Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 9, Episode 1 - Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt - full transcript

After the death of Charlie Harper, Alan faces the reality of moving out of his brother's beach house - until he meets a depressed Internet billionaire whose wife just left him.

Hello, I'm Charlie's brother, Alan.

I wanna thank you all for coming.

I know this is a very sad day
for all of us.

Speak for yourself.

Okay, I understand that some of you
have "mixed feelings"...

...but I think we can all agree
that Charlie lived life to its fullest...

...and gave it everything he had.

He gave me herpes.


Vaginal warts.

Excuse me,
this is my dead son we're talking about.

I loved him
and I'm devastated that he's gone.

Leaving me with nothing
but my memories, and my regrets...

...and the listing for his beautiful
beach front Malibu getaway...

...with three bedrooms,
three and a half baths...

...and a beautiful,
panoramic ocean view.

Help yourselves to brochures
out by the coffee urn.

Thank you, Mom. Anyway--

Open house is Sunday, 1 to 5.

Okay, I'd like to take a moment
to talk about my brother...

...and his incredible love for life.

He also loved being spanked.

While wearing my panties.

He used my panties to make tea.

My point is that Charlie lived life
on his own terms...

...and never apologized
for who he was.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah,
why can't we see the body?

Yeah, I didn't come all this way
to spit on a closed coffin.

Okay. I understand how you feel.

But, unfortunately, due
to the circumstances of his passing...

...the remains aren't exactly spittable.

I have a question.

Okay, I wasn't planning on doing a Q&A,
but go ahead.

Thank you.

Charlie owes me $38,000
for some, let's say, pharmaceuticals.

Who do I talk to about that?

That's something you'll have to discuss
with the lawyers.

Yeah, I'd rather not involve the law. Heh.

And now,
I thought we'd take this moment... hear from the person
who was with Charlie at the end.

Thank you, Alan.

Charlie Harper
was the love of my life...

...and a wonderful, wonderful man.

Selfish pig. Ahem.

Sure, our relationship
had its ups and downs...

...and the occasional restraining order.

But at the end, we ran away
together to Paris...

...where he asked me to marry him.

I said, "yes," and the next few days
were the happiest of my life.

Nothing could spoil it.

Not even when I came home
from shopping...

...and found him taking a shower
with another woman.

-That's Charlie.
-That's Charlie. Yeah.

But I forgave him
because I loved him unconditionally.

So you can imagine my horror
when the very next day...

...he slipped on the Metro platform
and fell in front of an oncoming train.

Never cross a crazy woman.

I just want you all to know
that Charlie didn't suffer.

His body just exploded
like a balloon full of meat.

Thank you.

I'm hungry. Anyone else hungry?

Charlie was the best boss I ever had.

I needed a day off.
"Sure, Berta, no problem."

I needed a couple extra bucks.
"Sure, Berta, no problem."

All he ever asked in return
was clean sheets...

...and hosing the vomit
off the occasional drug-addled hooker.

What a beautiful story.

Can you keep the house clean
till I sell it?

Can I count on you
to keep paying me?

There's virtually no money
in Charlie's estate...

...but I'd pay you
once the house sells.

Then that's when I'll clean it.

I still don't see why we have to sell.

He left it to me,
he wanted me to have it.

-Can you make mortgage payments?

-Can you pay the property tax?
-Not per se.

But I was kind of hoping
you'd help out.

I mean, after all,
your grandson lives here part-time.


Good job raising him.

Darling, I can't afford... maintain my house and your house
at the same time.

But you're my mommy.

Good job raising him.

Once I sell this place,
you can come live with me.

But why would I have to? Won't I
get a lot of money from the sale?

Oh, please. Charlie had three mortgages
on this place.

Once we deduct closing costs
and escrow fees and my commission...'ll be lucky to break even.
-Planning to take a commission?

She doesn't work for free.
Why should I?

Don't think those silent ones
are fooling anybody.


-Hi, I'm here for the open house.
-Come right in.

Thank you.

Three bedrooms,
three and a half baths.

Sixty feet
of prime Malibu ocean front.

Wait a minute. I know this place.
This is Charlie Harper's place, right?

-It was.
-Then I can't buy it.

Uh-- What? Why?

Bad memories.

Charlie and I had this drunken threesome
with a crazy chick on this couch.

Sounds like a good memory.

Yeah, unfortunately, she passed out,
and Charlie and I kept going without her.

Bad memory.

Oh, the feng shui is great.

I mean,
the place just oozes positive energy.

It's not practical.

The commute downtown
would kill me.

Don't worry, sweetie.
Just let the universe provide.

The universe doesn't provide.
I provide.

I bust my ass 80 hours a week.

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody needs
to meditate.

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody needs
to file for divorce.

Really? You wanna play that card?

I will take you
and your uptight, bourgeois family...

...for every penny you've got.


Bye-bye. Keeh!

What a fun couple.


Sorry, the open house is over.

I got a package for Alan Harper.

-Oh, that's me.
-Sign here.

Oh, how exciting. Heh.

I wonder what it is.

It's from a crematorium,
so that kind of narrows it down.

That's my brother.

Berta, Charlie's here.

-Thank you.


... here we are, buddy.

Just like old times, huh?

I'm talking
and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.

I wanted to tell you that I loved you...

...and I will miss you...

...and I will always be grateful
for you taking Jake and me in...

...letting us live here all these years.

So now the question is...

...what do we do with you?

I know what you said you wanted...

...but I don't think Pamela Anderson
will agree to swallow your ashes.

I mean, I could take you with me
to live at Mom's...

...but that's how horror movies start.

Hey, maybe I could sprinkle you
on the beach.

I mean, it's simple, it's dignified...

...and pretty girls covered with oil
will be sitting on you all day.

Kind of like your life.

Except for the dignified part.

All right.



...I guess now
is as good a time as any.


I ain't cleaning him up.

Can I use your phone?

Sure, I guess.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
I was just trying to drown myself.

-You tried to commit suicide?

But I had no idea
that the water would be that cold.

I could've worn a wetsuit,
but who tries to commit suicide... a wetsuit, right?

-That phone right there?
-Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

-Oh, you got a towel?
-Oh, sure.


Hi, it's me.

I want you to know
I just flung myself in the ocean...

...because I can't live without you.

No, I'm not calling you
from the ocean.

Because it was cold.

I don't--
I'm in some guy's house.

-Alan Harper.
-I am in Alan Harper's house.

How about it? Will you take me back?

Are you sure?

You heard what I said
about the ocean, right?

Okay, fine. I'll stop bothering you.

But I want you to know
that I will love you forever and ever.

Really? That bothers you?

Okay, bye.

You got a wetsuit?

Come on. It can't be that bad.

It could be, you don't know.

No. No. I do.

Come on. Come on. Sit down.
Sit down.

Listen, I have been where you are.

Rejected, friendless, broke.

I'm not broke.
I'm worth, like, a billion dollars.

Beg pardon?

One point three
is what her lawyer says.

But I would give up every penny
if she would take me back.

No, no, no, you don't wanna do that.

I think you can find a lot of girls
for way less money.

I don't want other girls.
I want Bridget.

Right, right.

Just to clarify,
did you say billion with a "buh"?

Listen, trust me,
money does not buy happiness.

I wouldn't know,
I've never had either.

Come on, you're doing all right.

You're living in a beach house
in Malibu.

I have to sell it.
And it's not even mine, it's his.

-Who his?
-That's my dead brother.


I'm sorry I made you spill him.

That's okay. That's okay.
I'll DustBust him later.

You know what? I'll get out of your way.
Thank you for letting me use your phone.

Hang on. You sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm just gonna go back
to my hotel room...

...and update my Facebook status
to "not dead yet."

Wait. I just went to one funeral, I
don't wanna be involved in another one.

Why don't you and I go out
and have a drink and talk.

About what?

Oh, I don't know,
the weather, politics...

...why somebody would wanna kill themself
when they have a billion freaking dollars.

Come on,
we'll put your clothes in the dryer.

All right.

Oh, by the way...

...I'm Walden. Walden Schmidt.

Well, it's nice to meet you,
Walden Schmidt.

Oh. I suppose there's no reason you can't
undress right here in the living room.

Oh, skivvies coming off too. Okay.

Okay, well, no body issues.

Lucky you. That's--


-You're a good guy, Alan Harper.
-Oh, and he's a hugger as well.

Okey-dokey. I'll be right back.

One point three billion dollars,
and he's hung like an elephant.

I will have an appletini and....

Oh, ginger ale, please.


Fresh off a suicide attempt
and ordering ginger ale?

Yeah. I don't like the taste of alcohol.

Nobody likes the taste of alcohol.
We like the effects of alcohol.

How it makes you feel tall,
good-looking and smart.

I am tall, good-looking and smart.

Give him an appletini.

So just out of curiosity... does someone get to be worth
so much money?

Well, it's pretty simple, really.

And you never will, because Microsoft
bought it from me for $1.3 billion...

...and then they bundled it
with their iPod killer, the Zune.

I don't think it came with my Zune.

You bought a Zune?

I had a coupon.


Oh, gah.

So don't take this the wrong way...

...but I can't get the image of your penis
out of my mind.

Thank you, that's very sweet.

You don't understand.

was my high school sweetheart.

She was the love of my life.

Why did she leave you?

-She catch you with another woman?

-Sex no good?
-No, it was great.

You sure? Because sometimes
they'll tell you it was good...

...and then you find out later
they hated the very touch of you.

Happened to a guy I know.

Well, she said
that I was emotionally immature.

You mean like threatening suicide
unless she takes you back?

That is not immature, that's romantic.

Shut up.

I know what you're going through.

I married my college sweetheart, and
when she divorced me I was devastated.

-Why did she leave you?
-Not a clue. She's a crazy bitch.

The point is, when life serves you
ball-breakers who rip your heart out... have to make...

... ball-breaker-ade.

Bridget never broke my balls.

If anything, she treated them
with tenderness and respect.

Okay, okay. Just for tonight,
will you forget about Bridget...

...and just try to meet somebody new?

-Like who?
-I don't know.

How about her?


What would I say?

Well, I would not lead
with the testicle anecdote.

Just say hi.




-I'm Walden.

So, Kelly... wife dumped me
and I wanna die.

Oh, you poor baby.

I love her so much.



I don't know if I can ever love anyone
the way that I love her.

That's the most beautiful thing
that I've ever heard.

It'll be okay.

Oh, God, I miss my wife.

Here is where I live.

Oh, nice.

Just me and my broken heart.

Alan, I think I should go back
to my hotel.

Are you nuts? We're doing great.

This crap about loving our exes
is gold.

My brother would be so proud.

The dude in the DustBuster?

Yeah. Uh--

Ladies, who's up for a libation?

-A what?

A drink. Alcohol.


Be right back.

-What's upstairs?
-I don't know. Probably a bedroom.

Why don't we go find out?

Oh.... Okay.

Shouldn't we tell Alan
where we're going?


Who's ready for margaritas?

WALDEN: Whoa, one at a time, ladies.
One at a time.


Well, this is depressingly familiar.

Shut up.


Oh, good golly.

Oh. I'm Walden.

I'm impressed. Ha-ha.

Oh, Alan.

Guess what?
I had sex with two girls last night.

Great. I masturbated
and cried myself to sleep.

I like my night better.

Oh, hey, I dig your house,
so I'm gonna buy it, okay?

-Oh, okay. Thanks.
-You're the best.

Oh-- Ugh.


This is Walden.

He's gonna buy the house.

Welcome to my humble abode.

I like him.

[English - US - SDH]