Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 5 - A Jock Strap in Hell - full transcript

Charlie gets more than he bargained for when he tries to make amends to one of Jake's old teachers that he dated, who went off the deep end and became a stripper after he broke up with her.

I can't believe you've been going to gym
all this time without a jock strap.

I don't like them.
It feels like I'm flossing my butt crack.

Based on what I'm paying your dentist,
you know nothing about flossing.

Just think of it as a bra for your balls.

Oh, now I want one.

- What size are you?
- How should I know?

I think they have measuring things.

You know, like at the shoe store.
Length, width.

- He's kidding, right?
- Yes, he's joking.

Don't do that.

Here, teen.

- Think you can fit your junk into that?
- I'll make it fit. Let's just go.

No, no, put it on over your pants.
We'll take a look.

The heck you will.

- Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
- Of course I am. That's why I came.

Oh. Oh, sorry. Sorry.
- Excuse me.

- Charlie Harper?
- Where? He owes me money.

Miss Pasternak?

Jake. Wow, look at you.

- Look how much you've grown.
- I reached puberty.

Oh. Oh, right. Uh, Miss Pasternak.

Uh, fifth grade,
Woodward Avenue Elementary School.

Oh, yeah, Miss Pasternak.

Oh, yeah, Miss Pasternak.

- So are you still teaching?
- No. No, I'm not.

- How are you, Charlie?
- Good, good. Nice to see you.

Long time. You look terrific.
Guess who's wearing a jock.

Aw, how nice.
Well, it's great to see you all.

- Goodbye.
- Bye, Miss Pasternak.

- Dodged a bullet there.
- I'll say.

She was kind of shook up
after I broke it off with her.

Kind of shook up?
She went bananas and bit the gym teacher.

- Where?
- In the gym.

You miserable son of a bitch.

I gave you my heart. I gave you my soul.
I gave you my body.

And you just threw me aside
like I was some piece of garbage.

Yeah, my bad.

- So what's new?
- Oh, you wanna catch up?

Yeah, sure, let's catch up. Let's see.

Um, well, okay, after you dumped me,
I had a nervous breakdown.

Well, it sure looks like you bounced back.

And then after my breakdown,
I got fired and blackballed from teaching.

Oh, bummer.

So, what are you up to now?

I'll tell you what I'm up to now.
I lost my house.

I'm living in a cheap motel and my new
career is giving lap dances to strangers...

...while I'm swinging by my crotch
on a pole eight times a night.

Have you considered
an athletic supporter?

Okay, well, thanks for the update.

Nice seeing you. Move. Move. Move.

- You ruined my life, Charlie Harper.
- Right-o. Bye.

- We didn't pay.
- Just keep walking.

How can you live with yourself,
you horrible evil man?

He drinks.

- What are you watching?
- The Food Network.

I'm learning how to prepare
cinnamon apple cobbler.

Tired of being at the mercy
of the dealers, huh?

- What?
- Nothing. Nothing.

Listen, I think I owe you an apology.

- For what?
- You know, this morning in the drugstore.

Oh, yeah, the jock-strap jokes.

You should be sorry.

No, not the jock-strap jokes.
Those were funny. I stand by those.

I meant the run-in with your old teacher.

- You probably shouldn't have seen that.
- I've seen worse.

Remember the Pilates instructor...

...who threw the lit road flare
through your bedroom window?

- Yeah.
- That was awesome.

That's one word for it.

Oh, and remember the dental hygienist...

...who shot your ass up
full of novocaine?

- I do.
- That was so funny.

You kept falling off the toilet.

Yeah, good times.

What do you do that gets these women
so pissed off at you?

It's hard to say exactly.

I guess, when a guy
has an intimate relationship...

Remember the girl from the salon who tried
to shoot you with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, Jake.

My point is I was wrong
in the way I treated those women...

...and you should learn a lesson
from my mistakes.

You mean, like,
keep a fire extinguisher by your bed?

Well, sure. That's one lesson.

And whenever a dental hygienist drops
a quarter never bend over to pick it up?

Right. That too.

And never go to a Halloween party
with a girl dressed as Robin Hood?

The thing is, Jake, you wouldn't
have to learn any of these lessons...

...if you always treated women better
in the first place.

I'm confused. If I don't have to learn them,
why are you bothering me with them?

I don't know.

Sorry to take up your valuable time.

What the heck was that all about?

Hey, guess what?

Turns out my kid's jock strap
is too small.

Good news, eh?

Yeah, terrific.

Alan, let me ask you something.

Do you think I'm a horrible evil person?


- What? You are.
- Thanks a lot.

Well, you know, not intentionally evil.

I mean, you know, is a tornado evil
when it picks up a mobile home...

...and flings it into an orphanage?

Is a shark evil when it eats
some poor schmuck on a boogie board?

Is a flesh-eating virus evil
when it attacks a...?

I get it, I get it. I get it.
I'm a malevolent force of nature.

Pretty much.

Is this about what happened
with Jake's old teacher today?

She said that I ruined her life.

Well, she did choose to sleep with you.

How much of a life
could she have had in the first place?

Don't try to make me feel better.

Because of me,
the woman lost her teaching career...

...and now she's dancing
in this skeevy club in van Nuys...

...and living in some fleabag motel.

How do you know
what club she works at?

The clubs have websites,
the websites have pictures.

It's not rocket science.

Her dancing name is Desiree Bush.

Certainly more colorful
than Delores Pasternak.

And presidential to boot.

I gotta tell you, I'm feeling a little guilty.

Does that surprise you?

No, what surprises me
is the liquor isn't helping.

It just beads up on the guilt
and rolls right off it.

Oh, come on,
this can't be the first woman...

...who had a nervous breakdown,
lost her job...

...and wound up taking her clothes off
for horny strangers because of you.

Well, of course not.

But it's never bothered me before.


...maybe you're finally developing
a conscience.

At long last realizing that your actions
have consequences for other people.

Don't talk down to me, Jiminy Cricket.


But you're right, I do need to take
responsibility for the damage I've caused.

Where you going?

Where else? Strip club.

Wait up, I'll drive.

Good Lord, she's quite the gymnast.

I know.

I've never understood why this isn't
in the olympics and synchronized diving is.

Hey, honey...

...whers Miss Bush coming out?

Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.

I mean, Desiree Bush.

She's around here somewhere.

Thank you.

How come she's not taking
her clothes off?

Because this is a bikini club.

What's a bikini club?

Hard liquor, no nipples.

Oh, man, I could've stayed home
and seen no nipples.

Hey, there she is.

Miss Pasternak.

What the hell are you doing here?

I just wanted to talk to you.

Yeah, well, I'm working, so unless
you want a private dance, I got no time.

- I don't need a dance.
- Then you get lost.

No, no. Wait. Wait. Wait.

- Alan needs a dance.
- No, I don't. I'm just here for...

- I'm buying.
- Do you mind if I take my belt off?

So anyway, I just wanted to tell you
that I'm really sorry for the way I ended it.

If there's anything I can do
to make it right, just let me know.


What can you do for me, Charlie?

Well, maybe I can help you
get back on your feet.

Oh. Oh, not yet, not yet. Not...

Are you gonna get me my house back?

- Are you gonna do that?
Oh, doggies.

Well, no.

My parents have disowned me.

Are you gonna fix that relationship?

I'm not real good with parents.

Uh, excuse me. I've gotta...
I've gotta readjust.

Uh, I'm playing ring toss
with my car keys.

What? Are you gonna get me
my teacher's license back?

I wish I could.

Okay, I'm all set. We can continue.

- Alan, this doesn't concern you.
- Uh, at this point, it kind of does.

Come on, hop on pop.

Thank you.

What if there was a way to go back
to teaching that didn't require a license?

What you talking about?

Private tutoring for a special-needs child.

Oh, Charlie, don't drag him into this.

Why not? She's a good teacher
and if his grades go any lower...

...we'll have to start renting him out
as a speed bump.

Tutoring? Yeah, I don't know.

I'll match what you're making here.

This okay with you, Alan?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Okay. It's a deal.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Come on, teach, I'll buy you a drink
and we'll toast your new career.

Ha, ha. Great.

Uh... Uh... oh... oh... oh...

okay, I'll, uh...
I'll catch up with you guys later.

Where is my belt?

Let me get this straight.

She was his fifth-grade teacher
and then she became a stripper...

...because you dumped her, and now
she's his tutor because you felt guilty?

Pretty much.

And you approved?

He caught me at a weak moment.

Well, who am I to judge?

I almost traded one of my kids
for a riding lawn mower.

I'm sorry, but I'm still confused.

Oh, boy.

Okay, um...

Let's look at it like this way.
How about if you make $40 a dance.

If you wanna find out
how much you can earn per hour... have to solve for XD times 40.

X being the number of dances
you can do in an hour.

- What about tips?
- That's a variable.

Oh, I get it.
So the money you kick back to the house... the constant.
- The constant.

Good for you. That's a good start.

Yeah, it was. You make learning fun.

Ha, ha. Where are you going?

Take a shower.

Guys, we're done.

Hey, so how did it go?

Oh, a little slow.

He's not exactly the quicker picker-upper.

Well, that's why he needs you.
He's kind of an idiot.

Yeah, um, I wasrt gonna say
anything, but, wow.

- So we'll see you tomorrow then.
- Great.

Hey, Charlie, thank you.

For what?

Well, you've given me back something
I lost a long time ago.

I gave it back?

How did I give it back?

My self-respect.

Oh, sure, that you can get back.

You haven't even tried to hit on me.

No, and I don't intend to. I just wanna see
you get your life together again.

Boy, I've hated you for so many years,
I'm starting to think maybe I was wrong.

No, no, no. You were right.
This is new for me.

Well, I like this Charlie.

He's got a big heart.

Thank you.

Desiree, wait.

Instead of going back to that motel,
why don't you stay here?

No strings.
Just until you can get a real apartment.

Where would I sleep?

- You can have the guest room.
- Well, where would Alan sleep?

If there was any justice,
at the bottom of a ravine.

I can't believe you gave her my room.

I can't believe
you're still calling it your room.

How long is this gonna last?

Just until she gets back on her feet.

Oh, please. That's a load of crap.
That's what I said to you six years ago.

You've been here six years?

I'll just go make up the couch.

Story of my life.

No boner goes unpunished.



I was lying in bed alone
and I had an epiphany.


It suddenly became clear to me
why you came back into my life.


The Lord sent you.

The Lord?

Yes. He sent you to save me
from my sinful ways.

- He did?
- Yes.

I really don't think he'd send me.

I'm more of a recruiter for the other side.

It's not for us to question his will.
Come, come, let's pray together.

- Now?
- Yes, now, while the spirit is in us.

Can I pee first?

There'll be plenty of time to pee
in heaven.

There's peeing in heaven?


Weird, us both being on our knees
at the same time, huh?


I'm just saying.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- How did everybody sleep?
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Lousy.

So listen...

...we might have a little problem
with Miss Pasternak.

Oh, Charlie, you didn't.

No, I didn't. Why do you always
believe the worst of me?

Because you're a horrible evil person.
I thought we established that.

I'll tell you what happened.

Last night I was upstairs, sleeping alone,
minding my own business.

Good morning, sinners.

Oh, what a glorious day
to bask in the forgiveness of our Lord.


Jake, I have wonderful news.

From now on, as part of each lesson...

...we're gonna spend time
casting demons out of you.

It's the devil that's making him stupid.

Told you it wasrt my fault.

Uh... Uh, Miss Pasternak, while I'm thrilled
you're helping Jake with his schoolwork...

...I'm not sure an exorcism
is really called for.

Do you want your son to go to hell,


Do they have a college-prep program?

Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.

I know. I've been married twice.

- Think you have to wear a jock strap in hell?
- Yes, but not your own.

Anyway, I just came down to tell you all
it's time to get dressed for church.

Uh... Uh, gee...

Ah, thanks for the invite,
but, uh, Sunday is kind of our "me" day.

Sunday is not a "me" day.

It's a "he" day, and he will strike down
the blasphemers...

...and the disbelievers
with fury and blood-soaked vengeance.

So chop, chop. Washy, washy.

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Boy, can I pick them.

- Dad?
- What?

I promise I'll work really hard in school
if you can just get rid of her.

- A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
- Oh, really?

What's your definition
of "blood-soaked vengeance"?

Why are you looking at me?

I just don't wanna miss it
when you burst into flames.

Isn't this a beautiful little church,

Oh, yeah, it's great.

Listen, thought maybe after the service... and I could drive around
and look for a nice apartment for you.

Aw. God doesn't want us
to separate, Charlie.

He brought you back into my life
so that we could be together for all eternity.

Um, are those his words or yours?

He speaks through me.


Um... whom am I talking now?

Oh. Oh, it's time for the special blessing.
Come on, everyone, let's go.

Right behind you.

Come on, come on.
Blessing time. Blessing time, come on.

This the kind of church
where they hand out crackers?

- Shh.
- I'm hungry.

Relax. It's just us.


- Why is your hair all wet?
- They tried to drown me.

No, they didn't.

He managed to get himself baptized.

How did that happen?

People were lining up.
I thought there was food.

Even after they took your clothes
and gave you a white robe?

I figured maybe we were getting ribs.

So where's Berta?

She took a shine to the organ player
and stayed for the senior potluck brunch.

So there was food.

I knew I wasrt crazy.

Arert you at all concerned
about what happened to Miss Pasternak?

Of course I'm concerned.
I tried to hide, didn't I?

After she realized that you had dumped her
yet again, she had a bit of a meltdown.

There was more to melt?

She was dripping through the cone
when she left the house.

She grabbed all the bills
out of the collection plate...

...and started grinding on the minister.

Oh, okay. No harm, no foul.

How do you figure?

That's how we found her, right?

Dry-humping for dollars.

What happened to all your guilt
about ruining her life?

Oh, I've still got it.

I'm just learning to live with it.

You're unbelievable.

Oh, come on, I tried to do the right thing.

My intentions were good.

That's the funny thing about you.

It doesn't seem to matter
what your intentions are.

Good, bad or indifferent,
everyone around you ends up suffering.

So it's not my fault, right?


- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
- I'm really not in the mood.

Oh, relax, it's all over.

Nothing to worry about.