Two and a Half Men (2003–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Back Off Mary Poppins - full transcript

The snap, the kick is up,
and it is good! It is good!

- Man.
- Okay, well, that's the game.

Dad, can I have my allowance?

Sure. Here.

Thanks. Here.

Pleasure doing business with you.

You're taking my son's allowance
on a football bet?

Hey, when he wins, I pay off.
You know, minus the vig.

Minus the vig. You're charging him for
the privilege of making a bet?

That's what the vig is, Dad.

Face it. He's not gonna learn
this stuff in school.



I don't care.
Give him his allowance back.

Fine.

You get no allowance.
That's your punishment for gambling.

- Told you he'd do that.
- Yeah, you did.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Hey, listen. After you drop him off at his
mom's house tonight, do me a favor?

- Just make yourself scarce, okay?
- What's her name?

Or is it too early to ask?

It's not a girl.
I'm just having friends over.

Oh, poker? Oh, can I play?

- I'm better than I used to be.
- It's not poker.

Wait. A flush beats a straight...

...and a full boat beats a flush, right?
- Right...

A full house and a full boat
are the same...



...so I won't say
"full houseboat" anymore.

- It's not poker, Alan.
- Then what's going on?

I'm just having some
friends over to smoke cigars...

...sample some fine single-malt Scotch
and, you know, talk.

I enjoy all those things.
Well, Scotch makes me a little gassy.

But I'll take a Beano
and I'm good to go.

That's nice, but I don't think
you'd be comfortable.

- Why not?
- Because we talk about personal things.

- You mean like a support group?
- No, no, no. It's not a support group.

It's just guys who get together
to talk about their lives.

- That's a support group.
- No, it's not.

Okay, it's not.

It's not.

Got it. So why can't I come?

Because these men are my friends.

There's a level of trust
and confidentiality.

- I'm your friend.
- No, you're my brother.

Wait a minute.
You don't consider me a friend?

It's not up to me.

A friend is someone you choose.
A brother is someone you get.

- Excuse me?
- There's no choice involved.

Your dad just wakes you up
in the night and says:

"Your mom wasn't really fat
and this isn't your room anymore."

So all these years,
I've just been an intruder to you?

An inconvenience? A burden?

Well, sure. You can spin it that way.

You know, I had no idea
you felt this way.

I am very, very hurt.

Okay.

But you'll still
make yourself scarce, right?

- Bye, Uncle Charlie.
- See you, buddy.

- Oh, he's your buddy?
- Alan, don't start.

How is he your buddy?
You didn't choose him.

- I chose to let him stay here.
- You chose to let me stay here too.

No. I chose him, I got you.

You know, there are times
I just loathe you.

And yet you're surprised
I don't consider you a friend.

Okay, have your real friends
to your little "support group."

- It is not...
- It is a support group!

It's a support group for weak,
rudderless men.

And I wouldn't be a part of it
if you begged me.

Okay, bye.

Dad, check this out.
You can pick your friends...

...you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friend's nose.

- You know who told me that?
- I can guess.

Uncle Charlie. And you know
why it's funny? Because it's true.

Yeah, yeah. Have a nice week, Jake.

Bye, Dad. Hi, Mom.
Can I have my allowance?

I missed you too, sweetie.

- Thanks for dropping him by.
- Judith, hold on.

Do you consider us friends?

I consider you my ex-husband.

I know. But putting aside
for the moment...

...our loveless marriage and
messy divorce...

...we always had a certain
camaraderie, am I right?

Can we talk some other time?
I'm having people over for dinner.

Oh, really? Anybody I know?

- Sandra and Howard.
- Oh, no kidding. Can I say hello?

- I'd rather you didn't.
- Why not?

Sandra and Howard are my friends too.
In fact, I introduced them to you.

Well, why don't you call them
and invite them to your house.

This is my house.
Those were my friends.

The fact is, you're having
my friends for dinner in my house.

Yes, Alan, that is exactly
what's happening.

Well, when I'm right, I'm right.

I've got something I wanna talk about,
but it's gotta stay in this room.

Everything stays in the room.

Yeah, sure, Judas.
Does that include veiled references...

...in one of your wise-ass songs?

- I said sorry about that.
- Too little, too late.

We have to go through this
every time we get together?

- It's water under the bridge.
- Thank you.

It wouldn't have killed you
to thank him in your Grammy speech.

That I would've done, but, you know,
Bacharach, he just went on so long.

Well, get on with it.

All right. How do I say this?

Do any of you get up in
the middle of the night to pee?

- Sure.
- Occasionally.

Sometimes, I don't even get up.

This is what I can't
write songs about?

Oh, drat.

All right, look.
It's not about peeing, per se.

It's about getting older.

I'm laying in bed with my wife.

She looks beautiful, sexy.

All I wanna do is finish
my Corn Pops and go to sleep.

What are you doing?

Shopping list. You know,
just a shopping list.

So you're saying
the old flag's at half-mast?

No, the old flag is fine.

And I'd rather not refer to it
as an old flag, if you don't mind.

No, my point is, it's about
shifting priorities or something.

Flag, drag, hag.

I will knock your glasses through
your eyeballs. I will do it.

Let me tell you something, fellas.

It doesn't matter what the calendar
says, you're as old as you feel.

Me, I feel...

...like...

...boiled crap.

- Hello.
- Oh, man.

I'm sorry, guys. It's my brother.

We agreed you weren't
gonna be here.

Don't worry,
I just need my phone book.

- Is that...?
- Yes.

- And that...?
- Yeah.

And that?

He used to be. Not anymore.

Him I don't recognize.

He's our bookie.

You can have
your bookie, but not me?

Bookies, like friends, are chosen.

Okay. Okay, fine.
I'm sorry to interrupt.

I need my address book
so I can call one of my friends.

They don't care.
Hurry up and get out.

Hurry up and get out.
Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.

I don't know if Charlie told you,
but I'm recently divorced...

...and it's been
kind of a rough road.

- Here's your phone book.
- Thank you.

Of course, I guess in hindsight,
I should have seen it coming, but...

- I'm gonna count to three.
- Bye.

Sorry about that. He's bent
out of shape because I told him...

...he couldn't be part of the group.
- Why not?

You just saw him, didn't you?
Trust me, he doesn't get any better.

I mean, he actually thinks
this is a support group.

This is a support group, Charlie.

You're the only one who's pretending
it's about Scotch and cigars.

Whatever kind of group it is,
we have rules about new guys joining.

Well, but he's your brother.

He's obviously
going through a rough time.

Seems like you should be
more supportive, pal.

Hey, I support him plenty.

I share my home with him.
I share my food with him.

I moved my foosball table
so he could park in my garage.

What more do you people
want from me?

Let me tell you something
about sharing, kid.

Sharing is a two-way street.

When you share with
another human being...

...you always get back
more than you gave.

Assuming that you're smart enough
to share with somebody...

...that's got more stuff
than you had in the beginning.

Hey, Dick, it's Alan.
How's it going, buddy?

Oh, good, good.

Listen. You maybe wanna
catch a movie tonight?

Oh, really? You and Roz are
at Judith's too. Interesting.

So in addition to my house,
half my money, and my self-esteem...

...Judith got custody of
all my friends.

No, no, no, I don't wanna
take it up with her. I...

Hi, Judith.

No, no. I'm not trying to
ruin your party.

In fact, I've got a little party
of my own.

Alan, come back to bed. I'm cold.

Be right there, baby.

I gotta go, Judith. Bye.

Well, that's a new personal low.

You know, as long as
we're talking about getting older...

...I was at this club the other night,
window-shopping.

I realize I'm the oldest
guy in the bar.

I mean, I still look good.

But I'm competing for women
with guys who are way younger.

I gotta tell you, I felt kind of depressed,
like maybe my best days are behind me.

Oh, you're breaking my heart.

There's maybe 11 women in this city
who haven't saluted his old flag.

We should talk about
Charlie and his brother.

What? Why?

We've been meeting all these years and
I never even knew you had a brother.

I didn't see that it was relevant.

Let me tell you something
about relevant.

The root of the word relevant
is "rel"...

...which is also the root
of the word "relative."

Your brother is your relative, ergo,
your brother is relevant.

What?

Another "rel" word is "relapse."

But I'll wait my turn.

Hi. Is this Doug Ziskin?

Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Doug, it's Alan Harper.

I'm your chiropractor.
But I'm calling as a friend.

Well, I'd like to think we are.

Forget it. Sorry I woke you.

Hey, neighbor. What are you doing
out here all by your Ionesome?

Charlie's got some friends over and
I thought I'd give him some space.

Oh, yeah. His support group.

He claims it's not a support group.

Oh, please. He also claims
he's not in love with me.

What do you want, Rose?

Nothing. I was just sitting
over there in Charlie's car...

...and thought you might
like some company.

From the minute they
brought him from the hospital...

...everything was about the baby.

"Don't wake the baby. Don't tease
the baby. Don't paint the baby."

Then when he starts growing up,
it gets worse.

Everything he does,
I get blamed for.

He wakes up one morning with no
hair and one eyebrow, it's my fault.

They find him
tied to a street lamp...

...and big surprise,
everybody's looking at me.

Charlie, you need to stop resenting
your brother just for being born.

Hey, I don't resent him
for being born...

...but he abused the privilege.

Even now, with you guys.

I jumped through hoops
to get into this group.

I had to be recommended,
then I had to get to know you guys.

Now Alan thinks he can waltz right
in because he's my little brother?

It's not fair.

Let me tell you something about fair.

What?

Charlie, you know in your heart
the right thing to do.

Fine. You want him so bad,
I'll get him.

You know, Sean never speaks
about his siblings.

All right, back off, Mary Poppins.

You're working on my last nerve.

Believe me, Alan, I understand how
hurtful it is to be rejected by Charlie.

And I found that the only way to get
through it is to just love him more.

That, and every so often, sneak into
his bedroom and try on his underwear.

Helpful tip.

Hello.

- Oh, hello, Charlie.
- Yeah, listen. I've been thinking.

Why don't you take a Beano and come
back to the house and join the group.

Oh, really?
What changed your mind?

I had a small stroke. What difference
does it make? Get your ass back here.

Well, did it occur to you that I might be
already otherwise engaged?

- No.
- Well, I am.

It would be inconvenient
for me to return right now.

Why? Where are you?

Where am I?
Well, that's none of your business.

Are you in the garage?

Oh, please. What on earth
would I be doing in the garage?

Cut it out, Rose.

You're being silly, Alan.
Charlie is reaching out to you.

Yeah, right.
Last time he reached out...

...I wound up tied to a street lamp
on Wilshire Boulevard.

All right. Are you gonna
come back inside...

...or do I have to drag you in
by your big, flappy monkey ears?

Listen to him, Alan. He's begging.

No, thank you, Charlie. I am quite happy
chatting out here with Rose.

Okay. I tried to be the loving brother,
you sulky little weasel.

That really wasn't necessary, Alan.

Yes, it was. You're my friend.

And friends don't just abandon friends
because something better comes along.

Then this might sting a bit.

I have something else to do
and I'm pretty sure it's better.

All right, I asked him nicely.
He said no. Let's move on.

Coop, what's up with your fixation on
women who resemble Tobey Maguire?

I think I finally got over that one.
I went to see Spider-Man 2. Nothing.

Hi, everybody.
Thanks for the invite.

I know I'm the new guy.

So I'll hang back and
try not to disrupt the flow.

So is there any protocols
I need to know about?

Any customs, traditions,
a talking stick?

No, there's no talking stick.

But there is a "shut the hell up" shoe.

Okey-doke. As you were.

All right, I've got something
I wanna share.

The panic attacks have come back,
and I just don't understand it.

Everything is great.
My career, my marriage.

I should be on cloud nine
and instead of which...

...I've got this free-floating anxiety
and feeling of impending doom.

And the diarrhea.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that
my panic attacks come with diarrhea.

First the clammy hands, and then the
nausea, and then the aforementioned...

...you know. Sorry.

I changed my mind. I want him gone.

Can we shave his head and
fill his mouth with hair first?

Let me tell you something about hair.

The clammy hands,
that's how it starts.

Wait a minute.
You can't just kick him out like that.

You didn't want him here
in the first place.

But I'm his brother.
It's my right to reject him.

You guys wanted him. Now that
he's here, cut him a little slack.

Can't you see?
He doesn't fit in here.

Of course not.
He doesn't fit in anywhere.

He's a weird little guy who
makes phone calls from the garage.

It's not his fault.

His big brother didn't look after him,
didn't teach him anything.

I'm trying to make up for it
with his son...

...but this
annoying little ship has sailed.

Thank you, Charlie.
You can stop now.

No, I got your back.
I want this twerp in the group.

A problem with that
is a problem with me.

Oh, now you've got my back?

- What?
- A little late, don't you think?

Alan, I'm defending you.

And I'm asking where you've been
for the past 35 years.

Let me tell you
what it was like growing up.

Un-freaking-believable.

What it was like to look up to...
No, to worship someone...

...who on two occasions tried to
trade you for an underwater flashlight.

It wasn't for keeps.

No, no, no.
It's my turn now, Charlie.

All I ever wanted was his approval,
his friendship.

And all I ever got was my underwear
yanked up to the base of my skull.

And the sad part is that
I looked forward to the wedgies...

...because it was the only form of love
that I could get from him.

- That is sad, Charlie.
- It's terrible.

Charlie, don't you think there's something
you have to say to your brother?

Yeah.

Come here, buddy.

Okay, buddy.

Here's the gag

In the words of some wag

She loves my flag

Rally round the flag

Wow, Elvis, that was beautiful.

But, you know, in all honesty...

...I really loved your earlier,
you know, angrier stuff.

You know, "Pump It Up."
Now, that was a song.

I gave you that.

Oh, and while we're
on the subject, Sean...

...why don't you
do funny stuff like you used to?

I mean, Fast Times ruled, man.

Come on, do a little Spicoli for us.

Guys, this isn't funny.

Clammy hands. Nausea.

Guys?

Hey, guys?

Guys?