Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 20 - I Called Him Magoo - full transcript

Charlie ordered an Asian escort to cope with his break-up, but actually makes her act just as meanly as only Chelsea did to him. Alan wants his third date with Lyndsey to be really special but Judith dumped grounded Jake with him last-minute, so he passes the parcel to Charlie, who simply lifts the punishment. Lyndsey spends the first half of the hotel date in the bathroom and takes a sedative, then the cheap oysters Alan brought along spoil the other half and spell more physical suffering for the cheapskate.


I can't believe this is
only our second date.

I know, I feel like I've
known you all my life.

Me, too.

I'm assuming you mean
that as a good thing.


(both moan)

You're such an unexpected
surprise in my life, Alan.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, once again, I'm
assuming that's good.


It's great.

(both moaning)

Do you always wear
your socks in bed?

Oh, oh, no, it's just one of
my toenails is kind of snaggly

and I didn't want to
scratch you with it.

Oh, okay.

Had I known we were
going to make love,

I would have slapped a corn
pad on the little bugger.


(door opens)

Damn it.

Eldridge, why aren't you
with your dad?!

'Cause he's
a giant douche!

Don't talk
about your father that way!

He's actually
a colossal douche.

Um, uh, should I go?

No, no, it's fine.


Do we have anything
to eat?!

Order a pizza!

I've got company!

Is it Dave?!



He's just trying
to push my buttons.

Yeah, Jake's exactly
the same way,

always trying
to get my goat.

Now, who are Dave and Jimmy?

Shh, shh, shh.

Please don't tell me

you're doing
Jake's loser dad!

I'm a divorced mother
with a 16-year-old son!

I can't be picky!

Now, shut
your pie hole!

I hate you!
I hate you right back!

(door slams)

So... where were we?

Um... are you sure
you don't want

to spend some time
with your son?

I just did.

Fair enough.

Can you tell
I got my boobs done?

Oh, no. They, uh,
they feel very natural.

Oh, good.

That kid absolutely
ruined the first set.

Same thing happened
to my ex-wife.

By the time Jake got
through with them,

they looked like a couple of
windsocks on a quiet day.

Oh, just, uh, just FYI,

I'm all original equipment.

Aside from, you know,
a little anal bleaching.


Oh, it was an accident.

I, uh, sat on a Clorox
bottle by mistake.

Story for another day.

(music blasts from radio)

Eldridge, turn down
the freakin' music!

Yeah, well, I don't
want to hear you have sex!

Then put on
your headphones!

That's why I bought
them for you!

(music stops)

That's better.

Come here.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no, no.
Everything's great.

Are you sure, 'cause...

your toenail's the only
thing poking me right now.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm a little distracted.

Well, let me
undistract you.

(electronic drums playing)

Son of a bitch.

What the hell is
wrong with you?!

Hang in there.

We've practiced for this.

d Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men d

d Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men d
d Ooh d

d Men, men, men, men,
manly men d
d Ooh d
d Ooh d

d Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... d

d Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men d

d Ooh d
d Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men... d

d Two and a Half Men 7x20 d
I Called Him Magoo
Original Air Date on May 10, 2010

d Men. d

(playing melancholy version
of "Chelsea Morning")

d Woke up,
it was a Chelsea morning d

d And the first thing
that I heard d

d Was a song outside my window d

d And the traffic
wrote the words... d

Oh, give it a rest.

I miss Chelsea.

Hey. I miss the '80s,

but you don't see me
snorting blow off a DeLorean.

I know he's grounded, Judith,

but why can't he be
grounded at your house?

Well, I have a life, too.

Yes, I do.

Since now.

Okay, I'll tell you e truth.

I... I've got
a new girlfriend

and she only gets off
one night a week a...

Why is that funny?

Oh! Ha, ha.

That's the pot calling
the kettle non-orgasmic,

don't you think?


Hello? (groans)

Well, have a nice day,
you miserable bitch!

Oh, oh, you're still here!

Uh, uh, have a good weekend.

You know, Zippy, you
remind me of a blind
cat I used to have.

Bumping into walls,

stepping into his
water dish.

He was a hoot.

called him "Magoo."


No, he was ugly, too.

Oh, hey, Charlie, uh,
you gonna be home tonight?


Come on.

I've got a romantic nigh
planned, but I need somebody

to keep an eyen Jake
'cause he's grounded.

I got a beer idea.

Open the front door
and leave a trail of hamburgers

to the Army recruiting office.

Everybody wins but America.

Hey, uh, Berta,
wod you do me a favor?

Oh, Magoo, always
walking into walls.

d Men. d

(floorboard creaks)

(engine starts)

(garage door closing)

(garage door csing)

(rapping on wiow)


(rappiWhere are you going?

I told you. I've got a date.

And I told you I'm not going
to be responsible for your kid.

Oh, you don't have to be
responsible for him,

just let him see you.

You know, the illusion
of adult supervision.

No, nono.
I've got plans of my own.

So if you're going to go,
take your kid with you.

Please, Charlie, I booked
a beautiful hotel room.

And I put it on a credit card,
so there's no refund.

What do you mean
"a credit card"?

I'll pay you back, I swear.

Come on, it's just
for one night!

I don't ask for much.

Don't ask for much?
You're a human tip jar

I'm begging you.

I already tookhe Cialis.

Please don't make me
stay he with a boner.

You were going to make me
stay home with a boner!

Okay, okay, think about this.

If it works out
with me and Lyndsey,

I mit be able to move
out of your house and into hers.

Don't do that, Alan.

Don't toy with my heart.

Alright, all right,
tell you what.

Go tell Ja to pack a bag.

I'll drop him off at his mom's.

Now, you're making sense.

(tires screeching)

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

This isn't over!


All right, here's the deal.

I've got someone ming ,

so I need you
to make yourself scarce.

Are you back with Chelsea?

No, I'm not back with Chelsea.

So what's this new girl's name?

I don't know--
Jasmine, Jade.

I asked for Asian.

Who'd u ask?


Just get out of here
for e night.

But I'm grounded.

Hey, hey, hey.

I don't burden you
with my problems.

Hey, Eldridge.
My uncle's horny.

I'll meeyou at the pier.

d Men. d

This is fun, huh?

Sneaking off
to a hotel room

like a couple
of horny teenagers.

Of course, I never
had engh money

like a couple
of as a teenager to
Mm-hmm. afford a hotel room.

My first time was on
a miniature golf course.

Inside the windmill.

No kidding.
Did you get a hole in one?

Uh, well actually a hole in two.

I lost the first one taking
the putter out of the bag.


So, uh, where was
your first time?

at aolice concert.

Oh, Sting?

Little bit.


Can we stop at the drug store?

Oh, uh, don't worry.

I brought enough condoms
to gf our brains out.

No, actually, I have
to get some tampons.

Oh. Oh, you mean
for just in case, right?

'Fraid not. Sorry.

Oh, no, no.
Don't, don't be silly.

Um, this is more about us

spding quality time together
than anything else.

I'm glad you feel that way.

I do have a plan "B."

Plan "B," Alan.

Itoes with my plan "J."



d Men. d

d Men. d

The conference said it has been
informed by the NCAA...

So, Charlie,

how can I make you happy?

What are my choices?

Well, you paid for

the full girlfriend
experience, so...

anything you want.

Anything I want.

I like that.


Read this magazine...

.while I watch

I want the girlfriend experience

and that's what
my girlfriend used to do.


And every once
in a while,

look at me and sigh
whe rolling your eyes.


Oh, baby, that's
what Daddy likes.

(Lyndsey moaning)

Cramps, huh?

, I'm having
another child.


Uh, you know,
not that I'm complaining,

but don't you gals
usually circle

this time of the month
on the old calendar?

It's not
an exact science, Alan.

Aw, for God's sake.

It's like the horse head scene
in The Godfather.

Could be worse.

Could be the prom scene
from Carrie.

That's not funny.

Sorry. Tell you what.

I will, uh, call
for some room service.

Any special requests?
Maybe some champagne?

Sure, whatever.

Oh, your wish is my command.

Uh, hello. Hi.

Yeah, this is
Dr. Alan Harper.

I'in room 710,

and I would like a bottle
of your best champagne

Oh, really?

You don't have anything
more expensive?

Alright, it'll have to do.

Also, I would like some
fresh strawberries

and a dozen blue point oysters.

Well, find some.

This is a special evening
and I will spare no expense.

Thank you.

Hey, Alan?

Yes, my sweet?

Can u hand me
my purse?

Oh, su.



We're in luck.

We are?

I've still got a couple
of Vicodin I stole from myon.

You stole drugfrom your son?

I's only fair.
He stole my youth.

All righty.

Room service.

Oh, that was quick.

Men. d

(TV chatter)

All right, now, we've
circled back around

to hockey scores, so...
(TV turns off)

time for sex.


And what kind of sex
does Charlie want?


And what kind of sex
does Charlie wanHard to pick.

It's kind of like

You know, if they
charged $1,000 a scoop.

And sprinkles
are way extra.

Well i guess if i have to choose

my favorite kind of
sex is make-up sex.

You're kidding.

No, it's great.

Here's how we do it.

I will do or say sething
that will really irritate you.

I can imagine
that happening.

And then we'll have
an argument,

which will escalate
into a fight.

You'll sulk, I'll pout.

Then after a couple
of minutes, we'll look
at each other

and realize we're being
silly, and how lucky we
are to have each other.

Then I will take
you in my arms

and we'll hump
our brains out.

Fine. How do we start?

Let me think.

All right.

Go in the bathroom
and look in the sink.


Just-just do it.
Trust me.

Oh, God,
it's disgusting!

Good, go with that.

Would it kill you to rinse out
the sink after you shave?


All right, I forgive you.

No, no-no, no,
no, no, no. Not yet.

Make me work for it.


Damn it, Charlie,

you're the most thoughtless man
in the wld.

Oh, come on, I'll rinse out
the sink when I brush my teeth.

You haven't brushed
your teeth yet?

What kind of a pig are you?

Nice touch.

But just remember, you're not
really mad about the whiskers.

You're mad, 'cause
I don't listen to you

and I don't like your friends

and I said snide things
about your mother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so...

when do we get to the "humping
our brains out"?

Oh, we're not even close.

This goes on for hours.

Take this and pretend
like you're working.

Oh, sweetie,
I don't have to pretend.

How would you feel
about slapping some

greasy skin cream
all over your face?

Where you going with this?

I'm just talking skin cream.

What do you think,
I'm some kind of freak?

Okay, but I'm not
that kind of freak.

d Men. d

(music from TV)


Whoa, that's going
to attract seagulls.

Okay, let's get this over with.

Don't you want to have some room
service champagne and oysters?

No. I do this better
on an empty stomach.

(TV turns off)

By the way, um,
I'm a little foggy
from the Vicodin,

so if I fall asleep
in the middle,

just give me a little
tap on the shoulder.


Come here.

You're a good
kisser, Alan.

Thank you.

Better than my ex-husband.

Oh. Well, good for me.

He made up for it

below the waist,
if you know what I mean.

He had big feet?

Three of them.

But only two wore shoes.

Lucky you.

Ah, don't worry.

Size doesn't matter to me.

Good to know.

In fact,
in this situation,

the smaller the better.

Um... you're welcome?


What the hell was that?

Um, I don't know.

Maybe the strawberries are
fighting with the oysters.



I think the oysters
are making a break for it.

Excuse me.

Are you going to throw up?

I wish!

You might want
to turn the TV on-- loud!


You don't want to hear
what's about to happen!

d Oh... klahoma d

d Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain d

d Where the waving wheat d

d It sure smells sweet
when the wind... d

d Men. d

All right,
one grilled cheese

with avocado and bacon,
extra crispy.

Oh, thank you, honey.

You realize that bacon's
going to kill you.

I know.

You say you know,
but you keep eating it.

Oh, come on, don't nag.

I'm not nagging,
I'm concerned about you.

Fine, fine.
I'll take the bacon off.

Don't do me any favors.

No-no, no. I'm doing it.
I'm doing it, see?

(door opens and closes)

Who's that?

Just the kid.
Jake, get in here!

We have a kid?

You didn't say anything
about having a kid.

He's not ours.
He's my brother's.

So what's my part
in this scenario?

You don't think I'm a good role
model, and yet, paradoxically,

you still want
to have children with me.


Did you go out even
though you were grounded?

You told me to.

Don't look at me
like that. He's lying.

I'm not lying.

And I'm not looking at you.

All right, all right, enough.

You, young man,

go to your room and think
about what you've done.


I think we handled
that really well.

Tough love, but I'm
still the cool uncle.

Hey, if you're happy,
I'm happy.

I'm very happy.

In fact, are you free tomorrow?

I'm never free,
but I'm available.

Well, great.

How about you drag me
to some boring museum

so I can miss the Laker game?

It's your money.

Is it okay if I go
take a shower?

Well, sure.

I'll be up in a bit.


Still cheaper
than getting married.

d Men. d

All righty.
Here we are.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Believe it or not,
I actually had a good time.

Nice hotel,
room service, no teenagers.

Um, I'm glad.

So, shall we try it again

in, you know,
five or six days?

I would like that.

Okay, uh...

I don't mean to rush
you, but I really

have to go home
to my bathroom.

Want to use mine?

Uh, no. No, that wouldn't

be good for our

All right.

Well, bye.

Seriously, get out of the car.

d Oh... klahoma
where the wind comes... d