Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 8, Episode 13 - Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup - full transcript

[MUMBLING]

No, Charlie. It's mine.

- What?
- Give it back.

Ow. Mom, Charlie hit me.

Oh, okay.

Consuela, Charlie hit me.

Ow. Mom, Consuela hit me.

Oh, God, here we go again.

ALAN:
I'll run away and then you'll be sorry.

Ow. Mom, Charlie's
making me hit myself.

[LYNDSEY SIGHS]



Hey, what are you doing up?

Your brother's
talking in his sleep again.

No kidding. What about?

Some childhood dream
about you making him hit himself.

What childhood? That was last week.

SportsCenter?

Yeah, I'm making my picks
for tomorrow's games.

Really, Charlie?
Taking the points against Georgetown?

No?

If you wanna throw your money away,
just get married without a prenup.

You know something I don't?

So far this year...

Georgetown's covered the spread
eight times out of ten.

- Wow. You bet college basketball?
- Only idiots bet college basketball.



- No offense.
- How do you know this stuff?

I worked for a sports book in Vegas.
I opened my business...

in the back of a candle shop
in Sherman Oaks.

I wondered how those
stayed in business.

Yeah, so did the IRS.

So they nailed you for running a book?

No, a candle store that made
a quarter of a million dollars a year.

Without selling one freaking candle.

Okay, so no on Georgetown.

Does Alan know about this?

He knows about the candle store.
Let's keep the other part between us.

Yeah, he's kind of prissy
about moral stuff like gambling.

- Yeah, he is.
- And drinking.

That's only because when he drinks,
he gets all weepy, then he pukes.

- And whoring.
- He doesn't have a problem with that.

He's just cheap and he likes to cuddle.

Well, don't worry, your sordid
gambling past will be our secret.

- I'm glad to know I can trust you.
- Of course, you can.

Hey, I never told him
about your little soft-core film career.

Oh, God.
You saw Cinnamon's Buns?

Not all the way through.

Though I am very familiar...

with the bakery-shop scene
in the middle.

You know, with the frosting gun.

I was 19. I needed the money.
They promised me it would be tasteful.

It looked very tasteful.

And delicious.

Yum, yum.

Glad to hear you enjoyed it.

Yeah. I don't think
you were well-served by the screenplay.

Screenplay? There was just
a greasy guy behind the camera:

"Do this, do that, more frosting."

[CHUCKLING]

It's kind of weird.

You and I have more in common
than you and my brother.

All right, let's take something
off the table right away.

- What's that?
- My ass.

- That's not what I was getting at.
- Charlie...

in spite of my past, I'm just
a nice little Valley soccer mom now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Soccer mom?
Your kid's a babbling pothead.

He played soccer when he was ten.
He scored two goals.

- In one game?
- In one season. Shut up.

The point is
I am way past guys like you.

[SCOFFS]

What do you mean, "guys like me"?

Guys I'd have to dip in ammonia
before I'd let them anywhere near me.

Oh, those guys.

Long as we're being honest, I am happy
with the way things are between us.

Besides, you're really good for Alan.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah, no.

You're smart, you're strong,
you're self-sufficient...

and he's, well, not.

You underestimate your brother.

It's not an estimate.
I already got the bill.

You'll see. One of these days,
he's gonna surprise you.

One of these days,
I'm gonna die of liver failure.

Wanna lay odds which happens first?

[LAUGHS]

- Good night, Charlie.
- Good night.

Ammonia?

- Am I that skeevy?
LYNDSEY: Yes.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

- Lyndsey leave yet?
- No. Why?

No reason. Just trying to keep track
of who's in my house.

Don't worry, she's leaving very soon.

I'm not worried.
Actually, I like having her around.

You, not so much.

Thank you.
That never ceases to be funny.

Ah! Cinnamon buns.

- How did you know?
- I bought them.

Oh, right. Cinnamon buns.
Who doesn't love cinnamon buns?

Ugh! Charlie.

What, what?
Alan bought cinnamon buns.

With frosting.

Oh!

Yum.

All right, honey, I'll see you later.

- I'll call you after work.
- See you.

Hey, Lynds,
has your son picked a college yet?

Uh, no. Why?

Well, I was just wondering...

if he were to choose between, say...

North Carolina and Kentucky...

which would you encourage him
to pick?

As an out-of-state resident...

Kentucky is two and a half times
more expensive.

I'd still go with Kentucky.
It's a better school.

Interesting. Well, I hope he gets in.

- Thanks. Bye.
- Bye.

- What was that all about?
- Hmm?

Since when do you care
about her kid's education?

Young people are our future, Alan.
I care about them all.

The only young people
you care about...

are sliding down a pole
to grab dollar bills out of your mouth.

Those aren't dollar bills.
Those are twenties.

- When did you become a cynic?
- When did you...

become so interested in the comings
and goings of my girlfriend? Or her kid?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chill.
- I will not chill.

And what was all that about
liking having her around?

- Nothing. I like having her around.
- Yeah, but around what?

- Excuse me?
- I think when you say "around"...

you mean "under."

- Don't go down that road.
- Why shouldn't I go down that road?

Is it slippery when wet?

Are you out of your mind?
What's gotten into you?

I think a better question
would be, what's gotten into you?

I mean, who have you gotten into?

Alan, Alan, listen to me very carefully.

I have not had sex with your girlfriend.

- Still in the planning stages.
- No.

- But you want her.
- No.

- Why not? What's wrong with her?
- Nothing. She's terrific.

So you do want her.

When it comes to Lyndsey...

you have
absolutely nothing to worry about.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's what
you said about Wendy Freidman...

and Kathy Bell
and Amy Driskell.

- Who?
- They're all girls you stole from me.

What? I never stole anybody from you.

Ha, ha. Wendy Freidman, sixth grade,
Halloween party.

I went to get her punch, when I came
back, you were bobbing for her apples.

- Innocent fun.
- Ha! Kathy Bell, ninth grade.

I brought her home.
I went to the bathroom.

When I come back,
you were teaching her French.

Harmless horseplay.

Amy Driskell, sophomore year.

First girl
who let me get to second base.

All right, her I nailed.

Wait, wait. Wait. You nailed her?

Everybody nailed her.
That was her thing.

It took me six months
just to touch her right boob.

- You missed the signals, didn't you?
- What signals?

In my case,
taking off her sweater and saying:

"Quick, do me before Alan gets back
from his trumpet lesson."

Clarinet.
I didn't have the lip for trumpet.

Apparently, you didn't have
the lip for Amy either.

But all that was a long time ago.
You're with Lyndsey now.

What's important is that I wish you both
a long and happy life together.

- Really?
- From the bottom of my heart.

- Okay. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Though, I'd still like you to move out.

Got it.

- Soon.
- Right.

No, I guess that's about it.

Amy Driskell.

"No, Alan,
I'm saving myself for Jesus."

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come on in.

Hey.

- Wow! The place looks great.
- Doesn't it?

Even better than before I accidentally
almost burned it to the ground.

Yeah.

You're welcome.

Come here.
I wanna give you something.

Oh, heh.
Fooling around? On the new couch?

Get your mind out of the gutter.
I haven't Scotchgarded yet.

Here.

- A house key?
- Uh-huh.

For this house?

Maybe we're not ready
to move in together...

I want you to feel like you can come
and go without checking in with me.

Wow. Thank you.

In a lot of ways,
this isn't just the key to your house...

it's the key to your heart.

Don't gay it up.

Listen, I'm thinking of having
a housewarming party next Saturday.

- Great. What can I do?
- You can help me with the guest list.

What would you say
about inviting Judith and Herb?

- My ex?
- They live across the street...

Herb is always so sweet to me.

Every time Herb looks at you
he's pretending you're wet and naked.

All right, fine, I won't invite them.
Probably just upset Judith anyway.

Yeah, you're right.

You know what? Let's invite them.

- Take the high road.
- All right.

- What about Berta?
- Oh, no, I don't think so.

- Why not?
- She's kind of mean to me.

Honey, that's just
because she doesn't like you.

Fine. Berta.

- And Jake.
- Oh, of course. Great.

- And Charlie.
- There it is.

- There what is?
- Charlie.

Why do you want Charlie
to come to your party?

Why? When this place burned,
he took us in.

He took me in seven years ago,
I don't feel the need to invite him.

Oh, come on, he's a great guy.
I really like him.

- Of course. All the women like Charlie.
- All the women?

Wendy Freidman, Kathy Bell,
Amy Driskell.

- Who?
- And now Lyndsey MacElroy.

Oh, please.
Charlie and I are just friends.

No, no. My brother does not
befriend women, he befouls them.

Are you saying you don't trust me?

No. I don't trust Charlie.
For him, you're unexplored territory.

At some point,
he's gonna try and plant his flag in you.

And when I say "flag," I mean his:

Flag.

Okay. You're out of your mind.

I do not want you
hanging out with my brother.

You can be courteous to him.
Like, "Hey.

You've got some vomit on your shoe."

Or "Hey, Charlie,
do you need me to move my car...

so your hooker
can park her pink Camaro?"

Do you realize how insulting this is?

You don't get to tell me
who I can be friends with.

It's just Charlie.
I gave you Herb and Berta.

- You know what, I made a mistake.
- Well, I forgive you.

- Give me my key back.
- What?

- Give it to me.
- How can I come and go?

You could forget coming.
You're just gonna be going.

We were doing so good.

We were.
Then you started talking and spoiled it.

Wait. Okay, okay. Just to clarify.

You're not as angry with me now as you
were when I burned down your house.

Okay, we'll talk
after you've gained some perspective.

Jake, Berta, let's go.
Party train's leaving.

That what you're wearing?

- I'm not going.
- Well, why not?

- She and I had a little argument.
- That's too bad. Jake, Berta, let's go.

Charlie, if you do
what I think you're gonna do...

I swear to God,
I will never speak to you again.

Really?

Then by all means, tell me exactly
what you think I'm gonna do.

You know what I'm talking about.

All right, I'm gonna
run this down for you one last time.

I have no interest in Lyndsey...

and she has even less interest in me.
- I don't believe you.

You're right.
I'm going to your girlfriend's house.

- I'm gonna do her on the couch.
- No, you won't.

- Why not?
- Couch isn't Scotchgarded yet.

You remember
to get the housewarming gift?

Jake's got it. Jake.

- Very funny.
- We thought so. Ha.

- How come you're not dressed?
- He and Lyndsey had a fight.

Oh. That sucks. See you.

- So you're just gonna sit here all night?
- Oh, I'll be fine.

Oh, I'm sure you will,
but if you get bored...

there's a load of laundry in the dryer
you could fluff and fold.

- So you want me to do your job?
- Somebody has to.

Well, I guess
there's nothing left to say except...

you're an idiot.

I may be an idiot, but at least
I'm home by myself reading Moby Dick.

Upside-down.

[DRYER BUZZES]

Might as well.

Maybe she'll like me better.

Where's Eldridge?
He lives here, right?

- Yeah. He's hiding in his room.
- How come?

He gets really paranoid
when he's "highding" in his room.

I just came to get him these snacks.
Bye.

Amateurs.

- Nice party.
- Thanks.

So give me the lay of the land.

You mean
who in this land can you lay?

If you will.

All right. Hot redhead by the bar.
That's Wanda.

Recently came out
of a terrible marriage.

Nice, nice.

What else you got?

Pretty blond on the couch.
That's Terry.

She divorced her husband
to be a lesbian.

How's that working out for Terry?

See the dirty look
she's giving Wanda?

Oh. I think I see an opening.

And by that you mean?

I wasn't being subtle.
I see an opening.

[LAUGHING]

I knew it.

Anything good in my life,
you have to take it away.

"Oh, Charlie,
you're so funny and so clever."

"Why don't I lean...

so you can look down my dress
and see my boobies?"

[AS CHARLIE]
"Why, thank you. I believe I will."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
"So do you wanna have sex now...

or wait until after the party?"

[AS CHARLIE] "You don't mind
I'm carrying most, if not all...

communicable diseases
known to man?"

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
"No. That's part of your charm."

"Come, take me on the couch."

[AS CHARLIE]
"Are you sure? It's not Scotchgarded."

"No matter.
We'll Scotchgard it with our love."

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Hello, Mr. Skunk.

Don't be alarmed. I was just leaving.

There's certainly no reason
to feel threatened.

Good skunk. Nice skunk.

[GAGGING]

Bad skunk.

Ahh! Oh, God, Oh, God.

[GAGGING]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

HERB:
Who's out there?

- Alan?
- Oh. Hey, Herb.

Oh! Oh, wow!

Hope you don't mind.
I got skunked.

You sure did.

How come
you're not at Lyndsey's party?

I wanted to, but Judith came down
with a sudden migraine.

And by "migraine,"
I mean "bitch fit."

- Got it.
- How about you?

Lyndsey and I had
kind of a falling out.

Because you showed up
smelling like a skunk?

- No, no. It's a long story.
- I got time.

I think she's fooling around
with Charlie behind my back.

Charlie? That lucky duck.

- What?
- I said, that son of a bitch.

Story of my life.

Wendy Freidman, Kathy Bell,
Amy Driskell.

Amy Driskell? I lost my virginity
to Amy Driskell.

- You're kidding.
- Never even had to ask.

[GROANING]

Our first date.

Never got out of the driveway.

We weren't even in a car.

You know what's good for getting rid
of skunk smell? Tomato juice.

- Great. You got any?
- No.

- We might have some V8.
- Think that'll work?

Well, it sure doesn't
taste like tomato juice...

but you couldn't possibly
smell any worse. Hang on.

What else could go wrong?

Of course.

I'm standing in dog crap.

I can't tell you how happy it makes me
to bring two friends back together.

- Any better?
- Not really.

Well, that's all the V8.

- Wanna try some ketchup?
- Why not?

I found this in one of my son's shoes.

Oh, yeah.
I can get you better than this.

That's what I was hoping.

Lyndsey.

Alan? What the hell are you...?

- Whoa!
- Where is he?

Where is who? What is that smell?

Skunk, dog crap and ketchup.

And don't try to change the subject.
Where's my brother?

He left about 20 minutes ago
with two women.

- Really?
- Really.

So you and he aren't?

That's what I've been telling you,
you smelly fool.

Wow.

Guess we had nothing to fight about.
Ha, ha.

Hug?

I'll call you.

You don't scare me.

You already shot your load.

Although I suppose
you could be a different skunk.

So all I'm saying is,
given my history...

Alan's paranoia
is not uncalled for.

No, no, this wasn't paranoia.
This was insanity.

- I know, I know...
- The man was covered in ketchup.

To be fair, there was a time in your life
when you were covered in frosting.

It's not the same thing.
I was putting myself through college.

Look, all I know
is that Alan really loves you.

If you repeat this, I will deny it.

My brother is the most
decent human being I know.

Can't you just give him
one more chance?

- Well, I suppose...
- I knew it.

You bastard. You slut.

So, what do you say?

[English - US - SDH]