Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 5, Episode 7 - Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room - full transcript

After Alan gets in a fight with Charlie over a decorative bowl, Alan and Jake move in with Alan's mom.

- Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.
- Just once, I'd like to get clothes that fit.

Well, quit going through puberty
and we'll talk about it.

Quit being so cheap
and we'll talk about it.

Hey, hey, watch your mouth.

Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Oh, yeah? Wait till he tries on
the underwear I bought him.

- What's that?
- A decorative bowl.

I thought it'd be perfect
to put our keys in.

Yeah, well, I don't like it. Take it back.

But it was on sale.

I don't care if you got it free with a
paid subscription to Ugly Bowl Illustrated.

I don't want it on my table.

- Why not?
- Why not?

Look around. It doesn't fit the d?cor.

D?cor? You call this d?cor?

- What would you call it?
- Random crapola.

The deep-sea helmet.
The fake jazz posters.

Add an old snow sled
and baseball pennants...

...and you can open a T.G.I. Friday's.

Excuse me, but everything in this house
has a story behind it.

Oh, really? Oh, so, what's the story
behind this urn thing?

Some girl gave that to me.

- That's it?
- She spent the weekend.

- Great story.
- No, great weekend.

Okay, okay, what about this
umbrella stand that has no umbrellas?

A girl gave me that too.

- Another great weekend?
- Not so great, it was raining.

All right, why don't you pretend
a girl gave you this bowl?

It doesn't work that way.

You'd have to wear high heels and give
it to me naked, and nobody wants that.

Fine, whatever, I like the bowl.

Okay, Alan, you're not feeling me.
I don't want your bowl on my table.

I can't have one stupid thing
in this house?

Hey, leave Jake out of this.

- Very funny. You know what I mean.
- Actually, I don't.

The fact is, this house reeks of you
and your crap.

- Oh, really? Like what?
- Like this lamp.

You bought this lamp. I hate this lamp.

Why didn't you say something
two years ago?

Because I didn't notice it until recently.

The couch. You reupholstered the couch
and I liked it better the way it was.


Hey, every one of those stains
had a story behind it.

What I'm saying is
you got nothing to complain about.

You got your food in my refrigerator,
your car in my garage...

...and your stupid flowered towels
in my guest bathroom.

Those towels are pretty.
They brighten up the whole room.

They're gay and they scream
"civil union."

Oh, they do not.

"We're here, we're queer,
dry your hands on us."

Okay, you know what?
You are being ridiculous.

When you wanna have a rational
conversation, I'll be in my room.

It's not your room, it's my guest room.

Well, obviously we disagree
about my role in this household.

We sure do.
You think you have one, and I don't.

And get rid of that welcome mat
you put on my front porch.

No one's welcome here.

Charlie, I'm telling you right now,
I am not gonna sleep with you tonight.

Where'd that come from?
Buy you a couple of drinks, invite you...

...back to my house and all of a sudden
you think I wanna sleep with you?

Well, you mean you don't?

Hey, we just met.
Let's talk, get to know each other.

If later down the road
something happens, great.

If not, we've each made a new friend.

That is very sweet.

Well, my mother raised me... be respectful of women,
and I've always said...

Son of a bitch.


That. That's what.

Butterscotch candies?

In about 30 seconds, they're gonna be
butterscotch suppositories.

So you noticed it.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I don't want this stupid bowl
in my living room.

No, you said you didn't want it
on the front table for keys.

So I put it on the coffee table for candy.

Yeah, well,
now it's on your head for a hat.

I am sorry,
I had to set my brother straight...

I don't know why you're making
such a big deal. It is a nice bowl.

It is a hideous bowl.
It makes me nauseous just to look at it.

- You're being ridiculous. Isn't this nice?
- It's okay.

- See? Two against one.
- No, no, no. No, there's no voting.

You're just a freeloader and she's some
one-night stand I picked up at a ba...


- Goodbye, Charlie.
- Oh, come on, don't leave.

You know what the worst part is?
I actually believed the things you said.

You're kidding.

- Thanks a lot.
- What did I do?

- You made me blow a sure thing.
- Didn't look like a sure thing.

I could have brought her around.

Why don't we just admit it? This isn't
about the bowl, this isn't about the girl.

- This is about my place in this house.
- No, no, no.

It is about the bowl, it is about the girl,
and you have no place in this house.

- You really believe that?
- What do you want from me, Alan?

I took you in. I took your kid in.

All I ask is you don't fill up my home
with your junk.

It's not junk. It's an inlaid mosaic dish
handcrafted on the island of Macao.

Yeah, well...

Now it's rubble
from the island of Macao.

I hope you're happy.

Really? I don't think you do.

Let me tell you something, Charlie.

You said you took me and my kid
into your home, but you didn't.

You took us into your house.
We made it a home.

- Is that so?
- Yes, that's so.

Before we got here this was an empty
space where you sat around, got drunk...

...and had sex with women
you don't care about.

There was no love, no family,
and no meaning.

There's a word for that, Alan. Utopia.

- I heard something break.
- You're just coming out now?

I was establishing my alibi.

- Well, go pack your stuff, we're leaving.
- But I have an alibi.

You're my son. Where I go, you go.

I don't remember that
in the custody agreement.

Okay, we're leaving.

- Say goodbye to your Uncle Charlie.
- Bye, Uncle Charlie.

- You don't have to go, Jake.
- See?

- Get in the car.
- But he likes me.

I'm not bluffing, Charlie.

If you're not willing to acknowledge me
as an equal member of this household...

...then I can't live here anymore.

Is that all it will take to get you to stay?



So this is about a bowl?

- No, the bowl is a symbol.
- Of what?

- Of how your Uncle Charlie treats us.
- He treats me fine.

- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah, he does.

I don't wanna talk about this.

How come when I don't wanna talk
about stuff we still have to?

Just be quiet.

So are we going to a hotel?

We don't need hotels, buddy.

We're two single guys on the open road.
Footloose and fancy-free.

The whole world is at our feet.

If you're too cheap for a hotel,
I call the back seat.


Hi, Mom.

Hi, Grandma.

It's late. What do you want?

Charlie and I had a fight.
Jake and I need a place to sleep.

Only because he's too cheap to get a...
We need a place to sleep.

We have nowhere else to go.

Oh, wonderful. Be right there.

Are you sure we can't sleep in the car?

Then he said
that I had no place in his house.

- Can you believe it? My own brother.
- He likes me.

Hey, when I want your opinion,
I'll ask for it.

Then I said, if he's not willing
to acknowledge me... an equal member of the household
then I can't live there anymore.

So this is about a bowl?

- No, haven't you been listening?
- Frankly, no.

Don't feel bad.
I thought it was about a bowl too.

So look, Alan, I just got back
from a long business trip...

...and your mom and I were about to...

Catch up.

Would you like to sleep
in your father's car tonight?

Actually, yes.

Look, look, we're sorry for barging in.

Jake and I will just bunk
in the guest room. Come on.

You know, I'm really getting tired
of this "where I go, you go" stuff.

Oh, great, now we have to
put on clothes for breakfast.

That's the least of our problems.

All our leather gear is in the guest room.

- Morning.
- Morning.

I couldn't help but notice the guys from
Goodwill hauling away Alan's hide-a-bed.

Oh, yeah. He doesn't live here anymore.

- No kidding. Alan's gone?
- Yep.

So you couldn't think for even a second
that I might want a hide-a-bed?

Sorry. You want some flowered towels?


- So, what broke you two lovebirds up?
- He crossed a line.

- Must've been a big one.
- Very big.

- Was it money?
- Worse.

- A woman?
- Worse.

What's worse than money and women?

He bought an ugly bowl
and put it on the front table.


When I told him to get rid of it, he filled it
with candy and put it on the coffee table.

Dear God.

- What kind of candy?
- Butterscotch.

I mean, the son of bitch.

- Are you making fun of me?
- I'm trying.

So what, you think I should just let him
put a candy dish wherever he wants?

No, you're right. He obviously had to go.

He's an ungrateful parasite
who overstepped his boundaries.

- Exactly.
- While you on the other hand...

...are a completely reasonable man
with no control issues whatsoever.

- I don't pay you to mock me.
- Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.

Fruit. That's all you got, fruit?

Don't you ever have fruit for breakfast?

Well, yeah, Frankenberries.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

If I had known you were coming,
I would've stocked up on crap.

Well, maybe we can go
crap shopping later.

So, what's the plan?

You gonna patch things up
with your brother...

...and go home?

Not until he apologizes.

- Oh, sweet Lord.
- Oh, jeez.

Don't worry, I'll find my own place.
We'll only be here a few days, tops.

Yeah, right. That's what you told
Uncle Charlie when we moved there.

If you remember, when Judith and I broke
up, you were begging me to live here.

Yes, well, I didn't have a boyfriend then
and Jake was still cute.

Alan, can we have a little man-to-man?


I'm just going through
an awkward stage.

You hope.

Al, I know how you feel.
I had an older brother too.

- Really?
- Yep.

Scotty. I worshiped him.

But ever since I can remember...

...he did everything he could
to make my life miserable.

- That's my life with Charlie.
- No kidding.

Well, then, maybe my experience
can help you.

When my parents died, Scotty
took me in. It was just the two of us.

Then one day I got so angry with the
way he was treating me, I walked out.

I haven't seen him or talked to him in...
I don't know, maybe 35 years.

Yeah. I don't know where he lives.
I don't know whether he's alive or dead.

All I do know is he's the only family
I have left in the world.

And despite all the bad stuff,
I want him back in my life.

But it's too late for me.

I'm not going back to Charlie's
unless he apologizes.

Yep, that's what I said
about my brother Artie.

I thought his name was Scotty.

I had two brothers.

What are you doing?

Just looking.

You miss him, don't you?

No, I'm trying to figure out
if there's room for a pool table.

- Oh, hey, Teddy.
- Charlie, you got a minute?

- Sure, I guess. Come on in.
- Thanks.

Hey, what about air hockey
and a wet bar?


- How are you?
- Better now.


- What?
- Introduce us, you porkhead.

Oh, sorry.
Berta, this is my mom's boyfriend Teddy.

- Teddy, my housekeeper Berta.
- A pleasure.

It could be if you play your cards right.

You'll be fine. Just don't wander
into the laundry room without backup.

Fine. Listen, I got a situation here
with your brother.

I'm sorry, Teddy. He cannot
come back until he apologizes.

- I understand, but the thing is...
- Did he tell you about the bowl?


And I know what you're going through.
I had a younger brother too.

- Really?
- Yeah, Scotty.

A worthless sponge
who lived off me for years...

...and never showed any appreciation.

- That's my life with Alan.
- No kidding.

Well then, maybe my experience
could help you.

When my parents died,
I took Scotty in...

Here's your father when he was going
through his awkward stage.

He looks exactly the same.

Which is why we can't count on you
growing out of it.

Here is your Uncle Charlie in front
of the Beverly Hills courthouse...

...when he was about 17.

- What's he look so happy about?
- Being tried as a minor.

Here's one of your Grandmommy
on a cruise to Mazatl?n.

Who's that lady
with her arm around you?

Well, darling,
after your grandfather passed away...

...Grandmommy wanted
to explore her sexuality...

Mom, Mom.

- What are you doing? He's only 13.
- Oh, please.

When I was 13,
I was in an all-girls boarding school...

...and we were quite familiar...
- Mom.



No luck.

- Damn.
- What's wrong?

Everything's fine, darling.

Why don't we talk in the other room?

Last time I heard that,
I ended up in Bible camp.

- They sound angry.
- Yeah.

What do you think
they're arguing about?

I don't know.

Maybe Teddy found out
Grandma's part lesbian.

Teddy and I had a fight.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

I love you and I miss you
and I want you to come back.

What if I wanna put a bowl
on the coffee table?

Nothing would make me happier.

As soon as they leave, I'm tearing off
your clothes with my teeth.


You know, I like this bowl
even better than the other one.


Wasn't even on sale.

- No kidding.
- Yep.

Paid full retail, 14.99.

Anyway, I'm gonna go unpack.

- Do you need some help?
- No, I'm good.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Yeah?

From the bottom of my heart...

...thank you
for being the bigger man here.

Don't mention it.

My house
In the middle of my street

My house


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