Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 11 - Warning, It's Dirty - full transcript

Oh, the weather outside is frightful

But the fire is so delightful

And since we've no place to go

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Snow, sleet, rain, sun,
you've still got no place to go.

Which is why I'm
grateful for your generosity, Mr. Scrooge.

Speaking of generosity,
check out what I got Chelsea.

Diamond earrings. Nice.

Yeah. She dropped a couple of hints
about stuff she wanted.

But I wasn't really listening,
so I got her these.

How romantic.
Will she be joining us for dinner?



I think so. She's out
doing some last-minute shopping...

...or something with work.
Again, I wasn't really listening.

Why did you mail me a letter?

Oh, I decided to send out
a Harper Christmas newsletter.

You know, keep everybody updated
on all things Harper.

- You're kidding.
- Don't worry, governor.

I didn't mention your ongoing battle
with the demon rum.

As this wonderful year
Draws to an end

I send this note
To family and friend

So thankful are we
For blessings galore

Like Charlie's fianc?e
A lady, not a whore

Keep reading.

And young Master Jake
Is growing like a weed

He makes us all proud
Not a waste of my seed



Keep going. Keep going.

He tried his darnedest
In every class

And made 10th grade
By the skin of his ass

And, see, I put in a little drawing
of an elf with his pants down.

What's the matter with you?
You're a grown man.

Oh, come on, people love this stuff.
Read, read.

And our sweet mother, Evelyn
Had a small operation

Her secret garden
Needed rejuvenation

- "Secret garden"?
- Find a rhyme for "vulva."

I dare you.

And what about the author
Of this Christmas poem?

He's healthy and happy
In his beautiful home

And while some might argue
That he's just a leech

It bothers him not
He lives at the beach

"Happy holidays
from the happy Harpers."

What do you think?

You're sad, pathetic
Lonely and blue

If I gave a rat's ass
I'd worry about you

Expecting rough weather, captain?

What?

What are you looking at?

- Nothing.
- Really?

So the beautiful girls playing volleyball
completely escaped your eye?

I see them, you perv.

Little hottie in the tank top
is checking you out.

I know. Now, please go away.

Why don't you go talk to her?

- I can't.
- Well, why not?

I got a girlfriend.

Oh, buddy, you can't call the posters
in your room girlfriends.

No, I'm talking about Celeste.
I'm in a committed relationship.

- What are you talking about? You're 13.
- I'm 15.

Who cares? You're too young
for a committed relationship.

- I'm 40, and I'm barely ready.
- You're 42.

What is it with you and numbers?

Let me ask you something.
Where is Celeste right now?

Spending Christmas
with her mom in Brentwood.

So, what, your life just stops
when she's gone?

That's the deal we made.

Listen to me,
if you wanna go talk to the beach girl...

...you've got every right to do so.

Are you sure? I don't think so.

Don't worry about it.
Just go talk to her.

- Can I borrow 10 bucks?
- Why?

If she shoots me down,
then I can go buy a couple corn dogs.

She's not gonna shoot you down.

Yeah, but now I got a taste
for corn dogs.

- Just go.
- What if she wants a corn dog?

She's about to meet one.
Now, get out of here.

Do I look okay?

Jake, she waved at you. She smiled.
Clearly, her standards aren't that high.

Right. Thanks.

When did I turn 42?

Son of a bitch.

Hey, I'm an organ donor.
Good for me.

- Hey, Berta. Merry Christmas.
- Thank you, Charlie.

- You're very generous.
- Well, I just want you to know...

...that I appreciate your hard work.

And I appreciate
you pretending I work hard.

- Hey, you feeling lucky?
- What do you got in mind?

My Christmas bonus, double or nothing
that Zrbnck makes the field goal.

Are you crazy? That's 52 yards.
He hasn't made one that long all year.

- I got a hunch.
- And you got a bet.

There's the snap.
The kick is up. It's long enough, but wide.

It's no good.
Zrbnck's missed another one.

Well, happy birthday, Jesus.

- Told you.
- No biggie. Easy come, easy go.

Sorry.

Looks like the grandkids are getting
beef jerky and lotto scratchers this year.

Here.

- You're too kind.
- Don't mention it.

- You got a big heart.
- Thank you.

Double or nothing
they don't make first down.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey. Where you been?

- Out on the beach.
So?

- How'd it go?
Fine. I'm getting her a grape soda.

No, no, no,
you don't bring the grape soda to her.

- You bring her to the grape soda.
- Her who?

Hang on. You bring her here,
she sees your beautiful house...

...she thinks you got it going on,
and then you got a shot at...

Well, I don't know what
you got a shot at, but you got a shot.

- Whoa, whoa, catch me up.
- You see what I'm saying?

- So I should bring her here?
- Absolutely.

Women love this house.
It's an aphrodisiac.

I don't think she's Afro-anything.

- She's more like Chinese.
- Wait. Who's Chinese? What's going on?

- He met a girl, and I'm helping him out.
- What about Celeste?

Uncle Charlie said my life shouldn't stop
just because she's not around.

So you're encouraging my son
to cheat on his girlfriend?

There's no cheating going on.
Are you cheating?

- I'm not sure.
- You're not.

He is. How would you feel if Celeste
was flirting with some other guy?

- How do you know she's not?
- She's with her mom.

And you're with your dad,
but that's not stopping you, is it?

- Good point.
- No, no, it's a lousy point.

Relationships are built on trust
and mutual respect.

Oh, grow up. Relationships are built
on diamond earrings and Viagra.

Now, go take the young lady
her grape soda.

I still think it would help if I had
some corn-dog money to flash around.

Go.

- Shame on you.
- Well, what's the big deal?

It's not like he and Celeste
are sleeping together.

No, but once a relationship reaches
any physical level...

...there's an implied commitment.
- Yeah.

That's because you married
the first girl who touched your wiener.

Not true.

The first girl who touched my wiener
was Maxine Chernakoff...

...and she refused to marry me.

As did the blind girl at camp,
the school nurse...

...and crazy cousin Wendy.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

I'm more proud of him.
I mean, he actually got her back here...

...without hitting her over the head
and stuffing her in a burlap sack.

Pretty girl.
- Yep.

You'd think she'd have
more self-esteem.

Hey, Jake may be dull-witted...

...but he has a certain
je ne sais quoi with the ladies.

Maybe six years of picking his
underwear up with a rake...

...has made me immune
to his charms.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Nice work
talking her into coming back here.

I didn't really talk her into it.
She had to pee.

Yeah, but you gave her the grape soda
that made it happen.

Now, Jake, you're just hanging out
with this girl, right? As friends?

- So far.
- What does that mean?

It means I haven't made my move yet.

- What move?
- I'm not sure.

That's why I haven't made it yet.
I don't think it's gonna get serious.

- She doesn't even live here.
- She doesn't?

She's in town for the holidays
visiting her aunt.

She pronounced it "aunt,"
but I figured it out.

Oh, dude,
you have hit the jackpot here.

- I have?
- This girl is most likely...

...looking for a hot story
to tell her friends back home.

And you, you cute little clueless
bastard, can be the star of that story.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So stop wasting time.
What are you doing in here?

I had to fart,
and I didn't wanna do it in front of her.

Attaboy. Good thinking.

- I thought it was you.
- I thought it was you.

Oh, that must be Mom.

- Mom? What's Mom doing here?
- Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie.

I know. Why isn't she out
stealing toys in Whoville?

Merry Christmas, one and all.

Oh, hello.
- Hi, Mom.

Boys, this is legendary TV producer
Mr. Marty Pepper.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Marty, these are my sons,
Charlie and Alan.

Is it important which is which?

Not really.

Would you help me
with the wheelchair?

I'll call you Scooter, and you Dutch.

- Mom, are you and he?
- Oh, good Lord, no.

The man is 1000 years old.

It's a wonder his scrotum
doesn't get tangled up in the wheels.

- So he's just a friend?
- Yes.

And I just couldn't let him spend
Christmas Eve alone...

...rattling around his 25,000-square-foot
Beverly Hills mansion...

...with adjoining guesthouse,
Olympic-size saltwater pool...

...and home theater.

- There it is.
- Are you really this hard up for a listing?

Alan, it's a 60-million-dollar home.
My commission will be almost 2 million.

How much did you make last year?

- Welcome to our home, Mr. Pepper.
- What are you shouting for?

- I'm incontinent, not deaf.
- Sorry.

What?

- Have an Abba-Zaba, Marty.
- Thank you.

- Did I ever tell you I knew Lucille Ball?
- Yes, you did, dear.

You know, she wasn't a real redhead.

Ask me how I know.

Warning: It's dirty.

I think Celeste knows
I'm seeing another woman.

- What? Why?
- She's texting me.

- What are you talking about?
- Nothing.

Jake has a shot
at some out-of-town strange.

You see how he is corrupting
your grandson?

Oh, come on, Alan,
it's out-of-town strange.

- You really have a shot?
- I don't know.

Uncle Charlie seems to think so.

Tell her you wanna get her
her own sitcom. Never fails.

There she is again. What do I do?

Just text her back, "Thinking of you,"
which you are, so you're not lying.

- That's good.
- This may be your house...

...but this is my son.
- You've been living here seven years...

...which makes us a common-law
couple, which makes him our son.

Homos with a kid!
A great idea for a sitcom.

It worked. She wrote back,
"Merry Christmas. I miz you."

- Then write back, "I miz you too."
- Man, you are good.

Look at that.
Our little boy is growing up.

How would you feel
about us having another child?

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring

Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun

Now the jingle hop has begun

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time

Dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell Square

In the frosty air

What a bright time, it's the right time

To rock the night away

Jingle bell time is a swell time

To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh

Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet

Jingle around the clock

- Alan.
- Mix and mingle with the jingling feet

- Alan.
- That's the jingle bell

- That's the jingle bell...
- Alan!

Forty years ago, you asked
for a little brother for Christmas.

Happy?

That's the jingle bell rock!

Can somebody move me?

My chestnuts are roasting
by this open fire.

Is that you?
I thought Alan burned the ham.

Berta, don't you wanna spend
Christmas with your family?

Do you wanna spend Christmas
with yours?

Let me freshen your drink.

What is that fragrance you're wearing,
my dear?

Ben-Gay and foot powder.

Whatever it is, it's making me hot.

Turkey's almost done. Aren't you
gonna put on some nice clothes?

Why? It's just gonna be you, me,
Chelsea, Berta, Mom...

...and the Ghost of Show Biz Past.

Well, and Jake.

- No. Jake split.
- What?

- He's hanging with his new girlfriend.
- Where?

Her aunt's house. I think
they got the place to themselves...

...so he might get a little, you know,
peace on earth tonight.

How do you make everything
sound dirty?

Hey, I took the high road.

I could've gone with,
"Come, all ye faithful."

- He needs to be home.
- Oh, come on, Alan.

- He's got a real shot with that girl.
- It's Christmas Eve.

- So?
- So if I can't get laid, nobody gets laid.

This is your father. Whatever you're
doing, stop it and get your ass home.

- What's he doing? Decking her hall?
- Shut up.

No, right now, mister.

Fine, bring her back here if you want.

Yes, there's still pie left.

What are you looking at?

How would you like
to have your own sitcom?

- Hi. Is Jake home?
I don't know.

Sorry to intrude, but Celeste wanted
to give Jake his Christmas present.

Please come in.
- Ah, crap.

Wow, check out the mom.

Forget the mom.
Get rid of them before Jake walks in...

...with another girl.
- Yeah, yeah. Good idea.

Hi. Hi.
I'm Alan, Jake's divorced father.

- Keisha, Celeste's mother.
- Her mother?

- Oh, please. You look like her sister.
- You're sweet.

And single.

Where's Jake?

- Uh. Um, uh, uh, the...
- Actually...

...he's, uh, distributing corn dogs
to the homeless tonight.

But we'll make sure he gets your gift.

Thanks for stopping by.
Merry Christmas.

- Jake?
- Oh, hi.

Who's this?

Um, I don't know.

- Who's she?
- Uh, Uncle Charlie?

I don't know what to tell you, pal.

It happens.

- You said you didn't have a girlfriend.
- He doesn't.

- Would you like some eggnog?
- You've got to be kidding.

- You want some pie?
- You are such a liar.

Why all the yelling? What's going on?

- Uncle Charlie just ruined my life.
- What?

He said it was okay to see other girls
as long as my girlfriend wasn't around.

- Really? Is that what you believe?
- No, no, no. Not at all.

He completely misunderstood me.
Merry Christmas.

Yeah, right.

Nice going.

Would you like a lick?

Not of that.

- You wanna take your hand off my leg?
- I certainly do not.

Love you.

Yeah? Who do you love
when I'm not around?

Hey, Uncle Charlie,
you really suck, you know that?

Yeah, I've been told.

Listen, Jake, would it be creepy
for you if I called Celeste's mom?

Are you insane?

Think about it.

Here you go, sweetie.
Bite-size. Easy to chew.

Marty?

God. Marty?

Ha! Just messing with you, you vulture.

She thinks she's gonna sell my house
when I'm dead.

But I ain't going.

Oops. Actually, I am going.

Merry Christmas, everybody.