Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Kimmy Is Bad at Math! - full transcript

Dong tries to teach Kimmy math and Kimmy tries to convince Jacqueline to get a divorce.

♪ The things you say
You're unbelievable ♪

♪ Simply molasses Told Mimi Kanassis ♪

♪ Pushing up the radishes, bring... ♪

Ugh! Unbelievable.

This is the Cherry Hill Fountain.

You probably recognize it

from the opening of the show Friends.

Great Chandler's ghost! From TV?

Right here in Central Park? [gasps]

Central Perk. I just got that!

And there's George and Jerry from Seinfeld?

Only in New York, kids.

[slap bass line]


♪ ]

[Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ But females are strong as hell ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

♪ It's a miracle ♪

♪ Unbreakable ♪

♪ They alive, damn it ♪

[speaking] That's gonna be, uh...

you know, a fascinating transition.

[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪

Jeez, we were supposed to
start 20 minutes ago, Sonja!

Where's the rest of study group?

You shouldn't be able to see me.

I'm wearing the hat.

Has everyone dropped out?

I know Fatima got deported.

Jason is stuck on that missing G train.

Steve Harwell is back on tour as
the lead singer of Smash Mouth.

He's not gonna learn English that way!

And that guy Dong hasn't shown up once!

I'm never going to pass this
thing if I don't get some help,

especially with math.

I'll give you some true mathematics.

The Olsen twins, they're four people.

Think about it.

Well, this is a disaster.

I guess you and I might as well just...

Sonja? Where are you?

[Sonja] I put on my hat.

Kimmy residence, Kimmy speaking.

[Jacqueline] Well, he's gone.

Julian checked into the
Dominique Strauss-Kahn Suite

at the Sofitel.

I'm so sorry.

But it's for the best.

He's been sending me gifts
all day, trying to get me back.

A diamond necklace, a bouquet of dogs.

[Kimmy] You have to stay strong.

He cheated on you with
your couples therapist.

Right, people get divorced all the time.

Like my friend, Mimi Kanassis.

She's doing great.

She just got back from
Italy with her boyfriend.

And her ex-husband died
on top of his new wife.

- Like in bunk beds?
- Listen.

I'm meeting my lawyer in an hour.

I know it's your day off, and
you're probably doing something

in New Jersey, but I need
you there to hold my hand.

Of course, I'm here for you.

I'll have my girl text
you the lawyer's address.

- You mean me?
- Thank you!

Well, I'm off to

Professor Dracula's Spooky
Laboratory and Bar and Grill.

Cool, you're a werewolf, like in the bible!

Actually, I'm not exactly a werewolf,

I'm a Frankenwolf.

And before you say anything,

yes, I know my name
isn't really Frankenwolf,

I'm just a creature
created by Dr. Frankenwolf.

Give it a break, nerds.

Wait, why aren't you at the libbary?

My study group has already fallen apart.

Can you teach me math?

Girl, didn't you just
hear me say "libbary"?

I went to public school in Mississippi.

They told us dinosaurs went extinct

because an asteroid turned them gay.

Well, this blows chunks.

I'm never gonna get my high school diploma.

I need Dong.

Trust me, that's not going
to solve all your problems.

Dong is the name of the
Vietnamese guy in my class.

- He's good at math.
- That's racist.

But he is good at math.

I don't make the rules.

Well, there goes the neighborhood,

they covered that open manhole.

So we can stop carrying
around an old oar to keep

from falling in?

Kids, this can only mean one thing.

Gentrification is coming.

I mean, pretty soon,
we'll be out on our asses

'cause some yuppie thinks
the building has "good bones."

We can't let them find my husband's bones.

So Julian agrees to cede primary custody,

but he gets weekends and holidays.

But that's not fair to Vera.

Housekeepers need structure and stability.

Sorry, but this prenup is pretty ironclad.

The good news is you never
violated the infidelity clause.

But Julian did.

Unfortunately, it only pertained to you.

Pursuant to the codicil,
paragraph three, Mr. Voorhees

retained the right to...

"stick it wherever."

At the end of the day,
the financial settlement

is what it is.

[sighs deeply]

Oh, God, it's peanuts!

Mrs. Voorhees, I live with a
very serious peanut allergy,

so excuse me if I don't find that funny.

I don't think I can do this.

Don't say that.

You're stronger than you think.

Look, the only thing that
matters is your freedom.

You've been trapped in
this marriage for years.

But now the hatch is
open, and you can climb out

into the sunlight.

So just go already!

No, I won't! It's a trick!

It's not a trick. Gosh wants you to leave!

So does his son, Jeez!

Go already!

There must be some kind of loophole.

I don't think so, but who knows?

Your prenuptial agreement
requires that you be represented

by a worser lawyer than your husband.

He gets my brother, David.

David's so cool. And
he's, like, really fast.


So just sign this, and we'll
initiate the proceedings.

I think.

I'll check with David when
I watch him work out later.


It's Kimmy from GED class.

Shh! I don't have papers,

so at work I go by American name.

Richard Pennsylvania.

Well, Richard, I need
a math tutor, big time.

So far all I've learned
is that the Olsen twins

are actually four people.

Of course.

It took two of them to play
one baby on the Full House.

So if we see two of them
now, there must be four.

Look, Kimmy, you seem like a street girl...

Street girl? Hey!

Oh, sorry, I meant sweet girl.

I get confused because in
Vietnam, the word "duong"

can mean "sweet" or "street."

Or "sugar" or "road."

The number one cause of
death there is when a diabetic

asks for directions.

- [clears throat]
- Oh!

But I don't have time to tutor anybody.

I barely have time to study at home

because I work three shifts.

My boss is so cheap.

- How... cheap... is he?
- Very.

He won't hire any more delivery guys.

It's a real problem for me.


It's funny 'cause it's true.

Okay, I get it.

You don't have any time because of work.

But I could help you.

If I take some of your deliveries,

maybe you'd have some free time

and we could study together.

It would be nice to have some help.

Delivering Chinese food
all day can be depressing.

Like when people yell out, "food's here!"

As if they have a family.
But I know they are alone.

So study buddies? Tonight?

- My apartment?
- Okay.

Study buddies.

Oh, no, Kimmy!

I cannot touch a woman I barely know.

It's non-appropriate.

Okay, well let's just say
this is going to be great!

Fingers crossed.

Where I come from, that
is a very obscene gesture!

Okay, gotcha.

What is wrong with you?


[cell phone chimes]

Oh, Kimmy,

I do know it's your day off,

and I'm so sorry to bring you back here

from whatever decaying
steel town you call home.

That's okay. I know you're
going through a tough time.

And it's making me want to stress eat.

So if you could do it for me while I watch,

that would be so thank you.



Eat your shame.

Now cry.


Take another bite and
suck your thumb and cry.



Look, I'm happy to come
over here whenever you want,

but Logan Beekman is taking
me to dinner on Thursday.

Look who caught a whale,

and with such dry bait.

Wait, huh?

Kimmy, I'm so happy for you.

If you play this right, you
could end up exactly like me,

with a kitchen like this
and an ass that won't quit,

even though it's never
worked a day in its life.

What do you mean "exactly like you?"

You and Mr. Voorhees are getting...

rhymes with "shmavorced."

Actually, great news: we're not.

Julian and I are staying together.

What? No.

What about your freedom, sunlight, birds,

free cocoa at the police station.

I don't expect you to understand,

but I'm used to a certain lifestyle.

He cheated on you.

You can't put a price
tag on your self-respect.

3,400, the amount the
Olsen quadruplets paid me

to keep my mouth shut.

- Mrs. Voorhees
- I've made my decision, Kimmy.

Now, where did I leave my phone?

Oof, do not go in there.

Where? Outside?

You heard me.

So how was your day?

Walking around New York
dressed like a werewolf

got... weird.


Mr. Bus!

[tires screech]

Oh, no, no, no, no. I don't need a cab.

I was just waving.

I didn't do anything.

Nice day, huh, sir?

Can you hold my baby?

[Titus] I got treated better

as a werewolf than I
ever did as a black man.

That's messed up.

I'm gonna tell you what's messed up.

Our bodega started selling Greek yogurt

and bottled water and unexpired meats.

Who's that for?

They're coming, those
white sons of bitches.

How do you like your tea, Dong?

Milk and two roads.

I think you mean two sugars.


What you got cooking over there,

a little General Tso's Revenge?


For some reason, that Asian fetish thing

tends to go one way: white
guys into Asian women.

But swim upstream, and a lady can clean up.

Trust me. [laughs]

[Kimmy] Oh, no. It's not like that.

I've actually got a
date with this guy Logan.

He's super fancy, like...

"Kimberly, don't eat that
spaghetti with your hands.

I'm quite serious. It's awful."

Mm, be wary of a rich man's interest.

Odds are it's a prank.

That's how I was duped on the
unaired VH3 reality program

Joe Invisible Millionaire.

Oh, you're not invisible, Joe.

Because I can see your heart.

Whatever. I got to the final round.

Let's see a black man do
that on The Bachelorette.

Well, Logan is very real,
and Dong is a friend.

How dare you.

He's not just "dong."

He's also a mouth and a butt.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, Kimmy, try this one:

"Instead of paying his credit card,

César spends his last
$30 on Powerball tickets.

When he wins, should he take
the lump sum now or the annuity?"

I don't know.

Lump sum. Money makes money.

Wait, how?

Like... sex?

No, it's just the compounding interest.



Ms. Jacqueline, there's
a lady here to see you,

but she won't sign the
reality show appearance waiver.

Oh, that's okay. I gave up on that idea.

It was only gonna be the bathrooms anyway.

Mimi Kanassis?

What a lovely surprise.

Well, you're certainly keeping it tight.

I'm doing this new workout
where I carry furniture

up and down stairs.

My trainer is an Israeli
guy who owns a truck...

Wait a minute.

It's a moving company.

Well, sorry to drop in unannounced,

but I got a message
from someone named Kimmy.

She sounded simple, like
she was born near a river.

A river? Thank you.

- Wait. You called Mimi?
- I did.

You mentioned how great
Ms. Kanassis has been doing

since she got divorced, so
if you won't listen to me,

maybe you'll listen to
someone who's been through it.

Jacqueline, my divorce was the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

I'm in a book club.

I... I can't do this.

I came over here to convince
you to get a divorce,

just so I could seduce Julian.

And then if you didn't go for it,

I was gonna kill you both.

Oh, I want all this back so bad.

Oh, Carrara marble.


Oh, I want to feel it against my skin.

I don't understand.

You just went to Italy with your boyfriend.

Italy? I was in Naples, Florida.

And "boyfriend" is the name
of my loneliness therapy dog.

You have no idea how hard it is
to completely change your life.

Do you know what the
difference between a million

and a billion is?

Well, M is 13, and B is 2,

so M minus B is... 11?


All I got in the settlement
was the Hamptons house

and friendship custody
of the Olsen octuplets.

All I'll get is $1 million...


For every year we were married.

You said you'd get peanuts.

That's 12 million peanuts.

You'd pay a dollar a peanut?

Oh, go home to your boyfriend, Mimi.

I can't.

When we were in Florida,
he jumped into a shark...

on purpose.

12 million is less than
Julian had when we got married.

I can't go back to living like that.

Our racehorse was so ugly.

- Now, come on, Mimi.
- Oh, no.

Let's get you the hell out of my house.

Oh, your hands are so soft.

Yeah, thank you, honey.

Okay, all right. Oh, wait. Okay.

Here we go, back to the door.

Vera, there's a package here for you.

"All of LeBronda's dreams have come true

after winning the lottery."

Who is writing these questions?

"The Pick Six Institute
for Lottery Advancement,

a Division of the CIA"?

It doesn't matter.

I'll never get algebra.

No, Kimmy, it'll click.

I'm sorry. I'm having a bad day.

My boss is being a real B-I-T of a J-E-R-K.

I'm sorry.

But you're not allowed
to be sad in Central Park.

I came to New York because
of movies like Wall Sugar...

Wall Street.

Home By Myself Again...

Home Alone 2.

And The Puppet Frog and
Pig Wife Take Manhattan.

When Harry Met Sally?

And all of my favorite scenes

were always right here in this park.

Like the restaurant in Ghostbusters,

where Rick Moranis gets
turned into the Keymaster?

That place is right near here.

The only place I can't find is the opening

for my favorite show:
Six White Complainers.

Oh, I believe in America
it's called Friends.

[gasps] The fountain?

I know where it is.

[upbeat music]

[in Korean] ♪ So no one told you ♪

♪ That adults should not complain ♪

♪ You keep a monkey as
a pet despite disease! ♪

Hey, you two, that ain't
the Friends fountain.

- It's not?
- I'm Richard Pennsylvania from Epcot.

People think it is, but the real one

is in a studio lot in Burbank.

It looks totally different.

Are we in trouble, Coppicer?

Nah, I'll give you two lovebirds a break.

Oh, no, it's not like that.

Yeah, I just like Dong.

Me, too. Don't tell the guys.

Did I not offer Mimi a water?

Well, Dong just cheered me up.

- I bet it did.
- Enough.

"Dong" is a common Vietnamese name.

No more jokes.

And I'm not giving up on
you doing the right thing.

You're coming with me right now.

Will I be back in time to
move a two-bedroom apartment?

What happened here? Did
Hurricane Katrina come back?

Kimmy, no. She's one of them.

You, go back to Amagansett.



Mrs. Voorhees, I know you
don't think you can live

on your divorce settlement,
but you're tough.

You survived Julian's cheating
and Buckley breastfeeding

long after his teeth came in.

Oh, he was born with a full set.

So if my roommate and I
can live here on nothing,

you're definitely strong
enough to get by on 12...

Wait, you live here?

Certainly this can't be all of it.

I know, I'll go upstairs.

Mrs. Voorhees, you're not listening to me.

This is about you.

No, it's not.

When are you seeing Logan, tomorrow?

- What?
- This is unacceptable.

You have to lock him down now.

You'll need a condom and a pin.

And I need to get out of here
before I get airborne diabetes.

No. Mrs. Voorhees...

And this is for what you
crackers did to Tribeca.

And this is for the M&M store.

And this is for non-ethnic
mustaches, and...


- Kimmy.
- Ahh!

Titus, why are you dressed like that?

You didn't even go to work today.

I've decided to live as a werewolf.

Wha... ?

It's so much easier than
being an African-American man.

Security guards don't
follow me around in stores,

dogs have stopped barking at me,

and no one mistook me for
Samuel L. Jackson all day.

I'll kill you, Kimmy.

You need to change your life.

Logan. Lock it down.

I just came from work,

and Hu Zha Qi docked my pay because of you.

What did I do?

All your orders came up short.

Do you not know how to make change?

Okay, it's $25.43, and you gave me $41,

so 100 minus 43, take
the 1 from the zero...

wait... wait.

I'm not good at math.

So unbelievable.

I'm trying to save money to
hire an immigration lawyer,

and you lost $200.

Why not just kick me in the tooths?

It's "teeth."

That's insane.

And I never should have agreed to help you.

Out of all the persons in the world,

all the mans and all the
womans, you're the most bad.

It's people, men, women, and worstest.

And this is your fault.

You're supposed to be teaching me math,

and I haven't learned anything.

What a waste of time.

Tell me about it!

Oh, nice. Real classy.

Well, Kimmy, Julian's coming home tonight

so, fingers crossed, this
will all be behind us.

Ugh, now I see it. That's gross.

But, Mrs. Voorhees,
you can't stay with him.

Do the math, Kimmy.

It's not enough money.

I spend 100 grand a month.

I'll be broke in ten years.

[Dong] Money makes money.

It's just the compounding interest.

Ten years?

No, that's wrong.

So $100,000 times 12 months.

That's 1.2 million a year.

Those are not erasable markers.

Divide that into 12 million, and yes,

you'd be broke in 10 years.

But if you invest some of it,
assuming a 7% rate of return,

using the compound interest formula,

where P equals 6 million...

Your money would almost double.

That's why you take the lump
sum when you win the lottery.

Mrs. Voorhees, I mathed,
and you can get divorced.



It's not really about the money.

Exsqueeze me?

It's not really about the money.

I'm scared, Kimmy.

I don't have a family to go back to.

All my friends are people I pay:

trainers and stylists and beauticians.

And I doubt they say, "Wow,
your anus really responds

to the laser" because they want to.

I'm afraid of starting over.

You don't understand how
hard the world can be.

Mrs. Voor... Jacqueline,

I need to tell you something.

I'm a Mole Woman.

Oh, don't say that, dear.

Yes, you have beady little rodent eyes,

and your hands are rough and claw-like,

and when you eat...

No, listen to me.

My name is not Kimmy Smith.

I'm Kimmy Schmidt from Indiana,

as in the Indiana Mole Women.

I was kept in a bunker for 15 years

by an insane preacher.

I thought the world had ended.

I thought I would die there.

But I survived, because
that's what women do.

We eat a bag of dirt, pass it
in a kiddie pool, and move on.

I hope that's a metaphor.

It's not. We needed the iron.

I came to New York with nothing.

But I found Titus and Lillian and you.

I got a room and a job
and a temporary tattoo

that says "You're Grape."

And tonight I'm going to dinner with a guy

who wears hats with brims
that go all the way around.

I do understand the world, Mrs. Voorhees.

It's tough, but so are we.

Oh, Kimmy.

Why didn't I do a background
check before hiring you?

I'd be your friend even
if you didn't pay me.

And I'm saying this because I want to:

your anus is really
responding to the laser.


[both] U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A.

[knock at door]

Dong, finally.

I'm here purely on food business.

Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry,

and I promise I'll pay you back somehow.

Also, for what it's worth,
you did teach me math.

That's worth zero, which
is a number, by the way.

I work so hard just
trying to get on my feet,

so someday men will look up
to me and say, "Nice teeth.

You must own many oxen

and have to pick women off you like lice."

But thanks to you,

I'm this close to being out on the street.

Wait a minute.

Feet, men, teeth, oxen,

women, lice, street?

And did you say "cacti"?

No, but I could.

Ow, so many cacti.

Dong, your English, it's amazing.

From hanging out with you, Kimmy.

You make my English better.

So... study buddies?

Oh, sorry.

I forgot you don't touch.

They keep coming.

Excuse me. Hey, I'm looking for Kimmy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, welcome.

Hey, I love your hat,

all the way around and everything, it's...

Kimberly, wow, you look simply divine.

I could listen to you
English guys talk all day.

Oh, my word. No, no, I'm from Connecticut.

Yeah, my parents just insisted
all the children learn British.

I didn't speak a word of American

until I arrived at college, bro.

I told you this neighborhood
was about to blow up, Todd.

[Titus] Help me! Please!

Honey, that werewolf needs help.

It's the glue.

It's losing its adhesive properties.

I'm transforming.


Long did I think I could
stay in this costume?

Oh, God, the werewolf. It
turned into Samuel L. Jackson.


[dogs barking]

Oh, Titus, oh, come here.

You just saved the neighborhood,
you glorious bastard.

All right, then.

Have you decided where
you want to go to dinner?

I can't believe I'm at the
Ghostbusters restaurant.

I haven't been here since I was about six,

when I and had to get
all dressed up with Daddy.

You know, they've
remodeled since the movie.

Interesting factoid:

Bill Murray only agreed to do the film

so that the studio would
let him make Razor's Edge.



[speaks indistinctly]

Good night, everybody!