UnREAL (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

Unh! Unh!

This year, we're kings.

"Money, dick, power."

Are you ready to welcome this
season's suitor, Darius Beck!

- Oh.
- Oh, my gosh.

Look at this.

She takes angry black woman

to the level of blinding rage.

So if what I'm wearing offends you,

then there really is
only one thing that I can do,

and it's... ooh!

I had a fiancé. He died.

Car accident. I was driving.

Did you kill him?


Chet, what the hell are you doing here?

I'm taking my kingdom back.

Who's in charge here?

- I am.
- I am.

I don't want to fight, okay?

So why don't you shoot your
show, I'll shoot my show.

- We'll see which one they prefer...
- You're so on.

There's the network president.

Gary! Hi!

My two bosses, they're making

two different versions of the show.

I can't produce it with them on the set.

What in the hell are you guys doing?

I'm putting someone else in charge.

Oh, really? And who might that be?

Coleman Wasserman,
come in here, please.

He is the one in charge now.

For now, I think I want to
lean into what Chet's doing.

Hey, director!

- More flying, more dirt!
- Copy that!

I want more shit drowning the
lens, more shit flying around!

You got it!

Fire in the hole!

Chet, what are you doing?

I'm making magic, man.

Over this hill, there's an ATV course.

You're gonna be driving the ATV.

There's gonna be
explosions on the right,

explosions on the left.

- Boom. Boom!
- Nah.

- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
- Yes.

And the girls are gonna
be like... Hello, ladies.

- Nice to see you. Looking super.
- Chet. Chet.

This right here is a man

with a $50 million
insurance policy on his body.

He can't even play a
game of pickup basketball.

Pickup basketball?

So there's no way he's coming close

to an explosion or an ATV.

Hey. Your body is not a commodity.

You tell you what you do with you.

Chet, first of all, my body
is a commodity, okay?

It's my living. Funny thing
I plan on protecting it.

This is a disaster.

Yeah, but I mean,

what are we gonna do about it, you know?

I mean, the network's boychick

picked Chet's ridiculous date
and now we're stuck with it.



Speak of the Ivy League devil.

Ladies. Hey.
How's the, uh...

How's our morning shaping up here?

Well, let's see.

The ATVs are ripping up the lawn,

there's a gaggle of lost
girls in their underwear,

and not a hint of romance in sight.

So I would say it sucks.

Quinn, I am not a threat here.

The network just put me in
charge to get us back on track.

And you're the expert, huh?

Oh! That's right.

You've actually never worked

on an actual television show before.

I mean, have your
balls even dropped yet,

or do we still have
that to look forward to?

Why don't you ask Rachel?

Apparently she's a big
fan of this docuseries

I did on Cambodian sex workers.

You know, that one that
won all those awards,

became the cornerstone of a new network,

resulted in a bidding
war for my services,

which your network actually won.

Congratulations, by the way.

- Yay.
- So, yeah, the balls are down there.

Clankin' away.

You're annoying.

I agree.

I'm just looking for Chet. Where is he?

Check at the ATV track.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

Right up your alley, I mean,

but who cares about story, right?


If I was a man, they
wouldn't be doing this to me.

I'd be wearing sweat
pants, scratching my nuts,

and boning 22-year-olds.

Hot 22-year-olds.

You know what?


- I'm gonna go hands-on.
- Hmm?

I am gonna produce girls myself.

I am gonna paint them the
friggin' Sistine Chapel, okay?

And if they do not appreciate
me then, screw them.

I'm done, for good. I swear.

But you have my back, right?

Must I remind you?

Okay, good. So you
keep an eye on boy toy

while I go talk to Wagerstein

'cause I'm going
balls-deep in this bitch.

Give me damage and give me pain.

I'm not comfortable with this, Quinn.

After last year, after Mary...

After you blackmailed your
way into a Healing Nook?

Give me a break. Come on.

- Chop-chop. Let's go.
- All right.

Jameson. The cop.

Her job forces her to disassociate.

Okay. Has she shot anyone?


Boring. Next.

Dominique's pro basketball career

is studded with rumors of homosexuality.

Give me rumors
of a straight female athlete.

- That'd be special.
- Okay.

Hayley's history
implies that she's likely

to act out sexually.

Ugh. Snore.
You're putting me to sleep.

Okay, how about Brandi,

our mixed martial arts fighter?

Grew up in foster care,
classic signs of abuse,

trouble forming relationships.

See, now we're talking. That's good.

Who else?

What about, uh, Chantal?

We have to be careful.

You saw what Madison did to her.

Given her sensitivity over her fiancé,

she could unravel.

Thank you.

Okay, then they run on the ramp,

they bounce off the trampolines
up over the rope wall

and then bouncy,
bouncy, bouncy, they run,

they hit the balance
beam over to the log hop

and then finishing over
here at the climbing wall.

I figure you put yourself
out there every Sunday.

Let the girls compete for
you for once, you know?

Kind of "Miss America"
meets "American Ninja"...

Hmm. Miss AmeriNinja.

I thought it would be a good idea

if Darius ran the course
once and the girls watched.

- Mnh.
- Sorry, Chet. Can't do it.

Or we could, uh, all sit
in my skybox over here

and kick back and watch the proceedings.

Oh, now, that we can do. Okay.

Let's go.

I am hands-on today,
so I will be producing

two of your girls myself
Chantal and Brandi.

Wait, I'm sorry. You're gonna
be taking one of my girls?

Should we check with
Coleman first, or...

Say his name again, and I will
staple your dick to your anus.

That's perfect.


So, um, you're just
letting Chet bury us today?

Is that what's happening?

Well, he's got the suitor.

I want to see what he does.

Well, the show's not
actually about the suitor.

Just so you know. It's
about the contestants.

I just didn't want your inexperience
to show without you knowing.

I've got experience
all over the world...

Refugees, famine, war.

War is easy. These girls are hard.


The only thing hard about this show

is pretending it doesn't highlight

how deeply vapid American culture is.


Look, I'm not trying to be a dick here,

but seriously, come on.

It's the lowest common denominator...

Buff boys, giggly girls.

If you're so good at your job,

why don't you tell me
why you picked Chet?

Because he clearly
gave a horrible pitch.

Awful. But he's Gary's friend.


So I'm giving him rope.
Let him hang himself.

And if he does,

Quinn will be more than
happy to pick up the slack.

I don't know what she's doing, but...

Kind of a risky move. I mean,
she could just walk away.

If that happens, then it
might be your chance to shine.

Hey, Brandi.


How you feeling?

Really good.

Yeah, it's weird.

I came here to meet a guy,

but I'm meeting all these amazing women.

It's super cool.


Women. Super cool.

What does that mean?

Oh, it just means, you know,

I don't have a lot of female friends,

and I'm guessing you don't, either.

Why do you care?

Pretty straightforward narcissism.

I see myself in you.

No way.

You are fancy.


Get up. Come on, let's go.

Take your coat. It's cold out.

You know, Brandi, actually,

I grew up on a dirt road

with no friends and an alcoholic father.

So, from one broken-ass
little kid to another,

watch your back

'cause everyone here wants
the same thing you do,

and they're all willing to fight for it.

Is that stuff about Quinn true?

Well, it doesn't have to be,

but in this case, it actually is.

A false sense of security

because you want the mean
girls to braid your hair.

You see, this is how we make the show.

Darius likes you.

He told me.

Don't let them take that away from you.

Then let's go, shall we?

We actually have to,

like, create the drama on "Everlasting."

We're curating the
story week after week.


I just love that you
take it so seriously.

It's reality TV.

It's good that you don't have to worry

about making money for a living.

I've been pretty lucky.

I'm sure your trust fund helps.

What about your trust fund?

- Seriously?
- Marin County.


You don't know anything about me.

Your girlfriend watch this show?

She was a huge fan.

Wait, why'd you guys break up?

I, um...

- Hollywood.
- Mm.

Come out here with the network together,

and then I wanted new opportunities.

I just felt like I needed some space.

Is she cool with that?

Yeah, she knew we both needed a change.


She dumped you.

And for the first time
in your Ivy League, NPR,

picture-perfect, non-GMO life,

- you didn't get what you wanted.
- Whoa, stop.

And you're just going
from award-winning docs

to reality TV. That's a step down.

- I'm just saying.
- No, she wasn't...

She wasn't what? What?

- Docs don't make any money.
- Right.

- She knew that.
- Okay.

I'm 28 years old.

I can't be spending the rest of my life

playing catch-up with all
my friends on Wall Street.

- Uh-huh.
- I would have never left her.

I loved her. I would
have given her the...

Hey, Coleman, just so you know...

that's how you make the show.

What you looking at, bud?

- Uh, there was, um...
- No, no, no.

We can see it on the
monitors. Go set up B-cam.

Oh, sorry. Am I in your way?


No. All good.

You're Jeremy, right?

The director?

That's me.

So you're the one who's
calling me "Hot Rachel."

Well, you do kind of
look like her a little,

but way hotter.

Just make sure you
get my good side, okay?

Do we really have to do this right here?

I mean, they already don't like me.

This just makes it worse.

It's gonna be super
easy, and I just need you

to talk about something
fun, you know, like Muslims

or Jameson's hair.

You just want to make a
big dumb joke out of me.

Unh-unh! No. No, ma'am.


I'm not supposed to tell you this,

but your Twitter has blown up.

I'm talking thousands of new followers

every single day just
because you speak your mind.


You are like Donald Trump with boobs.


Well, all right.

Let's make America great again.

Sometimes I like to emphasize my lips.

It just brightens my whole
face, don't you think?

Have you considered working in politics?

Let's try these eyelashes.

Okay, no. Really. Thanks. That's enough.

No, no... that's not
even close to enough.

Look. You want to skip the lashes?

Fine, whatever.

But I'm telling you, they
would change your life.



Look, I know you don't want to hear it,

but you know who doesn't win this thing?

Hmm? Rosa Parks.

And who does?

Well, if I have anything
to say about it, a wifey...

A black and beautiful wifey.

That's just not me.

Have you ever even tried?

Have you ever even put on a dress?

Have you popped that cleavage?

Can you even get through one day

without saying the
words "white privilege?"

Mm. No, I didn't think so.

Well, you know what? You got to try it.

You got to work him, girl. Otherwise...

pack your damn bags. You're going home.

Yeah, they're setting it up now.

Oh, wow. You look great.


I mean, especially after
the year you've been through.

You know, it really upsets me

that people would question
your motives for being here.

I don't listen to gossip.

Wow. I really respect that.

I mean, if some needy
fighter chick was accusing me

of using my own fiancé's
death to get ahead,

I don't know what I would
do, but it wouldn't be pretty.


Is that her name?

I mean, she is so full of it,

you know, assuming that
Darius wouldn't be interested

in someone as fragile as you.

I know, I can't believe it.

But, you know, I got to say...

You seem great.

Let's do this.

Cue our hostess with the mostest.

Cue the host.

With four more contestants
going home tonight,

the pressure's on each one of our ladies

as they vie to win this obstacle course

and a one-on-one date with our suitor.

Oh, nice.

This is our first qualifying
round of four girls.




And London.

On your marks, ladies.

Let the games begin!

- There you go!
- There you go!

- You got it!
- There you go!


- Oh, shoot!
- Let's go!

♪ London Bridge is falling down ♪

Get up! Get up there!

Hustle! Hustle!

Oh! Whoa! Oh!

Really? Trampolines?

Slo-mo boobs? How old are you?

Such a thing called testosterone, Quinn.

So I've heard.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go!
- Come on.

Balance, balance.

Y'all better catch up! Let's go!

There you go.

Oh! Oh!

Let's go! Let's go!

- For the win! For the win!
- Let's go!

This is it!

Oh, shit.

Medic! We need a medic!


Oh, my God! What happened?

Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Don't
move her, don't move her!

We got to do a concussion protocol.

How could you do that? You hurt her.

Okay, that's bad.


Go for Rachel.

Put Brandi in the hole.

When we did that in Season 8...

Just do it!

Copy that.

I didn't mean to hurt
her. You know that, right?

She stepped on my hand. I really didn't.

Whatever you meant to
do and what you did,

they're two different
things. Just wait here.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey!

You can't lock me in here!


Please, let me out!

You don't get it! Let me out!

I can't be locked up in
here. I can't breathe. Please!

Rachel, I need you to get Darius
ready to visit Chantal, okay?

And tell Madison that
she's got to prep her girl.

I want our Bl-ifey wounded and wet.

I need to get out.

Do you have an end game?

Don't lock me in. Please let me out!


What do you mean?

I can't be locked up in here.

Sideline Chet.

Give me the rest of the
day and let me run with it.




Please, let me out!

Don't say backseat, okay?
I don't do backseats.

- I'm the driver.
- Right.

I just feel like Quinn
has a stronger handle

- On today's storyline.
- Do you?

That's all this is.

I'm just saying I created the show.

- I respect that.
- And I think maybe you've been blinded

by a little vaginal fairy dust, huh?

Look, Chet. We're just trying
to make a good TV show, man.

That's it.

All right.


I want some good news.
Give me a little good news.

What did... Tell me what the
judge said about the custody.


Just give her that
winning smile of yours,

make her feel special, and
give her this stupid stuff.


Oh, my God. I got it, okay? I got it.

I'm just saying, if you want to
win over the women of America,

this is how you're gonna
need to do it, okay?

Fine. I'll charm her pain away.

How's your pain?

What's that mean?

It means that I've been watching you.

You didn't do the ATV, you
didn't do the obstacle course.

You're a professional athlete,

and I've never seen you work out.

I'm just saying.

You're making shit up.

I'm fine. We're fine.

Watch and learn.

Hey, you. How you feeling?


I'm so glad you came.

But I don't want you
to see me like this.

What, beautiful?

Come on, girl. Of course I
came. I was worried about you.

Look, I know what it's
like to take a hard hit.

It shakes you up.

This is great. I'm wet already.

Copy that.

Oh. I brought you these.

Oh, they're lovely.

And this little guy here...

Is wearing my number so
that you don't forget me.


Ugh. Nice hospital room.

And who put that band around her head?

She looks like a fortune teller.

I do what I can.

When I fell off that wall,

I didn't know what to think.

And then I woke up in your arms.

It made me see things
just a little more clearly.


I've lived my life in a very clear way,

built a future I could be proud of,

and then I lost it all
in the blink of an eye.

It was just gone.

She's like, "It's just gone." Ugh.

I never thought I could
feel that way again,

but today, with you,

it made me see what
we could have together.

Oh, yes. Here we go. Come to Daddy.

Yeah, that's good.
Zoom in. zoom in

- There you go.
- Yes!


What a slut.

She's a good girl.

True love. They can find it here.

Or we could make it.

You rest.

We can talk about all this later, okay?

I'd like that.

So would I.


Ladies, hi. How are you?

There you go. You look thirsty.

That's number three,
and I feel great.

A drink, huh?

All right.

Tiffany, you got this.

You got this in the bag, girl.

Hey. Yeah.

- Can you come with me for a second?
- Yeah.

You sure you don't mind?

Are you kidding?

Always happy to help a sister out.

What are you doing here, anyway?

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know. You just
seem too smart for all this.

We're all too smart for this.

You look amazing.

See you down there.

You know I'm not using nothing, so stop.

Excuse me one second. I'm sorry.

I'll be right back. I promise.

Damn, you clean up nice.

Can we talk for a second?

Absolutely. Please.

Just who I'm looking for...

A man who knows his
game inside the pocket.

You can see we're trying to
have a conversation here, right?

Come on. There's a dozen
of us and only one of him.

I'm guessing Darius can
handle two at a time.

So, you could really see
yourself dating a black man?

- He's a quarterback.
- How can you not cut this bitch?

She doesn't even see you as a person.

- I am actually a quarterback.
- Did you just call me a bitch?

Yes, I called you a bitch

because you are an ignorant fame whore

who would screw a crocodile

if it got her enough Twitter hits.

At least I'm not some prissy
librarian wannabe African

who can't even afford her own dress.

You and your Southern
heritage are bullshit.

Hey, hey, hey!

Ugh. There's no hair
pulling, no scratching.

It's like a B-plus at best.

Time to blow this turd up.

Hey, whatever plan you've
got going for yourself,

do you just want to,
like, fill me in on it?

'Cause at this point, you just
keep taking all of my advice

and then just, like, throwing it out.

She just pisses me off, okay?

Oh, my God.

You like him.

You do. You actually like him.

That's the only reason
why you even give a shit

about any of this.

That's so sweet, Ruby.

So, stop lashing out and start thinking.

You're the smartest girl here.

Use that.

I can't... Look, please.

I get very...

Don't lock me in here.

Your social services file

didn't say anything
about confinement issues.

That filed is sealed. I was a minor.

We do background checks. Good ones.

I don't talk about that stuff.

You let me out.

Chantal has a concussion.

- Oh, my God, is she gonna be okay?
- We don't know.

All we know is that you
pulled her off the wall

like you wanted to kill her.

I'm so sorry. I... I
didn't mean to hurt her.

I swear. It's just sometimes, um...

Sometimes I just can't stop.


I don't know what happened to you.

You know, foster care is a nightmare.

I can only imagine.

But this kind of thing...

İt just makes you seem, well, crazy.

I am not crazy.

The other girls don't
feel safe around you.

If you could just let me out...

Just for a minute.


Did someone hurt you?

I'm gonna need to be sure

that you're not gonna hurt anyone else.

Holy shit.

So, what do we do now?

We go in for the kill.

Hey, Brandi. I'm here to
get you ready for the date.

What date?

You won the obstacle
course, but actually,

I think it's probably just
Darius wanting to say goodbye.

But I haven't even had a chance
to tell him what happened.

Well, Quinn actually said

that you didn't want to
talk about everything.

Are you changing your mind?

Not that. I-I need to explain
that when I grabbed Chantal,

I didn't mean for...

Nobody cares about that.

That's... That's not
gonna make a difference.

That's not fair.

You really want to stay?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Well, then, I think there's
only one thing you can do.

You got to make Darius understand.

You know, you got to
tell him everything...

About all the pain you had growing up.

I think he's gonna
fall in love with you.


You've been through so much,
and you're still a good person.

How would he not fall in love with you?

Good God, she's good.

And the two of you
together are terrifying.

He'll look in your big brown eyes...

- Thank you.
- and that'll be it.

Remind me never to get on your bad side.

Case closed. Call it a wrap.

Rachel, I got it.

I give Brandi my winning smile.

She'll melt just like Chantal.

- Hey, listen to me.
- And we all live happily ever...

Listen to me. Listen, listen, listen.

This isn't some, like, racist chick

you can just hand your shirt.

This is an actual human being

who wants to have a
real connection with you,

so please just give her a chance.

That's all I'm asking.

Of course.

You look beautiful tonight.


All right. Can you just
tilt up the frame a bit?

I might not be directing,

but I know how to frame a shot, Rach.

All right, so just tighten up.

Uh, before we go any further,

there's something I want to say.


I am so, so sorry

about today with Chantal... everything.

That is not who I am.

I... I didn't have a mom.

She gave me up when I was a baby.

Oh. That's so sad.

I've had lots of foster moms.

Some were good, and...
some, not so good.

I get it. My cousin
grew up in the system.

It was hard.

Yeah. Foster moms were one thing.

The dads... that's a whole other story.

Oh, here we go.

There was one.

He used to make me cook for him.

And every mistake I made, he would...

It's okay. It's okay.

Come on, let's go for the gusto.

Let me see.

He had a cigarette, and he'd...


I'm so sorry.

I couldn't stop him.

I tried.

Tears. I got you tears!

- I tried so hard.
- It's okay.

He's gone now.

He's gone now.

And you don't need
anyone to protect you.

Not anymore.

You are a strong, beautiful woman.

That's what you are.



Sistine Chapel going online!

Oh, yeah! I am so hard right now!


I got you.

All right. Come on. Let's do this.

Let's move, people.

We need to prep the elimination.

I need Wagerstein in my office.

We got to put this surprise into action.

Oh, and Rachel, I need Darius
in my office in five minutes.




Hi, Darius.

Uh, I am so sorry,
but we just found out.

Uh, this is Brandi's mother.


Oh. Foster mother.

Her only mother.

But I thought, um...

She told me you gave her away.

Apparently, that is the story
that Brandi likes to tell.

She's, uh... She's had problems.

She's a pathological liar.

So, she wasn't in foster care?

My goodness, no.

And the scars?

She did that to herself.

Oh, my God.

She tells these stories
to get attention.

Well, she definitely got mine.

I'm so sorry. Please,
just let me take her home.

After a day of heartbreak,
of competition gone sour,

it is now time to say goodbye
to four of our contestants.

How do you feel tonight, Darius?

Honestly, Graham, it's been brutal.

But I'm so happy that
Chantal can be with us,

especially after her injury today.

There's obviously no way
she's going home tonight.

In fact, I can't imagine
sending four of you home.

Not after today.

So I'm not going to.

Graham, I'm rewriting the playbook.

I've been thinking a lot about honesty.

Honesty is the most
important thing to me.

Okay, I need you to go tight on Brandi.

No, tighter!

I've heard the truth,
and I've decided to cut...


You lied about foster care today,

- even after I told you about my cousin.
- What?

You lied about everything
your mother, the scars.

That's not right.

- Not right at all.
- I didn't.

Look, I get that you
have some things going on,

but lying to my face like that?

You're not the woman for me.


Darius, I didn't lie.

I told you things I haven't told anyone.

Stop. Stop, stop.

Look. Your mother's right there.

Say hi.

I've never seen that
woman before in my life.

Goodbye, Brandi. We're done.

I didn't lie!

Oh! Oh!

I told you the truth about everything!

Security, security, security!


I didn't lie! Get off me!

Darius, I didn't lie!

I didn't lie!

Get off of me! You guys are crazy!

Get her out of here, guys. Come on.

Don't you touch me!

All of you guys are crazy!

Everyone here is crazy!

Call the Emmys, baby,

because "Everlasting"
is coming to collect.

And Brandi's mother?

Central casting, baby.

Time to celebrate, bitches.

You okay? Yeah, I'm
good. I'm good, I'm good.

I'm fine.

My boy just got owned by a girl

on national television.

What the hell were you thinking?

Making television worth watching.

It's over. Forget about it.

What's done is done.

All I want to do right now is crash.

What, are you kidding me?

I've never seen anything like it.

Hey. Are you all right?

- I'm fine.
- Yeah?

The adults are having
a conversation, Chet.

About what? How to
humiliate a person on TV?

Because we're supposed to
be helping this man's image,

not destroying it.

And what would you know about image?

You can barely dress
yourself in the morning.

So don't just waltz in here
and tell me how to run my show.

I think you mean Coleman's show.

We'll see. Who knows what's gonna happen

after the network sees the
sizzle on today's episode?

Shit's gonna change, all right?

So why don't you just sit back

and continue to play pocket
pool with your little balls?

I have work to do.

Boys, I'm sorry.

I wanted this to be a
positive male experience,

and it turned into the crap that I hate.

We just need to stick together on this.

Chet. Honestly, we're done for today.

You're right.

We'll talk about it at my place.

Uh, look.

Quinn feels like Romeo and I

should move back into the mansion.

It seems easiest for everybody,
so we're gonna hang here.



I didn't lie!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey!

Security, security!

Get off of me!

I told you to truth about everything!

That was awful.


But awful.

You're not worried about
blowback from Brandi?

No. Nobody's gonna believe her.

We've got the lawyers,
the network, the money.

She's just like a disgruntled
contestant who was cut.

You're something else.

I'm choosing to take
that as a compliment.

Well, you should.

Why are you still here?

With your skill.

There's a whole world of
great content out there.

Why are you doing this?

I've actually been pushing
for a black suitor for years.


I think it's like a big moment.

I think it could be an
entire cultural shift

if I can get this story right.

I'm not just walking away from that.

Yeah, I get that.

If you do want to walk away, though,

I can loan you some
money from my trust fund.

You're such a jerk.


Hey, Cynthia. It's me.

Hey, uh, I know that you've
been granted sole custody

and that, uh, he's just a baby.

But I am his father, and I...

I just, I want him to
hear my voice. If...


- Hey.
- Hi.

Uh, I was just coming
by to check on Darius

and make sure that he was okay.

Yeah. No, he's fine.

Okay, great. Well, then can
I just come in and say hi?

He's asleep, Rachel. Like you should be.


See you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.

You've reached Gary. Leave a message.

Hey, Gary. It's Quinn.

I just sent you over a sizzle
reel of what we just shot.

Get ready because, uh,

when that airs tomorrow night,

everybody's gonna be talking about it.

You asked for suicide
ratings without the suicide,

and I got it.

I mean, emphasis on "I."

You know, as in me. As
in all by my lonesome.

As is you can call off your dog, okay?

I don't need him breathing down my neck.

All right. You're welcome.


What are we doing here?

Gary said we'd know it when we see it.

And that could be it.

Oh, he must have a small dick.

Nice ride, am I right?

Gary, looking good, man.

Yeah. Everybody, gather around.

Gather up. I want to talk to you.

Come on in.

Okay, first of all, I
want to say thank you

for all your hard work yesterday.

I've seen some of the footage,

and, uh, I'll tell you,
the episode is great.

It may be one of our best.
And that is because of you.

All of you.


But there is someone I want to thank,

without whom none of
this would be possible,

without whom this show

would be an ordinary
run-of-the-mill reality piece.

But with them, it is extraordinary.

We are breaking boundaries
and getting Gonzo ratings.





- Gary.
- I'm serious.

- Are you...
- Yeah, come on, now.

- Come here.
- This is

- This is too much, man.
- No, no, no.

You deserve it, right?

Wow. Thank you.

Coleman. Everybody.

What a douche bag.

Quinn. A word.

Is this your new
thing? The sucker punch?

Because I brought that
episode. You know I did.

Yeah, you brought it
because Coleman is here

getting you guys to do your best work.

Don't tell me how to do my job

when your number two comes
to me behind your back.

That's right.

Rachel came to me in the
middle of the first episode.

Said you and Chet had no
idea what you were doing,

wanted me to send both of you home,

let her run the show all by herself.

That's why Coleman's here.



You want your hands back on the reins?

Get control of your people, Quinn.

Oh, I will.

Believe me, I will.

Hey, Rachel. Hey.

Can you get out?

What... What's wrong?

Quinn... she just, like,
found out about Gary, and um...

Rachel, come on.

No, she's gonna, like, chop me up

into millions of little pieces.

They're gonna ship me off
to different countries.

- Rachel. Rachel.
- Yeah.

You don't need Quinn.

Don't you get that?

I watched you work today.
You were incredible.

I mean, Quinn and
Chet, they're dinosaurs.

Sure, they can run this show.

They can run "Everlasting."
That's all they can do.

Between you and me, we can make shows

that actually mean something,
shows that people need.


Sorry. Too soon.

I'm sor...

Rachel, where are you?
Darius says he needs you.

Oh, God. I have to go. Right now.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Not, like, coming like that.

I'm not going anywhere.

- Rachel.
- Go.

There's my boy.

Darius, it's Rachel.

Yeah. Come in.

You okay.

Shut the door.