Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 6 - Help Daddy Find His Toenail - full transcript

Wanna hear a great band?

- Sure.
- They're called Bucket of Hate.

What do you think?

Nice beat.

Oh, my goodness.

Quite a mouth on this fella.

I guess that's why they're not called
Bucket of Bunnies, huh?

- Who's he listening to?
- Bucket of Hate.

They're good.
Reminds me of early Who.

- Who? What?
- Yeah.

- The band's called Who.
- Bucket of Hate.



And I work for your family.

Boy, I never knew there were
so many rhymes for suicide.

Yeah, what's patricide?

It means to honor thy father.

Oh, well, then that song
doesn't make sense.

Yeah, well, I'm still trying to figure out
what a su-su-sudio is.

So BOH is playing
at the Santa Monica Civic Center...

...next weekend.

Cool.

My friend Seth Friedman got tickets.
Can I go?

- How are you gonna get there?
- Car.

Thank you.

- Whose car?
- Seth's brother.

He's 17, and he's never been
in an accident that was his fault.



I don't think so.

Why not?

Why don't I think it's appropriate for a
13-year-old to go with no supervision?

I told you. Rocco is 17.

- His name is Rocco?
- Yeah.

So Rocco Friedman?

Yeah. Do you know him?

No, but I'm not letting someone
named Rocco Friedman drive you...

...to a Bucket of Hate concert.

That's it. Just no?

Oh, I'm sorry.

No way in hell.

Oh, man.

- What's going on?
- My dad sucks.

You know, in certain primitive cultures,
when a boy hits puberty...

...they tie him to a big rock,
and throw him in the ocean.

- No, they don't.
- Okay.

But you can't argue with the logic.

No, I can't.

Here. Your girlfriend's in the paper.

Really? What for?

She's being honored by the Southern
California Trial Lawyers Association.

"Judge of the Year."

Yeah, I guess it's time to get out
the old tux for the banquet, huh?

What banquet?

The one at the Beverly Hilton
next Saturday.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to that.

Why not?

You know,
I hate the whole dog and pony show.

Getting dressed up,
speeches, rubber chicken...

- She didn't invite you, did she?
- Didn't even mention it.

That's gotta sting.

You know, I agree with Jake.

You do suck.

God, Charlie, you are great.

No.

I'm serious.

You are the best lover I have ever had.

It's probably just the flawless
technique and the big penis.

Probably.

I was wondering.

- You got any plans next Saturday?
- Next Saturday?

Oh, as a matter of fact, I do.

What might they be?

The plans?

Just some business thing. Very boring.

- Business.
- Yeah, business.

Might this be
the business we're speaking of?

"Dilbert"?

This?

Oh, that.

Oh, I can explain.

I would love an explanation.

Well, I just thought
it wouldn't be your kind of thing.

You know, it's just judges,
lawyers, local politicians.

- Are you going with somebody else?
- No.

So you'd rather go alone than take me?

I know it seems that way.

- You're ashamed of me, aren't you?
- Oh, no, Charlie.

Sure, you can use me for sex, but
God forbid we're out in public together.

That is not true.

And let me remind you.

It's the best sex you've ever had.

- Charlie...
- Your words, not mine.

Look, the last thing in the world
I wanna do is hurt your feelings.

Well, you have.

Would you like to go with me
to the banquet?

No. I don't wanna go
where I'm not wanted.

- What do you want me to do? Beg?
- A little, yeah.

Please come with me to the banquet.

A little more.

Pretty please?

Come with me.

All right.

But then we gotta talk
about this banquet thing.

Jake, do you want Grandmommy
to teach you how to use chopsticks?

Don't confuse him.
He just learned how to use a fork.

Real funny, Alan.

Alan? What happened to Dad?

He turned into Benito Mussoroni.

The San Francisco treat?

It's Mussolini, professor.

He's upset, I won't let him
go to a concert.

- Why not?
- Because there's no adult supervision.

Oh, don't be such a fuddy-duddy, Alan.

He's a teenager. Teenagers don't go
to concerts with their parents.

I'm with Evelyn on this.

Forget it.
You are not going to the concert.

Oh, listen to you.

Remember I said you couldn't go
to that Peter Frampton concert?

You snuck out of the house
and went anyway.

- Really?
- Mom, no.

I was in Martinique at the time,
but the housekeeper was beside herself.

And I was severely punished
for that, right?

Oh, sure, I tried grounding you,
and taking away TV privileges.

But at a certain point, every parent
has to accept that they're powerless...

...when it comes
to controlling a teenager.

- Really?
- No.

No, not really.

Parents are powerful, very powerful.

No, no:

No, trust me.
I'm only doing this for your own good.

What the hell was that?

The same thing Grandma did.

No, it's not. You sound
like you're coughing up a fur ball.

Yeah, well, I'm making the same point.

Did it even occur to you
that you could help me?

I was not put on this Earth
to help you, Alan.

You're my mother.

Yes, and as you never tire
of pointing out, not a good one.

Hey, Alan, do we have
any snack bars?

Right-hand cabinet. Why?

Oh, I need something
to soak up the booze...

...I'll have to drink
to make it through this dinner.

What's the occasion?

My girlfriend is being honored
at a banquet.

Oh, I thought the Adult Film Awards
were in Vegas.

She happens to be a judge.

Of the Adult Film Awards?

No. No.

A judge
in the Los Angeles Municipal Court.

So do I look okay?

It's a tuxedo. You can't go wrong.

I wanna fit in.
This is a very conservative crowd.

Well, then you can go wrong.

Thanks. Like I'm not nervous?

Oh, sweetheart, if you're nervous,
just try one of these. It'll relax you.

Oh, perfect.

Charlie, you just can't pop a pill
without knowing what it is.

She just said what it is.
Thanks, Mom, gotta go.

Bye, sweetheart. Have a
good time with your judge, darling.

That will last.

I don't know.
I think he's really trying on this one.

What?

Nothing.

Guess I'll just have to watch my DVD
of Fantasia on the natch tonight.

Congratulations, Your Honor.

- Well deserved.
- Oh, thank you, councilman.

I'd like you to meet my friend
Charlie Harper.

Charlie, this is Councilman Stewart.

- Charlie?
- Yeah, hi. How are you?

Again, congratulations.

Thanks.

Charlie, are you okay?

I'm wonderful.

Look at all the colors.

It's like I'm drinking a rainbow.

Hang on. He's probably in his room.

Jake, your mom's on the phone.

Jake?

Jake?

Son of a bitch.

- Alan, what's going on? Are you all right?
- What?

Oh, I stubbed my toe.

Yeah, yeah. It may be broken.

Yeah, I'm gonna go
to the emergency room.

Oh, no, no, I have to take
Jake with me...

...so we can go in the carpool lane.

Jake, help Daddy find his toenail.

I'll have him call you later, okay?

Son of a bitch.

So without further ado,
here's our guest of honor...

...Judge of the Year,
and I'm proud to say my good friend...

...Judge Linda Harris.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Who the judge? You the judge.

I'm hitting that.

Los Angeles, thank you.

Hey, look who's here.

Keep it down.

Right, we don't wanna wake me.

What are you doing sitting out here?

I can't stand up.

Don't make a thing out of it.

What are you doing?

I snuck out to see a concert.

No way.

That is so cool.

Okay.

Third time's the charm.

Hey, wanna know what else is cool?

Check this out.

Hey, hey, I'm caroling here.

You should be bringing me Cocoa
and Gingerbread.

Cocoa and gingerbread?

Yeah.

They work at the Spearmint Rhino.

But I digress.

- Where were we?
- My dad doesn't know I went out.

So now I have to sneak back in.

Well, then you certainly
don't wanna go through this door.

- Why not?
- Why not?

I'll tell you why not.

- What?
- Why not?

Why not what?

Why can't I go through that door?

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

If I know your dad, and sadly I do...

...he's sitting in there right now,
just waiting to tie you to a rock...

...and throw you in the ocean.

What?

Sorry.
I may have put the idea in his head.

Follow me.

- Where are we going?
- Hey, I'll ask the questions.

Where are we going?

All right.

I'm okay.

Here, grab my... What do you call it?

- Hand.

I'm okay.

That's great.
But you're sitting on my head.

Do you have any idea
how much trouble you're in?

I do not.

Do you have any idea
how beautiful you look in that light?

- I'm not talking to you.
- Well, I'm not talking to you either.

Except for right now.

This is me talking to you,
but no longer.

Would you please just go to sleep?

Okey-dokey.

- You and I have some talking to do.
- Will you make up your freaking mind?

Morning.

What? You're not talking to me?

I looked up patricide.

Really?

When did you learn to spell?

I sounded it out.

Patricide, huh?

Our little boy is growing up.

He's just upset because he snuck out.

So I grounded him for three months.

- That ought to show him.
- What am I gonna do, Berta?

- I can't hit him.
- Well, sure you can.

You just gotta figure the wind,
and lead him.

They're like pheasants.

Very funny.

What?

Charlie's gonna wanna see this.

No, he's not.

Charlie, wake up.

You need to see this.

Can I throw up in it?

- No.
- Then I don't need to see it.

Charlie, do you remember
what you did last night?

Oh, damn it.

Did I get married?

Hardly.

Oh, you just know she's gonna
find a way to make this my fault.

You climbed out the window?

And got into a car
driven by a 17-year-old boy.

It wasn't a car, Dad.
It was an extremely safe monster truck.

I mean, even if Rocco hit another car,
he'd just crush it.

The point is,
you disobeyed your father.

That doesn't mean
I have to get grounded.

In my opinion,
your punishment isn't severe enough.

- Your mother's right.
- How come nobody asks my opinion?

Go to your room.
I will talk to you later.

Fine.

Hey, thanks for backing me up here,
Judith.

Now that he's a teenager,
we need to stick together to...

You don't have a brain in your head,
do you?

You have to watch teenagers, Alan.

You can't just expect
they'll listen and obey.

God, you're useless.

Here. Let me give you a hand.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Now, come with me.

- Where are we going?
- You're going back to your room.

But I am going
to the sweet land of vindication.

Oh, Judith.

Yes?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize.

I am sorry about last night.

You're sorry for ruining one of the most
important nights of my career?

For embarrassing me
within an inch of my life?

Well, yeah.

I mean, unless I did something else.

No, you did quite enough. Thank you.

Look, I understand why you're mad.

But it really wasn't my fault.

I was nervous about last night,
so my mother gave me...

...what I assumed
was one of her tranquilizers.

Now I'm thinking it was
a little something...

...she had left over
from Woodstock.

Charlie, look,
you're a lot of fun and I like you.

But people are talking about me
running for state senate next year.

And I can't afford to be linked publicly
to someone like you.

Well, that's not a problem.

We'll just sneak around
and link privately.

No, Charlie.

Come on, all the guy politicians
have something on the side.

Why shouldn't you?

Take care.

It would send a powerful message
to young women everywhere.

- Bailiff.
- I'm going.

Pretty flowers.

Thanks.

Wanna stick them in something?

Never mind.

I thought I was up to it, Alan.

I thought I was ready
for a real relationship.

That Linda and I would be a team.

I'd stand by her as an accomplished
woman and a judge...

...and she'd stand by me as a...

Reformed whoremonger?

- So you believe I was trying?
- I do.

You know what? Someday, you'll look
back on this as a growing experience.

Maybe. Someday.

Oh, who could that be?

- I ordered some takeout.
- Oh, nice.

- Italian?
- Nope.

Hi. Are you Charlie?

Yeah. Come on in.

Greek.

Be patient with me.

I'm coming off a bad breakup.

And as usual,
Alan gets chicken pot pie.