Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 4 - The Flavin' and the Mavin' - full transcript

[CHUCKLES]

I really appreciate you getting up so early
and driving me to work.

I owe you one. Heh.

You owed me one
when I didn't smother you in your crib.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, then I owe you two. Ha, ha.

My car will be out of the shop
in a couple of days. There was a...

A terrible knock in the engine. Like a:

[CLICKING]

[CHUCKLES]

I kept saying, "Come in," but nobody did.
Ha-ha-ha.



Ooh, carpool lane. That's us. We should...

- Shut up.
- Right.

[SIGHS]

It's 7:00.
Where are all these damn people going?

Ha, I know, right?
I deal with that every day.

It's very frustrating.

Sometimes I dream
about buying a cabin in the woods and...

- I said shut up.
- Yes, you did.

[SIGHS]

People going that way should switch jobs
with the people going this way...

...and everybody can leave
their freaking cars in the garage.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, that's a...
That's a hell of an idea.

Right on. Ha, ha.



- Don't patronize me.
- Sorry.

Wait a minute.
How are you getting back to Malibu?

- Uh, I was... Uh, I was hoping... Charlie.
- No.

- Take the bus.
- There's no bus from Tarzana to Malibu.

Then take a series of busses.

And don't get stuck
on having to end up in Malibu.

Ugh, Charlie...

Come on. It's just for a couple of days.

That's what Mom said when she brought
you home from the hospital.

[CHUCKLES]

Good one.

You're a very funny man, Ollie.

You certainly are.

It's... Laurel and Hardy.

Boy, they used to...
They used to get in some wacky jams, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, what about, uh, Abbott and Costello?

[AS COSTELLO]
Hey, Abbott!

[LAUGHS]

Or, uh... Or, uh, Martin and Lewis.
You know...

[AS LEWIS]
Hey, lady!

With the flavin and the maving
and the wow.

Three Stooges? Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[CHUCKLES]

ALAN:
Whoa, why are we stopping?

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, a wise guy. Ow!

Okay, I don't mind the good-natured
brotherly punching...

...but you did not have
to twist my nipples.

You're lucky I didn't rip them off
and feed them to you.

Um, if you have to go to the bathroom,
there's one down the hallway.

- What's wrong with the one in your office?
- Uh, it's not for guests.

Neither is my house.

Um, I think we're out of paper towels.

I'll wipe my hands on you.
Get out of the way.

[ALAN SIGHS]

Morning, Dr. Harper.

Morning, Melissa.

Hello, Melissa.

You rat bastard.

The bathroom is down the hallway
on the right.

Good to know.

Hi. I'm Charlie, Alan's brother.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.

- Thought you had to tinkle.
- Go away.

So how long have you been working
for my baby brother?

About six months.

Wow. He's been keeping you a secret
for six months?

Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute?

There's no reason to thank me
for the ride again, Alan.

Mi Mercedes, su Mercedes.

It's what brothers do when one
is vastly more fortunate than the other.

Seriously, we need to talk.

Excuse us.

- She is the best receptionist I've ever had.
- I'm hoping to say the same.

God, Charlie, please do not crap
where I work.

Hey, you crap where I live.

- So tell me about her.
- Oh, there's nothing to tell.

She's, uh... She's a terrific employee.
She does my scheduling, my books.

My patients love her. She keeps
the operation running like clockwork...

...and she does it all
for crappy pay and no benefits.

So you're not hitting that?

No, I'm not hitting that.

And even if I were hitting that,
I wouldn't use the phrase "hitting that."

It's a violent image for a beautiful act.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the coast is clear?

No, the coast is not clear.

The coast is foggy and strewn
with dangerously pointy rocks.

Can I get either of you a cup of coffee?

- No.
- Sure.

No for both of us. Please leave.

All right.

- Bye, Melissa.
- Bye, Charlie.

Hope I see you again.

Oh, you'll see me tonight
when I come back to pick up your boss.

Oh. Oh, no, Charlie. You don't have to make
that long drive. I'll take the bus.

- I thought there were no busses.
- Lf I have to, I'll charter one.

Why don't I just give you a ride home?

Oh, that is so sweet of you.

You got a real gem here, Alan.

Tell you what,
when you get him home...

...there'll be a cold margarita
waiting for you out on my deck.

Which overlooks the ocean.

On the beach.

In Malibu.

That sounds wonderful.

It's really not. It's chilly, damp
and covered with pelican poop.

That's why he'll never win
the Malibu-slogan contest.

Ha, ha! Ahem.

- See you tonight, Melissa.
- Bye, Charlie.

- Have a great day, bro.
- I hate you.

I hate you too.

Gee, your brother is really cute.

As a bug.

- Bathroom?
- Oh, let me give you the key.

- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.

You are a doll.

You are cute.

She's actually a doll.

I wonder if she's anatomically correct.

[MELISSA LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

Who's the Smurf?

The Smurf is my receptionist.

You're letting Charlie hit that?

Okay, first of all,
that is a very ugly phrase.

And second, I'm not letting him.

Short of drugging him and dumping
him in the woods, what can I do?

Yeah. He is like an Alabama bloodhound
once he gets a whiff.

[CHUCKLES]

[MELISSA LAUGHING]

Now it's just a matter of waiting
till it blows up in my face.

And after it blows up in my face, it will
then circle around and bite me in the ass.

That's me. No face, no ass.

Well, that's what you get
when you mix work and personal.

Which is why me and Charlie have always
kept everything strictly professional.

Yeah.
Yeah, I've often wondered about that.

When I first started work here,
I laid down the law: Lookie, no touchy.

Yipes.

All right. I'll make you another,
but you gotta promise not to chug this one.

Promise.

What a fun gal.

Do you know how hard it is
to find a decent receptionist?

Well, kudos, bro. You did a great job.

Thank you.
And I really don't wanna lose her.

- Why would you lose her?
- Oh, gee, I don't know.

Maybe because my brother intends to defile
and discard her like a warm melon.

A warm melon?

Nothing.

Anyway, my point is...

...uh, you're gonna leave her with memories
that can only be erased...

...by removing herself from anything
that reminds her of you. Like me.

- Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?
- Yes, that's what I'm worried about.

What did you think?
What else would I be worried about?

Well, let's see.

Your receding hairline,
your semiliterate son...

...your budding man boobs,
but that's just off the top of my head.

- Charlie, please, l... I am begging you...
- Look, I understand your concerns.

It's not like that.
I think Melissa is terrific.

Oh, you always think they're terrific.
They're terrific before, they're terrific during.

It's the after when the crying
and quitting start.

Why is it always about you?

Aren't I entitled to some happiness?

You've had your share of happiness.

You've had your share of happiness,
my share, everybody's share.

You've sucked the marrow of happiness
from the bones of...

Oh, just leave her alone, won't you?

Alan, you don't have to worry.
You're thinking about the old Charlie.

The old hump them and dump them,
one-track-mind Charlie.

Oh. Oh, right. The old Charlie
from way back this morning.

I'm serious. I honestly wanna start
building a relationship.

- Really?
- Yeah. Get to know someone.

Let her get to know me, have something
in common before we jump into bed.

- Wow. I'm impressed.
- That I'm growing up?

No, that you can so easily lie to my face.

You'll see.
It's gonna be different with Melissa.

I'm gonna take my time,
form a friendship...

...bond emotionally and then, and only then,
take it to the next level.

[BED SQUEAKING]

MELISSA:
Oh, Charlie.

You schmuck.

Morning, Dr. Harper.

Morning.

I like your jammies.

Thank you. I, uh... I like your...

Thank you.

Guess you're kind of surprised
to see me, huh?

Yeah, shocked.

Well, I hope you know
it is not the kind of thing I usually do.

You know, hop into bed
with a fella zippity quick.

- It's really none of my business.
- Well, I don't.

But Charlie is so sweet and special.

Yep, he's a treasure.

Yeah, and this works out well for you.

Really? Uh, how do you figure?

Since your car's still in the shop,
we can carpool to and from work.

I see. So you'll be coming back?

Oh, yeah.

Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.

- No kidding.
- Yeppers.

We really made a connection.

And it is not just physical.

Although the physical part is amazing.

Again, none of my business.

It is like I have known him all my life.

I know the feeling. You get over it.

Hey, baby.

Hey, yourself.

Mm. Do I smell toast?

You do. Would you like a slice?
I can put butter and jelly on it.

Oh, d?j? vu.

MELISSA:
Ah! Stop it! Terrible.

Whoo!

[MELISSA CLEARS THRO AT]

Sorry, Dr. Harper.

That's okay. I wasn't even listening.

I'm gonna take a shower.
Hit the road in about 20 minutes?

- I thought you were gonna call in sick.
- Shush!

He's kidding. It's...

It's okay. Twenty minutes is fine.

Great.

[SIGHS]

Alan, you know me as a cynical man...

...but in just one night, that little pixie
has melted this cold, lonely heart.

You don't say.

You may not believe me,
but there is something going on here.

I really wanna thank you
for bringing her into my life.

I may not believe you.

You know what? Fine.
Think what you want.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

...l'm gonna go play Paul Bunyan
Takes a Shower in Tiny Town.

Sorry we're running late.

That's all right.

Shower lasted
a bit longer than I planned.

Yeah, well, uh, that happens.

I gotta tell you,
I am just crazy about your brother.

Swell.

Hope it works out.

And how is a guy like that still single?

Well, uh, he's always been a bit
of a butterfly, you know.

Fluttering through life, hard to pin down.

And being a fall-down drunk is kind of
a speed bump for some of the ladies.

[GIGGLES]

Such a jokester, Dr. Harper.

[ALAN CHUCKLES]

Either that or put a gun in my mouth.

Oh, listen. On the way home,
we have to swing by my apartment...

...so I can get some clothes
for the weekend.

ALAN:
Mm-hm.

And I'm gonna need a little extra time
for lunch today.

Wanna buy some sexy lingerie, heh...

...for, you know.

I do.

Can I pick you up anything?

Yeah, yeah, um, ear plugs would be nice.

And that gun I mentioned.

Nothing special.

I'm only gonna use it just the once.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hey, Jake.
- Hey. Gotta hit the crapper.

You must be Judith.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

I'm Melissa, Dr. Harper's receptionist.
We talk on the phone all the time.

Oh, right, Melissa.
It's nice to finally meet you.

Alan!

Oh. Oh, hey. Hey. Hi, uh, hi, Judith.

This is Melissa. Melissa, Judith.

It's not what it looks like.
Charlie's doing her, not me.

- And, uh, where is Charlie anyway?
- Taking a nap.

ALAN: Hmm.
- He says I drain him.

Isn't that adorable?

Adorable, disturbing, whatever.

Uh, thanks, I've got this.

Your brother and your receptionist?

What? The Volvo's in the shop.
He twisted my nipples...

...and peed in my office.
- What?

I'm not thrilled, but what can I do?

You could think about the effect
these shenanigans have on your son.

Okay, you know what, Judith?
I have enough problems.

If you're not comfortable leaving Jake here
for the weekend, then take him home.

Nice try, Alan.

You think Uncle Charlie and Melissa
are coming down for lunch?

I doubt it.

- Can I have their chicken?
- Knock yourself out.

You know how you say
I can ask you anything?

- Yeah?
- Is them being together weird for you?

No, no.

Well, you're a better man than I.

- How so?
- Well, remember when Uncle Charlie...

...was hitting my fifth-grade teacher?
- Okay.

Can we please stop calling it "hitting"?

I got another word,
but I don't think you're gonna like it.

Fine. Fine, then I do remember when
he was hitting your fifth-grade teacher.

- That kind of bugged me.
- Well, I'm sorry.

- Don't think there should be boundaries?
- I do think that.

But I thought you said it's not weird
he's hitting your receptionist.

Ah, uh, well, pal, um, the thing is, um...

...Daddy lied.

- Oh, then it is weird for you?
- Yes, yes, it's weird for me.

- Are you jealous?
- Uh, no, no.

Because I was a little bit jealous
about Miss Pasternak.

She had a rocking bod.

[ALAN SIGHS]

Eat your chicken.

Melissa?

We, uh, need to get a move on.
A lot of traffic, what with the rain and all.

CHARLIE: We need a minute, Alan.
- Oh, God.

What can they do in a minute
that they didn't do all weekend?

MELISSA:
You are just a selfish son of a bitch...

...and you can go right to hell!

[SOBBING]

Sorry, Dr. Harper. I'll be in the car.

Well, that could've gone better.

I knew it.

I thought it might take longer
than 48 hours, but I knew it.

Hey, hey, hey.
A little sensitivity would be appreciated.

I'm hurting here.

I'm sure a lot of that is friction burn.

- Whoa, whoa, where does that come from?
- Oh, where does it come from?

It comes from a long history
of you using my life as a specimen cup.

Excuse me,
but you're still talking about the old Charlie.

This Charlie was hoping to have
a relationship of substance and depth.

By locking a stranger in your room
and hitting it for two days straight?

Okay, mea culpa.

Change is hard.

And now that I'm hearing it,
I agree with you.

"Hitting it" is an ugly term.

- Don't change the subject. What happened?
CHARLIE: Nothing.

[CHARLIE GARGLES]

I just said to her
maybe we should slow things down...

...see other people.

What...? You said this after the two days?

How could I know beforehand?

I thought you'd be happy. You didn't want
me to go out with her in the first place.

Yes, but it's no longer the first place.
It's the last place.

What can I tell you, Alan?
I made a mistake.

I rushed to love.

No, no.

Your mistake was you rushed to love
my receptionist.

The woman I depend upon
to run my business.

Oh, she's a good kid. She'll get over it.

[CAR HONKING]

You hear that? Does that sound
like a woman who's getting over it?

Well, Alan, the wounds are fresh.

- You're gonna need to be patient.
- Why should I have to be patient?

Well, you have to work with her.

[CAR HONKING]

And it sounds like you better get going.

Sure you don't wanna come back
to my office and hump my fax machine?

Wow. You still have a fax machine?

You're despicable.

- Alan, wait.
- What?

- Let me make it up to you.
- How could you make it up to me?

Well, I'm guessing she won't be inclined
to bring you back here tonight...

...so why don't you take a cab
and I'll pay for it?

Thanks.

That makes up for everything.

I'm talking cab, not town car.

Oh, man.

[SIGHS]

Breakups are so hard.

Ow!

Huh.

I do have a little friction burn.

That miserable son of a bitch.

You might wanna extend your brake zone
on the wet roads. It's a little...

- I'm so stupid.
- No, no, no. You're not stupid.

You're a dear, sweet, remarkably bright...

Truck. Watch out for the truck!
Watch out for the truck!

[SHRIEKING]

- I want a raise.
- Sure, sure.

- And health insurance.
- A given. Can't believe you don't have it.

- And a paid vacation.
- Hang on a second. There's only...

Aah! Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks!