Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 6, Episode 12 - Thank God for Scoliosis - full transcript

Alan considers hooking up with his receptionist--until he meets her mother, and Charlie and Jake fight for the affection of a beautiful woman

All right Mrs Freemantle,
we will see you next week.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Harper.

And remember,
no more rough sex.

Oh, Dr. Harper, you're terrible.

Okay. Bye-bye.

I wish I was kidding;
the woman's a freak.

You are so good with
the patients, Dr. Harper.

Oh, thank you.

Just you're
- you're warm and personable and funny.

Oh, I'm all right.

But you, the patients love you.

- Uh, don't give me "no."

I'm giving you "no."
- Well, I'm not taking "no."

Don't make me blush.
- I'm making you blush.

Well, I'm blushing.

So we all done for the day?

Yeppers. Mrs. Freemantle
was our last patient.

Okay, then, uh, I will see
your smiling face tomorrow.

Well, it's only smiling
'cause it's looking at you.

Don't make me blush.

Well, I'm making you blush.
- Well, I'm blushing.

I'm so sorry.

I should apologize.

No, I'm the one who
stepped over the line.

No, no, I stepped, too.

No, no, I stepped first.
- No, no, no.

Don't give me "no, no."

I'm giving you "no, no."

We can't do this.

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

I ache for you.

Yeah, well, I'm not all that
comfortable right now either.

It-it-it's just that I feel like...
- You don't have to explain.

I understand.

Okay. Okay. Well, then, uh, I
guess I will see you tomorrow.

I'll be here at, uh, 7:30.

In case you want to get in early.

Oh, okay. Uh, I-I might
actually want to... get in early.

You're the boss. You can
get in anytime you want.

Oh, God.

Mind if I watch the game?

Uh, actually, I came in
here for a little quiet time.

Still quieter than sleeping
under the Santa Monica Pier.

I'm conflicted, Charlie.

Shh, quiet time.

Do you think you can
choose who you love?

Oh, boy.

What's his name?

What? No!

Oh, all right. Come
out when you're ready.

Do you remember my receptionist?

The itsy bitsy spider who
climbed up my water spout?

Yeah. Whatever happened to her?

You dumped her after one depraved
weekend, and I had to give her a raise,

health insurance and a paid
vacation to keep her from quitting.

Oh, good. Thanks for
smoothing that over for me.

Hey, you think she has
plans for this weekend?

What is wrong with you?

Uh, I am trying to tell you that I'm
starting to have feelings for her.

For who?

For Melissa.

Who's Melissa?

My receptionist!

So I should forget about this weekend?

Yes, you should forget
about this weekend!

I was just asking. You don't
have to bite my head off.

So you and her are, uh...

Oh, no, no, no, nothing's happened yet.

Just a little kissing,
and she could feel my...


What, are you Noel
Coward? Just say "boner."

Why do I bother talking to you?

Beats the hell out of me.

The thing is, Melissa and
I have-have this chemistry,

and it's really hard not to act on it.

Yeah, it's tough when you work together.


You don't crap where you eat.
- I know.

You don't dip your pen in company ink.

And you never bang a woman
who owns a snake or a bird.


They're usually nuts.

So what you're faced with
here is a moral dilemma.

Oh, I'll say.

Whether or not to have an intimate relationship
with a woman who is also your employee.


I got it, I got it.
- Oh, you do?

Fire her, then boink her.

I don't got it?

You don't got it.

I'm right about the
snakes and birds though.

Really? The one who works for him?


Tinkerbell with the knockers?

The same.

Well, everybody makes that mistake once.

I crossed that line in the '70s when I
was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas.

No kidding. TV's Kojak?

One and the same.

What happened?

What do you think happened?
He's Greek, a man of passion.

You can't tie your
shoes around those guys.

That's rough.

Bet your ass it's rough.

- Morning.

So, Zippy, I hear you've been sinking
your putts on the company golf course.

Thanks for telling her.

Thanks for telling me.

Word of advice: it may seem like
fun and games at the beginning,

but mark my words, sooner or later,
you're gonna wake up with a broken heart

and a lollipop stuck to your keister.

You want to explain that to me?

I'd rather forget I ever heard it.

So, decide what you're
gonna do about Melissa?

There's nothing to do.

I have to take the physical
feelings I have for her

and channel them into something creative,
productive, something, something that'll last.

You're gonna have sex with the
vacuum cleaner again, aren't you?

That wasn't sex, that was an accident.

Once is an accident.

Morning, Melissa.

Good morning, Dr. Harper.

How's my schedule look today?

It's packed pretty tight.

Oh, okay. Uh, tight's good.

You know, better-better
tight than, uh, you know...

Thank God for scoliosis.

Um, listen, Melissa, um, about
what happened yesterday...

Please, Dr. Harper, you
don't have to say anything.

Yes, yes, I do.

We obviously have feelings
for each other, and...

there's nothing wrong with that. It's-it's
a beautiful thing. It's-it's natural.

But for us to maintain a-a working
relationship, and I hope friendship,

I-I think it would be unwise
to succumb to those feelings.

I agree.

Oh, good, good. I'm glad.

Oh, well, now we got
that out of the way...

Uh, what time does my
packed schedule begin?

Uh, not for a half hour.

Half hour?


Nothing for a half hour?

Wide open.

Everything work out at the office?

Manage to keep your hands
off Really Little Annie Fanny?

Well, not exactly, but, uh,
we did keep it above the waist.

Her waist or yours?

Both. And it wasn't easy.

I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls
look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.

Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!

For the last time, I use it
to get lint off my trousers.

Then why do you call it Brenda?

So when the mood strikes and
she's ready, you'll be ready, too.

Ready today, ready
tonight, ready tomorrow.

I'm ready now.

What's he ready for?

If I were to guess, I'd say he's ready
to screw up his life a little more.

Is that even possible?

We'll see.

I'm hungry.

So eat something.

There's nothing here I like.

Welcome to my world.

Why are we here?

Am I even allowed to be in a bar?

Probably not. So if anybody
asks, you're a homely lesbian.

Why do I have to be homely?

Just sit down.

What's that smell?

Stale beer, vomit, urine. You hungry?

Hey, Charlie.
- Hi, Janine. This is my nephew Jake.

Hey, Jake. How old are you, sweetheart?

Keep your hands off him,
Janine, he's married.

I thought I was a lesbian.

We're just gonna have a couple of
hamburgers and a basket of fries,

he'll have a soda and I'll have a draft.

That's not a very healthy
dinner for a growing boy.

Well, don't worry, he
can process anything.

The other day, he ate a
handful of packing peanuts.

You bet me ten bucks I wouldn't.

Oh, Charlie, shame on you.

Yeah, shame on you.

Tell you what, Jake, I get
out of here in ten minutes.

Why don't you get your uncle
to bring you over to my place,

and I'll cook you a
nice, healthy dinner?

Thanks, but I'm already
healthy. I'll have a hamburger.

No, you won't. We'll be there.

I don't get a vote?

You're lucky you're getting
dinner. Thanks, Janine.

You're welcome.

What is wrong with
you, turning that down?

Excuse me, but we have no
idea what kind of cook she is.

Oh, God...

For all we know, she's a vegetarian.

Dr. Harper, what are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing here?

Please don't make me guess.

I'm making you guess.


Melissa, honey, who's here?

Uh, Mom, this is my boss, Dr. Harper.

Dr. Harper, this is my mother.

- Hello yourself.

I understand there's been some
inappropriate behavior in the workplace.

Yeah, well, about that, I-I-I just want you to know
that I have nothing but respect for your daughter,

and I would never do anything...

I'm just yankin' your chain!

Ain't nothin' wrong
with beddin' the boss.

That's how I wound up with the little
princess here and half a Black Angus franchise.

Come on in. I'm watchin' Hellboy.

Okay. Thanks.

You smoke dope?

This is, like, the best dinner ever.

I'm glad you liked it, Jake.

You are a great cook.

And you are a cutie pie.
I could just eat you up.

Want another root beer?
- Sure.

Comin' right up.

Listen, buddy, you're gonna
have to make yourself scarce.

Maybe take a cab home.

You take a cab home. I'm doin' great.

How do you figure?

You blind? First base on the top
of my head, second base in my ear?

Listen to me, knucklehead.

That woman's got to be
ten years older than you.

So? You're, like, 15
years older than her.

Step aside, grandpa.

Okay, fun time's over.
Go wait in the car.

You go wait in the car.

No, you go.
- No, you go.

Jake, how about I put some ice cream
in that root beer and make it a float?

Thank you. That'd be great.

It's like she can read my mind.

Go get in the car.

Fine, I'll just go tell Janine that
you want me to wait in the car by myself

so you can try and have sex with her.

Sit down, you little bastard.

Now, this picture here is
toward the end of my labor.

That's my vagina,

and that's Melissa's little head
pokin' out of me like a groundhog.

Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I
would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?

It's funny.

You know, of all my
kids, she was the easiest.

Just like popping out a ping-pong ball.

That's quite an image.

Yeah, oh, and it was a
natural childbirth, too.

No drugs, just a couple of peyote
buttons and bitin' down on a rope.

Mom, would you mind if Dr. Harper
and I have a little time alone?

I'm sorry, honey.

You kids must be as horny as
a couple of drunken rabbits.


Oh, uh, Kama Sutra's on the bookshelf
case you feel like pushin' the envelope.

I'm sorry about that.

Mom never really made
it home from Woodstock.

Don't be silly. She's delightful.

I'm just gonna close this up now.

Don't mind me.

I'm just gonna a roll a fatty in the
backyard and zone out in the hammock.

Ah, that hit the spot.

I'm glad you liked it.

The best part of a root beer
float? Your burps taste good.

Listen, Janine, thanks for everything,

but I should probably get this
little guy home and come back.

It's way past his bedtime.

What are you talking about?
It's not past my bedtime.

What do you wanna bet he falls asleep
in the car and I have to carry him in?

What do you wanna bet he has to go home and take
a laxative because he's too old to poop normal?

All right, that's it!
- Not in the face! Not in the face!

What? Stop that! He's
kidding. I never hit him.

Jake, tell her you're kidding.

I'm kidding about that, but
he can be verbally abusive.

Not funny, Jake.

The liquor makes him mean.

Okay, I didn't want to have to do this,

but I am calling your
father, let him deal with you.

I'm gonna go straighten
up in the kitchen.

You don't know who you're messing with.

Are you kidding? I think she's gorgeous!

You don't know who you're messin' with.

I'm sorry about that. Hang on.

Charlie, now is not a good time.

All right, put him on.

I can't talk now, Dad. I'm about
to get lucky with an older woman.

What? Where are you? Jake? Jake?

Alan, would you be totally weirded out
by a little mother-daughter tag team?

I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy.

I could've been happy.

You gonna tell me
what happened tonight?

You don't wanna know.

Where are you going?

I'm a 14-year-old boy
who recently got ear-boob.

Where do you think I'm going?


You don't wanna know.

So how'd it go with Melissa?

You don't wanna know.

Oh, come on.

All right. I met her mom,saw
a photo of mom's vagina,

and chose to leave before being
introduced to the real thing.

You're right,I didn't wanna know.

Where are you going?

I'm a 40-year-old
guy who recently...

Ah, screw it.I'm gonna
go play with myself.

Okay,thatI didn't want to know.

Still not a bad idea.