Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 5 - The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel - full transcript

Alan Goes out on the town pretending to be Charlie, while Charlie sneaks off for some cosmetic surgery.

Alrighty. Here we go.

Thirty-eight dollars and 41 cents
for school pictures.


- You forgot to sign it.
- No... Did I?

Oh, silly me. Ha, ha.

Um, "Alan Jerome Harper, D.C."

District of Columbia?

Doctor of Chiropractic.

You know, not everyone
can use those letters after his name.

Congratulations. Give me the check.

You put the wrong date.

- Oh, did I?
- Yeah. See? It's for next month.

Ah, don't worry about that.
That's just for bookkeeping purposes.

This isn't like the check you gave me
for the field trip to Catalina?

- Hey, that was the bank's mistake.
- The teacher made me...

stay on the boat while everyone else
went swimming with dolphins.

Dolphins carry disease, Jake.

Alan Harper, D.I.C.

- You're welcome.
JAKE: You're cheap.

I'm not cheap, I'm broke.
There's a difference.

He was cheap
long before he was broke.

If you knew what I'd done on that table,
you wouldn't put your face on it.

I don't get it. I'm a good guy,
I try to do the right thing...

and I have nothing to show for it.

You still grinding on the fact
that you finally met a great gal...

moved in with her,
had a house you could call your own...

then burned it down
along with all your possessions...

and watched her run off with her ex?

Was it necessary
to list the entire fiasco?

I enjoy the occasional recap.

- But look at the bright side.
- What bright side?

I just got a big residual check,
and I'm heading to Vegas.

Oh, my God. Do you have any idea
how long it would take me to earn that?

Oh, don't think like that.

You're never gonna earn
that kind of money.


- Seriously, table.
- Oh!

Okay, I know I give you a hard time...

but it makes me feel horrible
watching you go through this.

- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What?

Stop watching you.

I'm starting to feel better already.


- Okay, I'm out of here.
ALAN: Bye.

Oh, Zippy.
I can't stand seeing you like this.

You going to Vegas too?

I wish.

You know, I've been where you are.

What did you do on the table?

No, I've been down and out.

I've lost everything. Didn't know
where my next meal was coming from.

- Really?
- Felt like I was all alone in the world.

No friends. Nobody who gave a damn
whether I lived or died.

What'd you do?

Well, first thing I did
was pick myself up, dust myself off...

and rat out
my ex-boyfriend to the feds.

You're kidding.

Got a 2500-dollar reward...

from the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms.

Took that and invested in a pallet
of counterfeit Jordache jeans.

Set up a booth at the Rose Bowl
swap meet. Made a killing.

- Really?
- Took those profits...

and opened up a little doughnut shop
across the street from a police station.

Can't miss, right?

Turns out,
cops don't like paying for doughnuts.

Lost my ass.

Had to go to work cleaning toilets
for strangers.

What's the point of this story?

I just wanted you to know
I've had a colorful past.

Good night.


It was a hell of a story.

Jake, I'm gonna take a nap.



Egyptian cotton.


Might as well take a nap in style
for a change.

Oh, yeah.

No wonder he can have so much sex.
The mattress does half the work.

Oh, hello.

New TV.

Remote. Remote. Where is the remote?

Poor Charlie.

Went to Vegas
and forgot his hooker money.

Oh, here we go.

What the hell?

You sick bastard.


This would be terrific with a woman.

Ugh. My ass cannot be that big.

Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

Unfortunately, you are.

Hey, buddy.
What are you doing up here?

You're on the TV downstairs.

Yes, well,
there's a very good explanation for that.

- I'm listening.
- It never happened.

Understood, Daddy.

This is Charlie Harper
in the garden suite.

I'm gonna need a couple more pillows
and some ice.

Thank you.


This is nice.

Quiet. Private.


Come on in.

Mr. Harper?

Call me Charlie.

All right, Charlie.

Call me Kendra.

Can I call you Nurse Kendra?

If you like.

Oh, I like.

I gotta tell you, I'm a little nervous.
I've never done anything like this.

Oh, a newbie.

Well, don't worry, you're in good hands.

- Is it gonna hurt?
- Maybe a little soreness afterwards.

Some bruising.

Well, I guess
that's what I'm paying for, right?

Hello, Mr. Harper.
Welcome to the Schenkman Clinic.

We have you down for an eye lift
and a neck tuck in the morning.

- That's correct.
- Is there anything else you'd like done?

Little lipo? Nose job?
Penis enlargement?

No, no, no, thanks.

For the record, I got a penis enlargement
when you walked in the room.

Thank you.

Do you have any questions? Concerns?

I don't think so.
I wanna make sure I look natural...

like I haven't had any work done.
- Don't worry. My work is undetectable.

In fact, you might be surprised to learn
that Kendra is a 62-year-old black man.

I'm kidding. But those boobs?
Those are Schenkman's.

I'm not sure I want my eyes
to pop out like that.


- You're gonna look great. See you.
- Thanks you, doc.

Anything else you need?

I think I'm okay.

Wait, wait, wait. There is one thing.

No, you can't see them.

Then I'm good.


Jake, your mom's here.


Well, I guess it was probably inevitable.

What? Oh, the clothes.

Well, as you know,
most of mine burned up in the fire...

and Charlie's in Vegas,
so I figured, why not?

Because you look like an idiot.

- Hey, Mom.
- Bye, buddy.

Get help.

Wish I could afford it.

Oh, man, my life is pathetic.

On the other hand...

Charlie's life is great.

Bartender, drinks for everybody.


Just house brands.

Hi. Charlie Harper.

Wow, a house on the beach.
That's awesome, Charlie.

I suppose it must seem that way.
You'd think driving around town...

in a big, brand-new Mercedes
would also be pretty awesome...

And it is.

- But at the end of the day,
it doesn't matter...

how much stuff you have.
What matters is what's in here.

What is in here?

Oh, pff, More cash.

How about that? Ha, ha.

And you got all that
just by writing jingles?

I know. Not even a real job.

What can I say?
You know, some of us are very lucky.

Very, very, very lucky.


Yeah, Charlie.

I mean, yeah, pff, Charlie, pff.

- You wanna get out of here?
- Wow, where'd that come from?

- I thought we were getting along.
- No, I mean together.

- Some place quiet?
- Oh, yes. Yes, by all means.

Let's go somewhere quiet.

Uh, bartender, thank you
for taking such good care of us.

Here you go. One, two, $3.

Give one of those to the waitress.
So where would you like to go?

How about your beach house?

Great idea.

Yeah, why go to Denny's or Applebee's
when you have your own beach house?

- Come, let us Mercedes to the beach.
- Okay.

[WHISPERS] This is so easy.



- Sweet Jesus.
- Surprise.

What happened to you?
What are you doing here?

Since I referred you to Dr. Schenkman...

he was kind enough to offer me
a free chemical peel.

When this heals,
I will have the face of a 12-year-old girl.

Yeah, but from the neck down,
you'll still be an Egyptian mummy.

Oh, hush. I just stopped by
to wish you luck tomorrow.

Well, thanks.
Wait. Why would I need luck?

Oh. No reason.

That 60 Minutes report on
Dr. Schenkman was entirely one-sided.

Much like that poor woman's vagina.

Sleep well.

Yeah, like I'm gonna sleep at all.

- Welcome to the casa del Charlie. Heh.
- Wow.

What a beautiful beach house.

Yes. Yes, it is. Beach is out there,
and just past it, the ocean.

- Keep going, and you hit Hawaii.
- Oh.

Then Japan. Ha, ha.

And I guess
this is where you write all your jingles?

Yup, this is where the magic happens.

Play me something.

Oh, gosh.

I'd rather not.

Please? For me?

Well, if you insist. Ha-ha-ha.


Uh, here is a little song
you might remember by...

the immortal...

Mr. Billy Joel.


Harry Truman, Doris Day

Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell

Joe DiMaggio, ho!

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon
Studebaker, television


Marilyn Monroe

We didn't start the fire

It was always burning
Since the world's been turning

We didn't start the fire

No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

We didn't start the fire



You're very talented.

No, no, no. Billy Joel was very talented.

I'm just a piano man.

- I only have one question.
- What's that?

How long are you gonna pretend
to be Charlie Harper?

Sing us a song, you're the piano man


Oh, please, just give it a rest.

How'd you know?

I've been with Charlie.

I've been in this house.

Well, color me embarrassed.


who are you?

All right. All right. Here's the truth.

My real name is Derek...



- Derek Brickhouse.
- Yeah, try again.

All right. My name is Alan.

I'm Charlie's brother.
I live on his foldout couch.

- I'm sorry. I'll drive you back.
- Hang on.

I didn't say I wanted to go.

Oh, no, but I thought
it was kind of implied.

- I'm having a good time. Aren't you?
- Well, not now.

I was, when I was Charlie.

And Billy Joel.

- Who else do you like to be?
- What do you mean?

I think role playing is kind of a turn-on.

- No kidding.
- Yeah.

That's why I came back here with you.

Makes some guys nervous.
Your brother hated it.

Well, I am not my brother. Ha-ha-ha.

As you so adroitly pointed out.

Come on.

Oh, boy, ha, ha, role playing.

Can I be the man?

- Are you serious?
- Well, I've had a bad run lately.

Mr. Harper.

Mr. Harper.

How are you feeling?

Okay. How'd it go?

It went great.

And the doctor decided
to give you a bonus.

Check them out.

Oh, no, no. I didn't ask for these.

- But you haven't even seen them yet.
- I don't wanna see them.

Hang on.

You know, this could work.

Gretchen, what exactly
was the role playing...

that freaked Charlie out so much?

Hang on. You'll see.

I'm glad you're not as uptight as he is.

Well, as you know,
I am capable of bending the rules...

and going with the flow...

What you think, schweinhund?

Not a deal breaker.

Honey, I'm home.

In the kitchen.

Kids okay?

How's the Beaver?

Everybody's fine. How was Vegas?

You know, the usual.

- How was your weekend?
- Pretty good.

I met a girl.

Did her name happen to be Gretchen?


- That's indelible marker, you know.
- I know.

- It'll come off in a few weeks.
- I figured.

Does she still have her little mustache?

You know, down at the Russian front.

I wouldn't know what she's got.
I was blindfolded and hog-tied.

Right. Right, right.

- Why are you wearing sunglasses?
- No reason.

Why don't you take them off?

Okay, fine. You might as well know.

Bar fight.

Oh, no. What happened?

Some bikers were giving a stripper
a hard time, so I jumped in.

- You're kidding.
- You know me.

I can't stand to see a naked,
high-heeled, glitter-covered...

Ping-Pong-ball-shooting woman
in distress.

Wow, that sounds very brave.

- Good for you.
- Thank you.

- Uh, Charlie?
- Yeah?

Uh, if you're gonna go with that story...

ask Mom to stop telling people
you had your eyes done.


The mummy strikes again.

You know, it's actually not a bad look.

Shame one guy
had to ruin it for everybody.

[English - US - SDH]