Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 5 - Putting Swim Fins on a Cat - full transcript

Charlie hasn't had a paying gig for months, so Alan becomes part of a drug study to make extra money. Meanwhile, Charlie tries to bond with Linda's four-year-old son.

- Hey.
- Hey, what are you doing home?

Linda's spending time
with her son tonight.

Apparently she's one of those
single moms that puts her kid first.

The bitch.

You're just saying that
because our mom put us third.

Fourth after she got the Datsun 280Z.

So, what you doing?

Paying our household bills.

You're a good wife, Alan.

I can't believe some lucky fella
hasn't snapped you up.

Probably the penis.

That's usually a deal breaker.

So how are we doing, bill-wise?

Not very well.

Are you aware you haven't had
a paying job in over nine months?

Are you aware
that urine cures athlete's foot?

Seriously, you've got a big pile of bills
and no money coming in.

Seriously, no burning,
no itching, just clears it right up.

The drug companies don't want you
to know about it because it's free.

Charlie, you're unemployed.

I know. Haven't you heard?
The jingle business is dead.

How would I hear that?
Who would have told me?

It was in all the jingle magazines.

You know,
before they went out of business.

Everybody's using old rock songs now.

They're not gonna hire me
to write a jingle for tampons...

...when they can just play
"Stuck in the Middle With You."


This doesn't concern you at all?

- No, something will turn up.
- How can you be so sure?

Hey, do you have any idea
how I got in the jingle business?

- No.
- Neither do I.

But look how good that worked out.

Charlie, you cannot depend
on the kindness of the universe.

I have to.

I don't have an older brother
I can sponge off of.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go pee on my feet.


Oh, crap.

- Berta, you got a minute?
- What's on your mind, princess?

Well, first and foremost... know that we consider you
a beloved member of this family.

Alan, you can roll manure in powdered
sugar, but it still ain't a jelly doughnut.

Now see, right there...

...that's one of the things
that we love about you, you know.

- Folksy-
- Spill it, Mildred.

Right, right, well,
I'm not sure you're aware of this...

...but it has been quite some time
since Charlie has had any actuaI income.


And I can't help but notice...

...that you're the only beloved
family member actually drawing a salary.

I'm also the only
beloved family member...

...who takes a toothbrush
to your kid's skivvies.

And we can never begin
to repay you for that.

But during these difficult financiaI times,
we all have-

For the record,
it's not my toothbrush, right?

Not right now,
but cut my pay and all bets are off.

Oh, come on, Berta, be reasonable.

This might be more than just
a temporary dry spell for Charlie.

Look, I know
things may seem dark right now...

...but I've known Charlie
a lot longer than you have.

- Technically, that's not true.
- Are you gonna let me talk?


One thing I've learned
working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper-

- His middle name isn't Roscoe.
- Who's telling the story?


Anyway, what I've learned
is God takes care of drunks and fools.

And C. Roscoe Harper is both.

His middle name is Francis.

Hi, what's going on?

Trying to save you a little money here.

Good man, appreciate it.

Check out what I bought Linda.

Diamond earrings?

She's a classy woman, Alan.

She's not gonna be impressed
with a continentaI breakfast...

...and a copy of the video.

Be that as it may, you can't keep
spending money you don't have.

Oh, relax. Something will turn up.

Will you stop saying that?
Things don't just turn up.

You're living in a dream world.
Money doesn't just fall from the sky.

Obviously you've never been
sitting ringside...

...when a pole dancer
hangs upside down.

So did you buy this for your girlfriend
because you're breaking up with her?

No, why would you think that?

Because you always give jewelry to girls
you're getting ready to dump.

Very observant.

You watch, you learn.

Well, this isn't breakup jewelry,
this is " I like you, stick around" jewelry.

- What's the difference?
- About 1500 bucks.

But let's back up a step.

A gentleman never dumps a lady.

He merely acknowledges the fact
that a relationship has run its course... presenting her with a memento...

...a keepsake if you will,
of their time together.

Remember that big blond
who threw the toaster oven at you?

Yeah, I remember.

Oh, and that yoga teacher...

...who chucked the fire extinguisher
through your windshield.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- There was that actress who set fire-
- It's not a perfect system, Jake.

Oh, Charlie, they're beautiful.

You do realize I was going to sleep
with you tonight anyway.

This is just a little bonus.

Like when you get to a baseball game
and find out it's helmet night.

You silver-tongued devil.

Well, I don't know about silver,
but you'll find I am tongued.

If you ignore that,
there's a matching necklace in it for you.

Why don't you open the wine?

Gary, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry, I tried to call
but your line's been busy.

My line's been busy?
I haven't been on the phone.

Well, I must have called 20 times.

Fine. What do you want?

I have to work tonight
and I can't take Brandon.

- But I have company.
- And I have an emergency board meeting.

- Who are you?
- I'm Charlie.

I'm Brandon.

Nice to meet you, Brandon.

You know,
I have a nephew about your age.

Hey, Dad, did you get Mom a present
when you got divorced?

A present?

Yeah, a memento of your time together.

Jake, buddy, you're the memento
of our time together.

So you were too cheap
to get her earrings.

She did better than earrings.

She got my family jewels.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Mom.

When you die,
do I get Dad's family jewels?

- What?
- Nothing, just go inside.

- Okay, well, thanks for dropping him off.
- Judith, hang on a second.


- How's it going?
- Good.

So your new marriage going well?
Herb's okay?

What do you want, Alan?

Charlie's business is dead,
I'm gonna be homeless.

Well, you can't stay here.

Oh, no, no,
that's not what I was getting at...

...but it's good to know
that door is firmly closed.

No, what I was hoping was that
we could talk about the child support.

What about my child support?

Well, technically, it's Jake's
child support, hence the term " child."

But I just thought maybe
we could make some trims.

For instance, the karate classes,
the archery lessons...

...the algebra tutor.

I mean, I don't know about you,
but I've never seen him... know, break a board
or string a bow.

And the algebra tutor,
I mean, who are we kidding?

That's like putting swim fins on a cat.

He needs the tutor, he likes the lessons
and I'm not gonna ask Herb to pay.

- That's okay, I'll ask him. Is he home?
- Goodbye, Alan.

How about I stay in Jake's tree house?
He never uses it.

Kid doesn't even like to climb stairs.

Come on, sweetheart, just one little bite.


He's usually not this cranky.

Have you tried a little whiskey
in his sippy cup?

- Charlie.
- I'm just saying, it worked for my brother.

- You really did that?
- Still do it.

You know what,
I'm just gonna make him a hot dog.

- You want a hot dog?
- Sure.

- I was talking to my son.
- What, you just got the one?

I'll be right back.

Come on, kid, just have a little corn
and then bedtime.

- For both of us.
- No.

Oh, for the love of God.

I don't come to Gymboree
and knock the blocks out of your hand.

Come on.

It's corntastic.

I like corn
It tastes real sweet

I don't like peas
They taste like feet

Corn's the king
Of the veggie-food group

And it looks the same
When it's in your poop

Son of a bitch.

I mean, golly.


Hi, Mom.

Hello, Alan.

Got a minute?


I mean, could you come to the door?


Please, Mom, it's important.
I'm having a real crisis here.

Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.

Well, good luck with that.

Mom, please.

I'm such a pushover.

The money isn't just for me.
It's for Charlie and your only grandson.

I'll just be a minute, Teddy.

What can I do for you, Alan?

Nothing. Never mind.

What? I'm not entitled to a love life?

I'm ready for my punishment,

So you must be getting tired, huh?

No shame in calling it a night.

I gotta go pee-pee.

All right, go ahead.

First pee-pee then beddy-bye.
Beats the other way around, trust me.

I gotta go pee-pee now.

Linda, he says he's gotta go pee-pee.

- Would you mind taking him?
- Me?

He can't undo his pants
and I'm doing the dishes.

Fine, let's go pee-pee.

Don't feel bad.

I can't always undo my pants either.

- What are you waiting for?
- I don't have to anymore.

Linda, he says
he doesn't have to anymore.

Trust me, he has to.

- You heard the lady, let her rip.
- No.

Okay, okay, how about this?

You're a giant, and there's a tiny village
in the toilet bowI that's on fire...

...and you have to put it out
by whizzing all over it.

Hey, look.

Here comes the giant now.

I had a root beer
I had a Coke

I need to pee
Hey, I smell smoke

Giant, giant
Up in the sky

Grab your fire hose
Let it fly

Close your windows
Lock your doors

Because when I rain
It really pours

There you go.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm the only one
who gets to pee on my feet.

Come on, buddy, right in here.

Hey, Berta, look what I got.

Big deal. It's a freaking miracle
you don't have 10 of them.

This is Linda's son, Brandon.

I'm Brandon.

I got ears.

So, what's he doing here?

- I'm babysitting.
- You?

- Why not me?
- You're a rum-soaked degenerate.

Yeah, but it turns out I have child skills.

I already got him to eat his vegetables
and make pee-pee in the toilet.

So, " Do as I say, not as I do," huh?

Are you gonna help me or what?

Hey, his mom's not throwing me any.

Don't get the wrong idea.

Your mom and I are actually
in a committed relationship.

So if I sign up for this drug trial...

...I take these pills not knowing...

...if I'm getting the anxiety medication
or a placebo?

That's correct.

The test group
gets the actuaI medication...

...and the control group
is being given sugar pills.

So is there anything
I should know about?

Any side effects or anything?

Well, that's one of the purposes
of the research.

But in tests of this nature,
common side effects include:

"Dry mouth, hair loss,
blurred vision, inflamed gums."

- Okay.
- " Mild nausea.

Heart palpitations, liver damage.

Boils, shingles, sudden fainting...

...and temporary darkening of the stool."

Good Lord.

How much do you pay people to do this?

- A thousand dollars a week.
- I'm in.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's not a toy.

That's how I make my living. Not
so much anymore, but still, be careful.

I wanna play.

All right.

Play this one.

And this one.

That's great.

Now it's my turn.

This is a little tune I wrote for my nephew
when he was feeling down in the dumps.

I know that the winter
Follows the fall

And in New York
The buildings are tall

I hear that in China
They have a Great Wall

I know these things and more

But there's just one answer
I'm still looking for

Who cut the cheese?
Who cut the cheese?

I ask you, please
Did you cut the cheese?

I'm not averse to learnin '
Tell me why my eyes are burnin '

Who cut the cheese?


Who cut the cheese?
Who cut the cheese?

I ask you, please
Did you cut the cheese?

I'm not averse to learnin '
Tell me why my eyes are burnin '

Who cut the cheese?

I can't thank you enough.

No problem, we had fun.

Look, after I drop him off at his dad's,
why don't I come back...

...and show my appreciation
for those earrings?

Gee, I'd love to, but it's been a long day.

I just wanna soak in a hot bath
and have a little me time.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

Hey, hey, hey,
while you were off having fun at work...

...I was cooped up all day in this house
taking care of your child.

Okay, sorry.

I'm just saying I'm not a light switch.

I'll call you later.

Oh, wait, wait.
I made something for Brandon.

I sang some songs for him,
he seemed to like them... I burned them onto a CD.

Oh, how sweet.

Clearly you're not familiar with my work.

Anyway, he seemed to dig them.

Well, thank you.

Hi, Alan.


I don't think I'm in the control group.

Are you really sure you should be
taking those pills with beer?

What else can happen to me, Charlie?

My hair is coming out,
I'm having fainting spells...

...I can see my heart beating
through my shirt...

...and my poop looks like
charcoaI briquettes.

So stop taking the medication.

It's $1000 a week.
We need the money.

Oh, relax. Something will turn up.

Something's already turned up.

I'm pretty sure I dropped a third testicle.


Hang on.

It's Linda's ex-husband.
He wants to talk to you.

- I don't wanna talk to him, talk to him.
- I'm not gonna.

Come on. You've got 30 percent
more balls than I do.

Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie.

What about Brandon?

Oh, good, good,
I'm glad he likes the songs.

Yeah, Linda mentioned
you were in the music business.

Well, that's flattering, but I already have
a very lucrative career writing jingles.

I don't see myself walking away
from that to record children's songs.

How much?

I'm in.

How about that? Something turned up.

Send the papers over.

Great, great.

No, no, I love kids.
And more important, they love me.

No, no, no. None of my own.