Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 4 - Hookers, Hookers, Hookers - full transcript

After Alan's pipe sets fatal fire to Lyndsey's home, Charlie is far from happy, yet takes in the couple and their sons. Charlie never ceases to insist they must be able to move back, soon, and orders a silent comfort girl. When Alan finally realizes he's unlikely to be forgiven ever, he joins the burned-out ruins, where Charlie already drinks with Chris Makelroy, Judith's husband Herb and adult pizza-boy Gordon, a cocktail which proves most cruel to Alan.

Previously on Two and a Half Men:

- Alan?
- Lyndsey and I...

have decided to live together.

End of an era, huh, Charlie?

From now on, no brother, no nephew...

just the sounds of the ocean...

punctuated by the soft voices
of prostitutes...

lying about the enormity
of my sexual organ.

Alan, dinner's on the table.

I, uh, noticed this old pipe
on the mantel. It's a beauty.

It was my grandfather's.

Wow. They don't make them
like this anymore.

So now that he's gone, what are you
gonna do with that empty room?

- Uh, why do you ask?
- I was just thinking...

it might be nice to spend the
occasional weekend here on the beach.

From now on, this house is your home.

Do you smell something burning?

Whew. What a day.

Who could've seen this one coming?

Oh, please. After seven years,
I finally move out of your house...

and within two days,
I burn my new home down.

You can't write this stuff.

I could if I used your skin for paper
and your blood for ink.

As soon as we get the insurance money
and repair the fire damage...

Lyndsey and the boys and I
will be out of your hair for good.

Unless, of course,
you burn her house down again.


Funny. See, that's what we need
at times like this, laughter.


I'm gonna take that as laughter.

Trust me, Eldridge is a great kid
and you're gonna love Lyndsey.

If you can open up your mind a little,
you will really enjoy having them here.

Damn it, Eldridge.

Why would you try to flush
a washcloth down the toilet?

Not enjoying it yet, Alan.

- Charlie, you got a mop?
- Laundry room.

- Thank you.
- Uh, need any help, sweetie?

No, but if I need my house
burned down again, I'll let you know.

See? She is keeping
a sense of humor about it.

You've ruined my entire life,
you know that?

You're right, I like her.
We've got a lot in common.

What do you want me to tell you?

If you wanna see your son,
you're gonna have to come to Malibu.

Grow up. You think I planned
to have the house burn down?

It was an accident.

It was, you know.

Drop dead.

Whew. I'd say
she's a little miffed with your dad.

- I'd say she wants to tear him a new one.
- Hey, watch your language.

- What'd I say?
- "New one."

Mm. Honey? Honey?

Uh, just a little heads up, um,
the boys could hear you out there.

I don't give a rat's ass
what they can hear.

His father's a jerk and
you burned down my freaking house.

Our house.

Dear God, stop talking.

Oh, damn.

Hey, Berta.
Bet you're surprised to see me back.

It's my own fault. I let myself believe.

Want you to meet my girlfriend, Lyndsey.
Uh, and this is her son, Eldridge.

They're gonna be staying with us
for a while.

What'd he do? Burn down your house?


It was an accident.

Hello, everyone. I hope you all slept well.
If there's anything I can do...

to make your stay more comfortable,
please be sure to tell me.

- Thank you, Charlie, that's so...
- Uh, he doesn't mean it.

- Hey, Uncle Charlie?
- Yeah?

You miss me?

He missed me.

Honestly, I don't see
why you can't live here.

You're kidding, right? There's no roof.

So wear a hat.

My great grandmother's candlesticks.

Oh, Lyndsey, I'm sorry.

She smuggled these out of Denmark
when the Nazis invaded.

Really? Where'd she hide them?

- Charlie, don't go there.
- Like I'm the only one?

Look at the bright side. Even though
we've lost some material items...

the important thing is we're all safe
and we've still got each other. Right?

You're making my skin crawl.

Hey, guys? Smile.

It's for your Christmas card.

- My stuff is wrecked.
- Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

Sorry isn't gonna bring back
my guitar or my Xbox...

or the history paper due tomorrow
that I totally had finished.

Where's Eldridge? He's drying out
his weed in the backyard.


Wii. Nintendo Wii.
I better go help him.

I could use a little Wii right now.

Is this my Armani jacket?

Oh, yeah, you know, I don't know
how that got in with my things.

I was gonna bring it back.

But now that you're here, why don't you
just take it with you? Saves me the trip.

You know what? Happy birthday.

Not much of a birthday present.

HERB: Ding dong.
- Hi, neighbor.

- We saw your cars out front.
- Hey, Judith. Incredible, huh?

Wow. This place is a wreck.

But still livable.

What are you gonna do?

Until the place gets fixed up,
we're staying in Malibu with Charlie.

Really? All of you. At Charlie's.

- What are you smiling about?
- You know what I'm smiling about.

Well, I hope the repairs go quickly
so we get you back here real soon.


I'm gonna miss your friendly face every
morning when I'm getting the paper.

- Every morning?
- Our, uh, schedules synch up...

when I'm doing my power walk.

Power walk?

- What are you smiling about?
- You know what I'm smiling about.


My pipe survived. It's like a miracle.

Filthy habit.

Oh, look, look, look.
The Towering Inferno is on.


Oh. Stephen King's Firestarter.

No? All right.

How about Blazing Saddles?

Too soon?

You guys are no fun.

I'm gonna call a hooker.

Charlie, there's two young boys
in the house.

- Let them get their own hookers.
- Charlie, for God's sake...

Don't worry. I'm a responsible uncle.

- That's nice to know.
- I promise I'll get a quiet prostitute.

Believe it or not,
that's a real concession on his part.

Where is my phone?

Oh, right, I must have left it
in the charred...

but still very livable remains
of your house.

Which he burned down.

You're gonna go over there now?

My hooker numbers are in that phone.
Unless you wanna have sex with me...

for a thousand dollars an hour,
I need the phone.

You don't really think he'd give me
a thousand dollars an hour?

If I were you,
I'd get the money up-front.


There we are.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H...


Hookers, hookers, hookers.

Looking for a quiet hooker.

Ah. There we go, Silent Betty.

Not a lot of coverage in here.

- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?

You're right.
Let's just stay mysterious strangers.

This used to be my house, you know.

- You're the ex-husband?
- Chris MacElroy.

- Charlie Harper.
- Alan's brother?

I don't usually admit it, but yeah.

What are you doing here, Chris?

I wanted to see what the damage was
and just, you know, sit here.

Try and figure out
where it all went wrong.

What'd you come up with?

I probably shouldn't have banged
the babysitter.

Yeah, that can do it.

I did a babysitter once.
My mom was furious.

Wouldn't drive her home
and absolutely refused to pay her.

- Want a drink?
- Sure, why not?

To babysitters.


Is this a private party
or can anyone join?

Hey, Herb. Come on in.

Hey, Chris. Long time no see.

Likewise. Grab a seat, have a drink.

Oh, gee, I don't know. I, uh, told Judith
I was taking out the garbage.

What the heck,
didn't say where I was taking it.

So you two guys know each other?

Are you kidding? Chris is a legend
in this neighborhood.

- What was she, like, uh, 19?
- Twenty-two.

quite an accomplishment.

Ah. Hey, is she still babysitting?

We're looking for somebody. Everybody
Judith interviews is fat and ugly.

Take it from me, Herb,
you're better off with fat and ugly.

Oh, I hardly think so.

You'd really be willing to risk your
marriage over a cute, young babysitter?

I certainly wouldn't risk it
over a fat, ugly one.

Can't argue with that.

I made us a snacky snack.


Uh, we have onion dip and cool ranch.

Always good to have a choice of dips.

And I chose you.



- What are you doing?
- Just getting comfy.

Snuggling up
on the world's best pillow.



That was an accident, right?


Let's call it an accident.

- Hey, can you take me back to Mom's?
- Why?

Eldridge is being a tool. Whoa!

- Dad.
- It wasn't me, it was...

Yeah, I'll take you back
to your mom's.

- Hey, Alan?
- What?

Try not to burn down her house.

Yeah, ha-ha. You might wanna light
some matches while I'm gone.

So, Chris,
what are you up to these days?

Not a lot. After Lyndsey threw me out,
I lost my job, started drinking heavily...

and I just found out
I have a lump on my groin.

Bad place for a lump.

- Tell me a good place.
- Somebody else's groin.


Boy, you make one mistake
and you pay for it the rest of your life.

You only did the babysitter once?

No, that was two years, morning, noon
and night, but I count it as one mistake.

Maybe that's where he got the lump.


Did somebody order a pizza?

Hey, it's my favorite pizza boy.

I'm 38 years old.
I have high blood pressure...

and alimony payments.
- You got a lump on your groin?

- No.
- Then don't complain.

So, what are you doing here?

Having a lonely drink
in memory of our hopes and dreams...

that are now dead and buried.


I'm in.

If it's all the same to you,
I'm gonna stay with Mom for a while.


Come on, Jake, I know it's been a little
rocky lately but things will work out.

Yeah, well, when they do, call me.

- Hey, Mom.
- What are you doing here?

What is he doing here?

He wasn't getting along
with Lyndsey's son.

Maybe because Lyndsey's son
is a degenerate pothead.

He's not so bad.
He's just made some bad choices.

So did his mom.

Yeah, well, you made
the same bad choice she did.



So Alan's like, I don't know,
5, 6 years old...

and I walk in his bedroom
and he's in there with the dog.

And I start yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa,
no, no. Are you crazy? Stop that."

And he says, "What?"

I say, "Alan, the dog is supposed
to lick the peanut butter off you."


To this day I can't eat peanut butter.

- Hello?
- Hey, we were just talking about you.

- All good I hope.
- Oh, yeah, it was good.


- So, what's going on?
- Just having a drink with a few friends.

Chris, I believe
you know my brother.

The man who's banging your wife
and burned down your house.


Pull up a chair...

have a drink with your girlfriend's ex
and your wife's new husband.

I just brought the pizza. I don't think
I've slept with anyone you know.


Hey, you know what I just realized?

You three guys
have all slept with each other.

- What?
- With all due respect, Charlie...

I think I'd remember that.

No, no, no, think about it. They say that
when you have sex with someone...

you're basically having sex with
everyone they've ever had sex with.

Oh. Then I guess you and I have done
the dirty deed.

Because of Judith,
not the peanut-butter dog.

- You told them?
- I tell everybody.


Wait. So Herb has slept with Alan...

and Alan has slept with Chris,
which means that...

I've slept with Lyndsey.




- Hello?
- How could you sleep with Herb?

Alan, is that you? Who's Herb?
Where are you?

I'm in our house.

What are you doing there?

Because there's nowhere else for me
to go because you won't forgive me.

Why won't you forgive me?

- You're drunk.
- Yeah, well, you farted at me.

Goodbye, Alan.

Where's Jake?

He left hours ago
to get away from you.

- Where's Alan?
- He left to get away from me.

Where's what's-his-name?
The guy who owns the house?

He left to get away from all of us.

Hey, this is working out
pretty good, huh?

You know, I envy you guys.

You've all been married, have kids.

Yeah, it didn't end well,
but for a moment in time...

each and every one of you experienced
what it is to have a family.

To give and receive
unconditional love.

My marriage isn't over.

Dude, you've been taking out
the garbage for two and a half hours.

I said it wasn't over,
I didn't say it was good.

Really, Charlie, you envy us?

Oh, come on, look at me.
What do I have?

A big house on the beach, more
money than I know what to do with...

and a cell phone full of candid video
of me having uninhibited sex...

with beautiful women whose names
I don't remember.


I don't think he envies us at all.

Good catch, Herb.

I gotta go pee.

- Oh, uh, bathroom's right back there.
- I know where it is, I used to live here.

Right, right.

That's a classy guy.

Using the toilet in a house
with no plumbing.

- Where have you been going?
- Refrigerator.

I filled the vegetable crisper.

See, that's what I love about you,
Charlie. You're a maverick.

I gotta start being
more "maverickyky."

Herb, where the hell are you?

Maybe tomorrow.

Hey, Lyndsey, you'll never guess
what we figured out about you and me.


See you soon.

Alan, let's go home.

- You came to get me?
- Yeah.

- You forgive me?
- Well, I thought about it and...

Hey, Lyndsey.

Chris? What are you doing here?

Well, I came to see the damage
and I just started thinking about us.

What an idiot I was.

You were, you know.

- I'd give anything to start over.
- Really?

Uh, excuse me, but weren't you about
to forgive me?

Can we go out some place
and have a cup of coffee...

and, maybe, just talk?



Well, I guess there's nothing wrong
with talking.

That's great. I can't tell you how much
I've missed you and Eldridge.

He really needs a father, Chris.

Uh, so I'll see you
back at the house, right?

She left her kid there,
she's gotta come back.

Would you come back for that kid?

She's never coming back.


You know who
you remind me of, Alan?

- Job.
- Job from the Bible?

How many Jobs you know?

Job. The guy God punishes
just for laughs.

God punishes Job to test his faith.

Still funny.

- Ugh. What time is it?
- A little after midnight.


So much for that 30-minute guarantee.

Goodnight, fellas.

- Goodnight, Gordon.
- Goodnight, Gordon.

So I guess it's just you and me, huh?

Two guys sitting alone
in a burned-out house.


Hey, Silent Betty. You made it.

See you, Alan.

Sure, half and half sounds good.


Maybe I am like Job.

But I am not gonna lose my faith.



[English - US - SDH]