Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 22 - This Is Not Gonna End Well - full transcript

Jake becomes Charlie's driver after Charlie has his license suspended, and to Charlie's chagrin, Alan makes plans to attend Chelsea's birthday party.

Man, I love German cars.

If you keep your nose clean
and work hard,

someday you'll be able to park them
for a living.


Why is my ass getting hot?

You turned on the seat warmer.


I was afraid
I had another case of swamp ass.

Another case?

It happens every year
around this time.

Only thing that helps it
is Aloe Vera and Vaseline.

I see.

Half a tube of each,
right in the crack.

It's like squirting ketchup and mustard
into a hot dog bun.

Then you, like,
mash the sides together.



You hungry? I'm getting hungry.

I may never eat again.

Yellow light.

- I'm slowing down.
- No, gun it!

Man, this thing is a rocket ship.

Okay, now you can slow down.

Should I run for it?

What, are you crazy?

Pull over.

You told me to run the light.
My dad's gonna kill me.

Calm down, he's not gonna kill you.

How can I calm down?

I just got my license,
and I'm gonna lose it!

All right, all right.

- Switch places with me.
- What?

Just do it.

And give me your hat.

You want my lucky hat?

I wanna share in your good fortune.

Evening, Officer.

Season 7 Episode 22
"This Is Not Gonna End Well"

Subtitle: Mr. Bo Jingles Team

Where have you been?

Van Nuys.

- What were you doing in Van Nuys?
- That's where the jail is.


I got arrested.

You're kidding. What for?

Apparently, I ran a red light
at 64 miles an hour.

And I was in the passenger seat.

Yes, I was driving,

you were in the passenger seat.

Anyway, it turns out I had
a couple of unpaid parking tickets.


Thank you.

They arrested you
for unpaid parking tickets?

Well, there was also a bench warrant
when I didn't show up in court.

How could you not show up?

Don't they send summons?

Lots of them, but I threw them away.

I thought they were for jury duty.

Long story short, when I didn't show up,
they suspended my license.

And I was in the passenger seat.

You were driving
with a suspended license?

Only for a couple of...


Luckily though, my license was fine,

so when they took him to the station,
I followed in the Mercedes.

By the way, I reset all your radio
stations to good stuff.

I'd like to be alone now.

You've been through a lot.

By the way, if you need anyone
to drive you to the movies

or the mall or a strip club,
I'm available.

- Appreciate it.
- You can relax in the passenger seat.

Like I did earlier today.

Get out!

I am sorry that you lost your license,

but I would be remiss

if I did not point out what a bad
example you're setting for Jake.

- Not now, Alan.
- I think now is exactly the right time.

That young man looks up to you.

And when he sees you blatantly
disregard the rules of the road,

he's more likely to do it himself.

You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry.

Are you really?
Or you just saying the words?

Don't walk away
when I am talking to you.

- I'm gonna count to three, Alan.
- That's mature!


Where was one and two?

You know I was just trying
to show concern for my son.

I do.

And you know I was just trying to cause
severe nerve damage to your shoulder.

I do.

We should maybe come up
with some kind of safe word.

Like "pumpernickel."

Sure, whatever.

You know,
until you get your license back,

you can count on me
to drive you wherever you need to go.


Of course, during the week,
I'm working.

I know.

And, Monday nights,
I'm at the senior center.

What are you doing there?

Free Pilates class.

They don't even check IDs.

Tuesdays and Thursday nights,
they have water aerobics,

Wednesday is low-impact hip-hop,

and, Friday is movie night.

This week is Cocoon.


And of course on Saturday, you know,
I need to power down.

And Saturday night, maybe a date.

You're calling those magazines dates

But, any other time you need a ride,
I'm your man.

- Wonderful.
- Sunday is usually good.

Not this Sunday though,
I got a little thing.

I know, but what does that have to do
with Sunday?


Actually, I've been meaning
to talk to you about this,

but I was waiting
for the right time.

Are you...

Moving out?

But that never ceases to be amusing.


turns out, I was invited
to Chelsea's birthday party.


Well, when she was living here,
we were friends.

And we've remained friends.

She invited you
to her birthday party?

- I won't go if you don't want me to.
- I don't.

Asked and answered. Done and done.

I did buy her a lovely scarf.

Will it support your weight
from a shower rod?


Of course, it might be
a little awkward if I don't show.

- Why is that?
- I volunteered to bring the ice.

Is that why you've been filling
Ziploc bags with my ice cubes all week?

It's exactly the same ice
as the kind you have to pay for,

sans the fancy polar bear label.

I'm not gonna say this again.

I don't want you hanging out
with my ex-fianc?e.

I hear you, loud and clear.

It's just so rare I get to socialize
with people my own age.

There's no free nooky night
at the senior center?

What if I just go for cocktails
and skip dinner?


- Wake up.
- Pumpernickel!

You gotta go to Chelsea's party.

If you don't go,
she's gonna know I told you not to.

That's possible.

It's a sure thing.

She knows
you'd never pass up a free meal.

That's not true.

How many birthdays
have you had at Denny's this year?

All right.

So... you gotta go to the party

and let her know
that I'm doing just fine without her.

But... you gotta be cool about it.
You know, like in passing.

Sure. How's this?

Happy birthday.
Charlie's doing fine without you

and never wanders around the house
in the middle of the night with a drink.

You need teeth
to say "pumpernickel."

Got it.

I hope I'm not here early.
The... the invite said 8:00.


8:00 it is.

Come on in.

Who is this?

That's how you greet a guest?
"Who is this?"

Who are you and
what you doing here so freaking early?

This is Alan, Charlie's brother.

I'm Ed.

- Heard a lot about you.
- Heard a lot about you, too.

You know...
you being in the Navy with Tom and,

you guys keeping in touch,
even though you were both... married.


now you're reunited.

Great song.

Reunited and it feels so good.

So where's the birthday girl?

Taking a shower.

Women. Always running late.

Bet you don't miss that.

I brought the ice.

I guess the bottom got wet.
You know how that is.

I mean, it happens to everybody,
not because you're gay.

And I thought you were exaggerating.

And remember,

looky, no touchy.

What's that?

A birthday present for Chelsea.

But you guys broke up.

I bought it a couple of months ago.


'Cause I thought
that's when her birthday was.

Turns out,
I confused it with St. Patrick's Day.

Are those real diamonds?



You could've saved a lot of money
with Cuban zirconium.

Cuban zirconium?

Girls can't tell
since it's just as sparkly as a diamond,

and it's cheap
'cause it's from Cuba.

Good Lord, you're an idiot.

I didn't waste a bunch of money
on a bracelet for a girl who dumped me.

It's not a waste.
I'm still gonna give it to her.

In fact... come on,

you're driving me to Chelsea's.

Did it occur to you
that I might have plans?

I'm sorry.
Do you have plans?

But there's a principle involved.

I'm just saying, there's a right way,
and there's a wrong way.

You need any condoms?

- Do you?
- I got a buttload.

A buttload?

You may need
to read the instructions more carefully.

I don't get it.


Have you used any of them yet?


For sex?

For water balloons.

Keep a few in reserve,
'cause you're not really breeding stock.

So, what are you looking for?

- Birthday card for Chelsea.
- Good idea.

Look at this one.

Says, "I got you a birthday package."
And on the inside, it's a naked fat guy

with a hole for you
to pop your finger through.

Are you sure?

He really likes you.

Here we go.

"Wishing you all the dreams
of your heart,

"all the love in the world

"and the beautiful day
you deserve for being so special."

That's not funny.

Not supposed to be funny.

Mission accomplished.

Look at this one.

It's an old lady with long banana boobs
and a dog looking at her.

And on the inside, it says,
"How many were in your litter?"

That's not a birthday card.

It could be.
Write "happy birthday" inside.

I need a real birthday card.

Here's one with a puppy on it.

"For someone very special
on her birthday.

"Each day is a beautiful gift to enjoy."
That's pretty good.

And then you could cut a hole

and pop your pinky through
and give that dog a bone.

I can't help you
if you're not gonna work with me.

I'm really glad you came, Alan.

How could I not?

We're friends.

I was afraid it might be
uncomfortable for you.

No, no. Don't be silly.

So... that's it?

No dinner? Just finger foods?

- Sorry.
- Oh, no, it's fine.

I could never have enough
prosciutto and melon.

Hey, that'd be a good name
for a singing act.

Prosciutto and Melon.

"Ladies and gentlemen,
the song stylings

of Prosciutto and Melon."

There's an open mic night
at the senior center. I gonna use that.


- So, how's he doing?
- Who?

Oh, Charlie.

He's doing fine...
just fine.

Good, good.

In fact, he told me to tell you
happy birthday.

Oh, that's nice.
Tell him I said thanks.

I will.

And I'm sure he'd say,
"You're welcome."

So... how are you doing?

And it's me asking, not Charlie.

Although I'm sure
he'd be interested.

Not that I'd tell him, unless
you want me to. You want me to? Wait.

Tell me how you're doing first,
and then we can decide.

- I'm doing fine, Alan.
- Good, good. So is Charlie.

Can we change the subject?

You're the one who brought it up,
but sure.

You ever think about your dad
and Ed having sex?

"Happy birthday, thinking of you."

What's wrong with it?

It's, what to you call it,


Yeah. You got her a present
and you got her a birthday card.

You're obviously thinking of her.
So saying that is redumbnent.

So if you act like a moron,

saying you're a moron
would be redumbnent.

Now you're getting it.

Oh, buddy, you really shouldn't be
walking around without a helmet.

- Wait here. I'll be right back.
- Why can't I go with you?

Because I'm just gonna give Chelsea
the bracelet and leave.

Bring me back a piece of cake.

Corner with a flower would be nice.

What are you doing?

Checking for leaks?


I need you to go up there
and give Chelsea the present.

Why? Did you wuss out?

I just don't want to make a scene.

Here, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss.

Wuss, wuss...



Just take the bracelet,
ring the doorbell,

say, "Happy birthday,
this is from Uncle Charlie," and leave.

- Can I get a piece of cake?
- Fine, grab a piece of cake.

What if they haven't cut the cake yet?
Can I hang out?

I'm not gonna sit here
waiting for you.

You don't really have choice.

- You're not allowed to drive.
- What are you saying?

Well, at the risk of being redumbnent,
I'm saying I'll be having cake.

I can't believe I'm being blackmailed
by Forrest Gump.

I tell her you're waiting out here?

No! Are you nuts?

It'd be a good way
to get a second piece of cake.

Get out of here!

Run, Forrest, run.

What if I meet a cute girl?
Would you mind walking home?

Jake, I swear to God,
do not make me get out of this car.

Excuse me, let's not forget
who's doing who a favor here.


Yes, sir.

Extra large?

Yeah, maybe if he wears it
as a lucky hat.

So, what about the blonde?

Is she single?

Yeah, but she's a little crazy.

Mm, not a deal breaker.

The well-adjusted
ones generally won't come near me.

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here?

Uncle Charlie wanted me
to give Chelsea this birthday present.


So, have you cut the cake yet?

We haven't even sung
"Happy Birthday" yet.

Happy birthday To you

Happy birthday To you

Happy birthday Dear Chelsea

Happy birthday To you.


Thank you.
Thank you for coming.

Excuse me, I need to get some air.

Wasn't me...
I always claim 'em, you know that.

Come on, Skipper.

So, where's the cake?

Aw, geez!

Oh, this is not gonna end well.


Hey, Chels.

Happy birthday!

I tell you Uncle Charlie's gonna pay me
to drive him back and forth to work?

Oh, that's nice.

I'm ready!

I get to drive his car twice a day

for three to six months,
depending on good behavior.

Move it, numbnuts!

Smart money's on six.

Subtitles: Mr. Bo Jingles Team