Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 10 - He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited - full transcript

Jake. You're hardly touching your salad.

I promised Berta I'd
cut down on the roughage.

Well,all right. Why
don't I get the soup.

Based on the salad, I'm
not so optimistic.

So you have absolutely no
idea why she invited us here?

All she said on the phone was "dinner. "

And you believed her?

Good God, man, do you
realize what you've done?

Just relax.

"Just relax"?

We'll be lucky to leave here
with all of our limbs and gonads.



What's a gonad?

You are.

So it's bad.

You're not a gonad.

Says the other gonad.

Here we go.

Potato leek soup.

Oh, delightful.

You got any crackers?

"Crackers"?

Yeah, I like having
something crunchy in my soup.

Little goldfish, crouton,
a stale bagel...

I'll check. Go ahead and start.

Captain Crunch will work in a pinch.



I've got a bad feeling
about this, Alan.

What? We're having a nice
dinner with our mother.

So you feel it, too?

What kind of person doesn't
serve crackers with soup?

The only thing I have that's
crunchy is macadamia nuts.

Interesting. Let's give 'er a try.

Well, I suppose you boys are
wondering why I asked you here.

You mean this isn't just
a nice, warm family dinner?

Knock it off, Charlie.

I have some good news.

And no, I'm not dying.

I didn't say anything.

Why would you even go there?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Anyway, I have been doing
some financial planning.

So you're thinking about dying?

Trust me, darling, I promise to
stick around long enough to identify

your bloated, gin-soaked,
syphilitic remains.

Okay, so we've got a time frame.

So what about your financial plan?

Yes, well, one thing I've done is
to set aside enough money to ensure

that my grandson will
get a college education.

You're gonna buy a college?

I have set up a trust fund.

Oh, Mom, Mom, that is, uh, that
is very generous,

but, uh, I actually started a college
fund for Jake when he was born.

Really?

How much you have in there now?

Did you hear? Grandma's
sending you to college.

Now? I haven't finished my soup.

Mom, have you thought this through?

Look at him.

Maybe there should be
onechild left behind.

Charlie, Charlie, shush.

Mom, I-I cannot tell you
how much I appreciate this.

Jake, do you understand what
your grandma is providing here?

Yeah ,more school. Big whoop.

Well, Jake, perhaps this
will help enthuse you.

If you buckle down and your grades improve, when
the time comes for you to go to college,

Grandmommy is going
to buy you a new car.

I love you, Grandmommy!

By the way, when I get my car from Grandma, one
of you guys is gonna have to park on the street.

The car is for college.

And what makes you think
you'll still be living here?

Oh, come on, you know you love me.

He's got you there. You do love him.

Yeah, but he doesn't have
to rub my nose in it.

So what do you think Mom's angle is?

Does she have to have an angle?

A college trust fund? For him?

Last week he bit his
hand eating a sandwich.

He smelled the ham. He got excited.

Maybe she's just trying to buy his love.

Alan, think it through.

She could've done that with
a pork chop and a Creamsicle.

Well, whatever it is, it is a big load off my
mind knowing his education's taken care of.

Oh,yeah,that's what Mom wants,to
take a load off your mind.

Okay,why do you think she did it?

I don't know. But if you
want to get inside her head,

you've got to start thinking
more twisted,manipulative,devious.

For example,if by some miracle he gets through
college and she sends him to law school...

The law school?
You've already lost me.

Maybe she's boinking the dean of
admissions. We don't know. Just hear me out.

Go on.

Let's say he crawls through law school, takes
seven or eight shots at passing the bar.

We know how that ends.

So what are his options
as a failed lawyer?

I don't know. Government work?

Exactly. Maybe he lands
on the zoning commission.

And bingo-bango, Mom finally gets
to put a second story on her house.

You really think she's going to
send him to college andlaw school

just so she can add an extra bedroom?

That's insane.

Is it, Alan?

Is it really?

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Alan?
- Yeah?

You having a stroke?

No, no, I'm just, I'm just trying to
figure out why I need to go to work today.

I mean, Mom's taking care of
Jake's education, buying him a car.

Why should I bust my hump?

For your self-respect?

Nah, Judith got that in the divorce.

'Cause you like to heal people's back
pain with your chiropractic magic?

Okay, well,
you've got to go somewhere.

Why?

'Cause you're creeping me out.

I should take up motivational speaking.

Morning.

Something's wrong with your brother.

We don't say the word
"wrong. " We say "special. "

No, it's true.

My friends don't think
you're my grandma.

They think you're my young aunt.

If he gets his nose any
further up her keister,

we're gonna have to
tie a rope to his feet.

Hey, I was thinking.

You know what would be a
nice, safe vehicle for me?

A used police car.

I don't know. I guess from the police?

She's buying Lunkhead a car?

And a college education.

Well, I guess that makes sense if it's
a clown college and the car seats 20.

All right, then I'll see
you in an hour. Hold on.

Nah, I don't need one.

Okay, okay, bye.

I'm gonna spend the afternoon with
Grandma. If she asks, I took a shower.

Figured out her angle yet?

No. And that's what scares me.

Bom-bom-bom.

Seemed appropriate.

All right, Mr. Sharipa.

How's it feel right here?

A little tender.

Yeah, yeah,
you've got a spasm right here.

It's my own fault.

I was trying to do it in the
shower with Mrs. Sharipa last night.

The woman is no ballerina.

Well, sex in the shower is
really a young man's game.

Or a middle-aged man
with a skinny wife.

Sure.

What can I say?

I like a little junk in the trunk.

I, I think that says it.

Slap her on the ass at Christmas,

it doesn't stop shaking
till New Year's Eve.

Just between you and me,
she enjoys a little spanking from Santa.

Who doesn't?

I check the list twice: always naughty.

Could you,uh,turn on
your right,Mr. Sharipa.

I'll, uh, try to relieve the
pressure on your sciatic nerve.

Would you cross your
arms, please? Thank you. Okay.

Excuse me.

Oh, no, that, uh, that happens.

It's, uh, it's perfectly natural...

Oh, dear Lord.

Yeah, that's the garlic
clams I had for lunch.

I like them. They don't like me.

Um, if you'll just
excuse me for a moment.

Hey, you know, I feel better.

Maybe that's where
the pressure came from.

- Where are you going, Dr. Harper?
- Home.

Will you be coming back?

Dr. Harper?

Oh, my God.

Let's spend a little time
talking about our college plans.

"Our plans"? Are you going, too?
'Cause that changes everything.

I've already been to college, darling.

And they were some of the
happiest years of my life.

Really?

What kind of car did you have?

Look, Jake, I understand that
you're excited about getting a car,

but keep in mind the car is
predicated on you getting into college.

Right.

What's "predicated" mean?

No college, no car.

What if I flunk out? Do I
have to give the car back?

Oh, sweetheart, what makes
you think you'd flunk out?

Well,history.

Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm
gonna have to repeat eighth grade.

60/60, huh?

At least. It could be 70/40.

Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.

- Is that good?
- For the Ivy League.

You know, dear, maybe we're
going about this the wrong way.

College should be about
pursuing the things you love.

What do you love?

Um, TV, video games, sleeping.

I love sleeping so much sometimes
I actually dream about it.

Okay, maybe I wasn't clear enough.

Oh, you know what I really love?

Twice-dipped French toast with
a sprinkling of orange zest.

Orange zest?

Yeah, you scrape it from an orange peel.

It's what really makes my recipe work.

- You have a recipe?
- Yep.

It kinda happened by accident.

I was making once-dipped
French toast, but I dropped it.

A lot of great discoveries are accidents
like Thomas Edison and the telephone.

That wasn't Thomas...

So you like to cook?

Yeah, I love it. 'Cause, you know, I love
to eat and I love to surprise my mouth.

Well, you know, dear, what you are
talking about is becoming a chef,

and there are schools for that, and-and
the potential to make a terrific living.

Do I get to wear one
of those poofy hats?

- If you want to.
- Cool.

Then I guess I'll be a chef.

My grandson the chef.

I can live with that.

You know what I could
drive if I was a chef?

The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

I got a kayak.

I see.

Guess what I'm gonna do?

Go kayaking?

Yep. I have decided
that life is too short.

So you're going out in the
Pacific Ocean in a plastic boat.

Good thinking.

No, I was at work today and it
suddenly became clear to me that...

Sorry about that.

It became clear to me that
I don't like what I'm doing.

And now that Mom is taking care of Jake,

I can spend my time doing
the things that give me joy.

So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?

No, but that's the point.

You'll have to elaborate.

I could if I wanted to.

Yeah, who could've seen that coming?

Look, I'm sorry.

Here you go. Grilled cheese
with gouda, Swiss and monster.

You mean muenster.

No, that's an old TV show.

And they're called that
'cause they're monsters.

This is a cheese.

Anyway, the sandwich also has heirloom tomatoes
and smoked applewood bacon on sourdough toast.

Where did you learn this?

Food Channel and FoodChannel. com.

Food Channel on
Demand, Food Channelmagazine.

And the school lunch lady.

Oh, and save room for
homemade potato chips.

You're making potato chips?

Oh, yeah, it's easy.

You slice the potatoes real thin,
rub the slices with lemon and garlic,

fry 'em up in a hot iron
skillet and then salt to taste.

- I can't get over this.
- Bon appetite.

Teet.

No, that's a cow's boob.

Oh, my goodness.
This is delicious.

Don't eat more than three
or you won't poop for a week.

Trust me.

Well, at least we have finally
found a career path for you.

Cool. I'll go get the chips
and then we'll talk about cars.

You know what? Let's
settle this car thing first.

Oh, God, it was incredible.

The-the wind, the sky, the surf.

I feel like I'm reborn.

You were out there for 15 minutes.

Yeah, well, my arms got tired.

so you did decide to
go with the kayanking.

- What?
- Masturyaking?

You're terrible.

But, anyway, no one could see me.

So now what?

Now? Now I just live. I enjoy.

All right.

This rat has quit the race.

Good for you.

This hamster is off the treadmill.

Glad to hear it.

This squirrel is satisfied
with the nuts he has.

No comment.

I'm not gonna make it, Charlie.

Didn't think you would.

No goals, no challenges, no, no
gut-wrenching fear driving me forward.

I mean, how can you stand it?

Me? Well, I have kind of an existential
philosophy that shapes my outlook.

It involves a willingness to let
life carry me along in its wake

as I contemplate its infinite mystery.

Plus I drink and take a lot of naps.

Yeah, well, I need something
meaningful to strive for.

Sorry, I don't follow.

I need a carrot in front
of me and a stick behind me.

Without that,
I... I have no reason to live.

That's it!

What's it?

"No reason to live."

That's Mom's angle.

This never had anything to do with Jake.

She's trying to kill you.

Oh, come on.

Think about it.

She takes the financial
pressure off your shoulders,

knowing you can't live
without it. Oh, she's good.

Why would Mom want to kill me?

I don't know. Why do I want to kill you?

Why does your ex-wife want to kill you?

You just bring that out in people.

You're being ridiculous.

Okay, okay, let's look at
the alternate explanation.

For the first time in her life,

our mother is being totally selfless and
thinking about someone else's well-being.

Dear God, my own mother
is trying to kill me.

Well, I'm glad we got that settled.

It was really bugging me.

- Terrific sandwich.
- Yeah.

I think you'll find the fire gave
everything a nice smoky flavor.

Just out of curiosity,what
does a used fire truck go for?

Hey, Alan, I got an idea
that might cheer you up.

I'm listening.

You need a carrot and a stick
to make your life meaningful?

How about this?

Every month I let you give me a
small amount of money in exchange

for the pleasure of living in my house.

We'll call it... rent.

Wow, it's been a long
time since I paid rent.

Five years, two months, 11 days.

Interesting. It would certainly
give me a reason to go back to work.

Right. That's the carrot.

And if you fall behind,
I get to hit you with a stick.

Very funny.

No, I'm serious.
That's my carrot.

Okay, how much did you have in mind?

Well, I've given it some thought...

and...

I think you'll find
this to be a fair number.

Oh, well, uh, at least if I'm paying rent
I'll get a say in what goes on around here.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No.

If you want a say,this is the number.

I don't need a say.

Good. So, every month on the first.

Deal.

All right, all right, I feel good about
this, pitching in, pulling my own weight.

It's long overdue.

Five years, two months, 11 days.

Right.

Uh, of, uh, course since the month has already
started, we'll, we'll start next month.

Fine.

Uh, although, uh, with the holidays coming,

maybe it'd be better to start fresh
with the new year, you know? 1/1.

- Sure, whatever.
- Okay.

Unless the economy's still in the tank.

Always a possibility.

In which case, you know, we'll, uh, we'll
probably want to revisit the number.

Probably.

I mean, the market is-is
pretty volatile right now.

I mean, I think some belt-tightening
is in order for everybody,

you know, landlords
and-and tenants alike.