Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 3 - A Pudding-Filled Cactus - full transcript

Charlie is not amused to see that Alan, who finally moved in with Lyndsey Makelroy, returns to his beach-house for 'goodbye sex' with Melissa, who still thinks he lives there. Although Lyndsey offers Alan all he ever wanted, he still can't resist meeting Melissa in the 'love nest', whatever Charlie tries. When Melissa turns up unexpectedly, disaster strikes for all, even in Charlie's for once utterly innocent crotch.

Previously on Two and a Half Men:

I think you should move in.

- You bet your ass you're not gonna do it.
- I'm moving in with Lyndsey.

- Alan?
- Lyndsey and I...

have decided to live together.

Well, here we are. The final goodbye.

One can only hope.

- Alan?
- Melissa?

- I've missed you.
- So seeing anybody?

- Nope. You?
- Nope.

- Alan?
- I'll explain later.

Hey, Charlie.

I'm still moving in with Lyndsey.
This will just be my pied-?-terre.

I'm sorry I have to go.

Me too. I mean, that you have to go,
not that I have to go.

Why would I have to go?
I live here. Heh.

- Can we do this again?
- Again?

Well, maybe you can do it again,
but men are different.

I mean, another time.

Oh, sure. Why not? I live here.

- Ha, ha. Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

All right.
I know what you're gonna say.

I don't think you do.

It was wrong, I'm cheating on Lyndsey,
I'm lying to Melissa.

No, no, no. What I was gonna say is...

you don't live here. You moved out.

Not officially.
I never made it to Lyndsey's house.

- Speaking of which, I should get going.
- Alan, listen to me.

If you screw this up,
you're gonna wind up back here.

You need to understand something.
There is no "back here."

I got it, got it. It was a crazy impulse.

Ha, ha. Old girlfriend,
it was a one-time thing.

Uh, well, technically,
it was a two-time thing.

Second one was in the shower.


Well, that is where
you've been practicing.

You know, you have to admit,
this is a very curious turn of events.

I mean, seven years ago...

I arrived on this very doorstep,
heartbroken and alone...

and you had chicks
coming out the kazoo.


Now look at us.
The student has become the master.

Arigato, sensei.


You're welcome, grasshopper.

Lyndsey? You in here?

LYNDSEY: What took so long?
I was getting worried.

Well, uh, saying goodbye to Charlie
turned out to be tougher...

than I thought it was gonna be.

He didn't wanna see
his baby brother go.

LYNDSEY: You're kidding.
ALAN: Nope.

Charlie may be prickly
and crusty on the outside...

but inside, he's all soft and gooey.

Kind of like a pudding-filled cactus.

Well, I'm glad you're back because
I have a moving-in present for you.

Oh, great. Please don't be sex,
please don't be sex, please don't be sex.


Oh, boy, sex.


I sent the kids to the movies
so it's just you and me.

So no interruptions. Goodie.

Come on, unwrap your present.

All right, um, but how about
we make this one about your pleasure?

- Aren't you in the mood?
- Of course I'm in the mood. I'm a man.

Men are always in the mood, heh.



How about we do the first one fast
and the second one nice and slow?

- Heh, second one?
- Mm... Mm...

Oh, yay.

End of an era, huh, Charlie?

Yep. From now on,
no brother, no nephew...

just the sounds of the ocean...

punctuated by the soft voices
of prostitutes...

lying about the enormity
of my sexual organ.

You do know how to paint a picture.

What can I say?
I have the heart of a poet.

Unfortunately, the rest of you
is a drunken scumbag.




Don't move, don't breathe.

Charlie? Berta?

Oh, there you are.

Um, listen, I know I said
it was a one-time thing with Melissa...

but she called and wanted to see me
and I just couldn't say no.

So she's coming here?

This is where I live, you know,
as far as she's concerned.

- Would you excuse me for a minute?
- Take your time.

Thank you.

Come, let's talk.

- Here's the thing...
- Are you insane?

- Have you lost your mind?
- I know my future is with Lyndsey...

but I have so much chemistry
with Melissa.

- You can't keep this up.
- I know.

Last time,
I had to fake an orgasm with Lyndsey.

What? How does a man fake an orgasm?


I get it.

Please. Please, I'm begging you.


- Oh, okay, that's Melissa.
- No, Alan, this ends now.

I swear, last time. You got any Viagra?


Not for now, for when I go home.
So I don't have to, you know:


- God, I missed you.
- I missed you too.


MELISSA: Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.

I know a guy.

Ten grand,
you'll never have to see zippy again.

Ten grand?

Actually, he charges 500
but there's a finder's fee.

- Alan, dinner's on the table.

- You're a great cook, Mrs. MacElroy.
- Jake, I told you. Call me Lyndsey.

- Yes, ma'am.
- You are such a sweetie.

You could learn something from him.

- Suck up.
- Suck up with a drumstick.

I noticed this pipe on the mantel.

- It's a beauty.
- It was my grandfather's.

Oh, wow.
They don't make them like this anymore.

Hello, boys. How about
a little orange juice with your dinner?


- Is he high?
- I wish.

- I love a man with a pipe.
- Ha, ha.

You should get some tobacco for it.

Your dad's gonna smoke
a dead guy's pipe.

At least he didn't get hair plugs and
run off with my babysitter like your dad.

- Ow.
- Ow.

Now, boys, behave yourselves...

or I'll pull out my b-b-b-belt.

Alan, sit down.
White meat or dark meat?

I'll take a b-b-b-breast.

- Is that supposed to be somebody?
- It's Bing Crosby.

Oh! Heh.

- Who?
- Bing Crosby.

The black guy with the sweater,
used to have a TV show.

That's Will Smith, dumb-ass.



That's weird.


Hey, Charlie.

Oh, boy.

Isn't this nice,
eating together as a family?

It certainly is, Mother.

Maybe afterwards we can gather round
the fireside and sing a song or two.

Seriously, Alan,
that's not funny anymore.

- And don't call me Mother.
- Sorry.


And in this house, we don't talk
on the phone during dinner.

Oh, right, yeah.

Terrific rule,
but, uh, I just have to take this.

Hey, Charlie. What's up?

Oh, she's there now?

Well, what do you want me to do?

We're all gonna die, Charlie.

No, no, no.
Don't send her over here.

No. I'll be right there.
Just give me a minute.

Okay, let me tell you something.

This is now my house too.

If I want to talk on the phone,
I'm going to.

- What's wrong with you?
- Don't you nag me, woman.

- Where are you going?
- I am going to take a drive and cool off.


- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Doesn't Alan usually come home
right after work?

- Usually.
- Hope he didn't get into an accident.

No, I'm not that lucky.

- How can you say that?
- I'm just stating a fact.

Charlie, I'm home from work.
Oh, Melissa, ha, ha, what the heck?

I wanted to surprise you,
but you were so late we started to worry.

She's using the royal "we."

I would've been home earlier, but we had
a, uh, little situation at the office.

Oh, no. What happened?

Um, well, I, uh, lost a patient.

Oh, my God, someone died?

Oh, no, no.
Not, you know, lost like died.

Uh, more like, uh, uh, misplaced.

- Oh, thank goodness.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Alan?
- Yeah?

I'm just wondering. How does
a chiropractor misplace a patient?

- Good question.
- I thought so.

Well, uh, he's an elderly fellow...

uh, who in addition to scoliosis...

also has dementia.

I just spent the last hour and a half
driving up Ventura Boulevard...

looking for a, you know, shirtless,
hunched-over, 80-year-old man.

Found quite a few, heh.

But, uh, none of them were mine.


So he's still out there?


Did you call the police?

Yes, Charlie, I did.

What did they say?

They thanked me for my help...

and told me to go home
and let them do their job.

So here I am. Home.


- Better late than never.
- Oh, please.

You've never given never a chance.

Do you mind?

I do. I thought I made that clear.

All right, all right.

- Melissa, we can't do this anymore.
- I agree.

- You do?
- Yes.

I think I should move in here with you.

- Here?
- Here?

Why don't we talk about it
after we make love?


It could work.

I'm just gonna go home
and get some things.

- I'll be back in a little while.
- Great.


That's really getting annoying.

Do me a favor, talk me through this.

- Excuse me?
- What's your strategy?

Explain it to me, Lucy.

Okay, admittedly I may have overplayed
my hand a little.


You're living with Lyndsey
and you asked Melissa to move in here.

Yeah, I gotta work on that.

So listen, when Melissa comes back,
make some sort of excuse.

What? Like I was cruising
Ventura Boulevard...

for an old, shirtless hunchback?

Yeah, not my finest moment.
You're experienced at that kind of thing.

No, no, I'm experienced at promiscuity.

This is polygamy. And frankly,
I find it extremely distasteful.

Oh, this you find distasteful?

The man who was asked
to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude...

finds this distasteful?

That was a misunderstanding.

I had no idea
it was an endangered species.

Nothing I'm doing requires
a 10-day quarantine...

and a series of rabies shots.

- Oh, hello.
- Oh, Mom, thank God you're here.

Your sarcasm is unappreciated,

No, really. You gotta talk to Alan,
tell him not to screw up with Lyndsey.

- Who's Lyndsey?
- My girlfriend.

- You have a girlfriend?
- He moved in with her.

You moved in with a girlfriend?

Yeah. He's cheating
with his ex-girlfriend...

and he invited that one
to move in here.

When were you planning
to tell me all this?

- We're telling you now.
- So as usual, I'm the last to know.

Mom, Mom, focus.

He moved out. After seven years
of putting up with him and his kid...

he finally moved.
I need him to stay out.

So Jake is gone too?
No one thought to call me.

Okay, as usual, you're just useless.

Alan, this can't go on any longer.
You have to choose...

between Lyndsey and Melissa
and you have to choose now.

You're right, you're right.

What to do?

When did he start smoking a pipe?

I don't know. This is new.


- That's probably Lyndsey.
- Which one is Lyndsey?

- The one he moved in with.
- What's wrong with her?

- Single mom, teenage son.
- So, desperate?

Like a goldfish in a leaky bag.

Oh, my God.
Lyndsey is apologizing to me, ha, ha...

says she was wrong.

- About what?
- What difference does it make?


I won an argument with a woman.

Which is why she's the gal for you.
Go to her. Love her. Cherish her.

I don't know.

Okay, then take her for granted...

and treat her like crap
until she hangs herself, but go.

- What about Melissa?
- You have to break that off.

You're right. You're right.
I have to step up and be a man.

- What are you doing?
- Telling Melissa it's over.

With a text?

Well, I'm putting a little sad face
at the end.

All right.
Well, uh, I guess it's time to go home...

and come clean with Lyndsey.
- No, no, no. No coming clean.

Unless you're banging Mr. Bubble.

I don't want to build our new life
together on a foundation of lies.

Oh, yes, you do.

Listen to your mother.

Trust me. No good ever comes
from revealing an indiscretion.

And you know this how?

I'd rather not say.

You're saying when you were married...

Whoa, whoa.
When did everything become about me?

When we were born.

Don't get me started on that.
My episiotomy still itches.

My point, Alan, is it is not fair
to ease your conscience...

by dumping your sins
on the woman you love.

Yeah, Alan, don't be selfish.


Oh, what now?

Oh, Melissa is not taking it well.

"I hate you, you stupid cork-soaker"?

Auto spellcheck. Anyway.

I gotta go. Bye, Mom.

- Ahh, okay, dodged a bullet.
- Yep.

So now that he's gone, what are you
gonna do with that empty room?

- Uh, why do you ask?
- I was just thinking...

it might be nice to spend the
occasional weekend here on the beach.

Oh, darling, you should see your face.


- Hey.
- Oh, thank God you're back.

- Sorry I stormed off like that.
- No, no.

You had every right.

Sorry I treated you like
some kind of house guest.

Oh, that's okay, I'm used to it.

Seven years with Charlie,
a dozen years with Judith...

and all that time with my mom.

Well, from now on,
this house is your home.

If you wanna talk on the phone...

you just go right ahead and do it.
- Really?

Can I hang my
Chiropractor of the Year plaque?

- Of course.
- In the living room?

Wherever you want.

Charlie made me hang it
in my bathroom.

I'm not Charlie, and I'm proud
you're chiropractor of the year.

Oh, not this year. 2002.

After that,
they tightened up the voting rules.

So, uh, what about acidophilus milk?

- What about it?
- I like it.

- Then we'll get it.
- I can keep it in the refrigerator?

Where else would you?

Charlie made me keep all my dairy
products in an ice chest in the garage.

That's terrible.

I lost so much cheese.

Oh, honey.
Well, this is your home now...

and you can put your cheese
wherever you want.

Sing show tunes in the shower?

- Charlie didn't let you sing show tunes?
- That was my mother.

Said I was effeminate enough already.

Well, as far as I'm concerned,
you are all man.

Oh, Lyndsey, you're too good to me.

Oh, it's only what you deserve.

Okay, I can't live with this guilt.
I have to confess something.


Okay, a few days ago
I ran into an ex-girlfriend...

who I had a lot of chemistry with.
- You had sex.

Let me finish.


I did not have sex with her.

Then why do you feel guilty?

Uh... Well, after I ran into her...

I, uh, uh, found myself...

fantasizing about her.

- Fantasizing? That's it?
- That's it.

And nothing crazy,
just straight missionary.

Sweetie, we all fantasize.

Every time I go to the car wash...

I imagine myself
being bent over a soapy BMW...

by a man with callused hands
and no green card.

Really? Every time?

It's not always a BMW.

Come on, let's go to bed.


- Ha, ha.
- Don't ruin it.



- Where is he?
- I don't know.

I'm gonna give you one last chance.
Where is he?

I'm sorry. I don't...



- What's going on?
- She kneed me in the nuts.

- What'd you do to her?
- Nothing.

- What'd he do to you?
- He won't tell me where his brother is.

I can't. I'm not a rat.

What are you gonna do to Alan
when you find him?

Same thing I did to Charlie,
but worse.

He's at Lyndsey's.
1182 Bonnie Meadow Drive.

Sherman Oaks. Big blue house.


I'm sorry, Charlie.


Oh, stop whining.

On some level,
I'm sure you had it coming.

So I was thinking of turning
that little storage room into a den.

You know, kind of a man cave.

Whatever you want, sweetie.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

So I can get a flat screen,
maybe a wet bar?

If that's what it takes
to make you happy here.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Enough talking,
let's make love in our home.

Oh, yes, our home.

Do you smell something burning?

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

How are you feeling?

I think she punched my right nut
up into my rib cage.

Poor baby.
You want Mommy to take a look?

No, thanks.

- I have seen them before.
- I know.

I imagine they're hanging
a lot lower now.

Right back at you, Mom.

Touch?, darling.

You will never guess what happened.

[English - US - SDH]