Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 15 - Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on Two and a Half Men:

PRIEST: Persons present now come
to be joined. Rose and Manfred...

She's really doing it.

- Rose is getting married.
- And we're clear.

Yep. That ought to do it.

Thanks, Freddy.

- Who moves you, Rose? Him or me?
- I love Manny.

Fine. You just say the word
and I'll go.

Time's up.

ALAN:
Charlie, you home?

Charlie?



Hello?

Didn't you hear me?

Didn't you see me trying to hide?

Cute. Okay.

How would you feel
if I said I was moving out?

Same way Charlie Brown feels
when Lucy offers to hold the football.

Excited, but with a skepticism
born out of countless disappointments.

Ha-ha-ha. I deserve that.

But it's different this time. Read this.

"A larger penis can be yours
with a non-invasive surgical procedure."

No. No. Next to it. There.

"Dr. Dave Ciambotti."

Orange County's
number one chiropractor.

"Mention this ad for 20 percent discount
and a free Spinebuster key chain."



What's this have to do
with moving out?

I went to school with Dave Ciambotti.
We were roommates.

Say no more.

You're finally out of the closet
and shacking up with Dr. Dave.

Congratulations,
God bless you both.

No. No.

It's okay, Alan. I don't judge.

Although I'm sure
Old Dave could do better.

Will you stop?

Okay, Dave and I had
the same education, the same skills.

We started our practice
at the same time.

But he does three times the business
that I do. You know why?

He offers happy endings?

Target market advertising.

Another way of saying
"happy ending"?

No, no. It means newspaper ads,
uh, fliers, radio spots.

Since Dave started doing it,
his business has been through the roof.

How much is this gonna cost me?

No, no. The question is,
how much is it gonna earn you?

I'll stick with my question.

Charlie, I'm willing to let you in...

on the ground floor
of an amazing business opportunity.

Still waiting for a number, Alan.

Five thousand dollars.

Five grand?

For 2 I'd have you buried in the desert
and have 3 to get myself a larger penis.

To be honest,
that'd just be gilding the lily.

Come on. With targeted advertising,
I could double the size of my practice.

Wow, a second patient.

You're not listening. Once the profits
start rolling in, I can move out.

Once I grow boobs, I can start dancing
the lunch shift...

at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.

I'm serious. This is a chance
that could turn my life around.

- Did you ask Mom for money?
- Seriously?

No, I'm just grasping at straws.

So, what do you say?

[SIGHS]

Okay, fine. I'll give you 5 grand...

knowing full well that I'll never see it
again, and wishing that it was you.

Thank you, Charlie. Thank you so much.
You are not gonna regret this.

You have $5000 in your sweatpants?

I prefer to think of it as three hookers
and a Philly cheesesteak.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hang on a sec.

Hello? Oh, hey, Rose.

Why don't I count it while you talk?

He's gone? Well, great.

I'll be over in five minutes
with bells on.

No, no, no,
it's just a figure of speech.

But... Sure,
I suppose I could try to find some bells.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

I gotta run.
Her husband's at a meeting.

Oh, Charlie, really?

The woman's trying to build a new life
and you're gonna have an affair?

- You want this money or not?
- Give her my best.

Aw, heh.

That was easy money.

Hi, Mom.

Do you have a minute to hear about
an amazing business opportunity?

So it isn't really a favor for me
as much as it's an opportunity for you.

Right.

Why don't you just ask your brother
for the money?

I thought of that,
but after all he's done for me...

I'd feel horrible asking for a loan.

And after all I've done for you?

I still feel horrible, but you never
threaten to smother me in my sleep.

Not since you learned to talk, anyway.

- How much?
- Well, I'm, uh, gonna take out some ads...

in the PennySaver, and on local radio,
probably some circulars.

Uh, maybe one of those giant
compressed-air guys...

with the flailing arms, you know?

Um, I think I'll need...

$10,000?

- All right.
- Although I could make do..."All right"?

You're my son. I should at least pretend
to believe in you.

Wow. Uh...

Thank you. Heh.

I'm putting American Cancer Society
on the memo line. Just ignore that.

No problem. You won't be sorry.

You'll get your money back,
plus interest.

Of course I am.

Never doubted it.

- That for luck?
- No, just kissing it goodbye.

[CAWING]

What the hell was that?

It was the all-clear signal, silly.

You couldn't just say "all clear"?

[CAWING]
All clear. All clear.

- Much better. When can I see you again?
- I don't know. I'll call you.

- How about tonight?
- We'll see. Now go.

- I love you.
- Because you can't have me.

No. This is real.
How can I prove it to you?

Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear
for the woman he loved.

Think about it.

Would you settle for my brother's ear?

Bye.

Forgot your bells.

I almost forgot.
I need a hundred bucks.

- What for?
- SAT prep class.

Oh. Oh, sure. Glad to see
you're taking the test seriously.

If I don't do well,
then I can't get into a good college.

If I can't get into college,
I'll never get into grad school.

If I never get into grad school, what
kind of future can I look forward to?

What's the money really for?

Video games and online porn.

- You were gonna me give the money?
- I had a good week.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Oh, hey, guys.
- Hey, Herb.

Hey.

So how's it going?

Oh, you know. Living the dream.

JUDITH: Damn it, Herb,
how many times have I told you...

not to use the guest towels?

Hey, if I'm gonna sleep in the guest
room, I get to use the guest towels!

Yeah, I remember that dream.

- So how are things with you?
- Ah, could not be better.

Is that like me living the dream?

Oh, no, no, really. I'm, uh, working on
a pretty exciting business opportunity.

- Oh, no kidding.
- Yeah, it's, uh...

Well, actually, it's something
you might... No, you know, never mind.

So how's the pediatrician game?

Like taking money from babies.

Come on, tell me.
What business opportunity?

Well, it's an investment thing, but, uh,
Judith would never let you get into it.

And the fact that my mother and Charlie
are already in would just freak her out.

Your mother and brother invested?

They didn't do that out of love.

- No, they're not fond of you at all.
- Mm.

Well, anyway, it's good seeing you.

Alan, wait.
How much are we talking about?

Well, uh, my mother and Charlie
are each in for...

15,000.

I can do that.
Hang on, I'll get my checkbook.

Oh, and don't tell Judith.

The years I wasted
actually working for a living.

Schmuck.

- Hey, Mr. Harper.
- Hey, Gordon. How you been?

I'm almost 40 years old
and I'm delivering you a pizza.

Kind of says it all, doesn't it?

Pretty much.

That'll be 23.75.

Oh, let me get my wallet. Come on in.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hang on a sec.

Hello? Oh, hey, baby.

I thought you said Manny was at work.
I thought this was our time together.

All right, fine.
Just call me when you can.

Damn.

Everything okay, Mr. Harper?

My date just cancelled.

Can't the service
send over another girl?

Not a girl like this one. This is the girl
I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

Probably regretting getting
the large then, huh? Heh.

- Wanna join me?
- Do I have to give back the tip?

- No, come on in.
- Okay.

So who's the woman?

- Remember Rose?
- My Rose?

- Your Rose?
- Yeah, we dated for a while.

No offense, Gordon, but I think she was
going out with you to make me jealous.

That's the only reason
she went out with anybody.

I don't know. There was
something special between us.

She was always getting me
love gifts: Cargo shorts...

bowling shirt,
20-year-old Scotch...

Yeah, I remember Rose.

So you guys are going out?

I wouldn't exactly call it going out.
She's kind of married.

Wow. Rose got married.

Yep.
To some clown named Manny Quinn.

Is he really a clown?

I have to ask because it's Rose.

No, no. He's in the fashion industry
or something.

Wow. So Rose is married
and cheating on her husband with you.

- Yep.
- God, I love your life.

Well, thanks,
but it's really not as fun as it looks.

- Really?
- I'm kidding.

Cheers.

To me.

Hey, Rose. It's Charlie again.
I don't know if you got my text.

Wanted to tell you I was thinking
about you, I can't wait to see you.

You know, when you can.

Love you. Really. I do.

- Hey, Charlie?
- Yeah?

When did you become a bitch?

What?
I was just leaving her a message.

The girl is married. Leave her alone.

I can't. I love her. I need her.

Bitch.

Oh, hey.

Been shopping?

- Little bit.
- A little bit?

Well, you know, uh,
a few pairs of socks, a new belt.

Couple of Dolce & Gabbana suits,
Gucci loafers and a Rolex.

Wow. Business must be picking up.

Uh, it is.

But not enough
to pay back your investor.

Oh. Oh, no. L...
I fully intend to pay you back.

In fact...

here...

is your initial investment, $5000.

And here is an additional $1000
in interest.

Berta? Are you seeing this?

Am I dreaming?

You got the Kardashian sisters
under the table?

- Nope.
- Then you're not dreaming.

Thank you for your confidence in me.

Hey, it's still confidence
if I'm figuring you'll fail.

I told you advertising would
drive in customers, and I was right.

- Hang on a sec.
- What?

Do you think more advertising
would drive in more customers?

I don't see why not.

Of course, the ads
would have to reach a larger audience...

and that would cost, you know,
more money.

Tell you what. Let it ride.

Really?

Hey, a 20 percent return
in a couple of weeks, come on.

In fact, here is another 4.

Hold on, I think I have more upstairs.

Oh, look in the back
of your underwear drawer.

I needed underwear.

You borrowed your brother's skivvies?
That's disgusting.

I agree. That's why when I found the
money, I took $100 to buy new ones.

So listen, can anybody get in
on this deal of yours?

Excuse me?

I'm always looking
for smart investments.

And I've got some extra cash...

that's a result of a little
hydroponic farming venture in Chino.

What are you farming?

Alfalfa. What's it to you?

I don't know, Berta, I mean...

You realize there's no guarantees.

You'd actually be doing me a favor.

My bank asks a lot of questions
about my alfalfa earnings.

All right, fine.
How much do you wanna invest?

- Ten grand?
- Great. Heh.

When can you get it to me?

As soon as I come back
from the bathroom.

Boy, I hope she means
it's behind the toilet.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

ROSE: Who is it?
- Pizza.

ROSE:
Door's open. I'll be right down.

Hello.

- Gordon?
- Rose?

- Oh, my gosh, it's been so long.
- Yeah.

How are you doing?

Just great. Got a new shirt
with my name on it. Heh.

- Lighted sign for the roof of my car.
- How nice.

- How about you? Heard you got married.
- Yes. I'm now Mrs. Manfred Quinn.

Wow, congrats.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

So that will be 23.75.

Let me just get my purse.

Mrs. Manfred Quinn.

Manny Quinn.

Manny Quinn.

Holy crap, this is great.

ALAN:
It's real, Mom.

- You understand my skepticism.
- Sure.

And this is $12,000?

Yep. The 10,000 you gave me
plus your profit.

I don't know what to say.

How about,
"I'm proud of you. Well done"?

I'm proud of you, Alan. Well done.

"I knew you had it in you. Attaboy."

Let's not push it.

Okay, well, uh, again, thank you
for helping me get my business going.

I'll see you.

Hold on.

Yes?

Since you seem to be on a roll...

what would happen
if I didn't take my investment out?

And maybe threw in another 8
to make it an even 20,000?

[LAUGHS]

Twenty thousand is a lot of money.

And as you're aware,
all investments carry risk.

Darling, if you cut me out, I'll kill you.

What can I say? You're in.

Alan has one L.

Oh.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hey, Mr. Harper.
- Hey, Gordon.

- 23.75?
- You got it.

I delivered a pizza to Rose
the other day.

Oh, yeah? Did you meet her husband?

You mean Manny?

Yeah.

I take it you haven't.

Well, no. For obvious reasons.

- What kind of guy is he?
- He's quiet.

A little stiff.

What did you say he did for a living?

He's some important figure
in the fashion industry.

Right, right.

So Manny Quinn.

An important figure
in the fashion industry.

Right.

Here's 30, keep the change.

Thanks.

Manny Quinn, Mr. Harper.

Fashion figure.

That's what I said.

Manny. Quinn. Figure.

- Uh-huh.
- Manny Quinn.

- What the hell is wrong with you?
- Nothing. Good night.

Good night.

He's got the beach house, I'm delivering
pizzas. Un-fricking-believable.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- How dare you?
- Nice to see you too.

You go behind my back and talk
my husband into giving you some loan?

- Herb told you?
- Of course. We love each other.

And we love each other so much,
she went through my checkbook.

Not to worry.

I am very pleased to announce
that your investment has paid off.

That's your original $15,000
plus 20 percent interest.

- Wow.
- You're welcome.

- Can I see?
- Alan? Wait.

Yeah?

What if we don't wanna cash out?

Whatever do you mean?

Reinvest this, and add in six months
of your child support.

That money's supposed to be
for Jake.

Oh, don't be so naive.
You want it or not?

Sure, if you insist.

Well, see you.

Bye.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I'm thinking
somebody owes somebody an apology.

I'm sorry.

Ha-ha-ha. Unbelievable.

You ask for money
and they just give it to you.

And then you take the new money...

and use it to pay back
some of the old money.

But they don't want it back.
And they give you more.

Because they're greedy.

Greedy, greedy, greedy.

Oh, God, what have I done?

MALE VOICE:
Oh, quit your whining.

Who said that?

Over here.

Hi. How you doing?

Not so good.

Feeling better?

This isn't happening.

I'm losing my mind.

Your mind is fine.

What you should be worried about
is losing your hair.

Now, do yourself a favor
and stop with the guilt.

How? I'm betraying my friends.
I'm betraying my family.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Yes... No.

L... Well... I'm not sure.

Come on. You've spent your whole life
being a doormat.

This is your chance
to get what you deserve.

What about the guilt?

The hell with the guilt.
Let's be bad guys.

- Bad guys?
- It's time for a change, don't you think?

Could we grow a mustache?

I've always wanted a mustache.

We're gonna grow balls.

Oh, good.

I've always wanted those too.

See you.

- Where you going?
- Out.

Out?

Yeah, out.

Got a problem with that?

No. Not at all.

All right then.

[English - US - SDH]