Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 2 - Pie Hole, Herb - full transcript

Thanks, Mom.
This is a perfect first job for him.

First job?

I think you're looking at
the birth of a career.

I was gonna have him put up fliers,
but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.

- How much are you paying him?
- Obviously too much, look at him.

For the record, I promised him $20
and a Playboy magazine.

Playboy?

Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker
over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.

Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.

I should have hired a monkey.

You mean a different monkey.



So Little Jughead's earning a paycheck?

Well, it's not really a paycheck,
and he's not really earning it.

And we don't call him...

I guess I gotta give you Jughead.

I remember my first job.

Slaughterhouse.

Stripping out sheep intestines
for the condom companies.

Not as sexy as it sounds.

I was a fluffer in a pet salon.

You know, with a blow-dryer.

Huh. I was going
a completely different way.

What are you doing?

Thanks to Grandma, I'm reading
an interview with Jimmy Kimmel.

- Hey, Alan, you got any cash?
- Yeah, why?



- I need to borrow some.
- What for?

What are you, my mother?

Just give me a few bucks,
save me a trip to the ATM.

- When will I get it back?
- I don't know. Tomorrow?

Okay. How much do you need?

Just a couple hundred.

A couple hundred?
Who carries around that kind of money?

Well, let's see.
Strippers, bookies, prostitutes...

...and not entirely coincidentally, me.

Well, I've only got, uh, 35...
Uh, $38.

That's it?
That's your walking-around money?

It's the perfect amount
in case I get mugged.

Not so little that my attacker
would get angry and pistol-whip me...

...yet not so much
that I would fight for it...

...and possibly get shot
while wrestling for the gun.

- So you got $38?
- Yup.

Just out of curiosity...

...how much money would it take
to wrestle a gun from a mugger?

Assuming a small- to medium-sized mugger,
at least 40.

Fine. So give me the 38.

- All of it?
- Why not?

- Then I've got nothing.
- And you think $38 changes that?

What if I decide to go out
and have some fun?

Thirty-eight dollars won'th of fun?

I wouldn't spend all of it.

Okay. Okay, look.
You're not going out to have fun.

You never go out to have fun. Because
you know why? You're not a fun guy.

Oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just
have very different definitions of "fun"...

...and mine doesn't include
urinary-tract infections and dry heaving.

Just give me the money, you big fruit.

Thirty-eight dollars...

If it had been 40,
we'd be wrestling, my friend.

Hey, Charlie.

You got my money?

Charlie.

I'm trying to sleep, Alan.

I've gotta go to work
and you said you'd have my money.

- Oh, for God's sake.
- You don't even have to get up...

...just tell me where it is.

Well, the last I saw any of it...

...it was sandwiched between two
of the loveliest man-made breasts...

...that ever smacked me in the eye.

Oh, Charlie, you say the sweetest things.

Oh, Ginger, this is my brother, Alan.
Alan, Ginger.

Hi.

Hi. So bottom line,
you don't have my money?

- No.
- The money you promised...

...to pay back today?

- Today hasn't even started yet.
- It started for me.

That's only because
you're on douchebag savings time.

Can we please talk about this...

...when one of us doesn't have a warm,
firm buttock nestled against his groin?

Oh, dear Lord.

So you'll get it by tonight?

I'm hoping to get it
as soon as you close the door.

You really out of cash?

Don't worry, I got hooker money.

When you're hungry at school
You need to know

Paste, yes

Boogers, no

- Hey.
- How was your day, darling?

Fine. Except I had to pay for lunch
with my lucky Sacagawea dollar.

What kind of lunch
can you get for a dollar?

Two gas station hot dogs...

...that were a year old if they were a day,
thank you very much.

Is Sacagawea the same Indian chick
that's on the Land o' Lakes butter?

I don't know.

I hope so.

I'd like to believe it is.

Okay, Charlie. I'm leaving.

Hang on. Let me pay you.

There you go.

You forget I paid
for that pizza the other night?

Oh, right. How much was that?

Well, you got the garlic balls too,
so say, 75 bucks.

- You got change for a hundred?
- Nope.

- Okay, you'll pay me back.
- Count on it.

Wait, wait, wait. As long as you're
doling it out, you got my 40 bucks?

- Oh, sure. You got change for a hundred?
- Nope.

- Okay, I'll catch you later.
- Wait.

How come Berta can pay you back
and I can't?

Oh, grow up.
She's not gonna pay me back.

Okay, then what about me?

- What about you?
- I want my $40.

I only borrowed 38.

Yeah, well, I find round numbers
easier to remember.

- You like round numbers, do you?
- Yeah, I like round numbers.

Okay, here's a round number for you.

Zero.

Nice, tight circular shape.

Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.
Sound familiar, Alan?

Are you calling me anal?

That's right. A-L-A-N. "Anal. "

Okay, okay, okay. So bottom line...

...you're not gonna pay me back.
Is that correct?

Well, truth be told,
I was gonna pay you back...

...but your attitude irks me.

- I irk you?
- That's right.

I find you irksome.

You're a big, fat irk.

Hey, hey. You borrow 38 dollars,
you owe me 38 dollars.

Yeah, well, you've been living
in my Malibu beach house for six years.

You owe me 1 million dollars.

A million dollars?

That's a one followed by
six tight little sphincters.

Wow.

- You look tired.
- Yesterday, I had a quarter tank of gas.

Today, I drive a mile into Topanga Canyon,
and bang, empty.

Huh.

There's no cell coverage up there.

So I had to hump back to the beach
to call Triple A.

- Oh, that's a shame.
- Shame, my ass.

How the hell did a quarter tank of gas
disappear overnight?

It's a mystery.

Wait a minute.

I smell gasoline.

Really?

I don't smell anything.

You have gas on your breath.
You siphoned my tank.

Ah, oh, please.

You think I stuck a rubber hose
down your gas tank...

...sucked on it until the gas ran out
of your tank and into mine...

...thereby compensating me
for the $38 you owe me?

That's preposterous.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

What was I thinking?

What are you doing?

Do me a favor. Say...

..."preposterous" again.

Hey, you're crazy.

Get that away from me!

Oh, come on. Come on.

Just for grins, say,
"Help me. My head's on fire. "

All right, all right. I sucked the gas
out of your car. Now, turn that off.

Okay, fine. Well played.
You got your money back.

Uh.

Actually, uh, at 473.9 cents a gallon...

...you had only $ 13 and 22 cents won'th
in your tank.

So you still owe me 24.78.

- Get out.
- What?

Get out of my house.

You know what? I just might.

No, no, no.
"Might" implies you have a choice.

Oh, so you're gonna throw me out
over 24 dollars and 78 cents?

No, I'm throwing you out because
you're a cheap, gas-sucking, flammable irk.

I am not cheap.

Leaving.

Ow, ow! Hot, hot.

It's no one's fault, Jake.
These things just happen.

I don't know,
they seem to happen to you a lot.

Oh. Hey, guys.
What are you doing here?

Dad pissed off Uncle Charlie again.

Uh, sorry to show up
unannounced like this.

Oh, no problem.
It's always good to see you.

He got kicked out again?

- Damn it, Alan. What did you do now?
- Oh, I didn't do anything.

But I'm not gonna be staying
at Charlie's anymore...

...so I thought I should bring
Jake's stuff back here...

...until I find a place of my own.
- Fine. Good luck.

Uh, but it's nobody's fault.
I just think it's time for me to move on.

Okay. Good night.

But FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar,
and I suspect something of a firebug.

Really? Hmm.
He always struck me as a straight-shooter.

A little loosey-goosey with the liquor
and the ladies, but all in all a good fella.

In what universe
is Charlie Harper a good fella?

Well, I certainly don't know him
as well as you do...

...so I'll just shut my pie hole.

Uh, anyway, uh,
here's the rest of Jake's stuff.

Uh, I'll get you my new address
as soon as I have one.

- You do that.
- Okay.

- So where are you gonna stay till then?
- Pie hole, Herb.

Oh, I don't know.

Uh, things are a
little tight right now...

...so a hotel isn't really an
option, you know.

Maybe the... The Y for a couple of
days, you know?

Uh, but we'll see.

I could, uh, sleep in my office.

Uh...

or in the car.

- Oh, you can't do that.
- Pie hole, pie hole, pie hole.

Come on, Judith, you can't expect the man
to sleep in his car.

You're good people.
Just let me get a few things.

It'll be fine. He's not the kind of guy
who will overstay his welcome.

He's been at his brother's for six years.

Uh, Herb, would you mind giving me a hand
with the Nordic Track? It's...

oh, sure.

Love you.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Oh, hey, Herb. What's up?

I came to pick up some stuff for Alan.

- For Alan?
- Yeah, he's staying with Judith and I...

...till he gets back on his feet.

Gee, Herb,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news...

...but I've been waiting six years for that
khaki-wearing weasel to get on his feet.

Yeah, Judith mentioned that.

Using a lot of the same words,
interestingly enough.

He wanted to avoid having a scene,
so he asked if I'd pick up some of his stuff.

- And you agreed?
- I had to get out of there, Charlie.

Okay, okay, fine. What do you need?

Oh, quite a few things, actually.
He gave me a list.

Well, let him stay there long enough,
he'll give you a bleeding ulcer.

Judith said that too.

Anyway, uh...

..."Melatonin, a mouth guard... "

I guess he grinds his teeth at night.
I myself have restless leg syndrome.

But just the left leg,
right leg sleeps like a baby.

What else, Herb?

Well, I also got apnea
and I tend to drool a lot.

- The list, Herb.
- Oh, right, yeah.

Let's see, uh...

..."A shower cap, a loofa mitt. "

And some sort of little stool
that elevates his feet...

...while he's sitting on the toilet.
- What?

Yeah, when the morning coffee
doesn't do the job...

...having his feet up gives him that extra
leverage for a successful bowel movement.

- You're kidding.
- No. Look.

"For a successful BM."

That would mean "bowel movement. "

Okay, fine.
Uh, guest bedroom's right down there.

Oh.

Hey, I just made a pitcher of margaritas.
You want one?

Gee, I'll have to pass. Judith's waiting for me
to get back, and she gets really steamed...

- Salt or no salt? You got it.
- Salt. Okay.

This is so weird.

It's just for a couple of days, Jake.
Don't make a federal case.

This is probably gonna affect
my schoolwork.

How? It's not like
your grades could get any lower.

That's good, Alan.
Undermine his self-esteem.

You see what I have to live with
on weekends?

Nobody's talking to you.

Where is he gonna sleep?

I'm not a he, I'm your father.

How'd you get to be my father
if you're not a he?

We'll make up the couch.

What about the guest room?

That's not a guest room anymore,
it's Herb's train room.

- His what?
- He's a model-train aficionado.

- Aficionado?
- He works hard. He deserves a hobby.

Sometimes he lets me wear the hat.

I begged you for years
to let me turn that into a game room.

- Bumper pool, Ping-Pong, something.
- Well, this is different.

- How?
- Herb can play with his trains alone.

I'm sure he does plenty of stuff
in there alone.

- Excuse me?
- Nothing.

I got it.

This is so beautiful.

Yup.

Can I confess something, Charlie?

What's that?

I sometimes wonder about
the road not taken.

Which road is that?

Your road, Charlie.

Oh.

It's a good road, Herb.

So it's not a matter of
"the grass always seems greener"?

No, no. No, the grass
is pretty freaking green over here.

Damn.

Oops. That's me.

I would hope so.

It's the road taken.

- You're not gonna answer it?
- No.

- Judith will just harsh my mellow.
- Yeah. She's a mellow harsher.

But I love her.

That's nice.

You know, in the boudoir,
we're very simpatico.

Glad to hear it.

On top of everything else...

...she actually let me put my train set
in her back room.

Damn cran-apple juice.

I should start wearing a diaper.

- It's about time you got home.
- Mmm.

Is that an apology I'm feeling?

Oopsie.

- Where's my husband?
- Sleeping on the deck.

- What? Why?
- He's drunk.

Herb's not a drinker.

No argument there.

All right, here's how it's gonna go.

I am taking him home with me,
and you are taking back your brother.

How about this?

You and Alan patch things up
and I keep Stretch out there.

I've grown kind of fond of the big lug.

Charlie, I'm in no mood.

- That's not what I heard.
- What?

I don't have time for this.
Alan, get in here!

No.
- Do not make me come get you.

Now, apologize to your brother.

Do it.

I'm sorry I made
such a big deal of everything.

And?

And you... You can keep the
24 dollars and 78 cents.

- This was all about $24?
- Plus he tried to set me on fire.

After he sucked my gas.

Hey, baby.
When did you arrive on the scene?

Just get in the car.

Look, a poop stool.

Um, I'm... I'm... I'm gonna need that.

Well, you can pop a blood vessel
if you push too hard.

Words to live by. Mm-hm.

Herb, car.

- Bye, Charlie.
- Bye, Herb.

- Bye, Alan.
- Bye, Herb.

- This was fun. Let's do it again.
- Now.

Kind of like old times, huh?

Judith kicking me out
and you taking me in?

You are taking me in, aren't you?

Give me one good reason why I should.

Uh, well, we... We're...
We're family.

Uh, brothers.

We share blood and... And...
And history.

We have a bond that unites us forever.

No, what else you got?

Okay, uh...

...what about my French toast?
You like that.

You know, uh,
thick and fluffy with cinnamon...

...and powdered sugar?

Mmm.

- All right, you can stay.
- Really?

No.

Very funny. Ha, ha.

Charlie?

You changed the locks?

I was only gone for six hours!

Charlie?

Oh, crap.

Here you go. Black, two sugars.

Double glazed.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

I can't believe Grandma fired me.

Well, buddy, the labor market's
very competitive these days.

There's always somebody
brighter and better willing to work for less.