Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 19 - Keith Moon Is Vomiting in his Grave - full transcript

* Larry was just a single dad *

* Till a toxic spill
in the science lab *

* Gave him super strength
and X-ray es *

* He cooks, he cleans,
and now he flies *

* Superdad *

* He's a Superdad *

* He's a whiz
in the kitchen *

* Makes potatoes au gratin... *

* While helping the government
find Osama Bin Laden. *

Oh, hey.

What's that?



I'm writing a theme song

for a new sitcom
on Nickelodeon.

Does the show suck
as much as the song?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, this is my
friend, Eldridge.

He plays drums.

Okay.

That explains the bad attitude.

What, you're ragging
on my name?

No, I'm ragging
on your instrument.

Now, beat it. I'busy.

He said "beat it."

And "instrument."

* Fighting crime,
packing lunches *



* Changing diapers
and throwing punches... *

Little turd was right.

This does suck.

Hey.

Jake's friend show up?

Yeah, he's here.

When's he leaving?

I said he could spend the night.

Really? Did you consider
clearing it with me?

You would have said no
to Jake having a friend over?

If you recall, seven years ago,
I said no to having Jake over.

And yet, here he is,
so what's the point in asking?

Fine.

What do we know
about the little drummer boy?

Not much. Jakes says he's one
of the cool kids at school.

Then, why is he
hanging out with Jake?

Are you saying
my son's not cool?

I'm saying your son
got his tongue stuck

to the freezer last weekend.

That could have happened
to anybody.

Anybody who tried to pick up
an Eskimo Pie with their tongue.

His hands were full.

With a HoneyBaked Ham.

Okay, so he's not cool.

And he eats a lot of crap.

And his grades aren't the best.

And his personal hygiene
is a little sketchy.

Is there a "but" coming?

But he's my son,

and I love him.

What's so funny?

Mom says the same thingabou.

Really? Mom says she loves me?

* Men. *

* He's a member of the PTA *

* He wears leotards,
but he's not gay *

* Superdad *

* He's a Supe... *

Stupid drummers.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey!

Hey.

I'm trying to work out there.

Well, what do you think
we're doing in here, man?

Don't feed me straight lines,
Alfalfa.

Just keep it down.

Alfalfa?

He gives everyone nicknames.

I'm Pumpkin Head.

My dad's the Sponge.

Don't even ask
what he calls my grandma.

It rhymes with "bitch."

Oh, wait, it is Bitch.

Rhymes with, uh...

Ditch?

No.

Snitch?

No.

Itch?
No.

Man, this is boring.

Hold o I'll think of it.

No, I mean, what are we going
to do tonight?

I don't know.
What do you want to do?

I don't know.

Well, I don't know, either.

Hey.

Why don't we steal some beer
from your fridge,

go down to the beach
and get wasted.

Okay, but I got to warn you,

I get kind of stupid
when I drink.

Don't worry.ou can leave
the thinking to me.

Hey, you know what?

It does rhyme with "ditch."

What does?

* Men. *

Daddy, is Mr. Boots dead?

Well, Jay Bob, you did
throw him out of a moving car.

That's never good
for a housecat.

I thought they were
supposed to land on their feet.

And that's what
he was trying to do

when he bounced off
the FedEx truck.

But let me see what I can do.

Cover your eyes.
Okay.

Mr. Boots, you're okay!

Just remember, he's
ly got five lives left.

Maybe my song
doesn't suck enough.

Hey.

So, where's Jake and Eldridge?

Beats me.

Last I saw them,
they were stealing beer

out of the fridge
and sneaking out the back.

They stole beer?

They had to.
I locked up the hard stuff.

Charlie!

Relax. How drunk can they get
off a 12-pack?

Damn it.

This had to be Eldridge's idea.

Jake would never think of it
on his own.

That's true.

Last bright idea he had

was to pick up an Eskimo Pie
with his tongue.

I better go look for them.

Good idea.

Embarrass him in front
of his only guy friend.

Eldridgeisn't his o.

Who else does he hang out with?

And you can't count you, me,
orilitary recruiters.

So, what, I'm supposed
to do nothing?

They have to be punished.

Don't worry. The alcohol
will punish them plenty.

Yeah, that's really worked
for you.

Trust me, Alan:
Inside, I'm suffering.

Oh, the agony.

* Men. *

Beer's not so cool now, is it?

Leave me alone.

And you...

what is your mother
going to say?

For God's sake, that's wicker!

Hey.

How are we all doing in here?

You should have stopped them
when you had the chance.

And miss out on this?

How's it hanging, Alfalfa?

And you call yourself a drummer.

Keith Moon is vomiting
in his grave.

* Men. *

That's really beautiful,
Charlie.

Thanks.

I wrote it before
I got kicked out of Juilliard.

How'd you go from writing
something like that

to jingles and kid music?

Well, after I left school,

I came back to L.A.
Hoping to write film sres.

But I met this advertising guy

who needed a song
about toothpaste.

Before I knew it, I was rhyming

"exhilaration"
with "constipation."

"Open doors" with "cold sores."

And one I am particularly
proud of,

"make a switch"
with "feminine itch."

I hear you.

When I came out here,
I was hoping to be a dancer.

Really?

Yeah.

Then I met pot and doughnuts.

Before I knew it,
I was scrubbing toilets

and hosing teenage bf
out of wicker baskets.

Rhyme that, Beethoven.

* A tisket, a tasket *

* I'm barfing in a basket. *

That's what pays
your salary, baby.

All ght, this
is Eldridge's mom.

I'm going to give her
a piece of my mind.

Oh, just let it go.

No, no. This is poor parenting
on her part,

and she needs to know about it.

Hi. I'm here
to pick up Eldridge.

I hope he wasn't
too much trouble.

Trouble?

He was an angel.
Come on in.

* Superdad. *

* Men. *

* Men. *

Thank you so much, Alan.

Well, hey, Eldridge
is welcome anytime.

We single parents
have to stick together.

Yeah.
See you, buddy.

Yeah, bite me.

I heard that, young man.

Good for you.
Get in the car.

Can I drive?
Not with a suspended license, you can't.

You suck!
And you're ruining my life!

Okay, bye-bye.

Yes?

What happened to giving her
a piece of your mind?

Oh, come on.
We both know what happened.

Right.

Piece of tail always trumps
piece of mind, doesn't it?

What do you want from me?

She's a beautiful woman.

She's been through
a tough divorce.

She raising a teenage son
by herself.

Last thing she needs

is me dumpinmore
problems in her lap.

So, what are your plans
for her lap?

I don't know.
I... I might call her.

We'll see.

You're unbelievable.

Your son finally gets a friend,

and you're going to tr
to nail his mother?

All right, okay, first of all,

with a classy woman like
Lyndsey, there's no nailing.

There's, uh...
there's dating and bonding

and-and getting
to know one another.

And then, you know, eventually
consummating the relationship

with mutual respect and caring.

Oh, grow up.

This is a hot divorced mom
from the Valley.

You're going to need
three penises

and a set of jumper cables
just to get her attention.

Oh, you're disgusting.

Hey, I'm not the one trying

to bang the drummer's mom
slowly.

Don't you judge me.

Why not?

You've slept with one
of Jake's teachers,

his den mother,
his karate instructor,

his ballet teacher,
and his aunt.

Great. So five wrongs
make a right.

What?

If I jump off a bridge and land
on top of some broad Jake knows,

that makes it okay
for you to do it, too?

What?

I think I've made my point.

What?

* Men. *

I'm never gonna drink again.

Quitter.

Charlie?

Oh, right.

Atta boy.

Here's your wastebasket.

I rinsed it out,

but there are still some
tiny chunks in the weave.

Maybe you could use
your dad's Waterpik.

Give the kid a break, Berta.

He's hung over.

Oh, the poor dear.

Next time, tell your friends
to puke out the window.

Want to know
a surefire hangover cure?

Never stop drinking.

Charlie?

Let me finish.

Or never start
in the first place.

See how I turned that around?

Bring it home, Dr. Cosby.

All right, for starters,

you and Eldridge stole beer
that did not belong to you.

That is not how I raised you.

Now to the issue
of underage drinking.

Not only is it against the law,
alcohol destroys brain cells.

Alan, Alan,

you gotta tailor the pitch
to the audience.

What do you mean?

Forget brain cells.

Jake, listen to me.
This is very important.

You're kidding.

I can't tell you
how many times I've said,

"This has never happened
before."

Huh.

Where are you going?

To check out your theory.

Remember: he's your son,
and you love him.

* Up, up, and away in my... *

Dr. Alan Harper.
May I help you?...

Oh, oh, hi, Lyndsey.

No, no, you're
not interrupting.

Just doin' some
stomach crunches.

Hang on.

And... a thousand.

So what's up?

Uh, tonight?

Sure, sure, I'd love to.

Yeah, yeah, I know that place.

8:00? Perfect.

See you then.

How about that?

She called me.
Wants to have drinks.

Nice.
What are you gonna tell Jake?

Who?

I mean, what do you mean?

I mean, are you gonna te him

you're hookin' up
with his buddy's mom?

Okay, first of a, nobody said
anything about hooking up.

It's just drinks.

And-and second of all, Jake nt
out and had drinks last night

and didn't tell me.

Man, that's the most lame-ass
rationalization

for questionable behavior
I've ever heard from you.

Yeah, so?

Kudos.

Hey, Uncle Charlie?
You were wrong.

* Men. *

It is so nice to get out
of the house

and spend time
with another grownup.

I know.

It's hard to be a single parent.

Thankless, really.

Oh, tell me about it.

Dealing with the ex.

Setting boundaries.

The loneliness.

The frustration.

It's all worth it though.

You're so dirty!
The frustration.

I'm a dirty mom!

My son is the greatest
gift of my life.

Mine, too.

I can't imagine loving anything
more than I love Jake.

To our children.

Our children.

Tell me I'm a good mom!

Oh, you're a good mom!

I'm a dirty mom!

Oh, you're so dirty!

Uh, whoopsie!

Automatic flusher.

Do, do that again!

Okay.

Not the toilet!

Sorry! Sorry!

* Men. *

Hey!

Hey-hey-hey-hey-
hey-hey!

Aren't you grounded?

Um, I think that's just
when my dad's here.

Get in the house...

all of you.

I thought you were cool.

No, you didn't.

How old are you?

Sixteen.

What about you?
Same.

That's what I thought.

We were just goin' down
to the beach.

Nobody asked you.

I want you to listen to this

and tell me if it makes you
wanna watch the TV show.

* Larry was just a single dad *

* Till a toxic spil
in the science lab *

* Gave him super strength
and X-ray eyes *

* He cooks, he cleans,
and now he flies *

* Superdad! *

* He's a super-bad,
fightin' mad *

* College grad,
wearin' plaid Superdad! *

Oh, my
God, that's great!

Absolutely fantastic.
Yeah, I would so watch that.

You wrote that?

You think?

Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, really makes you
wanna see the show.

Thanks. Thank you.

All right, well, I guess
you guys all wanna get going.

Yeah. Yeah, let's go. Yeah.

Psst, Jake.

Yeah?

If you've got a choice,
take the tall one.

Why?

Trust me.

It's my superpower.

Thanks.

Super Uncle!

* Men. *

* Men. *

I'm back.

Oh, good.
I was starting to worry.

How'd it go with Jake?

Hardly knew he was here.

Can you keep a secret?

The real question is
"Can I remember a secret?"

You were right.

That's no secret.

I- I mean about Lyndsey.

Who's Lyndsey?

Eldridge's mom.

Who's Eldridge?

Jake's friend.

The drummer?

Anyway, we did wind up
having sex.

You and me?

You really need
to get into a program.

It's not funny anymore.

Humor is very subjective.

Come on. Be serious.

I'm just telling y
about Lyndsey

because I may need you
to cover for me with Jake.

Don't worry.
I got your back.

ThanksCharlie.

Good night.

Is he gone?

Who?

Dad.

Oh. Yeah.

Thanks.

Don't worry. I got your back.

Good night.

What just happened?