn't.

I steamed the stamp off his envelope

so that I could send a fan
letter to Beverly D'Angelo.

Wait. You've always been like this?

A Fangelo? Yeah, ever since Vacation.

No! A teacher who doesn't care.

Oh, really?

Really, Miss

Would a teacher who doesn't care

bring in Rising Sun for today's class?

- That's Major League.
- Damn it!

See, this is what happens

when you pack your briefcase in the dark.

But the people who own the house

don't know I'm living in the basement.

So life's full of little compromises.

I can't believe I tried to
keep you from getting fired.

Fired? I can't get fired.

I've got tenure.

Well, Deborah in the office

says one more

and you'll never teach again.

Did she say that?

What were her words
exactly? This is fantastic!

What is wrong with you?

Why are you happy about that?

Why? Because it brings
me one step closer...

to this.

To this what?

I forgot what you said earlier,

'cause it took so long to get up here.

You kept having to lie
down in the stairwell,

and then I had to get you juice.

You asked why I was happy.

And I said, "'cause it
leads me one step closer."

And then I said, "To this."


It's just at teachers' lounge.

Just a teachers' lounge.

Like the Montreal Expos

are just Canada's
second-best baseball team.

Well, used to be.

The Expos moved?

See, it's almost impossible
to fire a tenured teacher.

So, if you're too incompetent to teach,

they send you here.

The union calls it "The Rubber Room."

You get paid to sit around all day

till they figure out what to do with you.

It takes years.

Oh, my gosh.

You're trying to get sent here.

And I'm so close.

I've spent 23 years failing my way

from AP Science all the way down

to the last rung of the
teaching ladder... GED Prep.

You're not gonna get away with this.

I'm telling the principal.

Yes, do that.

It'll be great for you.

'Cause he'll probably replace me

with one of those
inspirational GED teachers

you're always hearing about.

Nice try, Teach.

Or should I say, "Reverse Teach"?

If I complain, you get
paid to sit in there,

and I get nothing.

They're not gonna replace
you. The school's broke.

They've been renting out
the lockers as hotel rooms

for Japanese businessmen.


You complain, I win.

You fail, I win.

Face it, Missy, I'm a winner!

Well, I'm not giving up!

Did Frederick Douglass give
up when people told him,

"You'll never invent peanut butter, pal"?

I know all of that's wrong.

I see now that he's
holding a tennis racket.

I can't believe those guys.

I told them to stay out of my dad's study.

Ugh. Wait till you see what
they did to your bathrooms.

Who's that mean old lady?

What? Oh, no.

That's, like, my

Christoph Voorhees.

Ugh, the Dutch.

I never formed an opinion about them.

We also have his ivory
legs and his mustache

and the pipe he smoked as a baby.

Ivory legs.

Where's the pipe?

No! No, no, no, no.

My dad will notice right
away if this thing is missing.

Where is it?

Okay, I often find that things
are in the last place I look.

So let's start at the Dollywood gift shop.

Who here is allowed to rent a car?

No. I know exactly where it is.

And she stepped on the ball.

Hey, son! That's my pipe!

No, it's not.

- What did you just call me?
- Give it to him, Dylan.

You talking to me?

I break-a your face.

- Let's get out of here!
- Ooh!

Oh, my God, thank you...

Not so fast, MTV's Daria.

Solid, T.

I give this back to you,
Kimmy's off the hook, right?

Yes, fine. Pinkie promise.

I don't get you guys.

You did all this for Kimmy?

She's the worst.

Sure, she's not perfect.

She smiles too much, like a collie.

And red hair, brown eyes?

Guess God ran out of crayons.

But he wasn't out of
whatever makes people good.

Freckles, maybe. She's a good friend.

Yeah. And what do you know
about friendship anyway?

Those kids you hang out with suck.


You don't know them.



By the way, I counted 12
bathrooms in your house.

Did I miss any?

No, there's only eight.

Run, Lillian!

She put this team together

because she thought we'd be bad enough

to finish dead last,

knocking attendance down to the point

where she could move the team to Miami.

Well, then I guess there's
only one thing left to do.

What's that?

Win the whole...


That's it.

Guys, there's something you should know.

Mr. Lefkovitz wants us to fail.

Teacher want us to fail?

You make-a no sense, Penis.

Our success is his glory.

Yeah, that makes no sense at all.

- What are you talking about?
- Hear me out.

If we've learned anything in this class,

it's the plot to the movie Major League.

Wait. What?

Mr. Phelps' widow wants the team to fail

so she can move the
franchise to Miami, right?

Well, Mr. L wants us to fail
so he never has to work again.

He's Phelps' widow.

The Rubber Room is Miami.

And I guess the school is Cleveland.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Oh, still alive.

What's going on?

You, you, with the talking, sit down!

I'm sorry, my roommate
had to use the pants.

I thought there was no way to beat him,

but I was wrong,

'cause we're all in this
together, same as them.

We just have to do what Jake Taylor said.

What's that?

Pass the whole fudging test.


So we work together for the common good,

the same way Vietnam win the
war of American Aggression.

Yes, but read the room, Dong.

Now, who's with me?

Thanks for the lesson, Teach.

Girl's name!

♪ Pinot Noir ♪

♪ Caviar, Myanmar ♪

♪ Mid-sized car ♪

♪ You don't have to be popu-lar ♪

♪ Find out who your true friends are ♪

♪ Pinot Noir ♪

♪ In the boudoir ♪
♪ In the boudoir ♪

It went to voice mail.

Call it again. Call... call it again.

♪ Pinot Noir, smoke a cigar ♪

♪ Revenge can be spectacu-lar ♪

♪ Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir ♪

♪ Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir ♪

♪ Pinot Noir ♪

♪ Pinot Noir, leather bar ♪

♪ Oh, so close and yet so far ♪

♪ Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir ♪

♪ Pinot, Pinot, Pinot ♪

♪ Pinot Noir, you're a star ♪

♪ Listen to Tom Beren-gar ♪

♪ Pinot Noir, Roseanne Barr ♪

♪ Pinot ♪

♪ Noir ♪

♪ Au revoir ♪

Good night, everybody!