Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer - full transcript

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men S03E17 - The Unfortunate Little Schnauser - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

So any thoughts on what
you'd like for dinner this weekend?

You decide, honey.
I love everything you cook.

All of a sudden I'm a woman...

...because I cook and try to make
a nice home for you?

Okay, I heard it too. Shut up.

Ramming speed!

- Jake.
- Leave him alone.

With his grades, he might as well get
used to pushing shopping carts around.

My son is gonna
end up working in a supermarket?

No, I'm saying he's probably
gonna end up homeless.



Well, as I live and breathe,
Charlie Harper.

Oh, great. Archie.

So how's the best jingle writer
in the business?

Looks like he's put on a few pounds.

This is my brother Alan.

Alan, Archie Baldwin,
the king of the jingle writers.

Well, I don't know about that.

More like the ayatollah
of the jingle writers.

The grand Pooh-Bah, if you will.

Really?
What's that make you, Charlie?

To be honest, a little nauseous.

We should get together sometime.
Maybe collaborate.

- I'd like that.
- Well, sure, there's no downside for you.

What the hell, remind me about it
at the awards dinner.



Oh, I'm not going to that.

Why not? You're nominated.

Wait, what are you nominated for?

It's a silly advertising award.
Doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, he's right. It's not about
the trophies, it's about the work.

PS, my work has won seven trophies.

Hey, one more, I'll have a menorah.

Well, good luck, Archie.
But I think I'll pass.

Oh, well, good for you.
Stay home and sulk.

Nice meeting you.

Okay, where do they keep
the extra-large condoms?

Boy, he's a piece of work.

He's a piece of something.

How come you never
mentioned that whole award thing?

I've been nominated plenty of times.

- How many times have you won?
- What difference does it make?

So never.

Yes, Alan, never.

But that guy Archie
has won like seven times.

Yes, he has.

That's gotta sting.

Hey, Alan, you ever been beaten
to death with a can of corn?

Toe-Zene shouldn't be used
by pregnant women...

...people with heart conditions
or taking SSI inhibitors.

I don't know. This could be my year.

- I really think it's your best work.
- Thanks.

I know I said the same thing
about Mr. Herpes Lip Balm.

Yeah.

Just Like a Woman Natural Douche.

And that hemorrhoid cream.
What was it called?

Fire in the Hole.

Yeah, that was good.

But Toe-Zene is the one
that's finally gonna bring home the gold.

- Thanks for your support, Rose.
- You're welcome.

Now, can you do something for me?

No.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

I want you to talk to my boyfriend.

Why would I wanna talk
to your boyfriend?

Because he's smothering me.

And not in the good "can you move
your thigh off my face" kind of way.

I need my space, Charlie.

I wake up in the morning
and there he is staring at me.

I have a bowl of soup
and there he is blowing on it for me.

Even when we have sex...

...I can feel his eyes
burning a hole in the back of my head.

Oh, that's gonna keep me up at night.

You need to explain to him that if you
love someone, you have to let them go.

If they come back, they're yours.

If they don't, then you stalk them.

I really don't wanna get involved
in your love life.

Well, if someone doesn't talk to him,
we're gonna have to break up.

Do what you have to do.

Oh, I get it.

You want me to be single again.

Get him over here.

Thank you.

Was that so hard?

I had no idea these awards
were so prestigious.

They're meaningless crap.

Come on. Look at this list
of past winners for best jingle.

Barry Manilow, Randy Newman,
Kenny Loggins...

...Archie Baldwin, Archie Baldwin
Archie Baldwin, Archie...

What's your point?

My point is
it's an honor just to be nominated.

No, no, it's an honor to win.

Being nominated
is just a soul-sucking waste of time.

Why are you so sure
you're gonna lose?

It doesn't matter
who wrote the best jingle...

...it's about
who has the sexiest product.

That's why the awards
always go to car and beer ads.

Over-the-counter medications
just aren't hip enough.

- That hardly seems fair.
- Tell me about it.

Encourage people to get drunk
and drive fast, great, here's an award.

Relieve the heartbreak
of vaginal itching?

They don't even wanna
shake your hand.

Well, win or lose,
you should still go to the ceremony.

No, no, no. No. An awards
ceremony is like a Thai massage.

If you don't know that there's gonna be
a happy ending, no point in lying down.

You have a family who's proud
of your accomplishments...

...and might like the chance
to share them.

What family is that?

Your family: Me, Jake, Mom.

Whoa, do not tell Mom
about this nomination.

- It's a good thing.
- Lt doesn't matter.

If it's a good thing
she'll find a way to make it bad.

- Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.
- Oh, really?

Let's try a little experiment.

I'll pretend I'm Mom,
you tell me something good.

All right.

Hey, Mom,
I have discovered a cure for cancer.

Very nice.

Shame you couldn't do it in time
to save Uncle Walter's left testicle.

Come on, give me another one.

- No, I get the idea.
- No, no. No. Hit me.

Okay.

Gee, Mom,
it really is a beautiful day, huh?

Try telling that
to Uncle Walter's one good nut.

Okay.

I adore my son.

Somebody has to.

- How about friendship?
- How about Judas?

- Family.
- Manson.

- Puppies.
- Rabies.

- Love.
- Communicable disease.

- You win.
- Quitter.

- Leave me alone.
- You're already alone.

Your wife threw you out, remember?

Damn it, Gordon, get up there
and talk to Charlie.

But I don't wanna talk to Charlie.

Do you like having sex with me,
Gordon?

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Gordon.

- What's going on?
- Oh, not much.

I was just passing by,
thought I'd see how you were doing.

I'm doing fine.

Good.

Good.

Nice shirt.

Right back at you.

So...

...Rose says I have to talk to you
or I can't have sex with her anymore.

I see. You sure you're making
the right choice?

Call me crazy.

Well, crazy's the price of admission
for that ride.

Okay, come here, sit down.

- You want a beer?
- Oh, no, thank you.

I'm a really mean drunk.

I sensed that.

Anyway, the thing you need
to understand about Rose...

...about any woman really, is
that they want what they can't have.

But Rose can have me.

Trust me on this, Gordon.

You play it cool, keep your distance,
be aloof...

...you'll have to call the cops
to get rid of her.

- You really think so?
- No, I know so.

But they won't come right away.

She'll still have time to hot-glue
her high school graduation picture...

...to your freshly shaved ass.

Hey, Mom, here's some good news.

It seems with medical breakthroughs...

...the average life span
will soon be 100 years.

Wonderful. More time to be ignored
by your children.

Amazing.

Morning, Mom.
You're looking very pretty today.

That's nice, because inside I'm dead.

When you're right, you're right.

Charlie, I need a favor.

Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver,
and there's a long waiting list for both.

I've got a client coming into town
next Saturday.

- And he's bringing his lovely daughter.
- And by lovely she means dog-like.

All right, she may not be a beauty queen,
but she does have a terrific figure.

I'm guessing six nipples.

Anyhow, I was hoping you could show
her a good time. No big deal.

You don't have to take her to dinner.

Go to the beach and throw a stick
till she gets tired.

Gee, Mom, as much as I'd love to
service the unfortunate little Schnauser...

- ...I'm busy next Saturday.
- What are you doing?

I... I've... I've got a... I've got a thing.

Don't lie. You've got nothing,
you just don't want to help me.

No, no, no. No, I swear, I have plans.

I'm going to this awards ceremony.

You never go to these things.

Yeah, well, this year's different.

Your client's daughter will just have
to hump somebody else's leg.

I told you I could get him to go.

This is really boring.

Just keep it to yourself, Jake.

I just don't understand
why I had to come.

You're here to support
your Uncle Charlie.

The same way he supported you
at your Christmas pageant.

The one where you stood
in back picking lint off your antlers...

...while the rest of the class recited
"The Night Before Kwanzaa."

Oh, yeah.

- Uncle Charlie?
- What?

Now you have to come
to my Easter pageant.

- This event isn't televised, is it?
- No.

Well, I guess they only show
the important awards.

Congratulations, you've just been elected
tonight's designated driver.

Come on, just ignore her.

Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore
blood in my urine.

Well, well, well,
look who decided to be a good sport.

Speaking of blood in my urine.

Hey, Archie.

Hey, I wanna tell you people...

...this man has been a real inspiration
to me.

- Oh, come on.
- No, no, I mean it.

When I'm struggling to write a jingle
and I feel like I'm not measuring up...

...I ask myself,
"How would Charlie Harper write this?"

And the answer always makes me feel
better about my own work.

Charlie, aren't you going
to introduce me?

Mom, Archie. Archie, Mom.

You're Charlie's mother?

Oh, a teenage pregnancy, no doubt.

How brave of you to keep him.

Well, aren't you adorable.

Mom. Archie is nominated
in the same category as Charlie.

Oh, well, I'll be rooting for you,
Archie.

- Okay, then, thanks for stopping by.
- Good luck.

- You deserve it this year.
- Thanks.

I mean, how many times
can they snub you?

- I don't really keep track.
- Seven.

Seven years in a row.

If you say so.

Hey, stick around after the ceremony.

If I win, I'll let you hold my trophy.

Not to mention the little statue
they give me.

Isn't the little statue the trophy?

Just eat your chicken.

Before we present
the Jingle of the Year Award...

...we have a special treat.

Please tell me
they're gonna pass out guns.

Our very own seven-time
award winner...

...here to perform
his own nominated tune...

...composed especially for the United
Nations Save-an-Orphan program...

Oh, God, not orphans.

Archie Baldwin.

Oh, goodie.

This is for all the orphans out there.

There's no tree at Christmastime

No pumpkin Hallow's Eve

No candles on the birthday cake

No reason to believe

He works all day in a cold, dark mine

His little lungs filled with soot

Her mommy's Kim Jong's concubine

Her dad was killed
By the Tonton Macoutes

Save the orphans

Save the orphans

Don't do it for me

Don't do it for you

Do it for little Kim Sung

And Abu

Yeah, save the orphans

Come on, everybody.

Save the orphans

They' re tax-deductible.

Save the orphans

Get them while they' re still cute.

Save the orphans

Get them young,
teach them your tongue.

Save the orphans

Woody Allen can't marry them all.

Save the orphans

Some of them
don't even have parents.

Save the orphans

Get two, get one free.

Save the orphans

Use them as bait for scholarships.

Save the orphans

Save the orphans

Save the orphans

Enough.

Come on. It's catchy.

So is diphtheria.

How come you don't get
a runner-up trophy?

Because I don't.

At school everybody gets a trophy
just for participating.

Well, Jake, that's the difference
between school and life.

In life all you get for participating is pain,
loneliness and death.

Better luck next year, Charlie.

Good night, boys.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

There's also crushing humiliation.

Well, in sixth grade, you get a trophy.

Hey, can I get you anything?

A length of rope and a rickety stool?

Charlie, it's understandable that you
might be a little blue right now...

...but that will pass.

Get out of here, Alan.

You know, I often find that
when things look darkest...

...it really helps to share your...

I swear, I will drop-kick you
over that railing.

Alrighty.

Pleasant dreams.

You don't dream in a blackout,
you moron.

- Hey, Charlie.
- Oh, God.

- How did it go tonight?
- Let me put it this way:

What the advertising community
did to me earlier this evening...

...Archie Baldwin is now doing
to my mother.

He's not acknowledging
her wonderful talent?

- Just leave it alone, Rose.
- Sorry.

Have you seen Gordon?

Not since I talked to him.

And by the way,
thanks for that opportunity.

I've always wanted to bond
with a pasty kid who dresses like me.

Well, I don't know what you said to him,
but he's been acting very strange lately.

Lately?

I keep calling,
but he doesn't pick up the phone.

And when I leave a message,
he doesn't call back.

I thought you wanted him to stop
being so clingy.

I thought I did too.

Now I miss his cute little face
peeking at me...

...while I'm washing my hair, shaving my
legs, soaping up my breasts...

...which you no doubt remember
are extremely firm and perky.

So he spies on you in the shower?

No, that would be weird.

Why is love so complicated?

I don't know, Rose.

Stuff happens.

Oh, Charlie, you always know
the right thing to say.

This is a fine kettle of fish.

Oh, why can't I just black out
in peace?

"Be aloof," you said,
"play hard to get."

You just wanted me out of your way
so you could make your move.

You caught me, Gordon.

Now, do the right thing and kill me.

Oh, Charlie, is this true?

Is this part of some devious plan
to win me back?

You heard her, Gordon. Kill me.

Rose, you wanted him out of your hair.
I got him out of your hair.

- You wanted to get rid of me?
- No, I just need some space.

You want space?
I'll give you all the space you want.

- Fine.
- Ln fact, I'll leave right now.

Well, great.
I'll just stay here with Charlie.

Nobody leaves.

Nobody stays.

Rose, get off me.

Okay, now, everybody
listen carefully...

...because I'm pretty sure
I'm only gonna be able to say this once.

Rose, think about it.

Where are you gonna find a guy
who loves you as much as Gordon?

And, Gordon, where are you gonna find
a girl, period.

The man makes sense, Rose.

You're damn right I make sense.

If you kids don't patch things up,
you know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna wind up old,
miserable and alone.

He's right, Gordon.

Look what happened to him.

I love you, Rose.

I love you too.

Oh, good, a happy ending.

Now, get the hell off my deck.

- Come on, Lambchop, let's go home.
- Hold on.

Climbing over the rail
is ridiculous and juvenile.

From now on, I wanna take the stairs.

Do you like having sex with me,
Gordon?

Call me crazy.

And the real winner tonight...

...is Charlie Harper.

A man with a heart so big...

...that he'd step outside of his own
misery to help two people in need.

Alan, I'm warning you.

I know you don't wanna hear this.
Let me tell you.

The Archie Baldwins of this world
are soon forgotten.

It's people like you, people
who are selfless and generous...

...who will live on forever.

Last chance.

Oh, please, that grumpy-Gus routine
does not... Good night.

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