Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 21 - Gumby with a Pokey - full transcript

Bill, did you notice
that girl coming down the slope?

You might wanna eat
so that when you throw up...

...it won't just be alcohol
and stomach juice.

Way ahead of you.
I call it an Egg McBourbon.

So this is your life now?

You just sit here miserable and alone,
waiting for Chelsea to call.

I'm not waiting for her to call.
I'm watching TV.

And, occasionally, I cry.

You do realize you're watching
The Weather Channel?

- Happy?
- Oh, yeah, The Pet Channel.

Who doesn't enjoy seeing a dog
get his anal glands expressed?



Chelsea?

- Your ex-wife.
- Oh.

Speaking of having
one's anal glands expressed.

Hi, Judith, what's up?

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. That's terrible.

Her grandfather died.
He was 94. It's no big deal.

Well, he's in a better place now.

He has to be. He lived in Sacramento.

I'm sorry, what's that?

You're kidding.

Oh. Oh, I always loved that clock.

He left me his grandfather clock.

Very old, worth a fortune.
I can sell it and buy a new car.

Oh, Judith, that's just tragic.



So, uh, when are they gonna
deliver the clock?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I guess your grandmother does
have more important things to box up.

Like your grandfather.

You're right, not funny.
She never got my sense of humor.

Uh, well, I guess I'll just drive up
to Sacramento and pick it up.

Uh, well,
once again, my deepest sympathies.

Okay.

Score.

Help me out here.

Why would Judith's grandfather
leave you a valuable antique?

He liked me. I was the only one
who would sit for hours...

...listening to his stories about Korea.

- He fought in Korea?
- No, he was a sex tourist.

Very creepy.

You know,
I always admired that clock.

I remember the first time I saw it, I said,
"Bill, that is a hell of a clock."

Uh, and he was hard of hearing,
so that led to the Korea stories.

Oh, hey, you wanna drive up
and get it with me?

Let's see, do I wanna drive six hours
to Sacramento...

...to pick up a dead guy's clock?

With me.

Don't take this the wrong way...

...but I would rather
get a maple-syrup enema...

...and then sit on an anthill.

You didn't just make that up.

No, I've actually compiled a list
of things I'd rather do...

...than spend long periods of time
with you in an enclosed space.

- You wanna hear some more?
- No.

You sure? I got a beauty that involves
hemorrhoids, a bottlebrush and sea salt.

- No, I get it. I'll just take Jake.
- Wait, wait, wait.

So both you and Jake
are gonna be going?

- Yes.
- Score.

Here's ordinary cat litter
after five days of continuous use...

... by a relatively healthy cat.

Yuck! Looks bad, smells worse.

Now here's Magic Pussy Litter
with its patented Cluster Busters.

Oh, that is really cool.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What you watching?
- An amazing breakthrough...

...in cat-crap technology.

Dad says you're vegging in front
of the TV because you still miss Chelsea.

- Well, he's right, for a change.
- You know, I kind of do too.

Remember how she would lean over
to pour cereal for breakfast...

...and you could see
right down her robe?

Too soon?

What are you doing up so late?

I was hungry.
Wanna join me for a grilled cheese?

- No.
- Pigs in a blanket?

I'm all right.

- Two ice-cream sandwiches on a waffle?
- I'll pass.

It's no trouble.
I'm making them anyway.

I'm fine.

You know, I really am sorry
about you and Chelsea.

Well, thanks, buddy.

Her boobs are real, right?

- Yep.
- Outstanding.

- When can I drive?
- When I get tired.

Relax, take in the scenery.

Okay, now what?

I don't know, um...

- We enjoy each other's company.
- All right.

Okay, now what?

This is a golden opportunity
to get to know each other...

...as more than just father and son.

What else are we?

We're two men on the open road,
free and unencumbered.

Oh. What's unencumbered?

Uh, no restraints.
We can do whatever we want. Ha, ha.

Okay.

I wanna drive.

Later. Pick something else.

- Ha-ha-ha.
- Oh! Oh.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

Oh, well, very funny.

So you wanna go toot for toot?
Well, check this out.

- Wow. Ha, ha.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

That is a bran muffin
and a half a grapefruit, my friend.

This is a grilled-cheese sandwich,
pigs in a blanket...

...and a waffle ice-cream sandwich.

- Ha, ha.
- Oh. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Well, this is an antidepressant
and a mochaccino.

Uh-oh.

Keep an eye out for a gas station.

Twenty-eight, 29, 30.

Oh, hell, she ain't gonna miss one.

- Hey, Russell.
- Oh, hey, Charlie.

You want a muscle relaxer?

You take one with Viagra...

...and you're essentially Gumby
with a Pokey.

No, thanks.

I actually have a prescription
from a doctor.

Whoa, look at you,
following the letter and spirit of the law.

Sleeping pills. Those can be fun.

You know, with a couple Red Bulls
so you don't fall asleep.

The party is over, Russell.
I need to get some sleep.

Ah. Well, then you don't want this. No.

You want something organic,
something created by Mother Nature.

- What do you got in mind?
- Ganja.

- You trying to sell me pot?
- Ah, not just pot.

I call this Ojai Sohigh. Heh.

Two hits and a couple chicken burritos
and it's "Good night, Irene."

- Don't you need a prescription for that?
- What are you, a cop?

Okay, okay,
but you're just driving the price up.

- Hello?
- Dr. Gollygupta, Russell here.

Oh, hello, Russell.
How are they hanging?

Twice the length of my penis,
thanks for asking.

- My friend here needs a prescription.
- All right, uh, let me see him.

Oh, okay.

Charlie, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Gollygupta...

...of the Gollygupta Hypertension
and Glaucoma Clinic in Sri Lanka.

Please to turn your head and cough.

Just turn like that. Yeah, and:

- There you go.
- Oh, that's no good.

I'll send you prescription.

Excuse me.

Hello, Direc TV Customer Service...

... Roger speaking.

Here it is.

Ah-ha! Great news, Charlie.

You've got glaucoma.

You know, for gas-station sweatpants,
these aren't bad.

I beg to differ.

May I say that you have become
a very good driver?

"Grand Theft Auto," Dad.

It's like driver's ed,
but with pimps and ho's.

Well, whatever.

So, uh, have you
given any more thought...

...to what you wanna do
after high school?

If this is the college talk,
we need to both be realistic.

Hey, I know a big university is probably
out of reach for the time being...

...but there's still junior colleges,
community colleges, trade schools.

Man, I'd like to trade schools right now
because this one's kicking my ass.

Come on, Jake,
you know what I'm talking about.

- You have to start making plans.
- Did you have plans...

...when you were my age?
- Yeah, I had big plans.

What happened to them?

Just drive.

- My life isn't over, you know.
- Okay.

What doesn't kill us
makes us stronger.

Well, then you must be, like, the Hulk.

Let me tell you something.

Chapter two of your father's story
has yet to be written.

Is chapter one "I Crapped My Pants"?

Is that what I think it is?

- Yep, I got a prescription.
- God, I love California.

Just walk into a store
and buy your weed.

No more schlepping out to Reseda
and trading a piece of tail...

...for a short bag of stems and seeds.

You're welcome to join me here.

- No, no. Not while I'm working.
- All right.

Okay, I'm done working.

Man, if I'd known
you liked the wacky weed...

...I wouldn't have spent the last eight
years getting baked under the deck.

You know, when I was on break.

This is the first time
I've touched the stuff...

...since a ZZ Top concert in '92.

I got so paranoid I locked myself in
a Porta-Potty and tried to tunnel home.

Well, good news.
Pot's a lot stronger now.

What do you think?

I've rolled better joints
on the back of a motorcycle...

...while digging a bullet
out of my boyfriend's shoulder.

All right, fine. You try it.

Oh, man, I hope this helps me sleep.

I can't take another night wandering
around the house thinking about Chelsea.

Yeah, yeah. Boo-hoo.

Let's fire up this bad boy.

This is stupid.
We should've left it in the car.

Well, it's very valuable, Jake.
I don't wanna see it stolen.

Who steals clocks?

"Clock-tomaniacs."

You have your mother's
sense of humor.

Okay, let's put her down real easy.

Okay.

Okay.

Good.

We have a couple of hours of daylight.

How about you and I get to know
our state capital?

You wanna drive to San Francisco?

No, Sacramento is the capital
of California.

I don't think so.

Trust me. I got a map in the lobby...

...that shows all the places of interest
in Old Sac.

Ha, ha. Old sac. Get it?

Oh, yeah.
That was much better than my joke.

Look at us, a couple of nuts
hanging out in Sacramento.

- Do it again.
- No. No.

- Oh, come on. Please. Do it again.
- All right, all right. Last time.

Badges? We don't need
no stinking badges.

Okay, okay, I got one. I got one.

Mm.

Some folks call it a sling blade.
I call it a kaiser blade.

- Mm.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I like them french-fried taters. Mm.

Oh, good idea.

- Where you going?
- To get some of them french-fried taters.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- What?

I love you, Berta.

I love you too, Charlie.

Give me a thousand dollars.

- Why?
- Well, if you have to ask...

...you don't really love me.

Oh, oh, and pretzels.
Get some pretzels.

Pretzels?
We don't need no stinking pretzels.

Oh, man, I am so lucky to have her
in my life.

You've had a lot
of wonderful women in your life.

But you always find a way
to sabotage the relationship.

- Chelsea?
She's right, Charlie.

If there's a way it can be blown,
you'll blow it.

And not in the fun way.

- Mia?
Tell me something, Charlie.

Do you think your inability to commit
and all your macho posturing...

...is because deep down
you're afraid you're gay?

You know, I've wondered that too.
Are you just a big old 'mo?

He's not a 'mo.
He's got mommy issues.

Lots and lots of mommy issues.

Lydia.

Hey, it's Lydia.

Excuse me.

Why does everyone blame the mother?

Frankly, I think you were more on target
with that homo theory.

Okay. Okay, I don't wanna
be high anymore.

Hey. Ask me why
they should change the name...

...of the Sacramento Kings
to the Sacramento Nads.

Why?

That way everyone can chant,
"Go Nads! Go Nads!"

Another winner.

I may not be good at school or sports,
but no one beats me at ball jokes.

- I'm so proud.
- Can we watch TV?

We can watch TV anytime. Let's talk.

You sure? That hardly ever goes well.

- Come on. What's going on in your life?
- Nothing.

Oh, please, you're 16.
That's a very tumultuous time.

I mean, especially with all the sexual
issues and the drugs and the Internet.

Yeah. You gonna eat
your chicken skin?

Help yourself.

- You ask me, the skin's the best part.
- Yeah, but it's not good for you.

- Anyway, about your life...
- Hey, there's a business opportunity.

Go to those skinless-chicken restaurants,
take the skin they throw away...

...and open up a restaurant next door
named El Pollo Skin-o.

That means "the chicken skin"
in Spanish.

That's very clever.

Guess where we'll open up
our first restaurant.

Sacramento.

Charming.

Then Muncie, Indiana,
home of Ball State University.

Then Lake Titicaca.
Not a ball joke, but still funny.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Screaming into a towel.

- Oh. I'm gonna watch TV.
- Okay.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

How many times has that been said
in this bed? Ha-ha-ha.

Or in this chair.

Or all over this rug.

On the balcony, looking at the ocean.

You're not here. You're not here.
None of you are here.

Wow. So this is the bedroom.

I never got past the couch.

What are you complaining about?
I never got out of the car.

He did me in a little church in Van Nuys.
Right in the pew.

I would never let him do me
in the pew.

He dumped me
when I said "I love you."

He dumped me
when he saw my penis.

Me too.

- And he never called me again.
- Why, Charlie?

Why didn't you call?

Why, Charlie?

I was busy. I lost your number.

I was out of town.

You had a penis.

You, I don't know
what that thing was.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

This isn't happening.
This isn't happening.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Aah!

- Oh, Rose, not you too.
- Why not me too?

Look, I am really sorry
about our one-night stand.

- I know I should've called you.
- Yes, you should have.

I'll tell you what,
after I come down off this stupid pot...

...how about I call the real you
and take you on a date?

Tell you how much you mean,
how much you've always meant.

The real me would like that very much.

All I could find
was donuts and chalupas.

Hey, Rose.

Wait, you can see her?

Yeah. Why? Can't you?

What the hell's going on?

You're imagining Berta.

Are you really here?

I don't know. Am I?

Call me.

Okay, roll another fatty
and let's polish off these donuts.

Why can't I drive?

Because we are carrying a very fragile
clock that is worth a lot of money.

So when you sell it,
what are you gonna do with the cash?

Uh, I'm not sure. I might buy a new car.

I might pay your Uncle Charlie
some of what I owe him.

Uh, I might put it in your college fund.

So, what kind of car
are you gonna get?

- I got my eye on a Lexus convertible.
- Sweet.

You know what?
That means you can have this one.

No, thanks.

I wanna get one of those new Camaros.
Red with yellow racing stripes.

And then I'm gonna get
a big flaming skull painted on the hood.

Don't you think you ought to see how
the people at Domino's feel about that?

Really? You think I can get a job
at Domino's?

Hey, a man's reach should exceed
his grasp, or what's a heaven for?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

It means that as a human, we should...

Oh, no, no, no!

Now can I drive?