Ugly Betty (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 15 - Fire and Nice - full transcript

Hey!

Okay, no hat today, then.

Sorry, it was an accident.

Please, I was getting that thing
off her head one way or another.

Does anyone know
where my computer is?

It's not in my bag.

Oh, I used it last night.
I think it's on the couch.

- Couch.
Justin, please, sit.

- Have some breakfast.
- Too late.

Since we've been staying
with Aunt Betty,

it takes me a month
to get to school in Queens.



Well, if it makes you feel any better,

my big meeting
with the Lady Gaga people is today.

- Oh, my God!
- Only one more week

until you get
to meet your favorite pop star.

Oh, my God, Aunt Betty,
I am clinging to that.

- Now I feel bad about that hat.
- Don't worry.

- Bye.
- Bye, I love you.

Bye.

Thank you so much for doing that.
He's been so down lately.

No problem. His house burnt down.
That's a lot for a kid.

Where is my computer?
He said couch, right?

You know what? I used it after him.

I was e-mailing clients
to get them to come here.

What? You're... You're...
You're taking clients here?



Yeah! That way I can charge
Manhattan prices. That's cool, right?

Yeah, whatever you need. Just,
you know, use that hair-catchy thingy.

Old plumbing. Did you find it?

I think I put your computer
on one of the suitcases. Check Justin's.

Oh! And I packed a lunch for you.

Ah! Yes! Here it is.

Sorry, mi hija.

We're making life so hard for you,
aren't we?

Papi, stop. Come on, it's nothing.
This is fun. All right, I've got to go.

- Betty!
- Daniel! Hey!

- What are you doing here like that?
- I, you know, slept here.

You know, Amanda and I
kind of have this casual thing going.

No strings, no drama. It's nice.

That's great.

So, how's everything going over there
with your whole family?

It's got to be pretty rough, huh?

Yeah, it's... Got its challenges.

You know, nothing I can't handle
until the insurance check comes in

and we can start to rebuild.

Can we talk about this later
when you have pants on?

- Of course.
- Great.

I need you
to oversee the Marchesa test shoot.

Get Daniel's thoughts and then bring it
to me so I can do the real work.

Got it. Fake notes from Daniel.
Real notes from you.

Why did we stop?
Did you break a heel?

Did I step in your shadow again?

Don. Donald Jones.

Wanda? Is that you?

- Yes! Well, it's... It's Wilhelmina now.
- Right. Of course.

Hi, I'm Marc St...

You look terrific.
Twenty-five years later.

How long you in town for?

Actually, I moved here
about a year ago.

A year ago?
You should have called me.

Oh! I don't know about that.

We're not quite the same people
we were back then.

Well, I am. Same old regular guy.

But you,
you've gotten quite a reputation.

What was it they said about you
in the paper the other day?

They called you
a "power-hungry fashion Nazi. "

But that's a good thing
in your business though, right?

Yes, we were very proud of that.

You know, I am still
the same old Wanda I used to be.

Still fun, still sweet.
Hey! This is all for show.

You should...
You should call me. You'll see.

Um...

I'll check my schedule.

Marc.

Justin!

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

Um, I need to talk to you. In private.
Is my Aunt Betty here yet?

- No. About 10 minutes away.
- Good.

I have to tell you something huge,

but you have to promise
not to tell any of my family, okay?

Okay.

It's about something that I did.

With a friend from acting class.

Oh.

Yes. Yes. Sit down.

Take your time and let it out.

These things can be difficult.

Trust me, I know. It wasn't too long ago

that yours truly sat down with
his sympathetic cheerleading coach

and had a very similar conversation.

No way.
You burned down your house, too?

Boy, did I.
I'm sorry, what?

I smoked a cigarette in my house
and I think I started the fire.

Thank you for coming over.
I really need to talk.

Yeah, what's up? You're stress cooking

and your shoulders are all the way up
by your moustache.

Yeah, I think I did a terrible thing.

I promised Hilda I'd hire an electrician
to hang my classy new chandelier...

But when you hired Sal, the electrician,

it turned out to be Sally,
the electrici-Anna,

and you two had a steamy love affair.

But little did you know
Sally was married

and now her hubby's coming
to get you!

No. That's not it at all.

Are you sure? 'Cause I totally thought
that's where you were going with that.

I need more bacon.

No, no, no, no,
I never hired an electrician.

I did the wiring myself and I think
I may have caused our house fire.

Uncle Papi!

Okay, I need to ask you something
and you have to tell me the truth.

I'm all about the truth, all right?
Ask away.

- Did you burn down my house?
- What?

What the hell kind of question is that?

- No!
- I'm sorry, it was rude.

Did your family burn down my house?

You implying
what I think you're implying?

Well, Bobby,
don't you think it is a little bit weird

that my salon went up in flames
just two days after I joked

that the stupid place should burn down
so I could collect the insurance?

Listen to me, for the last time, okay?
My family is not in the Mafia.

Well, that's not the story
on the street, Mobby.

I'm going to pretend, right,
that you didn't just call me "Mobby. "

And you know what else?

Accusing my family
of something like that

when you haven't even met them yet,

you know,
that takes a big fat set of kiwis.

Hi. Good morning.
Could you just hold this? Thanks.

- Did you just get here?
- What makes you say that?

Well, Amanda, it's 11:30.

Big whoop,
I'm filling in at reception today.

Besides, I'm sleeping with the boss,
so it's all okay.

- Oh, how's that going for you?
- It is so good.

The sex is great
and he doesn't mind if I date.

And I don't mind
that he's picking out models at 1:00.

Ooh, he is? Hmm, this is fun.

That's the jackass who upstaged me
at Fashion Week.

- What's he doing here?
- Decorating my world.

I don't know what it is,
there's something

that bugs the hell out of me about him.

Do me a favor? Find out why he's here.

On it.

A recent study found that over 50%
of American women wear glasses.

And because Lady Gaga
is so well-known

for her outlandish eyewear,

we thought she would be
the perfect model

for Mode's top list
of fashion-forward prescription glasses.

We're calling the spread
"Lady Gaga's Lady Goggles. "

No, we're not. We're not.

Betty, less talking, more pictures.
Show us the mock-ups, please?

Ew. Ew.

Sorry. My...

My dessert.

My dad, he... He packed my dessert

and it must have gotten wedged
in my computer.

- He likes to do that.
- Stop. We're nauseated.

Okay. Still works. Yay.

All right, so as you see,
the angle for the spread is...

What is that? And why is it singing?

I don't know. My nephew
was using my computer earlier and...

This isn't working,
the flan is making it sticky. I'm sorry.

My nephew must have replaced
my Lady Gaga file

with his Lady Gaga file,

but, you know what,
I can run to grab my flash drive.

Enough!

Gentlemen, let's give Betty five minutes
to go get her flash drive

so she can give it to Tracy,
who will be taking over this account.

Sorry, guys, you've got to go.

Hello?

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Need some help?
- Yes, I'm Betty Suarez.

There was a fire at my family's home.

I called the insurance company to see
when the check would be coming

and they said they can't send it
until you determine the cause.

Yeah, that's right here.
It's right over here.

- Let me see, Suarez?
- Betty.

Suarez.

Yeah, okay,
it looks like the report was filed today.

Oh! Great! So then we'll be getting
the check soon?

I'm... I'm... I'm kidding you.
This is... It's a takeout menu.

- Oh.
- You said your name

was Betty Salami, right?

No, I have no idea
if your report was filed.

- Oh. Well, can I find out?
- Yeah, I could check.

- Yeah, that would be great.
- I'm Jimmy, by the way.

- Hi, Jimmy.
- Hey.

Uh... Oh. Looks like your house
is on the bottom of the list.

Oh.

Well, is there any way
to speed things up?

Well, I'm the captain.
I can make anything happen.

Really? Great!

- I'm not the captain.
- You're not the captain.

But if you keep falling for my jokes,
I might just fall for you.

Is there anyone else here
I could talk to?

Come on.
I'm sorry, I'm just playing with you.

Okay, I actually have
a little bit of pull around here.

All right, my aunt,
she's an assistant fire inspector.

- Not falling for that one.
- No, no, no. For reals.

For reals this time, okay?

I could probably get you moved
to the top of the list.

Maybe, I don't know, maybe you want
to grab some dinner,

we could talk it over?

Um... That's flattering,
but I don't think I can.

Well, okay.
Well, maybe tomorrow, then?

No. I just don't think it's a good idea.

Well, all right.

Well, good luck with everything.
Hope it all works out.

Trust me, Kathy,
that hurt you more than it hurt me.

Now, the only reason I am not firing you

is because you finally
discovered concealer. Now get out.

Wow, someone's showing restraint.

See? I can be nice.

But what does it matter?

People still view me
as a drop-dead gorgeous fashion Nazi.

It sounds like some of Don's words
are really sticking with you.

Don was a great guy.
Back in the day, believe it or not,

being with a simple man like that
actually appealed to me.

Willie, please don't hit me
for saying this,

but your face just softened.

You still like him.

I do.

But you heard him, he's a regular guy.

And I'm a monster.
I doubt he'd even get near me.

But he might get near Wanda.

I mean, if you really like him,

maybe you ought to dust the old girl off,
take her for a spin.

Thank you.

Well, thanks again for lunch.

And all the dinners,
and the gentleman's facial.

And it's really nice to know
that I have practically no pores.

- And that's a good thing.
- Well, you get that from me.

I have to admit,
I kind of feel like I'm freeloading.

Tyler, you're not freeloading,

you're my son.

Ah, this has been the nicest week.

- Now go.
- Okay.

I'll see you tonight.

- I am freaking.
- Amanda, what are you doing?

He is your son?
And he is hot. Well done.

- When are you gonna tell Daniel?
- In time.

I just want to enjoy this a little longer
before it gets complicated.

- So is he gonna live here with us?
- I don't know, Amanda.

Apparently he was raised
with a very strong work ethic.

- He won't stay here without a job.
- Weird.

I know! He can be
one of our in-house test models.

Oh, he's perfect. Look at that skin.

He gets that from me.

Really?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Are you in a good mood?
Because I need to ask you a favor.

Actually, I'm in a terrible mood.
I've had a horrible day.

Oh. Well, maybe this will cheer you up.

I need to use your apartment
for a dinner party.

- Why would that cheer me up?
- I know it's a lot to ask,

but I promised Bobby that I would get
to know his family, you know?

So I don't think they're in the Mob.

Oh, well, now that I know
it's for something totally reasonable...

I'm sorry, but you know
we'll be out of your apartment soon.

Not unless I go out
with the world's most irritating fireman.

What do you mean?

So you go on one date with this guy
and we'll move to the top of the list?

- You're going.
- No, I'm not.

What is the big deal?

It's one slice of pizza
and a little over-the-sweater.

Ew!

What? Do you want us out of here
or not?

Hilda, I'm not that kind of girl.

Hey! I'm in the shower!

Hey, you.

They always come back.

- You're going on a date with a fireman?
- Mmm-hmm.

Betty, these are firemen.

This is you.

Well, Marc, maybe if you could get
a date with a real fireman,

you wouldn't need the calendar.

Mean. I love it!

Besides, my fireman
isn't exactly chiseled.

Or hairless. Or coated in oil.

How does he fight fires, then?

Oh, I get it.
He's one of these February firemen,

the ones they make pose with dogs
'cause they're not cute enough.

I guess.
I don't even want to go on this date.

I'm only doing it so that my family
can get back into their house quicker.

Well, if you want to make the date
quick and painless, yet effective,

then you need to implement
my S.A.A.D.D. System.

- "Sad" system?
- Saad-d.

"Skip Appetizers And Don't Drink. "

Appetizers only prolong a meal

and alcohol is a gateway
to endless conversation.

And other things
which I'm sure you want to avoid.

- I do.
- Yes.

Marc, in my office now.

Oh, Wilhelmina? I hate to ask this

because I know you kicked me off
the Lady Gaga account,

but is it okay if my nephew still comes
to the shoot?

- Marc, tell her no.
- No.

And throw away her bagel,
she doesn't need it.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
You're smouthing again.

- Smouthing?
- Smiling with your mouth.

It's a very common mistake.

But if you're going to be
our new test model,

you must learn to smeyes.

Smile with my eyes?

Now you're getting it.

- Can I confess something to you?
- What?

That you're Claire Meade's
long-lost son

that she put up for adoption and you've
come to claim your rightful place,

since the revelation
of your true birth mother

rocked your tiny small-town world?

Wow. I mean, I was just gonna say

that I'm not really qualified
to be a model, but, yeah.

How did you know?

I think I'm kind of Claire's bestie.

They don't have girls like you
in South Dakota.

Oh, honey, they don't have girls
like me anywhere.

You're free tonight? Great!

Um... Well, why don't we go to Remi?

You know, they always have a table
for me there, and...

Or... Or... What... You know what?
Why don't you pick the place?

Mmm-hmm.
Well, you know, I'm... I'm easy breezy.

Yes, easy breezy, George and Weezy.
That's... Um, you know what?

Okay. Why don't I send my car
to pick you up and...

Or you can pick me up in a cab

because that's what people do.

Great. I'll see you later.

And you thought you couldn't be nice.

Get Kathy back in here.
I need to kick someone.

Hey.
- Oh, hey.

So, why is he here?

Oh, um,
he is one of our new test models.

Wait, no, that's impossible.
I'm the one who hires the models.

Oh! Oh, that's weird.
That's a total mystery.

Maybe one of those things
we'll never know,

like what water's made of,
or who invented canned potato chips.

No, really. Did Wilhelmina hire him?

No. But who cares? I want you. Now.
And far from this location.

But, no, wait.
Okay, so that only leaves my mother.

Why would my...

For once can we not talk
about your mother when we have sex?

Okay, the Talercios are on their way up.

Remember, no cracks about them
being in the Mob.

So what if they are?
Who am I to judge?

People do things they wish they hadn't.
Unforgivable things.

Okay, I don't know
what any of that means.

Hey, they're here! Okay, remember,

tonight is all about keeping
an open mind.

- All right, right.
- Papi, get the door!

- Okay. Ready?
- Yes.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- We've heard so much about you!
- How are you? All good things.

Yeah, yeah, so nice to see you.
Beautiful, beautiful.

- Mr. Suarez, my father, Anthony.
- Ignacio.

You don't want to shake with me,
I've got blood on my hands.

- Paper cut from this damn pastry box.
Oh.

But tell them how worth it it was.

These are the best cannolis
in all of Brooklyn.

She's right.
- I'm telling you, we'd kill for them.

Yeah. She's right.

- Let me take your coat.
- Sure.

We'll call you.

Hi.

- Hello?
- Hey, it's... It's Jimmy.

Look, I'm sorry, I can't make it.

There was a fire and I went in alone.
Things got really bad.

- Oh, no.
- Got you!

Damn, you're easy.

Look, it's like an hour wait for a table.

That's no problem,
we'll get some appetizers

and booze at the bar. Boom!

"Skip Appetizers And Don't Drink. "
Saad-d.

No! I mean, let's just go down the street
and grab, like, a quick falafel.

It's, like, 10 degrees out.
Come on, an hour with me, it'll fly by.

So, Jimmy, about my house,
have you spoken to your aunt?

I have not had the chance yet.
I will call her right after dinner.

Okay, let's just enjoy ourselves.

Oh! Sorry.

- Wilhelmina.
- Betty.

You two know each other?

Uh, yes. Betty is a friend from work.

What a surprise.

Yeah, uh... Okay.

We're just gonna hang out at the bar
till our table's ready.

Oh, that's too bad.
We were just being seated.

Otherwise, we'd have a drink with you.

Ah, timing.

Who runs this joint?

They're gonna make us wait
in the bar for an hour

and you guys get a big comfy booth?

Jimmy.

Well, why don't you just join us?

I don't mind, she's your friend.

She's my friend. Yes. Betty, join us.

I can't think of anything more fun.

- Here you are.
- Oh! The Scorpion.

- Here's to new and old friends.
- And to hot babes, right?

Come on, jump in.
Don't leave us hanging.

Here's to friends and hot babes!

Mmm. That is so good.
Maybe we should each get our own.

- Yeah.
- Oh, no,

there's a hair in the Scorpion bowl.

- That's disgusting.
- Are you sure?

- He's joking.
- I'm joking. There's no hair.

- There's no hair.
- See? She gets me. I love that.

- So, how do you two know each other?
- Oh, we go way, way back, back.

I knew this one before she was
the famous Wilhelmina Slater.

To be honest,
I'd be afraid to go out with that woman.

I read somewhere
that she put out a memo

firing anyone with a visible mole.

Well, haters love to hate. Yeah.

So tell me, you're her buddy.

Is she still the sweet girl I remember?

Bobby told us about the fire.
It's a terrible thing.

Excuse me.

Yeah, but on the bright side,

you're gonna be getting
a big insurance check

and you can buy some really
nice upgrades for your salon.

I guess.
But I didn't really want upgrades.

Hilda's Beautilities Plus
was doing just fine.

Yeah, but still,
don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

- You're right.
- It's interesting,

your son said "gift horse," too.

I tend to look at it
as a loss to my livelihood,

but then again, I can go negative, so...

You know, Mr. S, I was thinking...

- Oh, that looks good.
... when you rebuild,

marble floors would look great
in the house. Hmm?

Especially with that
new crystal chandelier you got.

- Crystal. Oh, very fancy.
Yeah.

Yeah, well, it's not really me.
I'm a simple man.

- I may even get rid of it.
- Why?

What are you talking about? No way,
come on, this guy loves this chandelier.

- It's true.
Well, listen,

if you decide you wanna go
with marble, you let me know.

I can get you a deal.
We've got family in construction.

Really? You have family
in construction?

Yeah.

I've got to get this. Excuse me.

Come here a second.

What happened
to keeping an open mind?

Okay, all right, open mind.

- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.

I don't speak Italian,
but "morte" means "death," right?

- Very good.
Ah, he's talking to his brother.

You ever get mad enough at someone
you tell them, "I'm gonna kill you"?

It's just... It's an expression.

No, no.
You don't understand.

I'm really gonna kill you.

Look, you're gonna hear
what you want to hear.

Wilhelmina is so supportive of all of us.

You know,
if someone is having a problem,

she's probably involved.

And if there are tears, she's there.

Well, that's right. Just this morning,
Kathy was in my office crying.

And I just rocked her
and gave her some makeup tips.

Aw. Sounds like you guys
have a great time at work.

Well, it's not work.
It's... It's really like a family.

- Isn't it, Betty?
- Right.

You know what?

Just yesterday I totally screwed up
a pitch to Lady Gaga's people.

And, you know, another boss would
have just taken me off the project.

But Wilhelmina?
She was just like, "Try again, girl. "

That's right, girl. Try again.

And you know what the best part is?

My nephew, Justin, he still gets
to meet Lady Gaga, who he loves.

Almost as much
as he loves Wilhelmina Slater.

You know
what would be such a cool thing?

Is if Wilhelmina called Justin
and told him the news!

- Yeah. Call him. He'll love that.
Yeah.

- Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
- Do it! Do it! Do it!

- Call him! Call him! Call him!
- Do it, Willie! Do it, Willie! Do it, Willie!

- It's ringing.
- Sorry.

- Hello? It's Wilhelmina Slater.
Oh, my God! Hi!

That's him.

Be at Mode Tuesday at 4:00

because you are going to meet
Lady Gaga.

Shut up! Oh, my God,

- thank you so, so much, Wilhelmina!
- Nice talking to you!

- Ooh, she seems really excited.
- Thanks, Wills.

Betty, why don't we go
powder our noses? Hmm?

Damn, Hilda, you know,
you're not even trying.

Well, I'm sorry,

but every time one of them opens
their mouth, a dead body falls out.

Hey, that's not funny.

Come on, you know, they heard rumors
about you back in the day.

Please. What rumors?

You know, rumors.
Like, maybe you're not the kind of girl

that their son should be going out with.

I mean, at least they came here
with an open mind.

Are you telling me that they're here
to decide whether or not I'm a slut?

Jeez.

Wilhelmina, I'm sorry.

You don't have to give me back
the project.

It's just that my nephew

- really wants to meet Lady...
- Oh, stop apologizing, Betty.

Playing the Gaga card

might have been the first time
I've ever respected you.

- Really?
- Now, it's time for you

and your chubby municipal worker
to be on your way.

Right. I'll make up an excuse
and we'll go.

Not that I'm gonna lose any sleep
over it,

but I'm surprised
at your choice of boyfriends.

I would think
that even you could do better than that.

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

I just need him
to get my family's inspection moved up.

Betty Suarez.
Using a man to get what she wants?

- You are full of surprises tonight.
- No, it's not like that. I...

There are extenuating circumstances.
This isn't really me.

And yet here you are.

A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

Right?

I mean, it's just weird.
Why is my mom hiring models?

Everybody knows that's my job.
And why that guy?

He's not even that good-looking.

Okay, first of all, he's crazy hot.

And second,
if you're actually done with your rant,

I think I might have your answer
right here.

It's only February, but
it's already December for Claire Meade.

May-December, that is.

The menopausal Meade matriarch
has been spotted

canoodling over noodles
with an age-inappropriate hottie.

And we don't think his palm
is the only thing she's been greasing.

- You've got to be kidding me.
- I know.

How does he eat pasta
and still look like that?

Hey...

What are you doing here?

You know what? I already know.

- I'm just waiting to talk to Mrs. Meade.
- Lf you think I'm gonna stand by

and watch you take advantage
of my mother, you don't know me.

You got it all wrong, man.

I don't think so.
I think it's time for you to leave, man.

- Okay, you need to calm down.
- Or what? Huh?

You gonna calm me down? Get up!

I don't want you ever
around my mother!

- Do you...
- What the hell is going on?

This guy is playing you.

He's only interested in his career
and leeching off of you.

Daniel, stop, you don't know
what you're talking about.

Yes, I do.
Everyone has seen you together.

It's embarrassing.
But it stops right now.

- Are you gonna tell him or should I?
- Tell me what?

- Tyler is not who you think he is.
- Who is he, then?

He's your brother.

Well, I hate to cut this thing short,

but I did promise my dad
that we'd be home in time for dessert.

He's dying to meet
one of America's heroes.

- I get that all the time.
- Shall we?

Hey, you know what? I've got an idea,
why don't you guys come with us?

We can... We can get some dessert,

we can get a couple pictures
with the old man, and then, karaoke.

No, Jimmy, come on, they don't...

- They don't want to.
- You know what? That sounds like fun.

- What?
- What?

Obviously, she doesn't want to be alone
with this guy. Let's just go back

- to her house for a while.
- Because we're having fun.

They don't wanna
hang out with us.

Come on, she's your friend.

No. Betty Suarez is not my friend.

And I'm not going back to some
tenement mud hut in Little Mexico!

I live in Chelsea.

Don, I can't take it anymore!

I'm a bitch. I'm a stone-cold bitch.

My favorite moment of the day
is throwing out my breakfast muffin

in front of a homeless person.

Anyone who has a mole is an idiot.

And everything you've read about me
is true, or it might as well be true.

And as long as we're being honest,

I'm starting to remember
why I really liked you.

The amazing sex.
So if you want to do that again, fine.

But this time, I'm on top.

I'm good with that.

All I'm saying
is your boss seems kind of psycho,

which I did not see coming.

I'm a pretty good judge of character.

Like, I knew right away
that you were the girl for me.

And I usually like blondes.

You know what? I'm not usually the one
to be defending Wilhelmina Slater,

but at least she was being honest.

I mean, isn't that better
than what we're doing?

What do you mean?

Us on this date.

I mean, I'm only here

so that you can help
move my family's name up the list.

Wait a minute, you're using me?
That's awful. I thought you liked me.

Jimmy, come on.

I mean, you basically said that
if I went out with you, you would help.

- Whoa, I would never say that.
- You kind of did.

You were all, like,
"My aunt's a fire inspector,"

and then you got all winky and...

I mean, what was that?

That is my thing! It's charming!

You know what?
I am America's freaking hero!

I don't need any of that crap
to get a date!

- Jimmy...
- Forget it. I'm not taking you back.

And your family is going
to the bottom of the list!

I mean, this doesn't make any sense.
Why didn't you ever tell me?

It was a long time ago.
You were too young to understand.

But you told us you were in rehab.
Mom, you went away for a year.

I did the best I could
under the circumstances.

Okay, so who's the father, huh?
Obviously it's not Dad.

Don't tell me it was Hartley.

You had a kid with him?

- I don't believe this.
- Daniel, Daniel, please.

No, no. I spent my whole life
thinking you were the victim.

My relationship with Dad was crap
because I always sided with you.

I never thought for a second

that you were just as screwed up
as he was.

This doesn't sound like you,
Justin. Why were you smoking?

Look, I was only doing it

to impress someone
in my acting class, though.

Oh.

Someone I like.

Okay.

So we're here again.

So, you like someone.

Yeah.

Well, tell me about them.
What is their name?

Lily.

Lily, cool.

Everybody okay?
Whoo! I'm really full.

- Are you done with your puttanesca?
- Honey, this is not puttanesca.

Well, apparently it is when I serve it.

I mean, it is Italian
for "whore sauce," right?

- Hilda!
- No, we're not gonna go there. Please.

- Bobby, what is she talking about?
- I will tell you what I am talking about.

You got some nerve, coming here
to find out what kind of person I am,

when you and your Mafia family

- burned down my salon.
- Wait a minute.

Wait, you think
we burned down your salon?

Okay.
- Tony, get the coats, we're out of here.

- You understand?
- Hi, I'm Betty.

- No one's going anywhere, all right?
- I am out of here. Hello.

Hilda doesn't think
you burned down her salon.

Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.
Maybe you hired someone.

I don't know how these things work.

- Hilda, please!
What?

- What are you talking...
- What is going on?

- Why is everyone yelling?
- Tony! The coats!

I'll get the coats.

We make it a point not to stay in places
where people think we're in the Mob.

Not that that happens that often.

- Ha!
No!

- What, "No"?
- Okay, we're gonna figure out a way

- for everybody to get along.
- That is not gonna happen.

Well, it has to, Ma! This is the woman
I want to spend my life with.

Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I've got something to say.

I think Bobby is talking.

I started the fire.

- What?
- What?

I told you guys I'd hire an electrician
for the dimmer. I did it myself.

- Papi!
- You could have hurt yourself!

Forget that! He hurt my business!

Because you had to get all highfalutin

- with your fancy chandelier!
- No, Mom, stop! Stop!

It's not Grandpa's fault,
because I started the fire.

What? Justin, what do you mean?

- Well, I was smoking, and...
- You were whating?

Well, at least our family doesn't smoke.

Do you have any idea
what you have put us through?

That's it,
you're grounded until you're dead!

If you want to shave some years off
of it, keep smoking!

At least now we know
that it wasn't my family.

We don't know anything
about your family.

Okay, please, everyone stop!

It doesn't matter who started the fire.

What's important is that we don't start
turning against each other.

We might have to be here
a very long time,

so we need to find a way
to make it work

without ruining projects,
or spitting on hats,

and showers being taken at all hours
of the day.

Who cares if it was faulty wiring,
or smoking, or the Mob? No disrespect.

- We just have to get through this.
- It was a curling iron.

- Oh! Who's this guy?
- Jimmy? What?

- What are you doing here?
- I was acting like a d-bag.

And you were right,
I did want to go out with you.

That's why I didn't tell you
that they did the inspection yesterday.

So, yeah,
someone left a curling iron on.

So...
- It was you! Hmm?

Hmm?

What? Nuh-uh.
I didn't even have clients that day.

Besides, I prefer Velcro rollers.

Wait, Aunt Betty, you had a curl
in your hair the day of the fire.

What?

Hmm, if I put in two curls,
it'll really frame my face,

but one curl
makes more of a statement.

One or two? One or two?

Betty, get in here.

Oh, my God. It was me.

Mi hija, it was an accident.
You have to stop beating yourself up.

I feel like a terrible person.

Don't worry, I'm coming up
with a list of things you can do

to make it up to us.

Smokers don't get to make jokes.
Or lists.

It's just, for the last two days,

all I've been doing is trying
to get you guys out of my apartment.

I mean, I even went on a date
with that annoying fire...

Hey, watch what you say,
you little firebug.

I might not take you out again.

You should probably go.

Leave the ladle.

Hey, Amanda, it's me.

Look, I really need to see you tonight.
Can... Can I come over?

Daniel, I wish you could,
but I'm kind of busy right now.

Can I call you later when I get home?

No. No, no, don't... Don't worry about it.

- Are you sure?
- No, no, it's fine.

I'll just, you know, see you tomorrow.

How can you even talk to that guy?

Okay, you had a bad moment with him,
but Daniel is really great.

Well, thanks
for not ditching me tonight.

I could really use a friend.

Well, you've got one.

Mrs. Talercio, I just want to say
one more time how sorry I am.

It's all right, honey.

You forget about what we said to you

and we'll forget
about what you said to us.

- And we'll start fresh, okay?
- Okay.

- All right!
- Dina, come on, let's go!

They want to make out already!

- I love youse guys.
- All right, good night.

- Get home safe.
- All right, I love you.

- Okay, I'm glad that worked out.
- Oh, yeah?

Why, because you want
to spend the rest of your life with me?

Come on, I was just saying that
to calm everybody down. It's nothing.

- What?
- You know what, Talercio? Forget it.

Come on.

No. I know that you're not the flower
and candy type of guy,

but if there ever comes a day,
you'd better do it right.

Hey, Hilda. Hilda, wait.

I've been carrying this around
a couple of weeks.

Oh, my God.

You know, I figure we get through
a night like tonight,

we can get through anything, right?

I lost you a long time ago.

I won't let that happen again.

So, yes, I want
to spend the rest of my life with you.

Hilda Suarez, I love you.

Will you marry me?

You did it right. Yes.

Oh!

Well, the good thing is
that we'll get the insurance check soon

and you'll get your apartment back.

Oh, come on, Papi,
this has been really fun!

Like a slumber party that never ends.

Hilda, I want you to know that I'm going
to help you repair your salon,

no matter what it takes.

Ah, don't worry about it. It's no biggie.

- No biggie?
- Who cares about the salon?

When I'm engaged!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

- Really?
- Just now!

Hey! Welcome to the family.