Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 11 - The Devil's Lube - full transcript

Check it out. They got cars
that run on vegetable oil now.

- How about that.
- You know what'd be cool?

- A Hummer that runs on french fry grease.
- Uh-huh.

We could be energy independent
and still smash through crap.

Sounds great.

Plus, the new-car smell is french fries.

Okay, I'm only gonna say this
one more time.

You don't get a license for two more years
and you're not getting a Hummer.

You know, you say you want me
to open up to you, but what's the point?

Yeah, I always loved Paris
in the springtime.

Oh, you're lucky.
I only got to do her once on Halloween.



- Hi.
- Oh, hey, Alan.

- Andy, this is my brother, Alan.
- Alan, Andy.

- Hello.
- Hi, Andy.

- Pull up a chair. We're telling war stories.
- Oh, great.

- The sponge?
- Yeah.

So, uh, how do you guys
know each other?

- Well, Andy and I-
- Can I have a cigar?

- Uh, sure. Help yourself.
- Oh, thank you.

Anyway, Andy and I have known-

Maybe I'll take one for now
and one for later.

Anyway...

before he moved to New York,
Andy and I were partners in crime.

- There weren't that many actual crimes.
- Unless you count the ones against nature.

- Alan, this is a great man.
No, no.



Albert Einstein was a great man.

I just drink, gamble and hump.
But I'm great at it.

Andy once managed to hitchhike
from Vegas to L.A. wearing no pants.

Hey, anybody can use their thumb.

This right here,
this is the brother I never had.

Oh, well, how nice for you.

I don't mean it that way.
You're my brother.

- Well, thank you.
- I just like him better.

- Got it.
- Andy is the one guy in the world...

who can match me drink for drink
and broad for broad.

One time I thought I drank him under
the table, he had a broad under there.

Heh-heh-heh. Right, Andy?

Andy?

Don't screw with me, dude.

Who's your favorite brother now?

So he died out there in the chair, huh?

Yep.

Remind me to flip that cushion.

You should've seen it. The paramedics
zipped him up in a big plastic bag.

- Is that so?
- It looked like those things...

the delivery guys use to keep pizza hot.

I wonder if they got him to the morgue
in 30 minutes or less.

Not funny, Jake.

Maybe it is funny
and you just didn't get it.

Eat.

So, uh, did you know him?

Andy? Sure.

Before he moved to New York,
he and Charlie were like brothers.

Yeah, I heard that part.

- How's Charlie taking it?
- He's pretty shook up.

Well, you can understand why.

Somebody your age...

living the same dumb-ass lifestyle
you lived...

keels over and dies?
It's gotta give you pause.

- You're right about that.
- I'm surprised Charlie didn't go first.

Excuse me.

I'm standing right here.

But for how long?

Did you get that one?

- See you later.
- Uh, where you going?

Where do you think?

My best friend just died,
I got a lot to take care of.

You're handling the funeral?
I'm sure Andy would like that.

To hell with Andy, I'm going to the
hospital to get every test known to man.

Good one.

You're not getting any of these, are you?

- Hey.
- Hey. How'd the tests go?

I won't know for a couple of days.

All right, I'm out of here.

How about you, Charlie?

Wait, I got something for you.

It's a gift certificate for a week at a spa
in Palm Springs.

Well, I'll be. Thank you, Charlie.

I just wanted you to know
that I love you...

and appreciate
that you've always been there for me.

Great, see you in a week.

The minute you start thinking
about your mortality...

you realize how much you care
about the people around you.

Yeah, and I need to start showing it.

Well...

little gifts are always a nice way
to express your feelings.

I know.

Could be as simple as a cashmere robe...

or, uh, as extravagant as a new car.

- Yeah, I suppose it could. Ahem.
- Yeah.

Excuse me,
I got something really cool for Jake.

Doesn't even have to be new.

Certified pre-owned
is still very thoughtful.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- I was trying to research cars...

but you wouldn't believe what comes
up when you Google "Hummer."

Actually, I would.

Here, I got you something
I think you're really gonna like.

Is it a sandwich?

Why would I giftwrap a sandwich?

Because you want me to be surprised?

Just open it.

You know what's a great sandwich?
The Monte Cristo.

Because it has ham and cheese,
and it's fried.

Open the damn box.

Whoa, don't get your period.

- Oh, wow, a mini video-camera.
- Pretty cool, huh?

Is this because you think you're dying?

No, no. I just wanted
to do something nice for you.

Before you die.

- Do you want the camera or not?
- Yeah, I want it.

- Then just say thank you.
- Thank you.

Jeez, you need to relax.
You'll give yourself a heart attack.

I'll work on it.

Have a sandwich.
That always relaxes me.

All right, one more gift to give.

Oh, yeah? Saving the best for last?

I don't know about the best,
but it's sure the hardest.

Any way I can make it easier?

Yeah.

Call Mom
and tell her I'm on my way over.

Oh, Charlie, what a beautiful watch.

- Do you really like it?
- Are you kidding? It's gorgeous.

And the best part is now I don't
have to wear my good one every day.

You're probably wondering
why I bought it for you.

Well, I just assumed you love me...

and did it out of the goodness
of your heart.

Kidding. Why, dear?

Okay, I deserve that.

But the truth is I do love you...

and despite our many differences,
I'm glad you're my mother.

You didn't drive over here drunk, did you?

I'm not drunk. I just, uh...

I've been thinking a lot
about how fleeting life is...

that none of us really knows
how long we're gonna be here.

Did you find another lump
on your pee-pee?

No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.

I don't know how "worn down to a nub"
can be fine, but all right.

My point is, uh, I don't wanna be angry
with you anymore.

I want us to be friends.

I was always your friend, Charlie.

You were just too self-involved to see it.

Okay, I gotta go.

Where you off to?

I have to pick out a casket
for a friend of mine.

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

Well, don't cheap out.

It's one thing to do it with a watch,
but a casket is forever.

So young. I can't believe it.

Yeah.

Who would've thought smoking,
drinking and whoring could kill you?

You realize that could just as easily
be me in there.

Yeah.

Don't even think that.

It is a nice casket, though.

Should be.

- It cost me 10 grand.
- Ten grand, wow.

What can I say,
I take care of the people I love.

Could've taken care of me
with a freaking robe.

Kind of a light turnout.

You'd probably get more people
with an open bar.

Hey, make sure
there's an open bar at mine.

Oh, now, I'm your funeral planner?

Don't you want a friend or someone
you really care about in charge of that?

No, you do it.

Good afternoon and welcome.

We are here to celebrate the life...

and mourn the passing
of Andrew Donald Patterson.

How do we measure a man's life?

- By...
- Jeez, this guy's a load.

Don't get a guy like this for me.

I want someone
with a little bit of gravitas.

I'll see if James Earl Jones is available.

That would be nice.

- Born, a time to die, a time to reap...

a time to sow, a time to mourn...

A time to heal...

a time for every purpose under heaven.

And so we say goodbye
to Charles Francis Harper.

Devoted son, loving brother,
caring uncle...

bon vivant and world-class connoisseur
of the booty.

Nice turnout.

I'd like to take this moment...
- Yeah. Standing room only.

Goes to show you,
give the people what they want.

You mean the open bar, right?

Sure.

Thanks for coming, by the way.

You came to mine.

Yeah, but you're dead.

Charlie, take a look in the box.

That's not a tanning booth.

Oh, yeah.

So listen, as long as you're here,
what's heaven like?

It's unbelievable. It's paradise.

Like your house
before your brother moved in.

Oh, that was good.

You can drink all you want, no hangover.

Endless supply of women,
each one more beautiful than the last.

And Charlie, get this:
They believe everything you tell them.

- Everything?
- It's heaven, dude.

Wow.

- Well, save me a good seat.
- I wish I could...

but that's not where they sent me.

Ew.

Then how do you know
what heaven's like?

They make us look at a video every day...

while they're putting lube
on the pitchfork.

Well, at least, you get lube.

Only on the middle prong.

To be completely honest...

I didn't know Charlie Harper.

But any man, who, with his dying breath,
would set aside $25,000...

and a first-class air ticket
so I could deliver his eulogy...

is aces in my book.

That being said, there are many people
here today who did know Charlie...

and perhaps some would like
to stand up and say a few words.

Ooh, ooh! Ah, I wanna say something.

Uh...

hello, everybody.

Hello, James Earl Jones.

Um, hey, bro. Don't get up.

Ah, what can I say about Charlie?

Uh, so many words come to mind.

So few that you can say in church.

But we'll, uh-We'll give it a shot.

Um, Charlie was a man of love.

Um, he loved his friends...

he loved his family...

but most of all...

he loved his penis.

The only part of him
that ever had an actual job.

Ah, anyway...

this was a man, uh, so full of love
that it practically oozed out of him.

Ah, at which point, of course,
he would see a doctor.

But I-I kid the deceased whoremonger.

Anyway, uh, since he never made out a will,
uh, I hope you will all join me...

for a wake-slash-luau
at my Malibu beach house.

He got my house?

- He got everything you had.
- Everything?

Well, not the diseased liver
and the swollen prostate.

Oh, look. Your old girlfriends
are saying their final goodbye.

That's not very respectful.

Just FYI, spit is the devil's lube.

Listen. Uh, would you mind recording
my answering-machine message for me?

That'll be an extra $500.

That's okay. I'm rich now.

All right, what do you want, uh,
"This is CNN" or "Luke, I am your father"?

So, Charlie, it's been great catching up,
but I gotta go.

Already? Can't you stay a while?

No, it's pitchfork time.
If you're late, you don't get the spit.

And believe me, Charlie,
you want the spit.

I want the spit.

Harper. Charlie Harper.
I was in a few days ago.

I peed in a cup, you took my blood...

and slipped a camera
up the heart of darkness.

Well, the doctor said my results
would be ready today.

Fine, have him get back to me.

He's avoiding my calls, Alan.

- I'm gonna die.
- No, no, you're not.

Aah. I can feel it.

You might as well just drive into that tree
and kill us both.

Sure. I don't wanna go on living
without you.

What's the point of it all?

Yeah, I'm rich, charming,
classically handsome...

I've laid more pipe than a guy...

who has sex with pipes.

But what have I done with my life?

A few stupid jingles, some kids' songs,
nothing that really matters.

Now, now,
you're being too hard on yourself.

Got no wife, I've got no children.

I'm gonna leave this world
the way I came in.

By a cesarean section?

Alone.

Oh, for God's sake, Charlie,
I am tired of listening to this.

There has always been
one person in your life...

who's been there for you
and loved you unconditionally.

You mean...

You're right.

- How could I have missed it?
- Heh-heh-heh.

It's been in front of me the whole time.

You can't see the forest for the trees...

even when the forest
is in your own backyard.

Or guest room, heh, heh.

Rose?

- Yup, the one and only.
- Aah.

I know, I know, it's been a while.

If you're not too busy
maybe we could get together...

and have a drink or something.

Great.

So do you wanna meet
or should I pick you up?

I'll meet you at your place.

Okay, I'll meet you back at my place.

Small world.

Yeah, teeny-tiny.

- Here you go.
- Thank you, Charlie.

- Comfy?
- Oh, very.

Good.

- So, Rose.
- Charlie.

- Haven't seen you in a while.
- Can't say the same.

Oh, right, right. Sure, yeah.

Sorry about your friend.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a real wake-up call for me.

I can imagine.

Makes you stop and wonder
what's important in your life.

Who's important in your life.

I've always known
who's important in my life.

You have, haven't you?

You know how I feel about you, right?

Tell me anyway.

Oh, okay.

Well, as you know,
we've had our ups and downs.

I told you that was my medication.

- I was talking about our relationship.
- Oh, yes.

That's had ups and downs too.

Continue.

Well, uh, I'm thinking
we're not getting any younger.

You know, there was a time when
I did think I was getting younger...

but it turns out that
that was my medication.

- Sure.
- I also thought I was getting smaller.

Ah. Ahem.

Anyway, uh, it struck me that-
That life is short...

and maybe the time has come for you
and I to start thinking about our future.

What about it?

Aah, well...

I know this is kind of sudden, but-

Rose?

Yes, Charlie?

Would you do me the honor of-?

I'm sorry, let me just get rid of this.

Oh, it's my doctor.

Hey, doc, what's the word?

No liver damage whatsoever?

What about my heart?

Well, that's terrific.

Lungs are good too?

So I don't have to give up cigars?

No, no. No, I won't overdo it.

Just when I drink, heh, heh.

Speaking of which, how's the plumbing?

Does that include the prostate?

Yes.

All right, well, uh,
thanks for getting back to me so soon.

And again, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry
for all the name-calling...

when you slipped your finger up there.

Oh, boy, this is awkward.

Look at him.

He's gonna live forever.

No, it's just gonna seem like forever.

He smokes, he drinks,
parties like there's no tomorrow.

Me? I have Mexican food
and a couple of beers...

and I'm farting blood.

Yeah. Boo-hoo.

You just said "Mexican food"
and I grew a third butt cheek.

Life isn't fair, is it, Berta?

If it were, you'd be cleaning my toilets
and I'd have my own talk show.

- A talk show?
- Why not? I'm personable.

At least, he has a clean bill of health.
I'm happy for that.

Me too.
I don't care if I never inherit this house.

Uh, uh, excuse me?

Oh, you ain't seen his new will, huh?

- Ah, what new will?
- Never mind.

But in case tragedy strikes...

be prepared to clear your crap
out of here in 48 hours.

Son of a bitch.