Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 3 - Damn You, Eggs Benedict - full transcript

Alan tries to date two women at once and Charlie tries to learn how to cook. Jake tells Alan that he's studying with a friend, but he gets drunk instead.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'd rather not say.

I'm trying to open these cinnamon buns.

- Why?
- I thought I'd try and do a little baking.


You drunk?

- Little bit.
- Mm.

Why is it childproof?

Are kids OD'ing on this stuff?

Have you considered
reading the instructions?

Ooh, listen to Mr. College Boy.

"To open,
strike sharply on edge of counter."

- Really?
- Really.

All right, I'll play along.

I christen thee HMS Kitchen Table.


I think we got a bad bun tube.

Give me.

Just gotta know how to whack it.

I bow to your superior expertise.

- So how come you're all spiffed up?
- I've got a date.

Oh, two nights in a row.

So who's the glutton for punishment?

At the risk of tooting my own horn,
I am actually seeing two different women.

- Wow, two women.
- Yeah.

And yet you're still tooting
your own horn.

You know what's fun?

When you can talk them into tooting
each other's horns.

- I'm not seeing them at the same time.
- Well, that makes it more difficult.

But not impossible.

You put the icing on
after it comes out of the oven, right?

Right. Drizzle, don't squeeze.

Thus spake the whacker.

So, what prompted this break
from serial monogamy?

I just got tired of putting all my eggs
in one basket.

- The basket being a woman?
- Yes.

And the eggs being your bun tube?

No. See, the thing is, when I'm just dating
one woman at a time...

- ...if she dumps me-
- When she dumps you.

Either way, I have to start from scratch
finding a new woman.

However, when I'm dating two women,
if one of them dumps me-

When one of them dumps you.

Either way, I'm not alone.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

You're saying
that it's advantageous to date...

...more than one woman at a time?

Good lord, man, you're a genius.

Yeah, ha, ha.

We must tell other men.

- Okay, maybe I'm a little late to the party.
- A little late?

The girl already jumped out of the cake
and everybody's had a piece.

Well, late or not, I'm here.

When it comes
to 40-year-old divorced moms... the San Fernando Valley,
I'm quite the catch.

- I'm not surprised.
- You're not?

Lights out at fat camp,
a jellybean is steak tartare.

Hey, I'm- I'm single, employed,
disease-free, well-read, cute as a bug...

...and perfectly capable of pretending
to like other people's children.

Impressive. Did these broads know...

...that you're dipping your chip
in the salsa and the guacamole?

- What?
- You know.

Hitting two piñatas with one stick.

Topping off both tanks
with the same hose.

Throwing your balls down two alleys.

Still don't get it?

No, I got it, and, uh- And thank you, um,
but, no, they don't know.

These are divorced moms trolling for
a new schmuck to replace the old schmuck.

And you let them think
that might be you?

It's not like I have to lie.
Look at me, I scream schmuckdom.

They're rising. It's a miracle.

Yes, the miracle of yeast.

I gotta go.

Go, my son.

Drizzle thy frosting on the divorced
sticky buns of the valley.

You're a great cook, Uncle Charlie.

It's no big deal.

Those chefs on TV act like
they're curing leprosy or something.

Can you make meatloaf?

Does it come in a tube?

No. God, it comes on a plate.

Can I have some of that?

- Beer? No.
- Why not?

Because when you're 14,
you don't ask your uncle for beer.

Who do I ask?

I don't know.
Uh, try hanging outside a liquor store...

...and look for a guy wearing house slippers
and talking to himself.

What's his name?

You can't have any beer, Jake.

Man, I thought you were cool.

I am.
And you know what makes me cool?

The fact that your opinion
means less than squat to me.

How old were you
when you had your first beer?

Thirteen- Two. Thirty-two.

- Yeah, right.
- Listen, we're talking about you.

- What about me?
- Well, it's like this.

Alcohol is for people
who can afford to lose a few brain cells.

Yeah, so?

I rest my case.

What case?

Morning, buddy.
How do you like your eggs?

In an Easter basket.

Scrambled it is.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- What you doing?
- Cooking breakfast.

- How do you like your eggs?
- Sunny side up.

Scrambled it is.

" Cooking for Dummies "?

No offense, Jake.
I'm actually cooking for everybody.

What brought this on?

I don't know.
I thought I'd expand my horizons a bit.


- What?
- I'm just trying to figure out... scrambled eggs
are gonna get you laid.

- You and me both.
- Ha.

I got it.


Oh. Oh, hi, Stephanie.

Yeah, yeah, I, uh-
I had a great time too.

Yes, it was special.

Uh, I don't usually do that
on a first date either.

Thank you for letting me do that,
by the way.

- Uh, uh, tonight? Uh, oh, gee. Uh-
CHARLIE: Hey, Alan.

- How do you like your eggs?
- Uh, uh, one sec.

Um, Stephanie wants to see
me tonight, but I made a date with Katie.

Scrambled it is.


Uh, uh, the thing is,
uh, I already made plans...

...uh, with my, uh, you know, son,
who I love dearly.

- What are we doing?
- Nothing. Go away.

Oh, oh, what are we doing?

Uh, uh, well, he and I have this, uh,
this father-son thing...

...uh, where, once a week, we, uh-

- Rent go-karts.
- Rent go-karts, and, uh- And, uh-

- Eat pizza.
- And eat pizza. And, uh- And-

- And drink beer.
- And drink-

Go away.

Uh, and drink, uh, a lot of water...

...which the body needs to, uh,
to stay healthy.

Um, anyway,
we're on for Saturday, right?

Oh, okay. Uh, uh, great, great.
Good. I'll see you then.

Okay, bye.

- We're not going go-karting, are we?
- No.

You're using me
for your own purposes, aren't you?

Here's $20.

Hey, Alan, taste these.

Why does it smell like bourbon?

The book said, "Season to taste."

Just kidding, I spilled.

No, thank you.

Suit yourself.


A little too much egg.

Jake, let's go. I told your mother
I'd have you back by 7.

Hey, Alan, Alan, Alan.

Would you taste
my hollandaise sauce?

- You made hollandaise sauce?
- You tell me.

You did not make hollandaise sauce.

Damn you, eggs Benedict.

Charlie, why are you doing this?

- Doing what?
- In the six years I have been here...

...the only time I've seen you
turn on the stove was to light a cigar.

Yeah, well, people grow, people change.

People get drunk
while watching the Food Network.

Jake, let's go!

Uh, I may not be back till late.

Uh, I'm planning on giving my rose
to Bachelorette Number 2.

Wow. Only you could gay up
banging two women.

Says the man in the apron
with the curdled hollandaise sauce.

So you admit it is hollandaise sauce.

Drop me off at Gabe's house
so we can study.

- Oh, you're really gonna study?
- Sure.


See that?
He respects me enough to lie to me.

Hey, Alan, speaking of lies.

At some point, one of these broads
is gonna ask you a question...

...for which you will have no answer.

- Like what?
- It could be as simple as:

"What did you do last night?"

Or as tricky as, "Why is there a pasty
stuck to your testicles?"

The point is, you need to be careful.

You're gonna teach me to lie to women?

Well, do you know enough
to pull the pasty off...

...and say, "Happy anniversary"?

I do now.

You need to remember:
always answer a question...

...with another question.

- What do you mean?
- Exactly.

- What?
- Great, you're all set.

- Drunk again?
- Yep.

Well, uh, thank you.

- Uh, I appreciate the advice.
- I've got more.

Uh, Charlie, please don't take this
the wrong way...

...but if a semi-functioning wino
such as yourself...

...can date several women at the same time,
I'm quite certain I can handle two.

Why would I take that the wrong way?

Ugh. Tastes like stale ass.

Mm. Oh. Is it just me, or does this thing
we have feel really, really comfortable?

- Oh, yeah.
- Ha, ha.

I mean, you know, maybe not
pet-names-for-our-pee-parts comfortable...

...but, uh, we're certainly getting there.

Oh, hey, next week, my ex is taking
my daughter to see his parents... you and I can spend
the whole weekend in bed.

That sounds great.

I'll leave myself alone till then.

Oh, oh, oh. Wait, wait.

Uh- Uh, uh, next weekend?

Ahh, uh, you know, ah,
I'll have to check...

...but I think Saturday is, uh...

...a working Saturday for me.

Oh, no, really?

Yeah, yeah. It's unfortunate,
but in today's economic climate...

...uh, Saturday is no longer the Sabbath
for anybody, except religious Jewish people.

You know, the guys with the beards
and the hats.

Uh, did you see Yentl? I love that movie.
That's one I wouldn't mind owning.

Alan, are you seeing another woman?

Charlie, are you seeing another woman?

Why would you ask me that?

I just need to know I can trust you.

Yeah, well, trust is a two-way street.

- I know.
- Do you?

Because without trust,
all we have is sex.

Well, you can trust me, Charlie.

God, I hope so.

I've been hurt before.

Aw. Well, I won't hurt you. I promise.

Okay, then.

- Another woman?
- Yeah.

Well, uh- Oh, you think I'm involved...

- ...with another woman? Heh.
- Yeah.

You actually think
I'm seeing someone else...

- the same time I'm seeing you?
- Yeah.

How did you know?

Uh, do you need to get that?

- Are you crazy?
- Mm. Ha.

Hey, it's Charlie.

Do your thing when you hear the beep.

JAKE: Hey, Uncle Charlie, it's me, Jakey.

I'm drunk. How are you?

Are you with a girl?
Does she have big ones?

Jake, where are you?

What mall?

They all have pretzel stands, you doofus.

Okay, you stay right where you are,
and I'll come get you.

We'll talk about that later.

They're big enough.

I love you too, buddy.

Yeah, we have shared
some good memories.

Okay, I'm hanging up now.

Do you have to go?

No, we got time.

What the heck took you so long?

Believe me, I came as quickly as I could.

What the hell is that?

- Soft pretzel. You want some?
- No, thanks.

It's got jalapeños.

You're gonna regret that.

- What do you mean?
- You'll see.

Where'd you get the booze?

I did what you told me to do.

Me and Gabe gave money
to a creepy guy to buy us beer.

Oh, Jake.

His name was Satellite Jack.

He said the government
stole his kidneys.

Is $20 too much for a six-pack?

Not when a guy with no kidneys
named Satellite Jack is buying it for you.

Where'd you get the $20?

- It was a bribe from my father.
- You're kidding.

I know. For a cheap guy,
he can be surprisingly generous.

That's true.

Deep down, I love him.

And I love you too.

Great, great. Everybody loves everybody.

So where's your friend?

Gabe? He ditched me when I started
throwing up. The bat rastard.

- Get out of the car.
- What?

I just had it detailed. Get out, get out.

All right, but I'm telling you,
I'm all done throwing up.

Ugh, I see what you mean
about those jalapeños.

My mom still thinks
I'm studying at Gabe's house... I don't think I should go home
at this time.

Well, what do you expect to do?

I don't know.
You up for an R-rated movie?

Boobies, no violence.


Step away from the car.

- Nope, false alarm.
- Wait for it.

Wait for what?

Oh, how about that?

- You get any on your shoes?
- A little.

There's a plastic bag in the trunk.

Remove your shoes
and place them in the bag...

...then seal it
and put it back in the trunk.


Then climb in after it.


- Alan.
- Surprise. Ha, ha.

I thought you were
with your son, go-karting.

Yeah, uh, listen, um...

...I lied about that.

But, you know, I can't lie anymore.

I was with another woman,
but all I could think about was you.

I'm a one-woman man,
and, baby, you're that woman.

Who is it, honey?
- Just a salesman.

Go away.

- Are you seeing someone else?
- Get lost.

But I thought we had something special.

Who's in there? Are you married?
Because I really thought I-

You know,
your body's sending you a message.

Yeah, it's saying I should really
chew my food more.

Look at that shrimp.
You could wash it off and serve it again.

Your body is also telling you
that alcohol is poison.

If it's poison, why do you drink it?

Because there are things inside of me
I need to kill.

You can't kill bad feelings with alcohol...

- ...Uncle Charlie.
- Right.

And you can't stuff your emotions
with cupcakes.

Believe me, I've tried.

I'm sure you have.

If you ever need to talk
about any of this stuff, I'm here for you.

Good to know.

Whoa, I felt that one in my nuts.

Hello? Anybody home?

Are you gonna rat me out?

Jake, buddy,
how could you even ask me that?

Hey, what's going on?

Jake took the 20 bucks you gave him
and got drunk with a friend.


Bad boy.

So how about a beer?

Never again.

Me neither.

You know what the problem is?

The women, the drinking?

You guys look at me
and you think it's easy.

What you don't see is all the years
of hard work and dedication it took... make me the happy-go-lucky
drunken ass-wrangler I am today.


Oh, sorry, baby.
I had a little family drama.

Remember, you said
if I gave you what you want...'d give me what I want.

Right, breakfast in bed.

- How do you like your eggs?
- Scrambled.


You know, young man...

...if I hadn't had been electrocuted
earlier this evening... and I'd be having a serious talk
right now.

Yeah, hold on.