Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 14 - Lookin' for Japanese Subs - full transcript

Charlie continues to obsess over Rose--whom he thinks is married--after running into her at the store, and Jake and Eldrige begin recording their own "Jackass" rip-off.

Previously on Two and a Half Men:

Hi, Charlie.

You should know
I didn't come over to ruin your date.

Really. Why did you come?

To tell you that I'm getting married.

Today's the big day, huh?

Oh, please. There's no wedding.

Would it make a difference to you...

knowing that cute face will never
pop over that railing again?

That the one woman who's always
loved you and been there for you...

is forever out of reach?

Come on.

Where we going?

The church. I'm gonna prove to you
she's not getting married.

Look. Tell me if you see a wedding.

I see a wedding.

PRIEST: Two persons present
now come to be joined.

Rose and Manfred...

She's really doing it.

Let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.

And we're clear.

Yep. That ought to do it.
Thanks, Freddy.

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo...

catch a tiger...

Oh, who am I kidding?
I love you all.

Let's see, what else do we need?

Oh, right, ice. Water in a useful form.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Everybody all right?

- Charlie?
- Rose?

What a nice surprise.

- How are you?
- Oh, good, good, good. You look great.

Thank you.
Married life agrees with me.

That's right. Congratulations.
So where you living now?

Manny and I moved into
my beach house.

Oh! So we'll be neighbors again.

I'll have to come by and meet him.

I don't think that's a good idea.

The old boyfriend meeting
the new husband. It's a little awkward.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I've never
been that popular with husbands.

Or fathers, or boyfriends, sons,
surly lesbian roommates.

- So anyway, you're happy?
- More than I ever dreamed possible.

You know what he said to me
the other day?

Without me at his side,
he might as well not exist.

Wow. That's a little gay, but all right.

What about you?
Is there anyone special in your life?

No, not really. I mean, there's gals
with special skills, but I gotta pay extra.

You should find someone
who loves you the way Manny loves me.

The love is the same.
It's just at an hourly rate.

Don't grow old alone, Charlie.


- Bye.
- Bye.

What is it with women?

They go off and get married and all of
a sudden seem a lot more beautiful.

No matter, McTavish.

We can grow old together.

After all, you're only 20.

But I doubt you're gonna see 21.

- Is it on?
- I think so.

All right, let's do this.

Hi, I'm Jake Harper,
and this is The Human Volcano.

We begin by drinking a warm can of
Diet Coke.

That's not Coke, dude.

Yeah, my dad did the shopping.

Anyway, a warm diet cola product.


And now, I will swallow a Mentos.


Now I'll lay on the floor.

- Goggles.
- Right. Safety first.

- You feel anything yet?
- Oh, yeah. It's working.

If it starts coming out the back door,
pull your pants down and roll over.

Good thinking.

ALAN: Hey, what's going on?
- Not a good time, Dad.

What are you doing on the floor?



What the hell are you doing?

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Are you all right?

Yeah, we were making a video of...
Hold on.


- Cool stunts.

Cool stunts? In God's name, why?

- You've heard of Jackass?
- Yeah?

We are Dumbass.


How ever did you come up
with that name?

Well, we were thinking,
what's better than Jackass?

It's kind of a rhetorical question.

No, it wasn't that hard.

It came down to a choice between
Dumbass and The Asskateers.

I think you made the right call.

- Really?
- Oh, yes. I applaud your decision.

The plan is we shoot cool stunts,
post them online and sell advertising.

Who on earth would advertise on that?

Well, right off the bat,
we figure Coke and Mentos.

It's a product placement bonanza.

Come on, let's go upload
our premiere episode.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What about this mess?


Damn it.

I'm gonna be taking care of that kid
till I'm 90.

Please, God,
don't make me live that long.

You'll never guess who I ran into
at the supermarket. Rose.

Oh. She's back from her honeymoon?

And living down the beach
with her new husband.

- Good for her.
- Yeah. Good for her.

You have to forget about her, Charlie.

I know. That's why I got me
some milk of amnesia.


What you doing down there?

Wiping up cola vomit
my son spewed in my face.

Oh, great.
The Human Volcano worked.

- You knew about this?
- It was my idea.

- You're kidding.
- Yeah.

It'll make a great first episode
of The Asskateers.

Actually, I think they went
with Dumbass.

Oh, damn, I already had
a bunch of T-shirts made up.

What can I say?

You gotta like that your son's
got entrepreneurial spirit.

Thanks for showing me
the bright side.

No problem. Memory wipe?

I think I will.

Looking for Japanese subs, captain?

What? No, I'm just trying out
these new binoculars.

You're spying on Rose, aren't you?

It's not spying, it's...
Shut up and leave me alone.

You said you were gonna forget her.

And you said you were gonna move out
after a few days.

Don't change the subject.

I'm just trying to get a glimpse
of her husband.

Oh! That's really sad.

Sadder than throwing your back out
trying to pleasure yourself?

I was doing yoga.

Then why were you wearing lipstick?

And again, don't change the subject.

I am simply curious to see
what kind of guy Rose would marry.

If that's the case,
why don't you go over there...

knock on the door
and shake the man's hand?

What would I tell him? "I'm Charlie,
your wife used to stalk me"?

I might leave that part out.

I'm sure he already knows about you.

- How would he know about me?
- Well, it's possible she told him.

Uh, or perhaps he noticed the tattoo
of your face on her left butt cheek.

I kind of wish she hadn't done that.

After she takes a hot bath, I start
looking like Edward James Olmos.

Just go over, introduce yourself
and welcome him to the neighborhood.

I guess you're right. Bring over wine,
a little housewarming gift.

Now you're talking.




- Oh, God! Are you all right?
JAKE: Mostly.

Did you remember to get it on video?

Aw, crap.


Charlie, what are you doing here?

I thought I'd welcome you guys
to the neighborhood.

This is a bad idea. Please go.

I thought we could
get to know each other.

Listen to me, Charlie.

I love my husband.
I'm building a new life with him...

and I won't let you ruin it.
- How could I ruin it?

He doesn't know you exist,
and I plan on keeping it that way.

What about the tattoo?

I added glasses to it
and told him it was Harry Potter.

Now, please get out of here.

Okay. Fine. I'm sorry.

Just so I'm clear, you and I, we're...

Over. Finished.

Okay. I get it.

Told you he'd stop by.

Do you realize how lucky you are?
You could have broken your necks.

We took precautions.

You flew off the roof!

In a shopping cart!

What precautions?

We were planning to land
in the ocean.

You missed it by a hundred yards.

It's not an exact science, Dad.

Okay. Let's not dicker over the details.


He said dicker.

- I know.
- Okay, okay. I am serious, okay?

This Dumbass thing stops right now.

You're the one who told me
I should follow my dreams.

I meant dreams like doctor or lawyer,
not crash test dummy.

Doctor Jacob Harper.
I like the sound of that.

Hey, doc, what's this on my nut sack?
Is it infected?

Yes, it seems we'll have to perform
a nut sack-ectomy.

Will you two quit...

with the cockamamie babble...

and focus on
what I am trying to tell you?

He said cockamamie.

He said focus.


Oh, what's to become of my son?

Don't worry, Alan.
There'll always be carnivals.

I suppose.

So how'd it go with
Mr. And Mrs. Manfred Quinn?

I never met him.
Rose told me to get lost.

Wow. That's gotta sting a bit.

Yeah, but I understand. She's happy now
and doesn't want me screwing it up.

You still love her, don't you?

I guess I do.

Funny how these things turn out,
isn't it?

I mean, eight, nine years ago,
she was just a crazy one night stand...

who ended up stalking you...

and all you wanted to do
was get rid of her.

But the years go by...

and stalking turns to friendship...

friendship turns to love.

But it's too late.

She marries another man,
and she's lost to you forever.

Boy, that would make
a great movie, wouldn't it?

Yeah, great.

Wanna write it with me?

What? No.

Well, don't go stealing it.

I mean, you know, it's your life,
but it's my idea.

Oh! How's this for a title:

Look Who's Stalking?

Meet the Stalkers.


- Are you done?
- Yeah.

Although I do think it has
real franchise opportunities.

Could be a sitcom.

Maybe not on a major network.

But, you know, TBS, TNT.

I Love Loony.

Where you going?
I was just spitballing here.

I said spitballing.

Oh, God, I wanna die.


That has gotta be the worst-looking
toupee I've ever seen.

What the hell are you doing here?

You scared the hell out of me.

Are you crazy? Climbing up on my deck,
snooping around like this?

I need to talk to you.

Well, I can't talk to you.
Manny is right inside.

- I love you.
- It's a little late for that.

Sorry. I realize now, Rose,
I can't live without you.

It doesn't matter what you realize.
I'm married.

Oh, please, Rose.

Charlie, why are you doing this to me?
It's so unfair.

I'm begging you. Just talk to me.


All right. Manny has to go back
into the office to do some work.

- Come back in an hour.
- Thank you.

- Just to talk.
- Of course.

And can you bring me some
Butter Brickle ice cream?

- What?
- And marshmallow fluff and sprinkles.

- Whatever you need.
- Chocolate sprinkles.

- Not the multicolored kind.
- Fine.

I don't know
why they even make those.

- Okay. I'll see you later.
- Okay.


Son of a bitch. How do you do that?

Don't lock your knees.

Good news, Manny.
We're getting ice cream.

Ready for some more beans?

Bring it on.

So I'm thinking we call this stunt
Fart Rocket.

No, I think we need to go
with something more intellectual.

How about
The Dumbass Assblaster?

No, you can't use two asses in a row,
it's redumbnant.


What's going on?

I'm just making Eldridge
something to eat.


Yes, I was peckerish.

You mean peckish.

Fine, if you wanna dicker.

Good one, dude.

- Hey.
- What's in the bag?

Butter Brickle ice cream...

with marshmallow fluff
and chocolate sprinkles.

Oh, Charlie, no.

- What?
- [AS CHARLIE] "What?"

Only one person puts...

chocolate sprinkles and marshmallow
fluff on Butter Brickle.

Congratulations, Sherlock.
You cracked the case.

- She is a married woman, Charlie.
- I can't help it. I love her.

You didn't start loving her until
you found out you couldn't have her.

So? That doesn't make it not love.

But what if her husband catches you?

Then he shoots me,
and you can have my house.

Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting.

Ow! Son of a bitch!


Dude, don't waste it. Squeeze it in.

Not as easy as it looks, is it?


- Is your husband gone?
- He just left. We're alone.

- Oh, great.
- Wait. We agreed, just talking.

Yeah. Right, right, right.
Just talking. Let's talk.

You know what Manny said to me
before he left?

Um, "It's okay to have
an affair with Charlie...

because he's a swell guy
and I'm secretly gay"?

No. He said in the whole world,
I'm the only one who can move him.

Like I said, gay.

How can I betray a man like that?

I can think of several ways.

You on top, you on bottom,
everybody facing the TV.


Who moves you, Rose? Him or me?

I don't know, I'm confused.
I love Manny.

You and I are soul mates.
Like Romeo and Juliet.

Really? Did Romeo ever
chew through the ropes...

holding him to a radiator
in a motel...

when Juliet was just trying to give him
a birthday surprise?

Birthday surprise?
You were gonna brand me.

Branding is the new piercing, Charlie.

Fine. Pierce me. Brand me.
Do anything you want.

- Anything?
- It's just an expression.

- Gimme another chance, Rose.
- No. It's wrong.

Fine. You just say the word
and I'll go.

Time's up.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- You know what this means don't you?
- I think so.

You're going to have to kill Manny.

- What?
- Kidding.

Just wanted to see how far you'd go.

- Can I tell you something, Rose?
- Anything.

I've never felt happier and more at peace
than I do at this very moment.

Who's being a little gay now?


It's a text from Manny.
He's on his way home. You have to go.

When can I see you again?

- You can't. This was a mistake.
- How can you say that?

Charlie, I love my husband.

Forget Manny. Run away with me.

- You don't mean that.
- I do.

Come on, Charlie.

If you had me,
you'd be tired of me within a year.

Then you can go back to Manny.
Everybody wins.


I love you.

Oh, aren't you the naughty boy
who likes to watch.

ELDRIDGE: Hurry up. I'm about to blow.
- Hang on.

Hi, I'm Jake Harper.

You're about to witness
a little something we like to call...

Fumes of Fury.

Let's do this thing.

Remember, if for some reason
you don't reach the ocean...

just tuck and roll.
- Okay. Hurry up.

All right. Let her rip.



Can't believe nothing happened.

I wouldn't say that.
I think I crapped my pants.

[English - US - SDH]