Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 3, Episode 15 - My Tongue Is Meat - full transcript

Forced to hide in his garage to enjoy a brace of beers and half a Cuban cigar, Charlie's attempts to keep his unhealthy lifestyle habits secret from Mia fall apart when she smells bacon on his breath, resulting in their first major argument since taking their relationship to a physical plane.

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men S03E15 - My Tongue is Meat - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

You know
what I've been thinking about?

- What?
- The death penalty.

Really? That's a...
That's a very complex issue.

So... So, what are your thoughts?

If you're going to the chair
they give you what you want...

...for your last meal.

I guess.

- I'm gonna order cereal.
- Why?

Because if you keep adding milk
you can make it last forever.

And they just gotta wait.

Okay, let's go back a bit.

Why would you be going to the chair
in the first place?

I don't know.
My DNA shows up at a murder scene...

...because it's planted by a crooked cop
or maybe one of my teachers.

- So you'd be wrongly accused?
- Story of my life, Dad.

Remember that water pistol incident
at school?

But that was your water pistol.

Yes, but it wasn't my pee.


Oh, hey, how was your run?

Great. We made it
all the way to the pier and back.

Didn't we, honey?


Pier. Back.

Hey, Jake,
you ever seen anybody cough up blood?

- Nope.
- Then pay attention.

- Ass.
- Ass?




I think I'll jump in the shower.
Wanna join me?




All right. Well,
you drink your health shake, all right?

- You'll feel better.
- Doubt it.

- What's in that?
- I don't know.

Vitamins, minerals, protein.

Whatever it is, it's flushing out stuff
I ate in high school.

Hey, do you think they let you
have a last poop after your last meal?


Because as long as you're sitting on
the can...

...technically you're still pooping.

And they gotta wait.

Go get dressed.

If they made you hold one in,
that'd be cruel and unusual punishment.

You know, I am impressed
with what you're doing here.

Exercising, eating right,
laying off the cigars and the booze.

I mean,
Mia has really done wonders with you.

- Yeah, she's an incredible woman.
- She is.

- And I'm a lucky guy.
- You are.

Why is there
this little voice in my head...

...that keeps whispering,
"Kill yourself. Do it now."

Don't worry about that. It's common.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Every man who gets into a long-term,
committed relationship hears that voice.

Mine sounded a little like Alec Baldwin.

I don't know why.

Maybe because I enjoyed him
in that submarine movie.

- What was that call...?
- Would you get to the point?

You have to remember that over time
that voice will fade...

...when you realize
what you're giving up... nothing compared
to what you're gaining.

What exactly am I gaining?

Are you kidding?
You're gaining a soul mate.

Someone to walk down life's path
with you.

Someone who'll always be there,
sharing your hopes...

...your joys and your sorrows.

You got nothing.

That's what the minister said
at my wedding.

Hunt for Red October.

Be back in a while, honey.
I'm going for a power walk.

- Pace yourself.
- Don't worry.

This is a good pace.


What you doing?

Nothing. Close the damn door.

You told Mia you weren't gonna smoke
or drink anymore.

You told your father you weren't gonna
watch dirty movies on cable anymore.

Don't change the subject.

Mia's gonna be really pissed at you.

Only if she finds out
and she doesn't have to find out.

Well, I guess that depends.

What, are you blackmailing me?

No. I'm just saying
if you don't give me 20 bucks...

...I'm gonna tell on you.

That's blackmail.

Well, then, yeah.

- Oh, hi, Mom, how are you?
- Deeply hurt.

Is this about me or Charlie?

- Charlie.
- Great. Come on in.

Can you explain to me how your brother
can be in a serious relationship...

...and not only
have I not met the woman...

...he hasn't even bothered
to tell me her name?

Do you really need an explanation
for that?

Do you want it to be about you?

- Her name's Mia. She's in the kitchen.
- Thank you.

Thank God I didn't know Anne Frank.



- I'm Evelyn, Charlie's mother.
- I'm Mia, Charlie's girlfriend.

- So we finally meet.
- So we do.

One question.

- I'm listening.
- Can you fix him?

I'm trying.

Fifteen, 16, 17, 18...


How about a hug
for your grandmommy?

No, thank you.

One, two...

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey. Keep it down.
Keep it down.

Mia thinks I'm taking a power walk.

This is a sad, sad day.

I always figured
you'd be the last guy in the world... end up whipped.

I am not whipped. I'm considerate.

- Considerate?
- Yeah.

See, I love Mia
and want her to be happy.

I happen to know she's not happy
when I smoke cigars...

...and drink and gamble
and stay out all night...

...and eat meat and sugar and grease
and fat and nap and swear...

...and wear shorts
and bowling shirts...

Charlie, you ain't just whipped,
you're roped, saddled and gelded.

They could use you
to give rides at kid's birthday parties.

- I am not whipped.
- Yeah.

Here, might as well take one
of these sacks since yours is empty.

Hang on a second.

- That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
- What?

You smell like a beer bottle
that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Oh, hang on,
let's see if I got anything in here...

...that might mask your stench.

Oven cleaner. No.

Ty-D-Bol. No.

How do you feel about taking a whore's
bath with a hunk of blue cheese?

I'm so proud of him. He hasn't had
a drop of alcohol in weeks.

Well, that's one way to go.

But I've found that men who drink
tend to talk less and sleep more.

Which, frankly,
becomes increasingly desirable... the years go by.

Oh, this can't be good.

Hello, darling. Wonderful to see you.

Hi, Mom.

Have you been dusting?

- No, why?
- You reek of Lemon Pledge.

You're welcome.

I'll be downstairs.

No snacking, Charlie.

We're going to
the best vegetarian restaurant in town.

Oh, boy.

Oh, thank God. Meat.

- I love you, Rose.
- I love you too, Charlie.

And may I say, I would never
try to change you the way she has.

- Her name's Mia.
- I know what her name is.

I also know where she lives,
her employment history...

...and if you want I can get you
photographs of a wet T-shirt contest...

...she entered during spring break 1995
at a college bar called Se?or Frogs.

I forgot who I'm dealing with.

I know you have to hide
to smoke a cigar...

...and slam back a warm beer.

What'd you do, bug my garage?

Don't be paranoid.

I have a long-standing arrangement
with Jake.

Charlie, I'm ready.

I'm out here.

Go, go, go.

Okay, I'll go,
but I want you to remember one thing.

- What?
- I'm not gonna wait for you forever.

How do I look?

How's your couscous?

Yum, yum.

I had an interesting chat
with your mom today.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I know she comes on a little strong
but her heart's in the right place.

If you mean in a cooler on its way to a
dying man in Tennessee, then we agree.

- You can't possibly mean that.
- I suppose not.

She's too selfish to donate an organ.

Even one she doesn't use.

That's so unfair, Charlie.
Your mother loves you.

Really? Did she or did she not say
I was a bitter disappointment?

- Well, she did, but...
- And did she...

...or did she not say that
I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer...

...who wasted 13 years of piano lessons
that she paid for... marrying a series of men
with large wallets and small penises?

Yes, that was mentioned.

It's natural for someone who loves you
to want to see you live to your potential.

Do you want to be known as the guy
who writes songs about adult diapers?

Hey, it's better than being known
as the guy who wears them.

Charlie, we both know
you can do so much more with your life.

But you gotta admire my restraint.

Oh, come on, look how much you've
accomplished since we've been together.

You're exercising regularly,
you cut way down on the drinking...

...and you're eating right.

Did you ever think you'd
change your life the way you have?


It just goes to show, you can do
anything you put your mind to.

I smell meat.

Excuse me?

Your breath. It stinks of meat.

Well, it could be my tongue.

My tongue is meat.

No, you've been eating meat.
I can smell it.

Maybe it's this breast of Tofurky
you smell.

- No, I smell beef.
- Where would I get beef?

You tell me.

Well, maybe it's secondhand beef.

- What?
- You know, like secondhand smoke.

Some thoughtless guy...

...who's sitting next to you
eating a steak can...

Oh, screw it.

I paid a slightly disturbed woman
to toss a bag of cheeseburgers...

...onto the deck
while you were getting dressed.

- Oh, Charlie.
- Don't "Oh, Charlie" me, I was starving.

And I'll tell you another thing,
my power walk...

...was two quick beers and half a Cuban
cigar while cowering in my own garage.

That's why you smelt like
Lemon Pledge.

Well, it certainly wasn't to bring out
the natural luster of my forehead.

So you've been lying to me?

If you mean telling you
I wasn't going to do a bunch of things...

...then doing them anyway and lying
about it, then I've been lying to you.

Well, I suppose I can forgive you.
If you promise it'll never happen again.

Oh, it'll never happen again.
You know why?

Because I am done
with this whole charade.

I'm tired of you trying
to make me over into something I'm not.

I'm a grown man,
not a work in progress.

- Charlie, people are staring.
- Let them stare.

You guys know what I mean.

Why can't women
look at a guy for who he is...

...instead of
who they can turn him into?

- Please, you're embarrassing me.
- Good.

Maybe now you know how I feel.

Sitting in a restaurant eating medallions
of bean curd with lawn mower sauce.

Am I right?

No man should have to eat anything
with the word "curd" in it.

You know,
you're turning into a real ass here.

then I'm finally living up to my potential.

I'm a big old bourbon-soaked,
cigar-huffing ass... God, in his infinite wisdom,
meant me to be.

As he meant all men to be.

You guys are disappointing God.

what if a cannibal was on death row?

I guess for being a cannibal.

And he orders Chinese for his last meal,
does he get to eat a Chinese guy?


What if they
just electrocuted a Chinese guy...

...and the cannibal was next?


- He'd already be cooked.
- Stop it.

- Hey.
- Hey, where have you been?

- I had a date with Mia.
- That was two nights ago.

Yeah, well,
I stopped off in Vegas on the way home.


Because that's where you go
after you destroy a relationship.

Oh, now I understand
why Mia's been calling.

- She sounded pretty upset.
- I didn't tell her anything.

But you'd tell Rose, wouldn't you?

Hey, you just paid me once.

Rose has me
on something called a "retainer."

- So, what happened with Mia?
- No big deal.

I just got tired
of trying to be something I'm not.

- A decent, healthy human being?
- Pretty much.

He's back.

You're damn right I'm back.
Mia and I are through.

You schmuck. She was the best thing
that ever happened to you.

But you said I was whipped.

I didn't mean dump her,
I meant grow a pair.

What is "whipped"?

When a man lets a woman take over
his life and tell him what to do.

Oh, so like you and Mom.


Oh, hi, Mother.

No, no, Mia's not here.
He broke up with her.

Yeah, schmuck seems to be
the general consensus.

- What's a "schmuck"?
- Any guy who's not whipped.

- She wants to talk to you.
- Well, I don't wanna talk to her.

Nice catch, schmuck.

Hi, Mom.

Why am I the bad guy here?

Well, did you ever stop to consider
that maybe this wasn't my fault?

I gotta go, Mom,
my meat connection's here.

It's just weird. I just think that if the guy's
got a front door, we should use it.

- This is fine.
- Okay.

- Hi, Charlie.
- Hello, Rose. What's going on?

Well, I just wanted to introduce you
to Gordon, my new boyfriend.

Oh, no kidding. Hi, Gordon.


Gordon and I
are in a committed relationship.

- Right, Gordon?
- Yeah, I guess.

Look, see,
there's stairs right over there. Just...


...I was thinking that you and Mia...

...would like to join us for dinner
one night. You know, double date.

Oh, well, that's nice, Rose,
but I broke up with Mia.

Oh, I see.

Well, then goodbye, Gordon.

I think I made a big mistake.

I know the feeling.

I once ate an egg salad sandwich
I left in my desk over the weekend.

Huge mistake.

My relationship with Mia...

...was the best thing that happened
to me and I threw it away.

That's what I should have done
with the sandwich.

I wonder if it's too late to fix things.

Call her and find out.

But if I do,
I'll be right back where I started...

...trying to be somebody I'm not.

Okay, then find another girlfriend.

I don't want another girlfriend.
I want Mia.

Then call her.

I can't.

I can't live with her,
I can't live without her.

If your plane crashed in the Andes
and she died, could you eat her?

Mia, it's Charlie.

Look, you win. I'll change.
No more meat, I promise.

Come on, Mia.
Come out and smell me.

Mia's not here.
Do I have to smell you?

- Who are you?
- Ginger.

So you're Charlie.

- Yeah, where's Mia?
- Hang on a minute.

She told me to give you this
if you stopped by.

She took a job in New York?
Why'd she do that?

Just read the note.

"I love you too much to try to make you
into something you're not...

...and I love me too much
to settle for who you are."

That's the part
that always makes me cry.

I can change her mind.
I'll fly to New York tonight.

- Do you have her address?
- Come on in.

- Can I get you something to drink?
- No, thanks.

Hi, American Airlines,
reservations please.

You sure? I got all my boys here.

Jack, Johnnie and Jose.

Maybe a poquito Jose.

Are these actual baby back ribs?

- Yeah, help yourself.
- Thanks.

I'd like to make a reservation
on the redeye to New York tonight.

Hey, do you mind if I turn on the TV?
I've got some money on the Lakers.

- You bet sports?
- I'll bet anything.

I had 200 bucks
on my sister's pregnancy test.

How exactly do you know Mia?

Oh, we used to do the ballet thing
together but I didn't have the discipline.

- No kidding.
- I still dance, but just for tips.

I'll call you back.

You know, I'm thinking
she probably needs her space.


- Mind if I hang out and watch the game?
- Be my guest.

If you got cash,
I could give you a lap dance at halftime.

That'd be swell.

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