Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Spit-Covered Cobbler - full transcript

Alan finally has an attractive date, 22 year-old Kandi, but she's even dumber then Jake, and as Charlie rightly points out girls that age are extremely high maintenance. Charlie has his fun seeing Alan struggle with the growing pile of bills, driving him to raid Jake's mammoth piggy bank and taking a second job as pizza deliverer, but still helps his double-plucked brother when wicked ex Judith insists on alimony. Alas Kandi...

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men S03E18 - The Spit-Covered Cobbler - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

Alan, I forgot my toothbrush.
Can I use yours?

Oh, dear Lord, no.

Do you have any idea
how many bacteria...

...can be transferred
on a toothbrush?

I don't know. How many?

Okay, I don't know
the actual amount.

Then why did you bring it up?

Poor judgment.

The point is, sharing these things
is a bad idea.

Are you saying you don't want
your toothbrush in my mouth...?

I know, I know.
I get the hypocrisy. Just humor me.

Okay, I have hard,
medium or soft bristles.

I have straight or curved handles.

And for your flossing needs...

...I have waxed, mint-waxed,

If you're feeling especially adventurous,
may I suggest the cinnamon?

Maybe I'll just wait till I get home.

No, no. One day you skip brushing
and before you know it...

...your teeth rot away and you're
begging strangers to start your apple.

Fine. I'll take the pink one.

I always wondered, what's
the rubber thing at the end for?

It's to massage your gums.

Oh, I thought it might be an eraser.

But who writes
when they're brushing their teeth?

I don't know.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.
Well, I kind of have to pee.

- Go ahead.
- Oh, no, I'll wait till you're finished.

Are you shy about peeing
in front of me? Because, Alan...

Again, I get the hypocrisy.

I think it's important to keep
a little mystery in a relationship.

It's just peeing, Alan.

Not necessarily.

Sometimes when a man urinates...

...other muscles see that
as a green light to relax.

So you've never peed
in front of a girl?

Well, my ex-wife, but after six,
seven years of marriage...

...who gives a damn anymore?

- Okay, I'll brush out here.
- Thank you.

- What?
- One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.

When was the last time
you saw a dentist?

Alan, I see people all the time.

They don't always tell you
what they do.

Hey, are you done?
Because I gotta rinse.

No, I can't go
when I know you're listening.

Would it help if I sang
the pee-pee song?

- The what?
- My mom used to sing it to me.

Tinkle, tinkle, little star
In the potty not the car

Up above the bowl so high
Like the raindrops in the sky

Hey, hey, it's working.

Green light.

Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop.

- Should I try it again?
- Not yet.

Okay, now.

Okay, stop, stop, stop.


- Morning.
- Morning, Charlie.

Need any help?

Do you know how to get
a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

Yeah, yank out the eight track
and push it off a cliff.

You're useless.


- You got a little grease on your face.
- Where?


Did I get it?

No, other side.

- Now?
- Little on your forehead.

- Yeah?
- Perfect.

Now sing "Swanee River."

Alan, should I try it again?

No. I'm gonna call AAA.

Good. No sense drinking over this.

You must be so proud.

Hey, she may not be sophisticated,
but she's street-smart.

Sesame Street-smart.

Just leave it alone.

Let me ask you something.
Have you stopped to consider...

...the long-term cost of a relationship
with a girl that young?

Charlie, it's a free tow.

Oh, sure. That's how it always starts,
with a free tow.

But who's gonna pay to fix the car
after it's towed?

"Um" is right, my dim-witted friend.

And that's just the beginning.

Girls like Kandi need
all kinds of stuff...

...the only way they can pay for it
is through horny morons like you.

Her car breaks down
and I should just dump her?

- This is a short-term relationship?
- I don't know.

Trust me,
it's a short-term relationship.

Kandi's not the brightest bulb
in the chandelier...

...but even she's gonna wake up...

...wonder what she's doing
shacked up with a penniless putz...

...who's twice her age.

Kandi's not like that.

Just wait.

Your first minor stroke and she'll be
boinking the cardiologist...

...before you can scrawl
"What happened? " On your note pad.

Okay, for the sake of argument...

...let's say you're right,
what's your point?

My point is, you don't dry-clean
a rented tuxedo.

You don't redecorate a hotel room.

You don't order cable
for a port-a-potty...

...unless you're really, really drunk.

And you don't take
on the bills of a girl...

...that's got the attention span of
a monkey chewing on a fly swatter.

Okay, I appreciate your... shall I describe it,
compassionate advice...

...but all I'm doing here
is arranging a free tow for a friend.

Alan, I don't think
the engine's flooded anymore.

- Fire extinguisher?
- Under the sink.

Hey, if you don't hurry up,
you'll be late.

I don't mind.

Okay, well, that takes
the pressure off.

How come my dad's not bringing me?

- He's helping Kandi get her car fixed.
- Oh, jeez.

And him already broker
than a headless hooker.

Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?

What gave you the idea
she hates her?

Because she says so.

A lot.

All right. Why do you think?

I don't know.
She's pretty, she's fun...

...and Dad seems real happy with her.

Well, little man, you just answered
your own question.

I did? What'd I say?

It's like this.
You ever see a kid at school...

...who doesn't like his lunch
but he won't let you have it?

Oh, yeah, Russell Beasley.

He'll spit on his apple cobbler
before he'll let anybody else eat it.

This is pretty much the same deal,
except your mom is Russell Beasley...

...and your dad
is the spit-covered cobbler.

I don't understand.

Though your mom
doesn't want your dad...

...she doesn't want Kandi
to eat him either.

You know,
I like cobbler with ice cream.

Way to follow a train of thought.


Well, I guess we should go
to school now.

Couldn't hurt.

I'll see if I can find my books.

Sweet kid.


Shame he'll never be anything
more than a burden to society.

Do you know a good lawyer, Alan?

No, but my ex-wife does.

- Why?
- Because I wanna sue the guy...

...who sold me that lemming.

- You mean lemon.
- I do?


Did you get any kind of a written
guarantee when you bought it?

No, it was more of an oral agreement.

All right, Mr. Harper,
I looked at your daughter's vehicle.

She's not my daughter.

Good for you.

the prognosis looks rather bleak.

- I understand.
- I mean, the vehicle was on fire.

I know.

What, is she like 21?

- Twenty-two.
- And a half.

Good for you.

- Yeah, what about the car?
- Oh, the car?

The cars gotta be 25, 26 years old.

- I mean, can it be fixed?
- Anything can be fixed.

Hell, they put a pig's heart
in my Uncle Vinnie.

- How much?
- All of it.

My Aunt Phyllis likes to call him
the other white meat now.

No, I mean how much to fix the car?

For you, three grand.


Once again, the car was on fire.

I had to wait an hour
before I could even touch it.

But I only paid 800 for it.

Eight hundred dollars?

I hate to be the bearer of sad tidings,
but some business person...

...has taken advantage
of your good nature.

Boy, that happens a lot.

Well, 3000 is out of the question.

It'd make more sense
just to get her a new car.

Oh, Alan, thank you.

That's the sweetest thing
anybody's ever done for me.

Good for you.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Why isn't your car in the garage?

I loaned it to Kandi.

And how much are you paying
to fix hers?

For your information, nothing.


Not a cent.

I'm leasing her a Saturn.

Tell me again about the free tow,

Come on, she needs a car...

...and the lease terms
are surprisingly reasonable.

They're practically giving them away.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna solve all your problems.

Wanna see it coming
or should I surprise you?

You're not funny.


Hang on a second.

It's your dentist, he wants to talk
to you about Kandi's teeth.

Thank you.

Hi, Dr. Weinberger.

Thanks for seeing her
on such short notice.

Can I have some privacy, please?

Sure, get your own place.

No, she's not covered
under my dental plan.

Twenty-two and a half.

Yeah, yeah, good for me.

Did you get a chance
to look at her tooth?

Oh, a root canal.

Well, how much is that?

What do you mean there's more?

Who told you
to look at her wisdom teeth?

That girl's got wisdom teeth?

Okay, what's the worst thing
that could happen...

...if you don't take them out?

How infected?

All right, if it has to be done,
it has to be done.

Yeah, send me the bill.

Okay, bye-bye.


Aim for the cheap seats.

Alan, what are you doing?

You know,
a little bit of a cash-flow crunch...

...and I thought I'd use this
to pay some bills.

I see.

Mind helping me out?


Promise me you'll spend it on food,
not whiskey.

My pain brings you
a lot of pleasure, huh?

I'm a simple man.

It's your ex-wife.

Oh, perfect. Get the bat.

This is the bat.


Oh, good. I was hoping it'd be you.

Of course I remember the Alamo.

Oh, you mean alimony.

I was thinking Davy Crockett,
Jim Bowie.

Oh, come on, Judith,
why can't we share a few chuckles?

Oh, no, no, I agree.

There's nothing chuckle-worthy
about a subpoena.

Well, you know, I will tell you what.

I will bring you the check
when I pick up Jake.

I promise.

Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.

You gotta pick up Jake.

- Why?
- Because I don't have her money.

It's in Kandi's mouth and Kandi's car.

What about The Treasure
of the Sierra Madre over there?

This? This is nothing.

One car payment
and maybe a bikini wax.

- Bikini wax?
- A girl's gotta keep those up.

It's a landscaping issue.

You just gotta buy me some time
with Judith.

What are you gonna do
with more time?

You can't sell your blood,
your ex-wife already took that.

And if you sell your sperm,
what's the point in dating Kandi?

Well, for your information,
I do have other options.

- Like what?
- I've been looking at part-time work.

And I have some very promising
auctions on eBay.

Oh, really? What are you auctioning?

Well, a few rare books,
a couple of lithos, a set of golf clubs.

Since when do you play golf?

Well, technically, they're your clubs.

You're stealing from me?

Oh, come on, you only bought them... you could go to Palm Springs
and pick up lesbians.

This is ridiculous.

Why don't you just ask me
to lend you some money?

- Would you lend me money?
- Absolutely.

If I hadn't taken a bath
on the Super Bowl.

Well, I need to do this by myself

You know, I still have my pride.

Wow, you really think that, huh?

Well, it doesn't matter
as long as I have Kandi.

She looks up to me,
she thinks I'm special.

She thinks I'm smart.

She thinks gazpacho
is Pinocchio's father.

What can I say, Charlie?
I'm crazy about her.

All right, I certainly don't wanna
stand in the way of your happiness.

Thank you.

- One question though.
- Yeah?

What are you gonna tell Jake...

...when he notices
his change jug is gone?

Oh, it'll be okay.
I left him a post-dated check.

It'll be good
by the time he goes to college.

Yeah, like that kid's going to college.

- Perfect, just perfect.
- Judith, I know what you're thinking...

I'll tell you what,
your brother's a little coward...

...who don't have guts
to face his responsibilities...

There's more to this
than meets the eye.

I suppose you're gonna explain it
to me.

I'm gonna try if you'll calm down
for a minute and listen.

- All right, I'm listening.
- Are you calm?

I'm listening.

Okay. You know why Alan's not here?
Because he's ashamed.

- Well, he should be.
- Judith, that's not listening.

He's ashamed because
no matter how hard he works...

...he just can't seem to get ahead.

You know,
his business is falling apart.

Really? He hasn't said anything.

Because he's too proud.

Poor guy lost all his chiropractic
walk-ins... an unlicensed massage parlor...

...that opened up right between him
and the Jamba Juice.

- You're kidding.
- I'm deadly serious.

Who's gonna pay
to have their spine adjusted...

...when for half the price
they can get their dingus dusted?

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

As it turns out,
I'm a bit of an expert.

And I'm telling you,
he's going under.

Oh, my God.

- You know he took a part-time job?
- No.

But you didn't hear it from me.

And please,
please don't say anything to Jake.

The last thing Alan wants... to look like a failure in the eyes
of that little boy in there.

Of course not.

- I won't say a word.
- Thank you.

Hey, where's Dad?

Just go with Uncle Charlie.


Why is Mom crying?

Because I'm good.

I'm very, very good.

I'm really getting tired of pizza.

Well, I'm off to work.

Get used to it.

Enjoy your pizza.

Alan, Alan, what are you doing?

I swear to God, I'll get your alimony
as soon as possible.

- No, please, don't worry about it.
- Really?

Charlie told me what's going on.

- I don't need the money right now.
- Really?

I haven't mentioned it.
When my grandmother passed away...

...she left me
a pretty substantial inheritance.


In fact, I want you to have this.

- Really?
- Pay me when you can.

The important thing is
you get back on your feet.

I'm so happy.

Hi, Huggy Bear.

Boy, I love the new car you got me.

Hi, Mrs. Harper,
doesn't he look cute in a mustache?

I'm so sad.

How's that pride doing?

Nice, they let you take a few home.

It's in lieu of health insurance.

Did you know they actually have
a little machine...

...that shoots the cheese
into the crust?

- Is that so?
- Yep.

It's a little high-pressure gun.

You can't kill yourself with it,

I tried.

I gotta tell you something, Alan,
this is from the bottom of my heart.

I think that you are the stupidest man
on the face of the Earth...

...but I admire your perseverance.

You're gonna have
to talk into the other ear.

This one's full of cheese.

Is that my Huggy Bear?

Yeah, it's him.

Hey, guess what.

You know my roommates Ellie
and Emmett?


Turns out they're not really
brother and sister... they started sleeping together.

Oh, that's lovely.

Anyway, now they're gonna get
their own place...

...and I don't know how
I'm gonna pay the rent by myself.

Oh, God, Kandi, I can't. I can't.
I'm all tapped out.

All I have left to put on eBay
is a kidney or a lung.

If I were you, I'd sell the kidney
because lungs don't grow back.

I'm sorry, honey...'re just gonna have to handle
your living situation on your own.

Okay. Hey, guess what else.

You've got a loved one who needs
either an operation or bail?

No, silly. I'm finished with the dentist
and my mouth is all better.


Hey, I've got an idea.
Why don't you move in with me?


I'm so screwed.

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