Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 16 - Ergo, the Booty Call - full transcript

Jake's twelfth birthday approaches. Alan is busy with young, hot Kandi.

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men S03E16 - Ergo, The Booty Call - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

- Morning.
- Morning.

- What are you making?
- Breakfast.

Have you considered orange juice
and a piece of toast?

It's in there.

We got any marshmallows?

And he wonders why he gets diarrhea.

Oh, man.

Did you forget to put the lid on again?


- Well, clean it up.
- Okay.

- Is Jake up yet?
- He's in the kitchen.

- Has he been looking for me?
- Are you a marshmallow?

- What?
- He hasn't been looking for you.

Oh, good.

Sorry I'm late,
but Kandi and I had morning sex.

- Good for you.
- Twice.


She didn't even wake me up
for the first one.

I almost missed it.

Well, I've always said a 22-year-old girl
is like a good carpenter.

No wood gets wasted.

Well, I wouldn't put it so crudely,
but yeah.

- Morning, buddy.
- Morning.

Why do you let him use the blender?

I'm hoping
he'll eventually stumble into a margarita.

Hey, here's a fun fact.

You're sleeping with a girl who was born
when you were in junior high.

And yet there's a good chance
she lost her virginity before you did.

And here's another fun fact.

I'll bet she's had sex
with more girls than you too.

That is a fun fact.

And you know what else?
Her youth is like an aphrodisiac.

I feel younger, I feel more...
Oh, I don't know how to describe it.


I know what you mean.

I'm performing
at what can only be described... a very enhanced level.

- Right.
- You know, between-the-sheets-wise.

- You don't have to tell me.
- Yes, I do.

I have to tell everybody.

I'm just impressed
you can keep up with her.

I thought she'd have worn you down
to a few vertebrae... a pool of spinal fluid.

Well, you know, I exercise, I eat right...

And of course, I've always had a vast,
untapped reservoir of sexual energy...

...bubbling under the surface.

Truth be told, you could drill anywhere
and hit a gusher.

Morning, brother.

We're here to tell you
about The Good News.

Okay, but my news first.

See, I am dating
this 22-year-old woman.


- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Rose, what's up?

I was taking a walk on the beach
with my boyfriend...

...and we thought we'd stop by.

Come on up, lamb chop.

This is ridiculous.

I still don't understand
why we can't use the stairs over there.

- Don't try to change me, Gordon.
- I'm sorry.

So how's it going with you two?

It's just great. Gordon's my soul mate.

- He completes me. We're inseparable.
- Yeah.

Wait here.
I wanna talk to Charlie alone.

- Charlie.
- Coming.

- Lamb chop?
- I'm hot and juicy.

- What's up?
- Don't play innocent with me.

- I can see the hurt in your eyes.
- What?

- You have to let me go, Charlie.
- Okay.

- I'm with Gordon now. I've moved on.
- Good.

And I know it may be hard for you
to hear this...

...but he satisfies all my needs.

Well, he is hot and juicy.

Oh, Charlie.
I can't bear to see you like this.

Like what?

I know I shouldn't...

...but I'm gonna give you
one last chance.

One last chance for what?

You're gonna make me say it,
aren't you?

Say what?

Listen closely. Once I go, I'm gone.

I've never seen that side of you.

I've never had a man like Gordon.

I believe you.

- So?
- "So," what?

- Who's that?
- Oh, that's Gordon, my boyfriend.

How come he's not allowed in?

I'm trying
to avoid an awkward situation.

- Too late.
- You bringing him to my birthday party?

What do you think, Charlie?
Is the wound too fresh?

I think I can handle it.


- Okay. I'm gonna go now.
- All right.

But before I do...

...I think we need to decide
just where we stand.

- You're kidding. Rose has a boyfriend?
- Yep.

A real one,
or, like, Toby the astronaut?

No, this one's real.

- What's he like?
- Nice guy.

He has no idea how close he is
to the Woodchipper.

- Hello? Alan, you home?
- Kandi?

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd surprise you
with a booty call.

- Lower your voice.
- Booty call.

What's a booty call?

Well, it's...

You know, this is more the kind of thing
a son should learn from his father.

Oh, okay.

Maybe you should ask him now.

All right.

I'm going to hell.

Look, it's a really sweet gesture,
but this is not a great time.

Hey, Dad, what's a booty call?

Oh, hey. Hey, Jake.
You... You remember Kandi.

- Sure. Hi, Kandi.
- Hi.

So, what's a booty call?

I figured you didn't want me telling him.
Was I wrong?

Well, Jake, it means...

...that Kandi came by
to do her laundry.

I don't see any laundry.

Good point, Charlie.

Always the eye for detail.

Well, you see, Jake... the Old West...

...cowboys could be out
on the dusty range...

...for months at a time.

And they'd get mighty dirty.

So they'd... They'd mosey into town...

...with nothing
but the clothes on their backs.

And they'd need to wash them.

So, what they'd do is...

...they would go down to the creek...

...and strip down until they were
wearing nothing but their boots.

Why'd they keep their boots on?


Anyway, in order to warn people
who were swimming...

...that, you know,
the naked cowboy was on his way...

...he would yell, or, if you will, call:



Ergo, the booty call.

Alan, you really make history fun.

Well, thank you.

So when did it start meaning
"casual sex"?

Why don't you go play a video game
or something?

- Okay.
- Great.

Hey, Kandi, you wanna come
to my birthday party tomorrow?

- Sure. How old are you gonna be?
- Twelve.

Happy bar Mitzvah.

Well, this works out well.

When you're not boinking her,
she's got someone to play with.

Weren't you listening?

Jake just invited Kandi
to his birthday party.

Oh, don't worry.
You've still got the inside track.


- I can't let her come to the party.
- Why not?

Why not?
My ex-wife is gonna be there.

All her miserable, middle-aged
soccer-mom friends are gonna be there.

They're gonna take one look
at Kandi's tight, young little body...

...and they are gonna hate me,
hate me with a white-hot hatred...

...of burning...


Yeah, sure,
it'll be a little tense at first...

...but you can lighten the mood
with your booty story.

That's powerful funny, partner.

Shut up.

Alan, there comes a time
in every man's life...

...when he has to make a choice.

Does he wanna be loved
or does he wanna get laid?

Fourteen years ago
you made the wrong choice.

You got married.
And you wound up with neither.

But now, now fate has given you
another chance.

Welcome it. Embrace it.

Grab its pert little ass.

What am I supposed to do,
walk into my son's birthday and say:

"Hey, look at this gorgeous 22-year-old
woman I'm having sex with"?

Oh, don't be silly.
You don't wanna rub their faces in it.

You just want them to know
where yours has been.

- Oh, yeah, one more thing.
- Yeah?

Booty. Booty.

Uncle Charlie?

Uncle Charlie, are you awake?

Go away.

Don't you wanna be the first one
to wish me a happy birthday?

- Jake, I swear to God...
- Wait, not yet.

Five, four, three, two, one.
Okay, now.

Get out.

You can give me your present now
if you want to.

If you leave immediately,
I'll give you the gift of life.

All right.

- Hey, how come Dad's not in his room?
- He's out with Kandi.

- When's he coming home?
- Not for a while.

Why doesn't he just
have sex with her here?

What makes you think
he's having sex with her?

I don't know, common sense?

All right. The thing is, he's embarrassed
about having that kind of relationship...

...with somebody
so much younger than him.


I don't know, maybe he thinks
he's setting a bad example for you.

What am I gonna do,
start dating a 6-year-old?

- Go back to sleep.
- I can't. I'm too excited.

Well, you mind if I go back to sleep?

- Okay. I'll find something to do.
- Great.

- Maybe I'll try to make a pizza.
- Good for you.

Oh, crap.


Have you seen Pierre?

- Is Pierre a cat?
- Yeah.

- Bathroom.
- Thanks. Excuse me.

- Hey.
- Hey. Oh, God.

Still worth it.

Hey, I'm watching that.

Yeah, right.
Happy birthday, you big dope.

- Why am I a big dope?
- When did you finally fall asleep?

How could I possibly know that?

Now you got a party in a couple hours
and you feel like hell, right?

- Yeah.
- Happy birthday, you big dope.

Hey, am I old enough
to have coffee now?

Do you still think
armpit farts are funny?

- Yeah.
- Then no.

Come on,
I could really use a pick-me-up.

- Okay, how do you want it?
- I don't know, in a cup?

Good choice.

- You feel better?
- Yeah, I think it's working.

You know, Kandi, you don't
have to feel obligated to go to this party.

It's just gonna be a lot of kids
playing silly games.

Are there gonna be balloon animals?
Because I love those.

No, Jake's a little old for that.

Balloon animals are
a very under-appreciated art form, Alan.

Just give me a minute to get ready.


You know, it's probably gonna be
a very, very dull party.

I wouldn't be going myself
if I weren't related to the kid.

And without balloon animals,
you gotta ask yourself:

"Is it really worth the trip?"

How do I look?

I'm... I'm sorry,
I think I swallowed my tongue.

Thank you.

It's amazing. My ex-wife
would take hours getting ready...

...and the end result
wouldn't be nearly so...


Maybe I can give her a few tips
at the party.

Oh, gee.

- She doesn't respond well to tips.
- Okay. Anything else?


...even before I say it,
I know it sounds insane...

...but do you think
you could put on a few more clothes?

- Don't I look okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, you look terrific.

It's just, I wouldn't want people
to get the wrong idea.

- About?
- About...

Maybe if you just put on a jacket
and a hat.

Do you have a poncho?

- Are you ashamed of me?
- No. No, I'm proud of you.

In fact, I'm so proud that yesterday...

...I almost signed up to be
a Christian missionary in the Sudan.

But you don't want
your family and friends to see me.

Good, you understand.

You know, Alan,
my friends are judgmental too.

- About what?
- About you.

None of them get why I'm with you.

Well... the risk of shining a light
on something better left unexamined...

...why are you with me?

Because you're cute and smart
and really, really grateful.

All true.

And if my friends can't understand that,
well, then tough tomatoes.

- Kandi, you're a remarkable girl.
- Thank you.

Unfortunately, so am l.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

You wanna have a quickie in the car?

Well, all right.
But this time let's pull over first.


So where's Alan? He's supposed to be
pitching in at this party.

I don't know, but I'm guessing
that wherever he is, he's pitching.

So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you.
I have a new man in my life.

Oh, good for you, dear.
Does the man know yet?

Hey, get your own, Red.

Nice outfit.

- Thanks. Rose picked it out for me.
- How about that?

You know,
sometimes when we're having sex...

...she calls out your name.

No kidding?
What about the other times?

She makes me call it out.

Boy, that really wasn't a quickie,
was it?

The first one was.

Anyway, so just to reiterate,
today is Jake's day.

- It's not about us.
- I know.

So you can just relax.

And don't feel obligated to, you know,
socialize or talk to anybody.

Don't worry, Alan.
I'm not gonna embarrass you.

Right, I know you won't.

So to summarize what I reiterated,
we're just gonna play it cool, low-key.

Nothing to be gained
by drawing attention to ourselves.

I got it.

Just don't ring the doorbell.

Sorry we're late...

...but I was having sex
with this gorgeous 22-year-old woman.

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay. Come in and say that again.

Jake? You in here?
It's time to do the birthday cake.

Go away.

- Did you find him?
- Yeah, he's in the bathroom.

- Is he okay?
- I don't know.

- Jake, are you okay?
- I'm fine. Go away.

He's probably humiliated because
his father is dating a Camp Fire Girl.

- Give it a rest, Judith.
- What's going on?

- Jake won't come out of the bathroom.
- Come on out, honey.

- I can't.
- Why not?

I just can't.

I was wondering
where everyone snuck off to.

Whatever you're saying about me,
you can say right to my face.

This isn't about you, Mom.

- Wish I could believe that.
- What's the holdup?

- He won't come out of the bathroom.
- He sick?

- Who won't come out?
- Your grandson.

Why? Is he mad at me?

- Jake, what have you had to eat today?
- Just a little coffee and some vitamins.

- Coffee? You let him have coffee?
- No. You let him have coffee?

- He had a sip.
- Well, wait a second.

- Why did you take vitamins?
- I was tired.

Okay, but where did you find vitamins
to take?

In your medicine cabinet.

I don't have any vitamins
in my medicine cabinet.

Yeah, you do.
The little blue ones with a V on them.

- What's going on? I don't understand.
- The kid's gonna need another party hat.

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