Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 12 - Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste - full transcript

- So, what time is your flight?
- Eight a.m.

Eight a. M? Wow.

Yup.

- You want me to drive you?
- That'd be nice.

What time do you think
we should leave? Around 6?

- To be on the safe side.
- Sure.

Sure. You never know with traffic
and airport security and all.

- Would you rather I call a cab?
- No, no. No, I won't hear of it.

I'll call one for you.

Golly, I'm gonna miss you.

A couple days without sex
won't kill you.



It's not just sex.

You're my friend, my companion.

And what makes you think
I'm not gonna have sex?

Excuse me?

Hey, when the cat's away,
the mice masturbate.

Tell you what, why don't you
open a bottle of wine...

...come upstairs, and I'll give the mice
something to remember me by.

Oh, yay, fresh memories.

Much better than the video of you
on my iPhone.

You took video of me on your iPhone?

Well, uh, just a little.

I'd have asked permission,
but you were kind of busy.

- Give me the phone.
- Aww.

Give it.



Thank you.

- Oh, Charlie.
- What? You can't even tell it's you.

Boy, I can't turn my back on you,
can I?

Actually, I have photographic evidence
that you can.

- Not anymore.
- Aww.

Don't pout.
Just get the wine and come upstairs.

- Okay.
- And leave the phone down here.

Aww.

Let's see, what's the proper wine
for the occasion?

Oh, who cares?
Everything goes with ass biting.

Hey.

- I thought you were on a date.
- I was.

- Didn't go well.
- Really?

You're usually such a hit
with the ladies.

This might've been the worst date
of my life.

Did she dress you in a leather bustier
and tie you to a bed?

- No.
- Did she superglue a model car...

...to your balls?

- No.
- She talk you into putting on a dress...

...while she stole your wallet?
- No.

Then this wasn't even
your worst date this month.

I suppose.

And thanks for the highlight reel,
by the way.

Happy to help.

I feel like going down to the beach,
and diving into the ocean...

...and swimming out
until my arms are so tired...

...that I sink below the waves
into blessed oblivion.

Hold on. Before you do anything crazy,
can you help me get this bottle open?

Sure. I mean,
these women you meet online...

...you think you have some kind
of a connection, a bond.

Then you meet them
and there's nothing.

Just two lonely strangers staring
at each other...

...across buffalo wings
and soft-serve ice cream.

Well, maybe your problem is taking them
to a mall food court on a first date.

I don't wanna make
a big investment...

...until I have a sense
of where things are going.

Plus, the parking is free.

There you go.

Thank you.

Okay, well, good catching up.

If you're going for that swim,
tuck your license in your crack...

...so I can identify your body.

I mean, is it so much to ask to make a
connection with another human being?

- No.
- I'm not even looking for sex.

- I just want a little companionship.
- That's rough. Buy a dog.

- You said I couldn't have a dog.
- Fine, buy a dog and move.

You know what would be great? If you
could find a dog with its own house.

What's taking you so long?

Oh, hi, Alan. How was your date?

- Awful.
- I'm sorry. You wanna talk about it?

No, he's going for a swim.

- Well, I could use a friendly ear.
- Of course.

Now, tell me,
this is the girl you met online?

- "Perky Dodger fan in Tarzana."
- What happened?

First of all, she wasn't so much perky
as porky.

More like a Dodger Dog fan.

Don't you hate when people
misrepresent themselves?

When someone makes a date with "buff
Malibu doctor," that's what they get.

- That's because you're honest.
To a fault.

Apparently, even when the cat's here,
the mice have to masturbate.

Hey.

Hey.

Watching some football?

No fooling you.

- Who are we rooting for?
- The spread.

Ah. So we're making an illegal wager?

Technically.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging.

It's really a victimless crime,
don't you think?

So far.

Sorry.

Heard any good jokes lately?

Yeah.

Two brothers are sitting on a couch.

One of them says,
"Heard any good jokes lately?"

And then the other one... Get this.

The other one lights him on fire.

- Okay, we'll just watch the game.
- Thank you.

All right. It's a commercial.
Now you can talk.

I was thinking,
with Chelsea out of town...

Hold on, hold on. It's that baby
that trades stocks. Heh, heh.

I love this kid.

There it is. Wow.

Okay, go ahead.

I was thinking,
with Chelsea out of town...

...that maybe, you know,
after the game...

...you and I could go out
and grab a bite to eat.

No, thanks.

- Not hungry?
- Don't like you.

Oh, come on.
I need some human contact.

That's probably a human.
Go contact them.

That was clever.

I'm a clever guy.

Hey, buddy, you're here early. I was
thinking if you're hungry, you and l...

Maybe later.

He's been crabby
since his girlfriend dumped him.

The kid's a stone-cold bummer, Alan.

Okay, well,
thanks for dropping him off.

- You're welcome.
- Oh, hey, Herb.

By any chance, do you wanna go out
and maybe grab a bite?

- Really? You and me?
- Sure, why not?

It's kind of weird, isn't it?
You're the ex-husband, I'm the current.

So we've got something in common.

- We do, don't we?
- Right.

Neither one of us
is having sex with Judith.

That's actually a little too close
to home.

Sorry. So, what do you think?

- I could eat.
- Let's go.

You ever been to Kabob Kingdom?

At the food court? I love that place.

- Hey, Berta, would you grab me a beer?
- Sure.

- Jake, grab your uncle a beer.
- Let him get it himself.

Sorry, I tried.

Numbnuts, take a beer out of
the fridge and bring it over here.

Fine.

Here.

Thank you. What's with the attitude?

You're the reason
Celeste broke up with me.

- You're still grinding on that?
- I'm still grinding on it. I love her.

Stop it. You love fart jokes and pie.

Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.

If you hadn't talked me into hanging out
with that girl, I'd still have all three.

Oh, come on, pal, at your age,
relationships aren't serious.

- They're just, you know, puppy love.
- No, no, this wasn't puppy love.

This was... dog love.

Trust me,
you have not had dog love yet.

I don't even think your father's
had dog love yet.

Not unless you count
getting bitch-slapped.

I promise, you'll get over this.

You'll meet somebody else,
you'll love her, she won't love you...

...she'll love you,
you'll love each other...

...but she's married to a cop
who catches you in a motel room...

...and beats you near to death
with his big police flashlight.

The point is,
you got a lot of living to do.

- Right, Berta?
- You don't wanna piss off a cop.

Thanks, Uncle Charlie. You've really
given me a lot to think about.

Hey, hey, hey.
Nobody likes a smartass.

Not so sexy when it happens to you,
is it?

I give up, Herb.
How do you tell a kabob to be quiet?

Shh! Kabob.

Very clever, very clever.

When you're a pediatrician,
you need a lot of kid-friendly jokes.

Sometimes when I use the little reflex
hammer, I pretend I'm an Indian.

Hai, hai, hai, hai!

It's not politically correct,
but the tykes love it.

Oh, boy, I wish my doctor
had a sense of humor.

Every time I have a prostate exam,
I say:

"What? You're not gonna
buy me dinner first?"

- And nothing. Not even a smile.
- Really? Because that's a beaut.

That's what I thought,
but most people just don't get me.

Well, that's their loss.

Excuse me. Uh-oh.

Hi, Judith.

I just stopped for a bite to eat.

I know you have leftover meatloaf.

Probably leftover
from when I was married to her.

Shh!

What?

That was Alan.

- Yes, that Alan.
- Hi, Judith.

No, no, Jake's not here,
just the two of us.

No, I have not lost my mind.

Whoa. Whoa.
Calm down. Judith, calm down.

Can we talk about this
when I get home?

All right, bye.

She says "hi" back.

- Sorry to get you in trouble.
- No trouble. I'm a grown man.

I can have lunch with whoever I want.

- Right.
- So how's the chiropractor biz?

Well, it's been a little slow,
with the economy.

But I'm starting to see
a little turnaround...

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Oh, Celeste

You are the best

With you I was blessed

But I failed the test

And now I'm depressed

Celeste

You might as well

Take my heart

Out of my chest

And mail it

All the way to Budapest

- Got a minute?
- I'm busy.

Yeah, I heard. Budapest. Very catchy.

What do you want?

I want to apologize for sending you
down a bad road with your girlfriend.

- Well, forget it. I'm gonna get her back.
- Good. Good. So, what's the plan?

I'm gonna finish my song
and then sing it to her.

Okay. Is that the entire plan?

No.

I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.

Ohh. Pulling out the big guns.

Yup.

Can I offer an alternative plan?

- I don't want any more plans from you.
- Understandable.

I'd be a little skeptical in your shoes,
but just hear me out.

The song, good as it is,
it smacks of desperation.

Thank you.

No. No. I mean, girls don't generally
respond to desperation.

- How do you know?
- Are you kidding?

I've been watching your father
get shot down for 25 years.

It's like living
with an Air Force training film.

Listen, if you really wanna
get Celeste back...

...you man up, go to her house, admit
you made a mistake with the other girl...

...you realize now Celeste
is one in a million, blah, blah, blah...

...and if she doesn't ever
wanna see you again, you understand.

And then sing her the song?

Forget the song.

Okay.

Do I really say "blah, blah, blah"?

Alan, wait.

- You forgot your kabob.
- Oh, thank you.

- You're welcome.
- And thanks again for driving.

- It was fun.
- Yeah, I had a good time too.

I'm glad.
So we should do it again sometime.

- I'd like that.
- Great. Great.

I'm gonna go to the flea market
tomorrow. You wanna join me?

Tomorrow? Oh, gee. I don't know.

- Oh, I'm sorry, it's probably too soon.
- No, no.

- No, it's not, it's just...
- Judith. I know. I know.

- I'm just not sure what to tell her.
- You can tell her the truth.

What is the truth, Alan?

- That we're friends.
- We are friends, aren't we?

- Okay, friend. I'll see you tomorrow.
- It's a date.

Oh! Jake. Jake. Hi, buddy.

I don't care, I got my own problems.

Oh, Celeste

I am congested

With love

For my Celested

Yeah

- Did you talk to her?
- Yeah.

- How'd it go?
- Not so good.

- You sang that song, didn't you?
- No, I did exactly what you said.

I told her I'm sorry,
I made a mistake...

...and she's one in a million,
blah, blah, blah.

Okay, just to be clear,
you didn't really say "blah, blah, blah"?

- I'm not an idiot, Uncle Charlie.
- No, no, of course not. Then what?

I said if she never wants
to see me again, I'd understand.

- And what did she say?
- "I never want to see you again."

- Ouch.
- Ouch? That's it? That's all you've got?

Well, you know, look at the bright side.
You got a great song out of it.

Ten more girls peeing on you,
you got an album.

Or a fetish.

Okay, well...

...say no to drugs.

Oh, hey, Judith.
Just came by to pick up Herb.

- We're going to the flea market.
- No, you're not.

- What do you mean? I just talked to him.
- I discussed it with Herb.

We decided it's not in anyone's best
interest for you to spend time together.

You both decided that, huh?

- Yes.
- Lf you don't mind...

...l'd like to hear it from Herb.
- I do. You hanging out is wrong.

It's unnatural.

Excuse me, but I have done
a few unnatural things in my day...

...and this is not unnatural.

- Goodbye, Alan.
- Our marriage, that was unnatural.

You can't do this, Judith.
You cannot keep us apart.

Herb and I will find a way
to be together.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- That must've sounded kind of strange.
- Not at all.

Herb is a very handsome man.

- Hey, I brought you another soda.
- Thanks.

Believe me, Jake,
you'll get over Celeste.

I don't want to.
I think she was the one.

The one what?

The one who was pretty
and liked me...

...and maybe was gonna let me
do stuff to her someday.

And you think there's only one
of those out there?

What do you think?

It doesn't matter what I think.

Jake, you gotta start looking
at this differently.

Women are kind of like the little boxes
of cereal in one of those variety packs.

- I like the variety packs.
- I know you do.

They should put in more sugary cereals
and less cereals that help you poop.

No argument.

But my point is the variety-pack
approach gives you a choice.

It's not that great a choice.

In a pack of eight,
there's at least three pooping cereals.

We're getting away from the point.
What's your favorite cereal?

It used to be Franken Berry,
but Froot Loops now.

- Terrific.
- They don't get soggy as fast.

- Got it.
- Milk tastes better afterward.

Okay, okay, okay.
So imagine Celeste is Froot Loops.

You like her now, but who's to say
she isn't tomorrow's Franken Berry?

You're wrong.
Celeste will always be my Froot Loops.

You can't know that. Look at me.

I've been with a lot of women, but I
only recently found the love of my life.

Well, no disrespect,
but I don't wanna wait...

...till I'm as old and hard up as you are
to find a good girlfriend.

What? I said no disrespect.

You know, you make it really difficult
to love you sometimes.

Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Told you I'm not an idiot.

Herb.

Herb.

- Alan?
- Over here.

- Hi.
- Didn't want you to think I stood you up.

Oh. I know you'd never do that.
Judith just doesn't understand.

I know, and I'm sorry.

- But what are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

Well, maybe I'll see you
when I bring Jake back.

That'd be nice.

Bye.

Bye.

Alan, wait.

I'm coming with you.

But how?

- Be careful, you big galoot.
- I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'm not okay!

Oh, God. Herb, talk to me.

What's going on out here?

Alan, wait. Take me with you.

- I miss Celeste.
- I miss Chelsea.

I miss Herb.

I mean, Sex and the City.
I miss Sex and the City.

Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.

I guess that's just what our lives
have come down to.

Three pathetic, lonely guys watching
television on a Sunday night.

Oh, crap, it's Sunday night.

- Chelsea's flying into LAX.
- You going to pick her up?

No, I'm gonna call her a cab
and take a Viagra.

Well, buddy, I guess it's you and me.

No disrespect, Dad,
but that just makes it worse.

I said no disrespect.

Why doesn't that ever work?

Hello?

Yeah, this is Jake.

Oh, hi, Nicole.

Yeah, I broke up with Celeste.

Now? Sure. See you in a few.

- I'm gonna meet Nicole at the pier.
- Who's Nicole?

I'm not really sure.

- Herb.
- We haven't got much time.

Judith thinks I'm in physical therapy.

Well, then let's make the most of it.