Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 16 - That Darn Priest - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:

MAN:
- Now come to be joined.

Rose and Manfred...

She's really doing it.

- Rose is getting married.
- And we're clear.

Yep. That ought to do it.

Thanks, Freddie.

Who moves you, Rose, him or me?

- I love Manny.
- Fine. You just say the word and I'll go.

- Time's up.
- Mm.

I am willing to let you
get in on the ground floor...



of an amazing business opportunity.

- How much is this gonna cost me?
- Five thousand dollars.

Okay, I'll give you the 5 grand,
knowing that I'll never see it again...

and wishing that it was you.

- How much?
- I think I'll need...

- Ten thousand dollars.
- All right.

- Although I could make due... All right?
- How much are we talking about?

- Fifteen thousand.
- Hang on, I'll get my checkbook.

Tell you what. Let it ride.

Really?

A 20 percent return
in a couple of weeks? Come on.

So, listen, can anybody
get in on this deal of yours?

You ask for money
and they just give it to you.

And then you take
the new money and use it...



to pay back some of the old money,
but they don't want it back.

And they give you more.
Because they're greedy.

Oh, God, what have I done?

Hi. I'd like a Jumbo Jack
and an apple turnover.

[WINDOW OPENS]

Do you want fries with that?

Sorry. I didn't realize
there was anybody in there. Um...

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned?

Are you asking me or telling me?

Telling you? I'm sorry.
I'm just not really sure of the rules.

When was your last confession?

Oh, wow, let's see. Uh, that would be...

Never?

- Are you even Catholic?
- No, but I'm a big fan.

The costumes, the music,
um, crackers and wine.

That's the body and blood of our savior.

I know. Mm-mm, good. Ha, ha.

You guys ever think about putting that
in supermarkets like a Lunchable?

What can I do for you, my son?

Oh, right to it. Heh.

Okay, just to be clear,
what I tell you is between you and me.

And the Lord.

Sure, but I'm not worried
about him blabbing. You, I just met.

Couldn't pick you out of a lineup.

Whatever you say here is confidential.

And I just drank a huge Arnold Palmer,
so could you get to it?

Absolutely, absolutely. Here it is.

Do you know what a Ponzi scheme is?

- I do. Are you an investment banker?
- No, I'm a chiropractor.

A chiropractic Ponzi scheme.
Okay, you piqued my interest.

Okay, long story short, I chiseled
my family out of a lot of money...

they're never gonna see again.
- You're feeling guilty.

Bingo. Hey, bingo. Ha, ha.
That's your racket, right?

Yeah, that's us.

You gotta like a God that's willing
to put the hustle on old ladies.

Arnold Palmer's on the 18th hole.

Right, right, sorry, sorry.

So I was hoping
that you could forgive me.

Are you prepared
to make restitution...

and confess what you've done
to your family?

Oh, God, no.

I was hoping you could give me
a few Hail Marys...

and I could make a donation
to the Church's legal-defense fund.

Win-win.

That's not how absolution works.

You have to make an act of contrition
and then do penance.

- Do I get to keep the money?
- No.

Ah.

Uh, you know what?

I'm just gonna mosey over
to Temple Beth Shalom...

and see what their deal is.

I'll get back to you.

Oy vey.

[SINGING "TWO AND A HALF MEN"
THEME]

Wow.

Yeah.

That was incredible.

More than incredible.
It was transcendental.

This is where I was always meant to be,
Rose. Right here in your arms.

I'm so glad to hear you say that, Charlie.

Now get out.

- So soon?
- Manny will be home any minute.

But I wanna cuddle.

You want us to get caught?

This isn't fair.

The two of us sneaking around
so we can spend an hour together.

Well, what can I do? I have a husband.

Let's go away for the weekend.
Just the two of us.

Where?

I don't care. Someplace where we can
walk down the street holding hands.

Where we can laugh, play,
yell at the top of our lungs...

and not care who hears.
- So Disneyland?

I was thinking more in terms
of someplace with liquor, but...

That's Manny's car.

- I didn't hear anything.
- It's a Prius.

Just think about it, okay?

A romantic weekend
with nothing for us to do...

but make love and be together.

And, you know, drink.

Yay.

After all these years,
I finally get a weekend with Charlie.

Did you hear that, hubby?

Up top.

Think, damn it.

There's gotta be a way
to lose the guilt and keep the money.

There is.

You've made
enough trouble for me already.

Quit your bitching.

And for God's sake, stop washing
your hands like Lady Macbeth.

- I have to wash my hands. I just peed.
- So?

So, what if I don't wash
and then shake somebody's hand?

Screw them.
They were probably picking their nose.

Now listen to me.
You've gotta grow a pair.

Ah. I've got a pair.

You've got a pair of panties.

ALAN:
You can't talk to me like that.

And stay away from that darn priest.

I need somebody to talk to.

That's what I'm here for.

Dad?

Hey, buddy.

- Is there somebody in there with you?
- Oh, no. Nobody but me. See.

Then who were you talking to?

Oh, uh, I was just singing.

That wasn't singing.

Who are you, Simon Cowell?

- What do you want?
- I need to borrow 50 bucks.

Oh. Oh, sure.

Me and Eldridge went to visit this friend
of ours who's in the hospital...

but he forgot his book on the bus, so
I lent him mine but he lost that one too.

I have to buy two math books
because he's broke.

And there's this big math test coming up
and we were gonna study together for it.

Oversold it, didn't I?

[CHARLIE CHUCKLING]

- What's funny?
- Rose is at a party with her husband...

and she's sexting me
from under the table.

Sexting?

It's like regular texting,
but, you know, dirty.

- Hmm.
- You see, that's not a smiley face.

Charming. Um...

I need to talk to you about something.

Yeah, sure. What's up?

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, you bad girl. Ha, ha.

You know that money you gave to me
to invest in my business?

Yeah, what about it?

Well, here's the thing.

I know I said
I was gonna buy advertising...

I told Rose
about how well you're doing for me...

and now she wants in.

- She does?
- Oh, yeah. And she's loaded too.

Huh.

- So, what did you wanna talk about?
- Uh...

Just that we're making money
up the wazoo.

So you're gonna need a bigger wazoo.

That's great.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]

Man, she's not wearing
any underwear.

She texted you that?

Sent me a picture.

Excuse me, but I gotta respond.

Uh, let me just give you some privacy.

Where are you going?

Who's gonna take the picture?

So, Rose, I appreciate your interest,
but things are going incredibly well.

Yeah, I can barely handle
the volume of patients I have now.

Really?

Thirty thousand dollars?

Take it. Take it.

Shh, shh.

We can get a new car.

Maybe one with a working radio
and brakes.

You know what, Rose?

We've been friends a long time,
so I'm gonna make an exception here.

Ha, ha. You're welcome.

Can you wire the money over today?

I can give it to you right now.

Whoa.

You surprised me. Ahem.

Oh, Alan, Alan, Alan.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, what do you mean?
I'm just taking a break between patients.

Oh, uh, uh...

Chiropractic x-ray glasses.

Cutting-edge stuff.

Oh, please.
There's nobody in the waiting room.

You don't even have a receptionist.

Oh, she's off. It's a Jewish holiday.

Which one?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

What are you doing here?

Did you think I was gonna invest
without doing my due diligence?

Everybody else did.

- Now I know what's really going on.
- No, you don't.

You're stealing from your own family.

Oh. I guess you do.

Shame on you.

A whistle-blower.

This could be problematic.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.
She's gonna tell Charlie.

Charlie's gonna tell Mom,
then Berta, then Herb, then Judith.

Oh, my God, Judith.

Gotta be something that I can do.
There's gotta be.

You're on the toilet, why don't you
whip out your lady parts and tinkle?

You. This is all your fault.

I didn't hear you bellyaching when
you were watching 3-D beach babes.

Excuse me, but I am about to go to jail.

You know what happens
to slender fellas in jail?

They usually hang themselves
after their first shower.

But relax.

Rose ain't gonna tell nobody nothing.

Way I see it, you've got
as much on her as she's got on you.

You're right.
She's cheating on her husband.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

She tells on me, I tell on her.

Crisscross, apple sauce.

I got nothing to worry about.

Herky-jerky, where's your turkey?

- Why do you keep talking like that?
- I'm looking for a catch phrase.

BERTA: Zippy?
- Flimflam, you're in a jam.

Oh, hey.

- Somebody in there with you?
- Oh, no, no. Um, how can I help you?

Just brought your clean towels.

- What about my washcloths?
- I threw those away.

- Why?
- Do you really have to ask?

Miss you, kiss you, use a tissue.

You're awfully quiet tonight.

Now, don't look at me that way.

You knew the deal when we got married.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh-oh. Shh.

Who is it?

It's Alan. We need to talk.

Just a second.

Let's go, Rose. I haven't got all night.

What is wrong with you?

Manny is taking a nap on the deck.

Maybe I need to wake him up
and have a little talk with him.

About what?

You might be tempted to tell someone
about my little business venture.

- You mean your Ponzi scheme?
- Knock it off, Rose.

Unless you want me to tell your husband
you're having an affair with my brother.

You wouldn't.

Crisscross, apple sauce.

What?

Doesn't matter.

The point is, if you tell, I'll tell.

Go ahead. Tell him.

If my husband leaves me,
I'll still have Charlie.

But if I tell everyone what you've been
up to, what will you have?

Crap.

Oopsie-doopsie, watch your poopsie.

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

There's a bird on your husband's head.

Yeah. So?

Crap.

This is your husband?
This is Manny Quinn?

Oh, my God, Manny Quinn.

Your husband's a dummy.

To be fair, he wasn't the one
fooled by a mannequin.

What do you use
to get bird poop off a husband?

Charlie thinks you're actually married.

Uh, yeah, that's kind of the idea.

- I'm not gonna let you scam him.
- I understand.

What's that, Manny?
I hadn't even thought of that.

Thought of what?
What are you saying?

How much would you need
to pay back the money you stole?

I didn't steal, they invested.

- Fine. How much?
- Fifty thousand dollars.

Why don't you wait here
and I'll get my checkbook.

Oh, no, no... I am loyal to my brother.
You can't buy my silence with a check.

- You want cash?
- You have cash?

I mean, I won't betray Charlie.

You may have to kill him.

Well, hey, what are you still doing here?

I need my money back.

- Why?
- Just found out...

two of my teenage
granddaughters are pregnant.

- At the same time?
- By the same guy.

Long story short, I need cash, quick.

- Um, okay. How much are we talking?
- All of it.

- All of it?
- Is that a problem?

No, no, it's not a problem. Um...

If you want cash, you'll have to wait
till tomorrow so I can go to the bank.

- Tomorrow's fine.
- Good, good.

Of course, you're gonna lose
quite a bit by pulling out early.

Yeah, well, if Jimmy Lee had done
the same, I wouldn't need the money.

Okay, tomorrow.

Oh, boy.

ALAN:
Don't panic.

In the toaster, numbnuts.

Okay, Mr. Smart-Guy.

How do you suggest I pay off Berta?
I spent all the money.

- On what?
- Well, you know, clothing, jewelry...

electronics, little lipo.

Liposuction?

I had a bit of a muffin top.

You know, I actually feel a lot better
about myself now.

Okay, well, then you're gonna
have to get another investor.

- What about the goofy chick?
- Rose? She did offer me $50,000.

Why didn't you take it?

If I took it,
I would have to betray my brother.

Hey, Alan. Who are you talking to?

- Nobody. Want some toast?
- Maybe later.

Check it out.
Two first-class tickets to Paris.

We're going to Paris? Great idea.

Can we leave before the banks
open tomorrow?

What? Are you out of your mind?

I'm taking Rose. They have their own
Disneyland there and they serve wine.

But what about her husband?

I'm gonna ask her to leave him
and marry me.

Oh, gee, Charlie,
that may not be the best idea.

I don't recall asking for your opinion.

Hey, hey, I'm just looking out for you.

Do me a favor, a little less looking out,
little more moving out.

You're right. Screw him.

Let's go get cash from the crazy
chick who married the mannequin.

She's crazy? I'm the one talking
to a kitchen appliance.

Hey, look, I'm trapped in a toaster.

Wait, wait, I'm coming with you.

I think that's everything.

- What did you tell your husband?
- I didn't have to tell him anything.

He's in New York for a fashion show.

Perfect. So, what kind of clothes
does he design anyway?

- Men's sportswear, mostly.
- Anything I might like?

No, it's more the kind of stuff
Alan would wear.

Oh, so tacky.

You know, I think I left my raincoat
in the bedroom.

- I'll get it.
- Oh, thanks.

Uh-oh.

Whoa.

I guess the guy
brings his work home with him.

Yep. Tacky.

I got it.

Here is your $10,000. Hope it works out
with your granddaughters.

They're 15 years old and pregnant.

What should I look forward to,
the next season of Teen Mom?

And that is it.

Everybody is paid off.

But you're broke again.

But my conscience is clear.

Dynamite.

The rhyming thing
really wasn't working.

Leave me alone.
All you are is my dark side.

Fine, would you rather listen
to your light side?

- What are you talking about?
- There's more of us in here.

More?

Oh, really? That shirt with those pants?
What were you thinking?

Okay, who else you got?

Who else do you need?

[English - US - SDH]