Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 19 - Golly Moses, She's a Muffin - full transcript

Charlie learns that Kandi has been living with them for three weeks. It turns out he hasn't even noticed some furniture changes. Alan wants to try her as secretary, but Charlie doesn't think she's smart enough for that.

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Two and a Half Men S03E19 - Golly Moses, She's A Muffin - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

You're up early.

Well, it's a beautiful day,
shame to waste it sleeping.

- Must've got to bed early then.
- I guess.

Well, you know what they say.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man
healthy, wealthy and can't get laid, huh?

Maybe I'm not trying.

Yeah. And look for me next month
on the cover of Maxim.

I'll have nothing on but the vacuum.

- Hey, you're up early.
- Yes, Alan, I'm up early.

I went to bed early and I slept alone.
Anything else you wanna know?

Was I this cranky
when I wasn't having sex?

you were more of a sullen whiner.

- Okay, Huggy Bear, I gotta go.
- Oh, all right, Kandi, have a good day.

Yo, Daisy Mae.

Just out of curiosity, when you
leave here, where is it you go?

To the gym. I have to take care
of my body because it's my instrument.

Mine too.

Three beers and a bratwurst
and my ass turns into a French horn.

Really? Whenever I have beer
and bratwurst I just fart a lot.

Okay. Okay, Kandi, well,
I'll see you tonight.

Bye, everybody.

Congratulations, Alan.

It looks like you've officially
boinked her brains out.

Okay, so she's not
overly sophisticated.

Sophisticated? She's two marbles
rolling around in a tin can.

Hey, hey, she's got a great heart,
she's warm and loving.

- And she genuinely cares for me.
- I stand corrected.

One marble.

Look, buddy, I'm happy
you finally found an instrument to play...

...that isn't in your own pants.

But she's been spending
a lot of time here.

If you're not careful,
she's gonna wanna move in.

Would that be so bad?

Hey, I don't have a lot of rules
around here...

...but nine of the top ten
are just different ways of saying:

"Women are not allowed
to live here."

They come and they go.

Often they do one of those multiple
times, but in the end they always go.

But why is that so important?

Alan, there's a natural balance
in this house, which must not be upset.

It's like the Amazon rain forest.

You bring in one too many
spider monkeys...'re up to your ass in tree frogs.

Oh tree frogs.
That clears up everything.

Don't patronize me,
you hump-happy simpleton.

- You know what I'm saying.
- I do.

If Kandi were to move in here,
it would be an environmental disaster...

- ...of epic proportions.
- Exactly.

She's been living here
the past three weeks.

- What?
- Who's the simpleton now?

Kandi got evicted from her apartment
three weeks ago and she moved in here.

Oh, please, if a woman was living
in my own house for that long...

...I think I'd notice.

Oh, really? Really?
Well, let's try a little experiment.

What color is the couch
in the living room?

- The couch?
- No peeking. What color is it?

Well, it's kind of a...



- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

- Go look.
- Fine.

What the hell is that?

Your couch.

Jake spilled grape juice on it
last summer.

I had it reupholstered.

- Last summer?
- Yeah, it was gone almost a month.

Berta and I bet
on how long it would take you to notice.

I had 50 bucks on never.

All right, all right this is unacceptable.

This is my house and if furniture's
gonna get reupholstered or moved...

...or changed in any way whatsoever,
I demand to be consulted.

- Okay, from now on. I promise.
- Thank you.

I bought the damn thing.

Think I'd have a vote,
maybe show me a swatch.

Hey, wait a minute,
did somebody say Kandi's living here?

Boy, am I thirsty.

That's because you sweat so much
during sex.

I may not have the biggest boat
in the marina.

But nobody rows harder than me.

You have a boat?

- No, sweetie, what I meant was...
- Hey, hey, hey.

Some of us don't wanna hear
about your little dinghy.

- Oh, hi, Charlie.
- What're you doing here?

I was asking myself the same thing... I did a little research
and it turns out it's my house.

Yeah, but I thought
you were going out.

- I did go out. And then I came back.
- Alone?

No, Alan, I brought home
an invisible cocktail waitress.

She's doing me even as we speak.

You're right. There's no way
you could've been that cranky.

You want some company, Charlie?

Alan can't have sex again
for at least 30 minutes.

That's a rough estimate.

Thanks, but I'd really rather be alone.

Okey-doke. Come on,
I think he wants to masturbate.

Not for at least 30 minutes.

Okay, I haven't sampled anything
from the other side of the buffet...

...since I traveled
with the Grateful Dead.

But golly Moses, she's a muffin.

Interesting turn of events, huh?

Your brother hitting
one of your hand-me-downs.

And you couldn't get laid if you
painted your penis to look like money.

Don't think I haven't tried.

I'm reminded of the tale
of the tortoise and the hare.

Isn't there something
you could be doing?

Well, I could go rub some oil on her,
but I don't trust myself.

Berta, please don't take this
the wrong way...

...but it's been a long time for me
and you're starting to turn me on.

I'm out of here.

- Hi, Berta.
- Hey, baby.

- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi.

- Boy, this is weird, huh?
- Ln so many ways.

But which one caught your attention?

Well, I've never slept
with brothers before.

I mean at different times.

And one can't help
but make comparisons.

No kidding.

So how big a difference
are we talking about?

It's huge.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

With you, sex is kind of
like going on Space Mountain.

It's a good ride,
but there's never any real danger.

With Alan, it's like being
in the back seat of a car...

...driven by a really smart kangaroo.

He may go up on the curb
a couple times, but he'll get you there.


Thanks for clearing that up.

I'll get it.

There's a two hour wait
for Space Mountain.

- Hi, Mrs. Harper.
- Oh, dear lord.

Hey, Kandi,
I got Evil Dead 3 for Xbox.


Kandi, maybe you'd like to go
put some clothes on.

- Why?
- Yeah, she ain't hurting anybody.

I just don't think that outfit
is appropriate for Jake.

Oh, I agree.
He would look ridiculous in this.

Can you get Alan for me?

- He's not back from work yet.
- He's not?

- Then what are you doing here?
- I live here now. Didn't Alan tell you?

No, he did not.

- Charlie, I wanna talk to you.
- Good to know.

Charlie, get over here.

It was nice seeing you, Mrs. Harper.

What in God's name
does she see in him?

Well, I don't have all the details,
Mrs. Harper.

But apparently
when he's not being emasculated...

...and demoralized on a daily basis,
he's quite the lover.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You know what they say.

Your average man's
like a good field mule.

If you don't beat him,
he'll keep plowing all day long.

- Nobody says that.
- You're hard to fool.

Look, I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm tired of talking to you.

Had an interesting chat
with your ex-wife.

Oh, can't we just have a nice dinner?

- I like her.
- Why?


Well, unlike most ex-wives
I've known...

...she's never tried to run me over
with her car.

Okay, new dinner conversation.

Jake, how was school?

I don't think this conversation'll
make you any happier, Dad.

- What now?
- We had a surprise test today.

- And?
- I was really surprised.

So, in other words,
you weren't prepared.

You can't prepare for a surprise, Dad.

New conversation?

Jake, what are we gonna do?
You've really fallen behind this year.

I know. I think it's a delayed reaction
to your divorce.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

It took a while, but my teachers have
finally stopped feeling sorry for me.

You know, I'm a child of divorce too,

Really? How old were you
when your parents split up?

- Twenty-two.
- But you're 22 now.

Twenty-two and a half.

Boy, what I'd give to be 22 again.

New subject?

No, no, no more conversation. Jake,
if you're finished, go do your homework.

I'm gonna need help.

- You don't need help, you need to focus.
- I'll help you.

Do you know anything
about geometry?

Well, I know it's what you say
when you turn into a tree.

Get it? Gee, I'm a tree.

Good one.


Boy, I hope when they get to Oz
the wizard has two brains to give out.

And speaking of out,
when's Kandi leaving?

- You don't have to worry.
- Because?

I have a plan.

Alan, if history has taught
us anything...'s that both those statements
cannot be true.

It's very simple.
You give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

You teach him to fish,
he eats forever.

Okay, okay, in that example
is Kandi the man or the fish?

I found her a job.

She'll be able to afford her own place
and she won't depend on me anymore.

Where is she working?

- She's gonna be my receptionist.
- That's your plan?

Why it's brilliant.

What, what?
She's attractive, she's friendly...

...and she's more than capable
of answering the phones.

You hear the expression
"don't crap where you eat"?

Well, you, my friend, are dropping
plunkies all over the dessert cart.

- Okay, you have a better solution?
- No, no, no.

No, it's your girlfriend,
your office, your life.

Screw it up however you think best.

I'll get it. I'm expecting a call.


Kandi, that's the TV remote.



Have you thought of teaching
a fish to answer your phones?


- Staying in tonight?
- Yep.

- Giving up on the ladies, huh?
- Yep.

- Not even gonna try?
- Nope.

You know, I got a niece in the joint.

She doesn't look like much,
but she does get conjugal visits.

I don't think so.

Hold on, I might have a copy
of her mug shot. Here.

She looks a little wall-eyed...

...but that's because they had to
use a Taser to get her out of the shed.

- The shed?
- She was running a meth lab.

But you gotta admit,
she is nice and slender.

- Thanks, but pass.
- Think about it.

Visiting days
are Wednesdays and Fridays.

But if you decide to go,
be a sport, take her a pie.

- Right.
- Make it something chewy.

The prison dentist set her up
with some real nice teeth.


Now this isn't my lamp.

What happened to my lamp?

Unless this is my lamp.

Yeah, this is my lamp.

I bought this lamp to go
with my couch.

My tan couch.

Worst day of my life.

Yeah, well, it was no picnic
for me either.

- I don't know who you are anymore.
- You wanna know who I am?

I'm the idiot paying you $10 an hour to
miss phone calls. Nap in the bathroom.

Use my x-ray machine
on Mexican food.

Well, I wanted to know
what's inside a Chimichanga.

If you didn't know,
why'd you order it?

Because it's fun to say Chimichanga.

Chimichanga. See?

So, how was work?

All he did was boss me around:

"Do this, do that, wake up."

Maybe that's because I'm your boss.

A stupid, stinky boss.

Anybody wanna know
about my problems?

It was supposed
to be Sloppy Joes for lunch.

But instead they had fish sticks.

Well, it ruined my day.

No, no, no, I'll get it.
That's what I do.

That's all I'm good for.

Hello? Oh, fudge.

Picture an entire day of this.

With six lines.


Oh, hi, Mrs. Harper.

Oh, great. Kandi, Kandi,
give me the phone, give me...

Back off buck-o.

Was your ex-husband
always such a control freak?

She says you were.

You know what he did today?

Kandi, you don't have
to get into that with her.

She says she wants to know.

Well, first of all at the office he tried
to make me call him Dr. Harper all day.

And when I forgot he yelled at me.


Chiropractors aren't really doctors.

You liar.

I so get why you dumped him.

- Hey, Alan?
- What?

Is this a new lamp?

I would like that so much,
Mrs. Harper.

Okay, I will call you Judith.
Great, I'll see you there.

See her where?

We're going out for a drink
and a little girl talk.

Girl talk with my ex-wife?

Her name is Judith,
Mr. "I'm not a doctor" Harper.

Don't wait up.

You just crapped
where you used to eat.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What are you doing up so late?
- What time is it?

It's 3 a.m.

Oh, well then, I got my eight hours.

What are you doing,
waiting up for Kandi?

Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't sleep.

So I thought I'd read a little.

A furniture catalog?

I like furniture.

- Just looking at the pictures, huh?
- What are you getting at, Charlie?

I think you buy things.

I think you bought this lamp.

- That lamp was here when I moved in.
- Oh, really?

Charlie, I'm afraid that this dry streak
is starting to affect your mind.

Maybe you're right.

Sure, this is my lamp.
I've had it for years.

- The table it's on is new.
- I knew it.

We don't wanna wake up
Mr. Alan Hitler.

No, no, Osama bin Alan.

- Busted.
- What the hell is going on here?

The hell what is going on here... that I need an advance
on my "amilony."

- Why?
- To pay Estefan, our limo driver.

You took a limo?

We couldn't find our cars...

...and we spent all our money
on JELL-O shots, and chimichangas.

All right, all right.

Kandi, you need to go to bed.
We have to get up early for work.

No, we don't. Because I quit.

Why don't we talk
about this in the morning?

All right, Judith,
here is you're "amilony".

- Thank you.
- Go home.

And Kandi, go to bed.

I do not wish to live with you
any furthermore.

- What?
- I have been invited... stay with my good friend Judith.

Come on, I'll help you
pack your things.

Did you ever notice how much
he sweats during sex?

Well, good for you.

Good for me?
How is this good for me?

- You got Kandi out of the house.
- I didn't want Kandi out.

And I didn't want her
moving in with my ex-wife.

Oh, right.

Okay then, good for me.

- Harper?
- Here.

I'm gonna have to check your pie.


Oh, my girls like rhubarb.

Okay, inmate 37059.
Down the hall, third door on the left.

There's a button by the bed.
Push it if she gets violent.

Thank you.

- It won't open.
- Try it again.

Boy, you really are
having a dry streak, aren't you?

Oh, God.

I can't even get laid
in a women's prison.

- Hi, are you Alan?
- No, I'm his brother, Charlie.

Oh, well, I'm looking for Kandi.

She told me she was living here.

Actually, she moved.
It's a very funny story.

- Are you a friend?
- I'm her mother.

Come on in and I'll see if I can find
a forwarding address.

Thank you.


- Beautiful place.
- Thank you.

I see where Kandi
gets her good looks.

Thanks, unfortunately she gets
her brains from her moron father.

Oh, right, you're recently divorced.
Would you like a drink?

I would love one.

Great. Why don't you step out
on to the deck, and I'll be right there.

Good news,
it's raining out on my deck.

Say what?

The dry streak is over.

So, what am I supposed to do
with this pie?

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