Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 7, Episode 10 - That's Why They Call It 'Ball Room' - full transcript

Charlie discovers that Chelsea hasn't been completely honest about her finances.

You don't have to be
a prisoner of depression.

Unlock the door
of darkness and despair...

... and step into the sunlight
with Lumitrol.

If you're taking an MAO inhibitor,
consult your physician.

- Tremors, nausea...

You should try that stuff.

What for? I'm not depressed.

- Really? Why not?
- What have I got to be depressed about?

You've been divorced twice,
you live on your brother's couch...

...and your only child
is flunking tenth grade.

You're flunking tenth grade?
When did this happen?

Easy, dude. I think you got
bigger things to worry about.

Charlie, you're being an ass about this.

I said no. End of discussion.

Yeah, that'll do it.

It's a couple dance lessons so we
don't look like idiots at our wedding.

I've said yes to everything
having to do with this stupid wedding...

...but this is too much.

- You think our wedding is stupid?
- Lf I have to dance it is.

You know what, just drop dead.

Fine, I'll drop dead
and you can dance on my grave.

You do know you're going to be taking
dancing lessons?

Oh, yeah.

Does that depress you?

- A little.
- May I suggest you try Lumitrol.

- What?
- Unless you're taking an MAO inhibitor.

In which case, consult your physician.

Hard to believe
he's flunking tenth grade.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you cave on the dancing?

- Yeah.
- You have to grovel?

Like a leper at a kissing booth.

Did you at least get make-up sex?

- Nope.
- Wow, it's like you're already married.

I might as well give her my testicles...

...and use the empty sack
as a man purse.

Hey, hey, don't knock the man purse.
Terrific way to carry your keys...

...ChapStick, sunblock, moist wipes.

Please move out of my house.

Hey, face it, big brother, we're a team.
Like Ernest and Julio Gallo.

Seriously, get some cardboard boxes,
fill them with your crap and go.

See, that's just misdirected anger.
You're not mad at me...'re mad at yourself for trading
your dignity and self-respect...

...for security,
peace of mind and regular sex.

Where do you get that?

I've been married twice, Julio.

The key is to make the best of it.
Like the dance lessons.

They can be fun.
You and Chelsea practicing...

...learning to glide across
the dance floor as a single organism...

...embracing the music
like the breath of life itself.

Okay, first decorate my house
then move out.

You'll see on your wedding day...

...when you step out onto
the dance floor with your new bride...

...and sweep her into your arms
with everybody watching.

- Sorry, I can't see it.
- Let me help you.

Precious and few
Are the moments

We two can share

How'd you know
that's the song she wants?

Who do you think suggested it to her?

Okay. Let's see what you got.

- What?
- Dance with me. Come on.

Are you out of your mind?

- I'm just gonna give you a few tips.
- Keep your tip away from me.

You can embarrass yourself now...

...or embarrass yourself
at your first dance class... front of Chelsea
and a bunch of strangers.

Okay, I just want you to know
I'm only letting you touch me...

...because I'm half in the bag.

Boy, if I had a nickel
for every time I heard that.

Now, put your right hand
on my lower back.

- And your left hand holds my right hand.
- Okay.

Whoa, whoa. We're not cracking walnuts.

Firmly but gently,
like you hold a baby bird.

I've never held a baby bird.

Okay, like you hold a boob.

- I am holding a boob.
- Ha, ha.

We start with a simple waltz.
You're the boy, I'm the girl.

That's how it'd break down in prison.

I don't know, Charlie,
you've always been the pretty one.

And one, two, three,
two, two, three..., two, three, two, two, three.

Okay, you have to back off a half step.

There's no groin contact
in ballroom dancing.

I wonder if that's why
they call it "ball room."

Man, your grandmother really did
a number on those poor bastards.

It's a miracle I turned out
as well as I did.

Hey, Uncle Charlie,
wanna dance with me?

Hey, Jake,
wanna live in a foster home?


Don't sass me, boy.
I'll take the switch to you.

Hello, man of my dreams.

Hello, love of my life.

Hello, reason I go to therapy.

You go to therapy
because you're weak.

I'm weak because you broke my spirit
at age 5.

Oh, boo-hoo for you.

Guys, guys,
can we please not do this?

- What?
- Just saying hello.

I'm gonna go put this stuff away.
Thanks for the scarf.

My pleasure, dear.
It looks beautiful on you.

Thank you.

- That woman is just a treasure.
- I know.

- Worth her weight in gold.
- Yes, she is.

Speaking of which, have you
talked to her about a prenup?

What? No, I'm not gonna ask her
for a prenup.

Charles, 50 percent of all marriages
end in divorce.

And guess which half the guys
who can't keep it in their pants fall into?

Hey, I have never once cheated
on Chelsea.

- How long have you known her?
- About a year and a half.

How long do you plan on
being married?

Criminy, I need a prenup.

And one, two, three, one, two, three.

Very nice, two, three.

You're doing great, sweetie.
Have you been practicing?

No, no. No. I'm a musician.
It's instinctive.

So the pictures Jake e-mailed me
of you and Alan...

...was just what,
a tender moment between brothers?

How old do kids have to be
before it's legal to punch them?

Oh, come on, you'd never hit Jake.

That's exactly what I want you to tell
Child Services.

I think it's great you cared
enough about this to practice.

So I get some points in the bank?

- Whole bunch.
- Good, good.

Hey, speaking of banks...

...l've been thinking.
Now don't overreact...

...but maybe we should talk about
the possibility of getting some kind of a...

What do you call them? ...prenup.

Sure. Want your lawyer
to draw it up or mine?

Now switch partners
with the couple to your left.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Are you two getting married?
- Yeah.

That's wonderful. It took me 38 years
to get my husband to dance with me.

Well, better late than never.

He's doing it now because I caught
him banging our church organist.


Wanna help a nice lady
give a little payback?


Hi. Missed you.

Me too.

So you were saying you're okay
with the prenup thing?

Yeah. I was trying to figure
out a way to bring it up.

Really? Why were you
gonna bring it up?

Well, I just think it's smart for both
of us to protect our property.

What property do you have?

Not a lot. Just a little real estate.

Real estate?

No big deal.
Just a few apartment buildings.

- Buildings?
And switch.

Keep walking, pal.

When were you planning on telling me
you own buildings?

I didn't think it was that important.

It's important enough for you
to want a prenup.

- You're the one who brought it up.
- But I'm not hiding anything from you.

You know everything I've got.
A house on the beach...

...a car in the garage and
a worthless douche in my guest room.

What about all the royalties
from your music?

Yeah, well, you've got buildings.

Just three.

- Just three?
- Why are you getting so upset?

I thought I knew you. I had no idea
you had some secret life as a slumlord.

I'm not a slumlord.

Two are in the marina
and one's in Brentwood.

- Oh, my God, that's even worse.
- Why?

We've been together
almost two years.

Would it have killed you to pick up
a check once in a while?


Hello again.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome for the first time...

... as husband and wife
Mr. And Mrs. Alan Harper.

Now I've had the time of my life

No, I never felt like this before

Yes, I swear
It's the truth

And I owe it all to you

Cos I had the time of my life

And I owe it all to you

Hey, how was dance lessons?

You wanna know
how dance lessons were?

I'll tell you how dance lessons were.
Chelsea wants a freaking prenup.

Just because you dance
like a middle-aged white guy?

- I am not middle-aged.
- Oh, sorry.

You. You're middle-aged.

I'm younger than you.

You're also broke, losing your hair
and sleeping on my hide-a-bed.

Always gotta bring a gun
to a knife fight, don't you?

- What the hell are you watching?
- It's my wedding video.

No kidding. Where am I?

In the coatroom
banging Judith's sister.

Oh, right. Wish you had that video.

So why does Chelsea want a prenup?

She's got three apartment buildings
she doesn't want me to get my hands on.

Anything I could live in for free?

You know, house-sit,
building manager in lieu of rent.

- How did this become about you?
- Fine, I'll stay here.

Oh, good, I was worried.

The point is, Chelsea's been keeping
a secret from me.

Maybe she wants to make sure you loved
her for herself and not her property.

Oh, so I don't even get the choice?

I would think you would be happy.

She's well-off
and doesn't care about your money.

- Which makes me trust her even less.
- What?

Alan, think it through.

If she's not interested in my money,
then why is she marrying me?

I have no idea.

Exactly. We may have to consider
the possibility that Chelsea's insane.

I see your point.

She look like she's sorry?

Yeah. Sorry she ever met you.

- Hey, Chels.
- Hello, Alan.

Brr. I think my nipples just got hard.

Yeah, well, too bad.

She deceived me and doesn't trust
our marriage is gonna last.

Aren't you the one
who wanted the prenup?

- That's different.
- How?

Because when I brought it up
I thought I had more stuff than her.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You're upset because you're marrying
a woman whose only character flaw... that she happens
to have her own money?

I knew you wouldn't understand.

So we take each other's hands

Cos we seem to understand the urgency

Just remember

You're the one thing

I can't get enough of

That's the last time
she ever moved her pelvis like that.

Are we gonna talk or are you
gonna sit there pretending to read?

I'm not pretending.

If I didn't know how to read,
I would've told you a long time ago.

I wouldn't have deceived you.

Don't be such a child.

I'm the child? You're the one
who's been keeping secrets.

It wasn't really a secret.
I would've told you if you'd asked.

Oh, really? So it's my fault
that I didn't ask if you're a land baron?

What else should I be asking you?

Were you born with a penis?
Is this your home planet?

- Okay, now you're being ridiculous.
- No.

What I'm being is committed
to this relationship.

Really? You're committed?

Yes, and I've jumped through hoops
to prove it.

- What hoops? Dancing lessons?
- No, not dancing lessons.

Yeah, okay, dancing lessons.

And meeting your mom.

And being nice to your friends,
even the ones that don't like me.

And letting you put
these pillows on my bed.

- Did I complain about that?
- Constantly.

And yet here they are.

With your frilly curtains
and your girly lamps.

It's like living inside
the I Dream of Jeannie bottle.

I'm supposed to be grateful because
you've behaved the way...

...a fianc? is supposed to behave
towards the woman he loves?

Oh, yeah, okay, I see.
Now you're gonna turn it around on me.

Make me the bad guy.

- Where are you going?
- I'm sleeping on the couch.

In my house.

Which you know I own because
I bragged about it the first night we met.

- Alan.
- What? What's wrong?

Chelsea and I had a fight.

I'm sorry. You wanna talk about it?

I just did. Now go sleep on the couch.

If you had the fight,
why do I have to sleep on the couch?

You ever hear of crap rolling uphill?

Get out.

Just using the word "please"
would go such a long way with me.

Fair enough. Please get out before
I pull your pajama bottoms up so far...'ll be wearing your balls
as a bolo tie.

There, was that so hard?

I'm sorry for keeping a secret
from you.

Is there any way I can make it up
to you?

Okay, I would be remiss...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- You let me lay naked on you.
- I didn't know it was you.

I thought it was a dream.
I didn't know what to say.

And you're so soft and so warm...

Oh, I deserved that.

- What the hell is going on in here?
- Your brother's a pervert!

You woke me up to tell me that?

I came down here to apologize
for keeping a secret.

It was dark,
and I thought it was you... I laid down naked on him
and he let me.

You let Chelsea lie... Wait a minute.
You came down to apologize?


So you're saying I'm right
and you're wrong?

Yes. You're right.

Excuse me, I didn't quite get that.

Do you wanna gloat or do you wanna
let me make it up to you?

Make up. I choose make up.

- Then come on.
- Right behind you.

You sick freak.

Still worth it.

Alan's bed-wetting stopped.

At least I hope it did
for the sake of the honeymoon.

Unless, of course,
you're into that kind of thing.

To Alan and Judith.


And now I'd like
to introduce the best man...

...although I consider him
to be a bitter disappointment...

...Alan's brother, Charlie.





What's going on?

You're making a toast
to your brother and his bride.

How am I doing?

Make the toast.


Can I throw in a word
about the bride's sister?

- No.
- Got it.

Well, just FYI,
that word would've been "nasty."

Don't look at me like that, Judy.
Your sister's a freak.

She's a super freak, super freak

She's super freaky
Super freak, super freak