UnREAL (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 2 - Insurgent - full transcript
Quinn and Chet start producing two different versions of Everlasting, forcing the crew to choose a leader as new alliances are formed. Rachel feels her promotion slipping away as the crew ...
May I introduce
“Everlasting’s” next suitor,
pro quarterback Darius!
He's black.
He's like football black.
What about this scandal?
He called that reporter a bitch.
I'm running the show.
I can get you out of your P.R. problem.
You and Quinn blew up
your life last season.
- We worked it out.
- You got paid.
Your mother called. She's
been talking to Jeremy again.
Do you think I really wouldn't come back
- because of you?
- Yeah.
This show is my kingdom.
I'm gonna take it back.
Get off of my set.
Ladies, open your
hearts to your suitor...
Where the hell is my suitor?
You want to talk to him,
you got to deal with me.
Quinn, if I keep following
you around like this,
the crew's gonna have a really hard
time believing I'm the showrunner.
I just got to steer us
past this train wreck
and then I will hand
the show back to you.
I want the girls to come to Darius
in bikinis, poolside cocktails.
Bring Darius to the mansion right now
and I will ditch the evening gowns.
I will give you a pool and the bikinis.
May the best man win.
She usually does.
You have five hours
of hard night, folks.
Ricardo, I love
the new twinkle lights!
Fantastic!
Bikinis?
I wasn't ready for bikinis, Quinn.
I was ready for gowns.
I need to prepare.
You want to complain
to someone, see Chet.
Apparently, he had some
caveman brain fart...
Five hours.
About how to fix something
that wasn't even remotely
close to being broken.
That's fine. If Chet's got
some ideas of taking the show
in a new direction, great.
I've got some long-gestating
thoughts of my own
- I'd like to discuss with him.
- Mm, I'm sure you do.
You know, I can sing, you know.
You know, and I can shoot
ping-pong balls out of my vagina,
but no one wants to see that, either.
Well
Please, stop talking.
Where's Rachel?!
Ping-pong balls out of
the vagina is fantastic.
Give me that. Hey. Rachel?
What part of "five hours of hard night"
did you not understand?
You went 10-1 a half an hour ago.
How long does it take
to take out your tampon
or whatever the hell you're doing?
Hello? Where are you, my pretty?
♪♪
Where is everybody?! Hello?!
Anyone have eyes on Rachel?
Go for Rachel.
Any of you people seen Rachel?
Yeah. I'm right here.
Oh, you want to tell me where you were?
Just needed a minute.
That's great. I hope you feel refreshed.
What do you even want me to
do? I don't have any girls.
You want me to just take
them from Jay and Madison?
Yes. Fine.
Just grab the craziest one
and do your thing, okay?
We promised the network suicide ratings,
and we need to deliver.
- Right.
- Just help me do this,
and I will give you back the show.
Go.
Oh, man. So bummed out right now.
Why? What'd I do?
No. It's what you didn't do.
What is this?
They told us to change into bikinis.
Yes, but, no, no, no. Not this one.
Where's your other one?
The one from Instagram?
The one with the flag on it?
No. The one that you look amazing in.
Come on. That bikini made
us come looking for you.
I don't know. That's kind of
a hometown thing, you know?
Th-There are a lot of, uh...
other kinds of people here.
Are you embarrassed of who you are?
Oh, I'm... I'm not embarrassed. No.
You're not really a proud Southerner.
Oh, my God.
All that stuff you
told me during intake...
Was that all just a lie?
Oh, I-I'm not a liar.
I just thought, "Look at this girl.
This girl, she has got balls."
I do have balls.
Only when you're on the other side
of a computer screen, you've got balls.
This bikini does not scream "balls."
All right. You want me to put it on?
- Yes!
- I'll wear it.
You're crazy.
What the hell is that?!
See?
Come on. This is what I was afraid of.
There is a lot of
misinformation out there.
We need cameras over here now.
A lot of people have
a real misunderstanding
about what this flag is all about.
Oh, you're right. It's me.
I must just be plain ignorant.
It's not an advertisement for racism.
It doesn't say, "Yay! Slavery!"
Come on. Oh, here we go.
- Need people here now.
- You know what? My daddy had family
who fought and died in the Civil War.
And, for the record, it had
nothing to do with slavery.
That is a revisionist crock of...
- Read a book.
- Come on. Where is everyone?
You know what? You might
be ashamed of your heritage,
but I have a feeling that the suitor
is going to appreciate my honesty.
You dumb bitch. He's black.
Where's Jay?
Excuse me.
What are you doing?
I just told you that
stuff in confidence.
What are you doing?
You're gonna put that garbage
on national television?
Yes, so you have
something to push against
- to promote your message.
- Then what's the problem?
You need to do it when
the cameras are on.
Hey. Sorry. I was just helping
Tiffany with her nipple covers.
What's up?
So, if you don't want
me to steal your girls,
can you get your head
out of Tiffany's vagina
and explain to this
ding-dong how the show works?
Okay, relax, Rachel.
You can stop trying to out-Quinn Quinn.
She's back, you know.
Mnh. This is temporary.
Maybe.
I really think that that
bikini's the way to go.
Hey, don't let her silence you.
Freedom of speech is so important.
Hey. You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, but look,
I'm starting to feel
like this is a setup...
Like, I'm just here to fight that girl.
No. Come on, Ruby. You are so important.
Why? Because he asked for me?
What?
Rachel said that the suitor
asked for me specifically.
She also said that I was guaranteed
to make it to the final two,
that I'd have nine weeks
to promote our platform.
I don't know.
You should probably just...
Just tell me, please.
Can I trust her?
No.
Ah, shit.
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
But she's lying to you.
He didn't ask for you. You're just...
You're the angry black bitch
who'll be gone in two episodes,
three if you're lucky.
Oh, my God. What did I just do?
- I dropped out of college for this.
- I'm pissed, too,
and not because I wanted to
watch you "rail against the man"
- for the next nine weeks.
- Excuse me? Is that what you think...
It is a whole new deal this year, Ruby.
If a girl like you ever
had a shot, this is it.
Listen... You really
want to make a difference?
Win this bitch.
That's revolutionary.
How?
I will make it my personal
mission to get you there,
but you have to listen
to me, not Rachel.
Okay?
Okay.
You guys cold?
Freezing!
Okay. Tits up, everybody.
Let's do this!
Yes.
Ugh. Look at this.
The pool looks like a volcano.
Turn the heat down, somebody.
Do you have our train wreck ready?
That's my job, right?
Yeah. For tonight it is.
I feel for you guys. I do.
I saw you got a care
package from your mom.
Did you open it?
Mnh, I did. It's in the trash.
Rachel, you need to be careful.
Quinn taking the show back
could be a real trigger for you,
destabilize you.
Oh, no. You don't
have to worry about it.
We got matching best-friend
tattoos. We're cool.
Uh, guys,
Beth Ann's on the move.
Okay. Here we go.
I need tight shots of Ruby,
Chantal, and, uh, Angry Cop, okay?
Anybody that is not white,
I want you in their faces on my count.
Three, two, one, parka!
Oh, God.
Um, guys...
Shouldn't we say something?
Say something! Why isn't the
Blacktivist saying something?
Come on. Are we really
gonna let this slide?
Yeah. I mean, I'm offended for you.
Patience, ladies.
Little controversy, Quinn? It's good.
- Uh, what did you do to my catfight?
- It's coming.
Okay, well, it better be.
We don't have time to wait around.
Ruby isn't taking the
bait, so forget it.
I'm sorry. Let's reset.
Let's go to the suitor's entrance,
if we even have a suitor.
Ah, relax, will you?
Boys got to undress, too.
How you doing, Wags?
- Great.
- Just cue our moron.
♪♪
Ladies, welcome back to "Everlasting."
Now, in 14 seasons,
I have single-handedly
reintroduced romance
to a love-starved nation.
Oh, yes, you have, Graham.
Yes, you have.
This man is not only
handsome, wealthy, and smart,
but he's also a national hero.
Cameras, I need my wifeys.
I need a close-up on
Tiffany, NFL daddy's girl;
Chantal, our sad sack
with a dead fiancé;
oh, and close-up on, uh, Hot Rachel.
- Quinn, stop.
- That's her name.
Ladies, I urge you, open
your hearts to your suitor,
Darius Beck!
♪♪
We got a runner. Madison, go!
Who is that?
Uh, he's a big quarterback.
He's one of the hottest
players in the league.
♪♪
And Darius' entourage.
- ♪ Bad, bad girls droppin' ♪
- What is... No. No, no, no, no.
- Cut. Cut.
- Keep rolling. Keep rolling.
- ♪ Bad, bad girls droppin' ♪
- What are you doing?
Look, I agreed to one black guy,
but four is just beyond.
I didn't know there was a set amount.
Hot Rachel is funny.
- ♪ All up in the mirror ♪
- Thanks.
♪ Look, she feelin' herself ♪
♪ She walkin' that walk ♪
Listen, did you do any
paperwork on these sidedicks?
Paperwork...
Confiscate their cellphones?
Do any background checks?
'Cause they are total liabilities, Chet.
- Sidedicks?
- Cut! I said cut the damn music!
No! No! Leave it on! Leave it on!
You've clearly learned nothing
in your 14 seasons of...
Looks like Mom and
Dad are fighting again.
Quasi-producing your own show,
because, let me tell
you, you can't play music.
There's no way to edit around it.
Jeremy! Get me a tight on Darius.
He is our prince, supposedly.
No, no, no! No, no, no! No. Stay wide.
I want scope. I want the party, man.
No more of this pansy-ass
Cinderella bullshit, man!
Guys, my crew's gonna mutiny.
Who's... Who's in charge here?
- I am.
- I am.
Look, I don't want to fight, okay?
So why don't you shoot your
show, I'll shoot my show?
We'll turn them both in to the network.
We'll see which one they prefer...
The entertaining one or yours.
You're so on. Rachel, come on.
Quinn, I just want to
go on the record and say
that I do not feel comfortable
about where this is headed.
Oh! Okay.
What record?
- There's no record.
- Uh, hey!
Uh, guys, Rachel's
gonna go on the record!
You know what, Jeremy?
I need some one-on-ones
- over at the gazebo, please?
- Go ahead, Jeremy.
You know, just go into the henhouse
and let your sack shrivel up.
This henhouse made him.
Do you think a B camera 2nd AC
can grow up and become a DP
in less than five years on
any other show in Hollywood?
So he's supposed to spend
the rest of his career
bowing to the mercy of your twat?!
- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry. That was out of line.
Your twat!
- Excuse me?
- Chet.
Don't "Chet" me.
Do you not want to be a
director? Did we not talk?
Yes.
So you really need one of these harpies
squawking into your
earpiece all night long?
No. You know what to shoot.
Get a pair! Walk with purpose.
I'm going with Chet!
'Course you are.
Okay. Hey, Bill!
It's Barry.
Barry. Right.
You have a kid in college.
Actually, it's preschool.
Whatever. It's 5 grand
for you to come to
Team We Know What The Hell We're Doing.
Ticktock, buddy.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
And have a great night.
Come on, Rachel. Let's go.
All right. Come on.
We'll shoot these guys.
This is gonna look like
nobody is in charge.
Yeah, but he should've never
been allowed on the set.
After the fiasco of
last season's finale...
He's like a freakin' whack-a-mole.
Fine. Just call the network, then.
- Tell them.
- It's not the network.
It's Gary, his golfing buddy.
They go skiing together at Park City.
You know what?
Let me just talk to Darius.
- I can talk some sense...
- No. This is grown-up time, all right?
Way over your head. What do you want?
Beth Ann's locked in her
bathroom and she won't let me in.
Go. Fix it.
Quinn. Hey.
You know, um, Chet's guy thing?
Stop talking to me!
Beth Ann, it's Rachel. Can I come in?
No.
- Stupid idiot.
- I'm sorry.
All right. What's the problem?
Hmm? You knew the guy was black.
I didn't know that it was Darius Beck.
We love him... Like, worship him.
He is literally my
favorite quarterback ever.
You got to find my bag.
I need to change.
Unh-unh. No. You can't do that.
Can't you just cut me
out of the opening scene,
make it like I was never even there?
And what? Are you just
gonna let the PC police win?
You know, I was not raised to be rude.
Besides, I like Darius.
I want him to like me.
I mean, this is better than I
ever thought this show could be.
Racism is so confusing, isn't it?
So, are you gonna let me change?
You can't do that.
Darius has already seen
you in that bathing suit,
and plus, all those other girls
are just gonna blend into one.
At least you're gonna stand out,
and he's gonna know who you are.
You have a real golden opportunity here.
Right, and what's the
worst that can happen?
He meets you and falls in love with you,
and, like, marries you
and has all your babies?
Right? Now let's get back out there.
Can I keep my jacket?
Come on. Let's go.
Hey. You're a cop, right?
Can't you just arrest her?
I'm an MMA fighter.
Do you want me to just
beat the crap out of her?
Cop. Right. I'm guessing that's a "no."
♪♪
Ooh. Gosh. Really classy.
You didn't seem to mind in Vegas.
So, hey, hey. You guys,
uh... You guys hooked up?
Oh, yeah, but it was no big deal.
But that girl is a freak
couldn't get enough.
She is crazy.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah. No, I do.
She's got a doctor's note
that says the same thing.
She got problems, man.
Um, Madison, there's girl-on-girl action
in the hot tub, which is
good and dandy and everything,
but this particular
party is about penis.
I'm telling you,
this is going to be the
best night of your...
Hey, guys. Just get out
of here, please. Thank you.
But Chet said I could
loosen things up a bit.
I know. I love the frat-party vibe.
It's great, but right now we
got to talk to some ladies.
- Her name is Beth Ann.
- Beth Ann.
Here she is. Here, sweetie.
Let me take your coat for you.
- How you doing, Beth Ann?
- Okay.
- There you go.
- Wait! Okay.
First off, I have to say I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology.
I've dreamt of meeting you
probably about a zillion times,
and I definitely wasn't wearing
this in any of those dreams.
Right. Okay.
I love where I'm from.
I do, but I know that this flag
pushes a lot of buttons for your people.
- My people?
- No. That... That's not what I meant.
It came out wrong. It's
just, Darius, this is a party,
and... and we're supposed to
be having a good time, so...
Right.
So if what I'm wearing offends you,
then there really is
only one thing that I can do,
and it's real simple.
Whoo!
Oh, my God.
Slut.
I feel so much better.
How 'bout you? How do you feel?
Oh.
I feel better, too.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
That's really sweet.
- Here, let me button that for you.
- Sorry.
It's not a catfight, but I can
turn that hot mess into gold.
Don't cover the boobies!
Oh, we missed the boobies!
It's like a tree falling in the forest.
Oh, we have them on camera.
You did, uh, girl-on-girl
action in the hot tub, right?
False alarm.
So, that's how you're
gonna play it, huh?
Oh, come on.
Getting what you want... That's
what the show's all about.
You created it, remember?
It's your kingdom.
Come and get it.
♪♪
I'm sorry, but I cannot
physically stop myself
from saying something.
Will you compose yourself?
Just take a breath.
No. Absolutely not.
I stood there like a good,
quiet, little Negro for you,
but that shirt business was too much.
He was just being a gentleman.
He was being a pussy.
Look, your long game might make sense,
but why the hell would
I want to stick around
to fake fall in love with that sellout?
Look, I get it, okay? Believe me.
But the only reason
Darius is on the show
is to repair his image,
and that shirt move
is exactly the kind of nonsense
that's gonna do it. I'm serious.
Marketing will be
focus-grouping the hashtag
before the end of the night.
# IAmAPussy.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
Who knows how long
Beth Ann will actually
stick around for, okay?
She's not gonna win.
Even Obama had to make compromises.
Not with the Confederate Flag. Ever.
Look, if Darius wants to cut
me for having a point of view
that he should have himself, so be it.
At least I'll go home with my dignity.
All right, so tell me what happened
with my catfight and the parka.
I don't know. My girl was ready to go,
and then Ruby just didn't take the bait.
Or Jay told her not to.
Look, this job is so
important to me, and I just...
I really want to be good at
it, and basically be like you.
Okay, Madison. No, having you in my ear,
taking down Chantal, that was
like a drug or an orgasm or...
Okay.
All I know is I want more.
And you're Quinn now,
so let me be Rachel.
Knock yourself out.
Really?
Yeah.
No. N-N-N-No.
Ruby, stop.
You can't wear this on
camera. It's a copyright issue.
Watch me.
Jesus.
Hey, Ruby.
Looky, looky. What do you see?
- She's a wifey.
- Exactly.
That's Quinn's golden
goose right there...
unattended, ripe for the picking.
She is exactly what Quinn needs
in order to build her vagina of a show.
Without a wifey, Quinn's got nothing.
Watch and learn, my
friend. Watch and learn.
- Okay, so are we gonna finish?
- Thank you. It was very good.
- Perfect.
- They don't even ask me a question.
You are the hottest girl here.
Why am I completely flaccid?
I'm not even kidding.
Feel this. I got nothing.
And now I want to be here even less.
What is it? Hormones?
Do you eat a lot of processed cheese?
I want to help you.
I'm very good at this.
There is nothing wrong
with me. This is about him.
Did my dad call you?
Ask you to put me on the show?
Because your dad is...?
A team owner who knows that Darius
has a contract negotiation coming up...
And while he can't talk
to him directly, I sure can.
- Hm.
- So typical of him, you know...
Using me as bait to get what he wants.
I-I came on this show to
get away from football,
to get out of my father's shadow,
to create something separate for myself.
Well, you should totally do that.
This is America after all.
No. I'm just gonna
fade into the woodwork
until Darius sends me home.
Quinn would never let Darius cut you.
You know why? 'Cause you're
what they call a "wifey."
That is what everybody
thinks. I am so not that girl.
Well, prove it. If you
really want to go home,
there is one thing pretty much every guy
across the board does not want
their potential wife to do.
Yeah? What's that? Screw their friends?
Go big and go home, baby.
- Rachel.
- Yes?
You're Rachel, right?
Wow. You are totally cute,
and can I just say, thank God.
Oh, wow.
Everyone keeps saying
how much we look alike.
Yeah, that's not exactly
what they're saying.
- Hey, Rach. Hi. Just one second.
- What?
Just want to know what you
want to do about the rain.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Seriously? You need to talk to Chet.
- Wait. I'm not talking to...
- You need to talk to Chet.
It's totally embarrassing
and completely inaccurate.
I mean, I'm just
wearing a ton of makeup.
Yeah. Totally.
And I mean, is it really
such a freakish thing to have
two smart, brown-haired,
East Coast Jews in the same place?
Well, I'm not from the East Coast,
- So...
- Really?
You have such a New York vibe.
Where'd you go to college?
Vassar.
Oh, my God.
I've got a ton of friends
who went to Vassar.
Is there something that you want, Yael.
Can we be honest? I mean, can we talk?
You mean like a Hebe to Hebe?
Help a sister out.
This guy is hot,
and he hasn't even looked at me.
I just need some advice.
You know the show. What would you do?
You want my advice? Come here.
You see your producer, Madison?
The one holding the shirt?
You stick with her.
That girl is a genius.
Can I steal him?
I'm sorry. Can you put this on?
Otherwise, I'm not gonna be
able to look you in the eye.
The rest of you is just too...
distracting.
All right, I'll put this on.
These two are like Ken and Barbie.
- I love them.
- Ugh.
It's called a cotillion.
My mom has been planning mine
since the day I was born.
Ah, that's sweet.
I bet you look amazing in a tux.
Well, my mother says
I do clean up nicely.
I'm sure you do.
Come here.
Um...
What? Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah. I-I just...
never do that on the first date.
- Bam!
- We can take it slow.
That's a black wifey. That's a blifey.
Okay, you can pat
your liberal white self
on the back later, all right?
Hi, Darius. Could I
talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, let's talk
about that t-shirt, Darius.
Nice shirt.
Well, hello, there.
Can I get you something to drink or...?
Yeah.
No. Look, I, um, just
wanted to talk to you.
Let me guess... this is
not your scene, is it?
No.
Look, I'm not really
sure what I'm doing here.
I mean, I just watched you create
some racial rainbow moment
with a bitch in a damn
Confederate Flag bikini, so...
Finally, some conflict.
This means something.
This has a point of view.
I think we should just put
this entire thing in the cut.
I mean, at least to the part
where she calls her a bitch,
because the rest is a little PBS.
I mean, I know you think you're
televising the revolution,
but what we need right
now are wet panties.
Where is Tiffany, my NFL girl?
Oh! Ah!
Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Go. That's my wifey!
Go, Rachel. Go!
Get her. Find her.
Kno... No, no, no, no, no!
Get off your knees!
Sta... Wi... I need a walkie! No! No!
Of course this is your
version of a good idea.
- Oh, gosh!
- Hi.
Please stay right here.
Do not talk to anyone.
Do not talk to Chet.
What are you doing?
Sorry, Rach. You jealous?
Please don't flatter yourself.
You really think that
that's gonna help Darius?
I'm just having a good time.
Mm-hmm. Yes. Chet is manipulating you.
And you're not?
As far as I can tell, everyone's
manipulating everybody.
Yes, but I am the only one
that is doing it for the right reasons.
You can't tell Darius about
hooking up with Tiffany.
Why not?
'Cause if you want
that sportscaster deal
and all that stuff
that Chet promised you,
she's what you need to make it happen.
Okay? The girl is blonde,
beautiful, rich, and white.
If a girl like that forgives
you, America forgives you.
Not a word.
Pervert.
We have two hours
hard night left, folks.
Okay, look,
I don't know what you expected,
but I'm not just going to
do whatever my dad wants.
He can't offer me up as
some kind of marketing ploy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I really, honestly, have no idea
what you're talking about right now.
You applied, I found you.
Wait, no. You didn't talk to my dad?
I didn't talk to your dad.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that just felt like
something that he would do, you know?
I mean, I thought I
got into Wharton, too,
until I found out that
he made some phone calls.
Oh, my God, your dad
helped you get into Wharton?
Ugh. Rich-girl problems are the worst.
Look, you may have called,
but I still said yes.
I was excited to come here.
I actually thought that
I might meet someone.
Oh, and you did.
No, you guys ruined that night one.
Come on. Darius is still a person.
Darius is a football player.
- And?
- I don't want to be a football wife.
I have done that my
entire life with my dad.
I smile, I keep my mouth shut,
provide excellent arm
candy, and I am done.
But if you don't want
people to judge you
or make assumptions about you,
then you can't do that to Darius.
You're saying he's
not a football player?
I'm just saying that you
have no idea what he is.
He could be anything. The
guy could be your soul mate.
Crazier things have happened.
I just think you should make
yourself open to the experience.
I'm just saying. He's a really good guy.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to pray to God
that Romeo keeps his mouth shut
and none of that stuff makes it to air.
You have to help me.
Jay, enough
of the black activist.
- Get my wifey in there.
- This is all you. Go, go, go!
Listen, why don't we discuss...
Hi.
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Can I steal you for a minute?
Definitely.
I think we were done here, right?
Okay.
And besides, I've been
meaning to talk to you anyway.
You know nothing about Texas.
I'm from Texas. I grew up there.
No, I've... Doesn't matter.
I spent my entire career in Texas.
- I know Texas.
- No, no, no, no, no. I love Texas...
- Okay.
- But you have to admit,
barbecue was decidedly second-rate.
You haven't been to
County Line, have you?
No, yes, I have. My dad took me there.
Yo...
Look, why don't we knock all this off
and just talk about the
elephant in the room?
I thought you shut that down, Rachel.
If you didn't protect my wifey,
we're gonna have a real problem.
I know your dad owns the
team that happens to be
our biggest competition in the league.
He's been cock-blocking us for
years with his deep pockets.
My dad.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay. You want to go there?
When are you gonna get out of the box
and start using your damn legs?
Your footwork is terrible.
It was a pleasure meeting
you. You're eliminated.
Oh, no!
How could you do me like that?
This is the show, Rachel.
- Thank God I'm here.
- You know what?
I've been running around
for you all night, okay?
I got you these girls.
And you lost the suitor.
You did all the small parts,
but you screwed up the biggest part.
Do you think that I ran
around yelling at you
all of those years for fun?
I set this up for you,
but you need to deliver.
Okay, well, you need to let me.
- Let you?
- Yes. Let me.
It takes an iron spine
and a steady hand to do this job.
I don't know.
Maybe your mother was right.
What?
I mean, come on.
We all know you've had... episodes.
You're great...
until you're not.
But you got a couple of
whirligigs in there, you know?
Which was fine before,
but not so much if you
want to be the boss.
Did she call you?
Are you talking to my mother?
Let's just forget it.
Why don't you just get back out there
and make yourself useful?
Rachel?
Oh, so you're smoking now?
Cool.
So you're just gonna become Quinn.
Got it. That makes so much more sense.
When can I expect the haircut?
Not that you got the
cheekbones to pull it off.
Jesus Christ, Rachel,
you shouldn't be here.
Where'd you want me to go?
Did you want me to just
quit when Quinn came back?
I don't know. Maybe.
I mean, that would've
been one way to say
there's at least some
shit you won't eat.
And what about you?
I thought ' you would appreciate me
trying to be at least
a tiny bit subversive.
- But instead, you just completely
- Subversive? What does that even
pussied out on Ruby from the beginning.
Dude, you used your own
self-loathing about working here
as some sort of justification
for letting her go.
- It's like you are deliberately...
- Can we stop fighting, please?
- Trying to sabotage me. What is it?
- I am the wrong target, Rach.
Are you jealous that I got
promoted instead of you?
Is that what this is about?
It's not that I'm jealous of you,
because I don't believe
you actually got promoted.
I'm your boss.
As long as Quinn's around,
she's my boss, and she's your boss, too.
Wake up, Rachel,
because Quinn is never
leaving this place...
Not until you pry "Everlasting"
out of her cold, dead hands.
Hey, Rach. You all right?
Cool. Uh, well, we need
to take this to set, so...
Guys, hurry up. Hustle.
We got to take this to set. Let's go.
Okay.
♪♪
Thank you. You
were great. That was awesome.
Psht.
It's sad to watch you sully your
temple with chemicals and crap.
By the way, I saw the butch little thing
you had going with Tiffany.
I don't know what you promised her,
but I got her playing tonsil
hockey with the cousin.
I intend to air it.
Ahh. Then, of course,
it's bye-bye, wifey.
You know, please understand
that nothing you cobble together
will ever make it to air,
because what America wants and
what the network knows they want
is a fairy tale,
and I don't care what guru,
transformational bullshit
you're into now, but you are emotionally
and physically incapable of
delivering that to anyone.
- Come on.
- No.
You need to make America feel something,
and the only thing that can do that
is an honest-to-God wifey
- who is demure and supportive...
- Demure?
And, most importantly, worthy.
But unfortunately,
you wouldn't know one of those
if she slapped you in the face.
Maybe you should try being a wifey
before you lecture me about what one is.
You don't seem to be able
to drag yourself across
that line, either.
Do you, Quinnie?
Oh, no! Yael!
- Barry! Barry, get on that!
- Jeremy, got on it!
- Uh, Rachel?!
- Someone, help her!
Barry, are you on it?!
You getting it?!
Film that! Zoom in! Zoom in!
- Barry, get on that!
- Jeremy, stay on it!
It's okay.
Yes! That is a fairy tale.
Where the hell is Rachel?!
♪♪
Okay?
Hey. Ooh. You all right?
I'm fine, man.
No. I'll take his.
This is Dr. Wagerstein's healing nook.
You guys don't have
pictures or anything?
How am I supposed to
remember these girls' names?
- What's this?
- Here. Cheat sheet.
A cheat sheet.
You just get to pick
the one you want to pick.
Long as you pick the titty girl.
Oh, you mean the racist?
No. I mean, the Blondie.
You know, the one who
put herself out there
to make things right.
Oh, America dig that kind of thing...
You know, second chances and redemption.
- White girls.
- White girls.
Tiffany. She's pretty awesome.
I don't know. Maybe not so awesome.
Huh, Romeo?
What? What's going on?
Are you sure that you're okay?
I mean, if you need to, I
can call you a doctor or...
I'm fine.
- Really?
- Madison, you read my file, right?
You know I swam for Sarah
Lawrence all four years?
I anchored the 200 meter relay.
So... what? You You just...
I slipped. Oops.
Got Darius to notice me.
Your bosses seemed to love it.
Guess it was a win for both of us.
Thank you, but...
Listen, I know what it's
like to want to impress a boss
in a highly competitive environment.
I can help you do that.
Just... help me.
Get me some alone time...
Maybe a one-on-one date?
Okay, people,
let's cut these bitches.
Are you okay with me calling all the shots,
or would you like to do that, too?
I think we both know that you're...
You're better at that than I am.
Three, two, one. Rolling.
Ladies, 26 of you came here
tonight with an open heart...
- Hey, editors, make sure you
- and high hopes
- just cut this all up...
- for a journey of a lifetime.
Make it far more interesting
than it really is.
You'll share a brief moment with him
- while he hands you a bracelet.
- Why don't you go and be useful?
If you don't hear your name called,
it's time to say goodbye. Darius?
This has truly been an
incredible night for me.
I feel like the luckiest
man in the world.
With that said...
- Camera B, are you asleep?...
- Yael.
Hayley. Jameson.
- Dominique. Brandi.
- Now it's getting real.
- London.
- She's not wearing her scarf.
Chantal.
Beth Ann.
Oh, yes!
Crazy white trash will
live to see another day!
- Praise the Lord!
- Yes!
Come on. Let's go. Walk a little faster.
Give me a wifey, because this looks like
a freakin' Benetton ad, all right?
And I am not pinning all
my hopes on Hot Rachel.
It's, uh... It's weird that
he's not picking Tiffany.
Ruby.
All right. Ruby.
So, just might get
my catfight after all.
"I can't breathe." I need that shirt.
Beth Ann? Really?
They made me keep her.
They make you keep me, too?
No.
But how am I gonna go in the locker room
and face my teammates if
I cut a girl wearing that?
Well, I got a lot more
where these came from.
You might actually learn a thing or two.
I look forward to it.
All right, I got enough black girls.
Give me some white girls.
Holly. Phaedra.
Courtney. Zoe.
Darius, we are down
to our final bracelet.
Last bracelet.
My final bracelet for
this evening goes to...
Tiffany.
Ha ha. Tiffany. Yes!
At least we got a wifey.
I knew it.
You know, I don't get
picked last for anything.
I'm just glad you're here.
Ladies...
your journey ends here.
- Good night.
- And that's a cut!
Put those girls in coats.
Show's over, everybody.
Ladies, uh, before you leave,
I'm having a party in my place.
Can you shut down that party,
and can you lock Graham
in his room, please?
This could be a good
season after all, everybody.
♪ If I were a fool, fool, fool ♪
♪ I believe you, you, you ♪
♪ But I ♪
♪ I ain't a fool, fool, fool ♪
♪ A crying shame, shame, shame ♪
♪ It's just a game, game, game ♪
What are you doing here?
Something wrong?
Why aren't you guys shooting?
Is there a problem?
There doesn't have to be.
I'm really sorry to
bother you with this.
I didn't know where else to turn.
Now, I mean, I know
that I'm breaking rank
and that this is awkward at best,
but my two bosses are
at each other's throats.
- Who? Chet?
- Yeah. And Quinn.
I mean, you know their
history, right, Gary?
Yeah.
Okay. So, it's gotten crazy
ugly between the two of them.
I mean, look, I owe them my career.
I love them. I do,
but I love this show even more,
and I really want it to continue,
and at this point, I'm
just not sure it will.
Sorry.
They're making two different
versions of the show,
and they're leaving it up to
you to pick which one you prefer.
What?
And, look, I know that you just
gave Quinn this huge overall deal
and Chet's always been a
big-picture kind of guy.
But, Gary,
I'm really the one that has been
boots-on-the-ground,
delivering story after story
for you every year,
and, I mean, this year,
because of me, we're actually
gonna be making history.
You know, I just don't
think that we can leave it
up to Chet and Quinn
to mess this up for us.
I should give them a call.
You should give them a call. Yeah.
I already told Quinn to call
you and reach out to you,
but she said there was no point,
because, you know, you and Chet,
you guys are, you know, tight.
You're bros.
Uh, isn't Quinn your mentor?
Yeah. She was. She was.
I mean, Gary,
I'm running the show this year,
but with them fighting, I just...
I can't produce it with them on set.
You just need to send them home,
give them some time to cool off.
They have trained me so well.
You are in such good hands.
Trust me. I have got your back, Gary.
I can do this. I'm ready.
No, no, man. It's too much talking.
It's like a Merchant Ivory movie.
Cut to the titty shot, already.
We don't have the titty shot.
Well, Google it!
I don't know what to tell you.
Just double cut it. Blow it up.
Slow it down. Okay.
I need you to make it look like
there was a real moment here, okay?
♪♪
Ha ha! Thank you.
That is how you look at a woman.
It's like a damn
instruction manual over here.
And let her rip. Let's see it.
The apocalypse.
♪♪
What in the hell are you guys doing?
- Gary.
- No. I-I-I-I'm sorry, Chet.
This train is off the rails.
No. He's off the rails.
Really, Quinn? Well, then, why
didn't you pick up the phone?
Because that's what an
executive producer would do.
All right? You've got women in
bikinis on the
- North Pole up there!
- It was his idea!
Listen to me. Listen to me!
From what I hear, you've
let your personal problems
get in the way of the job.
Now, we need this show,
and until you can get
your eye back on the ball,
I'm putting someone else in charge.
Uh, excuse me?
Yeah. Someone who knows
how to tell a story.
Someone who can give the American public
what they expect every season
from this show we all love.
Oh, really. And who might that be?
Coleman Wasserman, come in here, please.
- Come here, buddy.
- Hey, Gary.
Now, if you don't know who this guy is,
you should, because we have
been looking for a chance
to do something with this guy for ages.
Everything he does on "Blink" blows up..
10 million viewers in
the first week alone.
- Gary, come on.
- No, no, no, no.
Blink is gonna become a
network because of this guy.
Oh, come on, Gary. This
is totally unnecessary.
Do you have any idea how much money
I've made for you over the years, huh?!
No, no. What you've made,
Chet, is a well-oiled machine
that needs someone strong at the helm.
Look, either you get on
board, buddy, or you go home,
because he is the one in charge now.
All right? I leave it with you.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Look, I'm excited to get to work here.
Hey. Hey. Uh, Chet.
One second.
Look, I see what you're both going for.
There's merit in both versions.
For now, I think I want to
lean into what Chet's doing.
Thanks, man.
"EverBlasting."
Okay. Yeah.
Whatever that is. Can't wait.
- We'll talk.
- Yeah.
All right.
So nice to meet you.
- Madison.
- Madison.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I actually know who you are.
I saw that displaced Cambodian
sex worker series you did.
- It was very good.
- You just Googled that.
No. I didn't.
Believe it or not, I am
interested in a lot more
than just "Everlasting."
Oh, I believe it.
I know who you are, too.
Gary said you and
Quinn make a great team.
Well, you know, we've
been working together
for a long time, so... yeah.
I'm guessing she doesn't know
that you're the one
who complained to the network
and brought me here.
Phew!
I got to say that's a baller move.
Sounds like something I would've done.
But didn't exactly work out
the way you wanted
it to, though, did it?
'Cause instead you got me.
This is gonna be fun.
See ya.
“Everlasting’s” next suitor,
pro quarterback Darius!
He's black.
He's like football black.
What about this scandal?
He called that reporter a bitch.
I'm running the show.
I can get you out of your P.R. problem.
You and Quinn blew up
your life last season.
- We worked it out.
- You got paid.
Your mother called. She's
been talking to Jeremy again.
Do you think I really wouldn't come back
- because of you?
- Yeah.
This show is my kingdom.
I'm gonna take it back.
Get off of my set.
Ladies, open your
hearts to your suitor...
Where the hell is my suitor?
You want to talk to him,
you got to deal with me.
Quinn, if I keep following
you around like this,
the crew's gonna have a really hard
time believing I'm the showrunner.
I just got to steer us
past this train wreck
and then I will hand
the show back to you.
I want the girls to come to Darius
in bikinis, poolside cocktails.
Bring Darius to the mansion right now
and I will ditch the evening gowns.
I will give you a pool and the bikinis.
May the best man win.
She usually does.
You have five hours
of hard night, folks.
Ricardo, I love
the new twinkle lights!
Fantastic!
Bikinis?
I wasn't ready for bikinis, Quinn.
I was ready for gowns.
I need to prepare.
You want to complain
to someone, see Chet.
Apparently, he had some
caveman brain fart...
Five hours.
About how to fix something
that wasn't even remotely
close to being broken.
That's fine. If Chet's got
some ideas of taking the show
in a new direction, great.
I've got some long-gestating
thoughts of my own
- I'd like to discuss with him.
- Mm, I'm sure you do.
You know, I can sing, you know.
You know, and I can shoot
ping-pong balls out of my vagina,
but no one wants to see that, either.
Well
Please, stop talking.
Where's Rachel?!
Ping-pong balls out of
the vagina is fantastic.
Give me that. Hey. Rachel?
What part of "five hours of hard night"
did you not understand?
You went 10-1 a half an hour ago.
How long does it take
to take out your tampon
or whatever the hell you're doing?
Hello? Where are you, my pretty?
♪♪
Where is everybody?! Hello?!
Anyone have eyes on Rachel?
Go for Rachel.
Any of you people seen Rachel?
Yeah. I'm right here.
Oh, you want to tell me where you were?
Just needed a minute.
That's great. I hope you feel refreshed.
What do you even want me to
do? I don't have any girls.
You want me to just take
them from Jay and Madison?
Yes. Fine.
Just grab the craziest one
and do your thing, okay?
We promised the network suicide ratings,
and we need to deliver.
- Right.
- Just help me do this,
and I will give you back the show.
Go.
Oh, man. So bummed out right now.
Why? What'd I do?
No. It's what you didn't do.
What is this?
They told us to change into bikinis.
Yes, but, no, no, no. Not this one.
Where's your other one?
The one from Instagram?
The one with the flag on it?
No. The one that you look amazing in.
Come on. That bikini made
us come looking for you.
I don't know. That's kind of
a hometown thing, you know?
Th-There are a lot of, uh...
other kinds of people here.
Are you embarrassed of who you are?
Oh, I'm... I'm not embarrassed. No.
You're not really a proud Southerner.
Oh, my God.
All that stuff you
told me during intake...
Was that all just a lie?
Oh, I-I'm not a liar.
I just thought, "Look at this girl.
This girl, she has got balls."
I do have balls.
Only when you're on the other side
of a computer screen, you've got balls.
This bikini does not scream "balls."
All right. You want me to put it on?
- Yes!
- I'll wear it.
You're crazy.
What the hell is that?!
See?
Come on. This is what I was afraid of.
There is a lot of
misinformation out there.
We need cameras over here now.
A lot of people have
a real misunderstanding
about what this flag is all about.
Oh, you're right. It's me.
I must just be plain ignorant.
It's not an advertisement for racism.
It doesn't say, "Yay! Slavery!"
Come on. Oh, here we go.
- Need people here now.
- You know what? My daddy had family
who fought and died in the Civil War.
And, for the record, it had
nothing to do with slavery.
That is a revisionist crock of...
- Read a book.
- Come on. Where is everyone?
You know what? You might
be ashamed of your heritage,
but I have a feeling that the suitor
is going to appreciate my honesty.
You dumb bitch. He's black.
Where's Jay?
Excuse me.
What are you doing?
I just told you that
stuff in confidence.
What are you doing?
You're gonna put that garbage
on national television?
Yes, so you have
something to push against
- to promote your message.
- Then what's the problem?
You need to do it when
the cameras are on.
Hey. Sorry. I was just helping
Tiffany with her nipple covers.
What's up?
So, if you don't want
me to steal your girls,
can you get your head
out of Tiffany's vagina
and explain to this
ding-dong how the show works?
Okay, relax, Rachel.
You can stop trying to out-Quinn Quinn.
She's back, you know.
Mnh. This is temporary.
Maybe.
I really think that that
bikini's the way to go.
Hey, don't let her silence you.
Freedom of speech is so important.
Hey. You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, but look,
I'm starting to feel
like this is a setup...
Like, I'm just here to fight that girl.
No. Come on, Ruby. You are so important.
Why? Because he asked for me?
What?
Rachel said that the suitor
asked for me specifically.
She also said that I was guaranteed
to make it to the final two,
that I'd have nine weeks
to promote our platform.
I don't know.
You should probably just...
Just tell me, please.
Can I trust her?
No.
Ah, shit.
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
But she's lying to you.
He didn't ask for you. You're just...
You're the angry black bitch
who'll be gone in two episodes,
three if you're lucky.
Oh, my God. What did I just do?
- I dropped out of college for this.
- I'm pissed, too,
and not because I wanted to
watch you "rail against the man"
- for the next nine weeks.
- Excuse me? Is that what you think...
It is a whole new deal this year, Ruby.
If a girl like you ever
had a shot, this is it.
Listen... You really
want to make a difference?
Win this bitch.
That's revolutionary.
How?
I will make it my personal
mission to get you there,
but you have to listen
to me, not Rachel.
Okay?
Okay.
You guys cold?
Freezing!
Okay. Tits up, everybody.
Let's do this!
Yes.
Ugh. Look at this.
The pool looks like a volcano.
Turn the heat down, somebody.
Do you have our train wreck ready?
That's my job, right?
Yeah. For tonight it is.
I feel for you guys. I do.
I saw you got a care
package from your mom.
Did you open it?
Mnh, I did. It's in the trash.
Rachel, you need to be careful.
Quinn taking the show back
could be a real trigger for you,
destabilize you.
Oh, no. You don't
have to worry about it.
We got matching best-friend
tattoos. We're cool.
Uh, guys,
Beth Ann's on the move.
Okay. Here we go.
I need tight shots of Ruby,
Chantal, and, uh, Angry Cop, okay?
Anybody that is not white,
I want you in their faces on my count.
Three, two, one, parka!
Oh, God.
Um, guys...
Shouldn't we say something?
Say something! Why isn't the
Blacktivist saying something?
Come on. Are we really
gonna let this slide?
Yeah. I mean, I'm offended for you.
Patience, ladies.
Little controversy, Quinn? It's good.
- Uh, what did you do to my catfight?
- It's coming.
Okay, well, it better be.
We don't have time to wait around.
Ruby isn't taking the
bait, so forget it.
I'm sorry. Let's reset.
Let's go to the suitor's entrance,
if we even have a suitor.
Ah, relax, will you?
Boys got to undress, too.
How you doing, Wags?
- Great.
- Just cue our moron.
♪♪
Ladies, welcome back to "Everlasting."
Now, in 14 seasons,
I have single-handedly
reintroduced romance
to a love-starved nation.
Oh, yes, you have, Graham.
Yes, you have.
This man is not only
handsome, wealthy, and smart,
but he's also a national hero.
Cameras, I need my wifeys.
I need a close-up on
Tiffany, NFL daddy's girl;
Chantal, our sad sack
with a dead fiancé;
oh, and close-up on, uh, Hot Rachel.
- Quinn, stop.
- That's her name.
Ladies, I urge you, open
your hearts to your suitor,
Darius Beck!
♪♪
We got a runner. Madison, go!
Who is that?
Uh, he's a big quarterback.
He's one of the hottest
players in the league.
♪♪
And Darius' entourage.
- ♪ Bad, bad girls droppin' ♪
- What is... No. No, no, no, no.
- Cut. Cut.
- Keep rolling. Keep rolling.
- ♪ Bad, bad girls droppin' ♪
- What are you doing?
Look, I agreed to one black guy,
but four is just beyond.
I didn't know there was a set amount.
Hot Rachel is funny.
- ♪ All up in the mirror ♪
- Thanks.
♪ Look, she feelin' herself ♪
♪ She walkin' that walk ♪
Listen, did you do any
paperwork on these sidedicks?
Paperwork...
Confiscate their cellphones?
Do any background checks?
'Cause they are total liabilities, Chet.
- Sidedicks?
- Cut! I said cut the damn music!
No! No! Leave it on! Leave it on!
You've clearly learned nothing
in your 14 seasons of...
Looks like Mom and
Dad are fighting again.
Quasi-producing your own show,
because, let me tell
you, you can't play music.
There's no way to edit around it.
Jeremy! Get me a tight on Darius.
He is our prince, supposedly.
No, no, no! No, no, no! No. Stay wide.
I want scope. I want the party, man.
No more of this pansy-ass
Cinderella bullshit, man!
Guys, my crew's gonna mutiny.
Who's... Who's in charge here?
- I am.
- I am.
Look, I don't want to fight, okay?
So why don't you shoot your
show, I'll shoot my show?
We'll turn them both in to the network.
We'll see which one they prefer...
The entertaining one or yours.
You're so on. Rachel, come on.
Quinn, I just want to
go on the record and say
that I do not feel comfortable
about where this is headed.
Oh! Okay.
What record?
- There's no record.
- Uh, hey!
Uh, guys, Rachel's
gonna go on the record!
You know what, Jeremy?
I need some one-on-ones
- over at the gazebo, please?
- Go ahead, Jeremy.
You know, just go into the henhouse
and let your sack shrivel up.
This henhouse made him.
Do you think a B camera 2nd AC
can grow up and become a DP
in less than five years on
any other show in Hollywood?
So he's supposed to spend
the rest of his career
bowing to the mercy of your twat?!
- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry. That was out of line.
Your twat!
- Excuse me?
- Chet.
Don't "Chet" me.
Do you not want to be a
director? Did we not talk?
Yes.
So you really need one of these harpies
squawking into your
earpiece all night long?
No. You know what to shoot.
Get a pair! Walk with purpose.
I'm going with Chet!
'Course you are.
Okay. Hey, Bill!
It's Barry.
Barry. Right.
You have a kid in college.
Actually, it's preschool.
Whatever. It's 5 grand
for you to come to
Team We Know What The Hell We're Doing.
Ticktock, buddy.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
And have a great night.
Come on, Rachel. Let's go.
All right. Come on.
We'll shoot these guys.
This is gonna look like
nobody is in charge.
Yeah, but he should've never
been allowed on the set.
After the fiasco of
last season's finale...
He's like a freakin' whack-a-mole.
Fine. Just call the network, then.
- Tell them.
- It's not the network.
It's Gary, his golfing buddy.
They go skiing together at Park City.
You know what?
Let me just talk to Darius.
- I can talk some sense...
- No. This is grown-up time, all right?
Way over your head. What do you want?
Beth Ann's locked in her
bathroom and she won't let me in.
Go. Fix it.
Quinn. Hey.
You know, um, Chet's guy thing?
Stop talking to me!
Beth Ann, it's Rachel. Can I come in?
No.
- Stupid idiot.
- I'm sorry.
All right. What's the problem?
Hmm? You knew the guy was black.
I didn't know that it was Darius Beck.
We love him... Like, worship him.
He is literally my
favorite quarterback ever.
You got to find my bag.
I need to change.
Unh-unh. No. You can't do that.
Can't you just cut me
out of the opening scene,
make it like I was never even there?
And what? Are you just
gonna let the PC police win?
You know, I was not raised to be rude.
Besides, I like Darius.
I want him to like me.
I mean, this is better than I
ever thought this show could be.
Racism is so confusing, isn't it?
So, are you gonna let me change?
You can't do that.
Darius has already seen
you in that bathing suit,
and plus, all those other girls
are just gonna blend into one.
At least you're gonna stand out,
and he's gonna know who you are.
You have a real golden opportunity here.
Right, and what's the
worst that can happen?
He meets you and falls in love with you,
and, like, marries you
and has all your babies?
Right? Now let's get back out there.
Can I keep my jacket?
Come on. Let's go.
Hey. You're a cop, right?
Can't you just arrest her?
I'm an MMA fighter.
Do you want me to just
beat the crap out of her?
Cop. Right. I'm guessing that's a "no."
♪♪
Ooh. Gosh. Really classy.
You didn't seem to mind in Vegas.
So, hey, hey. You guys,
uh... You guys hooked up?
Oh, yeah, but it was no big deal.
But that girl is a freak
couldn't get enough.
She is crazy.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah. No, I do.
She's got a doctor's note
that says the same thing.
She got problems, man.
Um, Madison, there's girl-on-girl action
in the hot tub, which is
good and dandy and everything,
but this particular
party is about penis.
I'm telling you,
this is going to be the
best night of your...
Hey, guys. Just get out
of here, please. Thank you.
But Chet said I could
loosen things up a bit.
I know. I love the frat-party vibe.
It's great, but right now we
got to talk to some ladies.
- Her name is Beth Ann.
- Beth Ann.
Here she is. Here, sweetie.
Let me take your coat for you.
- How you doing, Beth Ann?
- Okay.
- There you go.
- Wait! Okay.
First off, I have to say I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology.
I've dreamt of meeting you
probably about a zillion times,
and I definitely wasn't wearing
this in any of those dreams.
Right. Okay.
I love where I'm from.
I do, but I know that this flag
pushes a lot of buttons for your people.
- My people?
- No. That... That's not what I meant.
It came out wrong. It's
just, Darius, this is a party,
and... and we're supposed to
be having a good time, so...
Right.
So if what I'm wearing offends you,
then there really is
only one thing that I can do,
and it's real simple.
Whoo!
Oh, my God.
Slut.
I feel so much better.
How 'bout you? How do you feel?
Oh.
I feel better, too.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
That's really sweet.
- Here, let me button that for you.
- Sorry.
It's not a catfight, but I can
turn that hot mess into gold.
Don't cover the boobies!
Oh, we missed the boobies!
It's like a tree falling in the forest.
Oh, we have them on camera.
You did, uh, girl-on-girl
action in the hot tub, right?
False alarm.
So, that's how you're
gonna play it, huh?
Oh, come on.
Getting what you want... That's
what the show's all about.
You created it, remember?
It's your kingdom.
Come and get it.
♪♪
I'm sorry, but I cannot
physically stop myself
from saying something.
Will you compose yourself?
Just take a breath.
No. Absolutely not.
I stood there like a good,
quiet, little Negro for you,
but that shirt business was too much.
He was just being a gentleman.
He was being a pussy.
Look, your long game might make sense,
but why the hell would
I want to stick around
to fake fall in love with that sellout?
Look, I get it, okay? Believe me.
But the only reason
Darius is on the show
is to repair his image,
and that shirt move
is exactly the kind of nonsense
that's gonna do it. I'm serious.
Marketing will be
focus-grouping the hashtag
before the end of the night.
# IAmAPussy.
Listen to me. Listen to me.
Who knows how long
Beth Ann will actually
stick around for, okay?
She's not gonna win.
Even Obama had to make compromises.
Not with the Confederate Flag. Ever.
Look, if Darius wants to cut
me for having a point of view
that he should have himself, so be it.
At least I'll go home with my dignity.
All right, so tell me what happened
with my catfight and the parka.
I don't know. My girl was ready to go,
and then Ruby just didn't take the bait.
Or Jay told her not to.
Look, this job is so
important to me, and I just...
I really want to be good at
it, and basically be like you.
Okay, Madison. No, having you in my ear,
taking down Chantal, that was
like a drug or an orgasm or...
Okay.
All I know is I want more.
And you're Quinn now,
so let me be Rachel.
Knock yourself out.
Really?
Yeah.
No. N-N-N-No.
Ruby, stop.
You can't wear this on
camera. It's a copyright issue.
Watch me.
Jesus.
Hey, Ruby.
Looky, looky. What do you see?
- She's a wifey.
- Exactly.
That's Quinn's golden
goose right there...
unattended, ripe for the picking.
She is exactly what Quinn needs
in order to build her vagina of a show.
Without a wifey, Quinn's got nothing.
Watch and learn, my
friend. Watch and learn.
- Okay, so are we gonna finish?
- Thank you. It was very good.
- Perfect.
- They don't even ask me a question.
You are the hottest girl here.
Why am I completely flaccid?
I'm not even kidding.
Feel this. I got nothing.
And now I want to be here even less.
What is it? Hormones?
Do you eat a lot of processed cheese?
I want to help you.
I'm very good at this.
There is nothing wrong
with me. This is about him.
Did my dad call you?
Ask you to put me on the show?
Because your dad is...?
A team owner who knows that Darius
has a contract negotiation coming up...
And while he can't talk
to him directly, I sure can.
- Hm.
- So typical of him, you know...
Using me as bait to get what he wants.
I-I came on this show to
get away from football,
to get out of my father's shadow,
to create something separate for myself.
Well, you should totally do that.
This is America after all.
No. I'm just gonna
fade into the woodwork
until Darius sends me home.
Quinn would never let Darius cut you.
You know why? 'Cause you're
what they call a "wifey."
That is what everybody
thinks. I am so not that girl.
Well, prove it. If you
really want to go home,
there is one thing pretty much every guy
across the board does not want
their potential wife to do.
Yeah? What's that? Screw their friends?
Go big and go home, baby.
- Rachel.
- Yes?
You're Rachel, right?
Wow. You are totally cute,
and can I just say, thank God.
Oh, wow.
Everyone keeps saying
how much we look alike.
Yeah, that's not exactly
what they're saying.
- Hey, Rach. Hi. Just one second.
- What?
Just want to know what you
want to do about the rain.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Seriously? You need to talk to Chet.
- Wait. I'm not talking to...
- You need to talk to Chet.
It's totally embarrassing
and completely inaccurate.
I mean, I'm just
wearing a ton of makeup.
Yeah. Totally.
And I mean, is it really
such a freakish thing to have
two smart, brown-haired,
East Coast Jews in the same place?
Well, I'm not from the East Coast,
- So...
- Really?
You have such a New York vibe.
Where'd you go to college?
Vassar.
Oh, my God.
I've got a ton of friends
who went to Vassar.
Is there something that you want, Yael.
Can we be honest? I mean, can we talk?
You mean like a Hebe to Hebe?
Help a sister out.
This guy is hot,
and he hasn't even looked at me.
I just need some advice.
You know the show. What would you do?
You want my advice? Come here.
You see your producer, Madison?
The one holding the shirt?
You stick with her.
That girl is a genius.
Can I steal him?
I'm sorry. Can you put this on?
Otherwise, I'm not gonna be
able to look you in the eye.
The rest of you is just too...
distracting.
All right, I'll put this on.
These two are like Ken and Barbie.
- I love them.
- Ugh.
It's called a cotillion.
My mom has been planning mine
since the day I was born.
Ah, that's sweet.
I bet you look amazing in a tux.
Well, my mother says
I do clean up nicely.
I'm sure you do.
Come here.
Um...
What? Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah. I-I just...
never do that on the first date.
- Bam!
- We can take it slow.
That's a black wifey. That's a blifey.
Okay, you can pat
your liberal white self
on the back later, all right?
Hi, Darius. Could I
talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, let's talk
about that t-shirt, Darius.
Nice shirt.
Well, hello, there.
Can I get you something to drink or...?
Yeah.
No. Look, I, um, just
wanted to talk to you.
Let me guess... this is
not your scene, is it?
No.
Look, I'm not really
sure what I'm doing here.
I mean, I just watched you create
some racial rainbow moment
with a bitch in a damn
Confederate Flag bikini, so...
Finally, some conflict.
This means something.
This has a point of view.
I think we should just put
this entire thing in the cut.
I mean, at least to the part
where she calls her a bitch,
because the rest is a little PBS.
I mean, I know you think you're
televising the revolution,
but what we need right
now are wet panties.
Where is Tiffany, my NFL girl?
Oh! Ah!
Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Go. That's my wifey!
Go, Rachel. Go!
Get her. Find her.
Kno... No, no, no, no, no!
Get off your knees!
Sta... Wi... I need a walkie! No! No!
Of course this is your
version of a good idea.
- Oh, gosh!
- Hi.
Please stay right here.
Do not talk to anyone.
Do not talk to Chet.
What are you doing?
Sorry, Rach. You jealous?
Please don't flatter yourself.
You really think that
that's gonna help Darius?
I'm just having a good time.
Mm-hmm. Yes. Chet is manipulating you.
And you're not?
As far as I can tell, everyone's
manipulating everybody.
Yes, but I am the only one
that is doing it for the right reasons.
You can't tell Darius about
hooking up with Tiffany.
Why not?
'Cause if you want
that sportscaster deal
and all that stuff
that Chet promised you,
she's what you need to make it happen.
Okay? The girl is blonde,
beautiful, rich, and white.
If a girl like that forgives
you, America forgives you.
Not a word.
Pervert.
We have two hours
hard night left, folks.
Okay, look,
I don't know what you expected,
but I'm not just going to
do whatever my dad wants.
He can't offer me up as
some kind of marketing ploy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I really, honestly, have no idea
what you're talking about right now.
You applied, I found you.
Wait, no. You didn't talk to my dad?
I didn't talk to your dad.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that just felt like
something that he would do, you know?
I mean, I thought I
got into Wharton, too,
until I found out that
he made some phone calls.
Oh, my God, your dad
helped you get into Wharton?
Ugh. Rich-girl problems are the worst.
Look, you may have called,
but I still said yes.
I was excited to come here.
I actually thought that
I might meet someone.
Oh, and you did.
No, you guys ruined that night one.
Come on. Darius is still a person.
Darius is a football player.
- And?
- I don't want to be a football wife.
I have done that my
entire life with my dad.
I smile, I keep my mouth shut,
provide excellent arm
candy, and I am done.
But if you don't want
people to judge you
or make assumptions about you,
then you can't do that to Darius.
You're saying he's
not a football player?
I'm just saying that you
have no idea what he is.
He could be anything. The
guy could be your soul mate.
Crazier things have happened.
I just think you should make
yourself open to the experience.
I'm just saying. He's a really good guy.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to pray to God
that Romeo keeps his mouth shut
and none of that stuff makes it to air.
You have to help me.
Jay, enough
of the black activist.
- Get my wifey in there.
- This is all you. Go, go, go!
Listen, why don't we discuss...
Hi.
I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Can I steal you for a minute?
Definitely.
I think we were done here, right?
Okay.
And besides, I've been
meaning to talk to you anyway.
You know nothing about Texas.
I'm from Texas. I grew up there.
No, I've... Doesn't matter.
I spent my entire career in Texas.
- I know Texas.
- No, no, no, no, no. I love Texas...
- Okay.
- But you have to admit,
barbecue was decidedly second-rate.
You haven't been to
County Line, have you?
No, yes, I have. My dad took me there.
Yo...
Look, why don't we knock all this off
and just talk about the
elephant in the room?
I thought you shut that down, Rachel.
If you didn't protect my wifey,
we're gonna have a real problem.
I know your dad owns the
team that happens to be
our biggest competition in the league.
He's been cock-blocking us for
years with his deep pockets.
My dad.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay. You want to go there?
When are you gonna get out of the box
and start using your damn legs?
Your footwork is terrible.
It was a pleasure meeting
you. You're eliminated.
Oh, no!
How could you do me like that?
This is the show, Rachel.
- Thank God I'm here.
- You know what?
I've been running around
for you all night, okay?
I got you these girls.
And you lost the suitor.
You did all the small parts,
but you screwed up the biggest part.
Do you think that I ran
around yelling at you
all of those years for fun?
I set this up for you,
but you need to deliver.
Okay, well, you need to let me.
- Let you?
- Yes. Let me.
It takes an iron spine
and a steady hand to do this job.
I don't know.
Maybe your mother was right.
What?
I mean, come on.
We all know you've had... episodes.
You're great...
until you're not.
But you got a couple of
whirligigs in there, you know?
Which was fine before,
but not so much if you
want to be the boss.
Did she call you?
Are you talking to my mother?
Let's just forget it.
Why don't you just get back out there
and make yourself useful?
Rachel?
Oh, so you're smoking now?
Cool.
So you're just gonna become Quinn.
Got it. That makes so much more sense.
When can I expect the haircut?
Not that you got the
cheekbones to pull it off.
Jesus Christ, Rachel,
you shouldn't be here.
Where'd you want me to go?
Did you want me to just
quit when Quinn came back?
I don't know. Maybe.
I mean, that would've
been one way to say
there's at least some
shit you won't eat.
And what about you?
I thought ' you would appreciate me
trying to be at least
a tiny bit subversive.
- But instead, you just completely
- Subversive? What does that even
pussied out on Ruby from the beginning.
Dude, you used your own
self-loathing about working here
as some sort of justification
for letting her go.
- It's like you are deliberately...
- Can we stop fighting, please?
- Trying to sabotage me. What is it?
- I am the wrong target, Rach.
Are you jealous that I got
promoted instead of you?
Is that what this is about?
It's not that I'm jealous of you,
because I don't believe
you actually got promoted.
I'm your boss.
As long as Quinn's around,
she's my boss, and she's your boss, too.
Wake up, Rachel,
because Quinn is never
leaving this place...
Not until you pry "Everlasting"
out of her cold, dead hands.
Hey, Rach. You all right?
Cool. Uh, well, we need
to take this to set, so...
Guys, hurry up. Hustle.
We got to take this to set. Let's go.
Okay.
♪♪
Thank you. You
were great. That was awesome.
Psht.
It's sad to watch you sully your
temple with chemicals and crap.
By the way, I saw the butch little thing
you had going with Tiffany.
I don't know what you promised her,
but I got her playing tonsil
hockey with the cousin.
I intend to air it.
Ahh. Then, of course,
it's bye-bye, wifey.
You know, please understand
that nothing you cobble together
will ever make it to air,
because what America wants and
what the network knows they want
is a fairy tale,
and I don't care what guru,
transformational bullshit
you're into now, but you are emotionally
and physically incapable of
delivering that to anyone.
- Come on.
- No.
You need to make America feel something,
and the only thing that can do that
is an honest-to-God wifey
- who is demure and supportive...
- Demure?
And, most importantly, worthy.
But unfortunately,
you wouldn't know one of those
if she slapped you in the face.
Maybe you should try being a wifey
before you lecture me about what one is.
You don't seem to be able
to drag yourself across
that line, either.
Do you, Quinnie?
Oh, no! Yael!
- Barry! Barry, get on that!
- Jeremy, got on it!
- Uh, Rachel?!
- Someone, help her!
Barry, are you on it?!
You getting it?!
Film that! Zoom in! Zoom in!
- Barry, get on that!
- Jeremy, stay on it!
It's okay.
Yes! That is a fairy tale.
Where the hell is Rachel?!
♪♪
Okay?
Hey. Ooh. You all right?
I'm fine, man.
No. I'll take his.
This is Dr. Wagerstein's healing nook.
You guys don't have
pictures or anything?
How am I supposed to
remember these girls' names?
- What's this?
- Here. Cheat sheet.
A cheat sheet.
You just get to pick
the one you want to pick.
Long as you pick the titty girl.
Oh, you mean the racist?
No. I mean, the Blondie.
You know, the one who
put herself out there
to make things right.
Oh, America dig that kind of thing...
You know, second chances and redemption.
- White girls.
- White girls.
Tiffany. She's pretty awesome.
I don't know. Maybe not so awesome.
Huh, Romeo?
What? What's going on?
Are you sure that you're okay?
I mean, if you need to, I
can call you a doctor or...
I'm fine.
- Really?
- Madison, you read my file, right?
You know I swam for Sarah
Lawrence all four years?
I anchored the 200 meter relay.
So... what? You You just...
I slipped. Oops.
Got Darius to notice me.
Your bosses seemed to love it.
Guess it was a win for both of us.
Thank you, but...
Listen, I know what it's
like to want to impress a boss
in a highly competitive environment.
I can help you do that.
Just... help me.
Get me some alone time...
Maybe a one-on-one date?
Okay, people,
let's cut these bitches.
Are you okay with me calling all the shots,
or would you like to do that, too?
I think we both know that you're...
You're better at that than I am.
Three, two, one. Rolling.
Ladies, 26 of you came here
tonight with an open heart...
- Hey, editors, make sure you
- and high hopes
- just cut this all up...
- for a journey of a lifetime.
Make it far more interesting
than it really is.
You'll share a brief moment with him
- while he hands you a bracelet.
- Why don't you go and be useful?
If you don't hear your name called,
it's time to say goodbye. Darius?
This has truly been an
incredible night for me.
I feel like the luckiest
man in the world.
With that said...
- Camera B, are you asleep?...
- Yael.
Hayley. Jameson.
- Dominique. Brandi.
- Now it's getting real.
- London.
- She's not wearing her scarf.
Chantal.
Beth Ann.
Oh, yes!
Crazy white trash will
live to see another day!
- Praise the Lord!
- Yes!
Come on. Let's go. Walk a little faster.
Give me a wifey, because this looks like
a freakin' Benetton ad, all right?
And I am not pinning all
my hopes on Hot Rachel.
It's, uh... It's weird that
he's not picking Tiffany.
Ruby.
All right. Ruby.
So, just might get
my catfight after all.
"I can't breathe." I need that shirt.
Beth Ann? Really?
They made me keep her.
They make you keep me, too?
No.
But how am I gonna go in the locker room
and face my teammates if
I cut a girl wearing that?
Well, I got a lot more
where these came from.
You might actually learn a thing or two.
I look forward to it.
All right, I got enough black girls.
Give me some white girls.
Holly. Phaedra.
Courtney. Zoe.
Darius, we are down
to our final bracelet.
Last bracelet.
My final bracelet for
this evening goes to...
Tiffany.
Ha ha. Tiffany. Yes!
At least we got a wifey.
I knew it.
You know, I don't get
picked last for anything.
I'm just glad you're here.
Ladies...
your journey ends here.
- Good night.
- And that's a cut!
Put those girls in coats.
Show's over, everybody.
Ladies, uh, before you leave,
I'm having a party in my place.
Can you shut down that party,
and can you lock Graham
in his room, please?
This could be a good
season after all, everybody.
♪ If I were a fool, fool, fool ♪
♪ I believe you, you, you ♪
♪ But I ♪
♪ I ain't a fool, fool, fool ♪
♪ A crying shame, shame, shame ♪
♪ It's just a game, game, game ♪
What are you doing here?
Something wrong?
Why aren't you guys shooting?
Is there a problem?
There doesn't have to be.
I'm really sorry to
bother you with this.
I didn't know where else to turn.
Now, I mean, I know
that I'm breaking rank
and that this is awkward at best,
but my two bosses are
at each other's throats.
- Who? Chet?
- Yeah. And Quinn.
I mean, you know their
history, right, Gary?
Yeah.
Okay. So, it's gotten crazy
ugly between the two of them.
I mean, look, I owe them my career.
I love them. I do,
but I love this show even more,
and I really want it to continue,
and at this point, I'm
just not sure it will.
Sorry.
They're making two different
versions of the show,
and they're leaving it up to
you to pick which one you prefer.
What?
And, look, I know that you just
gave Quinn this huge overall deal
and Chet's always been a
big-picture kind of guy.
But, Gary,
I'm really the one that has been
boots-on-the-ground,
delivering story after story
for you every year,
and, I mean, this year,
because of me, we're actually
gonna be making history.
You know, I just don't
think that we can leave it
up to Chet and Quinn
to mess this up for us.
I should give them a call.
You should give them a call. Yeah.
I already told Quinn to call
you and reach out to you,
but she said there was no point,
because, you know, you and Chet,
you guys are, you know, tight.
You're bros.
Uh, isn't Quinn your mentor?
Yeah. She was. She was.
I mean, Gary,
I'm running the show this year,
but with them fighting, I just...
I can't produce it with them on set.
You just need to send them home,
give them some time to cool off.
They have trained me so well.
You are in such good hands.
Trust me. I have got your back, Gary.
I can do this. I'm ready.
No, no, man. It's too much talking.
It's like a Merchant Ivory movie.
Cut to the titty shot, already.
We don't have the titty shot.
Well, Google it!
I don't know what to tell you.
Just double cut it. Blow it up.
Slow it down. Okay.
I need you to make it look like
there was a real moment here, okay?
♪♪
Ha ha! Thank you.
That is how you look at a woman.
It's like a damn
instruction manual over here.
And let her rip. Let's see it.
The apocalypse.
♪♪
What in the hell are you guys doing?
- Gary.
- No. I-I-I-I'm sorry, Chet.
This train is off the rails.
No. He's off the rails.
Really, Quinn? Well, then, why
didn't you pick up the phone?
Because that's what an
executive producer would do.
All right? You've got women in
bikinis on the
- North Pole up there!
- It was his idea!
Listen to me. Listen to me!
From what I hear, you've
let your personal problems
get in the way of the job.
Now, we need this show,
and until you can get
your eye back on the ball,
I'm putting someone else in charge.
Uh, excuse me?
Yeah. Someone who knows
how to tell a story.
Someone who can give the American public
what they expect every season
from this show we all love.
Oh, really. And who might that be?
Coleman Wasserman, come in here, please.
- Come here, buddy.
- Hey, Gary.
Now, if you don't know who this guy is,
you should, because we have
been looking for a chance
to do something with this guy for ages.
Everything he does on "Blink" blows up..
10 million viewers in
the first week alone.
- Gary, come on.
- No, no, no, no.
Blink is gonna become a
network because of this guy.
Oh, come on, Gary. This
is totally unnecessary.
Do you have any idea how much money
I've made for you over the years, huh?!
No, no. What you've made,
Chet, is a well-oiled machine
that needs someone strong at the helm.
Look, either you get on
board, buddy, or you go home,
because he is the one in charge now.
All right? I leave it with you.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
Look, I'm excited to get to work here.
Hey. Hey. Uh, Chet.
One second.
Look, I see what you're both going for.
There's merit in both versions.
For now, I think I want to
lean into what Chet's doing.
Thanks, man.
"EverBlasting."
Okay. Yeah.
Whatever that is. Can't wait.
- We'll talk.
- Yeah.
All right.
So nice to meet you.
- Madison.
- Madison.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I actually know who you are.
I saw that displaced Cambodian
sex worker series you did.
- It was very good.
- You just Googled that.
No. I didn't.
Believe it or not, I am
interested in a lot more
than just "Everlasting."
Oh, I believe it.
I know who you are, too.
Gary said you and
Quinn make a great team.
Well, you know, we've
been working together
for a long time, so... yeah.
I'm guessing she doesn't know
that you're the one
who complained to the network
and brought me here.
Phew!
I got to say that's a baller move.
Sounds like something I would've done.
But didn't exactly work out
the way you wanted
it to, though, did it?
'Cause instead you got me.
This is gonna be fun.
See ya.