UnREAL (2015–2018): Season 2, Episode 1 - War - full transcript

Quinn has recently promoted Rachel to produce season 14 of Everlasting, and Rachel sets out to change history by casting the first African American suitor. When Chet arrives back on set to ...

Welcome to "Everlasting."

Your suitor, Adam Cromwell!

Let's go people,

I want nudity, 911 calls, cat fights.

Get me some good TV.

Producers produce things.

I create conditions for things to happen.

Chet Wilton... creator of "Everlasting.

You're very lucky that your little stunt

got me boo-yah ratings last season.

Are you taking your meds?

- Don't do that, Mom.
- I'm sorry feel judged.

Don't shrink me.

Let's get out, have a
real life, real friends.

"Everlasting" was my idea.

I'm starting my own company,
and I want you to come with me.

Jeremy and I have started
talking about getting out.


Aren't you two so great at that together.

You are gonna come and work
for me at my new company.

I know, Rach... about Adam.

I'm gonna make sure you never
hurt anyone like this again.

- Come with me.
- No, Mary!

She went off her meds.

I swapped out a few of her pills.

Going live. And action.

- Camera "A," do you see her?
- Where is she?

We have a runaway bride.

This is live television.

You've got to fix this.

I want your full support moving forward.

Anything. I'm about to lose my job.

We won.

We're gonna be kings
this year, Goldie. Kings!

Right? Money, dick, power.

- Love it.
- Yes. In that order.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Yeah!
- Talk about it.

- Gloomer.
- That's crazy.

- Do me.
- It's a small, whole tattoo thing.

- Okay, ready? What's up?
- What?

Oh, look at this place.

This does not look ready.

This place doesn't look ready!

Look at this. Nothing's ready.

More pink, more pink...

There's other colors in the rainbow.

No, really, this is it, though.

This is your year.

Dare to dream, lady.

Oh, come on, stop acting like you're not

as happy as a pig in shit right now.

Yes, no, I really am excited,

and I think it is the right thing to do

- for so many reasons.
- Can you stop? Stop selling me.

Don't sell me. Okay,
save it for the network.

That's why we go to Vegas.

We sell the network,

and as soon as they approve your idea,

then I can start just kicking back

and enjoying a seven-figure
production deal.

Okay, how often are you gonna say

"seven-figure production deal"?

I just want to know
what we're talking about.

Oh, I'm gonna say it a lot.

I'm gonna go, "Seven-figure,
seven-figure, seven-figure."

Seven figures. Seven is a lucky number.

What's going on? You okay?


Great. All right, you ready?

- Ohh! This bitch was born ready.
- Let's do this.

We're talking Vegas.

- Vegas! Here we go.
- Feeling it!

Going to Vegas, baby!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Easy there, Amy Winehouse, all right?

This is for the executives
we're buttering up.

All right.

I want to make a toast.

We are thrilled

that we have you under exclusive contract,

and we cannot wait to
see what brilliant shows

that you dream up.

Thank you for 13 years of slave labor

to get an overall deal.


- Yeah!
- To season 15.

All right. We have a
surprise for you, Brad.

May I introduce
"Everlasting's" next suitor...

pro quarterback...

Darius Beck!

Are you serious?

As a brain tumor.

Nice to meet you.

You just made my dick hard.

You're a chieftain now, Chet.

Go get your kingdom back.

It was me.

The first black suitor.

It was me!

We're gonna make history.

Everyone, shh. Network president.

He's black.

- Yeah, he's the first black...
- No, he's not that black.

All right, Gary?

- He's like, uh, football black.
- I know who he is.

All right, I'm looking at him right now.

He's black.

Well, and how does it feel to
be finally beating the Eagles

given your well-known beef
with Titus Washington?

Really? That's your question?

- Well, Titus said...
- Oh, who cares about what Titus said?

Uh, what about this scandal?

Uh, he called that reporter

- a bitch on TV.
- Did you not see what I just did out there?

- Bitch, please. I'm out of here, man.
- Hey, hey.

Scaring the hell out of her.

It looks like he's gonna
hit her right there on ESPN.

- I'll break her!
- Chill.

Man, Titus ain't got shit on me!

This is your idea of a love interest?

Yeah, okay, first
of all, Gary, all right,

he didn't call her a bitch.
He said, "Bitch, please,"

which is a term of endearment.

I mean, I say it to Rachel
all the time.

And secondly, why would
he do our show, okay?

These high-profile guys
wouldn't be caught dead with us

unless they needed to rehab their image.

And you know, hell yes,

he's gonna be dating white chicks, okay?

And hopefully, he's gonna
be making deep, dark,

nasty love to them, too.

I mean, the more white pussy the better.

- Am I right, Gary?
- Uh, I'm sorry, what?

I promise you 20 million viewers.

The minute he lays black
hands on a white ass,

Twitter will melt down.

Oh, and the girls, Gary.

We have a hot racist,

an even hotter

black activist power person.

- Uh, a clergy.
- What?

- And...
- You have that?

... we have a terrorist.

- A terrorist?
- No.

They will be at each
other's throats from night 1.

It will be a ratings bonanza.

Or I can just get you

another small-dicked
white boy from Missouri

with a bunch of horny
kindergarten teachers

because nobody's bored by that.

Your call, Gary.

This is on you, Quinn.
All right, it's your ass.

You hear me? Your ass.

Are you kidding?

Football black? Nice, I'm gonna use that.

Shut up, Brad.

All right, did you get
all of that, though?

- 'Cause I have to pee.
- What?

The thing about all the Looney Tunes

that we promised Gary.

You have to go find them.

What are you talking about?
Quinn, the show's cast.

It's your new job, honey bear.

I'm Chet, you're Quinn.

I say crazy shit, and you make it happen.

- That's your ab workout?
- It's like this.

- You've never done it?
- No, I don't do that.

Wow, so this is it.

- Um...
- Oh.

Yes, this is it.

This is gonna be your house
for the next nine weeks.

- Ooh.
- Cool.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

Okay, why does it seem like
you're not that excited?

L... let me ask you this.

I'm-a be on camera 24 hours a day?

Um, you're the star of
a television program.

Was there some sort of miscommunication?

Because we talked it out,

and I sort of had the impression

that you two were gonna talk it out.

My phone is ringing.

I have to take it.

I will be right back.

I'm not dealing with this.

What the hell did you get me into?

You signed up for this.

- Okay, no, what...
- You need this.

You know what? You got a bad att...

Oh, so, you gonna cancel me out?

You gonna put your little
headphones on, cancel me out?

Hey. Hey, yeah, no, I just...

I just got to the
mansion. What's going on?

I just landed, but did
you get Darius to move in?

I'm working on it.

He's having a little bit of
buyer's remorse right now.

You know, I knew that guy
was gonna give us trouble.

We should have never let
his manager move in with him.

- I'll handle it.
- Yeah, you've been handling him

since you met him, all right?

- I got it.
- You know what?

Gary is freaking out that
we can't top last season.

And what does he want us to do?

Kill someone every episode?

Hm, when are you gonna be here?

I'll be back in about an hour.

Um, Romeo, your friends are here,

the friends that I was hoping
were not gonna show up here,

they've showed up here.

Can you please take them to craft service

and get them out of my way? Thank you.

Why don't you just
tell me what's going on?

It's just, I'm supposed
to be in Cabo right now

enjoying my off-season.

Okay, well, Cabo's great.

But Cabo is not gonna get
you out of your P.R. problem.

- Look, I didn't call that woman a bitch.
- I don't think you did.

I think that she tried to bait you.

I mean, what did... she
came over and talked to you.

What was it? Like 19 minutes

- after you got off the field?
- Exactly.

Right, they want you to
be a monster on the field

and then turn into some, like,
choir boy 19 minutes later?

I mean, that's impossible.

With all that adrenaline,
anybody would've snapped.

I'm not anybody.

I understand.

You're the first black
quarterback on your team.

You're also now the first black suitor.

There's a lot of eyes on you. I get it.

What'd your mom say?

Whew, my mom was not happy.

See, she raised me to always know

that the rules were
gonna be different for me.

Couldn't walk down the
street with my hoodie on.

Didn't want people to get the wrong idea.

Kept my nose pretty...
pretty clean, you know?

Image... squeaky clean.

No drugs, no drama, no baby mamas, and

- then I go and do something stupid like this.
- Hey, listen.

This is a one-time thing.

This does not make you who you are.

- If we're being honest...
- Mm-hmm.

... mostly I feel like a...

a caged lion and barely keeping
a lid on it half the time.

Well, you're talking to somebody

who literally went on
television and told the world

that she thought her
job was Satan's asshole.


- Are you serious?
- I'm, like, not kidding.

Oh, yeah, that's beautiful.

Okay, and you came back from that?

Oh, yeah, I came back from that.

I mean, I'm running the show.

I can bring you back.

Trust me.

What's your plan?

Uh, well,

I have a house full of
lovely ladies for you.

You have the opportunity to
fall in love with one of them.

Let's not get crazy.

Oh, okay, wait.

Where do you stand? Do
you not believe in love?

Like, where... what do we... where are we?

Hey, when you're Darius Beck,

things get a little complicated.

Got it, okay. So, first of all,

let's not refer to
ourself in third person.

- That's not cute.
- Okay.

Second of all,

none of these women
know who the suitor is.

I mean, none of them are here
to, like, bag some celebrity.

When was the last time that
happened to you, honestly?

Junior high.

Thank you very much.

Look, when they realize
who the new suitor is,

that'll all change.

All right, just, you never know.

You could be surprised.

Bitch, please.

Oh, bitch, please, you.

All right, let's go.

- You like me. Come on, let's go.
- All right.

Let's see what we got here.


- She wants to speak...
- I'm not kidding, Dan.

- Doc, she wants to...
- Dan, go away.

- Copy that.
- I need to talk about the "Healing Nook."

- The what?
- My own set to film my on-air segments.

Oh, yes, your on-air segments
that you got by blackmailing Quinn.

I remember. Oh, I wouldn't be
throwing that particular stone

if I were you.

- I need my nook.
- Okay, put in a formal request.

And not for nothing, your mother called.

She's been talking to Jeremy again.

She thinks you're having
hyper-sexual manic episode.

I'm not manic. I'm changing the world.



Hey. Did you raid Quinn's wardrobe?

You're still talking
to my mommy. How is she?

Hyper-sexual manic episode, seriously?

Did you guys Google that or make it up?

Looks like you haven't slept in weeks.

And so, what? You're worried about me?

I'm doing well, I get a promotion,

yet somehow that...

that triggers, like, alarm bells for you.

No, I... I don't give
a rat's ass about you.

But if anybody needs me to testify

that you're a threat
to yourself and others,

- yeah, I'm there.
- Oh, really? Is that right?

Yeah, but it's mostly
for the others, though,

because at this point, I'm actually
okay with you hurting yourself.

In fact, I'm fairly certain that you will.

- That's a really dark thing to say.
- Yeah.

So, why'd you come back
if you think I'm so crazy?

I came back 'cause this is my job.

I'm sorry. Did...

did you think that I...

I really wouldn't come
back because of you?


Ah, I guess old Jeremy might not have.

That guy was a pussy.

That's why I killed him.

- Hey, we got...
- Dan, stop.


What the hell is going on?

I need a walkie.

Give me that. Just go do something.

All right, I need somebody.

Ricardo, where are you?!

All right, where's Rachel?

You guys, it's just rain, all right?

You're not made of sugar.

It's pronounced "Ya-el."

A lot of people call me Yale,

which, no thanks, I
went to Sarah Lawrence.

J.D. Salinger taught there.

Oh, for God's sake.

Where the hell are you?

Oh, I'm, uh, in here working on the intro.

No, you're screwing up the intros.

Madison's out there with
her thumb up her ass.

Who decided to make her a producer anyway?

Chet's penis,

- after she blew him in your office.
- Oh, right.

Did you get my Looney Tunes?

Uh, Jay's on camera "B" with Tiffany,

one of the wifeys.

- Oh, she's pretty.
- Mm-hmm.

But can she speak?

Yeah, she can.

And you're gonna say your name

and tell us about your dad, okay?


I already told you

I don't want to talk about my father.


- That could be juicy.
- Uh-huh.

So, maybe her dad was a creep?

Or a pedophile, hopefully.

He's a rich white dude
who owns a football team.

She's our football princess.

What's going on with you shoes?

All right, so, that's one wifey down.

- Where's my villain?
- Okay.

Um, she is getting ready,

but I want you to, um, look at this.

This is Beth Ann. She's from Mississippi.

And this thing got
30,000 hits on Instagram,

which is terrifying.

Oh, Beth Ann. Aren't those even legal?

Wait till she finds out
she's here to bag a black man.


Okay, um, I also want to
introduce you to London.

She is our super-sexy Pakistani woman

who might have distant
links to Osama bin Laden.

No, now she does.

Absolutely, that's what I was thinking.

We have Ruby.

She takes angry black woman

to the level of blinding rage.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Nicely done. So, her

with the bikini girl...

- genius.
- Oh, shit, no.

Sorry, I should have pulled
her out of the sequence.

She couldn't commit
to the full nine weeks.

It's her last semester in college.

- So?
- Seriously?

- Mm.
- So, she would've had to drop out

and miss graduating with her class.


- Rachel.
- What?

- Are you kidding me?
- Jay,

then who's gonna fight
the racist, all right?

It's not gonna be this pageant girl

because you could snap her like a twig.

Well, she's rooming with Beth Ann.

So we'll see how she does.

- What?
- All right, work this out

or get a room or something, okay?

I got to call Gary.

I want the blacktavist
here by tomorrow night.

Okay, what the hell are you doing?

You and Quinn... you're
fine, everything's just fine.

What do you mean "fine"?

After she blew up your life last season,

like atom bombed your little
happily ever after with Adam,

- you're just twinsies, girl power.
- Can you stop? We worked it out.

Right, you got paid.

You're like one of those wives
whose husband beats them up

- and then gives them a big diamond ring...
- Oh, my God.

and promises to never do it again.

Do you know something? That
I am the show runner, okay?

And right now the show
runner is asking you

why you weren't able to close Ruby.

You know, even I didn't think I had line,

but turns out,

derailing a strong
black woman's education,

- that's it.
- You know something?

We're making a huge statement
just by having a black suitor.

So if we have to sacrifice
a few people along the way

- for the greater good, so be it.
- Yeah, you're right.

We're like the Aztecs.

- Or Hitler.
- Where is she?


Ruby Carter, right? Ruby?


Hi, I'm Rachel Goldberg.

I am the show runner on "Everlasting."

What? Look, I already told

the little skinny brother no, okay?

You need to leave.

I'm sorry, but he just didn't
have all the information.

What information is gonna
make me drop out of college

to go be on a racist,

misogynist reality
show I don't even watch?

16 million viewers a week
for your political platform

when your Twitter fame's
about to expire like bad milk.

Black girls only last a
couple weeks on those shows,

and they don't get any airtime.

I thought you said you didn't watch.

- Whatever.
- Okay.

I'm sorry, does it not even matter to you

that we're making history this season?

The suitor's black.

I'm sorry, what?

It's a huge secret.

The guy's also famous,
and he asked to meet you.

Thinks you're an American hero.

- And he's into you. He thinks...
- Wait.

Let me get this straight.

You think I got myself into Berkeley,

worked this hard for what I believe in to,

- what, get a man?
- I didn't go to Vassar to get a man.

- Yeah, I'm sure.
- Did you hear me?


You know what? You know,
you are... You're right.

You should stay here.

You should just let your
four underpaid professors

read your senior thesis on... what is it?

Post-colonial Africa?

I get it. Why would you
want to use stupid old TV

to spread your message. I mean,

the teen birth rate, it went down 5.6%

because of "Teen Mom" shows on MTV.

And "The Real World"...
you remember that show?

That show started the gay rights movement.

But, yeah, TV's super useless
as a medium for change.

I guarantee you will
make it to the final two.

9 weeks, 16 million viewers each week.

- Hey, Rach, what's up?
- She's in.

Let's see how long she lasts.

This place smells like ass.

Madison, that better be
you with the air fresh...


Hey, kiddo.

Where did the rest of you go?

Oh, well, this is what happens

when you shed 50 pounds of weakness,

sadness, and pussydom.

Congratulations, I... I guess.

But what the hell are you doing here?

Brad suspended you from set duty.

Oh, uh, Brad doesn't work
at the network anymore.


I'm sorry, what?

Gary's gonna hire somebody else.

I threw out a couple names.

So, you just disappear for six months

and then get Brad fired?

No, I didn't disappear.

I went on a paleolithic lifestyle retreat

with my grand leader.

Oh, what is that? Like
CrossFit or some bullshit?

CrossFit. That's amazing.

No, I went hunting in
Patagonia with my tribe.

That's how we evolved, Quinn.

We've only been in
cities for like 400 years.

We've been cavemen for like 20,000.

Not even one part of that is accurate.

A man isn't man unless he's

got a purpose, Quinn.

I... I got soft last year.

I tried to fill the dark
hole of my manhood with,

uh, processed flour and sugar, drugs.

And I forced you
to play the male role.

That wasn't fair, and it wasn't natural.

Women are made to nurture, be adored.

A guy's got to do things.

Anyway, this show is my kingdom and, um,

my purpose.

I'm gonna take it back.

Uh... no.

It's mine. I earned it.

Yeah, but see, I'm ready, I'm a chieftain.

I got anointed, blooded.

And I am the queen of
the frickin' fairies,

and I need you to get the
hell out of my fairy fort now!


Hm, um...

Get out and get off of my set

because I can call Gary, too.

We are the architects. We are the men.

We are the architects. We are
the inheritors of the kingdom.


Uh, Darius.

Oh, man.

Darius Beck.

Chet Wilton.

- I created the show.
- Pleasure. This is Romeo.

Oh, Shakespeare.

Uh, I'm sorry I wasn't around
earlier to introduce myself.

I had my girls running things

- while I was away at a conference.
- Mm-hmm.

I got to say for two potent young studs

about to meet a herd of willing female,

you guys don't look as
happy as you should be.

Why don't you tell me what you need?


Um, you guys, we're just
gonna start at the top...

getting their panties
in a bunch, you know.

Who's the suitor gonna be?
What's he gonna look like?

- Do I have food in my teeth?
- Jay.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, man, my guys are getting on me.

- You guys got the kill list yet?
- Oh, no, not yet.

What's the kill list?

Oh, she's so adorable.

It's a list of all the girls getting cut

so the camera guys know
who they can sleep with.

Let me know when you get it

'cause I call dibs on Hot Rachel.

I don't want any pink on
... and excuse me, guys.

- Dan, I just want to not...
- Sorry, we were just talking about the kill list, Hot Rachel.

- Excuse me?
- Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.

Uh, Ya... Yazmine.

Who? Yael? It's a Hebrew name.

- Yeah, what about her?
- Whatever.

She's the one that kind of looks like you,

except she's hot and not crazy and

takes showers from time to time.

All the guys are gunning for her, but

you know the deal, Rach.

Boss always dips first.



Okay, yeah, uh, it's time to hustle.

Uh, let's make sure that we
have enough warm-up codes.

- I won't.
- Hey, hey, hey.

- He is so fired.
- Listen, Marie Antoinette.

Look, I get the impulse.
He's a dick, all right?

But you can't do that.

He is a sexual harassment
lawsuit waiting to happen.

Suck it up, Goldberg.

If we fired everyone we had sex with,

we wouldn't have a crew.

Okay, um, camera.

I just want to make sure

that we're keeping that
camera moving at all times.

Beth Ann and Chantal, you guys are good?

Oh, Madison, hi.

Uh, can I talk to you?

Oh, yeah.

About the room assignments for a jiff.

Um, well, I c...

Yes, you can. I am a producer.

Right. Well, um,

you know, Chantal, she seems real nice.

But the thing is, I'm kind of wild,

and I just don't think
that she's gonna feel

at home with me.

Well, it's... it's the first day.

I just think that it's gonna be

very uncomfortable for me.

You know what? I'm gonna talk to my boss,

and I'm going to see if I
can make some changes for you.

Thank you. I had a feeling that
you would understand.

Come here.

We hug where I'm from.


The contestants are
gonna be wearing jackets.

It's freezing. They're not
gonna look good on camera.

They'll be fine.
They're not gonna be fine.

They're gonna look terrible.

Hi, so, um... who was
asking for the kill list?

That would be me.

It was you.


- You're fired.
- Hey.

That's my focus puller.
You can't fire him.

And yet, I just did.

Well, unless you want opening night

of your show to be out of focus,

you need to un-fire him.

Yeah, so you know that's
not gonna happen because,

um, the show being out of focus
is just gonna make you guys

look like a bunch of incompetent assholes.

And nobody's gonna blame me.

So hire someone, promote someone.

It's really not my problem.

It turns out being a
sexist man-baby on my set

has consequences.

Handle it.

That's my department manager.

- I know.
- Bitch.

Let me... let me talk
to her. I'll talk to her.

Oh, um, did you get the car for Ruby?

Yes, Rachel. She arrived
a few minutes ago.

- Just getting settled in.
- Okay.

Hey, so, uh, Beth Ann

wants to switch rooms. And Tiffany
has an empty bed in her room,

so I was just gonna put her in there.

- Is that okay?
- Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Um,

Beth Ann, our white supremacist, doesn't

want to room with Chantal,

our black debutante?

Yeah, uh, I was just gonna move her.

It would be super easy.

Oh, okay, was it free lobotomy
week at Burke Williams?

Madison, we aren't camp counselors.

We don't solve problems, okay?

We create them.

And then we point cameras at them.

We need you to go outside

and create an on-camera fight

between the racist and
the black debutante.

Do you understand?

Do you need some help?

Wagerstein, what is the
shrink dirt on these ladies?

Oh, well, Chantal is
a type-A control freak.

- Okay.
- Kind of a time bomb waiting to go off.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, and her fianc? died

in a car accident a year and a half ago.

Oh, perfect. Great.

Okay, so you're gonna use
that little bit of information,

and you're gonna interview her.

Okay, you're gonna get her
to cry and show you tears.

She's gonna ask you,
"Will I ever love again?"

It's gonna build all
this sympathy for Chantal.

And Beth Ann's gonna
look like a total dick

for not wanting to room with her.

Does that make sense?

Well, I just really don't think

she's gonna want to talk about that.

I mean, how am I supposed to force her?

I don't know. Tell her your
mother died or something.

Act like you get it.

My mom did die.

There you go.

Right there, you see that? You use that.

Oh, my God.

Nice, Rachel. That was really nice.

So, that's it? That's your plan?

You're just gonna make
Quinn look like the good cop?

No, my plan is to make a
top-rated television program

with a black romantic lead.

Do you have a problem with that?

- I do not.
- Okay, great.

Well, then can you go
get Beth Ann's interview

talking trash about her black roommates?

'Cause I don't have
anything for the promo.

Thanks, bye.




Did I forget to tell you that

being the boss sucks?

Nice jacket, by the way.

Helmut Lang.

Well, here's to booze and fancy clothes.

This so exciting.


So, Chantal, I'm really curious.

What's your story?

Ugh. My God, she's never
gonna get this done.

Well, I was born in Atlanta.

Me and my mom and...

What is this? That's some
general crap nobody cares about.

A... are you excited to be here?

I'm very excited to be here.

She's wasting my time. You know what?

I'm just gonna go out there

- and do this myself.
- No, stop.

- No, don't stop. This is ridiculous.
- Rachel, Rachel, stop. All right?

How is she gonna ever learn anything

if you don't delegate and teach her?

Like what I'm doing with you right now?

You're screwing up,
and I'm not taking over.


You are in charge of
everything on these monitors,

not just getting one girl to cry.

So get in the idiot's ear
and tell her what to do.


He's really nice.

- I think...
- Okay, Madison, hi.

I need you to listen to everything
I say and just repeat after me.

- Do you understand?
- Okay. Yeah, uh, copy.


Sorry, I just do that sometimes.

I... I talk, it's stupid. Um,

- okay, okay.
- How's she doing?

Madison, just listen to me.

Just say what I say.
Don't say anything else.

"So, Atlanta, what was
it like dating there?

- I hear it's... "
- So, Atlanta,

what was the dating there like?

- I heard that it's really hard.
- No, don't fill in the blank.

We want her to do that, okay?

Do you get it? It's like
a couplet. I say something.

and then she'll say the
rest of the sentence.

I'm sorry.

What was it you wanted
to talk about exactly?

Okay, listen, Madison.

We need something for the promo, okay?

Just ask her,

"So, why are you still single?"

Why are you still single?


Don't say anything, Madison.
Keep your mouth shut.

Silence is your friend.

I had a fianc?.

He died.

She's got a dead fianc?.

- Holla!
- Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

That's good, Madison.
Just keep looking at her.

I want you to ask her,

"Oh, my God, what happened?"

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Car accident.

Did a drunk driver hit him or something?

No, Madison, don't say "drunk driver."

Did I say "drunk driver"?

Shut your mouth and
just do as you're told.

Bad weather.

Ice storm.

We were driving back from the mountains.

"Were you in the car?"

Say it, Madison.

You were in the car?

I was driving.

- Holy crap.
- Oh, my God, that's great, Madison.

Just keep looking at her, okay,

keep looking really
shocked, okay, Madison?

Build sympathy for her, and
then you're gonna ask her,

"Did you kill him?"

- So...
- Madison, just keep looking at her, okay?

It's time to gut this bitch.

Say the words, "Did you kill him?"

"Did you kill him?"

Did you kill him?

- What?!
- Stay strong, Madison.

Don't speak.

I loved him. I... I saw him die.

"So, you didn't kill him?"

- So, you didn't kill him?
- How can you ask me that?

I did not kill him!

I'm so sorry.

How do you like puppeteering?

Are you kidding me? I feel like God.

If I had been in that position,

I would have blamed myself.

My mother just died a little while ago,

and she was really worried
about me moving to California.

She wanted me to go home, and I didn't.

She just had a heart attack.

I thought... I'm so sorry.

You must miss him so much.

Madison, stop crying.

She's about to give you the goods.

Just look at her and ask her,

"Will you ever love again?"

Will you ever love again?

I will love again or die trying.

There's our damn promo line.

I'm sorry.


What the hell is
he doing with the camera?

I'm sorry Rachel made you do that.

You okay?

That was amazing.

Places, places.

Okay, we are
T-minus 10 minutes, people.

If this place isn't as
tight as a unicorn's butthole

in five minutes, everyone is fired.

Yeah, we got a problem.
She won't put it on.

She says she never wears one.

I don't care that she has
never worn a head scarf.

Quinn promised the network a terrorist.

Our audience will not understand

unless she is actually
dressed like a terrorist.

Put a head scarf on her, please.

Muslim women are fighting and dying for
the right not to cover up.

- What's wrong with you?
- You know, wearing a head scarf

doesn't actually make you a terrorist.

But wearing pigtails at your age

- does make you retarded.
- That's true.

Can we not use that word this season.

- It's a micro-aggression.
- Shut up, Wagerstein.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- My God.

Okay, here we go.

Wifeys, bitches, and sluts, oh, my.

- Seconds away.
- Good job, Goldberg.

That actually looks like
a TV show... a real TV show,

- your TV show.
- Oh, thank you.

- I have training wheels on at best.
- Oh, but I just let go.

Look, network, no hands.

- Aaah!
- Does anybody see Graham?

Can I please get a 20

on the host of our television program?

Okay, he's still getting makeup done.

What is he getting? A
chimpanzee face transplant?

If he isn't on his mark in 15 seconds,

I am gonna come in there,

and I'm gonna grab him by the balls,

- and I'm gonna put him on his mark.
- Oh, God.

I literally just thought
about touching Graham's balls.

That's so disgusting. I
bet they're fake tanned.

- Like without question, he tans his balls.
- Oh, my God.

- He does.
- Ew! Ew!

- Madison, you're such a little slut, seriously.
- You are a slut, you have issues.

Control yourself.

- Wag?
- Can we not talk about balls?

You see "hairy balls" yet?

- Demanding, man.
- Here, sir.

Right in the middle, okay.

Okay and, um, we are rolling

in three, two,

one... action.

Ladies, beautiful, wonderful ladies.

Welcome to season 14 of "Everlasting."

Now, usually our suitor waits for you.

But see, this season, our suitor

is more well-known,

more prominent than ever.

And in order to get our
ladies to be surprised,

we had to make them wait...

... until now.

Ladies, are you ready?

Ugh, it looks like "My
Little Pony" threw up.

Too much pink.

All right, well, then, prepare yourselves

because this season,

this man is not only
handsome, wealthy, and smart,

But he is also a national hero.

So I urge you, ladies, open
your hearts to your suitor.

All right, let's get ready
to see some panties drop.


What the... ?

Why isn't someone yelling "cut"?

Rach, it's you.

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Weren't you supposed to be watching him?

Oh, my God.

Hello, this is the host of "Everlasting."

Give me the phone.

- Is that... is this part of it?
- Probably.



Big dog's back, kiddo.

Don't "kiddo" me, Chet.
Where the hell is my suitor?

Oh, no. No, no, no. He's my suitor now.

You want to talk to him,
you got to deal with me.

- What the hell, Rachel?
- What?

Chet has the suitor?

How did you let Darius out of your sight?

You should've had a P.A.
superglued to his ass.

- I did... I had Madison on it.
- Really?

Transpo! Now!

You know what? This is gonna be
fine. Let's just push one day.

- We'll send the crew home right now...
- No, we are not pushing dick.

We are going and getting our suitor.

Get in the car.

Get back to work. Stop standing around.

Oh, my God.


We missed an hour of our
night for shrimp buffet.

Way to manage, Goldie.

Excuse me, thank you very much. Gary.


- Wow, you look great.
- Oh, you too.

What a surprise to see you here.

Well, I'm here to see
our man, Darius, right?

Yes, of course.

Uh, do you mind if I
borrow Chet for a minute.

Apparently not.

- Gents.
- Good luck.

What the hell are you doing, Chet?

- Huh?
- What are you doing?

You wanted to fight like a
man. That's what I'm doing.

I'm fighting like a man.

I see.

So, you have Darius,
but what about the girls?

I got girls.

Oh, you loaded up a minivan
with strippers, Chet.

Every girl I have back at the house,

I handpicked based on a story.

And then I weave that
into television drama

that I turn into massive ratings,

which you have never, ever done.

So, Romeo, what is going on?

Come on, I thought we
had each other's backs.

- What's happening here?
- Oh, why?

Because you treat me like a walking dildo?

Please, you love it.

Look, it takes a player to know a player.

This show needs a major revamp.

Now, when I was away all those months,

I wasn't just working on myself.

I was thinking about the
show's cultural legacy.

- Oh, God.
- We're telling men that it's okay

to swoop out of the sky in
diamond-studded helicopters.

Women don't respect that.
You know what they respect?

A man who can kill with his bare hands.

- Chet just offered us better stuff.
- What stuff did he offer you?

Uh, private accommodations,
our cellphones.

- Mm.
- Oh, yeah.

And a three-year pay-or-play
sportscasting deal if...

He doesn't even have the authority

- to offer you something like that.
- Oh, he didn't?

The network president, Gary?

Yeah, he did.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

We have created a generation
of wimps and bitches.

We've got a whole audience
who's waiting for us

to show them the natural order of things.

Man, the audience is gonna eat that up.

Are you sure you're not still on drugs?

- No.
- I've never been this clean.

It's like us.

I tried as a hard as I could to
be everything you wanted me to be.

And I ended up a castrated, obese mess.

You ended up a dried-up old spinster.

What do you want, Chet?

I want the girls to
come to Darius... here...

in bikinis, pool-side cocktails.

We would lose three
more hours of hard night

on a company move,

and that would leave
us two hours to shoot.


Bring Darius to the mansion right now,

and I will ditch the evening gowns.

I will give you a pool and the bikinis.

Or I could just go and tell Gary

that we're gonna push a few days.

All right, we'll do it
my way at the mansion.

But this is far from over.

I'm taking my kingdom back.

May the best man win.

She usually does.

Chet just declared war.

Any issues, guys?

Okay, people,

we've got five hours of
hard night to get this.

Okay? Thank you. I
need lights in the pool.

I need all the girls out of
their gowns and into bikinis.

Oiled up, spray-tanned, and pube-less now.

And what the hell is that?

No, you got to cover that up.

Wifeys have no tattoos.

And what are you... what is this?

No, unless you have a great story

about being a burn victim under there,

- you're got to change.
- This is all I have.

- Seriously?
- I will fix it.

Okay, get her P.A. over here right now.

Put her in someone else's
underwear if you have to

because I'm an underwear psychic,

and I bet this bitch
packed granny panties, okay?

Get me our coats now.

- Go. Move it! All right?
- Coats.

- Get them.
- Excuse me.

- Wagerstein.
- Yeah?

- You want to get in a bikini, too?
- No.

- Out. Now.
- Got it.

Thank you. Buh-bye.

I've got something that
would look banging on her

- back in our room.
- Who are you?

Oh, I'm...

Oh! Wait.

- Oh, my God.
- Don't do it.

That's, uh... that's Hot Rachel.

That is amazing.

- Can you not?
- Yes, please go.

Run, Hot Rachel, run.

- Coats, I got coats.
- Thank you.

She really looks like you.
That's kind of amazing.

All right, listen.

I don't want to see any
razor burn, people, okay?

Use duct tape if you have to,
but I want those pubes out.

Quinn, if I keep following
you around like this,

the crew's gonna have a really hard time

believing I'm the show runner.

Oh, okay. So, were you show-running

when you let Chet steal our suitor?

No, I was recruiting Ruby,

and you didn't even warn
me that Chet was back.

No one warns you about anything

- when you're the boss.
- That's not our deal!

Okay, listen to me, okay?

- Mm.
- Look at me.


You're my girl.

But I need Chet dead forever.

You'll get another shot.

I just got to steer us
past this train wreck,

and then I will hand the show back to you.

Money, dick, power, right?

Yeah. Yeah, money, dick, power.


All right, let's do this.

Even I can't stop the sun from rising.

Lord knows I've tried.