UnREAL (2015–2018): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript
Jesus!
- Chet?
- Yeah.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Well, I could ask you the same thing.
Dan got 2C-E.
It's like a designer drug, and we took it.
We were clowns for... not the funny kind.
I was on the ceiling.
Uh, I liked it.
That sounds very special,
and I'm sorry that I wasn't
there to point and laugh.
Do you know where Rachel is?
Uh, well... she was on the ceiling.
You know what?
Listen, uh, I need to go finish
writing the scripts for the wedding.
Hey, you want to come home
and we'll, uh, spoon you.
I would love to do that, but not tonight.
And you have stuff all
over your face, so no.
I've got to go finish the finale.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Come on, Boo, let's get
food, jerky. You want jerky?
Hey! Stop, for a minute.
Where the hell do you think you're going?
Cheers, thank you.
Hi, I'm, uh... God, I'm so sorry
I'm late. I was just packing.
Uh, I got kind of emotional,
but I am just so ready for
some new skin, you know?
Hi.
You okay?
Uh, not really.
Okay.
Rachel, uh...
I'm so sorry. I can't do this.
What?
Listen, I meant everything I said.
But I had a chance to think about this,
and this thing we have... it's heroin.
It'll burn out and leave one of us
dying alone in a bar in Paris,
and... I can live with that
if it's me, but not you.
Not to mention the fact
that if we leave right now,
we're gonna hurt a lot of people, Rachel.
Holy shit, Adam,
I just burned my entire life
down because you begged me to.
I know, I know, but, Rachel,
you are so compelling.
Oh, my God.
Look, I made a commitment,
and I have to grow up.
I'm honoring my promise.
What about the promise that you made me?
Or did you just sober up?
Rachel, you mean everything to me.
You do.
But we're not good for us.
Okay, I got it.
Cab!
- Rachel, Rachel...
- Cab!
- Wait, Rachel!
- Cab!
Go get me some coffee.
Oh, good boy.
- Don't... not now.
- Oh, yes now.
You should be on your knees
thanking God that I found you
before you made the biggest
mistake of your life,
and that's saying something.
I just ruined her.
Oh, please.
Rachel does that just fine on her own.
I want you to understand I'm not a monster.
- Okay.
- And neither are you.
Rachel can seduce anybody.
That's why I'm here... To
protect her from herself.
So, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Are you giving me a wedding or what?
Fine, yeah.
But if we're gonna do
this, let's do it right.
I want to go to London and do it there.
Love it. Done.
- Perfect.
- Are you okay, though,
with Rachel still being your producer?
No, I'm good. Thank
you. I'll produce myself.
Okay, well, then...
You better start by apologizing to Anna.
Waking up alone? Not a sexy move.
- Uh.
- Hi.
Thought you might need this.
You decided to come back, huh?
Yeah, I'm so sorry about that. I, uh...
Yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night,
and you were gone with a lot of your stuff,
so I figured I should just come back here.
Okay, look, um...
I've been trying to figure
out what's real here, you know?
Yeah. This whole thing's stupid
and getting married on live TV.
We hardly know each other.
Yeah, it's legitimately mental.
Right?
Look, last night was
amazing. You know that, right?
- Really?
- Yes.
Look, can we just...
Can you hang in there for me?
For a little while longer?
Come here.
What part of "get coffee"
do you not understand?
Hello, Brad.
Actually, this is Molly
calling on behalf of Brad.
Oh, well, hello, Molly
calling on behalf of Brad.
Yeah, I just wanted to let you know
that Brad had to cancel your pitch.
Cancel?
Well, but we just personally
confirmed it last night.
- Hey, Quinn.
- Stop.
I-I-I cleared my
schedule, so...
I know. I'm sorry.
Well, can he r-reschedule again?
I mean, when... when...
when is he available again?
I'm not sure.
We're gonna have to
get back to you on that.
Oh, so, in other words, "never."
'Cause that's what you just
said in Hollywood-speak.
I'm so sorry. Can I put
you on hold for one minute?
It's fine, actually, I'm fine.
Take care and just tell
Brad I send my best.
Okay, Quinn, they need you on set.
Just leave me alone.
I told her.
Oh. This should be fun.
What the hell, Longstocking?
Well, Chet and Dr. Wagerstein
are here to make sure
that you don't push me into doing something
that I don't want to do.
Um, pretty sure Chet
took care of that already.
No, he didn't.
That was all consensual.
Aw, that is so sweet.
Did you have to Google that
word after Chet fed it to you?
You know, try and say it again,
except faster and maybe you can spell it.
- You know, con-sens-u...
- Leave the girl alone.
The bottom line is that
lawsuit would damage her
and benefit you.
- You know that.
- Oh, really?
She just came to that all on her own?
- Yeah, I did.
- Please, stop talking.
You know what, Chet? She is a child, okay?
You cannot expect her to tell the truth
- with you sitting here dawdling on your...
- I'm not a child.
I'm a producer.
Excuse me?
Madison's gonna be your new field producer,
and you need to write Dr.
Wagerstein into the show.
You know, more Dr. Phil-type moments.
Get out. Go!
No, you stay.
So, this is why Brad is
suddenly "unavailable" forever?
What, you got to him and
you poisoned the well.
You know, that is career assassination.
And bringing rape charges
against me, that's... that's not?
Come on, what are you doing? We're engaged.
I caught you getting your
knob polished by a teenager.
Whatever. She's a mouth.
Yes, maybe I could have
been a little more prudent.
Oh, good God, Chet.
You want me begging
every time I get a boner?
I'd be mauling you five times a day.
You know who I am.
Yes, I do.
And I thought maybe you could
keep getting your happy endings
while I was out of town,
but banging a kid that works for me?
That is hideous.
First of all, it was a blow
job, and it was an accident.
Oh, was I?
'Cause she was me 15 years ago.
Right?
So, now I'm the wifey...
And you need a new side piece.
All right, sure, yeah.
Madison's an idiot, but so was
I when we started fooling around.
- Quinn...
- Oh, my God.
I think that I actually
started to believe the
crap that we sell here.
What?
Love.
Without hookers or
teenagers or anything but me.
That's what I thought we had... true love.
Yeah.
Just get out of here.
Rachel!
I've been looking for you.
I think Adam blew it last night,
and I don't mean literally.
I heard Adam bailed on her.
I mean, I think I have an opening, right?
- What do you think?
- Oh, my God.
You should totally go for it.
That's what I'm thinking...
Go big or go home, right?
Well, you look like a million bucks.
You know what? Save it.
Two things... one, screw you
for trying to blackmail me,
and two, I'm gonna let
it go if you help me out.
With what, Ms. Certifiable?
I want to produce the greatest finale
in "Everlasting" history.
So Adam proposes, she says yes.
Ah, it's a dream come true.
And then the wedding.
Right, we invite Adam's
friends or whatever family
- family members don't hate his guts.
- So, probably nobody.
Probably, but I can try.
And we just blow it all up?
Live from London.
I mean, it's gonna be a hit
in the ratings, I promise you.
But, I mean, given the,
uh, Lady Gaga make up
and the muddy dress,
I'm assuming there's some kind
of personal motivation here?
Mm-hmm, well, I fell for it
because Adam said that I won... me.
Wow.
Yeah, and then... light
of day changed his mind.
Of course, I mean, I have,
like, a real guy and a real life,
- and I...
- Who? Jeremy?
Whatever, you can salvage that.
I got to show you something.
Just hold on.
You think you're an idiot?
Wedding mags, all tabbed.
It's humiliating, right?
Quinn as the pretty-pretty princess
- with her drug-addict, married prince.
- Mm...
I mean, and then I found the fat jerk
getting a blow job from Madison.
And I really... I thought
I had him cornered.
I did.
But then that lucky bastard
found out and ran an end game
and so now I am dead at the network,
and, shocker, stuck here.
Oh, well, no. I mean, maybe not.
There's got to be a way to
show him up in front of Brad.
I mean, we're talking about Chet.
Right.
- Right?
- Right.
You think you got it all
locked up, but I heard
that Adam was missing from
someone's bed this morning.
Oh, no, we talked about that already.
Oh, really?
He took a walk.
He couldn't sleep
because he was so excited.
And then he apologized for
not being there when I woke up.
I'll e-mail her. Tell Paige I got mono.
Send it to me. I promise you I'll sign it.
What's up, Jer?
Hi.
Rach, what the hell?
- I've been texting you like all day.
- I am so sorry.
I-I-I-I did not mean to
worry you this morning.
They just called me.
It was like an early
morning prep session, but...
I-I'm sorry about that note.
What note?
What did it say?
Did you not get it?
No.
I-It was just like one of those, like,
stupid, girly freak-out notes.
It was stupid, but, um,
everything's fine now, so...
You're a freak.
Okay, let's hustle, people.
Rolling in five.
Anna, Grace, welcome.
Soon enough, Adam will drop to his knee
and ask one of you the
question of a lifetime.
But first, joining us today
is renowned San Francisco
wedding stylist Lydia Trask.
Clap.
Adam told me he's always wanted
a traditional English wedding,
so I'm thinking Princess Di, Grace Kelly.
The dress should be
less about Adam's family
and stuffy traditions
and more about the new life
that Adam and I are gonna have together.
I've pictured this moment
for a really long time.
You look gorgeous. Thank you.
Maybe...
We have a problem.
Just bring it in a little bit tighter.
Tighter?
How many times you gonna
have to barf to make that fit?
Britney?
What the hell... What are you doing here?
Rachel, why the hell is Britney here?
Get her out, please.
This is your idea, isn't it?
She got cut after episode one.
That's not... Britney,
you can't do that, okay?
What is happening? Britney's here.
Turn around.
You're a producer, go figure it out. Oh.
Oh, I love this one.
You can't just step onto my set.
I'm sorry. You mean like your boss,
Chet, invited me to last night?
Do you want me to go get him
and explain that you're
trying to screw me over again?
Chet? That's right.
Chet.
So, stop looking at me
with those watery turd eyes
and get me a damn wedding dress, bitch.
No! God, no, I didn't.
Guys, come on. Why is
she touching the dresses?
Copy. Oh, she's a cheap stunt, not a bride.
I mean, bringing back the
bad girl? They never win.
She better not win, all right?
Because that is a loose
cannon that we cannot control.
I know, I know. It's Doodie
O'Clock. You got to make a big poop.
- Britney?! Seriously?
- Right?
'Cause we got to tease out
all the crazy for London,
and I thought, "Let's do
something really Gonzo this season,
totally left field, like
right field, wrong field."
Come on, Bubba.
Except for the fact that
we've already done it
in three different seasons,
so don't break your arm trying
to pat yourself on the back.
We have?
Yes, we have. I did not know that.
I may have been high when I called her.
You know that all that partying
is gonna kill you, right?
Yeah, but what a way to go.
You know, I've been...
meaning to return this.
You sure?
Quinn.
Look, even with all the
crap that we've been through,
we still managed to make a show,
so let's just make a great finale.
Are we good?
Always.
Booboo... Booboo!
Come on. Come on.
So, let's cut to the chase.
This is a television show, that's all.
Do you think America's
gonna want to tune in
to watch you and Anna-rexia paint a fence?
It's just so boring.
Pick me and we'll do it
till you're cross-eyed,
and then when the show's
over and you break it off,
the audience will be with you,
'cause I'm just a
hot-bloode Latina temptress
with a banging body and a sexy bikini line
that will get a lot of exposure.
Sounds intriguing.
Mm.
You already know what my mouth can do.
Imagine what the rest of me feels like.
That would be great. Thank you.
Hey, I don't know if you
heard. Britney is back.
As in Britney, episode one,
she stuck her tongue down your throat.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
Right, so anyways, it's Chet's big idea.
I'm just thinking that we're
gonna say something like
you regret that you let her go so
soon, you love an underdog, and...
Dude, please, seriously,
come on. We're stuck with her.
Help me out. Yeah, no, no.
I'll... I'll... I'll make...
I'll make it work, yeah.
- Okay.
- Listen, uh, Rachel...
I just feel that we
need to maybe, 'cause...
Don't. It's okay. No hard feelings.
Really?
I promise.
We have a wedding to plan in London.
Yeah, no, absolutely.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, I'm... I'm in, I'm in, yeah.
Okay, so I just want to
assume that it's gonna be Anna.
Uh, actually, um... Oh?
I just had a candid
conversation with Grace,
I'm starting to think I might
go with the other option.
Yes, well, I called it, I
just want to say, day one.
No, you didn't. The bikini model.
She just... no, she accepts me
for the selfish manwhore that I am.
All right, that's okay.
I will make sure that we
feature her moving forward.
So we're okay? We're... we're good?
We're 100%.
Okay.
Welcome back to the show.
It's very nice to be back.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Your hair looks different.
- Uh, it's called ombre.
I just found out that
Adam's picking, uh, Grace.
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
But I can turn Grace, too. It's fine.
I think we're right on schedule.
Okay, good. All right. How's this?
I'm completely lovable.
She's a train wreck.
But she's Chet's train wreck.
- Thank you.
- Here you go.
Hey. This looks nice.
- It's cozy.
- Mm-hmm.
So, Adam told me.
Good news travels fast.
Okay, Grace, listen, I know
that you want to win the show,
and I think... actually, it
would actually be really great,
but I-I'm just telling
you this as a friend...
Okay, the thing is that Adam is...
Gonna propose to me and I'm gonna say yes.
Even though he's sleeping around?
Not a problem.
Well, even though he's sleeping with me?
We had sex last night... dirty sex.
He almost left the show for me.
But he didn't.
Okay, look, I'm just telling you, okay,
the guy is a manipulator, he is a slut,
he is gonna end up humiliating
you one way or the other.
But I do have a way I think
you could win and save face.
See, the thing is, Rachel,
you 're a manipulating slut,
and you'd happily humiliate me, I'm sure.
Grace, that's not true.
Yes, you would, Rachel, so
I'm gonna stick to my plan.
On your mark.
A pretty crazy season, huh?
Yeah, I know, it was a...
that was pretty insane.
Especially with having...
Mary, that was just the worst.
Yeah, of course,
but it's been pretty dramatic
lately, though, right?
I don't follow.
Last night, Rachel.
She told me.
She did?
You're not gonna hit me right now, are you?
Honestly, I wouldn't blame you,
but if you can just wait till after
the wedding, then you can have at it.
Won't be necessary.
That's big of you, really.
Honestly, it was just a fling,
and we got a little carried away,
but we're never gonna run away together.
Yeah.
No, I-I... I get it.
Guess we both dodged a bullet on that one.
So you told Grace that you slept with Adam
- and she still wants to marry him.
- Yes.
Look I'm not done yet, but,
listen, say next season,
this all works out,
we're in control, right?
What about a show about men and women
- who are like distinguished public servants?
- More candles, please. More candles.
- Bored.
- They work at the Royal Ballet.
Bored-er. All right, ballet?
- They don't have boobs.
- Politicians. D.C.
Yeah, D.C. is Hollywood
for ugly people, all right?
Stop standing around! You
should be doing something.
Fine. Fine. Okay, you know what?
We keep the package exactly the same,
but we just make a... a strong,
completely enforced ban on all bikinis.
Why are you standing around?
You have a job. Do it. Ban on bikinis?
- Yes.
- No, we'd lose our audience.
We're not PBS, okay?
Okay, you want something just
completely out of the box,
super crazy?
- Are you ready?
- Go.
Wait for it.
A show about women who have careers
and actually talk about them.
So, it's "The Apprentice"
meets "Everlasting"?
That's not what...
No, wait, girls have to
compete for a husband and a job,
so maybe the suitor owns a company
and he has to hire some of them.
Come on, sleeping with your
boss is so hot right now.
It's so not what I'm talking about.
"Everlasting: The Whole Package."
Pun intended. Come on. It's a great idea.
- That's awesome.
- Here's your coffee.
No, you're too late. I don't want it.
So, the wedding, should there be one,
will take place at my
family's ancestral home,
which some might call a castle.
Oh.
Okay, that is a cut, everyone.
Welcome to merry, old England, darlings.
We are flying out tomorrow,
so just get locked and loaded, okay?
- You heard her.
- Hey, guys, travel just asked me
if you want to share a room in London.
Sure.
Yeah, that's cool. Right, Rach?
Come on, it'll be fun, right?
Sounds like a blast, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay, cool.
Okay, I went back to Grace...
That girl will not budge.
She and Adam formed some, like,
weird, non-American trade
agreement or something.
I mean, no matter what we throw
at her, she's just not gonna do it.
I'm just gonna get Adam back into Anna.
There's just no way that she's
gonna put up with any of this crap.
All right, you don't, and I'm swallowing
a bottle of diet pills
as a gesture of dissent.
I cannot live through
another year of bulimia
and side-boob covered in glitter.
You and me both. I'm on it.
- Don't worry.
- You want me to try?
I mean, 'cause it's not like
he's taking girlfriend
advice from you at this point.
You know what? I finally
found myself a ringer.
If anyone can turn him, it's her.
How we doing? Give me an update.
- Got her.
- Wonderful.
Ladies, we're gonna start
shooting in two minutes.
Duchess Cromwell, hi, I'm Rachel.
We spoke on the phone.
I'm so glad you could make it.
Couldn't get anyone else, hmm?
I'm sure you must think
all this last-minute wedding
stuff is incredibly crass.
Please, I was snorting blow
off Mick Jagger's... you know
two days before I married an
impotent duke for his title.
Well, if that's the case, I think
you're really gonna love these girls.
- The names...
- Ugh!
I don't need names.
Camera "A," eyes up.
Copy that.
Her royal highness,
the Duchess of Sandwich, Camille Cromwell.
Young ladies, please take your seats.
I will join you.
Who is that?
It's his grandmother. How do you know that?
Slut.
Who here has slept with my grandson?
So, Granny, which of
these girls do you like?
You just need a picture
bride, a Kate Middleton,
someone to make pretty
babies and pose well.
I think Grace is perfect for that.
The Latin one? Adam.
I know, but her father's a horse breeder.
He's got plenty of land.
- She's quite smart.
- Oh, she's delicious.
I'm sure the two of you
have had a lovely romp,
but we don't marry brown people...
We just don't.
What about the other
one, the porcelain doll.
- What's her name?
- Anna.
- That one.
- Yeah.
She possesses one of
the most glorious traits
few Americans have...
She knows when to keep
her bloody mouth shut.
And she seems to know
a bit about the family.
Do you think they would like her better?
If you want to get back in
the Cromwells' good graces,
marry the little doll,
start popping out heirs...
The whole lot will come running.
Either way, it seems you might need this.
Wow.
So, I can take this as your blessing?
Just be thankful you're not getting
some hideous, horse-toothed
cousin we foisted on you.
Times have changed for
the better, my poppet.
Today, here in this garden,
Adam will propose to one
of our remaining ladies.
Should she accept, she
will take her first step
to becoming a princess
as she weds Adam tomorrow
on live television.
You know, I'm not in line
to be the prince or anything?
Since when do we care
about facts on this show?
Adam?
- Enough talking. Get out there.
- He's coming, ladies.
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
Now, Adam, are you ready
to pop the question?
After much consideration, yes.
Each of you are so remarkable,
and I can imagine my life with most of you.
Well, here goes nothing.
Grace...
you know the powerful
connection that we shared.
But I'm sorry, you're just not my wife.
Anna...
seeing you here today in
my country with my family...
I realize how beautifully you fit in here
and how beautifully we fit, and I...
only hope that you feel the same way, too.
I do.
Good luck with that, Anna.
Thank you.
Camera "A," can you push
in on the royal bullshit?
Camera B, please stay on Grace.
Okay, go, Madison, get the interview.
But I wanted to see the doves.
Oh, they're not doves, they're
just pigeons painted white.
Go.
Anna Martin of Atlanta, Georgia,
will you marry me and make me
the luckiest man in the world?
Yes, of course.
Yeah!
That dress is amazing.
- Oh, look at that ring.
- I love you, Adam.
- And I love you.
- Go, doves.
Doves, doves, doves.
Wow. That is pretty good.
Now go grab Anna before she gets
hypnotized by that devil rock.
Hey, can I talk to you?
Sure, what's up?
Everybody, um, I was just wondering
if I could have your
attention for a minute?
Jeremy, what are you doing?
I, uh, I think you guys know...
A little bit too much, probably...
About, uh, this woman and my relationship.
You know that I love you, always will,
and you'll never find
anybody who loves you more.
So, while we're in the
incredibly romantic place,
I was just wondering if I could ask you...
Jeremy...
Wanted to ask here in front of everyone...
Um...
Oh. You all right?
How stupid do you think I am?
I know, Rach...
about Adam.
How many times are you gonna
make me look like a fool
in front of these people, my family?
I needed them to hear this
in case I ever lose it again
and think you're anything less than poison.
Put that away. You know
how I always used to say
that the show's bad for you
and how it brings out the ugliness in you?
I was wrong, Rach.
It's you that's ugly.
And we're not just done.
I'm gonna make sure you never
hurt anyone like this again.
What? Britney, relax.
Take that, bitch! All right, Britney, go.
Everybody, back to work.
We've still got a wedding to produce.
Oh, God, don't do that!
What? What?
Look at me so early in the morning.
Are you feeling any better?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay, great. Well, get up.
I've seen that look in
your eyes before, all right?
I know you got double dumped
and you're on the edge,
but today is not the day that
you get to lose your mind,
you hear me? Sit down.
Tomorrow, you can jump
off the Golden Gate Bridge,
walk into traffic, whatever,
but today, I need you on your toes.
I need you to stick with the plan, okay?
Think you can do that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Good.
You know what you need to do?
Yeah.
Then go do it.
Yeah, we got flowers going.
Looks pretty good, huh?
What do you think?
What are we doing? I
just want to talk to you.
I just need to know.
Okay, something happened,
something changed,
- and I really want to know what it is.
- What do you mean?
You know I can handle it. I
want you to tell me the truth.
Was the sex bad or was
it something that I said?
Rachel, we talked about this.
You said that everything was fine.
No, it's not fine. I'm not fine.
Yesterday, you were begging
me to run away with you,
and six hours later, you
say you changed your mind.
Something happened and I really
want to know what it is, Adam.
Look, Rachel, okay, we... We can
talk about this, but another time.
I have to go to a wedding
right now... My wedding.
I have to honor that.
Honor?! You're gonna honor that wedding?
That wedding is a lie... we both know it.
What are you talking...
Yeah, of course it is,
but I still have to make
it look real, don't I?
Otherwise, this has all gone to waste...
No vineyard, no public rehabilitation.
What if you fall in love with her
and you get her pregnant and you
have, like, children with her?
That could really happen.
I'm going to annul at the end of the year.
Anna's sweet, but wha... I mean, love?
Please, just tell me what's wrong with me.
- Okay, look, I don't have time for this.
- Just tell me what's wrong with me!
I have to go.
I'm sorry. I just need to know.
Look, as a friend, I just wanted you to
know what you were getting yourself into.
"As a friend"... right.
Yeah, as a friend.
Okay, I mean... what do I
have to gain by doing all that?
What are you gonna do?
I'll let you know.
Excuse me.
Rolling in five, people.
- Let's hustle.
- So, did you talk to Anna yet?
Mm-hmm. It's a 70/30 she's in, but yeah.
I started giving him shots an hour ago.
I think we're good.
13 seasons, we finally
get a live wedding on TV.
This is gonna be fantastic.
Well, you've outdone yourself, buddy.
Three minutes, people. Three minutes.
Okay, whenever you're ready, babe.
You know what? I'm gonna
let you do it this time.
- It's your show.
- That's all right. You always do it.
- This is live.
- Oh, I don't want to steal your thunder.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
We're going live in 10...
9...8...
Where did you get that?
7...6... 5... A groom to remember.
4...3...
Going live. Mm? Action.
Where's the bride?
She's not coming.
Anyone have eyes on Anna?
Where is she?
Camera "A," do you see her?
Where... where is, uh... where is she?
You got the bride? Do you
know where the bride is?
Oh, you guys can sit down.
What is happening?
Um, Anna got cold feet.
This has never happened before
in the history of "Everlasting,"
but...
we have a runaway bride.
What?!
Yeah, Adam, I really don't
know how to say this to you,
but, um...
you are going home alone.
There's gonna be no "Royal Renovations."
She can't say that.
Adam, you're free to go.
Oh, hell, I'll take him. What's going on?
What? It's all for show, anyway, right?
Adam, you love me
about as much as you
love any of these girls,
which is not at all.
What's going on?
Cut, cut... go to commercial.
- The creator of this show, Chet...
- Cut, cut, cut.
Brought me on the show to sleep with me.
This show is his personal whorehouse.
Who is that?
Britney is... Get her out of her.
That was Chet's idea to
bring back a bad girl.
She can't say that. We're
on live television, man.
- The audience wants to believe it's real.
- I have it.
- The audience needs to believe it's real.
- I have it.
- What are you gonna do?
- Go to three.
Someone find Adam, please.
All right, not all of you.
Someone get reactions. Down for reactions.
Don't go down to the floor.
You got to go up...
This is live television.
You got to fix this.
Oh, uh, what, me?
I-I'm... I'm just a P.A.
that slept my way to the top.
Camera three. Please.
I want your full support moving forward.
Anything.
I'm about to lose my job.
- They ruin your lives!
- Hello?
- Someone go down.
- I know. I am on it.
Audio mic, cut on Britney.
I need Camera 1, follow Britney
and stick with her like glue.
I need Camera 2, reactions on Granny.
Camera 3, I need close-ups on Adam.
And, Rachel, I need you
to get security in here.
- Get Britney out.
- See, this is what they do.
- Here we go.
- They make you disappear.
Adam, tell 'em! Adam!
I need you to follow the security guards.
- Adam!
- Where are you, Camera 2?
Is your hand up your ass crack?
I need a camera outside,
out back, right now, and go.
Copy that.
I think it's going pretty well.
Stay on, stay on. Anna!
Ugh, I'm too old for this.
All right, come on. Stand down.
Stand down. Stand down.
Get to the top, go. Out of her face.
Anna, why'd you do this?
I mean, after everything the
two of you have been through,
it must have been pretty
bad, huh, for you to, uh,
have left him... at the altar.
Every little girl dreams of this day,
of this moment,
but that doesn't mean that I
would go for it at any cost.
When I stopped and I really thought
about my time with Adam...
That's real. This is as real as it gets.
And the possibility of a life with him,
I realized he's a cheating slut.
And while I might have eventually
been able to forgive him for that,
I had to accept the fact
that he's just not that smart.
He's an idiot.
Definitely not the man for me.
No, you just keep watching.
You're gonna love it.
Absolutely. Oh, we're all good here.
All right. Wow.
You did this? Did you do this?
Me? No. Look, Anna just found out...
I mean, like, you show
me, you're a bad bet.
Rachel, you and me...
What was I supposed to do
after everything Quinn told me?
What? I'm sorry... Quinn told you?
Look, she told me everything.
Everything what? What did she say?
The hospitalizations with mental problems?
Oh, my... I was never hospitalized.
They told me all about
last year, so, I mean...
it made sense.
Adam, she lied to you and to me.
And, what, you just believed her?
Or, you know, maybe you wanted to.
Rachel.
Got it.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Why the long face, Eeyore?
We won.
Please tell me that you are
not wasting your victory lap
crying about boys.
I'm just trying to figure out why he, uh...
you know, what happened with Adam.
Anything you want to tell me about that?
You know, forget the "why."
He dumped you. Done. Moving on.
Actually, I'm pretty interested
in the why in this case.
What, you mean, why you're
not coming out of a blackout
on the beach in Tahiti,
using your panties as a pillow,
dumped and realizing you ruined your life
on some half-wit, narcissist man doll?
Yeah, I mean, God forbid I
make my own mistakes, right?
Like you haven't made enough of those.
Fine. Blame it on me.
I don't give a shit.
You should be kneeling
down, thanking whatever
that you didn't end up
as "Everlasting's" ultimate
tabloid idiot, all right?
This was a gift.
A gift?
Wow.
Wow.
Love is swell...
but it is not something
you build a life around.
Actually, some people do.
Oh, some people? What, like Mary?
Nice.
Really nice.
We killed somebody, didn't we?
Yeah.
Let's not do that again.
No.
Just another mind-numbing season
of "Everlasting."
Wait.
Not "The Whole Package"?
I thought that was kind of a good idea.
Yeah, I mean, it's a good title,
but I don't think our audience cares
about girls who have jobs.
Whatever.
Just no murder next season, okay?
I mean
At least not with the
contestants behind the scenes,
I can't be so sure.
Excuse me?
Well, I mean, I'm sure Jeremy
would like to see me dead...
for example.
Yeah.
Well, he gives you any
trouble, I'll have his head.
What?
Nothing.
No. Tell me.
I love you.
You know that, right?
I love you, too.
Weirdo.
Stop walking on the rocks!
Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.
Jeremy!
What a surprise.
Is... Is Rachel with you?
No. This is actually about her.
She's really sick again.
We have to do something.
Come in.
- Chet?
- Yeah.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Well, I could ask you the same thing.
Dan got 2C-E.
It's like a designer drug, and we took it.
We were clowns for... not the funny kind.
I was on the ceiling.
Uh, I liked it.
That sounds very special,
and I'm sorry that I wasn't
there to point and laugh.
Do you know where Rachel is?
Uh, well... she was on the ceiling.
You know what?
Listen, uh, I need to go finish
writing the scripts for the wedding.
Hey, you want to come home
and we'll, uh, spoon you.
I would love to do that, but not tonight.
And you have stuff all
over your face, so no.
I've got to go finish the finale.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Come on, Boo, let's get
food, jerky. You want jerky?
Hey! Stop, for a minute.
Where the hell do you think you're going?
Cheers, thank you.
Hi, I'm, uh... God, I'm so sorry
I'm late. I was just packing.
Uh, I got kind of emotional,
but I am just so ready for
some new skin, you know?
Hi.
You okay?
Uh, not really.
Okay.
Rachel, uh...
I'm so sorry. I can't do this.
What?
Listen, I meant everything I said.
But I had a chance to think about this,
and this thing we have... it's heroin.
It'll burn out and leave one of us
dying alone in a bar in Paris,
and... I can live with that
if it's me, but not you.
Not to mention the fact
that if we leave right now,
we're gonna hurt a lot of people, Rachel.
Holy shit, Adam,
I just burned my entire life
down because you begged me to.
I know, I know, but, Rachel,
you are so compelling.
Oh, my God.
Look, I made a commitment,
and I have to grow up.
I'm honoring my promise.
What about the promise that you made me?
Or did you just sober up?
Rachel, you mean everything to me.
You do.
But we're not good for us.
Okay, I got it.
Cab!
- Rachel, Rachel...
- Cab!
- Wait, Rachel!
- Cab!
Go get me some coffee.
Oh, good boy.
- Don't... not now.
- Oh, yes now.
You should be on your knees
thanking God that I found you
before you made the biggest
mistake of your life,
and that's saying something.
I just ruined her.
Oh, please.
Rachel does that just fine on her own.
I want you to understand I'm not a monster.
- Okay.
- And neither are you.
Rachel can seduce anybody.
That's why I'm here... To
protect her from herself.
So, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Are you giving me a wedding or what?
Fine, yeah.
But if we're gonna do
this, let's do it right.
I want to go to London and do it there.
Love it. Done.
- Perfect.
- Are you okay, though,
with Rachel still being your producer?
No, I'm good. Thank
you. I'll produce myself.
Okay, well, then...
You better start by apologizing to Anna.
Waking up alone? Not a sexy move.
- Uh.
- Hi.
Thought you might need this.
You decided to come back, huh?
Yeah, I'm so sorry about that. I, uh...
Yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night,
and you were gone with a lot of your stuff,
so I figured I should just come back here.
Okay, look, um...
I've been trying to figure
out what's real here, you know?
Yeah. This whole thing's stupid
and getting married on live TV.
We hardly know each other.
Yeah, it's legitimately mental.
Right?
Look, last night was
amazing. You know that, right?
- Really?
- Yes.
Look, can we just...
Can you hang in there for me?
For a little while longer?
Come here.
What part of "get coffee"
do you not understand?
Hello, Brad.
Actually, this is Molly
calling on behalf of Brad.
Oh, well, hello, Molly
calling on behalf of Brad.
Yeah, I just wanted to let you know
that Brad had to cancel your pitch.
Cancel?
Well, but we just personally
confirmed it last night.
- Hey, Quinn.
- Stop.
I-I-I cleared my
schedule, so...
I know. I'm sorry.
Well, can he r-reschedule again?
I mean, when... when...
when is he available again?
I'm not sure.
We're gonna have to
get back to you on that.
Oh, so, in other words, "never."
'Cause that's what you just
said in Hollywood-speak.
I'm so sorry. Can I put
you on hold for one minute?
It's fine, actually, I'm fine.
Take care and just tell
Brad I send my best.
Okay, Quinn, they need you on set.
Just leave me alone.
I told her.
Oh. This should be fun.
What the hell, Longstocking?
Well, Chet and Dr. Wagerstein
are here to make sure
that you don't push me into doing something
that I don't want to do.
Um, pretty sure Chet
took care of that already.
No, he didn't.
That was all consensual.
Aw, that is so sweet.
Did you have to Google that
word after Chet fed it to you?
You know, try and say it again,
except faster and maybe you can spell it.
- You know, con-sens-u...
- Leave the girl alone.
The bottom line is that
lawsuit would damage her
and benefit you.
- You know that.
- Oh, really?
She just came to that all on her own?
- Yeah, I did.
- Please, stop talking.
You know what, Chet? She is a child, okay?
You cannot expect her to tell the truth
- with you sitting here dawdling on your...
- I'm not a child.
I'm a producer.
Excuse me?
Madison's gonna be your new field producer,
and you need to write Dr.
Wagerstein into the show.
You know, more Dr. Phil-type moments.
Get out. Go!
No, you stay.
So, this is why Brad is
suddenly "unavailable" forever?
What, you got to him and
you poisoned the well.
You know, that is career assassination.
And bringing rape charges
against me, that's... that's not?
Come on, what are you doing? We're engaged.
I caught you getting your
knob polished by a teenager.
Whatever. She's a mouth.
Yes, maybe I could have
been a little more prudent.
Oh, good God, Chet.
You want me begging
every time I get a boner?
I'd be mauling you five times a day.
You know who I am.
Yes, I do.
And I thought maybe you could
keep getting your happy endings
while I was out of town,
but banging a kid that works for me?
That is hideous.
First of all, it was a blow
job, and it was an accident.
Oh, was I?
'Cause she was me 15 years ago.
Right?
So, now I'm the wifey...
And you need a new side piece.
All right, sure, yeah.
Madison's an idiot, but so was
I when we started fooling around.
- Quinn...
- Oh, my God.
I think that I actually
started to believe the
crap that we sell here.
What?
Love.
Without hookers or
teenagers or anything but me.
That's what I thought we had... true love.
Yeah.
Just get out of here.
Rachel!
I've been looking for you.
I think Adam blew it last night,
and I don't mean literally.
I heard Adam bailed on her.
I mean, I think I have an opening, right?
- What do you think?
- Oh, my God.
You should totally go for it.
That's what I'm thinking...
Go big or go home, right?
Well, you look like a million bucks.
You know what? Save it.
Two things... one, screw you
for trying to blackmail me,
and two, I'm gonna let
it go if you help me out.
With what, Ms. Certifiable?
I want to produce the greatest finale
in "Everlasting" history.
So Adam proposes, she says yes.
Ah, it's a dream come true.
And then the wedding.
Right, we invite Adam's
friends or whatever family
- family members don't hate his guts.
- So, probably nobody.
Probably, but I can try.
And we just blow it all up?
Live from London.
I mean, it's gonna be a hit
in the ratings, I promise you.
But, I mean, given the,
uh, Lady Gaga make up
and the muddy dress,
I'm assuming there's some kind
of personal motivation here?
Mm-hmm, well, I fell for it
because Adam said that I won... me.
Wow.
Yeah, and then... light
of day changed his mind.
Of course, I mean, I have,
like, a real guy and a real life,
- and I...
- Who? Jeremy?
Whatever, you can salvage that.
I got to show you something.
Just hold on.
You think you're an idiot?
Wedding mags, all tabbed.
It's humiliating, right?
Quinn as the pretty-pretty princess
- with her drug-addict, married prince.
- Mm...
I mean, and then I found the fat jerk
getting a blow job from Madison.
And I really... I thought
I had him cornered.
I did.
But then that lucky bastard
found out and ran an end game
and so now I am dead at the network,
and, shocker, stuck here.
Oh, well, no. I mean, maybe not.
There's got to be a way to
show him up in front of Brad.
I mean, we're talking about Chet.
Right.
- Right?
- Right.
You think you got it all
locked up, but I heard
that Adam was missing from
someone's bed this morning.
Oh, no, we talked about that already.
Oh, really?
He took a walk.
He couldn't sleep
because he was so excited.
And then he apologized for
not being there when I woke up.
I'll e-mail her. Tell Paige I got mono.
Send it to me. I promise you I'll sign it.
What's up, Jer?
Hi.
Rach, what the hell?
- I've been texting you like all day.
- I am so sorry.
I-I-I-I did not mean to
worry you this morning.
They just called me.
It was like an early
morning prep session, but...
I-I'm sorry about that note.
What note?
What did it say?
Did you not get it?
No.
I-It was just like one of those, like,
stupid, girly freak-out notes.
It was stupid, but, um,
everything's fine now, so...
You're a freak.
Okay, let's hustle, people.
Rolling in five.
Anna, Grace, welcome.
Soon enough, Adam will drop to his knee
and ask one of you the
question of a lifetime.
But first, joining us today
is renowned San Francisco
wedding stylist Lydia Trask.
Clap.
Adam told me he's always wanted
a traditional English wedding,
so I'm thinking Princess Di, Grace Kelly.
The dress should be
less about Adam's family
and stuffy traditions
and more about the new life
that Adam and I are gonna have together.
I've pictured this moment
for a really long time.
You look gorgeous. Thank you.
Maybe...
We have a problem.
Just bring it in a little bit tighter.
Tighter?
How many times you gonna
have to barf to make that fit?
Britney?
What the hell... What are you doing here?
Rachel, why the hell is Britney here?
Get her out, please.
This is your idea, isn't it?
She got cut after episode one.
That's not... Britney,
you can't do that, okay?
What is happening? Britney's here.
Turn around.
You're a producer, go figure it out. Oh.
Oh, I love this one.
You can't just step onto my set.
I'm sorry. You mean like your boss,
Chet, invited me to last night?
Do you want me to go get him
and explain that you're
trying to screw me over again?
Chet? That's right.
Chet.
So, stop looking at me
with those watery turd eyes
and get me a damn wedding dress, bitch.
No! God, no, I didn't.
Guys, come on. Why is
she touching the dresses?
Copy. Oh, she's a cheap stunt, not a bride.
I mean, bringing back the
bad girl? They never win.
She better not win, all right?
Because that is a loose
cannon that we cannot control.
I know, I know. It's Doodie
O'Clock. You got to make a big poop.
- Britney?! Seriously?
- Right?
'Cause we got to tease out
all the crazy for London,
and I thought, "Let's do
something really Gonzo this season,
totally left field, like
right field, wrong field."
Come on, Bubba.
Except for the fact that
we've already done it
in three different seasons,
so don't break your arm trying
to pat yourself on the back.
We have?
Yes, we have. I did not know that.
I may have been high when I called her.
You know that all that partying
is gonna kill you, right?
Yeah, but what a way to go.
You know, I've been...
meaning to return this.
You sure?
Quinn.
Look, even with all the
crap that we've been through,
we still managed to make a show,
so let's just make a great finale.
Are we good?
Always.
Booboo... Booboo!
Come on. Come on.
So, let's cut to the chase.
This is a television show, that's all.
Do you think America's
gonna want to tune in
to watch you and Anna-rexia paint a fence?
It's just so boring.
Pick me and we'll do it
till you're cross-eyed,
and then when the show's
over and you break it off,
the audience will be with you,
'cause I'm just a
hot-bloode Latina temptress
with a banging body and a sexy bikini line
that will get a lot of exposure.
Sounds intriguing.
Mm.
You already know what my mouth can do.
Imagine what the rest of me feels like.
That would be great. Thank you.
Hey, I don't know if you
heard. Britney is back.
As in Britney, episode one,
she stuck her tongue down your throat.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
Right, so anyways, it's Chet's big idea.
I'm just thinking that we're
gonna say something like
you regret that you let her go so
soon, you love an underdog, and...
Dude, please, seriously,
come on. We're stuck with her.
Help me out. Yeah, no, no.
I'll... I'll... I'll make...
I'll make it work, yeah.
- Okay.
- Listen, uh, Rachel...
I just feel that we
need to maybe, 'cause...
Don't. It's okay. No hard feelings.
Really?
I promise.
We have a wedding to plan in London.
Yeah, no, absolutely.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, I'm... I'm in, I'm in, yeah.
Okay, so I just want to
assume that it's gonna be Anna.
Uh, actually, um... Oh?
I just had a candid
conversation with Grace,
I'm starting to think I might
go with the other option.
Yes, well, I called it, I
just want to say, day one.
No, you didn't. The bikini model.
She just... no, she accepts me
for the selfish manwhore that I am.
All right, that's okay.
I will make sure that we
feature her moving forward.
So we're okay? We're... we're good?
We're 100%.
Okay.
Welcome back to the show.
It's very nice to be back.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Your hair looks different.
- Uh, it's called ombre.
I just found out that
Adam's picking, uh, Grace.
- Huh.
- Mm-hmm.
But I can turn Grace, too. It's fine.
I think we're right on schedule.
Okay, good. All right. How's this?
I'm completely lovable.
She's a train wreck.
But she's Chet's train wreck.
- Thank you.
- Here you go.
Hey. This looks nice.
- It's cozy.
- Mm-hmm.
So, Adam told me.
Good news travels fast.
Okay, Grace, listen, I know
that you want to win the show,
and I think... actually, it
would actually be really great,
but I-I'm just telling
you this as a friend...
Okay, the thing is that Adam is...
Gonna propose to me and I'm gonna say yes.
Even though he's sleeping around?
Not a problem.
Well, even though he's sleeping with me?
We had sex last night... dirty sex.
He almost left the show for me.
But he didn't.
Okay, look, I'm just telling you, okay,
the guy is a manipulator, he is a slut,
he is gonna end up humiliating
you one way or the other.
But I do have a way I think
you could win and save face.
See, the thing is, Rachel,
you 're a manipulating slut,
and you'd happily humiliate me, I'm sure.
Grace, that's not true.
Yes, you would, Rachel, so
I'm gonna stick to my plan.
On your mark.
A pretty crazy season, huh?
Yeah, I know, it was a...
that was pretty insane.
Especially with having...
Mary, that was just the worst.
Yeah, of course,
but it's been pretty dramatic
lately, though, right?
I don't follow.
Last night, Rachel.
She told me.
She did?
You're not gonna hit me right now, are you?
Honestly, I wouldn't blame you,
but if you can just wait till after
the wedding, then you can have at it.
Won't be necessary.
That's big of you, really.
Honestly, it was just a fling,
and we got a little carried away,
but we're never gonna run away together.
Yeah.
No, I-I... I get it.
Guess we both dodged a bullet on that one.
So you told Grace that you slept with Adam
- and she still wants to marry him.
- Yes.
Look I'm not done yet, but,
listen, say next season,
this all works out,
we're in control, right?
What about a show about men and women
- who are like distinguished public servants?
- More candles, please. More candles.
- Bored.
- They work at the Royal Ballet.
Bored-er. All right, ballet?
- They don't have boobs.
- Politicians. D.C.
Yeah, D.C. is Hollywood
for ugly people, all right?
Stop standing around! You
should be doing something.
Fine. Fine. Okay, you know what?
We keep the package exactly the same,
but we just make a... a strong,
completely enforced ban on all bikinis.
Why are you standing around?
You have a job. Do it. Ban on bikinis?
- Yes.
- No, we'd lose our audience.
We're not PBS, okay?
Okay, you want something just
completely out of the box,
super crazy?
- Are you ready?
- Go.
Wait for it.
A show about women who have careers
and actually talk about them.
So, it's "The Apprentice"
meets "Everlasting"?
That's not what...
No, wait, girls have to
compete for a husband and a job,
so maybe the suitor owns a company
and he has to hire some of them.
Come on, sleeping with your
boss is so hot right now.
It's so not what I'm talking about.
"Everlasting: The Whole Package."
Pun intended. Come on. It's a great idea.
- That's awesome.
- Here's your coffee.
No, you're too late. I don't want it.
So, the wedding, should there be one,
will take place at my
family's ancestral home,
which some might call a castle.
Oh.
Okay, that is a cut, everyone.
Welcome to merry, old England, darlings.
We are flying out tomorrow,
so just get locked and loaded, okay?
- You heard her.
- Hey, guys, travel just asked me
if you want to share a room in London.
Sure.
Yeah, that's cool. Right, Rach?
Come on, it'll be fun, right?
Sounds like a blast, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Okay, cool.
Okay, I went back to Grace...
That girl will not budge.
She and Adam formed some, like,
weird, non-American trade
agreement or something.
I mean, no matter what we throw
at her, she's just not gonna do it.
I'm just gonna get Adam back into Anna.
There's just no way that she's
gonna put up with any of this crap.
All right, you don't, and I'm swallowing
a bottle of diet pills
as a gesture of dissent.
I cannot live through
another year of bulimia
and side-boob covered in glitter.
You and me both. I'm on it.
- Don't worry.
- You want me to try?
I mean, 'cause it's not like
he's taking girlfriend
advice from you at this point.
You know what? I finally
found myself a ringer.
If anyone can turn him, it's her.
How we doing? Give me an update.
- Got her.
- Wonderful.
Ladies, we're gonna start
shooting in two minutes.
Duchess Cromwell, hi, I'm Rachel.
We spoke on the phone.
I'm so glad you could make it.
Couldn't get anyone else, hmm?
I'm sure you must think
all this last-minute wedding
stuff is incredibly crass.
Please, I was snorting blow
off Mick Jagger's... you know
two days before I married an
impotent duke for his title.
Well, if that's the case, I think
you're really gonna love these girls.
- The names...
- Ugh!
I don't need names.
Camera "A," eyes up.
Copy that.
Her royal highness,
the Duchess of Sandwich, Camille Cromwell.
Young ladies, please take your seats.
I will join you.
Who is that?
It's his grandmother. How do you know that?
Slut.
Who here has slept with my grandson?
So, Granny, which of
these girls do you like?
You just need a picture
bride, a Kate Middleton,
someone to make pretty
babies and pose well.
I think Grace is perfect for that.
The Latin one? Adam.
I know, but her father's a horse breeder.
He's got plenty of land.
- She's quite smart.
- Oh, she's delicious.
I'm sure the two of you
have had a lovely romp,
but we don't marry brown people...
We just don't.
What about the other
one, the porcelain doll.
- What's her name?
- Anna.
- That one.
- Yeah.
She possesses one of
the most glorious traits
few Americans have...
She knows when to keep
her bloody mouth shut.
And she seems to know
a bit about the family.
Do you think they would like her better?
If you want to get back in
the Cromwells' good graces,
marry the little doll,
start popping out heirs...
The whole lot will come running.
Either way, it seems you might need this.
Wow.
So, I can take this as your blessing?
Just be thankful you're not getting
some hideous, horse-toothed
cousin we foisted on you.
Times have changed for
the better, my poppet.
Today, here in this garden,
Adam will propose to one
of our remaining ladies.
Should she accept, she
will take her first step
to becoming a princess
as she weds Adam tomorrow
on live television.
You know, I'm not in line
to be the prince or anything?
Since when do we care
about facts on this show?
Adam?
- Enough talking. Get out there.
- He's coming, ladies.
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
Now, Adam, are you ready
to pop the question?
After much consideration, yes.
Each of you are so remarkable,
and I can imagine my life with most of you.
Well, here goes nothing.
Grace...
you know the powerful
connection that we shared.
But I'm sorry, you're just not my wife.
Anna...
seeing you here today in
my country with my family...
I realize how beautifully you fit in here
and how beautifully we fit, and I...
only hope that you feel the same way, too.
I do.
Good luck with that, Anna.
Thank you.
Camera "A," can you push
in on the royal bullshit?
Camera B, please stay on Grace.
Okay, go, Madison, get the interview.
But I wanted to see the doves.
Oh, they're not doves, they're
just pigeons painted white.
Go.
Anna Martin of Atlanta, Georgia,
will you marry me and make me
the luckiest man in the world?
Yes, of course.
Yeah!
That dress is amazing.
- Oh, look at that ring.
- I love you, Adam.
- And I love you.
- Go, doves.
Doves, doves, doves.
Wow. That is pretty good.
Now go grab Anna before she gets
hypnotized by that devil rock.
Hey, can I talk to you?
Sure, what's up?
Everybody, um, I was just wondering
if I could have your
attention for a minute?
Jeremy, what are you doing?
I, uh, I think you guys know...
A little bit too much, probably...
About, uh, this woman and my relationship.
You know that I love you, always will,
and you'll never find
anybody who loves you more.
So, while we're in the
incredibly romantic place,
I was just wondering if I could ask you...
Jeremy...
Wanted to ask here in front of everyone...
Um...
Oh. You all right?
How stupid do you think I am?
I know, Rach...
about Adam.
How many times are you gonna
make me look like a fool
in front of these people, my family?
I needed them to hear this
in case I ever lose it again
and think you're anything less than poison.
Put that away. You know
how I always used to say
that the show's bad for you
and how it brings out the ugliness in you?
I was wrong, Rach.
It's you that's ugly.
And we're not just done.
I'm gonna make sure you never
hurt anyone like this again.
What? Britney, relax.
Take that, bitch! All right, Britney, go.
Everybody, back to work.
We've still got a wedding to produce.
Oh, God, don't do that!
What? What?
Look at me so early in the morning.
Are you feeling any better?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay, great. Well, get up.
I've seen that look in
your eyes before, all right?
I know you got double dumped
and you're on the edge,
but today is not the day that
you get to lose your mind,
you hear me? Sit down.
Tomorrow, you can jump
off the Golden Gate Bridge,
walk into traffic, whatever,
but today, I need you on your toes.
I need you to stick with the plan, okay?
Think you can do that?
- Mm-hmm.
- Good.
You know what you need to do?
Yeah.
Then go do it.
Yeah, we got flowers going.
Looks pretty good, huh?
What do you think?
What are we doing? I
just want to talk to you.
I just need to know.
Okay, something happened,
something changed,
- and I really want to know what it is.
- What do you mean?
You know I can handle it. I
want you to tell me the truth.
Was the sex bad or was
it something that I said?
Rachel, we talked about this.
You said that everything was fine.
No, it's not fine. I'm not fine.
Yesterday, you were begging
me to run away with you,
and six hours later, you
say you changed your mind.
Something happened and I really
want to know what it is, Adam.
Look, Rachel, okay, we... We can
talk about this, but another time.
I have to go to a wedding
right now... My wedding.
I have to honor that.
Honor?! You're gonna honor that wedding?
That wedding is a lie... we both know it.
What are you talking...
Yeah, of course it is,
but I still have to make
it look real, don't I?
Otherwise, this has all gone to waste...
No vineyard, no public rehabilitation.
What if you fall in love with her
and you get her pregnant and you
have, like, children with her?
That could really happen.
I'm going to annul at the end of the year.
Anna's sweet, but wha... I mean, love?
Please, just tell me what's wrong with me.
- Okay, look, I don't have time for this.
- Just tell me what's wrong with me!
I have to go.
I'm sorry. I just need to know.
Look, as a friend, I just wanted you to
know what you were getting yourself into.
"As a friend"... right.
Yeah, as a friend.
Okay, I mean... what do I
have to gain by doing all that?
What are you gonna do?
I'll let you know.
Excuse me.
Rolling in five, people.
- Let's hustle.
- So, did you talk to Anna yet?
Mm-hmm. It's a 70/30 she's in, but yeah.
I started giving him shots an hour ago.
I think we're good.
13 seasons, we finally
get a live wedding on TV.
This is gonna be fantastic.
Well, you've outdone yourself, buddy.
Three minutes, people. Three minutes.
Okay, whenever you're ready, babe.
You know what? I'm gonna
let you do it this time.
- It's your show.
- That's all right. You always do it.
- This is live.
- Oh, I don't want to steal your thunder.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
We're going live in 10...
9...8...
Where did you get that?
7...6... 5... A groom to remember.
4...3...
Going live. Mm? Action.
Where's the bride?
She's not coming.
Anyone have eyes on Anna?
Where is she?
Camera "A," do you see her?
Where... where is, uh... where is she?
You got the bride? Do you
know where the bride is?
Oh, you guys can sit down.
What is happening?
Um, Anna got cold feet.
This has never happened before
in the history of "Everlasting,"
but...
we have a runaway bride.
What?!
Yeah, Adam, I really don't
know how to say this to you,
but, um...
you are going home alone.
There's gonna be no "Royal Renovations."
She can't say that.
Adam, you're free to go.
Oh, hell, I'll take him. What's going on?
What? It's all for show, anyway, right?
Adam, you love me
about as much as you
love any of these girls,
which is not at all.
What's going on?
Cut, cut... go to commercial.
- The creator of this show, Chet...
- Cut, cut, cut.
Brought me on the show to sleep with me.
This show is his personal whorehouse.
Who is that?
Britney is... Get her out of her.
That was Chet's idea to
bring back a bad girl.
She can't say that. We're
on live television, man.
- The audience wants to believe it's real.
- I have it.
- The audience needs to believe it's real.
- I have it.
- What are you gonna do?
- Go to three.
Someone find Adam, please.
All right, not all of you.
Someone get reactions. Down for reactions.
Don't go down to the floor.
You got to go up...
This is live television.
You got to fix this.
Oh, uh, what, me?
I-I'm... I'm just a P.A.
that slept my way to the top.
Camera three. Please.
I want your full support moving forward.
Anything.
I'm about to lose my job.
- They ruin your lives!
- Hello?
- Someone go down.
- I know. I am on it.
Audio mic, cut on Britney.
I need Camera 1, follow Britney
and stick with her like glue.
I need Camera 2, reactions on Granny.
Camera 3, I need close-ups on Adam.
And, Rachel, I need you
to get security in here.
- Get Britney out.
- See, this is what they do.
- Here we go.
- They make you disappear.
Adam, tell 'em! Adam!
I need you to follow the security guards.
- Adam!
- Where are you, Camera 2?
Is your hand up your ass crack?
I need a camera outside,
out back, right now, and go.
Copy that.
I think it's going pretty well.
Stay on, stay on. Anna!
Ugh, I'm too old for this.
All right, come on. Stand down.
Stand down. Stand down.
Get to the top, go. Out of her face.
Anna, why'd you do this?
I mean, after everything the
two of you have been through,
it must have been pretty
bad, huh, for you to, uh,
have left him... at the altar.
Every little girl dreams of this day,
of this moment,
but that doesn't mean that I
would go for it at any cost.
When I stopped and I really thought
about my time with Adam...
That's real. This is as real as it gets.
And the possibility of a life with him,
I realized he's a cheating slut.
And while I might have eventually
been able to forgive him for that,
I had to accept the fact
that he's just not that smart.
He's an idiot.
Definitely not the man for me.
No, you just keep watching.
You're gonna love it.
Absolutely. Oh, we're all good here.
All right. Wow.
You did this? Did you do this?
Me? No. Look, Anna just found out...
I mean, like, you show
me, you're a bad bet.
Rachel, you and me...
What was I supposed to do
after everything Quinn told me?
What? I'm sorry... Quinn told you?
Look, she told me everything.
Everything what? What did she say?
The hospitalizations with mental problems?
Oh, my... I was never hospitalized.
They told me all about
last year, so, I mean...
it made sense.
Adam, she lied to you and to me.
And, what, you just believed her?
Or, you know, maybe you wanted to.
Rachel.
Got it.
Okay.
Oh, no.
Why the long face, Eeyore?
We won.
Please tell me that you are
not wasting your victory lap
crying about boys.
I'm just trying to figure out why he, uh...
you know, what happened with Adam.
Anything you want to tell me about that?
You know, forget the "why."
He dumped you. Done. Moving on.
Actually, I'm pretty interested
in the why in this case.
What, you mean, why you're
not coming out of a blackout
on the beach in Tahiti,
using your panties as a pillow,
dumped and realizing you ruined your life
on some half-wit, narcissist man doll?
Yeah, I mean, God forbid I
make my own mistakes, right?
Like you haven't made enough of those.
Fine. Blame it on me.
I don't give a shit.
You should be kneeling
down, thanking whatever
that you didn't end up
as "Everlasting's" ultimate
tabloid idiot, all right?
This was a gift.
A gift?
Wow.
Wow.
Love is swell...
but it is not something
you build a life around.
Actually, some people do.
Oh, some people? What, like Mary?
Nice.
Really nice.
We killed somebody, didn't we?
Yeah.
Let's not do that again.
No.
Just another mind-numbing season
of "Everlasting."
Wait.
Not "The Whole Package"?
I thought that was kind of a good idea.
Yeah, I mean, it's a good title,
but I don't think our audience cares
about girls who have jobs.
Whatever.
Just no murder next season, okay?
I mean
At least not with the
contestants behind the scenes,
I can't be so sure.
Excuse me?
Well, I mean, I'm sure Jeremy
would like to see me dead...
for example.
Yeah.
Well, he gives you any
trouble, I'll have his head.
What?
Nothing.
No. Tell me.
I love you.
You know that, right?
I love you, too.
Weirdo.
Stop walking on the rocks!
Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.
Jeremy!
What a surprise.
Is... Is Rachel with you?
No. This is actually about her.
She's really sick again.
We have to do something.
Come in.